


You're The Only Love I Found (and I'm Hoping That You'll Stay)

by awkwardrainbow



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Actress AU, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Eventual Smut, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Mutual Pining, Secret Relationship, Slow Burn, coming to terms with sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 08:49:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 215,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10433970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardrainbow/pseuds/awkwardrainbow
Summary: Clarke and Lexa like to dance, and not in the way that requires them holding each other and moving their feet but more emotionally. They're both actresses, they're lovers on their show, their lives are complicated, so is their relationship but they are drawn to each other and that can't be resisted. Some people just belong together and that seems to be Clarke and Lexa. They can dance and dance and dance and never quite say what they feel but they'll always come back together. That's just what love does to them, maybe someday they'll figure out how to say it to each other.orthe actress au that focuses mainly on just clexa and not really the acting part.





	1. heaven sent

**Author's Note:**

> Hey how you doing. I hope you like this story, it's just basically fluff and angst about two girls hopelessly falling in love. Who can resist that right? ;)

##  _Fall, 2016_

 

Lexa did not expect to be here.

She did not expect to be standing outside of her best friend’s doorway at two thirty in the morning with flowers in one hand and a note in the other that said all the things she couldn’t manage to voice out loud. She never imagined she’d actually experience what this is like. What it feels like to fall in love with a girl that could never love her in quite the same way. She’s always been so good about it.

Lexa’s radar would turn off easily when it came to such a dance. She had always been a pro at it. She’s been teased plenty, but it doesn’t mean it ever worked. However, that’s not what this was about. Clarke hadn’t teased Lexa. Clarke was just _Clarke_ , she couldn’t help that. She couldn’t help that she was beautiful and kind. She couldn’t help that she was absolutely everything right in the world and that Lexa had fallen hard for her… maybe even a little fast.

Clarke couldn’t help but be herself and Lexa couldn’t help that she was in love with her.

It almost felt wrong to love her the way that Lexa loves her. It almost felt wrong to feel this way so exponentially so. After all, the brunette haired girl that stands outside of her best friend’s door has never loved very easily. But loving Clarke Griffin… well, that was easy.

It’s not like she was crazy to do this. This isn’t crazy because Clarke is different. _Clarke…_ Clarke would expect more from her in this moment than just flowers and a letter she’s been saving for her but never could seem to find the right time to give it to her. Clarke would expect explanations on why she had left so suddenly that night last week, on why she wouldn’t be on season five when she had promised Clarke she wouldn’t leave until the show was done, on why Clarke’s soft nightly confessions weren’t enough for her anymore.

This wasn’t about patience or waiting. This wasn’t about pressure or demands. This was about being honest, which Lexa has not done since season one, episode six, scene eleven. This was about spilling her truth and finally being free of the weight of words she has held back for years in the way that she feels them. This was about Lexa and doing what she needs to do to be better, to do better by Clarke. She just needed to summon the courage because standing outside her door wouldn’t do it for her.

She just needed… _Clarke_.

But she couldn’t have Clarke that she knew, no matter how many times it seemed like she could, she couldn’t. At least not right now, and she wasn’t going to force Clarke to try and become something that she wasn’t for her. She wasn’t going to try and force Clarke to make decisions that she didn’t even know the answers to yet. She wasn’t going to be the reason Clarke isn’t confident in her thoughts, in her feelings, in herself. She deserved better than that.

But she couldn’t bring herself to knock. She stood there, _frozen_. She knew she had to say goodbye, she knew she couldn’t leave without a word because what would that do to Clarke? Clarke loved her. She did, Lexa knows that too… she loves her, just not in the way that Lexa wants her to love her and that’s not at all Clarke’s fault. That’s her fault, for always letting her heart win over her head.

Who can really stop themselves from falling in love? Love was a force. _Love_ … Love was terrible but incredible all at the same time and maybe it’s killing Lexa now but she wouldn’t give up knowing what it’s like to be in love with Clarke Griffin for all the prettiest things on earth.

Love and Clarke Griffin just go together.

So it should be enough. Clarke’s soft touches when they’re alone, Clarke’s quiet pleas in her ear when she’s touching her, Clarke’s soft kisses on her cheek when they part from each other, Clarke’s hand in her own even if she tells that interview lady that comes by that it’s “purely platonic”, Clarke’s embrace when she’s scared, Clarke’s voice when she’s tired, Clarke’s words when she’s happy, Clarke’s love even if she’s not in love. But it’s not enough. It’s not enough and Lexa can’t stop herself from feeling that way.

But Clarke doesn’t need to know that.

Clarke just needs to know that Lexa loves her before she gets on her three twenty five flight to London. That Lexa loves her in all the ways that you can love someone and that it’s okay that she doesn’t love Lexa like that too and that she’s sorry if she ever made her feel like she had too. She just needs Clarke to know that she is perfect and that Lexa just… _loves her_. Really, really loves her.

It’s not harmful, it’s not pressure, it’s not desperation… It’s just… love. Lexa wants nothing from giving her this letter besides her knowing because for some reasons she feels like it’s important for Clarke to at least know how she feels, just this once. She’ll let Clarke ignore it if she wants too, but she at least needs her to know… just this once.

Maybe it’s irrational but it doesn’t feel that way as she sets the letter in a neat position in the flowers. She doesn’t think it’s unfair or unkind or detrimental to Clarke because this is just knowledge. Lexa isn’t requesting anything, she’s just… telling the truth, which is something Clarke has always wanted her to do, something she’s always wanted from Clarke, something they’ve never been really good at.

But leaving Clarke… Lexa can’t do that if she sees her. Leaving Clarke is the hardest decision she has to make tonight, or ever in her life and she doesn’t know how that’s fair because this decision… this decision is definitely harmful. It’s painful and it aches and it burns as Lexa leans down to set the flowers against the end of the door because Clarke has to see them when she opens it.

But she can’t see her. She can’t say goodbye to pretty blue eyes and soft hands and that sunshine like smile. She can’t do it. She has to just go because if she stays… if she stays she and Clarke will continue to dance the same way they seem to keep doing and that’ll just hurt them both. She and Clarke will continue to pretend that what they do in the middle of the night and how they act with each other is just what they do. She and Clarke can continue to pretend that one of them is not utterly and completely in love and the other just… can’t figure it out. If she stays it will destroy her just as much, and that’s not Clarke’s fault.

She can’t ask Clarke to feel something her heart won’t, and she can’t ask herself to stop feeling what her heart does. That’s not how love works. And it’s not fair and it’s not right but it is what it is and Lexa knows that now.

She knows that.

And as she stands yet again to look at the door in front of her, the door she has looked at so many times in the past couple of years. The door she pretty much considered her own because she practically lived here anyway. The door that held the greatest love she will ever know behind it, she knows that this is the right thing to do. She knows Clarke won’t understand at first. She knows it will hurt at first, the both of them, but they will move on.

She doesn’t realize she’s crying until she presses her hand to the wood and feels a small drop crash against her skin, and perhaps she spends a blurry second just watching the water from her eyes fall across her arm, but that also can’t be helped.

Lexa hasn’t cried like this in a long time.

She knows leaving is killing a piece of her… a big piece of her. She knows leaving will rip her heart from her chest and she isn’t sure she’ll ever get over it. But she has convinced herself this is the best for the both of them. So she stops hesitating.

She will knock, and then she will go. She will go for the last time from Apt. 3B and she won’t return. And maybe that thought hurts so incredibly bad that she almost feels herself collapse against the door, and maybe that thought takes a piece of her that had been happy for the last few years and destroys it… but she’s doing this anyway.

She swallows her feelings and she knocks because she’s always been so good at swallowing her feelings. And she doesn’t know if Clarke is up, but she doesn’t want to wait to find out and she takes off down the hallway, running.

She runs until she is out of the building, she runs until she finds her car and then she gets in it because the last thing she needs is Clarke to come out after reading her letter looking for her and to actually find her because Lexa can’t leave if she sees her. Lexa can’t leave if she looks at her or hears her or breathes her in.

Lexa _can’t_.

So she starts her car and she drives away. She drives a little too fast and she passes her exit, but she can’t stop herself from driving because she feels like she’s forgetting something incredibly important… maybe it’s Clarke, maybe not but she can’t turn her car around even as she drives further down the road.

Her palms squeeze the steering wheel; she has a knuckle white tight grip. Her vision is blurry because she can’t stop crying and maybe that’s dangerous as well but she suddenly feels empty because Clarke Griffin is her _everything_.

How is she supposed to leave her everything?

How is she supposed to survive this aching feeling that has grown so powerfully and so massively in the last few minutes, how is she supposed to do this? She is not strong enough. She has never been strong enough.

She still doesn’t turn around but she does pull over. She pulls over and she closes her eyes because she needs to be strong now. She needs to be strong for herself and for Clarke because this is the way it has to be. She will not hurt Clarke anymore. She will not ask anymore of Clarke than she can give. She’s doing this because it has to be done but she can’t at all think of a reason why anymore, even though she had thought of plenty that had gotten her to the door.

_Why?_

It the last thing she thinks before she starts her car again.

 

##  _Fall, 2013_

“Clarke,” The blonde snaps her gaze up from the table in attention to her name being said so… _delicately_. She has never heard it spoken like that before. Her eyes had been far too focused on the pages before her. Different scripts for episodes one through six all at once, and it was a bit overwhelming. Especially when they handed them to her as they told her she got the part. “You are Clarke right?” The voice comes again as Clarke’s eyes meet her and a pair of beautiful green ones and she can’t help the way her breathe catches because god, Lexa Woods is _beautiful_. Far more beautiful in person than any television screen could ever portray.

“Yes. Lexa?” Of course she knows it’s Lexa, of course she knows that but it feels weird to act like she already knows who she is so Clarke just kind of goes with it as she makes to stand from her chair. She tries for smooth, but she nearly trips on the leg of her table and her palm comes down hard on the metal surface, making the small round thing shake under her weight as she catches herself.

She’s sure she’s blushing excessively when she meets Lexa’s green gaze once again, and sure enough, the small tilt of the brunette girl’s lips is hint enough that Clarke has thoroughly embarrassed herself, and of course she has, and of course she would. Her friends didn’t call her “klutzy Griffin” for no reason. She’s earned that title.

“I must admit, you are way prettier in person.” Lexa says so brightly and gently, that little smile on her lips soft and _amazing_ to stare at. Clarke does like the way it looks on the green eyed girl’s face, but she manages not to let her eyes stray too awkwardly, and offers the brunette girl her own bright Griffin grin that her mother says she inherited from her father.

“I was kind of just thinking the same thing about you.” Clarke admits nervously with a small hiccup of a chuckle escaping its way out of her throat, offering her hand out toward the girl. She doesn’t know if that’s too formal, but she doesn’t want to embarrass herself any more than she already has, so she again, just tells herself to go with it. Her breath nearly catching yet again as the girl’s warm palm is placed into her own and a small shake is made between the both of them.

“I don’t usually do this, but I’m very passionate about this project and I thought it would be good for us to get to know each other a bit if we were meant to be acting so closely together.” Lexa offers in a soft friendly tone as her palm parts from Clarke’s. The blonde did not at all expect Lexa Woods to be so friendly towards her; she had expected polite, she had actually figured the woman would appear more intimidating, as most people who have met her have all said that’s the way she is. But she didn’t expect the overabundance of friendliness.

Perhaps Clarke just caught her in a good mood, perhaps Lexa is just nice. Clarke doesn’t know. All she does know is that she’s incredibly nervous. “Yeah I totally agree. I only just found out I got the part today, so I was just,” Clarke makes a jester toward the chair across from the one she had been sitting in when Lexa had first arrived. “You wanna sit?” She asks politely and can’t help the small smile surfacing across her face to answer the one along the brunette’s lips. Lexa had such a pretty and magnificent smile. How anyone says anything at all with that smile trained on them is a mystery to the blonde.

“Oh yes, thank you.” The brunette girl slides into the chair across from the blonde’s and Clarke is careful about how she takes her seat, as she doesn’t want to fall into it because she can’t get a handle quite on her nerves. Not that Lexa was nerve wrecking; she was actually making things so much easier by being so friendly and forthcoming. Clarke has just always had a problem with nerves and Lexa is so very pretty.

“They told me last week you got the part, it’s a little weird you only found out today.” Lexa says easily, reaching into the center of the table to look at the café beverage menu that had been stuck between the condiments on top of the small round surface.

“I wasn’t really reachable for a while; I’ve been filming a movie in a location where cell service is practically non-existent.” Clarke watches Lexa as her eyes seem to examine each drink on the list. There’s a small knit to her eyebrows as she contemplates through the options and Clarke thinks it kind of adorable.

It’s no secret that Lexa is her girl crush; it’s kind of against her luck that she’s getting to work with her on a show at all, as most of Clarke’s endeavors have fallen through. But one with Lexa Woods in it was practically guaranteed to succeed, and on top of that, Clarke gets to work with someone she greatly admires. All her friends have teased her about this possibility for weeks and now here she was, in a small café, with Lexa Woods starting the beginnings of a casual conversation. It was almost surreal really; that she was even getting this opportunity… or that Lexa _freaking_ Woods was sitting across from her trying to contemplate what coffee to order while she takes time out of her day to get to know Clarke.

“What’s good here? Do you know? I hate ordering something when I have no idea how it tastes.” Lexa’s smile is gentle when she looks up from the menu between her slender fingers at Clarke, catching her gaze easily as Clarke had been staring at her for who knows how long. The blonde swears those pretty green eyes are twinkling into her own as they gaze at each other a long, breathless on Clarke’s side, moment. Things are silent because Clarke is distracted and utterly infatuated by her and Lexa is just awaiting an answer which Clarke completely forgets she even has to give because who can remember a thing when those pretty green eyes are twinkling into your own?

“I’m sorry what?” Clarke croaks after a long moment of silence, and then Lexa’s grin is probably as bright as the sun, widening so it’s not subtle at all. Its breath taking to experience in person and Clarke wonders if Lexa is used to tongue tying the people around her with that pretty smile. She’s probably used to it, as she’s always been looked at this way surely by anyone she meets.

_Lexa Woods is stunning._

“What’s good here _Clarke_?” The way she says the blonde’s name is something else. She seems to string it out, even clicks the “k” slightly in a way that makes the blue eyed girl shiver and tingle. She tries to hide that fact, but she feels bare in front of Lexa’s gaze, in front of her stunning smile. She knows she’s only star struck, she knows she’ll get over it, but right now, she had to work extra hard not to embarrass herself further by sputtering over her words just because Lexa is beautiful and says her name so… _so…_

“I don’t actually know,” Clarke replies sheepishly, ducking her head almost shyly. That doesn’t seem to bother Lexa though, who only shrugs it off and flops the menu back onto the table like it’s completely useless to her. Her dazzling smile and twinkling eyes remain as they gaze at Clarke.

And then she’s leaning forward like she has a secret and Clarke doesn’t know what to do with it. “Don’t freak out, but I’ve seen all of your movies.” Lexa’s reaching into the bag she brought with her and Clarke is following the action with her eyes because she can’t help herself. Lexa’s hands are as fascinating as the rest of her. “I’m kind of a huge fan and,” The brunette girl pulls something small from her bag and places it in the middle of the table. “I brought you something.” And it’s the brunette girl’s turn to look sheepish as she shrugs her shoulder shyly with a sweet smile and slides the box across the table.

“You got me a gift?” Clarke sputters out almost sounding astounded. Perhaps she was astounded. Lexa _freaking_ Woods just told her she’s a big fan and got her a present, what kind of alternate reality did she just enter into?

“I’ve only done this one other time. But,” Lexa lifts the box open. “I made it.” The brunette’s eyes are back to twinkling bright as Clarke lifts the bracelet from the box and examines it. Her character’s name is along it in rough letters and Clarke can’t stop her fingers from tracing their shape. “You don’t have to wear it or anything, I,”

“This is amazing.” Clarke leaps out of her chair to pull the brunette girl into a hug just based on impulse, one that she’s never gotten once in her life before. She completely shocks herself as she wraps the brunette girl in her arms, and it seems to shock her even more when the girl hugs her back. Clarke isn’t a touchy feely person, but there’s just something about Lexa that makes her feel like they’ve met before… and of course she knows they haven’t, but there’s just _something_ about her.

“I’m glad you like it.” The pretty brunette chuckles brightly in here ear, twinkling green eyes watching her as the blushing blonde backs up from Lexa to meet her gaze, and place some distance between them again.

“I’m so sorry; I don’t usually just hug people.” Clarke sputters out in embarrassment yet again, though Lexa just manages a cute little chuckle, her head tilting to the right just slightly as she locks in Clarke’s blue gaze.

“It’s alright; we’re going to be great friends.” Lexa confirms with a simple grin along her lips. Clarke finds that her nerves seem to dissipate quicker in the presents of Lexa’s smile and friendly behavior. The blonde is still utterly stricken by how beautiful the girl before her is, but Lexa makes things easy and because of that, Clarke is less nervous as she slips the bracelet around her wrist.

“This is really cool,” Clarke gushes as she twists the material around her wrist admiringly. “I’ve never had anyone make me something like this before.” She’s sure her eyes are probably twinkling like Lexa’s when she looks up because she’s getting that curious gaze from the brunette girl, and it makes her blush. It almost feels like Lexa can see right through her and she’s almost afraid Lexa can tell how fast her heart is beating just by looking at her.

“I find that hard to believe.” Lexa teases lightly. “Aren’t you normally surrounded by a copious amount of fans?” Lexa leans forward on the table again, like there’s some secret between them, and she places her chin in the palm of her hand as her elbow rests against the flat surface of the table.

 _She is stunning_ , Clarke thinks to herself yet again. She wonders how many times she can think that about Lexa without it being creepy. Or maybe she already is being creepy and she doesn’t realize it? That thought brings about new nerves that she doesn’t quite understand in the very moment.

“Sometimes, but they haven’t made stuff for me like this.” Clarke’s fingers are tracing the name etched into the material on their own now. Her own appendage probably wouldn’t listen to her even if she subconsciously told it to stop.

“Oh wow, I’m embarrassed I like bombarded you like a teenage girl.” Lexa is blushing then and Clarke finds it so utterly adorable that she actually giggles in her place across from the gorgeous girl. Lexa is blushing over her, how sweet, and a nice turn since Clarke has felt like she was the only one feeling utterly embarrassed.

“You’re totally fine, I’ve been star-struck for the last ten minutes.” Lexa’s hands fall onto the surface of the table to intertwine together, her cheekbones still littered with an adorable light pink color that Clarke thinks she could stare at for the rest of her life. It’s so pretty and Clarke is starting to wonder if Lexa Woods could ever look unattractive. Perhaps that is a little weird of a thought and she should maybe stop thinking things like this about someone she really doesn’t know that well. But it is Lexa _freaking_ Woods. She would kind of be crazy to not think like this.

“I did bring the script for episode one. Kane said he usually does table reads with the whole cast and producers and such before giving out scripts but we’re on a time limit to get these six episodes done in the next two months.” Lexa is reaching into her bag again and Clarke watches the small clench to her jaw, admiring the features of the pretty girl’s face before she snaps herself out of it and reaches under the pile of scripts already in front of her. She doesn’t need to be caught staring.

“Yeah, I was going through them all before you got here.” The blonde shuffles the pages of episode one back to the front and sets it down on top of the stack. Her eyes linger only a moment over black ink before her gaze is shooting back up toward Lexa’s pretty face, because looking at her almost seems impossible to resist.

“What I was told is that our characters are supposed to have a super close intimate relationship.” Lexa’s green eyes are already scanning the contents on episode one. That knit to her eyebrows are back and Clarke finds it’s hard to tare her eyes off the girl to actually look down at the stack of paper below her to examine its contents for signs of the words leaving Lexa’s tongue. She eventually manages to do it though before Lexa catches her staring, though she’s bound to get caught soon if she doesn’t get a handle on herself. She didn’t know why it was so hard in the first place.

“Yeah,” She answers breaking her gaze from gorgeous features to finally scan the contents of the pages she had already looked over as well. “There is this scene though, at the end of episode one, and there’s another on three, and another on six that have… _implications_.” Clarke’s eyebrow shoots up on its own accord as her eyes cross the words of the page in front of her. She can’t help the small stutter her heart makes at the thought of playing opposite of Lexa Woods as a love interest. She hadn’t audition for the role with all the knowledge of her character, but she doubts she would have turned it down whether she had known or not. It’s not like there really was anything to know yet, but the implication felt like it must be talked about, especially with someone so professional, who has already played roles such as this before.

Clarke would be entering a role like this completely new and inexperienced. She doesn’t know how Lexa is going to feel about that or if it’s even a good idea for her to try and take it on, though she is one hundred percent willing to take on the task. She’ll have to explain it her friends, who already tease her enough about her girl crush on Lexa. They’ll never let her live this one down that’s for sure, but Clarke is willing to take on the challenge. Perhaps she shouldn’t get so hasty at the possibility, as it’s not clearly implicated and there has been no mention of it whenever she has spoken with any of the writer or producers of the show, so maybe she’s just reading into things a little much.

But if she wasn’t… well. She needs to prepare for that possibility.

“Oh?” Lexa finally tacks on curiously, shuffling through her own papers as if to find evidence as to what Clarke was talking about. “What page is that?” The brunette asks with her eyes glancing over at Clarke’s pages and squinting slightly as if that could help her see what she is looking for.

Clarke holds back a chuckle at the sight. “Seven,” She mutters easily, forcing her eyes back on the words below her rather than at the slightly confused pretty green eyed girl across from her. The blonde finds that her gaze fights her however, as if it’s just attached to Lexa and that just can’t be helped.

“Oh.” Lexa mutters out as more of a statement this time instead of a question. “You know, I’ve seen this kind of thing before. It doesn’t mean it’s romantic. But,” Lexa’s own eyebrows knit together in deeper thought and Clarke’s eyes stray to her on their own accord yet again. Lexa’s thinking face has got to be the cutest thing the blonde has ever seen, and she can’t help but wonder what she is contemplating so deeply about. She wonders how much Lexa knows about this project over how much Clarke knows. Probably more than Clarke knows, as she seems to be getting information on a larger scale, though she is as stumped about the implications on page seven as Clarke is and had been when she first read it. “I wasn’t informed that we’d be playing love interests. I don’t think you have to worry about that.” But Lexa voice doesn’t sound as sure as her words want her to appear while she scans the words below her. She wonders what Lexa is really thinking but she doesn’t dare ask, feeling as if that’s a boundary she probably shouldn’t cross in their first meeting.

“I guess we’ll see because I doubt they’ll tell us if we ask.” Clarke tries for light hearted at the possibilities but Lexa seems to lose herself in her thoughts for a long silent moment that Clarke doesn’t want to break for her. She snaps out of it after an instant, meeting Clarke’s soft blue eyed stare and a gentle smile brightens up her features yet again.

Lexa’s smiles are incredibly contagious and Clarke finds that she has one making its way onto her lips in response without much she can do about it. “I suppose you are right, cross that bridge when we get there.” Lexa shrugs as if it’s no big deal, but the reason Clarke had brought it up was still significant to the blonde. She had never played a part like that before, nor has she been kissing any girls in a while.

She fears she will be a disappointment.

“Lexa if they do go that route though. I’ve never actually…”

“Oh don’t worry, it’s just a part. If you need any help at all I’m totally here for you I promise.” Lexa just waves her hand slightly as if the problem Clarke was bringing up was completely insignificant to worry about. It did make things easier to know that Lexa would at least help her.

“I don’t want to mess up, I really want this role so if they throw curve balls at me,” Clarke trails off a moment, hoping she’s not coming off as rude. She’s really excited about her role; she doesn’t want Lexa to think otherwise. She just… wants to do well.

“Yeah, I completely understand. They most likely won’t do that though. I’ve seen this quite a bit. I always think it has implications too but it almost never ever does.” Lexa assures and then she laughs. “Writers do stuff like this and then wonder why people end up shipping f/f relationships that aren’t “meant” to be canon.” There’s a roll to pretty green eyes but she has an easy smile on her face as she glances at Clarke before looking back down at her own sheet yet again. Clarke finds her gaze is still so hard to remove from the brunette, though she manages to do it for a moment to look down at her own sheet.

“I think we should still… be open to its possibility though.” Clarke decides to encourage lightly, though the idea of playing a love interest for Lexa at all sends her nerves twisting her belly up in a way she hasn’t felt since she was in eighth grade and the cutest boy in history class had asked her to the Valentine’s Day dance.

What the hell would she do if she was Lexa Woods’s love interest in a television show? She’s played in a show like this before, even if it’s not this particular kind of role but add Lexa Woods on top of anything and it almost just seems overwhelming, or exciting, or perhaps both. Clarke isn’t so sure as her eyes wander across the soft skin she can see of the girl’s neck and the small curve of her jawline. She has nice braided hair, it all looks complicated and is pulled back out of her face.

She is perhaps the prettiest thing Clarke has ever seen.

“Oh yes, you are right.” Lexa shrugs in answer easily, clearly not as distressed by the possibility as Clarke is. Or maybe she’s just not overwhelmed by the facts of the role because she is far more confident in her own skin. That’s how it appears anyway, and who is Clarke to say that she shouldn’t be? She is stunning and talented. Things like a silly romance in a post-apocalyptic world probably don’t even make her blink twice. Anyone would be lucky to be her love interest. “Like I said, cross that bridge when we get to it.” Lexa eyebrow knit back together again as she looks down at her pages and traces her slender fingers over black printed words.

Clarke finds her eyes following the action before she can stop herself, and even as they continue and she is aware that she is staring and being obvious she cannot help it. The blonde finds her hands fascinating and she wonders if Lexa has ever been complimented on just her hands before. It seems crazy for her to not have had someone at least say something as she has the most beautiful hands Clarke has ever seen. “It seems our first scene together is page one scene two.” Lexa taps her pointer finger down on the contents but Clarke’s eyes are too distracted watching the movement.

Lexa looks up after the silence expands longer than necessary when waiting for an answer. Her eyes are gentle, amused, and curious. A soft “Clarke?” leaves her lips, clicking the “k” so Clarke can feel the shudder from before shuffle through her at the delicate sound. She may be amused but Clarke is slightly flustered at her thought processed and it snaps Clarke out of her contemplations, out of her trance that follow those fingertips still pressed against the black ink of the paper in front of the brunette girl.

A deep blush crosses the blonde’s face yet again for what feels like the hundredth time that day. “I’m sorry, yeah, scene two,” Clarke blinks a few times to snap herself out of this reverie she seems to be staying in no matter how much she tells herself to stop it. Lexa Woods is just a girl, just a person. It’s ridiculous that she’s having such a hard time focusing on a task because she can’t stop staring at her. She doesn’t understand or even know what’s wrong with her today.

She is never like this, especially about professional matters.

But Lexa isn’t just here as a professional, and as she says, “Would it help if you got to know me a little better before we read?” that realization is yet again dawning on Clarke to calm her down a bit. Lexa came here to get to know Clarke and vice versa. They want their chemistry to be good, their relationship on screen to be somewhat genuine. They want to know each other. That’s what they are mainly doing here, and the blonde should remember that.

Clarke’s eyes snap back up from the page to meet Lexa’s stunning greens yet again as if this was her first time noticing her, though she is well aware how obvious she has been in her ogling for the past twenty minutes. God, Clarke thinks she could stare at those eyes for days and then she thinks if Lexa could hear her thoughts she would surely be coming off as creepy so she tries to push those feelings as far back in her mind as possible.

“It might, I’m sorry I’m just a little…” Clarke makes a gesture with her hand but she isn’t sure if that’s fully understandable. Whether it is or not, the brunette girl still laughs, filling the space between them with such a beautiful sound that Clarke thinks her heart stops. How can Lexa be this perfect? She must be heaven sent because Clarke has never met someone so stunning and friendly all at the same time… she hopes Lexa is not heaven sent, as Clarke has always felt her life is mostly turmoil and she never wants to taint something so very pretty.

She seriously needs to get a handle on this girl crush. “Me too.” Lexa sits up on her chair and yet again intertwines her fingers together atop the script in front of her. “My favorite color is blue.” She offers slightly, a raise of her eyebrow that almost appears as a challenge but Clarke isn’t quite sure what she’s being challenged too.

Instead she just answer with, “Green.” Unaware if she’s supposed to say that but she does anyway. Lexa’s answering smile seems to tell her that response is just fine and they spend a good minute just staring at each other, slightly smiling and letting their nerves dissipate. They examine each other almost in the same way, as if just getting comfortable in each other’s presence is the first step…

Clarke thinks she has never been more comfortable with someone than she is with Lexa in this space right now.

When Lexa talks again she must decide to just dive in because she goes off on a tangent of stories of her life, many different kinds that are all interesting and all a part of her experiences. Stories that let Clarke in and Clarke answers with her own when she’s fixed with that easy going green eyed stare, and the space between them seems to shrink without their notice. Eventually Clarke is beside her to converse rather than across from her but neither girl seems to notice as they slowly get to know each other, diving into conversation so easily that the rest of the café seems to fade away… almost like they weren’t meant to be here all along, _meant to meet_.

Clarke realizes that she leaves the café at nine thirty six p.m. having not gone over the script whatsoever with Lexa at all. But she now knows her favorite color, her favorite movies and how Lexa got the scar on her neck right under her left ear.

Parting from Lexa for the night becomes an incredibly hard decision for the blonde, one that shocks her just as most things throughout this day have. She doesn’t know if Lexa feels the same at all but she does realize how fascinated by Lexa she is as she gazes at her retreating back.

Lexa glances behind herself at her one last time before turning a corner and when their eyes meet Clarke feels her breathe catch audibly, thankful that Lexa is not close enough to hear her. She knows one thing is for sure as she turns to leave in the opposite direction.

She’s got a girl crush that her friends are never going to stop teasing her about.

 

***

 

“Should I play this scene in the gay way or the best friend way?” The blonde asks brightly as she flops onto the couch in the seat right next to where Lexa has seated herself with a book propped open on the arm rest, and the script supported open in her lap, though she seems to be taking a break from looking it over, or maybe she’s just pretending to look busy, either way, the script is there.

Clarke’s proximity doesn’t bother the brunette the same way closeness by others has often bothered her in the past. She doesn’t seem to mind if Clarke is seated just a little near to her on a couch that comfortably seats three, in fact, part of her welcomes Clarke’s closeness, as it always seems to make her feel warm and light.

Most things seem to be pretty simple with the blue eyed girl actually. Maybe that should scare her a little bit since she doesn’t averagely like getting close with people, but it doesn’t frighten her at all. It’s actually almost a relief that she seems to like Clarke so much, growing up she had always thought there may just be something wrong with her, and that it’s definitely her fault that she’s not very good at making friends. But with Clarke that kind of makes her rethink that idea, coming to the conclusion that perhaps it just really depends on the person.

“What’s the gay way as opposed to the best friend way?” The brunette girl asks. She is unable to hide the small amused smirk attaching itself to her plump lips, she pretends she doesn’t notice the way pretty blue eyes seem to drop to them for a few seconds before her gaze scurries away back to the script she is fretting over. Clarke had this way of saying things and Lexa was never quite sure how she conjured up the wording to be quite the way it always was when it came from her mouth. She did know it was always entertaining, even if Clarke constantly found herself slightly embarrassing.

Lexa just found her rather adorable.

Clarke lets her eyes find her amused smirk again but this time she only narrows her eyes at Lexa, as if she wasn’t appreciating being laughed at. This just seems to make her smirk grow until it can almost be described as a grin. “Don’t make fun of me.” The blonde snaps playfully. She keeps glaring but there doesn’t seem to be any fire behind it, and Lexa knows just how much Clarke seems to admire her that it won’t last long.

And of course she’s right about that, it doesn’t.

Clarke’s face breaks out into a smile about ten seconds later. “I mean, should I act the scene out with _implications_ , or should I try to be as platonic as possible?” She explains more clearly, though the statement still makes little sense to Lexa, as she’s not in Clarke head and doesn’t understand why she wants the separate the two, or how you even separate the two, as best friend’s don’t always “appear” platonic, and that’s kind of what Clarke was saying right? Should she try to make it appear platonic? _Straight girls always did manage to say the weirdest things_.

“How do you decipher what’s “platonic” in this kind of scene as opposed to what has “ _implications_ ”?” She holds back her snort as Clarke brings her glare back but is unable to rid the smile on her face even as Lexa teases her. Clarke is always so happy, she reminds Lexa of sunshine because not only is her smile bright and beautiful, but her presents is always warm. Lexa can’t stop herself from staring at her smile, how could she when _she has such a pretty smile_?

“I don’t know okay, I’m just trying to figure out how I should act this.” Clarke groans, letting her head fall back against the couch with a dramatic sigh as she lets the script flop in her lap so it sits similarly to the one in Lexa’s.

The brunette can’t help the small snort of laughter that escapes her. “Just go with your gut. Like I said, I don’t know where they plan to go with our characters relationship. Act on what we know now.” Her hands move as she speaks; a habit she has never been able to break. “Clearly we’re very close friends, so act like you care about me.” Lexa figures the statement isn’t of much help, but she is highly amused by Clarke’s brief struggle. She never imagined she’d have such a hard time trying to figure it out. Lexa theorizes that it’s just because she’s nervous about acting in a scene that could have possible potential to be something more when she’s never played a part like that before… or perhaps Lexa makes her nervous, that’s something that the brunette also doesn’t understand but the blonde only seems to fumble over her words are her, and not anyone else they are currently working with on set.

Clarke’s slight nervous swallow into the space between them keeps Lexa’s smile firm on her face because it’s adorable how nervous she gets around her. It’s adorable, but it also makes Lexa want to do her best to make her more comfortable. She adjusts in her seat slightly, giving Clarke her undivided attention as she breathes in while muttering out, “I actually care about you though.” and for some reason, that Lexa couldn’t or wouldn’t want to name, it makes the brunette girl’s heart stutter in her chest a little bit. It’s not like the statement has its own “ _implications”_ outside of their fast moving friendship, but it still makes Lexa’s heart… _feel_.

They’ve only known each other for a little over a week, but for some reason, it already feels longer than that. It doesn’t scare Lexa, but it does make her wish her heart hadn’t started beating faster than normal against her breastbone like it currently was. She tries to approach the situation as if her heart were acting normal. “Then it shouldn’t be that hard.” She gives her a wink before she decides to snap her book shut and toss it on the table stand beside the couch. She turns on the sofa to face the pretty blonde girl and flips her script open to the scene she keeps fretting about because what’s the best way to calm nerves about a scene, other than practicing it? So she says, “Let’s practice.” with her right eyebrow tilting up with excitement at the statement. She loves mentoring people on scenes anyways, and she wants to make Clarke more comfortable, this seems like the best way to do that.

Clarke’s eyes seem to stray to her eyebrow for a moment, which Lexa has gotten quite used to in the past week. For some reason Clarke spends lots of time just watching her. She isn’t quite sure why but she does know Clarke is someone who likes to know things, really know things. So the brunette girl has just figured that perhaps the way that Clarke watches her is just her way of studying Lexa so that she can know her. She still isn’t aware if that’s really the actual reason or not but she accepts it regardless because it’s not like questioning it really matters much at this point in time.

“Practice?” Clarke’s voice shakes slightly as the word leaves her mouth. Lexa isn’t sure why the offer seems to make the blonde girl nervous, but she does know the cute little blush that crosses the blue eyed girl’s cheekbones is irresistible to not admire. Everything Lexa does seems to make Clarke nervous and she doesn’t know how to fix that. But she does know that Clarke is beautiful, even as she feels self-conscious. Though as Lexa admires her she knows she doesn’t want her to feel embarrassed anymore, not with her and definitely not about this.

“Yeah, rehearse. Don’t tell me you’ve never rehearsed lines before.” The brunette can’t stop the teasing that enters her voice, furthering the blonde’s cute little blush. She has a way about her when she’s blushing, the small smile on her lips and the quiet duck of her head that makes Lexa wonder how anyone could look so beautiful when they’re so nervous. Clarke surely was just, different.

“Shut up,” The blonde mumbles out again shyly with her adorable small smile that tells her she really doesn’t mind Lexa’s teasing all that much. She even pushes against her shoulder lightly with the palm of her hand and she can feel the touch surface through her to make her abnormal heartbeat worse. Lexa’s always been hopeless around pretty girls, but the way her heart reacted around Clarke was a little worrisome for her.

It always surprises her that Clarke’s touches don’t affect her in the same way as most touches do. Lexa doesn’t often like being touched by people in anyway at all. But yet again, Clarke is different when it comes to how Lexa feels about most things, and has been different the entire week that they’ve been getting to know each other. Clarke’s touches are always nice, warm, and playful. Clarke is affectionate in simple ways that make Lexa’s heart thud a little faster in her chest and makes her own blush flush against the skin on her neck, and she knows Clarke always notices because those pretty blue eyes always seem to follow the flushing skin, watching it as it changes color, which only makes it grow.

She thinks it’s nice to have made a friend she’s so easily comfortable with, but she also worries slightly about the way her heart seems to pound strangely in her chest whenever Clarke is near her, smiles at her, touches her, watches her. Clarke doesn’t have to do much but exist actually, and Lexa’s heart is on a high speed chase of its own that she doesn’t understand. She hasn’t had an experience where she is completely comfortable with someone like this since Anya, and she’s known Anya since she was five, and even that isn’t quite like this. That is more platonic in every way that it could possibly be. Lexa’s heart didn’t thud hard in her chest when Anya touched her, but all Clarke had to do was push her shoulder and it was suddenly leaping into her mouth.

“It might help you relax a little.” Lexa lays her hand on Clarke’s knee on another impulse shared between them, perhaps the same impulse that had lured Clarke from her seat on their first meeting to hug her. Whatever that impulse is, every time they touch it’s not uncomfortable mainly because of it. Perhaps that’s why they already have permission to touch each other in these small ways because it almost wouldn’t make sense if they weren’t.

That being said, they’re still getting to know each other, so some boundaries they don’t even think about crossing quite yet, like fairly personal questions or long touches such has tight embraces or, as the script says below, brushing fingertips across a cheek and resting their foreheads together. “Yeah, yeah, just,” Clarke clears her throat, eyes jumping to the hand on her knee and her blush seems to increase at an incredible rate.

Lexa doesn’t know why but she feels as if maybe she has made Clarke uncomfortable without meaning too, so she pulls her hand back almost nervous herself now. She even makes to apologize, but Clarke is talking again before she gets the chance. “That would be helpful.” Clarke’s tone is far more confident than it had been when she had spoken before.

She turns to Lexa as well now so they are knee to knee and looks away from her to look back down at the script. But Lexa finds that tearing her gaze from the pretty blonde girl in front of her is harder than normal, the script sitting heavy in her lap. Her eyes have a fire of determination in them that Lexa finds completely stunning to look at, they’ve always reflected the sky so of course they were hard for her to look away from, but that was beside the point. She lets her gaze follow the plains of her face, watching the way she bites the corner of her bottom lip when she’s thinking too hard.

And Lexa can’t help but wonder what might being going through her head that has her even thinking this hard. If it’s just the script, just scene seven, which has her fretting and worried or if there’s another reason that she’s so nervous and if there is another reason, what could it possibly be? She would ask, but she doesn’t feel like they’ve known each other long enough yet for her to dive into what could possibly be a personal question. Light touches like brushing shoulders and supportive squeezes of the knees are on a different level than insecurities.

Lexa hopes she’ll be able to ask Clarke these question someday though, as she wants to know her, really know her and help her through anything she may be feeling insecure about because Clarke is lovely, utterly lovely and Lexa can see them being really good friends. She hopes they will be. They seem to be heading there. Their chemistry is good; it would be a shame to let it go to waste.

“Like what you see?” Clarke’s right eyebrow tilts up playfully as her eyes meet Lexa’s in the next few moments, once the silence and Lexa’s staring had extended longer than usual. Her stare is full of mirth and light and it’s stunning. Lexa can’t stop the wide smile from etching its way onto her face because of it. Clarke was so easy to talk to, so easy to be with in these small moments. She made situations light hearted without even trying to and that is something that Lexa is sure is rare to find. Even if the blonde was always nervous around her, she was very good at being sweet.

She grins at Clarke admiringly, letting her green eyes gaze into Clarke’s pretty cerulean ones and she says, “You are very pretty,” she smiles wider as the blush comes back and crosses those lovely cheekbones. She almost wants to reach out and trace the color, as if she would be able to feel it on her own face if she could, but she knows she can’t do that and she knows that’s probably weird so she pushes the impulse to the back of her mind.

“Where do you want to start in the scene?” The blonde says with her small sweet smile in place just the way that Lexa appreciates. It lights up all of her features much in the same way all her blushes seem too. Lexa thinks she won’t ever be able to stop thinking that whenever she sees Clarke’s smile. She thinks she probably won’t be able to stop this unusual pound of her heart either, but that part she’s going to start ignoring at least.

She reaches over herself to tap her pointer finger against the first line of scene seven on Clarke’s script. “Just at the beginning, here,” She watches Clarke’s eyes follow the movement and she’s really starting to wonder what it is about her hands that Clarke seems so fascinated by. She’s gotten used to the blonde watching her but she seems to spend more time on her hands than any other part of her body, and that’s a really curious thing. It’s another question she doesn’t feel like she has permission to ask, and even if she did she doesn’t know if she would have the courage to ask it.

She supposes for now she’ll have to just let it go, but it still leaves her curious even as Clarke’s eyes break from her fingers to meet her own stare yet again. “Okay,” Clarke says and the small word fills the room with a heaviness that Lexa can’t seem to place. It’s not like Lexa hasn’t played scenes a little bit steamier than this. It’s not like this scene was steamy in anyway actually but for some reason, it felt… _heavy_. Heavy in a sense that it set her heart on an even faster pace than it was already on, just at the thought of Clarke touching her face lightly like the scene says, and looking at her like… she doesn’t know, but it make her nervous.

It feels heavy, that’s all Lexa recognizes as Clarke swallows audible into the space between them. Her voice is small when she speaks a soft, “You start” to remind Lexa after a moment of heavy silence, that she is the first line of the scene. The affirmation snaps Lexa out of her reverie and pulls her into the action she needs to have to encourage Clarke to be more comfortable with her. She flips her script open to scene seven and examines over the lines for a quick second before taking in a deep heavy breath of her own and letting it out very slowly.

For some reason she whispers. “Are you scared?” and she can’t stop herself from doing so. She isn’t sure if she wants to act it out that way, if she wants her character appear immediately as vulnerable as she has already come to understand that she is more commanding, more stoic. But she says it like she can’t swallow the emotions because there are too many just on impulse, it must be the same impulse that her and Clarke share when it comes to touching each other.

She lets her eyes shoot up from the script in her lap for only a moment to look into blue eyes before looking back down at the little black letters on the pages below, following with her pointer fingers along the letters.

The air in the room is so _heavy_.

“No.” Clarke says easily, quietly as well; just in the way Lexa had thought it should be said, and she holds back her smile when she glances up because she knows how talented of an actress Clarke is. She knows what she’s seen in Clarke’s many movies, but it’s different in person. Perhaps she’s somewhat of a fan-girl in this moment whether Clarke is aware of it or not, but this Griffin girl is surely amazing, and she doesn’t know how she doesn’t see it.

Lexa almost laughs at herself for turning into such a swooning mess over one simple word. But it’s _Clarke Griffin_ … she supposes it’s kind of impossible to look at Clarke, to hear Clarke, without being star struck right in the moment she appears because the pretty blonde girl just has this way about her.

Lexa sucks in a breath before she’s whispering again. “I kind of am,” and she tries to prepare herself for Clarke’s impending touch, but it feels like she can’t possibly prepare for anything when the press of the blonde’s fingers are suddenly along her cheek. Her palm is warm, as is her breath that she can suddenly feel puffing against her lips. She doesn’t know how anyone could watch a scene like this and assume it has no implications, because it certainly _feels_ like it has lots of implications as Clarke’s forehead presses to her own. Her heart isn’t just being abnormally anymore, it’s _frantic_.

“We’ll get through this together.” Clarke whispers, her voice shaking slightly as if she is feeling exactly what Lexa is feeling herself. As if her own heart is beating as hard and probably as loud as the brunette’s. She hopes Clarke can’t hear it being this close to her because that would surely be embarrassing, especially when she doesn’t know why it’s acting like this.

Clarke’s eyes are so much bluer when she’s this close to her, it’s the first thing she notices after she’s able to clear the fog caused in her brain because of Clarke’s touch and she doesn’t know if she can take staring into them any longer without doing something stupid. (Not that she would think about doing anything stupid when the girl in front of her is clearly straight, even if her touch makes her slightly feel like she wants to throw up.)

“I am strong if I have you,” Lexa can only manage a whisper yet again, and she knows she can’t say it that quietly when they’re filming, and the script doesn’t say to say it that quietly, but she can’t stop it from coming out at such a level because her heart is racing and she is thinking things she probably shouldn’t and Clarke’s eyes… _are so marvelously blue_.

Clarke’s reply she can barely hear over the pounding of her heart, and she hopes those pretty eyes don’t see the way her own flicker down to pink lips, that are slightly parted until the blonde is bringing the corner of her bottom lip between her teeth and Lexa’s thoughts are clearly inappropriate as she acknowledges what she’s staring at and what she’s thinking while staring at them.

( _I bet her lips are soft_.)

Her heart is definitely in her mouth now as she jerks herself away from Clarke to pull herself quickly up from the couch and brush off the feelings circulating their way through her chest, the ones making her heart pound painfully against her breast bone and her breathe come out unevenly. She doesn’t know what it means; she doesn’t know why she feels what she’s feeling. She just knows that it can’t happen, even if she can’t shut out the image of what it is like to be so close to Clarke and to be touched by her so lightly, _so sweetly_.

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice is confused; misinterpretation of why Lexa pulled away from her clearly circulating through her head to make her nervous again, which she had just begun to pull through from. Lexa had been succeeding, even if it almost seems like she had been taking Clarke’s nerves and pulling them into herself.

“I’m sorry, we can practice more later.” Lexa swallows her feelings the best she can, the lingering of Clarke’s touch still warm on her cheek. “My lunch break is over and I’m supposed to be in hair and make-up before we start shooting scene six.” Her palm is curled into her hand with her thumb pointing behind her at the door as if that somehow helps emphasize her point. She knows it doesn’t, she knows Clarke is misunderstanding her by the way her cerulean eyes soften gently into her own.

She can’t quite read the expression on Clarke’s face but she knows she’s done something wrong when she sputters out, “If I made you uncomfortable I’m sorry,” and her eyes shift into this uncertainty that the two hadn’t shared between each other before out of the week that they have known each other.

She swallows and shakes her head. “Oh no Clarke. No no,” Lexa just waves off the blonde’s words even though she wants to sit back down and reassure her. She’s still freaking out at the own pound of her heart beat, which was still moving abnormally, and her thoughts are still in places they shouldn’t be with the image of her lips still reflecting through her mind. “I just really have to be in hair and make-up.” She stares into blue eyes that look highly unconvinced and a little sad and she feels her heart leap into her mouth for entirely different reasons than Clarke Griffin’s proximity. “How about after filming today we go hang out at my place and go over it again the whole thing? We can order pizza, if you like pizza.” The sudden suggestion brings this lightness back to Clarke’s features that Lexa greatly adores and she can’t stop her own smile from surfacing across her lips as the blonde nods her head.

“Yeah, that sounds good.” She agrees with gentleness that keeps Lexa’s heart thudding hard in her chest against her ribcage. How does Clarke do this too her? It’s not like she’s trying to. Lexa really doesn’t know what to do with this, she hasn’t had this heart pounding feeling because of another girl since high school, and that thought just frightens her a little more.

Perhaps she just needs to know Clarke better; these feelings surely can’t get worse. They rarely ever do. “Alright, it’s a work date than.” Lexa teases yet again and feels herself relax at the soft blush that graces Clarke’s cheeks at her words.

There’s really just something about Clarke… _there’s just something about her_.

 

***

 

Clarke has no idea what the hell is wrong with her.

The more she gets to know Lexa the worse things seem to get. Well, worse isn’t quite what she means, but she certainly can’t explain the feelings she has. These feelings that make her shiver when Lexa clicks the “k” in her name against the roof of her mouth, these feelings that make her stutter nervously when Lexa smiles at her with twinkling green eyes that remind her of a forest, these feelings that make her heart thud aggressively and loudly in her chest whenever the brunette touches her in even the briefest of ways. Lexa doesn’t have to do much of anything besides breathe and Clarke finds herself utterly fascinated by it. She doesn’t understand quite why and she’s pretty sure it has to be edging on the creepy side of things by now.

No, she knows she must have entered creep zone because Lexa is only a person, a very pretty person, but a person and she is acting like… for some odd reason, that Lexa is a god. Perhaps when she had just been swooning over Lexa in television shows and movies it was different, but now that she actually knows her, and even considers her a friend, a very fast good friend, she feels like she’s just being completely weird about everything. Her and Lexa are getting close fast and the way that she seems to react to the smallest of Lexa’s interactions are surely not how close friends react to each other.

What the hell is wrong with her?

She’s never done this with any other famous person she’s worked with, and she has worked with plenty of famous people. She was in blockbuster films that she made a pretty decent living off of. She wasn’t the type to be an awkward star-struck idiot but here she was, a few weeks into filming, a few weeks into friendship with Lexa, and she still couldn’t stop herself from admiring the way the girl walked, or the small knit of her eyebrows when she thought. She couldn’t stop herself from following the movement of her hands or listening to her voice when she was discussing how they should act together between scenes with those “implications” Clarke knows she brings up too much.

She couldn’t stop her heart from pounding each time they rehearsed a scene together and Clarke had to brush her fingers across her cheek, or comb back the curls of her lovely brown hair that smelled like bunches of flowers. She didn’t know why she was acting like this, and it was even worse now as she sat on the couch of her best friend’s party and Lexa mingled with all of her friends, sipping some fruit related beer and giggling at everyone’s jokes in the charismatic way that she interacts with people.

It’s even worse because she can see how Lexa stands straighter and knows that she’s slightly uncomfortable in her surroundings. She can hear the tell-tell signs of her laugh she uses to please people as opposed to the laugh Clarke is so good at pulling out of her. She can see the small fidget of her fingers as she tangles them together that lets her know she’s itchy to escape the circle of people surrounding her, that are as fascinated by her as Clarke is. She’s known Lexa for only a few weeks but she already knows these small details about her and she can’t stop herself from understanding them and that’s crazy. _It’s crazy_.

What is wrong with her?

“If you stare any harder you might burn a hole through her.” Clarke jumps about ten feet in the air but eventually lets her gaze set into a glare on her friend Octavia as she flops into the seat beside her and grins as widely as she possibly can. Octavia loved to tease Clarke about Lexa, long before Clarke had ever even met the pretty brunette girl. Things have only gotten worse since she landed this role. It’ll get even worse with every time she gets caught staring at Lexa because she just can’t tear her gaze away.

“I think I have a problem.” Clarke admits quietly, letting her eyes find Lexa once again. Her pretty green gaze turns from her friends to meet her own and Clarke can feel her heart leap into her mouth when she sets that twinkling smile on her in acknowledgment of her presence and stare. The smile makes her skin flush, and her lips part just so she can take in a breath because she is…

_She is so beautiful._

“I’d say. You’ve been staring at her like she’s going to disappear all night.” Octavia laughs with light hearted amusement at Clarke’s situation but of course she does. She’s not actually in Clarke’s head. She doesn’t understand how confused Clarke feels about this situation and she knows she could probably just explain it and her friend wouldn’t laugh anymore, her friend would help her, but explaining it makes her feelings real and she doesn’t even really know what her feelings are yet.

But she decides giving her friend a little bit of information isn’t the worst idea, and it’s really annoying her, so it comes out as more of a groan when she says, “I can’t help it, that’s the problem!” and she throws her hands up into the air as she sinks further into the couch cushions. “I never do this when it comes to celebrities, I never geek out this much.” She pouts while she crosses her arms across her chest.

“It’s kind of like that crush you had on Niylah in college; actually it’s exactly like that.” Octavia laughs loudly as Clarke directs another glare her way. She’s clearly being unhelpful but she has had a few heavier drinks and Clarke isn’t exactly giving her enough information to tell her that this situation is more serious than it is. Well, it’s not serious, just confusing.

“You are so very helpful.” She responds sarcastically, shuffling her fingers through blonde hair to brush it more out of her face. Her gaze finds Lexa again, but she quickly tries to detach her gawking look, letting it fall on the bouncing of her knee instead. That last two seconds before she’s looking up to meet green eyes briefly and again, she can feel her breathe catch.

“Didn’t you make out with her and then you got over the crush?” Octavia theorizes further continuing to be unhelpful. Why is Clarke even friends with her again? She only glares up at her from her pouting place against the couch, breaking her gaze from green eyes first, the small flush at being stared at as well flowing across the skin on her neck.

It just makes her friend laugh more. “Well there you go than, make out with Lexa and all your problems will be solved.” Her unsupportive friend pats her head playfully and Clarke can’t stop her glower from practically stapling its place on her face as her heart flutters in her chest at just the thought of Lexa’s lips on her own. Every time Lexa’s face is close to hers that’s all she can think about, but she’s not about to admit that out loud.

What’s wrong with her would be very obvious than if she accepted that she actually wanted to know what it was like to kiss Lexa Woods. And that doesn’t exactly mean that there is something wrong with her, but it is something that she doesn’t have the time to worry about right now. She needs to focus on herself, on her career, on proving herself to her family once and for all and she can’t do that if she’s wrapping herself up in a girl crush.

“That is still extremely unhelpful.” Clarke informs her dark haired friend as she cackles brightly in her seat next to her, with her head tossed back as if Clarke is just the funniest person in the world. It makes her stomach twist in her gut because Octavia doesn’t get it, and she can’t explain it and she doesn’t even know how to explain it because she doesn’t get it herself, not completely anyways. Maybe part of her just doesn’t want to get it.

“Relax Clarke. You’ve got a crush. It happens. Lexa’s hot as fuck it makes sense. You’ll get over it, you always do.” Clarke relents with a sigh and nods her head as Octavia wraps her arm around her shoulder and pulls her into her side as if to comfort her.

“What does that mean?” Clarke asks in a tone that sounds and awful lot like defeat as she collapses her head against her friend’s shoulder and lets her eyes find home on Lexa once again. She might as well just accept that she can’t stop herself from staring, and it’s not like Lexa is bad to stare at, so she might as well just give in.

“It means you have crushes for like ten seconds and then you move on. I know you Clarke, don’t freak out. Lexa is probably the most famous girl you’ve ever worked with and you’ve had her on the top of your “girls I would kiss” list for three years. It’s not that weird.” Octavia insists. She tries to pull Clarke closer with the arm already around her shoulder. “Relax Griffin, have some fun, it’s a party!” Octavia whistles happily before she breaks apart from Clarke and hops up from the couch, sprinting her way back toward where the alcohol was set up.

“Right,” Clarke feels a huff leave her throat before she can stop it. “A party,” she mumbles as she lets her eyes wander back to the pretty brunette girl who’s trying to avoid being poked by a pool stick by her friend Lincoln.

Her heart jumps when she smiles and she is again stuck wondering what her problem is.

 

***

 

It is thanksgiving and they have to work through it. It’s not the first time Clarke has had to work through a holiday, and she’s never been really a big fan of thanksgiving, so it doesn’t bother her much, but she does overhear Lexa’s cellphone call with her best friend Anya, her only other friend beside Costia and now Clarke. She’s sad that she has to work through thanksgiving and she can’t spend it with her. She’s unhappy about it so that’s the ultimate reason Clarke finds herself knocking on her trailer door with some fried chicken along with small containers of mac ‘n cheese and mashed potatoes.

She is nervous, but being nervous around Lexa is something she’s growing used too.

Lexa is all twinkling eyes and bright smiles when she opens to trailer door to Clarke and it sets her heart on that pace that’s excessive and fast in her chest. She doesn’t understand it, but she can’t control it, so she’s coming to terms with just accepting it. She holds up the shopping bag, and mutters. “Thanksgiving dinner?” She offers up the bag to the brunette and Lexa’s eyes are so soft when they grab it and look into it before looking at her again.

“Clarke you didn’t have to do this.” Lexa says softly, her voice so gentle and light. Clarke’s heart is in her mouth as she offers Lexa her gentlest smile she can possibly muster.

“I wanted to cheer you up.” She mumbles shyly, ducking her head slightly as she feels the blush surfacing across her cheeks, the warmth of the blush rather familiar since she always seems to be flushing red whenever she’s around the pretty brunette. She knows it can’t be helped, she wished it could, but it can’t.

“ _Clarke_ ,” And there it is again, the click of the “k” against the roof of the brunette’s mouth. She does it so often and each time Clarke feels a familiar tingle rush up her spine and she has to fight hard not to show it, she know she never succeeds though. Clarke’s heart continues its uneven pounding as she locks blue eyes with beautiful greens and she just waits for her to invite her in, to finish her sentence, to maybe acknowledge that Clarke is utterly fascinated by her because she must be so very obvious about it by now.

But Lexa just seems lost in her thoughts, with soft pretty green eyes and Clarke can’t take much more of being looked at like that without doing something… _stupid_. “Can I come in?” She asks sweetly, her perfect Griffin smile attaching itself to her lips because she knows it at least make Lexa stutter for a second and it’s nice to not be the only one distracted.

“Of course you can,” Lexa croaks after a moment, moving out of the way for Clarke and setting the bag on the counter top in her trailer. Clarke pulls the door closed behind her and grins widely at Lexa when the brunette begins to heave the contents of the bag out and onto the countertop, even reaching up into a cupboard and pulling out a few plates she must have put there herself. Clarke likes watching her; she has an easiness about her when it’s just them that the blonde has come to realize she doesn’t see very often when they are with other people. She doesn’t want to think that Lexa is comfortable with her, but she can’t help the way her heart swells at the possibility.

Clarke is yet again distracted by her hands in the moments it takes her to transfer the contents of the boxes of chicken and containers of mac ‘n cheese and mashed potatoes onto plates and she can’t help but let the silence continue as she watches their movements while Lexa finishes making up the plates and grabbing bottles of water from the fridge.

She has pretty hands. One of Clarke’s favorite things to look at is her hands. She doesn’t know what it is about them that’s so stunning but they are, and the blonde hopes that brunette doesn’t notice how often her eyes stray toward her hands, even if Clarke doesn’t do a good job at hiding it.

“Anya’s actually coming in a few hours with some stuff too. There will be pie, you like pie?” Lexa asks gently, with a beautiful grin stretching along attractive plump lips. Clarke forces her eyes not to stray on them, thinking too hard about the action and she wonders if the strain is visible on her face.

Lexa reaches one plate out to Clarke who takes it delicately until Lexa is motioning for her to follow her to the bed in the corner of the trailer. She followed the short distance to the bed and took a gentle seat next to the brunette girl who went for the mac ‘n cheese first. For some reason, sitting on Lexa’s bed and eating food with her feels… _weird_. Weird in a way that Clarke doesn’t think she can put into words. It’s oddly domestic, but in a way that sets her heart in an uneven rhythm much different from the one she gets when Lexa briefly touches her.

She is nervous yet again. “How long have you known Anya?” The blonde tries for conversation to distract herself from the uneven pace of her heart beat. It doesn’t really distract her, but when she sees the slight grin grace plump lips, she doesn’t regret the question.

“We were five when we met; she pushed me down on the playground because I wasn’t letting anyone else on the swing set while my brother was on it.” Lexa laughs as she remembers and Clarke watches the act like Lexa is her own television show that she just can’t look away from. Her heart stutter in her chest at the sound, and she blushes at her thoughts but Lexa isn’t watching her so she isn’t too worried about being caught.

Clarke’s interest is suddenly piqued at the sudden prospect of Lexa having a brother, which something previously unmentioned by the brunette girl before. “I didn’t know you had a brother.” Lexa looks up from her plate to let her eyes twinkle into Clarke’s own, and as it always does, her thought pattern falters and she is lost in a forest of green for a few seconds.

“Had a brother, he died when I was twelve.” The smile drops a little, the twinkle leaving her eyes and Clarke feels like a bucket of water had just been dumped over her head, rendering her thought process and making her feel guilt for even bringing it up.

“Oh,” Clarke swallows. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to,” She doesn’t want to hurt Lexa or make her uncomfortable and now she feels like she has without even trying too.

But the brunette just waves her off. “Clarke its okay, you didn’t know, I don’t mind talking about him.” She shrugs and her eyes were suddenly back on her mac ‘n cheese as she dug into it with her fork. Clarke had also noticed that when Lexa eats, she goes with one food group at a time. It’s different, a little weird, but Clarke just finds it adorable, as she does with most anything Lexa does.

She wants to ask more questions, but she doesn’t. Maybe later, maybe at another time, but for now, she decides she’ll just let the subject go unless Lexa wants to talk about it. Instead she says, as if she deserves to also disclose something so personal, “I lost my Dad a few years ago.” And she finds that she doesn’t mind confiding that information to Lexa. She turns from Lexa to peal apart a piece of the chicken and dip it into the mash potatoes beside it. She notices that Lexa had organized the plates so none of the food groups were touching each other and that was surely a curious thing but the blonde didn’t question it as she brought the chicken and mash potato mix to her mouth.

“Clarke,” The blonde looks up from her plate to meet forest green eyes and they look serious, like Lexa has something serious to say. That knit to her eyebrows when she’s thinking, and Clarke’s eyes follow it for a second just to look before she’s meeting her eyes again. She’s suddenly more nervous than she had been beforehand but she lets her attention be undivided when Lexa has it. And then Lexa says. “How dare you mix your food,” and she grins widely at her and Clarke can’t help the snort that she makes as she covers her mouth to stop the food from splattering out of her mouth.

They finish their dinner, giggling and laughing about stupid things while finding the time to share more small and serious things such as their first heart breaks, or any of their physical scars. Clarke opened up about the boy she dated in ninth grade who cheated on her with her mortal enemy, but now she was also best friends with what used to be her mortal enemy so it wasn’t a huge loss. Lexa found plenty of amusement out of that.

Clarke found Lexa’s high school crush story interesting because she never said a name. Just a simple, “I kind of had a crush on one of my friends, and I know she sort of liked me too but we were in such different social groups at the time and you know how high school is. So we never got it right I guess.” And she seemed to smile sadly at that and Clarke can’t help but wonder what idiot wouldn’t take the chance when they have it to be with Lexa.

Lexa who always smiles so brightly and puts so much care into everything she does. She can only imagine what Lexa is like as a girlfriend. She’s probably selfless and affectionate, as she is sort of affectionate as a friend. But affectionate in the way that shows you, you are cared about, not in the overwhelming way, which Clarke has come to learn that most people don’t understand. She doesn’t know how long she thinks about Lexa as a girlfriend, but she knows she has to stop thinking about it when her thoughts lead into the dangerous zone of Lexa being her girlfriend, _just to get a better picture_ , she tries to tell herself, but it’s obvious her crush is entering into levels that she isn’t ready to take on quite yet.

It was easy to get lost in the sound of Lexa’s voice, even easier to know her better with each passing moment. And the way that Lexa seemed to watch her when she spoke was something else entirely. It wasn’t helping her heart situation, which she was starting to think was a condition at this point. She watched Lexa clean her plates because she couldn’t just leave that for later, she had to do it right when they were done and she set them neatly back up in the cupboard.

Clarke wondered how she could have such a messy made up bed, but insist on having such clean countertops. It was interesting but Clarke didn’t mind at all. Everybody had their thing she supposes, and any of Lexa’s things were important to Clarke if they were a part of her. She isn’t going to think about what that means, since she’s already confused enough by her fast pounding heart beat and urges to touch.

Eventually Lexa has the idea that they should braid each other’s hair, and though the idea is sort of silly to Clarke she relents, but “only if I can do yours first,” she says and the brunette just laughs that lovely laugh with that bright twinkle in her eye and Clarke really, really likes Lexa, just the way she is, with everything that she does. She can’t explain it, but being with her, and being the cause of any twinkly eyed laughs Lexa may seem to do is just… _amazing_.

Brushing her fingertips through the brunette girl’s hair is even better, and she hums a soft tune as she works, ignoring the energy that build between them that she doesn’t understand with each brush of her fingers through brown pretty locks.

 

 

Lexa’s fingertips brush through Clarke’s hair and the blonde girl hums at her touch, eyes closed as she leans back slightly into the feeling. Lexa can only admire, feeling the tension between them building with each noise from Clarke’s throat and each brush of her fingers. She doesn’t realize she’s holding her breathe until her lungs start to burn and she has to let out a heavy gust of air against the back of Clarke’s neck. She pretends the shiver she feels run through the girl at the contact isn’t because of her, because how could it be?

The brunette girl pulls closer, her lips nearly brushing against the skin on the blonde’s ear lobe and she has to think about unpleasant things just to keep herself from shivering at being so very close to her. “You like this,” she muses quietly, almost breathlessly, into a tiny ear. She can’t stop her grin as she hears Clarke’s breath catch in her throat slightly as she pulls back and tips to the right just a little to look at her the best she can from behind her.

“Feels nice,” Clarke mumbles, not loud. Her voice comes out breathy as Lexa pulls back to continue to braid her hair and to maybe keep herself from shivering to the sound of Clarke’s voice so… low and… _heavy_. She can feel the way it washes over her and flips her stomach in a way that she can’t explain, or at least hasn’t experienced since her high school crush.

“You have pretty hair.” Lexa mumbles as a way of distracting herself from the feelings rising in her chest. Her fast heart beat can probably be seen if you look down at her chest, and she hopes Clarke won’t turn around. The compliment is quiet, said under her breath, realizing how impossibly hard it is to hold back from complimenting Clarke on every single thing about her. Clarke is usually the one complimenting her in this friendship, but Lexa lately, has been unable to help herself.

Clarke was… _Clarke_.

“You have pretty hands.” Lexa can’t help the snort that leaves her throat at that because she knows Clarke has a fascination with her hands, a fascination that’s completely not understandable, and she can pretty much hear Clarke’s smile grow from in front of her.

“Pretty hands?” She finds herself asking, sucking in a deep breath as Clarke hums in front of her.

“Yep,” Clarke turns slightly so Lexa has to stop her movements for a moment so the blonde can meet her eyes. The blues are wider than normal, the dilation Lexa blames on the low light of the trailer. Their proximities are close, so, so close, and Lexa knows when she swallows that it’s clearly visible and Lexa can feel her heart back in her throat the same way it always is every single time they’re practicing a scene together or actually shooting one.

In fact, her heart seems to go on a literal freak out every single time Clarke is this close to her and she has no idea how she’s going to get it to stop. Usually when this happens she can just think, _“straight girl”_ and the feeling goes away. It’s normally easy. But this time when she thinks _“straight girl”_ her mind conjures up the possibility that Clarke’s eyes are slipping to her lips and that perhaps she’s not a “ _straight girl_ ” but that’s ridiculous because she is and Lexa has never allowed herself to try and be hopeful before when it comes to straight girls.

Lexa’s never really had a straight girl crush previously actually and she’s not really happy about experiencing one. Especially one on someone so beautiful and so sweet, someone she’s actually comfortable with. If Clarke finds out she can’t get her heart to stop thudding in her chest every time she briefly enters her personal space, it would surely freak the blonde out, or creep her out because Lexa is gay, very gay and Clarke is apparently not. No, not apparently, she’s not… _she’s not_. Lexa tries to convince herself, but Clarke is still looking at her lips.

The tension around them is palpable in an unexplainable way. “Everything about you is pretty actually.” Clarke mumbles quietly, her breath puffing against Lexa’s lips and the brunette really hopes, no matter how close they are or how unrealistic that hope is, that Clarke doesn’t see the way her eyes drop to her mouth.

The space between them feels like it should be closed, Lexa would love to close it, but she knows that’s not a good idea. Outside of the fact that Clarke is straight, they are also co-stars. The conflict of interest is enough alone to turn Lexa off of the idea on average…

But it still doesn’t with Clarke.

They spend a good moment just stuck in their energy circulating, the rotation of each of their eyes on lips and then on eyes again, and then Lexa thinks maybe Clarke is actually leaning forward and she’s not just imagining it. But then there’s a loud knock on Lexa’s trailer door and it makes the both of them jump apart as if they had been doing something completely inappropriate. Of course they really hadn’t but it doesn’t change the fact that Lexa’s thoughts had.

“Come in,” Lexa shouts as she backs herself away from Clarke while the pretty girl beside her combs out the beginning of the braids that Lexa had started in her hair. It makes the brunette want to close the space between them yet again and finish her braids, but she knows it’s probably better that they put some distance between them. It doesn’t change the small twitch she gets that she can’t just finish them.

“Commander,” Anya sings teasingly as she pulls the trailer door open and hops her way up into the space. “I brought your favorite pie and- oooh hello pretty blonde girl.” Anya’s smile is bright and teasing. Her hair is a mix between blonde and brown today, and is in one long braid to the side of her head, a hairstyle she doesn’t often use. Her eyes twinkle brightly at Clarke and Lexa knows she’s in trouble because Anya is going to embarrass her… Anya is going to embarrass her greatly.

“Anya,” Lexa scolds lightly a small glaring pout crossing her features before she can help it. She’s got that warning tone in her voice that usually works on anyone else but she knows it won’t work on Anya, it never works on Anya. “That’s what Lexa calls you whenever we watch one of your movies.” The tall girl winks at the brunette whose face flames with her words. She feels the flush travel through her from her chest all the way into her cheeks and she can’t stop it, she can’t hide it. She’s afraid that information is going to make Clarke uncomfortable, but when she dares a look beside her at her favorite pretty blonde girl she is only grinning happily from ear to ear.

It makes her relax just a little bit, but only a little bit. “Shut up.” Lexa snaps unpleasantly, she avoids the blue eyes that she can suddenly feel on the side of her face as she glares Anya down, but the averagely taller girl is actively avoiding her stare, completely unaffected by it.

“I’m Anya, the best friend, but I bet little Lexie doesn’t talk about me.” Anya teases further. She holds her hand out to Clarke who shakes it delicately because she always does things so delicately and Lexa is obnoxiously admiring of every action, how could she not be? Clarke is so pretty and so sweet with everything she does. She doesn’t even realize that she takes Lexa’s breath away without even trying.

“Actually yeah, no I’ve been wondering when I’d meet you.” Clarke says brightly, a giant smile on her lips that Lexa finds completely stunning, she isn’t able to tear her eyes from it for a good thirty seconds until Clarke looks at her, catching her and she’s suddenly looking down at her intertwining hands in her lap. She tries not to blush, but she knows she doesn’t succeed.

“SO you have talked about me, you must like this one a lot.” Anya boasts brightly, further making Lexa’s heart slightly ache in her chest with panic.

“Anya!” Lexa is thoroughly embarrassed, looking at her best friend as if she’s ready to knock her down in much the same fashion she had done to her when they were five years old. She is absolutely positive she is disowning her after this.

“I hope so,” Clarke says brightly. “What kind of pie did you bring?” Her hand drops on Lexa’s thigh and she squeezes and Lexa is sure her heart explodes in that moment because she can’t breathe, she can’t breathe as the feeling slides through her body, and her skin burns where her palm was placed. She knows for at least a brief ten seconds, she looks like a gaping fish out of water, but luckily Clarke’s sweet tooth (which Lexa learned she had on the second day of knowing her) is keeping her from noticing, and when her palm slides away and Lexa sucks in a deep breathe, she either pretends not to hear the slight wheeze or really is far too focus on the pie in Anya’s hands as she stands from the bed.

“Key Lime, its Lexa’s favorite,” Anya lets herself get distracted as she looks down at the pie herself, before glancing up to offer Clarke a bright and friendly grin. The sight of the two getting along and discussing pie does something within Lexa’s belly that she couldn’t explain if she tried.

“I know,” Clarke says with a small shrug, and to most, what Lexa’s favorite pie is wouldn’t be significant. The knowledge of knowing what it is wouldn’t be significant. But when Anya looks up at Clarke curiously, and offers Lexa a brief raze of her eyebrow, she knows how Anya knows it significant, because Lexa doesn’t talk about herself. Lexa doesn’t confide in people what she likes very often, and here Clarke was, knowing Lexa for a month and a few weeks, and she already knows most of Lexa’s favorite things.

“You know,” Anya tone is still teasing as she wiggles her eyebrows at Lexa, probably just to embarrass the brunette further, and it does. The blush on her skin she is starting to believe is permanent.

Lexa was sure her glare could probably cut through a thousand men. “Shut the hell up would you.” She snaps unpleasantly at her best friend, only to be silenced by Clarke’s teasing look now set on her.

“Is that anyway to talk to your best friend, after I brought you pie.” Anya feigns innocence and Lexa is about to protest, snap at her to get out and leave the pie.

But then Clarke says, “Ah, not just any pie,” seeming to join Anya’s side, grinning over at her carefree and wide. “Your favorite.” And Lexa feels betrayed, gasping at the both of them as they giggle at her expense.

Anya is taken aback, though it seems to be in the good way if the smile on her face says anything. “Oh, I like you.” Anya says brightly as Clarke grins her big wide sunshine like Griffin grin at Anya that Lexa has come to adore so very much.

Anya and Clarke seem to get along but of course they do because Clarke is warm and bright and it’s easy to like her, and as Anya messily cuts into the pie, which irritates Lexa further, she can’t help but watch the way Clarke laughs at the older girl’s jokes and smiles whenever she is complimented.

and Lexa thinks: _yeah, I like her too_.


	2. built composure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, how you doing. I hope you're having a good day and that you like this chapter. :) I honestly don't know the consistency with the lengths of these chapters but I seem to be writing them in 16k+ words and there isn't anything I can do to stop it. So most of the chapters are most likely going to be monsters and super long. But I hope you still like it anyways, I'm sorry if it's too long for you.

##  _Winter, 2013/14_

“Lexa,” Kane shouted into the small space, grabbing both the brunette and the blonde’s attention from where they were supposed to be standing during the current scene. He motioned for her to come off to the side while they re-set the cameras for the final scene of all six episodes. This scene was it and then they were done, either for good, or just for now. Lexa hoped it would do well, that they’d manage to get a full season two, but of course she wouldn’t know that until the show aired in March.

Lexa raises her eyebrow up curiously, offering Clarke a glance but she only receives a shrug in return. “What’s up?” The brunette asks once she’s off to the side, letting her eyes trail around the set after blonde hair as wardrobe messes with her outfit. They’ve both had a long day, working hard, but this last scene they don’t seem to be doing something right. This is their tenth time re-setting and Kane just doesn’t look satisfied.

“I’ve made a few minor changes to the scene.” He lifts his left hand where he holds the white pages and flips them open to the back, scene eleven. “I want you to act, slightly more affectionate with Clarke than originally planned.” He taps at the words written in red pin beside the crossed out lines. For some reason the statement makes Lexa’s heart stutter slightly in her chest.

Lexa’s eyes follow scribbled red words that are almost hard to make out but she manages to read through it until her eyebrow is tilting up with question. “You want me to kiss her? Does Clarke know about this?” And Lexa can’t say she’s often nervous when it comes to filming a scene such as this. It’s again, not even steamy, she’s played steamier and never been nervous. It’s just acting.

But kissing Clarke in anyway just makes her palms sweat.

“Kiss the corner of her mouth.” Kane taps the corner of his mouth as if to emphasis his point but Lexa only finds it slightly condescending. The action does nothing to quell her growing nerves at this new request and she spends a good thirty seconds just staring at scribbled red letters with knitted eyebrows.

But eventually Kane’s stare breaks her out of it. She breathes in deeply and puts on her best professional smile. “Why do you want me to do this?” She teases out playfully, as if this was no big change to her whatsoever. She crosses her arms along her chest in a challenge, hoping that will help to get Kane to spill some details, but it doesn’t seem to do anything but attract his own amused grin.

He rolls his eyes as his grin grows slightly. “Just do it Lexa,” and with that he turns his back on her to where he’s been seated for most of the shooting for scene eleven, directing from the sidelines. She watches him as he goes, unable to move for a moment as she tries to relax her growing anxiety. She’s worked with Kane before, on lots of projects. She knows he has a tendency to spring new stuff on her right before shooting; it’s never bothered her before.

But for some reason, Kane has not told Clarke, and that bothers her.

Lexa sucks in a deep breath and shrugs her shoulders. She’ll have to deal with this just as she deals with every other scene she’s ever dealt with where Kane has done this. But just being near Clarke normally sets her heart on a high speed chase, one she’s coming to understand, but not quite accepting at this time. She shakes her head and spins around making her way back to where she’s supposed to stand during their scene together. Some of the make-up artists popping up next to her to pat at her face like anything could have faded away in the few minutes it took her to talk to Kane. Wardrobe does the same thing, popping over to straighten out her outfit before disappearing again.

Clarke is grinning her famous Griffin smile and Lexa hopes she doesn’t notice the way green eyes follow the action. Her lips have been a constant distraction lately, and she knows she’s been caught a few times, but Clarke never says anything. Nor does it seem to bother her so far. “What did he want? To hassle you again about too much distance?” It wasn’t the first time that Kane has gotten on their case for not standing close enough together, or not touching enough in a scene where their supposed to be touching. Clarke and Lexa by this point were both convinced that their characters definitely had “ _implications_ ” because why else would Kane demand such close interaction otherwise? But the writers and the producers still refused to tell them anything.

Lexa figured they were just waiting to see if they’d successfully be able to carry the show on or not. Maybe they wanted a surprise factor, she wasn’t completely sure, either way; she had to do her job. “Something like that,” She grins at Clarke softly, watching the features on her face as she relaxes in front of her. Clarke’s character wore her hair differently than the blonde did on average, intricate braids pulling back the pretty blonde strands out of her face.

Lexa much preferred when Clarke’s hair was down and in her face, because she liked the way Clarke would push it back at the most random of times. She had lots of make-up on but so did Lexa, that wasn’t something new. But her eyes, no matter what character Clarke plays, her eyes are always the same. Just like the sky, Lexa could hardly ever look away from them.

Clarke is nervous on average about most things, but when she’s acting, she always seems to be completely in her element. At least that’s how it appears to Lexa anyways. “Alright, ready,” the director from the side yells.

Lexa adjusts her position, preparing herself for the scene ahead, Clarke looks at her expectantly, perhaps unaware of the script change, or maybe someone told her why they were fixing her make-up and clothes too. Lexa doesn’t know, but she does know that she doesn’t have the time with the now rolling cameras to tell Clarke herself. If she doesn’t know, the surprise will be genuine at least.

Lexa still wishes she could tell her.

The line comes from Clarke’s lips easily, as she slides into character immediately, with a breeze. She is so good at it and Lexa admires that. “We should go,” and she reaches out for her, just like she’s supposed to.

“I think I’m going to stay.” And Clarke’s hand drops back down to her side almost immediately. She’s got this look on her face, one she’s surely supposed to have in a scene like this and Lexa finds that it’s easier for her to slide into her character when Clarke is in front of her.

“Oh,” Clarke mumbles out in disappointment, her breathe catching as she studies the features of Lexa’s face like just staring at her would give her the answers she’s searching for.

“They need someone,” Lexa says steadily, though she can’t take her mind off of what’s to come. Her heart picks up speed with each new spoken syllable.

“But why does that have to be you?” Clarke sounds torn, but Lexa can barely register her words, eyes dropping to her lips as she singles out the corner of her mouth where her own will be in a few seconds.

“Because they trust me.” The blonde looks down sadly, conflicted and Lexa’s heart leaps into her mouth because here it goes. She steps into Clarke’s space and when the blonde’s head snaps up she knows it’s a genuine reaction. She’s not supposed to invade her space this soon in the scene. The look of surprise eventually dissipates after a moment, because Clarke is smart and catching on quick but Lexa can’t help the nerves wrecking their way through her body.

The brunette can barely breathe with those eyes regarding her like that. She’s aware her hands shake as she reaches up, cupping Clarke’s face in between her palms and brushing her thumbs along her cheekbones, under her eyes. The pretty blonde’s eyelids flutter, but she knows she is meant to keep them open.

She wonders if Clarke is having as much trouble breathing as she is. She most likely isn’t. Lexa knows her small crush is growing significant and she knows it one-sided but she can’t seem to stop it. There is no controlling her feelings no matter how much she wishes there was. She hasn’t felt this sense of dread about having feelings for someone since high school, and she was quickly growing apprehensive to every action that involved the possibility of making these feelings grow, like the one she currently found herself in now.

She whispers, “May we meet again,” and it’s improvised completely before she presses forward and is meant to kiss the corner of the blonde’s very pretty mouth. She had aimed for it, her eyes barely leaving the spot as the moment grew closer and closer, but Clarke, because she must not know, she wouldn’t turn her head if she did know, (that’s what Lexa tells herself,) as she turns her head just right and their lips touch, just briefly, but it makes Lexa shudder against Clarke very obviously.

She could not describe the feeling if she tried, but she does know that it creates a new kind of aching inside of her that she has never felt once before. The kiss is brief, just a press of lips against lips, but it does something to Lexa’s heart and the brunette is glad that she isn’t the one that has to walk away in this scene, because she doesn’t know if she could. She doesn’t know if she’d be able to stop her heart from pounding right out of her chest long enough to even gain the motivation to breathe and walk away.

Clarke’s own hands come to rest around her wrists, pulling Lexa’s palms from her face and placing them back at her sides so very delicately. Clarke’s blues are filled with some kind of storm that Lexa can’t read as she backs away from her and she wonders if it’s just Clarke getting lost in her character, or if she as well is having as hard as a time as Lexa is. The blonde does a forceful swallow as if to will her emotions away, and then she’s turning her back on her and walking away, just as the scene calls for.

She stares at Clarke’s retreating form and she can feel something building inside of her chest, an indescribable throbbing blooming its way, warm and uncalled for through her blood stream. She can feel her breathe catch as Clarke stops and looks back at her, not what the scene calls for, and she knows the way that her heart aches in her chest is not just because she is caught up in her own character.

She’s utterly fucked.

 

***

 

“Clarke, come on,” Lexa shouts on the other side of the bathroom door, leaning against the wall next to the bathroom entry to support herself upright. Today had been long and that indescribable ache still sits in her chest. Not an ache that hurts, just an ache. There’s a warmth she feels blossom in her heart whenever she even thinks of blue eyes and blonde hair and it increases that slight dread flourishing its way through her stomach every single time she thinks about what it means. She perhaps ponders that this isn’t exactly the best of signs, but who is she to say that resisting Clarke Griffin is even possible even if she wants too?

Clarke was just… _Clarke_.

“Do we have to go?” Clarke has that high pitched whine to her voice that she does when she’s pouting, and Lexa finds herself letting her eyes flutter at the sound of it, finding it completely and utterly adorable in every single way. If Anya was here she would slap her upside the head for even thinking such a thing about a girl that could never possibly like her back. Even Clarke’s friends didn’t share the same view as Lexa did when it came to her pouting voice but the brunette couldn’t possibly fathom how they or anyone else could ever find anything Clarke does annoying.

She was just gorgeous.

She grins at the wood of the door as she rests her head against the wall beside it again. “It’s a wrap party, yes we have to go. I don’t understand why you’re so nervous about it, there aren’t any interviews. It’s everyone we’ve been working with for the past few months.” Her voice is light and teasing. She can hear how her tone has changed from earlier that day. She’s always been so much softer with Clarke anyways since the moment she met her than she is on average with most people, but now it was almost impossible for her to even be the slightest bit professional, or at least indifferent.

She supposes she has brought this upon herself after all, by not taking action against these growing feelings before it was too late. Now it was much, much too late. There was no stopping this spiral into the pit of flames that she was descending too. All she could do now was try and save pieces of herself from falling too hard.

The door opens before she receives a proper response from the adorable blonde girl. “I’m literally always nervous.” She said once the door had swung open to reveal what would no doubt give Lexa a heart attack in less than a second. Her bottom lip jutting out slightly as cerulean eyes meet Lexa’s. _Pouting_. Of course she was pouting she seemed to hate social situations that involved parties such as these for her jobs. It’s interesting really, because a wrap party is nearly just that, a party. Music, food, drinks, celebrating. But Clarke still appeared utterly resistant to the idea.

Lexa remembers something Raven had told her about Clarke loving parties. She briefly wonders what has changed about that while she struggles to keep her eyes from caressing a skin cladded blue dress on a very curvaceous body; she questioned why Clarke was doing this to her, or what she’s done in life so far to wish this kind of torture upon herself.

Clarke pouting is just about the cutest thing she’s ever seen and that aching, maybe it’s not even an ache, she doesn’t know, seems to grow incredibly just upon seeing her. But of course it does, because Lexa can’t just have it easy. Life has been throwing her easy too much lately, so of course its curve balling her in the form a very beautiful and unattainable girl, who is probably the absolute sweetest person she has ever met. “Yes you are, but stop it. You look beautiful.” Lexa’s touch against her upper arm is light, comforting. It’s just a touch friends share between each other when they’re trying to support each other. Lexa’s heart doesn’t seem to get that message, however; it suddenly pounds wildly and aggressively against her breast bone, as it seems to love to do around the pretty blonde girl at any opportunity it can possibly get.

Thankfully, Clarke doesn’t seem to notice how much Lexa is struggling, which is honestly surprising because Lexa hasn’t had this hard of a time acting, or throwing on some kind of a mask, since high school. “I look beautiful!? What the hell Lexa! You didn’t tell me you were going to dress like a fashion model walking down a runway.” Clarke’s eyes dart down her body, her fingers curling into the palm of her hand, the way they normally do when she’s nervous, which is most of the time. Blue eyes grow wider as they scrutinize the length of her body and her outfit, a tight fitting black dress that she knows she looks good in, a dip in the back to show off her skin and slits along the sides to be tantalizing enough, but mostly to make her feel sexy. Its mid-thigh, something she knows Clarke notices when her eyes stray there for longer than necessary. She tries not to think about what it means, tries to think that straight girl’s admire their friends outfits all the time. It doesn’t stop her heart from pounding, and her skin from flushing right in front of her though, like she’s not a professional trained actress who can averagely hide her feelings from people.

She thinks her heart must be loud enough to hear by this point because if Clarke keeps looking at her like that she’s going to forget about parties and sexualities and pin the girl to the door she just came out of and kiss her absolutely senseless because she bets Clarke hasn’t been decently kissed in a while and she knows that if anyone deserves to be decently kissed, it’s definitely Clarke Griffin.

Despite what the blonde says, it’s far from a fashion model’s dress, but Lexa will let her say whatever she wants if she’s going to look at her like that. “You’re ridiculous.” She eventually manages a response, rolling her eyes playfully at the blonde girl as she lets her own green orbs dip lower along the blonde’s body as well, but doesn’t word how she feels seeing her in blue… _god does she look good in blue_. If she were to put how she feels just about Clarke’s outfit into words the blue eyed girl would surely request that Lexa leave her alone because she cannot stop her heart from pounding or her mouth from going dry at just the sight of her.

“What does the back look like?” Clarke asks discreetly, smiling at her with an amount of charm that’s almost as sweet as chocolate. The blonde is impossibly beautiful and Lexa thinks if she keeps it up she won’t be able to stop herself from doing something… _utterly_ _stupid_.

“You’re just trying to look at my butt.” The brunette tuts with a giggle bubbling up in her throat, she tries for playful, because playful is neutral and she can’t possibly get in trouble with playful. But as she seems to think this, Clarke’s eyes widen slightly, like what Lexa was suggesting was absolutely crazy, before they settled back into a more teasing look.

Lexa was going to die before the night was up, there’s no surviving this.

“Maybe,” Clarke wiggles her eyebrows, there’s lightness to her eyes and easiness in her shoulders that Lexa admires, and she wants to tell her so, but she can’t seem to manage the words. The thought that Clarke is comfortable with her is just… _nice_.

She lets her eyes narrow at the blonde playfully. “Straight girls are so cruel.” She teases, watching as Clarke feigns offense good-humoredly.

“How dare you clump me in.” She gasps in horror, causing a laugh to ache its way through Lexa’s chest. “Now seriously, turn around.” The brunette can only roll her green eyes as she gives in and turns for her, pulling her hair out of the way and over her left shoulder.

Having Clarke’s eyes on her is one thing, but there is nothing she can do about the shivers that she experiences when Clarke’s fingers grazing the tattoo on her back. She hopes the blonde doesn’t hear her breathe catch in her throat, doesn’t notice the slight tremor cycle its way down her spine, but Clarke is so close that she can feel her breathe cascade along the back of her neck, no doubt she can feel the tremors on her fingertips as she brushes Lexa’s skin, tracing the lines of the long tattoo down her spinal cord.

“Wow, this is beautiful.” Lexa can feel Clarke’s breathe touch her skin as she steps closer, can feel her body heat as she invades her space. Her lungs burn with the lack of air she’s getting with each touch, unable to breathe is more like it, because how could she possibly remember such an action with Clarke so close and touching her so delicately.

Clarke either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. “Thanks,” She chokes out in a tone that’s very telling. She scolds herself for it because she’s a better actress than this, but it’s almost as if she’s losing all that she has learned over time. She has never had a crush on a straight girl before and so far, in her little amount of experience and time of having one, she already knows it’s absolutely terrible.

Clarke still doesn’t seem to notice, and if she does, she says nothing. “Why have I never seen this before?” Lexa is unsure of what she’ll do if she keeps feeling Clarke’s hands on her skin like that so she spins around. She thinks that maybe that was a mistake as her nose nearly bumps Clarke’s and she can hear the pretty girl’s own breathe catch, or maybe that was just her own and she had confused it, she doesn’t know.

She’s just thinking incredibly stupid things at the moment.

Clarke’s eyes having done that thing again, where the blue is a thin line around her pupil and Lexa forces herself to blame it on the low light of the room rather than anything else that it could be, it sends Lexa’s heart back into her throat. She seems to stutter out her explanation slightly. “They always cover it.” She does a slight shrug, as if it’s no big deal, though she does often wish they wouldn’t. The tattoo has meaning to her. It’s special, a part of her bare on her skin, and she likes having it there.

She feels like part of her is hiding away when they cover it on purpose.

“It’s beautiful.” Clarke repeats her breathe puffing up against Lexa’s lips and the brunette hopes the blonde doesn’t see the flush of her skin, well aware that the amount of make-up covering her must disguise it at least a little bit. Hopefully the blonde also doesn’t hear the hitch of her breath or see the part of her lips, though she is close enough to be well aware of all these things.

“So are you,” slips from Lexa’s lips as if she has no filter and as soon as it does she wants to hit herself across the head for it. She wants to slip right out of her body and just punch herself square in the nose because _what the fuck is her problem_? She needs to get a grip, and she needs to get it fast.

Clarke just blinks at her a moment and she thinks how she must have gone and done it now, how she must have made the blonde uncomfortable without meaning to yet again and she should just apologize and put as much distance between them as possible. But then Clarke is smiling at her, wide and infectious, leaning forward and placing a gentle kiss against the corner of her mouth, much in the same place Lexa was supposed to kiss her earlier that day, and Lexa knows she’s shaking. “Thank you,” She breathes against her mouth, making Lexa’s stomach flip in a not completely unpleasant way.

“We should get going, we’ll be late.” The brunette mutters breathlessly, holding back the urge to roll her eyes at herself. She tugged on the sleeve of Clarke’s blue dress towards the door and waited as Clarke grabbed her jacket off the rack. They exited the room without much of a glance at each other. Well, Lexa was actively avoiding looking at Clarke, though the blonde seemed highly amused at something and managed to do as much as she could to get Lexa’s attention while they walked down the corridor to the elevator.

All Lexa needed was to be trapped in a metal death box with the girl she couldn’t stop thinking _stupid_ things about.

Being trapped in a small space with Clarke Griffin, when all you want to do is press her into the wall and kiss her, is the equivalent of pure and utter torture. At least, Lexa was convinced it was anyways, as they descended down at what felt like a snail’s pace. There was that thin line of tension again; drawing itself up in the little space between them and making Lexa swallow her feelings almost audible.

She wondered what Clarke was thinking but feared looking at her and showing more and more of her baby crush she had developed on the blonde in the small amount of time that they have gotten to know each other. The silence wasn’t helping, and it seemed the longer they stand there, almost brushing shoulders, the harder it was not to act _stupid_.

But the elevator dinged before anything could come of it, and Lexa nearly sprinted out of the metal death box, making Clarke cackle adorably behind her, even if it was at her expense, it was still adorable. “Don’t like elevators huh?” She offered lightly, grinning at Lexa like she held the literal sun itself in her smile.

“Don’t like tight spaces.” Lexa grumbles unhappily as she makes her way toward the glass doors, aware that her long legs allow her to make bigger strides than Clarke, even despite her heels.

Clarke jogged slightly to keep up with her until they got to the double glass doors at the end of the lobby, where Lexa pulled one open for her. She gestured dramatically and Clarke laughed her adorable little laugh before exiting into the cold. Lexa forgot her jacket in Clarke’s apartment and only realized it once stepping out in the breezy winter, shivering slightly.

Of course the blonde notices, offering her famous adorable smile and muttering out a, “I have a sweater in the car,” because of course she has to care about Lexa being cold, _of course, of course, of course_. The brunette contemplates on an excuse as they made their way down the sidewalk toward Clarke’s vehicle, the blonde pulling out her keys and clicking the unlock button on the device. Of all things that Lexa could have to warm herself, of course Clarke would offer her own sweater, just what Lexa needs, to be wrapped up in Clarke’s smell while pining after her smile. This really wasn’t her lucky day, was it?

The brunette only shrugs her shoulders, as if to down play how cold she is just to save herself from the torture of being wrapped up in Clarke’s warmth while she can do nothing but wish she could touch the girl herself. “No, no, it’s okay, I’ll survive.” She grins shyly at Clarke, but the blonde only rolls her eyes at her, as if she’s being a stubborn child.

“Nonsense, you’ll freeze to death,” She circles around the back of the car and pulls it open, grabbing a black and blue sweater from the seat before slamming the door shut again. She circled around the car toward Lexa once again, and held it open for her to shrug her arms into. “Besides, you always get grumpy when you’re cold.” Clarke’s grin is teasing, but her words make Lexa’s heart increase in pace, as if it wasn’t already throbbing painfully in her chest beforehand. She has to tell herself that Clarke only noticed the small things because they’ve been around each other a lot, because Clarke is attentive in her friendships, not because Clarke might at all feel an ounce of what Lexa may be feeling, because she can’t possibly. But if her brain keeps fogging over and her heart keeps talking Lexa might just convince herself the opposite and that could lead to a very embarrassing situation.

The brunette figured she wasn’t getting out of being wrapped up in Clarke’s sweater and let out a deep sigh as she slowly slipped into the garment, shivering more because of the brush of Clarke’s fingertips across her skin while she pulled the sweater over her instead of the breeze picking up and throwing around lose strands of her hair on her face. Clarke was giving her no breaks as she reached up to fix some of Lexa’s hair, brushing the strands behind her ear, her palm brushing across her cheek for only a brief moment. But brief enough that Lexa could not help the way she leaned into it.

“Should have tied it back more.” Clarke smiles softly, all gentle blue eyes and delicate hands. Lexa’s heart is loud and fast in her chest, beating hard against her breast bone so she’s forced to blink a few times and gain some semblance of control of herself. She’s being so fucking obvious and she hates herself for it.

“Yeah,” She mutters fast, escaping into the quiet of the passenger seat after Clarke had opened the door for her. She goes to lean over and shut it herself but Clarke is already on the case, grinning at her softly through the window before circling around the car again. She tries to tell herself that dressing up with Clarke Griffin isn’t a date, that going to a fancy event in the same car, isn’t a date, that wearing Clarke’s sweater because it’s cold, isn’t something you do on dates because her brain is trying really hard to tell her that it is, and she can’t have that, she just can’t.

 _Not a date_ seems to repeat in her head, over and over, but her heart still pounds faster with each glance at Clarke like it still very much is a date. _It’s not_.

God damn it, why did Clarke have to be so adorable and so nice and so pretty and… it just wasn’t fair. Whatever was happening in Lexa’s chest every time Clarke so much as glanced at her was starting to really irritate her and if she was honest, scare her a little. She’s not averagely afraid to care about people, but she doesn’t at all like where this is headed.

She’s only ever been rejected once, in high school, and that wasn’t because the girl was straight. Lexa didn’t think she’d ever have to experience this and it’s starting to frustrate her that, that isn’t true anymore, if the pounding of her heart and thoughts of what Clarke’s lips might feel like against her own are anything to go by.

The blonde breaks the silence of the car with a soft, “You okay?” that sounds sincere and sweet and makes Lexa want to punch something. The blonde is perfect, absolutely perfect and Lexa wishes just for a moment that she wouldn’t be. She wishes just for a moment that she would yell at Lexa for no reason, or say something mean without realizing it, just so Lexa could find some reason to tell her heart to stop it… but somehow, even now, she isn’t sure that Clarke could say anything to make the situation better. She could be as mean as she wants and Lexa isn’t sure that even then she could stop this feeling from circling around in the pit of her stomach, in her heart.

“Yeah, why?” She asks hoarsely, trying to find a good way to block out the emotion trying to claw its way through her entire being. She doesn’t understand this and she really doesn’t like it. She doesn’t like it at all. She doesn’t know how to control it and she doesn’t know how to not show it. She’s liked girls before, but she’s always been confident about it. It’s always been easy, but liking Clarke like this doesn’t feel easy at all. In fact, she’s never liked anyone like this before and she really doesn’t get it.

“You’re doing that jaw thing you do when something upsets you.” Clarke motions with the tips of her fingers at her jaw and Lexa is taken aback because what is it that she does? She’s never noticed herself that she has a tell, and Clarke knows what it is? That just makes this even worse.

Why does Clarke have to be so Clarke?

“What jaw thing?” She asks hotly, crossing her arms along her chest as she leans into the seat, letting her eyes stray toward the window as the snow starts to drop white flurries on it. She studies them, like they’re the most interesting thing in the world and doesn’t turn, at even the sound of Clarke’s pretty voice.

She knows she’s pouting, she knows that, but she can’t help it. The annoyance bubbling inside of her at all these new and torturous feelings are absolutely terrible. She hates them, she’s absolutely sure that if she could ever hate feelings more, this is it. She’s never been one to attach herself to people, outside of the very little few that she does have. She doesn’t attach herself to new people anyways, the people she does have attachments for she has known all her life, attachment can’t be helped. But this kind of attachment, coming up fast and quick and twisting her up in its dirty hands. It’s unfair; she wants no part of it. She wanted to be friends with Clarke Griffin, she didn’t want to be attached to her.

“You know, that thing, it kind of moves from side to side; I don’t know how to describe it.” Clarke makes a sharp turn and Lexa grips onto the door when she does, feeling panic bubble up in her chest and the irritation boil its way over. She doesn’t like cars, she doesn’t like small spaces, and she doesn’t like being trapped in a car with a girl that she likes that she’s _not supposed to like_. She doesn’t like anything.

“It’s starting to snow, can you be more careful.” Lexa snaps unhelpfully from her place in the passenger seat, her tone is cold and heavy and extremely unkind. Just the way it gets when she’s afraid of feeling things such as what she is feeling now. Though she feels the regret at even snapping at Clarke uncoil in her belly like fire the moment the words leave her mouth. It’s unfair that she feels this way, unfair that she can’t even be rude to Clarke without feeling utterly terrible about it. She can’t even stop herself from her apology before Clarke is even able to say anything at all, a soft “I’m sorry” is leaving her lips and she lets her eyes yet again, glance out the window. She feels the shame, hot on her skin for yelling at her, feels the embarrassment of not even being able to yell at her without feeling guilt. She feels the influx of her feelings aching and throbbing in her chest and she knows she is absolutely hopeless to them; absolutely, utterly, and completely hopeless.

“What’s wrong Lexa? Did I do something?” Clarke’s tone is worried, quiet. “If I made you uncomfortable back there, I’m sorry,” and her words are fast, pushed together, making Lexa’s guilt grow immensely in her chest. Her eyes turn to the worried blonde in the driver’s seat, who grips the steering wheel tightly as she contemplates something in that beautiful head of hers.

“No Clarke, it’s okay. I’m just, not feeling well.” Lexa lets her hand glide across the small space, squeezing Clarke’s knee in a comforting motion though it makes Lexa ache to touch more before removing it and letting her eyes glide back toward the window. She can’t look at Clarke right now while these feelings pile up in her chest. She just needs to get to the party, have a few drinks, and relax. She can’t snap at her because it hurts, she can’t touch her because it creates and itch to just pull the stupid car over and hold her. She can’t handle these feelings, but she can’t make them go away and she can’t take it out on Clarke. She’s stuck.

Clarke’s quiet the rest of the ride and she doesn’t press her, not that Lexa know what Clarke would even have to press her about. Lexa is so relieved once the car is finally parked at the restaurant that she nearly sprints her way out of the car, but Clarke is placing a gentle hand on her wrist to keep her in the tight confining space with her.

She can barely breathe when those blue eyes are looking at her like that. “Tell me what I did so I can fix it.” Clarke whispers softly, and Lexa feels the guilt like a tidal wave because Clarke didn’t do anything. It’s not Clarke’s fault that she’s beautiful and that Lexa likes her. It’s not her fault that she is _Clarke_. It’s just who she is.

So Lexa reaches across the space, cupping Clarke’s face in the palm of her hands and bringing her as close as she can get her without pressing her lips to her own and whispers. “You didn’t do anything wrong, I promise.” And she kisses the corner of her mouth, the same place Clarke had kissed her earlier, the same place she was supposed to kiss Clarke in that scene. She lingers, far too long before backing away, wiping the lipstick that had found its way there from her own lips. She thinks that her lipstick looks good attached to Clarke’s white skin.

She ignores how wide Clarke’s pretty blues are, and ignores the flip of her belly at being so close to her. “I just don’t like tight spaces.” She mumbles before letting go and flinging the car door open and hopping out of the vehicle, trying to gain control of her fast beating heart, the storm taking place wildly in her chest.

Clarke herself stumbles from the car, and Lexa rounds it quickly to help her onto the side walk. They keep their arms linked together and there’s a new knit to Clarke’s eyebrows as she seems to try and think something through in that gorgeous head of hers. Lexa doesn’t ask what she’s thinking because she doesn’t know if she can handle the answer. The best thing she can do now is just try to ignore this, ignore this feeling that throbs in her chest, ignore the urges to touch and caress Clarke’s skin and kiss her lips. Ignore it all as best as she absolutely can until the feelings go away, because it’s just a crush right? It has to go away.

Lexa tries to tell herself that this crush, overtime, will dissipate. But her heart knows that’s not true as they enter the restaurant and Clarke offers her that beautiful charming smile and squeezes her arm in hers like she needs the support herself. Lexa is absolutely fucked and there isn’t a thing she can do about it.

 

***

 

“Clarke, relax, we already talked about this.” The blonde is crushing the lettuce below her fork as she contemplates her situation. Her best friend, Octavia, whom she has no fucking idea why she confided this in, sits across from her, eating just fine, unharmed while she scrolls through her phone with her free hand. She continues to take nothing Clarke says seriously, when this situation is very serious indeed.

“No, you talked; now I’m asking you to listen.” The blonde removes Octavia’s cellphone from her palm so she can gain her full attention. Keeping it trapped between her palm and the table as Octavia scoffs and reaches for it, glaring daggers at Clarke as she is unable to obtain the item back.

Then the younger brunette girl sighs dramatically. “I don’t understand what the big deal is. So you like her like you liked Niylah,” and Clarke can’t help the small tut that leaves her lips as she says those words.

“I like her way more than I ever liked Niylah, Octavia.” She clicks the younger brunette’s phone’s power button as it lights up obnoxiously under her palm so the screen plunges back into blackness. “This is serious okay; I need you to help me get over this.” Clarke pouts across from Octavia as the snow picks up outside, ignoring her own phone as it pings in her own pocket. She’s got a situation, a bad and confusing situation and she needs help with it because she’s realized, over the week she had away at her parents for the holidays, spending every night on the phone with Lexa, that she can’t handle this herself.

“Maybe it’s not so bad. You’ve told me you’ve questioned before, maybe this is life’s way of telling you to question again.” Octavia offers uncooperatively from her place across from her, and Clarke wonders yet again why she decided to go to her least helpful friend for this. She could have gone to Raven, who loves girls and would completely understand. Instead, Octavia was there first, and now here they are.

“I really don’t have the time to question Octavia, nor do I have time for relationships in general, you know that.” Clarke lets out a heavily defeated sigh as she pushes around the leafs of her salad, she doesn’t know if she could digest the stuff even if she wanted too.

Octavia huffs across from her, finally dropping her fork in her hand and sitting up straight in her chair as if she’s finally going to take Clarke seriously, she points at Clarke. “Alright, you’ve been on this no dating, casual sex kick for way too long.” Her tone is accusatory, but all it does is make Clarke roll her eyes.

“I have not, and I haven’t had sex in a long time.” She’s pouting again; she can feel the jut of her bottom lip as she leans back in her seat, crossing her arms along her chest as her thoughts wander toward pretty green eyes and long curly brown hair. She hasn’t seen Lexa in a week outside of phone calls and video chats and she misses her, misses her smell and her touch and her smile.

“So fuck buddy with Lexa, the girl can’t stop staring at you anyway.” Octavia does that heavy sigh she often does when she feels like the conversation is pointless and it irks on Clarke’s nerves. She isn’t listening to her at all, nor is she taking this situation seriously like she should be. Sleeping with Lexa isn’t at all going to solve any of her problems, they’ll make them worse. In fact, just thinking about sleeping with Lexa is making it worse.

“What the hell Octavia, that’s exactly the opposite of what I want to do.” Clarke can’t stop her left hand from come down hard on the table as she tries to grab her friend’s attention, the annoyance and anger surfacing through her eyes.

She can feel her blood start to boil as Octavia releases a cackle. “If having sex with a girl grosses you out maybe that’s your answer.” She continues to offer unsupportively, eyes twinkling with amusement at Clarke’s expense.

Clarke grinds her teeth. “You are the worst friend in the world, and I’ve slept with a girl before.” She grunts out, again crossing her arms along her chest in the restaurant chair.

“No fucking way, when?” The brunette girl leans forward in her chair, eyes wide and fascinated even though Clarke doesn’t get at all why she would be. In fact she had figured Raven already told her that by now, but apparently not.

“It doesn’t matter when; I was drunk at the time anyways.” The blonde shrugs, picking her fork back up to aimlessly stab at the lettuce in hopes Octavia will just drop it. She figured with how much time Octavia and Raven spend together that she must already know, that Raven would have informed her of it a long time ago. But she supposes if that were the case, she would have heard about her hearing about it.

“Holy shit Griffin, you’re kinda gay.” Octavia cackles like it’s the funniest thing in the world.

It makes Clarke cringe. “Okay, listen. Me trying to discover my sexuality isn’t exactly the problem here. I’m aware that I’ve had crushes on girls before, I’m also aware I might like them a little bit, it is what it is. The problem is that I like Lexa, and I can’t like Lexa for so many reasons.” She’s her co-star, she’s way out of her league, she’d never like Clarke like that, they’re both far too busy to even date anyways, Clarke hasn’t even come out to anyone ever and so on and so forth.

“Why can’t you like Lexa? If you like girls and you like Lexa and its increasingly obvious Lexa likes you, then why can’t you like Lexa?” Octavia looked at her like the answer to all of her problems were obvious, which only seemed to fuel Clarke’s frustration.

She huffs loudly. “ _Because I can’t_.” She enunciates each word, trying to capture the young brunette’s attention with her seriousness, but nothing seems to be working. “Besides, I really can’t date a girl right now. My career is just starting to skyrocket; I don’t know what the hell something like that would do to it.” Clarke’s fingers tangle in blonde hair, brushing the locks back from her face in a more stressful manor than she normally does. “Lexa’s my co-star and I honestly am way too busy to try and date anyone, let alone a female.”

Octavia is the one rolling her eyes now, like she could possibly have anything to roll her eyes about. “That leaves us back to fuck buddy status; I think you should go for it.” She announces enthusiastically as if she’s the most helpful friend Clarke could ever have, when the blonde knew for a fact that she was the exact opposite.

“Fuck buddies only work if all you want to do is fuck that buddy,” She can’t help the catch of her breathe as thoughts she prefers to not acknowledge surface to the forefront of her brain. “not hold her hand and buy her lots of pretty things.” Even though Lexa can buy her own pretty things, by god how nice it would be to buy her something pretty just to watch her eyes light up at the sight of it and Clarke knows just how she might react too. She’d kiss her cheek, all sweet and soft, brush her thumb along the skin to whip off her lipstick; she’d smile that rare little smile she’s seemingly only reserved for those closest to her.

Clarke should buy something pretty for Lexa very soon.

“Clarke if I’m being honest, I think you should allow yourself to just sit down and think about how you feel for a while. Figure out a label, or don’t figure one out but accept yourself because there’s nothing at all wrong with liking girls, even in the public eye.” Octavia’s hands reach across the table to signal Clarke to place them in her own, but the blonde doesn’t.

Clarke grunted in irritation at her friend, even though she knew she was at least trying to help her now. “I know there’s nothing wrong with it, but I don’t have to time to try and figure it out Octavia. I don’t have any time left outside of my job, which is what I have to focus on, and if this show doesn’t take off, who knows what’s going to happen.” Her fingers tangle through her blonde hair again, pulling back strands in a rather stressful fashion. This conversation is making her tense; she doesn’t know why she’s decided that confiding in anyone about it was a better idea than trying to ignore it.

“You’re a grown adult, just because you promised your mom and her whatever monster of a boyfriend that you’d be in a successful television show by the end of next year doesn’t mean you actually have to listen to that. You’ve been living blindly through this career of yours since you dropped out of college and I’m starting to worry.” Octavia’s tone has finally taken on the verge of more serious, the tone Clarke wishes she had started with, before she was more irritated as she was now and can’t fully appreciate the attentiveness.

Her voice is full of warning as she mutters out a heavy, “Octavia,”

“No Clarke, before I got that you weren’t really into anyone but you like Lexa and you’re just going to push that away because you think it could damage your career? You could be happy,” Octavia sounds absolutely confused. Her tone is now utterly serious.

Clarke just shakes her head. “There are no guarantees in that.”

“Maybe not, but you honestly don’t know if you don’t try and just shutting yourself off of this idea of maybe seeing where things go with Lexa, that’s closing a lot of doors you’ve never even been through.” Octavia even sounds bewildered as she talks because Clarke has never been one to blindly shut a door without walking through it and fully exploring it on the inside first. She’s always been very adventurous, very curious.

The truth is, this feeling scares her and she’s always been afraid of them. She’s never given herself the time to explore it because it’s different and it’s scary and she’d have to tell everyone she knows that _hey, she kind of likes girls too_ , and that might just be confusing, but most of all… it’s just scary. What would she even say to her mom, who she can barely talk to anymore without physically cringing at their lack of connection and communication? She knows her soon-to-be step monster wouldn’t approve, which would equal things to be harder with her mother because her mother listened to him through and through, always placing Clarke aside as the child.

She grunts, pulling herself from her thoughts to look over her friend’s worried expression. “You’re acting like I’ve known Lexa my whole life and I’m wasting an opportunity.”

“I don’t mean to pressure you about it, I’m sorry if it sounds like that. I just mean, be fair to yourself okay. It doesn’t have to be Lexa, but I’m just trying to say, don’t push away the possibility of falling in love with _anyone_ just because of your work. You don’t have to choose one or the other.” Clarke sighs as Octavia gives her that look, that one full of sincerity and sweetness she often gives when she’s just being a caring friend and Clarke can’t even manage to be agitated by her anymore

She feels defeated as she drops her gaze to her lap where her palms rest and tangle together. “I might if the person I fall in love with is a girl.” Clarke whispers with her hands twisting the coffee cup back and forth in her palms after she reaches for the foam cup, sipping it to wash back the feelings she’s been trying so hard to avoid these past couple weeks.

Octavia smiles at her, sympathetically. “How about you worry about that if it happens Clarke. Lexa’s just a crush right? Maybe just relax, the crush might go away on its own, and if it doesn’t, well maybe you should see where it takes you. Life is full of surprises yeah?” Octavia reaches over to swipe her phone from besides Clarke’s food where the blonde is no longer guarding it.

“I can’t tell if you’re being helpful or not.” Clarke grunts.

“Oh, I most definitely am being helpful.” Octavia’s eyebrows wiggle playfully and Clarke can’t help the soft snort that leaves her lips.

Clarke’s phone pings again in her pocket and she sighs, pulling out her phone to look at the messages she was missing. She smiles immediately and ignores Octavia’s “Must be Lexa,” from across the table as the young brunette seems to get enraptured in some video she finds scrolling through her Facebook feed.

 ** _Lexa (10:33 A.M.):_** _It’s been a week; I’m having Clarke withdrawals, come over?_

 ** _Lexa (10:52 A.M.):_** _CLLLLLLAAARRRKKKEE_

“She’s a dork.” Clarke mumbles to herself as she types out her reply.

 ** _Clarke (10:54 A.M.):_** _Harassing me the day after I get in from my holiday break, you’re so needy._

 ** _Lexa (10:54 A.M.):_** _Six sound good, I can order take out?_

 **Clarke (10:55 A.M.):** _6 is fine._ _J_

 ** _Lexa (10:55 A.M.):_** _see you soon Clarke_

“My god Griffin, you were right, this crush is bad. I haven’t seen you smile like that since Finn.” Octavia gags in her seat, like it’s the grossest thing she’s ever had to witness.

Clarke rolls her eyes. “You are the worst friend in the world.”

 

***

 

“You are so pretty,” Clarke mumbles softly as she combs her fingers through Lexa’s hair. Her hair is so soft and smells so good, she could sit behind Lexa and comb back the curls of her hair for hours and be completely satisfied with it. She wonders if that’s weird, she wonders if the brunette finds it weird when she compliments her, since she knows she does it often. “It’s not even fair; you don’t even have to try.” She mumbles breathily, trying not to be obvious but realizing she’s probably no good at hiding anything from Lexa. At her words however Lexa snorts, scrolling through Netflix as she searches for something interesting, which is what she’s been doing for the past ten minutes, hesitating every once and awhile over something though Clarke isn’t sure if she’s stuttering in her place because of Clarke’s fingers or if she’s reading the description of the program. She hums every once in a while if Clarke scraps against her scalp and sometimes her head tilts back like she’s just enjoying her touch, but then she seems to distract herself with the television in front of them again.

Clarke wants to tell her to screw Netflix. She wants to crawl into her lap and capture her mouth and keep her fingers tangled in her hair as she bites at her very distracting bottom lip. She wants to feel Lexa’s hands shake on her skin and see her skin flush as she coaxes noises from her throat. She wants all kinds of things she knows she can’t want. She knows isn’t appropriate to want, but her brain still doesn’t stop.

“I try, I promise.” She chuckles lightly, but Clarke is so distracted by her hair and her thoughts and the shape of her shoulders as she leans back against the cushion of the couch from her place on the floor. She wonders how she’s going to manage to survive this entire night without doing something incredibly _stupid_. Something she could probably regret, even if it did feel good to act upon her thoughts.

She decides she needs to talk, have some kind of distraction from the feelings uncoiling inside of her. So she takes in a deep breathe, keeping her hands in Lexa’s lovely hair and mumbles, “Lexa, did you have a lot of friend in high school?” watching as the girl flinched to her question, which only served to increase her curiosity about the slightly older girl’s life before she knew her, before television shows and fashion walks.

“Not really,” she answers shortly, picking some weird movie that Clarke had never heard of before and plopping the remote down loudly onto the coffee table in front of her. The blonde regrets asking her something that is obviously very personal and she curses herself for not thinking more about her actions before doing them. She’s too distracted, her average carefulness and attentiveness lost in a sea of things she can’t want from the brunette.

“I didn’t know high school was a sensitive subject, I’m sorry.” Clarke mumbles right away, still letting her fingers braid and tangle through soft brown curls, reveling in the way Lexa leans her head back slightly with each touch. At least the brunette girl hasn’t pulled away from her, or snapped at her like she had that one day in Clarke’s car. She never wants to be snapped at like that by Lexa again, so she’s been trying to be extra attentive to Lexa’s tells about certain questions and situations. She needs to get out of her head before she messes up again.

Lexa turns around to look at her, and those green eyes are so wonderfully soft as they look into her own. She hopes Lexa doesn’t notice the way her breath catches at the sight. “It’s okay, I just didn’t have a very good time in high school.” Lexa shrugs, crawling her way back up onto the couch next to Clarke and the blonde immediately missed having her hands in her hair. But Lexa was still sitting so close to her that their thighs were nearly pressed completely together.

She still needs that distraction to keep herself from actually crawling into Lexa’s lap, so she forces herself to take a breath before turning on the brunette girl and watching her carefully. “Can I ask what happened?” She pulls her knees to her chest and rests her head on top of her knees as she gazes at the beautiful girl beside her. She can’t help that her eyes dip lower to run across her skin, gazing at her collarbones because Lexa is in a light pink tang-top and she has very nice collarbones.

Lexa sighed heavily at Clarke’s request but still nodded anyways. The blonde was just about to tell her that she didn’t have to when she started speaking. “I’ve always been kind of the weird kid, I guess.” Lexa’s brow furrows slightly as she tries to figure out how or what she’s going to say, and Clarke can’t help herself when she reaches over to smooth out the knit in her brow with her thumb. It takes her breath away when the pretty brunette girl seems to lean into her touch. “Kids can be mean, they don’t really like weird.” Lexa shrugged and Clarke felt her heart tug painfully in her chest as her fingers tangled in brown hair again to brush back the strands behind her tiny cute ear.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers softly, hating the image of a young Lexa being picked on by some high school idiots. She hates thinking Lexa had nobody there to defend her, or that Lexa hadn’t been confident enough to defend herself, because that’s kind of what it sounds like as the brunette’s eyebrows scrunch together in thought while she stares at the television in front of her aimlessly.

“It’s okay Clarke, everyone goes through stuff.” She says after a long moment of silence, her eyebrows still knitted together in deep thought. Clarke wants to break her out of it, wants to ask what is going through her head, wants to tell her that she would have been her friend in high school and would have beat up anyone that ever picked on her, that she will even now, hunt them down and beat them up if it makes her feel better. She wants to say a lot of things but for a while she just can’t seem to pull her tongue from the roof of her mouth to formulate all of the thoughts and feelings running through her mind.

After a long moment of silence, that’s tense but not exactly uncomfortable, Clarke manages to pull herself from the trance of things she wants to say and forces a few words out of her mouth. A soft, “but you didn’t deserve that.” Breathlessly leaving her lips like just that simple statement in and of itself is enough to reveal everything she feels for the brunette in the small confining space between them on the couch where they both share the middle cushion, touching even though there is so much room around them. “You’re so beautiful,” Clarke’s fingers are tangling back in Lexa’s curls to push more stands behind her ear. “And so sweet.” She continues, like all these compliments can make up years of high school torture. She wishes it could, but she knows it can’t.

“Not with everyone,” Lexa mumbles quietly, eyes trained on the flashing screen in front of them but Clarke can’t take her eyes off that jaw that had suddenly started working, moving from the left side and then the other and she thinks that maybe she’s overstepped again. Maybe she’s asked too much of Lexa again without realizing that she was overstepping.

She wants to apologize, but instead she just backs her touch away and just simply sits next to Lexa, watching her far more than she can watch the movie in front of them.

Lexa either doesn’t notice or she pretends not too.

 

***

 

“Lexaaaaa!” Clarke giggles from her seat on the couch where they had saved a table in the corner of the club as she shoots up and swings her arms around the lengthy brunette, tapping her nose playfully with the tip of her finger. “You came,” She giggles sweetly and cutely in the girl’s ear, making the brunette’s breathe catch and causing a soft grin to run its way along plump lips.

Clarke is drunk, that is blatantly obvious as she meets the girl’s half lidded blue eyes, glossed over and bright as ever even in the flashing lights of the club they occupy space in. “Of course I did, and you’re drunk.” She laughs at the blonde’s expense, watching a slight pout grace her pretty pink lips. She can’t help the way her eyes dip down to examine them, to look over the small mole above her upper lip. Clarke has such effortlessly pretty features and it baffles the brunette that the blonde doesn’t even seem to notice this about herself.

“Maybe,” She leans over and kisses the corner of Lexa’s mouth, much a greeting they’ve been sharing together often lately. Each time though, it doesn’t fail to send Lexa’s heart on an obnoxious high speed chase in her chest, like she has never been greeted with a kiss on the corner of her mouth before. She has, she has by her best friend, she has by both of her best friends, and she has by her mother, by her manager. So many people have greeted her with a kiss and yet… it never feels like this. _This_ always feels like fire, spreading through her until she is burning so much she wishes she could just grab Clarke’s face and _kiss_ her, really, really kiss her.

“Hi Lexa,” Octavia waves from her seat as if gravitating her back to planet earth and off planet Griffin. There’s a small smile playing on her lips that’s friendly and easy going and almost knowing and Lexa doesn’t really want to contemplate what it means. Lexa has only ever met with Octavia once, a few months ago at the girl’s house when Clarke was having a party she really wanted her to attend, so she could obviously only be seeing things that are clearly not there or miss reading her expression which she knows nothing about.

“Hey,” She smiles at her back, very shy before letting her gaze rest on the blonde that leans against her, whose arms are still tightly wrapped around her neck and don’t seem to be coming loose anytime soon. She’s grinning that bright happy grin of hers and Lexa can’t help but _melt_ at the sight because Clarke is just so unbelievably gorgeous when she smiles so big like that. Smiles look beautiful on her, perfect actually. God how Lexa loves it when Clarke is happy.

“Wanna dance with me gorgeous?” The blonde purrs in her ear, so sweet and irresistible and making Lexa shiver with the spreading fire running across her skin at the feel of Clarke’s soft lips pressing against her ear.

Lexa’s shiver is obvious to Clarke when being so tightly wrapped in her arms and she can’t stop the flutter of her eyelids as Clarke’s breathe brushes across her skin. She’s just glad the blonde is drunk and most likely won’t care that Lexa’s feelings for her are so very obvious, so blatantly and uncontrollably obvious, as they always are because apparently _acting_ is not a concept she understands when it comes to the beautiful blonde wrapped around her body.

“Can I have a drink first?” Lexa thinks being drunk around an affectionate Clarke Griffin is far better than being sober around one, because at least then if she does something stupid, which she very much is aware she will if Clarke keeps hanging on her like this, she can just blame it on the alcohol and the blonde would be none the wiser in the morning. In fact, if they’re both drunk then they both can’t make things awkward, it feels like a solid proof plan, even though it most definitely is not.

“Of course you can sweetheart; I’ll get it for you.” Clarke kisses the corner of her mouth again before reluctantly parting from her and Lexa doesn’t realize how long she had been holding her breathe until Clarke is out of sight.

She releases it a bit loudly.

“Clarke’s an affectionate drunk, don’t worry about it.” Octavia waves off the girl’s behavior and Lexa smiles shyly again, nodding her head at the younger brunette. The hope that Clarke might like her too is getting stronger with each passing interaction, so she tries to plummet the idea down as she takes a seat next to the younger brunette girl and repeats her words over and over in her own head until she feels the slight twinge of disappointment start to course through her as she believes that Clarke could never like her like that. These feelings have only grown even worse since the wrap party and she’s starting to wonder if it’s possible for a little crush to get so bad that you can’t possibly ignore it.

“Thank god you’re finally here; she never shuts up about you.” Octavia is smiling at her, all soft and friendly and Lexa has to remind herself that socializing is only awkward if she makes it awkward. She adjusts against the couch cushion, her back straightening up as she feels Octavia’s eyes roam her body.

She smiles at the younger girl, it doesn’t reach her eyes and it doesn’t feel natural, but she still manages one. “She’ll calm down; she’s excited about the new show.” Lexa finds her eyes breaking from Octavia to look into the crowd for wisps of blonde hair, but she doesn’t see Clarke anywhere in the tangle of bodies in front of her. She really could use that drink right about now, if only to just relax her, and Clarke’s calming presence, even though her heart seems to palpitate at her mere existence she always feels so much better around the blonde girl, so much more comfortable.

“I think she’s more excited about working with you actually. You’ve been on her kiss list for a while.” The statement is said so calmly and easily, but it makes Lexa nearly choke on her own saliva. She can hear how loud the catch of her breathe is and has never been more relieved to be surrounded by such boisterous music. She really, really could use that drink now more than ever if she heard Octavia right.

Lexa’s heart is going to explode.

“Her what list?” But before Octavia can clarify, the giggling of a drunk Clarke Griffin is back as she sets a tray of different drinks on the table and collapses in Lexa’s lap who is utterly taken aback by the action. Yes her and Clarke have gotten more affectionate lately, but this is the first time ever that the blonde as collapsed herself on the brunette’s lap, delicate hands tangling in her hair as she tries to pull herself closer, noticeably breathing her in like Lexa were her own bouquet of flowers. Lexa is going to combust, she’s sure of it.

“Here you go,” Clarke whispers in her ear as she passes her something brightly colored. “Drink up, I wanna dance.” One of her hands slides across Lexa’s belly and down to her hip and she can’t stop the soft flush of her cheeks at the action or the little noise of surprise that erupted its way from her throat.

“Clarke,” She stutters out as the girl smiles at her, all bright glossy eyes and innocent as ever.

“Yes Lexa?” She asks sweetly, as guiltless as you can possibly ask anything and Lexa wonders if maybe she’s imagining these actions. But she knows she’s not as Clarke’s lips press against her cheek and the hand on her hip presses a bit harder, her thumb rubbing in a pattern that makes Lexa’s head spin along the soft protrude of her hipbone through the material of her dress. Clarke is just being incredibly unfair now.

The brunette finds that she has downed the contents of her glass in the next five seconds, unsure of how she’s going to be able to handle this at all tonight, unless she allows herself to get completely plastered. Clarke giggles in her ear and she knows that she is going to need to be plastered to be able to manage at all.

She leans forward to grab another drink off the tray and grips onto Clarke’s thighs with one hand to keep her in place at the sudden actions, and Clarke’s skin against her hands feels so nice. She isn’t sure which drink she grabs but she knows she downs it quickly as Clarke’s fingers fumble through her hair and her breathe cascades across the skin on her jawline with each giggle she releases. She is so drunk and Lexa shouldn’t be attracted to her like this but she was. She had a hot girl on her lap in a very short dress that didn’t do much to hide her ample cleavage. She was a gentlewoman, but she wasn’t dead.

“Perhaps you should give Lexa some space Clarke,” Octavia shouts over the music, watching the interaction between the two of them with raised eyebrows. Lexa didn’t at all think about how Octavia might be able to witness the interactions between them, and how she’d surely tell Clarke of anything stupid that Lexa could possibly do. Perhaps she needs to try and be better about hiding her feelings, but she knows that’s almost impossible as Clarke places another soft kiss under her ear.

Clarke only giggles and presses another kiss to Lexa’s cheek only a few moments after the kiss under her ear. “She’s fine,” Lexa lies, breath catching with each brush of the blonde’s fingertips and touch of breathe.

“Let’s dance Lexa,” Clarke giggles in her lap as Lexa tightens her grip on her thighs to keep her in place. She keeps slipping and the brunette fears she might fall and crack her head against the table in front of them.

“Alright,” Lexa sighs in almost defeat as Clarke shouts excitedly as she hops up from her place on Lexa’s lap, hand instantly clasping Lexa’s to pull her up as well. She grabs another drink and downs it before she’s completely pulled away into the crowd of sweaty bodies by the blonde.

She tries to ignore that knowing look she finds on Octavia’s face as she disappears from view.

 

 

Lexa doesn’t know how many drinks she’s had, but she does know she’s not thinking clearly at all. There’s a calmness too her as the alcohol fogs her thoughts and spurs on motivation to touch and say things she normally wouldn’t. She’s got Clarke’s hands in her hair again and it feels _so nice_ , she doesn’t understand why at any point she’d not want Clarke’s hands in her hair when it feels this _nice_. She can hear people shouting down numbers into the next year but she doesn’t care about that, all she cares about is following the scar under Clarke’s chin with the tip of her finger as she wonders where the beautiful girl got it.

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice is sleepy, low as people shout around them. Lexa sits up from where her head was laying in Clarke’s lap and brushes her fingertips across her pretty cheekbone. The blonde leans into her touch and her half-lidded eyes almost look seductive in the quick flashing blue light of the club. Lexa knows Clarke is looking at her lips, and she would be lying if she wasn’t looking at Clarke’s.

“I want to kiss you.” Lexa mumbles drunkenly pressing forward until she feels Clarke’s nose brush against her own. She can hear the pretty blonde girl’s breathe catch as delicate hands stay tangled in her hair, grip tightening slightly but not painfully. She’s looking at Clarke’s eyes but she can’t help the way her orbs drop down to her lips every few seconds. She has never wanted to kiss someone as much as she wants to kiss Clarke Griffin right now.

“So kiss me,” Clarke mumbles, eyes drooping slightly as blue orbs drop to look at her lips and Lexa can feel her heart beating hard as she hears a shout of _“one”_ in the background and then she pushes forward and she kisses Clarke entirely too softly for being as drunk as she is. A warmth uncoiling in her belly and spreading fire through her body.

She kisses her and it’s _so nice_ , like breathing fresh air when you’ve been trapped inside too long. Clarke’s lips are soft against her own, teeth pulling at her bottom lip lightly until she’s shaking in front of the girl, her own palms gripping the cushions behind the blonde’s body as the girl melts into her touch.

“Alrighty, someone’s had too much to drink.” Lexa feels herself being pulled off of the blonde as her friend’s voice echoes in her ear, but she fights off her touch, mumbling out in protest as Anya tugs her up and onto her feet. She doesn’t know why she’s not still kissing Clarke when it’s the only thing that feels right. “Hi Clarke,” Anya says and Lexa releases a sigh at the sound of the blonde’s name, twisting in Anya’s arms so she can try and get back to her pretty blonde friend who’s lips are so soft and who feels like the summer sun.

“Anya,” Clarke giggles brightly up at her and the sound is beautiful. “You look so pretty,” Clarke tries to stand from her place on the couch but she quickly loses her balance and falls back against the couch cushion again with a snort. Lexa wants to help her stand, but she has little strength with the alcohol heavy in her system and Anya’s arm’s tightly wrapped around her to keep her away from her new favorite person.

“Oh Jesus, come on Clarke, I’ll give you a ride.” She would offer her hand out to Clarke but Lexa realizes her tall friend is too busy wrapping her arms around her to keep her in place while she tries and fails to squirm out of her touch.

She just wants to tangle herself in Clarke and her friend is being entirely uncooperative. “I’m supposed to go home with Octavia and Raven,” Clarke’s words slur slightly as she informs Lexa’s tall friends of her original plans, blue eyes locked on Lexa who fights for her freedom just so she can climb into the blonde’s lap and kiss her soft lips again.

“I saw Raven leave with some curly haired girl, and Octavia is far too drunk to be driving anyone, damn it Lexa stand still.” Anya grips her tighter, her voice stern as she addresses her but it only makes Lexa whine in protest to being kept away from the pretty blonde girl.

“Let me go.” Lexa whines pouting slightly as she is unable to remove the older girl’s grip.

“I’m trying to help you.” Anya says sternly in her ear, and it makes Lexa pout further as she slumps into her shoulder in defeat, aware that she is not at all strong enough right now to fight Anya off.

“Okay, I guess.” Clarke shoots up on wobbly legs from the couch and when she goes to fall again, Anya catches her with one hand, pulling her upright. “Thank you,” Clarke giggles, fingers reaching out for Lexa and the brunette is so relieved to see her close to her again that she can’t help the soft sigh that leaves her lips at the sudden contact.

Lexa lets her hand tangle with Clarke’s, sighing happily at the contact and smiling over at the pretty blonde girl that’s now very close to her. She wants to kiss her and kiss her and kiss her until her lungs burst, she wants to run her hands all over her body and feel her sigh into her mouth, she wants to taste her tongue and learn her body.

But she also just really loves to hold Clarke’s hand in her own as they gaze at each other. That feels so right.

“Oh my god,” Anya grumbles. “You can’t say I’m not trying,” Anya scolds Lexa as she pushes the two girl’s toward the exit, her hands hovering over both of them to catch them if one of them starts to lose their balance, but they seem to be relying on each other for that as Lexa’s hand clasps Clarke’s tightly and she giggles each time Clarke brushes her lips against her skin, under her ear, on her jaw, her cheek.

Both girls don’t get to see Anya rolling her eyes from behind them.

It’s cold outside, and the two girls cling to each other at the breeze, Clarke giggling each time Lexa whispers something flirty in her ear like “you keep me warm,” or something else that Anya finds entirely disgusting. She rolls her eyes again at them and leads them to her car, opening the back door and shoving Clarke inside, though she pulls Lexa from Clarke to try and separate them for her friend’s sake.

Lexa doesn’t understand why she does that. It feels like torture as her hand parts from Clarke’s, and by the sound the blonde makes when they are no longer touching, she seems to feel the same way. Lexa wants to climb in the back and grab Clarke’s hand again, just to hold it and be close to her, but Anya is gripping her tightly and pulling her away and it feels an awful lot like a nightmare.

“I wanna sit with Clarke,” She whines like a child and Anya yet again rolls her eyes, but Lexa is too distracted reaching out for pretty blonde hair to realize it.

“Absolutely not Lexa, if I let you do that you would kill me tomorrow for not helping you.” Anya’s voice is stern in her ear, but Lexa again, is too drunk and misses Clarke too much to notice.

“Let me sit with Clarke,” She whines highly in her throat again.

“Fine, but no kissing Lexa,” There’s a slight pout to the brunette’s lips that makes Anya grit her teeth. “No kissing, if you kiss her I’m pulling the car over and you’re sitting in the front, you understand?” Lexa regards Anya for a moment before she nods her head in understanding, she didn’t have plans to kiss Clarke even though she wanted too. She just wanted to be close to her again.

“Okay, no kissing.” Lexa pouts slightly as she climbs into the back seat with the blonde. Anya hears Clarke giggle as Lexa tells her they aren’t allowed to kiss and she can’t believe her friend actually got drunk enough to act this way. She hasn’t done something like this since high school; actually, Lexa doesn’t really drink. She hates drinking on average, but it was New Years, so it’s not that weird that she wanted to have fun at a party.

She shuts the back door with force and rolls her eyes again as she sees the girls slump together in the back seat, Clarke continues to place kisses in different places on Lexa’s skin and Anya wonders how the hell she’s going to manage to get them to part at all for the night. How the hell is she going to explain to Lexa that Clarke Griffin is making the moves on her while their drunk and that she’s see this kind of thing before. How the hell does she protect Lexa from a crush like this that is clearly going to hurt her?

She releases a heavy sigh and plops herself into the driver’s seat, adjusting her mirror to see the girls in the back. They seem to be falling asleep against each other and she’s about to snap at them to put their seat belts on when Lexa’s eyes pop open and she’s turning toward the blonde, tugging on the seat belt and buckling her in. She touches Clarke’s face softly and smiles at her as warmly as you can smile at something you might love. “All safe,” she mumbles and buckles herself into the middle so she can stay beside Clarke.

Anya would be lying if she said her heart didn’t melt in her chest. She hasn’t seen her friend this smitten with someone since high school. This isn’t exactly the best thing for her; Anya knows that, she doesn’t even know if Clarke likes girls. But tonight isn’t about that, it’s about protecting her friend from doing something she might regret, and so far she hasn’t done the best job of that, though she didn’t know that was going to be her duty tonight when she had first arrived at the New Year’s party.

She starts the car and glances at the two women in her back seat to check on them before she pulls out, noticing both their eyes closed as Lexa leans on Clarke’s shoulder and Clarke lays her head on Lexa’s while their hands stay grasped tightly between each other.

She sighs heavily while shaking her head as she backs out of the parking space.

 

***

 

“I have to ask you a question about your new friend,” Anya asks as she plops herself into a seat next to Lexa as she agonizes over a new contract for a brief appearance on a talk show. She hasn’t been in the mood to read it, and the lines start to blur together seemingly consistently.

“Clarke?” She asks as she taps her pin against the crisp white paper. She welcomes the distraction of the subject of Clarke, in fact, that’s a perfect distraction as Clarke will always be the most interesting thing in the entire world, possibly.

“I love Clarke,” Costia announces from her seat next to Lexa, eyes distracted on the pink box of donuts Anya sets down on the table. “That girl is so nice.” She reaches over to grab a donut from the box that Anya had brought with her to Lexa’s that morning, but the brunette wasn’t really in the mood for sweets, so instead she just examines the different kinds as her thoughts wander to pretty blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes, as they often do.

“Okay yes, she’s nice.” Anya nods her head before turning her attention back on Lexa. “But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.” She’s got that serious tilt to her eyebrow she gets when she’s going to mother Lexa, which she often does because she’s kind of grown up guarding her and protecting her from harm the best she could in most situations. She isn’t sure why she’s receiving that look with Clarke’s name attached to it but she knows it can’t be good, and she can suddenly feel the dread start to slowly uncoil in her stomach unpleasantly.

“Did she do something?” Costia asks brightly through a mouthful of donut, looking as pretty and classy as a girl can with her mouth full of pastry. Lexa would laugh at her if Anya wasn’t practically glaring at her in that motherly fashion she often does.

“No, she didn’t do anything Cos, will you stop interrupting this doesn’t involve you.” Anya snaps with a slight amount of bite, and the dark skinned girl’s eyebrows shoot up with surprise at the action. Lexa would also be surprised, but she knows how protective Anya gets of her.

“Well, well, well.” Costia feigns hurt as she presses a hand to her chest, the glaze of the donut she’s eating smearing at the corner of her mouth near her plump lips.

“Did you not have your coffee this morning?” Lexa asks with a teasing smile, an eyebrow tilting up playfully as she lets her eyes rest on her friend, hoping to quell her growing anxiety at whatever topic that involves Clarke that has the older girl so tense.

Anya only glares at her. “I’m serious Lexa,”

“Okay,” Lexa sighs heavily, folding up the contract and pushing it away from her. “What is so important about Clarke that you can’t just ask her yourself?” Lexa asks delicately, raising her right eyebrow up in question.

“I can’t exactly ask Clarke if the crush you have on her has extended from celebrity to actually want to date.” Anya’s own eyebrows shoot up seriously as Lexa stares at her a moment, caught off guard as Costia chokes on the donut in her mouth, reaching for her coffee to swallow the contents down.

Lexa averts her gaze, knowing it’s an obvious action as she twirls the pen between her fingertips. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She tries discreet, but it’s not discreet at all.

“You’re playing with fire Lexa, does she even like girls? Hold up, that doesn’t matter, you work with her.” Anya’s tone is accusatory, but more importantly its concern. Lexa recognizes it clear as day. She hasn’t heard that specific kind of concern in her voice since high school, and it makes her incredibly uneasy.

“You want to date Clarke?” Costia sounds horrified and it makes Lexa flinch.

“I never said I wanted to date Clarke,” Lexa snaps at Anya, her glare forming before she can help it. She knows this is the wrong action, because Lexa only gets defensive when Anya is right, and Anya is most definitely right and she already knows all of Lexa’s tells, and this is so obviously a tell. Her own eyebrows rising up with that _‘oh really’_ look crossing her very pretty features.

 Lexa would _love_ to date Clarke.

“Please Lexa, I thought it was cute before when I thought it was innocent, but you kissed her at the New Year’s party.” Anya’s tone is back to accusatory, concern and she’s giving Lexa that sympathetic gaze she gave her when she learned of her crush on Costia she had a long time ago, because it was impossible then and this crush on Clarke is impossible now.

“I was drunk,” She says in that high pitched tone she gets when she’s trying to hide something, again she wonders why in the world she can’t remember a thing about acting when it comes to her feelings for the pretty blonde girl of topic.

“You kissed Clarke?” Costia sounds even more horrified now. “Maybe she’s not as nice as I thought she was.”

“What,” Lexa snaps at her. “What is this? I don’t want to date Clarke, we were drunk, everything is fine.” Her chest is heaving with her heavy breathes as she tries to defend herself, but it’s pointless. Anya already knows, she can’t hide from her, she’s never been able to hide from her.

“I can’t believe you kissed Clarke,” Costia says in that low tone she gets when she’s disappointed in her and she can’t help the low glare gracing her features at her tone. She’s slightly annoyed that Anya had to have this conversation in front of her, as this is clearly none of the dark skinned girl’s business.

“It doesn’t matter who I kiss, it’s none of your business, and it’s none of your business.” Lexa snaps with grinding teeth as she looks between both the girl’s staring at her. She swipes up the contract from the table. “Excuse me; I’ve got some work to do.” She grumbles and makes her way out of the dining room toward her room, grumbling all the way out of the room.

Anya sighs and follows her much to her dismay. “I didn’t mean to upset you Lexa,” Anya grabs Lexa’s wrist to get her to stop walking so quickly away from her and to looks at her. She’s got that sincere motherly look in her eyes and Lexa can’t stay mad at her when Anya is only trying to look out for her.

“I know.” She mumbles as Anya drops her wrist. She feels the slight twist of her stomach at the unfortunate feeling of having again, a crush on a girl in a way that will only ever be one-sided. The last thing Anya wants is for Lexa to go through the humiliation she went through in high school again, only this time it would be worse because Clarke is straight, and Lexa should know Clarke is straight.

“I just don’t want to see the same thing happen that happened with,” Anya trails off as her eyes shoot to the dining room archway as if that’s reference enough, and it is. It most definitely is because Lexa really does not want to talk about this.

She sighs heavily. “I know, I’m handling it.” Lexa’s fingers brush through her hair and Anya nods slowly.

“I think she might like you too.” Anya offers her a soft smile, trying to be the loving supporting friend she knows Lexa needs when it comes to things like straight girl crushes, as she herself has been there before, and she knows this is Lexa’s first experience with it.

“She doesn’t like girls.” Lexa says with a soft disappointed smile.

“I’m sorry,” Anya’s grabbing her wrist again as if that will help support her and in and odd way it does. The disappointment of knowing Clarke could never like her like that can’t be fully comforted by touch, but it’s nice to have her friend here to help her through this. Anya has always understood her and been there for her through most all of her difficult situations. She knows she can count on the older girl to help her with any of her struggles and that makes her feel incredibly comfortable at the current moment. “Come back to breakfast, we’re supposed to go to the carnival today and you’re not making me take Costia without you, she only gets on the bumper cars once.” Anya rolls her eyes as if such an action is absolutely appalling.

To Lexa and Anya it definitely is. “I know because she’s lame.” The brunette chuckles, dropping her contract on a lamp side table and following Anya back into the dining room.

 

***

 

“What are you doing for Valentine’s day?” Lexa asks Clarke as discreetly as she possibly can, though the thought of Clarke having a date with someone makes her want to vomit all over the side walk in front of them. She doesn’t know why she asks it, she doesn’t know what the urge is. Anya had cancelled last minute, she’s got a heavy work load with her new case and she just can’t make their average Valentine’s Day date to the roller rink.

She didn’t have plans to ask Clarke, but it seems her brain was making decisions without consulting her first today. “Nothing,” She sighs heavily. “I haven’t had a valentine’s day date since like, sophomore year of college.” The blonde chuckles glancing beside her at Lexa who in turn as well chuckles, though the brunette is aware the sound comes out as more of a nervous snort than anything else.

“I kind of find that hard to believe.” Lexa says trying to tell herself to breathe as she feels Clarke’s arm slide beneath her own and wrap around her. She has been even more affectionate since the New Year’s Eve party, and though it’s clearly obvious at why that possibility is, she ignores it. She ignores it like she ignores the crush that gross heavy and unrelenting in her chest each moment she spends with the beautiful blonde girl beside her.

“I don’t really date.” Clarke says with a shrug as Lexa’s breathe catches audible in her throat. Why it makes hear heart sink into the pit of her stomach, she doesn’t quite know. It’s not like she had hope that she could date Clarke before the blonde had said that… but perhaps the naive part of her did, and now that small ounce of hope is being crushed even more. She wishes she could just get over this silly little crush. It makes absolutely no logical sense to her, and it’s a big inconvenience.

“Why?” Lexa asks, hoping her voice doesn’t shake.

“Not enough time, I’m too busy.” Clarke shrugs beside her and she can’t stop herself from looking down as the wind whips back pretty blonde hair. She looks beautiful as the wind turns her cheeks and her nose slightly pink. Clarke seems to contemplate something before she meets Lexa’s eye line. “I think it’s mostly just because I haven’t met someone that I’ve wanted to date.”

She tries to bury the hope suddenly fighting its way back up from the ashes but it’s still there, swirling its way inside of her and making her heart beat unevenly against her ribcage. She breaks her gaze from Clarke’s and looks ahead of her, pulling the corner of her bottom lip into her mouth as she thinks a moment. “There’s this, couples skating thing that they do at this roller rink that Anya and I love a lot, we usually go every year but she’s working on Valentine’s day, do you want to come with me?” It sounds like a date, it very much sounds like a date, she even asked it like a date, but Lexa still tries to tell herself it’s not a date. It can’t be a date because Clarke wouldn’t want it to be a date, because Lexa can’t date her co-star, because Clarke doesn’t date, _because, because, because_.

“Like a date?” Clarke’s voice is teasing but it makes Lexa panic anyway, her cheeks flushing pink and she hopes Clarke just thinks it’s because of the cold.

“Like a friend date. Couples get in free and stuff so,” She hopes Clarke doesn’t notice that her jaw is clenching with her nerves as she tries to calm them down.

“Sure, sounds fun.” Clarke shrugs again, like it’s no big deal and Lexa can feel the smile running across her face before she can stop it. It’s not a date, but god does it feel like she just asked Clarke on a date, and god does it feel like Clarke just said yes.

 

***

 

“I can’t believe you’re taking Clarke Griffin on a date, she’s not even that pretty.” Costia snaps unpleasant as she leans against the archway of Lexa’s bathroom entrance. She has a prissy air about her that Lexa isn’t used to seeing, nor can she place why it could possibly be there. She wants to ask her what her problem is, maybe she just had a bad day, but she’s far too focused on her hair as she needs it to look perfect, not because of Clarke, no, definitely not because of Clarke. Just because… roller skating is a fashionable thing.

“It’s not a date and she is very pretty, what’s wrong with you.” Lexa continues to slowly straighten her hair in the mirror as Costia leans against the wall, her arms crossed along her chest as she pouts beside her.

“You’re going couples skating on Valentine’s Day, how is that not a date?” She looks mad but Lexa still can’t fathom why as she raises an eyebrow in silent question to the girl’s behavior. Half her thoughts are fogged with what Clarke might be wearing, or if she’s close to arriving at her door. She can’t wait to see her, and she knows she’s acting a bit giddy for something that isn’t a date, but she just can’t help it.

“Anya and I go every year, we’re not dating.” Lexa reasons as she glances at Costia in the mirror, the girl’s blue eyes darken.

“It’s different; you don’t want to date Anya.” Costia says bitterly into the space between them and it makes Lexa’s eyebrows rise up slightly in shock. Costia rarely ever snaps at her.

“I don’t want to date Clarke.” She says levelly, not understanding her friend’s behavior.

“Yes you do.” Costia rolls her eyes. “I don’t know why though, I don’t get what the big deal is about her.” Costia’s voice is reaching that annoying octave it gets when things aren’t going her way. “She’s not that pretty, she has stubby fingers and she doesn’t even like girls.” She huffs still leaning against the bathroom door and Lexa can’t help the small amount of anger she has as Costia insults Clarke in front of her, Clarke whom she just exclaimed was nice a few days ago.

“What is wrong with you, she’s _very_ pretty.” Lexa defends, finishing straightening her hair as she turns to face the slightly shorter than her girl. Costia’s eyes are a different shade of blue than Clarke’s, a bit darker, but still very pretty, though in this moment they aren’t as warm as her gaze averagely holds when looking at Lexa, something the brunette is clearly confused about.

“I don’t think so.” Costia mutters out coldly.

“What’s wrong Costia,” Lexa asks sincerely because there’s clearly something wrong with her. She doesn’t act like this on average, there’s something bothering her and she needs to spit it out before things get worse. It’s not fair of her to take it out on Lexa, and Clarke.

“Nothing,” She pouts further and Lexa raises her eyebrow up questioningly. “I don’t know why you asked her and not me? I’ve always been your second.”

“You’ve got a date tonight, and you don’t like roller skating.” Lexa reasons obviously. She doesn’t understand Costia at all, or how she could possibly be snappy just because she’s jealous that Lexa didn’t ask her first. It seems so childish, so unlike her. “But if it helps, next time Anya bails on me. I promise to go to you first.” She steps closer to the slightly shorter girl and watches as her demeanor relaxes a little.

“Still should have asked me.” She mumbles unhappily, quiet.

She must be having a hard day, that’s all Lexa can think as she offers her a soft smile. “I promise from now on, I’ll ask you.” She holds up her pinky finger and watches as the girl smiles slightly in return, reaching up and curling it around Lexa’s own.

“Okay,” There’s a loud knock on Lexa’s door and the brunette can’t help but nearly shove Costia out of the way as she makes her way out of the bathroom and across the living room, pulling the door open to reveal the prettiest blonde in the entire world.

“God Lexa,” Clarke sounds breathless and it makes the brunette blush. “You are so pretty.” She leans forward and places a kiss at the corner of Lexa’s mouth in greeting before Lexa moves aside to allow the blonde inside.

She thinks she is absolutely nothing compared to the sight before her but she holds her tongue, offering Clarke her gentlest smile. “Just let me grab my jacket,” She only skids away from the blonde when she gives her a gentle nod. _God she is adorable_.

“Hi Clarke,” Costia says quietly from behind the couch as her dark blue eyes scrutinize the blonde in front of her. She hopes Costia will be nice, as she’s in a funny mood and Lexa isn’t sure.

“Oh, hi Costia,” Clarke smiles over at the other brunette girl lightly and beautifully, because Clarke is always sweet and gentle and soft.

“I’ll be right back and then we can go.” Clarke says gently, placing her hand on Clarke’s upper arm lightly before disappearing down the hall. She can feel the excitement coursing through her veins at spending all day with Clarke. She checks herself over once in the mirror before she grabs her leather jacket and pulls it on, checking herself again to make sure she looks good. She definitely does, leather was clearly a good choice.

She has to talk herself out of sprinting down the hall and back into the living room, repeating over and over in her head that this isn’t a date; this is just her and Clarke spending time together, on Valentine’s Day. That’s all; a friend date isn’t a real date. Just a friend date. She can’t stop the smile from gracing her face as she enters the living room again, though it drops quickly when she sees the heavy frown on Clarke’s lips, the corner of her lip pulled between her teeth as her eyebrows knit together in deep thought.

“Hey, you ready?” Lexa asks softly as she enters the room, watching as Clarke snaps out of her thoughts and meets Lexa’s eyes, an unreadable expression storming its way through pretty blue eyes.

“I’m sorry Lexa, I can’t go, something just came up.” Clarke rushes out in a hushed tone, there’s that knit to her eyebrows staying persistently.

“Oh,” Lexa tries to hide the disappointment from surfacing on her face but she knows she fails.

“Yeah my friend Raven her car broke down and,”

“Oh can I help, I can,”

“No, no, it’s okay. I need to take her home she’s just really, she gets,” Clarke swung her hands around as she bit at her lip again, turning for the door. “I’m really sorry Lexa, I promise I’ll make it up to you.” The blonde is looking at her all sincere and soft Lexa believes she will make it up to her. But she doesn’t believe her excuse for leaving and she suddenly doesn’t understand what she has done to make Clarke change her mind. She wants to ask, but she can’t seem to muster the courage.

“No it’s alright,” Lexa can’t stop the disappointment from escaping her audibly.

“I’m sorry, I’ll see you later.” The blonde opens the door, but she seems to hesitate, she looks back, meeting Lexa’s eyes and there’s something there, swirling in them but Lexa can’t read what she’s thinking at all. She looks like she struggling and Lexa wants to cross the space and close the distance between them. She wants to cup Clarke’s face in her hands and ask what’s wrong, what she had done.

She doesn’t.

Clarke is gone before she gains the courage.

She sighs heavily, collapsing onto the couch in defeat as Costia makes her way back into the room.

“What happened?” She asks sincerely but Lexa is too disappointed to even meet her eye line.

“I don’t know.” Lexa shrugs with frustration washing over her.

“Are you alright?” Costia asks gently, collapsing into the seat next to her and placing her hand on her friend’s knee.

Lexa shrugs. “I really wanted to go roller skating.” She lies, feeling the distress as it continues to grow inside of her chest.

“Well, let’s go then.”

Lexa sighs and shakes her head. “No, it’s okay.” She leans forward to begin taking her jacket off.

“Hey,” Costia reaches out to stop her. “You want to roller skate, we’re going to roller skate, come on.” She demands, pulling Lexa up with her and readjusting her jacket so it’s back in place along the brunette’s shoulders. Costia holds the ends of her jacket and there’s something in her eyes but Lexa is too disappointed to ask what’s on her mind.

“Costia,” Lexa begins to protest.

“Come on Lex, its valentine’s day, you deserve to have some fun.” She looks at her friend sincerely. A small smile graces Lexa’s lips and she releases a heavy sigh.

She does love to roller skate. “Alright,” She mumbles, smiling as Costia does. She wishes Clarke was going with her, but at least she’ll still get to go to the rink.


	3. your walls are caving in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm getting this out the last second on Friday and I apologize for that but I still made Friday! I still made it! Stupid adult life. I hope you guys like this chapter though. Again there's probably some mistakes as I got tired of going through it tonight, so I know my eyes must have slipped stuff, sorry for that.
> 
> It's nice and long like the first two. :)

They didn’t arrive together; they didn’t even text to match their clothing like it looks like they did. But somehow, they are here as if they haven’t parted for a moment, something Clarke was easily getting used too. They didn’t arrive together but they were now being thrown together at every possible chance they could be. Kane demanding one of them stand close to the other during a speech, all of their interviews right next to each other along the carpet, sometimes even together.

Clarke hadn’t taken one photo without Lexa since the ones that were taken of her upon her arrival and she couldn’t exactly say that she minded at all. Though if Lexa had brought a date like she had said she might do when talking to Clarke over the phone a few days ago, that date would have surely been upset about this. Lexa didn’t bring a date though, much to Clarke’s relief.

The blonde knew the premiere day would be busy, but she wasn’t expecting as much hype as there currently was being flowed throughout the event. The show hadn’t even aired yet but it was still anticipated. It had big names working behind it, and that always does something for a television show. It doesn’t always save it, but Clarke is hoping this kind of response of premiere night will lead to a season two, even if it still is too soon to tell something like that.

Lexa doesn’t seem like she minds being surrounded by the blonde all night as she continues to talk in her ear and pull her closer to her during photo sessions. She had even pulled Clarke into her interview once already and kept gushing over Clarke’s outfit. She doesn’t know how much of it is genuine, as Lexa has been doing this a lot longer than Clarke has. Perhaps most if it is just because she knows it’ll look good, but Clarke would be lying if she said she didn’t like the amount of attention she was receiving by the brunette, even if it wasn’t all real.

The screening was exciting because it was huge, it didn’t seem to matter how many times Clarke had been to a screening, it was always something else watching one at a premiere. They had free food and drinks and though Lexa got distracted by her colleagues and her other friends she always found her way back to Clarke, even when there were no cameras to witness it. That thought always made Clarke’s heart beat unevenly in her chest.

She only realized that Lexa was nervous about tonight when the brunette’s palm attached itself to the arm of her chair in a white knuckle grip. Clarke doesn’t know if she’s been holding everything like that, or if now, because things are dark and she thinks nobody is watching her, that she’s letting some of her nerves out.

Clarke oddly feels relaxed, something that isn’t normal for her at these events. So she hesitates a moment before giving in and sliding her palm across the top of Lexa hand as if to comfort her. The brunette is tense under her touch but she doesn’t know if that’s because she’s already tense or because of her touch. She’s just about to pull her hand away when Lexa turns her palm over, prying her fingers from their death grip on the arm of the chair and instead entwining them with Clarke’s.

The blonde can’t suppress a soft grin even as Lexa glances at her as if to check that this action is okay. She meets Lexa’s eyes, nods once, and then lets her gaze find its way back to the screen as the pilot of their show plays. She brushes her thumb across Lexa’s skin occasionally and each time she feels Lexa squeeze her palm in return. It’s nice, _so nice_ , and the blonde can’t think of one other time in her life that holding someone else’s hand has ever felt this _nice_.

Clarke knows they are supposed to go to the after party, but all it takes for the blonde to forget that even exists is Lexa pressing her lips to her ear and whispering. “Let’s go back to your place and order pizza.”

The brunette’s palm squeezes her own once before she drops it as they exit the screening room, and they have to fight their way through multiple interviews and flashing cameras before they finally make it to the curb so they are able to leave. Camera’s catch them leave together but Lexa still takes her hand again once their inside the limo, they both don’t say anything on their way back to Clarke’s apartment, but the silence is not awkward or uncomfortable in anyway.

The ride is nice outside of blaring car horns, and Clarke finds her head slumping against Lexa’s shoulder after about ten minutes, the exhaustion of the event wearing on her. Lexa doesn’t even flinch, just adjusts in her seat so Clarke is more comfortable and pulls her hand in her lap, humming a very nice low tune that sends the blonde’s eyelids fluttering as she fights sleep.

She can’t fight it and wakes up a little while later to Lexa’s soft voice in her ear. “I’ll carry you,” and she mumbles that she’s up, but pulling her eyes open is awfully hard as Lexa’s fingers filter through the side of her hair. The cold spring breeze in the air makes her shiver as their driver pulls their door open and Lexa removes her heels from her feet, adjusting so she can pull Clarke into her arms.

“Where’s your keys,” That soft voice says again and Clarke manages to open her eyes for a moment, adjusting to the brightness of her apartment building in the background as she finds her purse on the seat beside her.

She’s going to get out on her own once she has the bag securely in her lap but finds herself squeaking slightly as Lexa lifts her up almost effortlessly in her arms. She grips onto the brunette tightly, unsure of this current situation, but feels herself relax as Lexa shoots her that pretty smile of hers. “I’ve got you.” She says easily and somehow manages to tip the driver without dropping the blonde.

“You’re strong,” Clarke’s voice is croaky, low and raspy and she knows it can’t sound the best but Lexa only shrugs in reply, a soft smile on her face as she adjusts Clarke in her arms and makes her way toward the door, where the doorman opens it for them.

“I can walk,” Clarke says gently, head resting against the brunette’s collarbone as she lets her eyes drift shut slightly, feeling the girl adjust so she can hit the button to call the elevator.

“You’re sleepy,” Lexa says cutely above her and Clarke’s heart flutters lightly in her chest, twisting her stomach and making her breathe shaky. Lexa does things to her that nobody else ever could and she doesn’t at all know how that’s possible or even how to handle it. She does know that she feels safe and secure in the brunette’s arms, and for the life of her can’t think of one reason why she’d ever want to leave her embrace.

The wait for the elevator is short and eventually they’re descending up in the small space. Lexa tenses slightly and Clarke lifts her head so she can brush her fingers across Lexa’s cheek as if to comfort her yet again, smiling slightly when soft green eyes meet her own.

“I’ve got you,” Clarke repeats, her voice barely above a whispers as the elevator dings open and Lexa blinks at her in almost a astonished kind of way. Clarke relaxes again, letting her head drop back down and closing her eyes as the brunette springs back into action, quickly walking out of the elevator and down the hall toward Clarke’s apartment door, swiping Clarke’s keys from the purse in her lap and supporting Clarke against the surface as she pushes the door open.

She deposits Clarke in her room on her bed, removing her shoes before she disappears to shut the front door and lock it, though the blonde thinks she is leaving and calls out for her to come back. Lexa does, a grin shuffling across her pretty lips, touching her cheeks and her eyes as she climbs onto the bed with Clarke.

 _She is beautiful_. Clarke is too tired to help her thoughts.

“I’m going to order pizza anyways, I’m starving. You sleep.” She moves to place a gentle kiss against the corner of Clarke’s mouth but Clarke turns so her lips press to her own, and it’s soft and chaste but it still makes Clarke’s heart burn the same way it had when Lexa had first kissed her in front of the camera’s those many months ago, the same way it did when Lexa _really_ kissed her at the New Year’s party.

She probably shouldn’t kiss Lexa, it’s not doing anything for the situation that her heart is in and it’s definitely not nice to Lexa, like that Costia girl had said to her on Valentine’s Day. But she can’t help it as Lexa slowly, very slowly, pulls away from her, sucking in a deep breath and brushing her fingers through soft blonde strands of her hair.

“Goodnight, Clarke.” Lexa whispers gently, her voice shaking as Clarke’s hand reaches up and grip’s Lexa’s own as her eyes drift shut and she sighs in relief when she feels to brunette lay down beside her, her fingers tangling with hers and her touch soothing her into a peaceful unconsciousness.

 

 

Clarke wakes up around midnight with a growling stomach and the uncomfortable feeling that being alone gives her on occasion. Her eyes blink open to moonlight and she feels a grumble claw its way through her throat as she props herself up. She’s still in her dress and she can feel it pressing into her body unpleasantly as she adjusts her position.

It’s quiet in her apartment but the lights are on outside of her room and she wonders for a brief moment whether Lexa has left her or if she had stayed and is currently occupying the couch. She makes to get up to check, but as she sits up she’s aware of the brush of fingertips that briefly touch her arm and she jumps a moment before looking to her side to see the brunette, fast asleep, her fingertips twitching slightly as if she’s looking for something.

She looks so sweet and as uncomfortable in her dress as Clarke is. She doesn’t want to wake her but she wants Lexa to be comfortable, so she rolls over on her stomach until she’s very close to the brunette girl and brushes her fingers through tangled brown curls. “Lexa,” She whispers softly, watching the small knit of her eyebrows her voice causes. “Lexa, wake up, you should change.” She whispers softly but all she gets in response is a soft moan of displeasure until the girl’s fingertips are gliding across her skin again, searching for something.

She contemplates it a moment before she reaches out with her own hand and giggles slightly when Lexa’s fingers tangle with her own and stop twitching, a soft sighing leaving the brunette’s lips. She is adorable as she lays there beside Clarke, and the blonde finds herself propping herself up against a pillow so she can just watch the flutter of her eyelids and the part of her lips.

Occasionally the brunette will mumble something unintelligible in her sleep and when that happens Clarke just squeezes her fingers tighter, content with sitting against her sheets and watching the brunette girl sleep for as long as life will let her, even if her dress is starting to feel suffocating and her stomach is growling every few minutes.

It’s not until Lexa shivers, both of them lacking the cover of a blanket that Clarke decides to move again. She pries her fingers from Lexa’s tight grip, noting how they twitch in search of her and pulls herself from the bed. She pulls the heavy duvet from the bottom of the mattress because Clarke is often too lazy to make it and tugs it up around the pretty brunette girl, who sighs heavily as the blonde tucks her in.

Clarke backs up from her to check her over and smiles to herself as she sets about her room to change into something more comfortable, she washes her face and brushes her teeth before glancing down at Lexa one more time before slipping out of the room and making her way toward the kitchen. She spends a good few minutes just looking over the contents in her fridge before she sighs heavily and shuts it, rubbing her eyes as she walks over to the counter to grab at the take-out menus, knowing how her favorite pizza place is twenty-four hour delivery.

She’s looking at the contents of the menu in deep thought when she jumps to the feel of a hand pressed to her lower back; Lexa hovering beside her like she’s unsure of herself and Clarke can’t fight the smile that makes its way onto her mouth. “Hey,” She says softer than she ever says anything, and scolds herself silently for acting so obvious about her growing affections.

“I’m sorry, I fell asleep too.” She chuckles lightly with a blush surfacing across her gorgeous cheekbones. Clarke wants to reach up and trace the color but she doesn’t, instead she just admires it a second longer before letting her gaze fall back down onto the menu in front of her.

“It’s alright Lex, do you still want pizza?” The blonde asks softly, watching from her peripheral vision as Lexa nods her head from beside her.

“I’m starving,” The brunette mumbles, hand slipping from its place on the blonde’s back as she leaned against the counter alongside her. She immediately missed her touched and almost reached out herself to put the pretty brunette’s hand back, but thought better of it.

“You must be uncomfortable, go borrow something of mine.” Clarke walks back through her apartment to her room to swipe up her phone, smiling at Lexa as she points toward her closet. The brunette girl hesitates but makes her way to it anyways, glancing one more time at Clarke before sifting through the blonde’s clothing options.

Clarke makes her way back out of her room toward her menu and calls up the number, ordering something simple and hanging up once the order if confirmed. She plugs her phone in at one of the chargers she leaves in the kitchen and makes her way into the living room to turn the television on while she waits, though she finds herself fumbling with the remote when the brunette pops out of her room in a long baggy shirt and _nothing else_.

She drops the item on the floor and is aware she has to pick up her jaw with it as she leans over and grabs it, averting her gaze before she is caught and pushes the power button. Lexa makes her way to the couch to sit next to her and pulls some of the fabric of the shirt between her fingertips, pulling it out and mumbling “is this okay?” as if it were possible that Clarke wouldn’t be okay with Lexa _freaking_ Woods in her t-shirt on her couch.

“Yeah, it’s fine.” Clarke clears her throat, trying to sound composed but she knows she doesn’t. She just hopes Lexa thinks it’s because the blonde hasn’t been up long and watches as Lexa adjusts on the couch until she is slouching into the cushions slightly, her eyes drooping down slightly as she fights sleep.

Clarke thinks it’s adorable. “Are you sure you don’t want to just go back to sleep?” Clarke asks her softly, hand hesitating before it’s reaching out for the brunette’s. She’s been holding her hand all night, she doesn’t know why she keeps questioning if she should or not.

“I’m hungry,” Lexa pouts slightly and Clarke chuckles as she nods her head, sighing contently as Lexa’s fingers tangle with her own while she flips through channel after channel.

“We should just put Netflix on.” The brunette sighs softly.

“Too much work,” Clarke protests and smiles as Lexa giggles next to her.

“Okay lazy,” Her fingers fiddle with Clarke’s and the blonde can’t help the way she has to focus to keep her concentration, because Lexa touching her is always a very big distraction.

“Clarke, can I ask you something?” Lexa mumbles her eyes glued to the television when the blonde looks at her.

She lets herself focus on the structure of Lexa’s face rather than the TV she had been flipping channels through as her palm squeezes Lexa’s. “Yeah,”

“Are you worried that,” Lexa bites her lip. “On Valentine’s Day, did you think I thought it was a date, date and that’s why you left?” Lexa asks shyly, her eyes still not looking at her.

It’s kind of adorable, though the subject of Valentine’s Day is the absolutely last thing Clarke wants to talk about. Just thinking about it makes her stomach flip and twist with dread.

“No Lexa, cancelling had nothing to do with you.” Clarke lets her thumb brush across her skin. “You don’t make me uncomfortable.”

“I just worry that I do.” Lexa pulls her bottom lip between her teeth and Clarke has to look away just to will any impure thoughts that enter her brain because of the action.

“You don’t. I’m actually surprised at how comfortable I am with you.” Clarke confides easily, watching from the corner of her eye as Lexa finally turns her gaze toward her.

“If I ever do make you uncomfortable, you’d tell me right? Just tell me and I promise I’ll,”

“Lexa,” Clarke adjusts in her seat so she’s meeting Lexa’s gaze determinedly, sucking in a breath at the softness she finds in pretty green orbs. The prettiest shade of green she has ever seen in all of her life. “You don’t ever make me uncomfortable.” She brushes her fingers through tangled brown curls again and watches as Lexa unconsciously leans into the touch. “I promise and if you ever did I would tell you.” She brushes her thumb along her cheek while her other hand, still tangled with Lexa’s, squeezes her palm reassuringly.

Lexa lets out a breath. “Okay,” She mumbles her pretty eyes examining the features of Clarke’s face. “You don’t make me uncomfortable either.” Lexa tacks on with a bright smile and Clarke can’t help the one that she responds with.

“What did you think of the episode?” The blonde goes for a change in subject, since the flip of her belly and the pound of her heart is enough to bring about a different set of nerves that she’s trying to avoid acknowledging.

Lexa is her friend, a friend she’s gotten to know pretty well over the last few months and is very comfortable with. A friend that she can fall asleep with in bed and not find it weird when she wakes up unlike the first time her and Octavia fell asleep together after meeting in college. She’s a friend that can hold her hand and carry her to bed and Clarke doesn’t at all mind because being close to her is refreshing, like she’s been struggling for breath all her life and suddenly she no longer needs too.

Lexa is her friend, but at the same time she feels like so much more than that. She doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to describe it, to explain it, not to the brunette girl beside her, not to one of her other friends, not even to herself. Lexa is just special, she supposes, and she’ll have to get used to that… she’s already used to that. She’s okay with that, and Lexa seems to be okay with it too, even if they both don’t talk about how easy it is to be around each other. The simple part of their relationship, the easiness of friendship with less awkwardness and more familiarity, like they have known each other far longer than they really have, is mutual. They don’t need to say that to both know it’s true.

“It was good; I hope this works out Clarke.” Lexa isn’t staring at the television, Lexa is staring at her. The look in her eyes isn’t readable, or at least, Clarke doesn’t fully understand it as the brunette gazes upon her.

She never minds when Lexa watches her. “Me too,” The blonde says, squeezing her palm again as Lexa plays with her fingers. There’s a comfortableness that washes over her to Lexa’s touch, there’s stillness between them that’s contented and easy and Clarke doesn’t feel like she needs to fill the silence with idle chatter. She’s perfectly fine to sit in the low light of her living room with Lexa fingers dancing along her own. She’s perfectly fine with soft green eyes attached to her and soft warm smiles she knows are only reserved for those closest to the brunette girl.

After a moment of being in contented silence with Lexa, she eventually lets her eyes meet the brunette’s green ones rather than opting for the television screen, since all she really wanted to do was get lost in a deep sea of green. She slumped into the cushion so she was level with the other girl, letting her eyes fall upon Lexa’s and watched just how the action changed the look there. Before it had been something of admiration, now it was something else. Filling the space with its energy and Clarke couldn’t fight the want in her to pull Lexa very close and press their lips together again.

In fact, fighting Lexa and those gorgeous lips was becoming almost impossible, the blonde wasn’t even sure she was going to survive another day of it. She wanted to shoot across the space between them, she wanted to close it and kiss her deeply and listen to her sigh into her touches but she didn’t. She wanted a lot of things Clarke has told herself not to want. She wanted lots of things that were becoming increasingly obvious to the people around them.

Lexa’s friend Anya had told Raven of their kissing adventure on New Year’s, and now the brunette girl’s teasing was even more relentless, especially when Lexa was around. She had thought it was bad before, but it had only gotten worse. And it didn’t really matter what they said because most of it was true.

Clarke loved to be around Lexa. She daydreamed that Lexa really did want to date her; she daydreamed that it would be alright for her to try and date her. She thought about Lexa’s lips more often than she thought about most things and she knew that wasn’t platonic friend behavior, and even now, with Lexa’s eyes trained on her own, she could only think about how nice it would be, to just close the distance and kiss her so deeply that they would both forget about all the petty stuff that life causes them to think about, causes them to not act on these urges.

“You’re so pretty,” Lexa whispers into the space that is between them, the fingers of her free hand reach up to trace Clarke’s jawline and effectively taking the air from the other girl’s lungs with the soft touch.

Clarke pushes forward, shaking slightly as the other girl traces her jawline. She can feel her breathe puff up against her lips and Clarke’s eyes flutter a moment before she tries to convince herself to get it together. But she can’t. She can’t with Lexa’s mouth so close to her own, Lexa’s breathe against her skin, Lexa’s hands on her face. She can’t when she is surrounded by Lexa.

All she can think about is having more Lexa rather than convincing herself to separate from the gorgeous girl she is slowly leaning into.

Maybe Lexa would have kissed her if the pizza didn’t decide to come at that moment, maybe she would have chickened out before it happened. Maybe, maybe, maybe. All she knows is that breathing is incredibly hard when she stands to make her way to the door, but parting her hand from Lexa’s to pay for it is even harder.

 

***

 

Clarke sighs when Lexa opts to sit between her friends Anya and Costia instead of her. It’s not that strange of a decision for her to make, but for some reason Clarke still wishes she’d have at least sat down on the other side of Anya instead, so they’d only be separated by one person when the show starts, rather than a whole couch. The blonde knows she shouldn’t be focused on something so trivial, but tonight was the night their second episode airs and Anya and _Costia_ weren’t even in the show.

Costia is someone Clarke has been actively avoiding for a solid month now, which has been hard and completely irritating because Costia seems to suddenly always be wherever Lexa is, wherever the brunette goes that girl has to tag along. She hates it. The only time Clarke is with Lexa alone is when she can convince the girl to hang out at her place instead. Lexa doesn’t even seem to notice Costia’s increasing attendance to events that she used to not care about before.

“Cheer up buttercup,” Raven mumbles beside her. She smiles widely and affectionately in her very Raven like way, tossing her arm around Clarke and pulling her into her side. The contact helps to comfort the blonde but she still feels the heavy dread in her stomach every time she glances over and Costia has this look in her eye whenever she meets Clarke’s gaze, and touches Lexa in some possessive fashion like Clarke is the literal devil that she needs to protect the brunette from. It’s infuriating. She wants to stomp across the room and plop herself in Lexa’s lap, kiss her mouth and tell Costia to fuck off. But she knows she can’t do that, she knows she can’t and shouldn’t do that. She wouldn’t even have to right to do that. Costia is only looking out for Lexa; Costia has been Lexa’s friend since high school. Clarke feels as if she is probably the imposter when it comes to this situation rather than the other way around, no matter how it feels to her.

It’s still insulting however, to be looked at as if she is nothing but bad news. Lexa has never told her once that she is uncomfortable with her, hasn’t uttered a moment that she doesn’t enjoy Clarke’s presence. And until she does, Costia will just have to deal with her, and Clarke will have to deal with Costia. “Where’s Luna?” Clarke opts to say, instead of the thoughts swirling in her mind. She looks up at Raven from where she’s tucked in the girl’s side and watched her brown eyed friend only shrug, a small smirk gliding its way across her lips at the mention of her most recent hook-up.

“Kitchen I think.” Raven waves her hand as if it’s an afterthought, but Clarke knows she scoped her out.

“You guys haven’t talked since leaving together at the New Year’s party?”

“Now is not the time to bring that up.”

“I work with her Raven; you’re going to be seeing more of her.” Clarke’s eyebrows shoot up teasingly and she finds that it makes her friend only glare at the muted television in front of them.

“Well, you are unhelpful aren’t you?” Raven scowls at the screen but the tips of her lips are still quirked up in her famous Raven like smirk.

“You like her.” Clarke teases sort of loudly and giggles as Raven’s hand comes to rest over her mouth, her head spinning around to make sure the topic of their conversation wasn’t close enough to hear them. When she sees the cost is clear she slowly lowers her hand, offering Clarke her best glare but it only makes the blonde giggle more as she sits up in her seat.

“Who does Raven like?” Anya collapses in the seat next to Clarke suddenly, smiling brightly at the blonde as she pats down some of her hair that had scurried out around her face from when she had been tucked into Raven’s side.

At least Anya likes her. “Don’t you dare say it Clarke,”

“Luuuna,” Clarke whispers teasingly and Raven looks as if she’d kill her if there weren’t so many witnesses around.

“Isn’t that the girl you left with on New Year’s?” Anya asks casually, meeting Raven’s eye line. They hold each other’s gaze for a long second before Raven breaks it, blinking at the television screen with a pout surfacing across her face. Anya has her own look that Clarke can’t quite decipher, knowing the two girls have been getting along pretty well since meeting at her party months ago. She likes that Lexa’s friends are intertwined with her friends now.

“It is, but Raven won’t admit that she likes her because relationships are for the weak.” Clarke says for her and gasps when Raven hits her upside the head. “How dare you?” She squeaks, reaching up with her hand to soothe the area. It doesn’t hurt because Raven didn’t hit her hard, but she still feigns offense when her brunette friend looks at her.

“You are saying a lot of things you shouldn’t be saying.” Raven’s tone is sharp, but her eyes are light as she looks upon Clarke’s blue ones. Of course they are. She has always had a hard time being mad at the blonde, ever.

“Relationships are for the weak.” Anya says casually testing the statement on her tongue, leaning back in her seat and grinning as the television is unmuted.

“You know what Octavia would say right now?” Clarke starts to giggle at just the thought of her over-bubbly friend, who liked to look at things in a more positive light.

“I hate all three of you?” Raven offers with a raise of her eyebrow.

“It’s okay, we’ll corrupt her too.” Clarke says with a determined nod, though she knows the statement is empty. Octavia isn’t a casual kind of girl. She liked relationships and thought her friends were ridiculous for their decisions not to date. Octavia could never see anything wrong with falling in love. Clarke and Raven never shared the same view however, often avoiding the topic all together.

“You don’t seem like the type of girl that thinks that way, Clarke.” Anya has raised one of her own perfect eyebrows with her question and Clarke can’t explain why she suddenly feels embarrassed by the prospect of Anya knowing that she isn’t the relationship kind of girl. She looks at her with speculation, as if she’s trying to contemplate something over in her head but the blonde has no idea what it could be.

Raven snorts. “Oh does she ever.” And suddenly it’s Clarke that’s now the one embarrassed.

“Shut up,” Clarke rolls her eyes and winces as the volume is shot up from its original setting on the television, signaling the episodes close arrival.

“It’s gonna start!” Lincoln shouted from behind the couch, which in turn made all three of the girl’s occupying the left side of the large sofa wince at the loud rise of his voice.

“I’m excited for you.” Raven says eagerly in her seat as a happy Octavia comes bouncing into the room.

“Move Anya, my best friend is about to be on screen,” Octavia squeezes herself between the taller girl, whom only rolls her eyes and scoots back over to her previous seat.

Clarke glances over again to see if she can catch Lexa’s gaze but feels her breathe catch in her throat when she sees the brunette has already been staring at her. She expects Lexa to look away as she has been doing recently, but instead she just offers Clarke her very pretty smile and tilts her eyebrow up as if to ask her some kind of silent question.

Clarke thinks she gets what she is trying to ask even though she says nothing at all, even across the room in the sudden darkness with only the glow of the television on them. She’s asking Clarke if she’s ready and Clarke only nods, her eyes sparkling slightly as she takes in the girl’s grin.

She wishes Lexa was next to her so that they could share the viewing of episode two in much the same way they shared the viewing of the pilot; with entwined fingertips and low whispers in each other’s ear about silly little details.

Time seems to pass slowly by; the show is interesting enough, gaining everyone’s undivided attention within Lincoln’s living room. But Clarke has always found it kind of weird to watch herself on screen, so she doesn’t, most of the night, unless Lexa is on screen, she’s watching everyone else from the corner of her eye, watching Lexa across the couch who’s own eyes glue to her phone for most of the show.

 

 

“What’s wrong?” Lexa asks, popping through the kitchen entryway to break Clarke’s concentration that she had thoroughly had on the water pouring out of the faucet, staining itself against the silver sink. She had watched Clarke wander into the kitchen alone with her empty glass, but she had also noticed that she seemed a bit off. In fact, most of the night she had seemed off, averting her gaze, avoiding her it almost felt like. She thought maybe she had done something to cross a boundary, but if she had surely Clarke would have told her after their talk on the couch last week.

Perhaps it’s not about her at all, perhaps it’s something else, and that’s what led her to follow the pretty blonde girl into the secluded kitchen. Everyone was excitedly chatting in the other room but Clarke didn’t seem interested in any of their conversation. She seemed so lost in her thoughts; she even jumped slightly upon Lexa’s entrance, but immediately relaxed upon meeting her green gaze.

She shrugs her shoulders as a reply before tacking on a “Nothing,” in a soft tone that for some reason makes Lexa’s heart clench tightly in her chest. If there is something wrong, she wants to be the one to fix it. It’s a new feeling, something Lexa’s not used too. For some reason the thought of Clarke in distress almost equals a nightmare. She wants to fix it.

“Nothing my butt Griffin,” Lexa leans against the counter beside her, reaching over and switching the faucet off so the water stops running. Clarke’s eyes follow the action, attaching to her fingers like they’re the most fascinating thing out of this whole situation which isn’t at all unusual for her. Lexa is still unsure why Clarke is so fascinated by her hands. “You’ve been staring at that for three minutes; your glass is thoroughly cleaned out.” The brunette teased lightly, but her smile seemed to drop when she realized Clarke wasn’t returning her light heartedness. She was deep in thought and looked upset and Lexa was going to fix it. “Tell me what’s wrong, Clarke,” She encourages. She wants to reach out and tangle their fingers together much in the same fashion they’ve been sharing recently but she isn’t sure what’s upsetting her friend, and she figures its best she tries to find out before she makes any moves towards physical contact. Sometimes Clarke was really hard to read.

“Nothing, it’s just.” The blonde’s fingers shuffle through her hair as she turns her body toward Lexa, facing her and locking her with that pretty distressed gaze. There’s a small knit to her eyebrows that she often gets when she seems to contemplate the thoughts in her head. Lexa wants to reach out and smooth the brows with her thumb, to soothe her somehow but she doesn’t act upon that urge.

“You can tell me, I’ll just listen if that’s what you want.” Lexa places her hand on the counter beside Clarke, but still doesn’t make contact with her, no matter how much she desires too.

Clarke sighs heavily. “I’m just nervous about,” The blonde’s fingers shuffle through her hair again. “What if I don’t do a good job representing,” Clarke trails off as she releases another soft huff of frustration. “I know how important this role is Lexa; I don’t want to mess it up.”

“Oh sweetie,” Lexa steps forward into her space, brushing her fingertips through Clarke’s soft blonde hair for her now, smoothing out the tangles, silently basking in the smoothness, in the delight that surfaces through her when Clarke leans into her touch. “You’re doing fine,” She mumbles quietly, brushing her thumb along the blonde’s pretty cheekbones gently.

“What if I disappoint everyone, my fans, you’re fans, my mom.”

“Hey, listen to me.” Lexa cups Clarke’s face in her hands and watches the flutter of her eyelids before she’s drowning in the soft blue that always reminds her of the bright sky. “You’re not disappointing anyone. You’re doing great, and what did I promise you? I said I would always help if you aren’t sure about something.” She continues to brush her thumbs along Clarke’s cheekbones, she can see how the action visibly relaxes the girl in front of her, and can’t stop the soft affectionate smile attaching itself to her lips. “You’re good enough for this, I believe in you.” She says quietly, leaning her forehead against Clarke’s and admiring the soft smile that runs across the blonde’s lips.

They part as if she’s about to say something, “Interrupting something?” Costia mutters, forcing the two girls to jump apart like they had been doing something wrong. But of course they hadn’t, Lexa knows she hadn’t been doing anything wrong at all. She had been comforting her friend. But it still felt like a very private moment had suddenly been interrupted and that got on her nerves to no end. She wanted to focus on Clarke, fix Clarke’s worry, soothe her stress but now here they were, being interrupted rudely because Costia had something against the soft blond girl beside her.

“Kind of,” She snaps a bit harshly noticing the way Clarke’s gaze shoots down to her shoes as the silence slips its way inside the room.

“Better get back out there,” The blonde mumbles after a moment, she gives Lexa a soft grin that doesn’t touch her eyes before escaping past Costia, not even looking at her. The behavior is suspicious and it causes a frown to surface along Lexa’s face because Clarke is obviously uncomfortable around Costia and Lexa has no idea why.

“When will you stop letting her lead you on?” Costia’s teeth grind in the very way they do when she’s frustrated, a reaction Lexa is not used to being on the receiving end. Her voice is snappy and cold and Lexa finds that this only further irks on her nerves over her many other emotions.

“She’s not, what the hell is your problem?” Lexa can hear the harshness in her tone and she tries to think of ways to calm it down, she knows she gets explosive, but Costia had been acting weird, and her snide comments about Clarke were starting to really irritate the brunette’s nerves, which apparently she didn’t have many to irritate in this moment.

“She is Lexa, and I’m tired of seeing you falling to your knees for her at every second.” Costia is being a brat, plain and simple and Lexa doesn’t need the lecture.

“She’s my friend Costia.” The slightly taller girl snaps, her tone verging on the level of dangerous. It makes the dark blue eyed girl blink a moment, stunned to be on the receiving end of her tone. “She’s my friend and she’s not going anywhere, so either you need to learn how to get over whatever it is you’re hung up on, or you need to at least learn to tolerate her and treat her with respect when she’s around.” Lexa steps forward, but it’s not in a comforting fashion. “I don’t know what’s gotten into to you lately, but I don’t like it.” Lexa walks past Costia, but the girl grabs her wrist gently before she can dramatically exit the room as planned.

She looks at her with that same expression she’s been giving her lately that Lexa doesn’t know what means and she can’t ask because that does no good. Costia never tells her when she does. Maybe even Costia doesn’t even know what it means, even though she’s the one giving it to her. “I’m sorry; I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” She says gently, her eyes are soft and sweet and for a moment, Lexa feels the guilt of snapping at her surface through her because Lexa hates upsetting her friends.

“Okay,” the brunette offers gently. “I can take care of myself.” She bids Costia a soft smile that grows slightly when the girl nods at her, releasing her wrist. “Thanks for looking out for me Cos,” She tacks on, feeling the slight sting of guilt at snapping at her ease away with her last words.

Costia nods, blinking a few times before Lexa exits the room.

 

***

“So you going out with Raven now?” Lexa wiggles her eyebrows, pulling herself up on Anya’s counter as the other girl sifts through her mail. This past week had been slow, really, really slow. Clarke was busy with promoting some movie she had been working on before they had begun shooting for the show, so she wasn’t around much and Costia had started avoiding her, impressively actually. It’s amazing how she can go from suffocating Lexa with her presence to actively ignoring her in a matter of days.

Anya stops a moment, a raise of her own perfect angelic eyebrow as she looks up upon Lexa with those far too serious eyes of hers, but their pretty and there’s no anger or warning in them that tells Lexa she has said something wrong. “Why do you say it like that?” The older girl grumbles before focusing back on the envelopes in her hand, she had quite a few due to being swamped with her own work and not checking her mail in a few days. This was the first Lexa was hanging out with her since the viewing party Lincoln has set up last Wednesday.

“Like what?” Lexa feigns innocence.

“Going out with, we’re friends Lexa, I don’t really like her like that, and she’s kind of irritating and loud.” Anya tries to play it off but Lexa knows her too well. She likes that girl, whether she admits it or not, Lexa doesn’t need to hear her say it to know the truth. Kind of the way Anya just knows how Lexa feels about Clarke. No words about it need to actually be exchanged, they can both deny it all they want, but they still know the truth. They’ve known each other entirely too long to be able to hide anything from each other.

“But you like her enough to go on lunch dates.” Lexa teased further, swinging her legs almost childishly.

“They aren’t dates Lexa.” Anya says levelly, not even offering her a glance. Of course her friend would act above this conversation. She doesn’t like conversations of the heart as much as Lexa does, but it doesn’t stop either one of them from teasing each other about their feelings whenever they develop them.

“You just spent an hour in the bathroom doing your hair.” Lexa reasons playfully, watching her friend grunt in frustration at her uttered words. It doesn’t faze her, only causing a puff of laughter to rise up from her chest.

“It’s not like that. Besides even if it was, she’s kind of seeing someone else.”

Lexa’s eyebrows rise at this information and the change in her friends tone. She sounds utterly and thoroughly disappointed at the spoken fact. “Oh, who?” The brunette questions softly, seeing the way the knowledge makes Anya shift uncomfortably on her feet as she glares daggers at the envelopes in her hands.

“Luna,” The older girl shrugs but Lexa has known the girl long enough to know when something bothers her, and she is bothered by this. She’s very bothered by this, no matter how she’s adjusting her stance to try and hide her discomfort.

“Are they serious?” The brunette tries to ask in the most casual of a tone as she can, swinging her legs back and forth from her place atop the counter further, until Anya reaches over to stop the movement with an annoyed glance in her direction.

Anya’s hands leave her once Lexa’s legs stop. “Don’t know,” She shrugs, still trying to pretend she doesn’t care too much. “Clarke says she likes her.” She breathes out with a soft huff, tapping one envelope on the counter as she examines the same words over and over on another.

Lexa perks up at the sound of the blonde’s name being said, a habit she hasn’t been able to break since meeting her. “Clarke says?” She questions curiously, trying not to sound obvious at the sudden increase in interests where the blonde was concerned. But she knew she was obvious, at least to Anya she was.

“Yes, the blonde love of your life, Clarke Griffin is sure that her best friend likes her, can we drop this?” Anya releases another grunt of frustration, dropping the envelopes that she obviously wasn’t paying very much attention to and exiting the kitchen making her question more rhetorical rather than requiring an actual answer. She’s tired of being pressed.

Lexa sighs and jumps off the counter to chase after her. “She’s not the love of my life, but I’ll let that statement slide this time because I was just teasing you.” Lexa says begrudgingly, flopping onto the couch as Anya moves through the living room in search of her phone.

“Do you know what’s wrong with Cos?” She asks once she swipes it up, unlocking it to scroll through it with pretty knitted eyebrows.

The subject of Costia just makes Lexa sigh heavily. “No, she won’t talk to me.” She only shrugs, feeling the very moment Anya’s eyes attach to her even though she has found sudden interest in the patter of the wall behind the television screen. “She doesn’t like Clarke; she thinks I’m being led on or something.” She waves it off, unpleasantness surfacing through her at just that thought.

“Led on?” Anya contemplates it briefly. She looks as if she’s going over files and files of information in her head, examining Lexa and then examining those files to see if they’d match. And then she’s smirking and Lexa knows Anya has some kind of information that she’s going to tease her with. “Maybe not, Raven told me an interesting story about your favorite blonde.” She wiggles her eyebrows as Lexa’s own tilts up in question.

“Oh?” She perks up and Anya can’t even stop the chuckle that escapes her.

“It’s probably not my place to say, but apparently little Griffin might not be as straight as you think she is.” She chuckles as both of Lexa’s eyebrows shoot up in wonder at that kind of statement.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, Lexie Lex that Clarkey and Raven have slept together, and I don’t mean the falling asleep during a sleepover after braiding each other’s hair kind of sleep together.” It was Anya’s turn to wiggle her own eyebrows again, teasing and light and playful. She had facts that greatly interested Lexa, and she knew it.

“Raven told you this?” Lexa seems to file the information in her head, circling it around in her brain as she thinks over the many possibilities that this story could mean. It doesn’t mean that Clarke Griffin is actually available to her, because she isn’t. Clarke Griffin, gay or not gay, is still unattainable. She’s working with her now, and if they get that season two, which they should find out too, she’ll be working with her a lot more and on a greater intimate scale. She has to keep things platonic and professional, no matter how difficult that might be.

“Yep, in confidence though, so don’t go confronting the blondie about it just yet and rat me out.” Anya sighs as she drops into the seat beside Lexa, a heaviness to her that shows the day and her work has worn greatly on her attitude.

Lexa can’t help the sudden pout that crosses her features. She knows it’s childish and she knows she has no right to think it, but she and Clarke have gotten so close. They’ve shared so many stories, so many secrets that they haven’t really shared with anyone else. Why has Clarke kept this one from her? “I wonder why she hasn’t told me about that.” She’s crossing her arms along her chest as she contemplates this new information and tries to discover why Clarke wouldn’t trust her with it. Even if it really means nothing at all, even if it was just some drunken mistake she had made, that surely isn’t a bad thing to tell her good friend. Especially when they’ve both hashed over many embarrassing intimate stories with each other, diving for the information and requesting new ones after one story finished. What was so different about this one that Clarke couldn’t tell her?

“Maybe because she wants to sleep with you too.” Anya tests lightly, her tone teasing and obstructive in all the ways that it can be unhelpful.

“If that were true she would have told me,” Lexa reasons clearly. Clarke doesn’t want to sleep with her, that’s the last reason. Clarke is probably not even the slightest bit into her, even if she does like girls in anyway; there isn’t any way that Lexa is her type. Clarke was stunning, like an angel or a goddess of some kind of mythical universe and Lexa… she was just Lexa. Clarke was way out of her league.

“Not necessarily.” Anya looks at her. “Maybe her feelings for you kind of scare her.” She tries to reason with the brunette but Lexa just shakes that idea off, waving her hand in the air as if she can visibly swat it like a fly.

“Don’t be silly,” Lexa huffs. “We’re friends. That comes first.” The brunette releases a heavy sigh as she says it, as if she’s cursed to eternity to friendship. She wouldn’t mind that though, just being a part of Clarke’s life is honestly enough for her. She’s done nothing but brighten up the dark corners of her life in the small amount of time that Lexa has known her, and she does have a lot of dark corners.

“So you’re not gonna try and press it?”

“Of course not. If Clarke wants to tell me she will. That’s up to Clarke. She’s my friend and I won’t ever pressure her.” Lexa releases another soft sigh and scoots so she can rest her head on her friends shoulder.

“Lexa,” Anya looks down at her from their current position. “I agree, but can you put up some walls. I know you’ve never had a straight girl crush before, or at least a crush on a girl questioning or whatever Clarke is, but it sucks, it really sucks and it only hurts.” Her voice is full of sincerity and experience and Lexa can’t find it in herself to be mad at her even though she’s receiving yet another lecture.

She’s actually shocked that she’s having to fight so hard for her and Clarke’s friendship. She never imagined she would. “You and Cos are relentless.” She releases a heavy sigh at that, not lifting her head from her position on Anya’s shoulder.

“I like Clarke; I think she’s good for you. You’ve opened up more and made lots of new friends because of her and she’s so kind, but I still think you should be careful.” Anya placed a comforting hand on her friend’s thigh, squeezing slightly to had the physical effect of comfort. Lexa only nods against her.

She let out a soft sigh in response before assuring with a soft, “I promise I’m fine.” To her friend, placing her palm on top of Anya’s hand that’s placed so gently on her thigh.

“Of course you are.”

 

***

 

“We got a season two!” Is how Clarke greets Lexa when she pops through the heavy doors of the meeting room, jumping into her arms and pulling her as close as she can get her. “We got a full season two Lexa!” She giggles excitedly as the brunette girl smiles widely, wrapping her arms tightly around her blonde friend and taking in her scent. She had been late to the meeting that was called but that wasn’t entirely on her, the producers had called in the meeting only an hour ago with no planning beforehand and Lexa had been at a photo shoot for Vogue, plus traffic during the time of day that it was is nearly impossible to get through quickly.

“That’s great!” Lexa smiles into the embrace, feeling warm and secure as Clarke’s arms squeeze around her neck and pull her as close as she can possibly get her. Perhaps this is what Anya was talking about when she told her to be careful, but she figures there is no way to be careful from something like this, from Clarke’s touches that make her feel safe and adored, from Clarke’s smell that is probably quickly becoming Lexa’s favorite. There’s no being careful to this growing affection inside of her chest, she’s stuck with it, there’s no stopping it. It only seems to get worse with each passing day. Lexa is sure at this point that it doesn’t matter what kind of precautions she took, her feelings for Clarke would manage to break every last wall. Clarke had a power over her that was just indescribable.

“Where’s my sensual hug?” Luna jokes light heartedly beside them as she gathered up her purse on the side of her shoulder. Lexa didn’t mind Luna, not much anyway, she was nice and friendly and very pretty, but Anya didn’t really take well to her. Though Lexa was sure that had to do with many other things other than Luna. Clarke squeals as the sound of her voice envelopes them, breaking apart from Lexa because she’s obviously filled with excitement and hugging Luna next, but the contact is brief and fast before she’s parting from her and jumping into Lincoln’s arms as well who’s releasing his own throaty and deep chuckle of excitement.

It’s a good time to be excited. This was good, this was really good. They now had a season two so they can explore the many ideas they had for this show, a season two for Lexa to jump into and maybe write some scenes for. She had a bigger say already and to know this project was going to work was something that set her heart into a steady happy beat of her own excitement. “We should celebrate.” Lincoln announces loudly into the room, breaking Lexa from her thoughts.

“Let’s go to Grounders, they’ve got half off drinks tonight.” Luna says enthusiastically as she advances on the door. Lexa can admit that she’s excited enough to celebrate too, even if she might not drink so much as the others may. It’s going to be a lot of work, but she can’t help the way she’s suddenly feeling so grateful for the opportunity.

Her own smile is hard to fight as a soft “Sounds good.” Leaves her lips, earning her a smile from the others in the room. They exit quickly, talking excitedly about their future, but Clarke stops by the door with blushing cheeks and light eyes.

A soft, “Wait, Lexa,” leaving her pretty lips as she gently tugs on Lexa’s upper arm to pull her off to the side before she follows everyone out of the door.

“What’s up?” She can’t help the way it comes out, so soft and endearing and excited. She gets to work with everyone still, with Clarke. She gets to kiss Clarke for TV and even though that should make her nervous, she knows she won’t really get to kiss Clarke at any other time. She knows she shouldn’t be excited about the prospect of getting to kiss Clarke in a professional sense, but she is excited. She’s really, really excited and can’t help how her eyes are attaching to pretty pink lips as they part to speak.

“We have a season two,” Clarke’s fingers flex against Lexa’s upper arm. “I was wondering if we could talk later, about what that means for our characters.” Lexa is probably imaging the low turn of Clarke’s voice, the soft glint in her eyes that implies something else. She’s probably imagining that part, but imagining it or not, her body still responds to it. Leaning into Clarke’s touch a little too closely, stealing breath from her lungs audibly enough that Clarke can hear it and turning pale skin blush pink in front of pretty blue eyes.

“Of course,” Lexa tries offering her friendliest smile but she knows it comes out a bit flirty itself, a little too gentle and indulgent as Clarke’s orbs drop to her plump lips to examine it. Lexa thinks she won’t survive a night of a drunken Clarke without doing something silly and she hopes the blonde doesn’t drink as much as she did on New Year’s tonight, if only to hope that she doesn’t torture Lexa’s with her sexiness and physically affectionate behavior. “I’m here to help, but you’re going to do great.” She lets her own hand reach out to Clarke’s hip, pressing softly as if to comfort her but she can feel the contact as if it were fire, lighting her up and making her think and want things she’s not allowed to think or want.

“Thanks Lexa, honestly, I would be a mess without you.” The giant beautiful grin of Clarke’s is all across blushing pretty cheeks and it’s in moments like these that Lexa wishes she could just lean over and capture her mouth, capture her smile and memorize the feel of it against her own. How beautiful would it be to feel her smile against her lips?

“Best on-screen girlfriend around.” Lexa winks flirtatiously, noting the small blush that surfaces across pretty cheekbones and pale skin, following the action with her eyes in a very unsubtle manor. She should stop, she’s being so obvious and Clarke is so close to her. Why can’t she manage to hide anything from this girl that smiles widely and brightens up her life like sun does when it’s peeking through the clouds of a gray and rainy day?

“Eventual on-screen girlfriend,” She manages to tease back, though her cheeks are still tinted a bright red as she leans enticingly forward, breathe brushing across Lexa’s skin in a way that makes the brunette shiver. And how is she supposed to fight that? How is she supposed to deny herself of moving closer when Clarke is so addictive in her movements?

“Let’s go celebrate, worry about what a season two means later.” Lexa says breathlessly, watching as Clarke’s own eyes dilate in front of her. There is no low light in this room, but Lexa still shuffles through her brain to try and find some kind of excuse for it.

“Yeah, definitely.” Parted lips mutter, a sliver of tension tight in the very small space left between them. Clarke seems to break the daze however, gripping Lexa’s hand and tugging her out the door so they can catch up with the others.

Lexa wonders if she’s going to survive much longer of this.

 

Clarke had a hard time focusing, with her fogged up thoughts and Lexa’s hips grinding into her own. She learned a while ago that getting drunk around the girl was a bad idea, but here she was again, wasted and by god so was pretty Lexa who’s fingers wouldn’t leave her hair. And it felt so nice that Clarke could honestly care less about how much she tugged on it, or how much she messed it up.

She doesn’t know why she doesn’t dance with Lexa all the time because they move so marvelously together. They’re in perfect sync down to heart beats that move a little too fast in their chests, and of course Clarke only knows how fast Lexa’s heart beat is going because Lexa’s back is pressed to her front, they are flush against each other, there is no escaping Lexa, and Clarke would be damned if she even wanted too. She smelled so good, like flowers and Clarke couldn’t help the way she breathed her in, her nose running across the skin of her neck to take in her scent and fall into the shivers she can feel smooth their way down the girl’s spine.

God she is beautiful, so beautiful. Nothing compares to her, nothing at all, not all the prettiest things in the world, Lexa is number one, from her fingertips to the sounds she makes when she sleeps. She is the most beautiful thing in this world, that’s something that Clarke is absolutely sure of at this point. She is the most beautiful thing in the world and she is dancing with her, against her, in sync with her.

By god do they move well together. They are so lost in each other that the entire world seems to fade away from around them. It’s only them, drunk and locked in their embrace on this dance floor. Clarke’s hands are bold as they shuffle under Lexa’s shirt to brush across soft skin, her own shiver aching its way through her as her heartbeat picks up and her want swallows her whole. Her want to see Lexa, to kiss Lexa, to hold Lexa, to brush her fingertips down every contour of Lexa’s body, reading and memorizing until she can never forget.

And the way Lexa’s breathe catches when Clarke’s fingers drag across her stomach, feeling the skin, feeling the goose-bumps that greet her fingertips. Lexa is beautiful and Clarke is touching her and Lexa melts to her, putty to her fingertips at each drag of her hand. She is putty too, to everything Lexa does. She is a magnet to her beauty, her softness, her laugh, her gentleness. Clarke is kidding herself if she thinks that something like this goes away with time. The only thing time has managed to do for her is make it worse, make her worse.

She doesn’t understand it, she’s never felt this way before, no one has ever brought this kind of reaction to seep from her body, to pour from her thoughts, before and it’s frightening. But she can’t be scared with clouded judgments and soft skin on her fingertips. She can’t feel fear when Lexa turns in her arms, pulling their bodies closer, looking at her with those pretty green eyes almost swallowed by the blackness in them.

That look on her face swiping all the air from Clarke’s lungs as they move together, molded to dance as close as possible, to never part from this position. It is equivalent to heaven to be in her arms, to be enraptured by her beauty. And she has Lexa’s undivided attention, that’s something Clarke can’t deny as those pretty eyes bore into her own. As those lovely hands tug at the back of her neck so their breath can mingle together in the sliver of space left between their mouths, the sliver of space that Clarke desperately wishes didn’t exist. Even if she had promised herself she’d never kiss a girl after Raven again, she’s already broken that promise. Why not continue to break it?

Who better to break it with then Lexa?

There is no one to break them apart this time, no interruptions besides loud music and people pushing into them who are as equally smashed. No one cares to witness how close they are, how easy it would be for Clarke to close the distance, the minimal, tiny amount of distance. And how tempting that is when Lexa looks at her like that, how tempting it is when Lexa is in her space just begging to be kissed by her.

But how many kisses can Clarke get away with before she hurts her? How many kisses can Clarke escape with before someone catches on, before Lexa asks her to talk about them, before she has to decide what these wants and desires mean for her, what they do to her reputation, how they will shape it, change it, mold it. How many kisses before Clarke has to accept who she is?

“Lexa,” And she doesn’t say it loud enough for the girl to hear it, but she is so close that she can feel her name spoken against the hands on her neck, she can see the shape of it form on her lips and that look she gives her when she follows the movement makes Clarke’s strength waver, because how is it possible resist Lexa when she’s begging to be kissed?

But Clarke, drunk or not drunk, cannot keep giving in. There’s something about the idea of giving in that doesn’t scare her, it doesn’t turn her stomach with dread or increase her stress. All it sounds is enticing, a life worth living. But she can’t no matter how lovely of an idea it may be, how soft those lips are when they’re against her own, how nice Lexa tastes especially when she kisses her first.

Friends don’t kiss their friends. Friends don’t want to kiss their friends. Friends don’t feel like Clarke feels for Lexa and the blonde no longer has any idea how she can fix this, fix herself from falling of an edge and not being able to find her way back up the cliff. Even if that cliff is the most enticing and beautiful thing she has ever seen in her life, felt against her hands.

She _can’t_. But that word is starting to fade, like it no longer exist in a situation like this. Even just thinking it is becoming almost impossible, and Clarke wonders if she could even say it out loud if she wanted too. “Don’t kiss me,” feels bitter, feels wrong as it falls from her lips, even if she says it in a tone that means the opposite, because she thinks the opposite, oh, how much she doesn’t mean what she says.

“I want too.” She can actually hear her say, can feel the words as they rush through her, feel the vibrations against her like she had spoken them herself. Maybe she had, it’s really hard to tell when Lexa’s biting her lips so lightly and all Clarke wants is to dip her head and take it between her teeth.

“Don’t,” It’s wrong, she doesn’t mean it but Lexa listens because of course she would. Even drunk Lexa is respectful, nodding her head as she pulls Clarke closer, not kissing her like the blonde has requested… Not kissing her no matter how desperately they both feel like they need it. No matter how nice it would be to lose themselves in the feelings of each other.

_Why can’t she?_

The reasons to not are fading faster than Clarke can hang onto them. Fading with the beat of the music surrounding them that Clarke and Lexa fall victim too while they stay tangled together on the dance floor. Why can’t she?

And Lexa, who is so strong and has such a commanding presence, is so soft for her, so delicate and sweet. Lexa, whose walls are built so incredibly high for everyone else, holds them down for Clarke, trusting her with her gentleness and why can’t Clarke kiss her because the reasons, all the reasons not too, don’t make sense anymore.

_“Why?”_

And Clarke doesn’t realize she’s said that out loud until Lexa is looking at her like that again, with those eyes so consumed by blackness, a thin line of green surrounding it. Those eyes are so hungry for anything that Clarke will give her, and then Lexa is gripping her hand and tugging her off the dance floor and Clarke doesn’t know where the hell they’re going but she’d follow Lexa anywhere. She’d follow Lexa all over the world and to every destination in the universe; she’s enamored with just the idea of being near her, still consumed with her want.

And then she’s against a wall, who knows which one, but a wall and Lexa is there, trapping her and breathing against her skin and _why?_

Why can’t they kiss when it feels this good to be so close, why can’t they kiss when it’s all Clarke thinks about throughout her days since meeting her? _Why, why, why?_

“Tell me again,” Lexa’s voice is low in her ear and Clarke can feel her eyelids flutter at the tickle of her breathe, her own hands tangling in Lexa’s hair as if to anchor herself to the ground, like she could possibly float away if she wasn’t holding onto her.

“What?” Clarke’s own voice is something else, something so different from anything she’s ever heard from herself before, so full of desire and want and some kind of need that she never thought she’d feel, or even knew she could feel in her life.

“Tell me again not to kiss you.” Lexa’s hands press against the wall behind her, her head laying against Clarke’s shoulder. She is choked up, requesting, but Clarke can’t say it again because she doesn’t know why. Why can’t they?

She can’t remember the things she had thought up before, the excuses she had made, they have all faded into the black abyss of her drunken head, washed away by her desire to have Lexa as close as she can get her, to memorize her touch and taste so she can relive them until her last days.

“I can’t.” She admits, feeling a shift in Lexa’s tense posture, feeling her rise from her shoulder with that sexy fucking look on her face and she can’t remember any good reason at all, not one that should keep her from kissing this girl senseless, until her own lungs burst because she can’t breathe.

There isn’t a good enough reason to ever keep her from Lexa, and that’s the last thing she thinks before she’s tugging the girl close and pressing her lips against the brunette’s soft plump ones, taking that bottom lip between her teeth like she had wanted to do earlier, and the sound that Lexa makes is _everything_. It’s everything that Clarke knows is worth living for because those beautiful hands are back on her body at her hips, gripping so tightly Clarke’s knees might give out.

And she is drowning in senses as Lexa’s tongue licks into her mouth and how could she not be, because Lexa’s tongue against her own is as heavenly as Lexa herself. There’s no stopping the noise that leaves her throat as their tongues brush together, the smooth of the muscle against her own makes her body shake and that fire in her belly ignites with ferocity.

Oh, how her hands shake as she tries to pull Lexa closer, but they are already pressed against each other, heart beats pounding in each other’s chests, right against each other, just like this. Lexa is lifting her against the wall and there’s another noise that leaves her before she can even contemplate it as she’s pressed harder against the wall and Lexa’s kissing her harder, deeper than she remembers ever kissing anyone.

It feels _nice_ , so fucking nice, why was she not doing this before?

She can’t think of any reasons for anything as she parts from Lexa for only a moment, to suck in a deep breath before she’s turning her head to switch the angle, brushing her nose across Lexa’s in such a gentle way that is so them and capturing that delicate mouth against her own again, lapping her own tongue in Lexa’s mouth to explore her, to take in the taste of some fruity alcoholic drink on her tongue and mint and something else… something so Lexa.

Clarke has never tasted anything better than Lexa.

 

***

 

“Can you open the door?” Clarke’s hand comes down hard on the surface, waiting out in a cold hallway that smells gross isn’t exactly her favorite place to be, and her thoughts need to finally escape her mouth to someone who may take her seriously. To someone who won’t laugh or brush it off because she doesn’t know what to do with it anymore.

The door swings open, her brown eyed friend in nothing but a towel sporting a rather cold glare across her face, but Clarke doesn’t care, she just barges past her before she can even give her permission to come in. “Yes Clarke, please enter my home after you rudely interrupted my shower by pounding on my door for ten minutes.” Raven’s voice drips with sarcasm as she swings the door shut behind the blonde.

“Shut up,” Clarke’s purse drops on the floor as she picks up a fast pace, moving back and forth in front of the coffee table in the living room. She doesn’t fight the level of anxiety rising in her chest, and doesn’t try to hide it from the one person she knows she could never hide it from anyway.

Raven sighs, examines her friends who’s in heavy distress and flips the lock on her door before turning toward Clarke to provide her with her undivided attention. But Clarke barely notices that she’s stepped closer, let alone is looking at her. “Okay Griffin, what’s got you acting like a crazy person?” Her hands swing out in a gesture to go with her words. That’s Raven, always talking with her hands.

“Lexa,” and the statement is simple, sputtered out of her mouth before she can stop it. The name said so delicately and affectionately because she can’t stop herself, but also worded with so much stress, so much confusion and emotion because again, she can’t stop herself. This crush isn’t going away and if it doesn’t go away and she can’t make it go away what does she do with it? She can’t pursue it, even though she doesn’t quite know how she’d even go about pursuing it.

“Did she do something to you?” Raven sounds concerned as she makes her way further into her designated living area, tightening the towel around herself so she knows it won’t fall as she steps closer to her friend.

Clarke stops pacing long enough to look at her Raven, she knows her expression isn’t exactly giving anything away, but she wishes that it would. She wishes she didn’t have to say this out loud, she wishes she didn’t have to face it like this but she does. She’s left with no option. She doesn’t know what to do with herself and she doesn’t understand why things have to be this complicated.

“I like her so much.” It’s almost a whine, a protest against her heart as it pounds in her chest unevenly at just the thought of the beautiful brunette girl causing her such inconvenience, causing her such stress in a time that she should be stress free. The show got renewed for a full season two, the cast is all kind and cooperative, the producers don’t have egos, they have a reasonable schedule for shooting, Lexa is so helpful and a great friend. She should be fine, but Lexa… she likes Lexa so much.

“Oh Clarke,” Raven crosses the space between them quickly, closing it and pulling Clarke into her, her hands resting in her hair as Clarke melts into the embrace and allows herself to let some of the stress go, soothed by her friend’s attention. She should have gone to Raven with this, ages ago, Raven knows exactly what to do and how to help her. “It’s going to be okay.” Raven mutters in her ear and Clarke nods her head, because of course Raven understands, of course Raven gets it. This is just what she needed, she needed someone to listen to her, to comprehend her, she should have come to Raven with this first thing, but for some reason she never did.

Clarke mutters, “I don’t know what to do.” her voice cracking as she does so. She can’t stop the buildup of emotions that she’s been fending off for months now. They’ve festered and Clarke’s been fighting the stress of her job and now this. It’s just too much.

“I know sweetie,” Raven coos slightly, and it’s sweet and everything Clarke needs right now, to calm her down. “You want to talk about it?” Raven’s fingers still brush against the back of Clarke’s head, through her long tangled blonde strands of hair; Clarke’s face is tucked in her neck as she nods and she is surrounded by the smell of the girl’s shampoo and washed over by the comfort of her. “Let me put some clothes on okay, you sit down, I’ll be right back and then we can talk.” But despite the instructions given Clarke does not release her tight grip around the girl’s waist, keeping herself buried in her embrace.

Raven doesn’t let her go either, just waiting until Clarke is ready for the distance. She soothes her friend with touches to her hair and a soft sway to their hug and after a few moments Clarke pulls herself from Raven’s grip, taking in a deep breath as she sits down on the couch, but Raven doesn’t leave until Clarke gives her the nod that she’ll be okay to wait for her.

She cradles her head in her hands, thoughts roaming over her _,_ all the things she had kept trying desperately to deny herself. Everything was getting harder, she had no idea how complicated this could get for her, for Lexa. She kept kissing her even after she told herself she’d stop. She kept touching her, even after she told herself they need distance because Clarke is at the mercy of her skin. She keeps giving in to the want inside her head and she doesn’t think she can stop; she’s almost powerless to it.

She’s jarred from her thoughts when her brown eyed friend pops back out of her bedroom door with a small thud as she tugs it shut behind her. Now fully dressed and hair up in a messy, wet bun. “Okay,” she says as she pops back in, taking a seat beside Clarke so the blonde can lift her head from the position she had it cradled in her hands. “Talk,” She says gently and Clarke nods, swallowing her feelings as best she can to get past the lump forming in her throat so she can finally unload on someone who will listen to her.

“Raven, I’ve never felt this way before.” She says almost breathlessly, watching her friend’s face, though it gives nothing away to the thoughts that might be in her head at Clarke’s uttered words. “I can’t stop thinking about her, I keep kissing her,”

“You’ve kissed her?” Raven interrupts, but snaps her mouth shut when Clarke looks at her. “Sorry, continue,”

“She’s so beautiful,” Clarke melts at just the thought of the pretty green eyed girl shuffling through her thoughts. Images of her in her head almost like documents on a computer, pictures of her smile and audio files of her laugh and Clarke is overwhelmed by the feeling that these thoughts cause. “She has the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what to do.” She whines further, the stress seeping its way back inside of her chest as she cradled her head again.

Raven seems to sit beside her in a long contemplated silence before she asks, “What do you want?”

And for a moment, Clarke forgets that she doesn’t have to hide herself. “Her,”

“Why can’t you have her?” Raven asks simply, and that’s all it is, a question to help Clarke contemplate things through her head easier.

“I… I don’t, I can’t,” She feels her chest tighten and her eyes water as she tries to think through it but she _can’t_ … she doesn’t know what to do, she just doesn’t.

“Hey,” Raven scoots closer to her, running her fingertips through blonde strands of hair again to soothe her, she knows how Clarke always melts to the action, how it always sets her at easy when she’s so close to losing it. “Take a breath okay,” She whispers softly, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s shoulder. “Name the obstacles,” She continues to run her fingers through Clarke’s hair, feeling the blonde relax to her touch.

Clarke’s eyes drift shut as Raven begins to braid her hair, a wave of calming beginning to wash over her as she takes in a deep breath. “My job,” She says and lets the breath out.

“One, I’ve heard that one before remember,” Raven teases lightly and is pleased with herself when she sees the corners of Clarke’s mouth cork up lightly at the memories of their history together.

Clarke takes in another deep breath, “My mom,” she lets it out, feeling the way her chest untightens to the twist of Raven’s fingertips in her hair. It’s so soothing of an action, and they’ve been friends long enough for Raven to know just how to handle her.

“Two, I’ve also heard that one.” Raven’s voice is still light and teasing as she rakes her fingers through lovely blonde strands, twisting them into a braid, not just any braid, but Clarke’s favorite kind of braid.

Clarke breathes in, “Co-stars,” Clarke breathes out, feeling the tension release from her shoulders slowly.

“Half because that goes with your job.” Raven motives and Clarke does not protest.

She breathes in, “Out of my league,” She breathes out and smiles a little when she hears Raven snort loudly from behind her, keeping her eyes closed as Raven works the strands of her hair into intricate and tiny braids.

“Never, I don’t accept that one,” Her brown eyed friend shakes her head finishing up Clarke’s favorite braid, Clarke is already feeling so much better.

“Raven,” Clarke’s eyes flutter open and she turns to face her, taking in her features and feeling much calmer, in much the way that only Raven can cause her. She wonders how the girl does that, but she doesn’t ask the question out loud. She supposes it’s just a Raven thing, since her friend had many talents, it shouldn’t be surprising that she was also good with people. Or maybe she was just good with her friends, particularly with Clarke.

“What?” She smiles softly at Clarke.

“I promised.” Clarke sounds lost when she says it, but Raven doesn’t tell her she’s being dramatic. She just brushes her fingertips across her cheek and down the braid she had just finished and smiles her very sweet Raven like smirk.

“You’re heart doesn’t listen to things your head promises.” She says softly, knowing it’s not of much comfort but realizing that Clarke needs her advice more than just her comfort.

The blonde nods. “She wouldn’t want me.”

“Wait a second,” Raven’s eyebrow tilts up with her words as she holds up her hand. “Didn’t you just say you’ve kissed her before, did she not kiss you back?” The brunette reasons easily. She’s got that tilt to her eyebrow she gets when she’s in what Clarke and Octavia call “ _know-it-all_ ” mode, but Clarke doesn’t tease her about it. The current topic of conversation is too serious at the present time for Clarke to want to tease her about it.

“She did.”

“Why do you think that means she wouldn’t want you?” Her voice is stern but still filled with only an affection she ever shows for Clarke.

“I don’t know.” The blonde whines slightly and pulls her knees up to her chest as she files through her many thoughts.

“How many times have you kissed her?”

“A few times, but,” Clarke pulls the corner of her lip between her teeth and Raven watches it a moment with soft contemplation. “Last week when we found out we got a season two we made out against a wall at club Grounder,” Clarke rests her cheek against her knee so she reaches Raven’s eye line, wondering what she could possibly be thinking as she speaks. “It was so nice,” she tacks on with a soft whisper and watches as the smile on Raven’s face turns sympathetic and sweet. Just what she needs. Always what she needs.

“You’ve always had a preference for women.” Her brown eyed friend chuckles slightly and Clarke know her pout is probably laughable but she can’t stop it from creasing along her lips.

“Raven,” She whines childishly.

“Alright I’m sorry, how does making out against a wall equal her not wanting you?” Her tone is soft and questioning, but not judgmental or critical. She isn’t demanding an answer but simply asking the blonde to help her work her way through her thoughts, because she can practically see how tangled they are in Clarke’s head.

“I don’t know… she thinks I don’t even like girls, Costia thinks I’m being cruel and leading her on and intentionally trying to hurt her, I’m not, I wouldn’t,” Clarke stops to take in a deep breath and let it out slowly, humming slightly as Raven’s finger brush down her braid again.

“Wait; did Costia say that to you?” Raven’s tone is even but when Clarke looks at her she can see the protective expression cross over her pretty features.

“Yeah, on Valentine’s Day,” Clarke says quietly, hugging her knees to her chest a bit tighter. “She told me she’s known girls like me and that I’m not good enough for Lexa, that I’m being cruel and I should leave her alone and that she’s going to protect Lexa from me.” Clarke shivers slightly at the memory, evening speaking about is far too close to that day and she never wants to experience that again. It was so uncomfortable and Clarke has never been one to handle being cornered very well. Where most would blow up or defend themselves, Clarke just scurries away without much fight, unless they’ve cornered someone she cares about, that always changes things.

“That’s why you were so upset,” Raven hardens beside her, but Clarke doesn’t take much notice to it.

“I wouldn’t hurt Lexa; I like her too much, not just in that way but in all ways. She’s so nice and funny, she’s nothing like the media says she is. She’s soft and so considerate and respectful. She’s a good friend; she listens to me and helps me when I’m nervous.” She knows she’s rambling, but she can’t help it. Lexa makes her feel things she has never felt before and there’s no stopping that. Even if she wants to stop it, she can’t.

“I’m a bit worried you’ll replace me Griffin,” Raven teases lightly, her smirk back though she still has that hard look in her eyes at the thought of someone intentionally cornering her friend and hurting her.

“I could never,” Clarke snorts slightly, sliding closer to Raven so she can rest her head against the girl’s collarbone as she wraps Clarke tightly in her arms.

“It doesn’t matter what Costia says Clarke, you have a right to your feelings, you obviously like her and if you’re showing Lexa that you aren’t doing anything wrong.”

“But we can’t be together, so maybe she’s right. I’m just cruel, playing with her feelings and,”

“Do you know what her feelings are, Clarke?” Raven asks sternly, not wanting to hear her friend talk down on herself like this.

The blonde lets out a deep sighs as her fingers tangle together in her lap. She shakes her head. “Not officially, we haven’t talked about it.” _We haven’t talked about anything_ , also running through her head because her and Lexa don’t talk about the line that they keep blurring, they don’t even acknowledge that there is a line for them to blur.

“You aren’t being cruel; I don’t want you to ever believe that.” Raven plays with the braid as she feels Clarke nod against her neck. “I think you and Lexa might need to talk, but you’re not a bad person, you’re not cruel. You like a girl and a girl likes you, and that’s okay.”

Clarke releases another deep sigh. “We can’t be together,”

She can feel Raven’s shrug but she doesn’t make a move to get up and look at her, far too comfortable in her place and a lot calmer then she thought she would ever be having this conversation. “Maybe not, but you should still talk. Whatever is happening between you two, it keeps happening, which means it will continue happening. You should address it, so you at least know where she stands and you can figure out where you stand.” Raven is the voice of reason, though Clarke isn’t sure where she stands, or where Lexa would even want her to stand. She does know Raven is right, even if having that conversation sounds impossible.

“I like her,” She says again, softly.

“I know you do.” Raven kisses the girl’s forehead gently and pulls her closer as Clarke sighs against her skin yet again.

“How do I start that kind of a conversation?”

“I don’t know, do you think you can just be blunt. _“Hey Lexa, I really like kissing you, we keep kissing, do you like kissing me? Maybe we can kiss all the time?”_ ”

“No,” Clarke chuckles. “We can’t kiss all the time,” The blonde sighs heavily as she sits up from her position. “I was trying to get rid of these feelings because we shouldn’t be kissing at all, but I can’t get them to go away, they just keep getting worse.”

“Clarke Griffin,” Raven catches her eye line, a serious look to her brown orbs that the blonde is used to seeing when she comes to the girl with her problems. “I don’t know how to tell you to handle this, but I want you to know that you are so worth being with and if she doesn’t see that or want that, she doesn’t deserve you.” Raven’s fingers reach up to brush across Clarke’s cheek. “The first time I saw you I knew that you were special, you know that.” Raven smiles her breath-taking smile after that, her statement tipping the corner of Clarke’s own lips up in her own on-coming smile.

She rolls her cerulean eyes, but her smile is still in place so Raven knows how effectively she has cheered her up. “Stop flirting with me.” She elbows her friend, chuckling slightly as Raven only shrugs her shoulders again.

“It boosts your ego,” Her smile grows when Clarke lets out a heavy laugh.

“That’s true,” The blonde nods while she still chuckles with Raven when she leans into the girl’s touch that’s still lightly upon her cheek, brushing past her features repeatedly to keep the soothing action there. Raven doesn’t like to remove her comfort from someone, knowing that when Clarke is done taking the energy that she needs she will pull away from her.

Raven contemplates over her words before she seems to decide to say them. “Maybe just keep kissing her, maybe don’t talk at all. She has to know that you wouldn’t kiss her if you didn’t want to, and you have to know that she wouldn’t kiss you back if she didn’t want too.” Her thumb brushing back and forth across Clarke’s cheekbone as the blonde considers her words, the small knit to her brows creasing into effect as she does so.

“What do you mean keep kissing her?” How could she keep kissing Lexa and not just make her problem worse? How could she keeping kissing Lexa without causing a problem she can’t possibly fix, even if she wants to keep kissing Lexa as much as Lexa will let her kiss her? God how she’d love to keep kissing her, just the thought of kissing her sends tingles down her spine and flips her belly with excitement.

“Keep doing what you’re doing. Relationships progress at their own speed and she already knows you haven’t really been in the dating game for a while. Maybe ease into it Griffin, if you both are two scared to talk about it, then just act.” Raven shrugs like the concept isn’t that hard and it’s not a bad idea… in truth. It’s not a completely bad idea, her words creating a beginning of a formulation of a plan.

“Just act?” She says, more to herself than to Raven.

“Yep,” Clarke’s eyebrows furrow as a thought runs through her head, surfacing nicely and formulating a plan that’s probably not going to be the best one for either of them, but Clarke doesn’t realize that as the plan articulates and sets in place in her mind.

“Okay,” She responds with a soft smile as Raven’s fingers drop from her face, taking her warmth with it. Soft and as sweet as ever and Clarke is so grateful to have her as a friend, knowing she should have gone to her a long time ago with this, she lunges across the little amount of space between them and hugs Raven tightly in her arms, pressing a sloppy kiss to her cheek and smiling at her cute little giggle as Raven’s own arms trap her against her.


	4. just wanna lift you up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I just wanna say thank you to everyone giving their thoughts and opinions on this, I love reading how you guys think things are going to pan out and stuff. It's really cool. And don't be shy if you catch a plot hole or something, tell me about it, cause I'm writing this every single week and don't have the chapter's already written and planned out beforehand so I might make a mistake sometimes. :)
> 
> I won't be updating next Friday so as to take the week to work on something else, but I'll be back with a new chapter of this on May 12th.
> 
> I hope you guys like this one, it's bit shorter than the others, all summer chapters will be, but it's still a decent size.

##  _Summer, 2014_

Lexa hates summer.

Spring she’s never minded, because everything is blooming and coming to life and she loves the flowers, but summer… summer was just _hot_. She hated being hot and she hated sweating. She much preferred anything that didn’t cause this kind of precipitation when she didn’t ask for it; it’s why she always spent most of her summers haled up in her house, if she wasn’t working. Thankfully, she didn’t have to start filming tell August, which gave her plenty of time to effectively avoid the summer weather by cozying up on her couch in the nice air conditioning that kept her from the wretched heat.

That was the plan anyway, until she made friends with Clarke Griffin, whom apparently _loved_ summer. Lexa can feel her eyes rolling even as she thinks it, because how anyone at all, could love this time of year was utterly and completely beyond her. And the fact that Clarke had to drag her out of her nicely cooled and air-conditioned home on the hottest day this year has seen yet was definitely not something she was very pleased about.

She must have done something to the blonde, that’s the only explanation for this.

“Stop pouting Lexa, this will be fun.” Clarke says all cheery and sweet as she tugs at Lexa’s wrist to pull her further on the beach, the sand slipping its way uncomfortably between Lexa’s toes as they walk. “I’ve been waiting _forever_ for this.” She practically moans as the sun meets her face and the sand slaps against her feet. Lexa has to force herself to think of anything else other than the sound that Clarke has made, even though that’s actually impossible because the effects of it are clearly visible in her flushed cheeks.

If Clarke notices, perhaps she’ll just think it’s the sun’s fault.

“Honestly why, beaches are awful _Clarke_.” And the blonde knows her tells by now. Knows that when she pouts and whines she always says her name like that, knows she’ll also follow Clarke, even if she hates it. Clarke knows her by now, but that doesn’t seem to stop the blonde from wanting to drag her into the pits of sandy hell anyways.

“They are not you’re being a big baby, put that lip away, you’re going to have fun.” The blonde’s own hand is sweaty around her wrist and she wants to tug away from her touch but at the same time she doesn’t really mind so much, the sweat, when Clarke’s touching her, she’s okay with it. She likes when Clarke is close, which is something Lexa is slowly getting used to feeling. She can’t stop these responses, so she might as well learn to live with them.

“Why are you making me do this?” Lexa’s pout increases but Clarke is actively ignoring her protests now, tightening her grip on her wrist and tugging her a little faster as they make their way further across the beach toward the party full of swim suits and sweaty bodies… gross sweaty bodies because of the ungodly heat.

They’re pushing through the crowd when a tall guy blocks their way, all charming smiles and twinkling eyes. Lexa met him once at one of Clarke’s parties but she doesn’t really like him, though Clarke doesn’t seem to mind as she offers him a bright beaming grin. “Clarke and her new actor friend,”

“Lexa,” The brunette corrects in a bit snappy of a tone but she can’t stop it from coming out that way. She doesn’t apologize for it and doesn’t offer the boy much of a glance as she straightens her spine, much as she often does around people she doesn’t know very well or in surroundings that she doesn’t like very much, and being on a beach on the hottest day of the year with a guy she doesn’t remember the name of smiling at Clarke like that, is not quite an ideal situation.

“Sorry, Lexa,” The boy looks sheepish, but Lexa doesn’t really care.

“Don’t mind her Bellamy, she’s just grumpy,” Clarke shoots Lexa a scolding look before offering the taller guy another sweet smile, one that Lexa much prefers to not see directed at anyone but her.

She manages to loosen Clarke’s grip on her wrist so she can slip her fingers in-between Clarke’s. And she doesn’t mean to be possessive, but she knows it appears that way, she knows that a small part of her is acting that way. She tries to tell herself she’s only seeking comfort because she’s surrounded in heat and unknown people, but she knows the truth is that she just wants to be close to Clarke and for Clarke to want to be close to her, and she wants tall handsome smiling men to leave them alone.

“How long do we have to stay,” She mumbles lowly in Clarke’s ear as if the question is a secret, something that needs to be kept under whispers and hushed breaths, deep down knowing how the action may look to other people. She shouldn’t be acting this way, she tells herself to back off. She doesn’t have the right to keep Clarke from anyone in a suggestive and assuming action but when Clarke shivers to her like that, it’s so hard for her to remember that Clarke doesn’t even like girls.

“Just for a little while. I promise if you’re still miserable in an hour we’ll go okay?” She’s got that beautiful smile on her face, Lexa’s favorite smile. The one she wants to kiss and touch with the tips of her fingers as if to paint the image in her head permanently so that she may never forget it.

On the outside of things, she knew that to anyone else, especially the boy in front of them, that she looked enamored. She knows she can’t hide the fact that she very much is. Not even from Clarke’s wandering blue eyes that shuffle across the features of her face.

“Okay,” She agrees with her own soft smile, and of course she’ll try to have fun for Clarke. It’s Clarke, despite the suffocating heat and too much sand between her toes; she always has fun with Clarke. If her friend really wants to be here, she’s not going to hold her back from that, and if her friend also really wants to be here with her, than she really should try and have a good time for her. After all, she does adore Clarke and any chance she gets to spend with her is a chance she’s quickly learning to cherish. She doesn’t know how long she’s got if these feelings never free her.

“Drinks over there,” That Bellamy guy shouts, breaking their moment and pointing across the area to coolers near the fire pits. Lexa doesn’t know him well enough to know quite what he’s thinking, but he’s got a question in his gaze as he watches them and their tangled hands. She has appeared possessive and it has worked and she feels guilty about it. But Clarke doesn’t seem to notice, nor does she seem to mind or care as her pretty smile expands.

Lexa looks toward where the taller guy had pointed and feels herself cringe internally. _God what the hell would they need fire pits for in this heat?_

“Thanks Bell!” Clarke shouts, pulling on Lexa’s hand to tug her through a crowd of people toward the drinks. It was too early for Lexa to want to be drinking, but Clarke seemed adamant on making her way toward the beverages so Lexa didn’t protest, trying to focus her thoughts on things that didn’t involve thinking about how nice it is to have Clarke hold her hand so tightly.

“Clarke you made it, woo and you brought Lexa,” Raven fumbles her way through the crowd smiling from ear to ear like she has some giant secret she knows that Lexa doesn’t. The brunette isn’t sure if this is just how Raven smiles or if it’s because she’s obviously been drinking a little before they got there. “Did you bring Anya,” And at that, Lexa can’t stop the smirk from making its way across her face, which she knows Raven notices but she tries to avoid eye contact so Anya won’t kill her later.

“No, but I saw you chatting up Luna,” Clarke’s eyebrows wiggled at her friend, giggling as a blush made its way across Raven’s face and a not so friendly look along with it. Right, Lexa forgot about Luna… Raven likes Luna is what Anya had said Clarke had said. _Right_ …

“What did I tell you?”

“You so like her.”

“I do not.”

Lexa thought it best she interject, for her own friend’s sake. Raven had thought of her the moment she saw Lexa, maybe she should just… push that a little. “Did you want me to invite Anya?” Lexa spoke over the quiet argument, amusement surfacing along her features as Raven’s eyebrows perked up with the sudden question. If Raven doesn’t like Anya at least a little bit then Lexa doesn’t like Clarke.

The brunette girl could see her friend’s crush pondering it over a moment, taken aback and contemplating. She wondered what exactly she was contemplating or why she even had to contemplate it. She knows her friend likes Raven; she wonders what Raven might think of her friend, maybe that’s what Raven is doing now, trying to understand what she thinks of Anya, or maybe she’s afraid that asking for her attendance is too revealing. Lexa doesn’t know Raven well enough to figure it out; she does know that Anya will kill her for this, though she will also love her for it.

She shrugs after a moment,  “I guess so,” the pondering over as she sips at the drink in her hand, ignoring Lexa’s gaze and looking at Clarke before her eyes slip down to their entwined fingertips and back up to gorgeous pretty blue eyes.

Lexa pretends not to notice, slipping her hand from Clarke to pull out her phone and shoot Anya a text as casually as she possibly can. She can’t keep holding Clarke’s hand like that without everyone assuming something and she can’t keep doing that too Clarke. Clarke is not hers; therefore she cannot treat Clarke like she may be.

 

 **_Lexa Lex (3:46 P.M.):_ ** _You’re crush is asking for you._

Raven and Clarke have vaguely begun a small talk kind of conversation in front of her, but she only glances up when she hears Clarke’s cute little giggle beside her. She takes a second to admire the action before shooting her eyes back down to her phone as it vibrates and avoiding the look that Raven levels on her once she catches her because Lexa is so fucking obvious and she for some odd reason can’t stop herself from being so around the gorgeous blonde girl. It makes absolutely no sense.

Maybe Clarke is clueless to the way Lexa looks at her, and maybe other people who aren’t searching for something won’t perhaps notice how apparent Lexa is, but Raven is Clarke’s best friend… She’ll clearly be able to see right through Lexa, and that twists Lexa’s stomach with unease. She needs to be more careful in her interactions with the blonde if she wants to keep her as a friend and not scare her away with her heart eyes and possessive touches. Raven will surely vocalize her musings to her friend and if she does that Clarke’s going to question it as well and then Clarke will really see it and Lexa will be screwed.

**_Anyayaya (3:48 P.M.):_ ** _What r u on about?_

A soft snort leaves Lexa unwillingly, gaining a Raven’s partial attention as she glances down at the brunette’s phone curiously. She hopes that if she can get Anya to come Raven will be too distracted pay attention to her that she won’t catch Lexa’s pining.

**_Lexa Lex (3:48 P.M.):_ ** _Raven. The girl you like has requested your presences at this party._

Teasing Anya causes her smirk to grow across the surface of her mouth, quelling some of her fretfulness about how tonight could pan out and snuffing it into the back of her mind while she focuses more on her friend. Clarke leaves her side to grab some drinks and leaves Lexa and Raven alone, but Lexa chooses to spend that time looking down at her phone rather than meeting the scrutinizing eyes that are upon her. She likely wants to avoid whatever best friend talk Raven wants to enforce upon her and the longer she stares at her phone the longer she’ll be able to do just that.

**_Anyayaya (3:49 P.M.):_ ** _ur lying to try and get me to admit to something that isn’t true_

 **_Lexa Lex (3:49 P.M.):_ ** _I tell nothing but the truth, come_

****

“So you and Clarke get a long pretty well huh?” Raven asks loudly, though the music seems louder than she is, even if the tune is soft. She feels her heart pick up in pace against her ribcage as she glances up from her phone to meet the soft brown eyes before her. The curiosity in Raven’s eyes causes a panic, but she tells herself to be cool because if she’s cool Raven won’t suspect anything and if Raven doesn’t suspect anything Raven can’t tell Clarke about it.

She only nods because it’s all she can manage.

“She adores you, always talks about you.” Raven says with a grin, it only makes the uneven heartbeat situation going on in Lexa’s chest worse. She tries to offer her own smile as to not show the dread all over her face but for an actress, she sure as hell is bad at it when there aren’t any camera’s and Clarke Griffin is involved.

“Couldn’t ask for a better co-star.” She’s amazed the words come out even, with no crack to her voice despite how shaky she feels and the nerves that quiver her hands.

Raven’s grin seems to grow even wider, “Clarke’s really easy to fall in love with.” and Lexa can feel the fear wrap around her heart as the words leave her mouth. Not that she doesn’t know that Clarke is probably easy to fall in love with, she’s known the girl nine months and she already can’t stop thinking about her, but _love_ … love is too much. She doesn’t know what Raven’s getting at and she doesn’t want to know.

An awkward “Um,” leaves her before she can necessarily stop it.

“Acting it out should be fun and easy.” God why is she smiling like that? Lexa feels like she has some enormous leverage on her and she doesn’t know what it is and it’s making her incredibly uncomfortable. Thankfully her phone vibrates to offer her some escape from the conversation and lets her gaze meet the bright screen of her mobile device again, telling her hands not to shake as she reads through Anya’s message.

****

**_Anyayaya (3: 52 P.M.):_ ** _where is it_

She smirks; because of course it’s that easy. Anya is obvious when she likes a girl. At least to Lexa she is. They’ve known each other too long and they know each other far too well to not know when the other has feelings for someone.

**_Lexa Lex (3:52 P.M.):_ ** _You totally wanna see her_

 **_Anyayaya (3:52 P.M.):_ ** _Lexa I swear to god_

 **_Lexa Lex (3:53 P.M.):_ ** _Alright, alright,_

 

“So is she coming?” Raven tries to look uninterested but Lexa can plainly see that she is. She nods her head as she finishes typing in the address to send to Anya before offering Raven one of her nice, gentle, warming smiles she doesn’t often use on people. Raven is pleasant and she does want to be on her good side, if not for herself, at least for Clarke. A friend of Clarke’s should be okay by Lexa, and it’s not that Raven isn’t, she just fears Raven will see through her and she can’t have that if she wants to keep the blonde girl as her friend, and she really truly does want that.

“Yep, she’ll be here soon.” She grins wider as Raven blushes slightly at the news before the girl is shaking it off and shrugging her shoulders.

“We’re gonna play some volleyball, you should play with us, Clarke won’t because she uncoordinated and hates exercise.”

“Hey, I do not hate exercise… I just…” Clarke offer’s Lexa a can of soda and the brunette takes it from her palm happily. Clarke got herself a beer and Lexa wonders briefly how she knew Lexa didn’t want any alcohol at this moment. Sometimes she feels like Clarke’s already in her head, and if that were the case she has no idea how the blonde hasn’t already figured her out.

“Clumsy Griffin,” Raven continues to tease.

Lexa only shrugs before admitting, “I think it’s cute.” and she takes a drink from the soda Clarke had offered her, admiring the soft blush that crosses her features at her words. She loves making Clarke blush, she loves the way it looks on her pale skin, she always aches to trace the details with her fingertips much in the same way she does with the girl’s smile. She wants to add it to the painting in her head that has suddenly started taking shape as she had been thinking about it earlier. She wishes she could paint; she’d paint Clarke all day.

“So will you play Lexa?”

“I’m not very sporty, but sure.” The brunette shrugs and smiles when she sees Raven has offered her a bright soft smile of her own. This is good, playing sports no matter how bad is a good distraction from her feelings and her worry that Raven will figure it out. She’s usually very good at hiding herself, but she always feels so very open when it comes to Clarke, something she has yet to really fully figure out.

“This is great, we have a full team now, come on.” She nods her head toward where the net is set up, people around it she sort of recognizes through knowing Clarke these past months. She goes to follow her but stumbles slightly when Clarke’s fingers are slipping between her own again, her palm squeezing Lexa’s softly as she sips at her beer, almost as if she’s trying to look innocent.

The brunette doesn’t say anything, but she knows that her heart is probably loud enough for them both to hear.

 

“You looked hot out there,” Lexa nearly trips over her own feet as her hands collide with the table before meeting amused bright blue eyes. Clarke slides a water bottle across the surface toward her, her grin wide and brilliant. “Drink some water.” And she doesn’t even blink at Lexa’s growing red cheeks because of course she didn’t mean it like that, why would she mean it like that, _Lexa you’re stupid_.

“Thanks,” She adjusts to recover from her almost fall and breaks the seal of the bottle, pulling the lid off and bringing it to her lips. Clarke is on her third beer and her eyes have started to do that thing again, where the sky is swallowed by the blackness whenever she looks at Lexa and the brunette really can’t blame it on low light, especially when those eyes are on her and they’re surrounded by brightness and heat. She doesn’t even know what that means, to have Clarke look at her like that. She does know however, that her senses tell her what it means and she’s thanking god that she chose not to drink because Clarke would be pinned to this stupid wooden table if she had.

And she’s already pinned Clarke to a surface one to many times as of late.

“It’s actually unfair how hot you look right now.” Clarke’s words are said so casually, like she doesn’t even have to think it over, and that’s really not fair since it causes Lexa to choke on her water and she spends a good two minutes coughing and trying to recover before Clarke thinks it’s suspicious or may question her about it. Realistically Clarke wouldn’t, she’s not the kind of force Lexa to talk about anything she doesn’t want to, so even if she didn’t suspect, Lexa should know by now that Clarke would never request her to tell her such a thing. She fears though that Clarke will still distance herself if she does figure it out and she doesn’t want that. Clarke has quickly become important to her, a fast friend, but a really, really good one, almost as if their souls just belong together.

 _It’s just a stupid crush, it’ll go away._ That’s what Lexa keeps telling herself, but part of her is starting to wonder if it ever will.

“To bad being hot isn’t enough to win.” She tries to play it cool but she hears her voice crack and curses herself silently for being so bad at holding back her feelings around the blonde girl. Why is she such an open book, it’s never been like this before. Even in high school when she had that crush on Costia things weren’t this bad, the girl hadn’t even been suspicious because she was so good at hiding it. She must of lost touch with that, since she hasn’t felt this way about anyone in such a long time.

“You’re holding up fine since Raven got distracted with Anya, what are they doing anyway?” Clarke’s eyes squint across the area to look at the pair. Raven is distracted at something they must be watching on Anya’s phone, a headphone in one ear and her eyes glued to the screen. But Anya can’t take her eyes off Raven, her own fingertips tangling through the girl’s hair as she listens to whatever Anya has her listening too.

Lexa can only roll her eyes, as if Anya could ever hide a crush from her; she’s always been so obvious about them.

“They’ve gotten all buddy-buddy these last few months.” Clarke continues, hopping up onto the wooden table and stretching her legs out, momentarily distracting Lexa from anything else that could possibly exist as she watches straining muscles. She shakes herself out of it, taking a big gulp of water and letting her eyes focus back on the pair currently topic of conversation.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Lexa mutters a moment later, causing Clarke’s attention to snap to her. Those pretty eyes focused completely on her face, looking suddenly so very interested.

Lexa deduces that Clarke must like secrets. “Yeah?” Her voice is questioning and eager and Lexa thinks it’s adorable, so she pulls herself onto the table as well, to sit closer to Clarke and meets her gaze with a soft grin.

“Anya’s got a fat ass crush on your friend.” And Clarke gasps like this is completely shocking and incredible news. It’s so adorable that Lexa can’t fight the wide smile that surfaces across her face; it only seems to grow as Clarke’s does, all bright and knowing.

“Oh my gosh, I should have figured that out!”

“I haven’t gotten her to admit it to me quite yet, that’s always like pulling teeth, but I’m working on it.” Lexa says smugly, watching with satisfaction as Clarke absorbs her information, uncaring of the surrounding currently around them. All that matters is Lexa’s gossip and by god how the brunette will never take Clarke’s undivided attention for granted. Not ever.

“Oh but Raven likes Luna.” Clarke’s face falls as she says it, eyes shooting back across the space to watch how the two interact with each other, a new searching in her eyes that Lexa much admires.

“I don’t know. She did ask for Anya when we first got here.” Lexa shrugs and casually takes a drink of her water as Clarke’s eyebrows knit in that adorable fashion that they do when she’s thinking too hard. Lexa wishes she could paint that look too, she did love it so much. Maybe she should take up painting, she’s not a bad drawer, and she’s always been a fast learner. Maybe if she practices.

_No Lexa, you’re not going to take up painting just to paint Clarke you idiot._

“She did, didn’t she? I didn’t really think much of that.” Clarke’s fingers tangle in her blonde hair to brush strands back and out of her face and Lexa gets caught for a moment, just watching how it falls back into place. She loves when Clarke does that, there’s something about it that’s just so pretty and Clarke, with the sun beating down on her like this, looking like that, almost appears like an angel.

“Anya’s always been obvious about her crushes.” Lexa snorts after a silent moment. She breaks her gaze from a gorgeous Clarke Griffin and she examines the pair across from them again, amusement was clearly visible in her gaze because Anya was such a softie when it came to her crushes. She’s all business most of the time, but when it came to people she actually cared about she was like jelly. Lexa loved that about her.

Clarke breaks through Lexa’s thoughts with a clearing of her throat. “What about you?”

Lexa quirks an eyebrow and meets Clarke’s gaze. “About me?” She asks, noticing her voice raises an octave too high when the words leave her mouth. She’s so fucking obvious and she hates herself for it. _And why are Clarke’s eyes so pretty right now?_

“Yeah, is it normally easy to tell when you have a crush on someone?” Clarke is all innocent and curious with batting eyelashes and a soft smile. It makes Lexa heart race as her gaze examines Clarke in front of her, the girl’s demeanor changing into something that Lexa doesn’t quite know what is. God, she needs to get a handle on herself.

“Oh god no, not usually.” She feels her face flush because it sure as hell is obvious with Clarke. But most of the time it never is, most of the time nobody can ever figure her out. It’s been named her most frustrating quality by plenty of people, she’s always been so very good at swallowing her feelings, at least since high school, and even in high school she was better at it then she is right now, with Clarke beside her, legs nearly brushing her own and she feels as if she might be getting closer.

“I can see that,” Clarke nodded once. “You’re so hard to read sometimes,” Clarke’s fingers tangle through the side of her hair. “I bet you’re soft with the girl’s you like.” And her touch behind her ear feels like fire. Clarke’s voice has dropped so low, or maybe that’s her imagination? But it has, and she has moved closer, her thigh pressing into her own so the heat can burn like flames against her skin, surfacing through her body and flipping her belly as pleasantly as all Clarke’s touches do.

“I,” Lexa clears her throat, as it has tightened and her mouth is suddenly dry with the way Clarke’s fingertips skate down her neck. _What is she doing?_

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while.” Clarke’s breath brushes across her ear and Lexa can feel her insides melt, the fluttering of her eyelids unstoppable... her ears are a weakness not many know about and Clarke is about to dangerously find that out if she keeps going with whatever the hell she’s doing. “Tell me what you’re like when you like a girl.” Clarke is relentless and Lexa can only chalk up her touchy behavior to the amount of beers she’s had, telling herself to relax and not be so fucking obvious for once in her life.

 _Just answer the stupid question_.

“I don’t know,” Lexa’s voice is shaky as Clarke’s fingertips tangle back through the side of her hair again, pulling it back out of her face just so she can brush the back of her ear, making Lexa’s breathe catch in her throat rather audibly as Clarke’s fingertips skate down the side of her neck once more.

“I bet you’re affectionate too.” Clarke’s fingers repeat the process, her breath back on her ear and Lexa’s eyelids flutter again, feeling herself sink into the touch despite trying to tell herself to pull back from the blonde and create some much needed distance to clear her head. It feels so very nice to be touched like this by her, to be close to her like this. She can’t overpower the soft ache developing between her legs even if she does feel guilty about it. She shouldn’t have these thoughts about Clarke, but she can’t stop it when the blonde is touching her like this. “You’re so reserved around other people but I bet with her you wouldn’t be, not in most cases. Even if you wanted too, I bet it’d be hard to keep your walls up if you like her so much.” Clarke tilts her head slightly; blue eyes still so heavily dilated as they look across the features of Lexa’s face that completely give her away.

When she turns to her there’s no stopping that pull she feels to be closer, to kiss her mouth because it’s there and she’s wanted to kiss her all day; her, and that smile that is always only for Lexa. “Bet you’d kiss her in front of everyone, and you wouldn’t care who was there to see it.” She can’t take her eyes off of Clarke’s lips, can’t even really register what the girl is saying as she leans forward. It’s almost as if she’s under some unbearable spell that Clarke has cast upon her, forcing her rational thoughts aside in favor of just one shot at getting her lips to brush against Clarke’s one more time.

“Maybe,” Lexa responds after a moment, lips parting as Clarke’s nose brushes hers, causing her eyes to flutter shut as she feels Clarke’s breathe against her lips. She can almost taste her and Clarke is so close, her own hands moving to reach up for her.

She wants nothing more than to kiss her.

“Griffin!”

 Being shouted is all it takes for Clarke to snap away from her, and Lexa feels the wave of frustration wash through her like cold ice water, eyes snapping open and looking for the destroyer of moments meant to be special.

It’s that stupid guy again, that stupid curious look on his face as he gestures to some red cup in his hand and shakes it slightly as if that’s supposed to mean anything. But apparently it does, because Clarke’s eyes light up immediately, her fingers wrapping around Lexa as she tugs the girl off the table with her. “He’s made his special drinks, they’re amazing, come on.”

“I don’t want any.” Lexa protests slightly but goes along with the blonde willingly as the girl only rolls pretty blue eyes at her, blue eyes still swallowed up by the blackness. All Lexa wants to do is stay on the table, pin the girl to the table and kiss her mouth until she can’t breathe. She’s never been so frustrated about not getting to kiss someone before, and she finds that, that frustration is effectively plummeting her partying mood.

“You’ll try it for me.” Clarke says all super sweet and giving her that smile again that makes her knees weak. She hates that she gives into Clarke so easily, and willingly lets the girl drag her toward a group of boys who greet the blonde with hugs and other nonsense Lexa doesn’t really pay attention too. She wishes for a moment that they had been in Clarke’s apartment when things had happened, no one would have interrupted them then.

The blonde takes two of whatever special drinks she was talking about and hands one to Lexa, letting their fingers slip together again after the brunette takes it from her. Clarke is looking at her expectantly as she examines the sloshy liquid inside the red cup. She takes one more look at Clarke’s face, rolls her eyes, and then brings the cup to her lips, tipping slightly to let the strong smelling beverage travel down her throat.

And it was strong, burning its way through her as she coughed it up slightly and her eyes watered. “What the hell is this?” She croaked as Clarke cackled loudly beside her, taking a sip of her own drink without even squinting.

“That’s The Killer,” Bellamy shouted proudly in front of them, and maybe she likes it even less because that guy made it and she really doesn’t like him very much.

“I voted for a different name,” A nerdy looking guy stands beside him with a small shrug.

“What’s wrong with the name?” And Bellamy looks as if he’s about to tackle him. It’s ridiculous and childish and Lexa does not care about the drink or its name.

“Lacks originality,” The boy shrugs.

“I like it.” Bellamy shouts at him.

Clarke only laughs at the boys before tugging Lexa’s hand to pull her back toward their secluded wooden table, but it is taken up by others now, much to Lexa’s dismay, and Bellamy is shouting the blonde’s name again before they are able to escape. “Play some party games with us Griff, your friend can join.” He offers lightly, forcing a smile in Lexa’s direction before giving Clarke a genuine one.

Lexa can’t help the way her hand tightens in Clarke’s. The blonde says nothing about it though, only squeezes back and offers Bellamy one of her famous bright grins. She doesn’t like this guy, and maybe that’s silly but she doesn’t like the way he looks at Clarke and she knows she doesn’t have the right to feel that way, she is not with Clarke, but she can’t help the burning in the pit of her stomach at even just the thought.

“Yeah sure and of course Lexa is going to play if Clarke plays. The only reason Lexa’s still here is because of her. She doesn’t want to drink, but she is here for Clarke so she’ll join her games. If Clarke is having fun then Lexa is having fun.

She sets the unusually strong drink in her hand aside even though Clarke is nursing hers closely. She watches the pretty girl beside her most of the night. Sometimes Clarke will meet her gaze, sometimes Clarke will whisper in her ear how happy she is Lexa is here with her, and sometimes Lexa will let her own lips caress the skin on Clarke’s cheek with a gentle kiss that’s far more than anything friendly. Even though all she really wants to do is kiss her and take her home with her.

They are inseparable, as they normally are when they are at an event together. It’s impossible to pry them apart for more than a couple minutes, the two always gravitating toward each other like they can’t bare to breathe without the other. Lexa can’t stop it and Lexa doesn’t want to stop it. She feels good around Clarke, she likes being around her, talking with her, listening to her laugh, making her laugh. She can never think of anything better than to be beside Clarke, just spending time with her.

This feeling is inexorable, and Lexa has to come to terms with that.

It’s only after Clarke finishes her drink and trips over her own feet, falling into Lexa’s embrace so she can keep her from the ground that the brunette decides it’s a good time to take her home. Though the blonde protests and insists she not that drunk, but still giggles whenever Lexa touches her, and will no longer keep her hands to herself, insisting that she must wrap herself around the brunette at any possible moment, rendering them both completely useless to any more party games.

Lexa had actively avoided drinking alcohol, knowing that around Clarke that’s a very bad idea, having learned that from their last adventure. She wishes a giggly slightly inebriated Clarke Griffin wasn’t as attractive as she actually is, but she knows she’ll have to handle it. Clarke has no nerves when she is drunk. She’s all confident swaying of hips and intimate touches to the skin under Lexa’s shirt and it’s entirely unfair.

What’s even more annoying is how the guys flock to a drunken Clarke Griffin. Every time she leaves Lexa’s side for a moment she is surrounded by men, handing her something else, though she never takes what they seem to offer. She knows she should let Clarke meet people that she wants to meet and have fun, but she is drunk now… she can meet people later when she’s thinking properly.

And with that Lexa decides that it’s her responsibility to get Clarke home safely, away from the vultures and in her warm bed where she can rest and sleep peacefully.

“You can go without me Lexa, it’s okay.” Clarke tells her as if Lexa is just tired and wants to leave for herself. Like she’s forcing Lexa to be here and she suddenly feels guilty about it, sputtering out a soft, “I’m sorry I made you come,” that makes Lexa’s gut twist unpleasantly. The look in her pretty blue eyes is full of an unnecessary sincerity because anytime with Clarke, no matter where they are is a good time to Lexa.

“Don’t be sorry Clarke, I had fun.” Clarke’s hair has become a mess, and she tries to fix the tangled strands herself for a moment as Clarke leans on her, resting her head on her shoulder and smiling softly. “Let’s go back to your place now,” Lexa tries to mumble close to her ear from the angle, hoping Clarke can hear her.

“You want to stay with me?” Clarke asks all soft and sweetly against her skin, she’s got a content smile as Lexa wraps her arms around the girl and presses her body closer, _to help hold her up_ she convinces herself.

“Of course, let’s go yeah?” Lexa asks again, hoping Clarke will decide she wants to leave now. The sun is almost completely down in the sky now, the clouds littered in oranges and pinks that would be so beautiful to just sit and look at if a loud obnoxious group of partiers weren’t uprooting the calming of a sunset.

“Yeah, I’d much rather be alone with you anyway.” Clarke giggles as she leans up from her resting place, her fingers touching Lexa’s cheek to follow the blush the comment causes and Lexa curses herself yet again for being such an open book around the pretty blonde haired girl. But Clarke is slightly drunk and likely to not be very keen on details, much to Lexa’s relief.

“Let me take you home now,” She manages out levelly, and watches as Clarke’s eyes light up with her words.

“Another sleepover,” She says excitedly, a giggle that makes Lexa’s own lips quirk up slightly because she’s just so darn cute. She nods once and watches as Clarke bounces up through the crowd now, seemingly excited about the prospect of a sleepover with Lexa like they aren’t grown adults.

It’s too adorable for Lexa not to find completely endearing.

They fight their way through the crowd and fight people off until they make it to Clarke’s car, and once Lexa as the girl climbing into the front seat she releases a small sigh of relief, glad that they can finally leave and that Lexa can change and relax in an air-conditioned room again with one of her favorite people. Clarke’s eyes are lit up as they look up at her from the seat and when Lexa notices she won’t make to buckle herself, she reaches across the girl and does it for her, stopping a moment once she feels Clarke cup her cheek with one of her warm slightly sweaty palms.

“I like you Woods.” She sighs softly, a mumble as if it’s a secret and Lexa feels the secret surface through her like an ocean wave, washing over her thoughts and fogging up her brain for a brief moment as she eyes drop to pretty pink lips slightly parted in front of her.

She presses a kiss to the corner of Clarke’s mouth, slowly, delicately and feels the girl hum to her touch, much in the way she does when Lexa braids her hair or holds her a little too tightly before they part. “I like you too Griffin,” She whispers much in the same fashion Clarke had, and then smiles as softly as she can at her. “It’s a secret though, don’t tell anyone.”

“I love secrets,” Clarke giggles. “You and me,” She sighs letting her eyes close and her smile grow as if the statement is the most wonderful thing she has ever heard.

To Lexa, it kind of is.

 

***

 

“Shut up Lexa,” Anya grunts into her phone, Lexa teasing her further about feelings she doesn’t care to address, nor admit too. It doesn’t matter how pretty she found Raven, or how nice she thought her laugh was… she didn’t like her like that. They were just friends, yep, that’s it, and Lexa was really starting to get on her nerves.

“Come on Anya, you can’t hide shit from me.” She doesn’t know what Lexa’s doing, by going based off sound, she assumes the girl is either home, or at Clarke’s with Netflix on, binging watching a television show and avoiding the summer heat.

“I’m not hiding anything Lexa, we’re just friends, and I’m pretty sure she’s dating that one girl.” Her tone is low and snarky and she hates the feeling that erupts in the pit of her stomach at the thought of Raven with that other girl. She’s met her a few times through Lexa because the brunette works with her, but she still doesn’t like her very much. She’s nice enough, Lexa gets along with her, but there’s still something about her that Anya just doesn’t quite like. She can’t pin point quite why, but she doesn’t really have plans to try and figure it out any time soon.

“They aren’t dating, they slept together once.” Lexa seems insistent on this idea of her and Raven, and Anya really doesn’t know why, she does know that she doesn’t like it when Lexa gets insistent like this. She’s not one to drop things easily, especially when she thinks she could possibly help Anya, or that Anya is possibly interested in someone, since it doesn’t happen often and Anya has had her fair share of straight girl heart breaks.

“Lexa please stop with this. I promise if I were interested I’d tell you.” She mumbles with a defeated sigh, sidestepping a puddle formed by summer rain. Outside of the rain, it was a rather hot day, the rain was warm and only a light drizzle by this point so she didn’t bother with an umbrella. She was thinking she could use the peaceful walk to the café, she hadn’t really prepared for Lexa to interrupt it in quite the way that she currently was.

“You are interested and you aren’t telling me and I don’t know why. You know I know already, listen Raven’s nice, she’s sweet, and I think she likes you too. I think you should ask her out and see maybe where it goes. It’s been awhile since you’ve liked anyone like this and I think she could be good for you.”

“Lexa, for fucks sake, I’m fine alright. I’m perfectly happy just being Raven’s friend okay?” Her tone is a bit snappy, high strung and she can practically see the way it makes Lexa blink. She doesn’t often snap at her like this, and with Costia still ignoring the brunette girl, she’s been a little bit more sensitive lately to severe tones. Lexa doesn’t take it well when the people that she cares about are mad at her, Anya can only assume that’s because of how very little people there are in her life and from her past experiences.

She immediately regrets being harsh. “I’m sorry An, I just want you to be happy.” The girl’s voice sounds so soft and sincere and apologetic. It furthers that guilty feeling in the pit of Anya’s stomach because she knows she shouldn’t have snapped at her. Lexa doesn’t need that right now.

She rolls her eyes at herself, because she is always so incredibly soft on Lexa and huffs slightly as she swings the door to the café open. “I _am_ happy Lexa, I love you okay. I’ve got to go now.” She mumbles softly into the phone, feeling her stomach turn as she listens to Lexa sigh ever so softly into the phone speaker.

“Alright, I love you too.” Lexa says tenderly and Anya figures she’ll buy Lexa her favorite donuts from that overly priced bakery down the street from her apartment that she likes so much to make it up to her.

She hangs up the phone and searches the café, eyes immediately stopping on the girl she was looking for and feels herself smile slightly as Raven waves her over. She looks pretty today, as she does most days. Her hair is down today which Anya doesn’t often get to see. Raven’s hair is always pulled up and out of her face. She thinks she likes seeing her like this. She looks relaxed in a way that Anya had only pictured a few times in her head beforehand.

She ignores the way her heart pounds annoyingly in her chest.

 

***

 

Fourth of July is Clarke’s least favorite American holiday. It didn’t used to be that way, she used to love it as much as her father, but fireworks scare her and without her dad, she really has no will whatsoever to try and overcome that fear anymore. They were loud and frightening and she doesn’t care how many times Raven laughs at her for it she will never like them, not ever, and she doesn’t think that’s such a bad thing. It’s not like fireworks are a necessity in love, in fact, they are completely unnecessary, uselessly loud scary things that shouldn’t exist at all, and that’s just how Clarke feels about them.

She’d have actively avoided them tonight if she could have, like she has the last few years. But then she met Lexa Woods and for some reason, she didn’t feel like giving into her fears very much anymore. It was different to hate fireworks but to be willing to be around them all for one person. That one person used to be her dad. Her dad loved fireworks, he loved barbeques too. He loved it all and went all out every year, holding Clarke when the fireworks would take place because he knew it scared her.

She didn’t have her dad to hold her now when the fireworks were about to go off and it was making her nervous, even if Lexa was beside her at that calmed her nerves a fraction. Lexa always manage to do that, all she had to do was stand there next to her and Clarke felt better. But not with this, she really hates them and it doesn’t seem to help that Lexa is standing beside her at all. Even if her laugh sounds incredible as she listens to Raven’s joke, even if her eyes are lit up with excitement as she waits for the lights in the sky, Clarke is not calmed by it. And it’s so silly for her to be this scared, she knows that, they’re just fireworks… but she _hates_ them.

Lexa doesn’t seem to notice her distress, as most around her and Clarke is chalking that up to her hiding it well, because she really is trying. She doesn’t want to make anyone miss the fireworks they love so much and she doesn’t want her friends to worry about her, she doesn’t want to be a party pooper either, as Octavia always puts it when she refuses to hang out with them on this day.

But she can see Lincoln lighting a firework and she really doesn’t want to be here, she can’t stop her breathing from picking up as she watches the inevitable burn down to the exploding light of color and she doesn’t want to be here when it goes off but she forces herself to stand in her place, feeling the fear tighten her chest uncomfortably.

She really hates this.

“Clarke,” She lets her eyes snap toward Lexa as that soft voice washes over her and soothes her as best it can in a moment like this and she tries to smile at her but she must looked pained because Lexa is closer, her eyebrows knit together with concern as she grabs for her hand. “Are you okay?” She asks softly, her eyes examining the features of her face as if she’ll find some wound there that she can heal and treat.

It’s precious and for a few good seconds, Clarke completely forgets about the fireworks. Until its going _boom_ in the next second and exploding the sky with its colors and Clarke squeaks, jumping to the sound and wrapping her arms around the brunette girl’s neck to hide from them like the brunette could be an effective shield and save her from all the bad and scary things in the world.

Really, Clarke just feels safe in her arms. And Lexa doesn’t seem to question her, just wraps her own arms around Clarke and holds her as another one goes off, making Clarke press closer into Lexa as she tries to hide, and stifle her squeak. They are loud and Clarke hates them, but Lexa makes her feel secure as she rubs her back and mumbles a soft. “It’s okay,” in her ear until her breathing is controlled, though she jumps at each _bang_ from the fireworks.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke tries to say but Lexa just pulls her closer, cutting off any of her apologies and of course Lexa would. She is selfless, sweet Lexa whom Clarke likes so very much.

“Shush you’re okay.” She kisses her head as another _bang_ comes and Clarke squeezes her eyes shut to fall into the feeling of Lexa rather than her fear. “You’re safe.” The brunette says softly and it’s so soothing, calming Clarke in ways nobody else has ever calmed her before, not even Raven when she does her braids. “I got you.” She says in much the same way she had the first time she had lifted Clarke in her arms, in the same way Clarke had in the elevator and does every time they enter an elevator together. Because Lexa is afraid of tight spaces, and Clarke is afraid of fireworks. “Let’s get away from the fireworks, that’s what upset you right?” Clarke only nods in her neck, feeling slightly guilty as Lexa suddenly lifts her up to carry her back in the house.

She can walk. She goes to protest that, a soft “Lex,” falling from her lips.

But Lexa just shakes her head. “I got you,” She says again, a soft smile on her face as another loud _boom_ goes off in the background making Clarke squeeze the girl tighter, as if she can’t get her close enough. Lexa carries Clarke into the house, away from the dreaded fireworks. She sits down on a sofa in the living room that has some sports game onscreen and leaves Clarke in her lap, holding her close as the explosions persist outside. “Want me to close the door?” She asks softly but Clarke shakes her head, because the idea of Lexa leaving her at all is something that panics her.

She sighs softly as Lexa rubs her back and kisses her head again and rests back against the couch her eyes fixing on the screen as she holds Clarke close to her. She looks content herself in this position, even if Clarke does feel slightly guilty about taking her from all the lights that everyone else finds so pretty.

“I know it’s stupid,” Clarke mumbles quietly.

Lexa shakes her head. “No it’s not.”

“It is.” Clarke says more firmly, and Lexa doesn’t fight her on this, letting her say what she needs as she rubs her back. “I shouldn’t be afraid of them.” She sighs jumping slightly as they sound loudly again, the door being open not effectively shutting it out quite the same way they do in her apartment.

Lexa breathes against the skin of her forehead and Clarke feels it travel through her, a small piece of her wishing she could sit up and kiss her, something she’s been thinking about a lot lately. Something she can’t stop thinking about actually. “Why are you, or is it like being afraid of tight spaces? You don’t actually know, you just are?” Lexa’s fingers are warm as they lift Clarke’s shirt to glide under and across her bare back and Clarke shivers to the feeling, holding Lexa tighter for entirely different reasons as her belly flips pleasantly.

Her fingers are warm against her skin and caress her softly and for a second, she loses her train of thought, completely forgets what Lexa had even said beforehand. But she quickly pulls herself out of the daze, finding an answer in her fogged up brain. “When I was four we had a malfunction firework and it whizzed past my head and went off behind me but I don’t think that counts.” Clarke smiles slightly as Lexa lips press to her forehead with another loud _boom_ in the background. Clarke doesn’t jump this time, distracted by Lexa’s touch and Lexa’s soft kisses to her forehead and attentiveness to her needs.

God, Lexa is perfect and Clarke is falling.

“It could, were you scared?” The brunette’s voice is so soft and low as if this conversation has to be had quietly because it’s only for them, only between the both of them. Nobody else and nothing else matters and Clarke wonders how in this world she is every supposed to not have a crush on Lexa Woods when the girl is the exact definition of flawless.

“Yeah, but I think I was already scared of it before that.” She admits quietly, trying to snuggle herself closer to Lexa but she’s not sure she could get closer even if she tried.

“They scare you and that’s a perfectly valid thing Clarke.” Lexa’s voice is strong and reassuring and Clarke can’t help the small chuckle that leaves her at the sound. She’s being so good to her, as she always is, and Clarke is so scared that Lexa will find out how much she likes her, how much she wants her and not want to be her friend anymore, not want to be around her anymore. She thinks that maybe Lexa must feel something for her, it seems like it, but she doesn’t know how any of that would work and Clarke is… not in the place to tell Lexa of her feelings or even be confronted about them.

But now is not the time for her to worry about that. Not when Lexa is touching her so softly and pressing kisses to her skin so delicately and saying all the right things quietly so only she can hear because this conversation is only theirs. “I’m sorry you’re missing them, you don’t have to stay with me.”

“I’m not going to do that.” Lexa sounds stern as she says it, hugging Clarke closer and doing that thing again where she hums a soft low familiar tune in her ear and Clarke can’t fight it when her eyelids flutter shut. Lexa’s fingertips still soothingly gliding across her back and she can hear the vibrations of Lexa’s hum in her ear that leans against her collarbone.

“I’m going to fall asleep if you keep doing that.” Clarke mumbles, trying to force her eyes back open as Lexa’s actions persist.

“That’s okay; I’ll still be here when you wake up.” The brunette promises, making Clarke’s heart flutter in weird ways that it never has before.

“Promise?” Clarke asks and means to say it almost teasingly, but it instead comes out slightly desperate. She doesn’t know what’s wrong with her but she does know how very much she likes Lexa, so much that she can’t fight it, that Lexa makes her feel safe even when she’s just standing close to her. She doesn’t want Lexa to let her go and she can’t really think of a reason right now why she shouldn’t just tell Lexa that.

“I promise _Clarke_.” _Oh_ when she does that, says her name like that, in that way that makes her body ache and a shiver shoot down her spine. She loves it when Lexa says her name like that, a soft “hum” leaves her as she does, snuggling closer to Lexa as she continues to mumble a song in her ear and run her fingers down her bare back across her skin. It is so nice to be wrapped up like this in her arms; the blonde is sure there is no better feeling then this one. No better feeling then being cared for by the pretty brunette girl in this way. She wonders how Lexa is with her other friends, if she’s only like this with her. A small piece of her hopes that this part is only for her, as the thought of Lexa holding anyone else in the way that she holds Clarke makes her stomach twist with jealousy.

Lexa Woods is her kind of perfect.

 

***

 

“So are you going to see Luna again?” Clarke asks Raven as she lounges against the girl’s couch, watching the spinning of the girl’s fan on the ceiling.

Raven looks at her and rolls her eyes, but it’s an affectionate roll, as her and Clarke love to tease each other about their crushes, Clarke’s being Lexa whom she surprisingly hadn’t heard too much about since their talk about the blonde’s feelings a few months ago, and Raven apparently being Luna, at least that’s what Clarke thinks.

Raven doesn’t plan on correcting her either, Luna is pretty and she makes Raven laugh but they don’t have anything serious going on and she’s not looking for serious very much. She’s too busy with the garage right now and she’s never been a big relationship person, not since college anyway. She and Clarke had that in common.

“You keep asking, but my answer is always no.” Raven lifts the girl’s legs so she can take a seat on her sofa under them, and lets them come to rest in her lap, grabbing her remote from the table stand beside her and flipping the television on. She smiles over at Clarke as the blonde stretches along the couch with a soft yawn.

“What about Anya?” Clarke asks with a hint of a smile and Raven finds her own drops pretty quickly.

Anya, who’s she’s been trying not to think about. She’s been good about not mentioning her either, so she doesn’t know why Clarke is looking at her like that. “What about her?” She tries to sound casual, but she’s pretty sure her heart is always in sync with Clarke’s and the blonde can just feel how it rapidly starts beating at just the name.

“You like her don’t you, this whole time I thought you liked Luna but you were just using her as a cover.” Clarke sounds accusing but Raven tries her best to give nothing away to the pretty blonde girl beside her.

“What are you talking about crazy?” She chuckles slightly, avoiding eye contact. “Anya and I are friends.” She tries to say it in a way that doesn’t sound like she’s disappointed but she is… Anya would never like her like that anyway. That girl is entirely and completely out of her league.

“Right. Friends.” Clarke rolls her eyes. “You could have told me you know; instead I had to find out from Lexa.”

“How does Lexa know,” Raven immediately defends, feeling a scoff leave her throat as the horror of the statement travels through her. She never confided in Lexa about anything like this. Why the hell would she? She and Lexa weren’t even necessarily friends. She liked her as a person, she thought she was pretty and she approved of how she cared for Clarke, but she isn’t about to spill any secrets toward the brunette girl.

Does Anya know? Did Anya tell Lexa and she just figured it out by looking at her? Maybe she did, fuck; she thought she was doing so well at hiding it.

“Lexa’s very intuitive.” Clarke shrugs.

“If she was intuitive she’d be able to pick up on your massive girl crush then.” Raven snaps, teeth grinding at the possibility of Anya and Lexa possibly knowing of her feelings after she’s worked so hard to hide them. It’s beyond irritated her and she finds that glaring at the television screen in front of her isn’t really doing anything to settle her uprising emotions.

“I honestly don’t know how she hasn’t.” Clarke moans slightly, hands falling against her face as she sinks into the couch. “I can’t control myself around her.” The blonde sighs like a love-stricken teenager and it briefly relaxes Raven from her worrisome thoughts. She looks cute while she stresses over this new girl in her life and Raven can’t help but find it utterly amusing. It’s just Clarke’s luck that she’d fall in love with a girl… though she’s always known the blonde has had a preference for women, even if she prefers to pretend that she doesn’t.

“To be honest, I’m pretty sure she’d bow down to you. She looks at you like you’re a fucking queen, it’s kind of nauseating.” Raven rolls her brown eyes and watches as Clarke’s pale cheeks tint pink at whatever thought suddenly surfacing in her head.

She doesn’t seem to want to say it out loud however. Settling on, “I am a queen,” her tone is that of reason and playfulness.

Raven pinches her leg, causing a soft yelp to leave the blonde. “You’re a dork.” She teases and watches as Clarke sighs heavily and props up on her elbows. She looks serious again and Raven doesn’t like it because she knows Clarke isn’t done pressing and Raven doesn’t at all want to talk about this anymore. It’s useless when Anya will never return her feelings and it’s not like even if she did they’d date anyways, Raven’s not much the type to date.

“Do you like Anya? You know you can tell me.” Clarke says softly, sincerely and Raven feels the speed of her heartbeat increase so quickly she isn’t sure if it’s not going to start walking on its own.

She releases a defeated sigh. “I do.” She mumbles quietly and feels the blush rush across her cheeks before she can possibly try and contain it. She hasn’t said that out loud before, not even to herself, and that unfortunately makes this situation all the more real.

“That’s great, you should ask her out and,”

“No Clarke, I don’t have time to date and she’d never feel that way for me. She’s like this sexy lawyer chick and I’m just, I mean I know I’m hot, don’t get me wrong.” Raven snorts slightly, her normal confidence oozing its way into the conversation. “But I don’t think I’m at all her type.”

“Awe Raven, you most certainly are.” Clarke sits up and scoots over to her, removing her legs from her lap to pull the girl into a hug. “You’re perfect, beautiful and strong and kind. She’d be crazy not to like you back.” Clarke mumbles encouragingly as Raven sighs into her neck and falls into the embrace.

“Maybe,” She pouts slightly.

“Don’t be afraid to be happy Rav,” Clarke mumbles and Raven can’t help but squeeze the girl in her arms a bit tighter. She is precious and her best friend and by god if she didn’t love her more than anything else on this planet.

“I love you Clarke.” She says softly, letting herself fall into the embrace a bit longer before Clarke pulls away.

“I love you too,” She smiles at her that soft famous Griffin smile that melts everyone’s heart. “Let’s go get pizza.” And Raven can’t resist agreeing when the girl looks so happy at the mere mention of it. Plus it saves her from having to think about Anya anymore or having to talk about her so she’s quick to hop up off the couch, Clarke by her side in an instant.

 

***

 

“Hey Lexa, I need to talk to you.” Clarke barges into Lexa’s trailer, having watched her arrive she knows how the girl likes to set her things down in here before leaving to prepare for her scenes. She would usually knock, but her nerves are ten-folds over and she knows if she doesn’t set this idea into motion now, she might chicken out and never do it, and if she doesn’t do it, she doesn’t get to kiss Lexa and she really wants to kiss Lexa. She wants to kiss her all the time and she doesn’t want to worry about the possible consequences of the action.

“Clarke,” Lexa says sounding a bit amused as she sees the girl slam her way into the room, letting the door shut loudly behind her. “Anxious?” She asks simply, pulling herself up from the soft fluff of cushions on the bed in the back of the trailer where she had been sitting, looks like she had been going through the script, the paper unstapled and atop her covers. She makes her way over to the blonde, who has stopped in her place to check her over.

Lexa’s face is devoid of make-up, something she often does when she first arrives, leaving it clean for the make-up artists when she knows she’s going to be shooting all day. But she still looks stunning to Clarke.

 _Absolutely fucking perfect_.

Lexa’s in completely casual clothing, tight jeans, a knitted sweater, but god does Clarke find her beautiful. She looks like a goddess as she descends toward her and Clarke doesn’t know if maybe her mind is thinking this way because of what she plans to ask her or if it’s just hard not to realize how incredibly beautiful Lexa is, at all times, no matter what she’s wearing or how she looks. And she does look so good. “A bit, I was wondering if we could talk about… you know, the planned events for the show and our characters and,” Her voice shakes as she tries to stumble through her words because she’s nervous.

This is probably a dumb idea, but kissing Lexa is the goal and she gets to kiss Lexa this way. If the brunette says yes, that is.

“You’re babbling, of course we can, what’s bothering you?” Lexa moves back to the cushions in the back of the room and pats the seat beside her, spurring Clarke into immediate action as she shoots across the space quickly, landing with a plop beside Lexa. Though being close to her brings on a sense of comfort, she can feel her nerves increase at the growing proximity of her question and what that could mean for their future relationship.

“That’s the thing, you know how I told you I’ve never played a roll like this or that I’ve never,”

“been with a girl, yeah.” Lexa nods, her voice sounding a bit odd as she says it and Clarke wonders what that means, but she doesn’t have time to dwell on it, clearly focused on the plan that had formulated in her mind. She’s been waiting to ask this for months, she had to just do it, she had too. “I swear you’ll be fine, just play the character the way you see her, and,”

“No Lexa, can I make a suggestion?” Clarke turns toward her and she’s got that look on her face that she gets when she’s serious about something and she knows Lexa knows that look, and feels her nerves grow when Lexa realizes just how serious she is. Her mouth snaps shut and she turns toward Clarke as well, gracing the girl with her full attention and attentiveness.

_Just go for it Griffin._

“I was thinking we could practice that stuff, together, you know like when we rehearse scenes but instead it’s just the… kissing part?” Lexa’s eyes grow wide for a moment but Clarke holds her ground. If Lexa rejects this idea then she has to accept that, she’s already prepared for it and rehearsed an apology, and she thinks she’s going to have to use it before Lexa starts to speak again.

“You want to practice kissing me?” Lexa asks her voice cracks a little but Clarke isn’t sure if that’s because she’s nervous or because it’s morning and Lexa’s voice is always a little scratchy in the mornings.

Clarke knows she is nervous, very, very nervous, and she can’t read Lexa’s expression or her mind and _man would it be useful to be able to read minds right now_. “Yes?” She wanted to say it confidently, but it came out as more of a question and she couldn’t stop it from doing so. If Lexa rejects this then she has to immediately mend over their friendship, in hopes to keep it in place.

She doesn’t think the suggestion will ruin their current relationship. She has plenty of naive excuses to make if it seems to go down that route, though she doesn’t wish to have to use any of those. “Clarke,”

“You don’t have to say yes, we don’t have to, I just thought… so it would be natural and the chemistry would be good and I would know what I’m doing, like,”

“Okay Clarke, relax.” Lexa’s hand places against her knee and she has to force herself to hide the reaction the touch causes in her body, much in the way she always does when Lexa touches her. The brunette’s palm squeezes around her knee and she knows she tenses because she can’t help it. That action always stirs up something heavy in the pit of her stomach and she wishes that she could control but she knows she can’t. Lexa has a power over her body that nobody else has. It’s something she doesn’t understand, but she knows it’s there and that’s why she’s thought of this plan. After going over it again and again in her head this was the best she could do and she knows it’s probably dumb, it sounded dumb as she had said it out loud, but she can’t at all help herself. She wants to kiss Lexa, so very badly.

“Do you want to or do you not want to?” Clarke asks softly, almost sheepishly and watches as Lexa looks away from her and thinks for a long silent moment.

God is the silence suffocating as the pretty brunette girl ponders over Clarke’s suggestion. She looks beautiful and her lips look extra plump today for some reason, maybe Clarke just really wants to kiss her and that’s why, but part of her can’t take her eyes off them, even as Lexa turns back toward her. She really wants her to say yes, she really, really does.

“This is practice, to help you be less nervous about everything?” Lexa asks softly, quizzically with one of her sexy eyebrows rising with her words. Clarke’s eyes follow the action before she can stop herself.

The blonde nods once and watches the thoughts race through Lexa’s mind. She wonders what’s going on in that head of hers. She really wishes she could read it, only for this moment, but she can’t. She can’t and has to wait painfully for the girl to answer her.

She bites her bottom lip and Clarke’s breathe catches as she watches her do it, wishing very badly that her desire would not be so blatantly obvious right now. If Lexa rejects her suggestion and Clarke is looking at her like this, that’s going to make mending and excuses utterly useless for her. “Just the kissing? That’s what we’re practicing, just kissing?”

“Yeah, for the most part,” Clarke feels her nerves increase. Just kissing for now was the plan, she hadn’t really thought much ahead of that. “maybe you can tell me about how girlfriends are with each other?” _maybe you can show me_. But she leaves that part out willingly.

“Like I’d be your practice girlfriend?” Lexa asks curiously and the question makes Clarke visibly wince.

God does that sound bad though Clarke likes the idea of Lexa and her girlfriend being together as a thing. She opts not to say that though as she shakes her head. “No, I mean, no. I didn’t mean it like that.” She says with a breath puffing up out of her chest as she struggles to unscramble her worried thoughts. It sounded so bad when she said it like that, how, or what does she say? Is that really what she’s asking for? That’s not what she wants.

“Oh I’m just trying to understand what you want, I’m okay with it.” Lexa says, and Clarke watches the soft flush of pretty cheeks turn pink, almost amazed and in complete shock at Lexa’s reply. Her heart beat loud and in her ears as Lexa looks at her as well. She looks almost shy, her face completely bright pink and god does she look so pretty when she blushes like that. It’s so noticeable when she’s not wearing any make-up.

“You’re what?” Clarke chokes slightly and curses herself for being such a ball of nerves around a pretty girl.

“I’m okay with it, I mean yes, I’ll be your practice girlfriend or kisser or whatever it is that you want.” Lexa smiles slightly, shyly and Clarke loves that smile. Clarke loves that smile and god does she love the words leaving Lexa’s mouth. She thought Lexa was going to say no, even as she contemplated over it she thought she’d reject her… she hardly knew what to do now with a yes. She hadn’t been expecting one at all.

She wants to kiss her but she holds the urge back. “Oh good, I honestly thought you were going to say no… I don’t have anything prepared for the yes answer.” Clarke laughs nervously at herself, shuffling her hands through her hair to brush the strands out of her face. Her nerves have not dissipated even though Lexa has given her, her answer and she doesn’t know why that is. She gets to kiss Lexa now; she gets to kiss Lexa whenever she wants… at least when they’re alone that is.

Her stomach flips at just the thought and she fights back a smile as if to not appear too eager. “Do you want me to say no?” Lexa asks suspiciously and Clarke immediately shook her head.

“Yes, I mean no, I wanted you to say yes.” Clarke breathes out quickly. “I just thought you’d say no and that I’d embarrass myself and mess everything up which I’m doing right now by talking too much I’m sorry. I,”

Clarke is cut off by soft lips crashing into her own and she can’t stop the sigh of relief that leaves her throat at the feeling. Like a pleasant wave crashing through her and sending signals through her body that she cannot control, gripping Lexa’s face in her hands and kissing her back with just as much passion, moaning slightly as Lexa’s teeth dig into her bottom lip.

Kissing Lexa causes a sensation low in her belly to spark, like fire igniting and burning her up and she doesn’t know why she always gets so needy when it happens but she does. And god does Lexa know how to fucking kiss a girl. Sucking at her bottom lip and stealing all of Clarke’s breathe like this is all she can think about too and Clarke for a moment thinks that that’s true… she must think about it a little to accept her suggestion, to kiss her so suddenly, to kiss her like this.

Or maybe Lexa is just a very good actress and an extremely good friend. Clarke isn’t completely sure about either. All she knows is that kissing Lexa is the best feeling in this world and she can’t stop the sigh that leaves her as Lexa’s tongue brushes against her bottom lip before dipping slightly into her mouth. She opens her mouth for her, but its Clarke’s tongue that brushes against Lexa’s first, feeling her hands shake as a soft sound is released from the back of Lexa’s throat.

A sound that Clarke wants to hear again and again and again.

“What were you saying?” Lexa asks after a moment, pulling away from Clarke slowly and watching the blonde as her eyelids flutter and struggle to open. She can’t possibly fathom why Lexa has stopped kissing her, and her mind is completely at a loss for anything other than Lexa, Lexa, Lexa. How could she possibly think about anything else when Lexa kisses so good and smells like flowers and makes sounds that make her body ache in ways she has never experienced before?

Lexa is a flame, and she is all too happy to follow it like a moth.

“I don’t remember.” She admits softly, causing an easygoing smile to spread across Lexa’s face and _god_ is it so pretty Clarke could paint it and she hasn’t painted or even wanted to paint since her father died.

“I’ll be your kiss buddy for as long as you need me, but I have to get ready now, I’m due in hair and make-up in ten minutes.” Lexa seems almost cheery as Clarke tries to gain control of herself, nodding her head and forcing herself to stand up from her seated position that had almost become a lying down position during their heated make-out session.

Kissing Lexa is so good. Clarke will never understand how she could possibly ever not want to kiss her. She tastes like nothing she’s ever tasted before. She tastes like summer, warm and full of promise. She’s so skillful in what she’s doing and Clarke feels silly because she hasn’t been doing much kissing lately, not with anyone. But Lexa, she can’t resist kissing Lexa, something about her so completely and utterly addictive.

 “Okay, I’ll see you later.” She stutters out. “Thanks Lexa,” She says softly but it sounds silly to say. The brunette doesn’t laugh at her though, just smiles wider and nods her head.

“Anything for you _Clarke_.” And _god_ , the way she says her name, she must know what it does to her. She must be aware of it. She has to be, the way her eyes twinkle at her as she finishes the name. It’s so sexy, the sexiest way Clarke has ever heard her name spoken, and she can’t stop the ache is causes between her legs.

She’s almost embarrassed by these thoughts, because they’re so inappropriate and she doesn’t feel like she has the right to think them… but yet again, Lexa kissed her today, Lexa agreed to kissing her for however long she will want, so maybe Clarke is not alone in thinking this way. She doesn’t know if she’s right about that, Lexa seems like the type to do anything for the people she cares about, she has for Clarke since they’ve met, always going out of her way for her. She could really think that she’s just helping Clarke, the blonde can’t help but feel slightly disappointed at that thought but she tries to brush it off, thinking herself silly since it was her idea to go along with this mindless plan anyway and she was already trying to complicate it and it hadn’t been more than two minutes.

Clarke goes to exit the door, vaguely aware of Lexa following her to it and she goes to say something again before she leaves because she feels like she needs too but than Lexa kisses her again, this time all soft and delicate and so fucking sweet that it makes Clarke’s knees want to give out from under her. Gasping slightly into the girl’s mouth as the brunette cups her cheeks.

The kiss is brief, and after a soft nip at Clarke’s bottom lip Lexa is pulling away again, a soft genuine smile on her face that Clarke finds to be stunning. “Girlfriends often say goodbye to each other with a kiss.” She informs and her tone almost sounds teasing, but Clarke can’t think much of it.

Her heart is pounding so very loudly in her ears.

“Noted.” Clarke croaks slightly, watching Lexa’s eyes darken slightly as she speaks the word. Her voice is low and raspy as it’s been doing around Lexa pretty often lately. She doesn’t know how it makes the older girl feel, but she likes the look she gets, so she makes a note in her head to use it more often when they’re alone, just to coax her into another make-out session, which Clarke is sure is going to happen if she doesn’t exit the trailer, and then they’ll make little Lexa late for hair and make-up.

“I’ll see you out there, Griffin.” Lexa’s tone is low too, her eyes all dark and pretty and on her mouth as Clarke pulls the door open behind her almost gracefully.

She smirks. “Later, Woods.” She winks at her and admires the soft blush the action causes before she’s hopping out of the brunette’s trailer and telling herself to not skip to her own.

Maybe this plan is going to work out better than she originally thought.


	5. I hope that it's enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday lovelies. This is my favorite chapter for this that I've written so far so I really hope you guys enjoy it. Thanks for waiting so patiently, this chapter is a monster as all the other have been so don't worry, you've got a lot to read. :) Enjoy.

##  _Fall, 2014_

Lexa can’t help the raise of her eyebrow as she stares at her friend and takes in the information she offers her. Costia hasn’t spoken to her in weeks and now here she was, at her doorstep with an uncharacteristically huge smile on her face and a surprise saying she’ll be on the show with Lexa. It’s not a bad thing, of course, they both had already talked about it long before the show started, Lexa had already gotten her in before casting was done for this part, but for some reason this just feels… _weird_.

Lexa wants to ask what the hell her problem is, but she reframes, instead, managing to offer Costia a rather fake smile and nods at her. “I’m glad.” She says stiffly and of course the other girl senses the action, notices stiffness in Lexa’s gaze and movements.

Her wide grin dropping as she struggles to obtain Lexa’s stare. “Lexa,” She says softly. “I’m sorry I’ve been distant lately… I just thought you’d want some space from me after,” She bites her lip and Lexa can’t help that her eyebrow seems to rise higher. She doesn’t get what this means. Her friend has been acting so weird lately and it’s beyond frustrating.

Lexa decides to be honest, letting her shoulders relax as she stares at the girl in front of her sincerely. “I just don’t understand what’s going on with you.” She examines her posture curiously, noticing how tense she seems. Costia hasn’t been this apprehensive around her since high school and she doesn’t know why or what could have brought on this sudden discomposure. She almost thinks that Costia assumes Lexa likes her again, if Lexa had been showing any signs of that, which she knows she hasn’t.

Lexa’s mind is far too fogged over with practice kissing Clarke and her current job to even think about Costia in that way, so she doesn’t understand this sudden need for ignoring her or the anxious posture in front of her. “I don’t like it when I make you mad.” Costia tangles a brown frizzy curl around her finger before meeting Lexa’s gaze again. Her hand dropping down in front of her to tangle with her other hand so she’s twisting her fingers almost nervously. “I didn’t mean too. I’m sorry.”

Lexa softens a moment. “It’s okay,” She widens her door for Costia to come in and watches as the girl hesitates a moment. She doesn’t get this action either. She’s been so odd lately, so very strange with her and it doesn’t make sense. Her being sorry and this behavior do no correlate in anyway. “Are you sure I didn’t do something to make you uncomfortable?” The brunette asks almost self-consciously, shutting the door calmly after the girl seems to decide to enter.

Costia’s head shakes immediately, dark skin glinting from the spot she stands near the window, with the sun bouncing off her. She looks pretty, she’s dressed up, something that Lexa only just notices. She’s still quite tense and with the sun glinting on her like that it only makes it all the more obvious. “No I promise Lexa, this is all me. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

Lexa isn’t convinced by that. Dark blue eyes say otherwise, but Lexa figures that she can’t make the girl talk if she’s not quite ready too. “You know you can talk to me if you need to,” She tries to offer the minimum amount of comfort that the girl will let her, watching as it sort of relaxes her, but only a small amount.

“I know, I just, I’m not ready to talk about it yet.” She mumbles, gaze dropping to look at her tangled fingers. The bag against her hip has papers sticking out of it and her tangled hands hover over it a moment as the silence increases in the room. Her gaze doesn’t rise from the floor.

Lexa lets out a soft sigh “Okay” and steps closer to the other girl. “Let’s just watch a movie then and go over your new script since you brought it with you.” She gestures to the girl’s hands that hover over thick amounts of paper in her bag.

Her shoulders relax significantly at this suggestion. “Yeah, that sounds good.” Costia smiles brightly at her, pulling the script from her bag at her hip and offering it over to Lexa who can’t help but return the girl’s bright grin, taking the sheets from her to look them over, briefly wondering for only a moment how Clarke is going to feel about working with her, knowing that the two no longer seem to really get along.

She’ll have to figure out a way to have them make peace with each other.

 

***

 

“So Costia’s working with us now?” Clarke asks a bit gloomily as they enter Lexa’s trailer for their lunch break. She knows she shouldn’t be so obvious about her discomfort at the situation but she’s a little tired and the thought of working with a girl who wants to “protect” Lexa from her just really bothers her. This had been her and Lexa’s dwelling and now here was Costia again, invading their time.

Clarke knows it’s not quite fair of her to think that way. From what Lexa had told her earlier, the two girls had spoken it over long before Lexa had even met Clarke, long before Clarke had even known of the show. But it still bothers her, even if it’s a little irrational. A part of her brain just thinks the other girl is doing this to create a rift like she had promised to do on Valentine’s Day. The thought is making her sick, so she pushes it down.

Instead she tries to focus on the fact that she is now alone with Lexa in her trailer, their designated “practice” spot. Usually she initiates conversation at first to keep her mind off of kissing, not wanting to look desperate or pressure Lexa into a “practice” session when she doesn’t want to have one, so she usually leaves it up to the brunette to initiate anything more intimate. She hasn’t exactly instigated anything like that once yet, and she isn’t sure that there will be a time that she does. She’s comfortable with letting Lexa lead at the moment; just so she knows that the girl is completely comfortable with their arrangement.

“I don’t understand you two.” Lexa chuckles slightly, setting the bag of food they had picked up on the countertop. As the brunette always does, she reaches up to grab plates and places them neatly down beside each other, spreading the food they had bought onto the plate in specific piles that don’t touch. It’s still a little odd but Clarke barely blinks at the action anymore, having grown completely used to it with how much time she spends with Lexa.

“What do you mean?” Clarke asks with a sigh as she rests her elbow against the countertop and rests her chin in the palm of her hand. She watches the curve of the girl’s brow as she focuses on organizing their plates and she can’t help but think about how incredibly pretty she is. Her face again bare and cleaned from make-up put on for an earlier scene that day, now awaiting more make-up for a different scene, is so very beautiful. Clarke thinks she, herself, looks awful without make-up but Lexa… Lexa just looks like a goddess.

“I mean,” Lexa rolls her eyes, pulling out the silverware necessary for their meal and placing them neatly on the side of each plate. “You both got along just fine when you first met. Now you can’t seem to stand each other.” Lexa sighs heavily like this situation has caused her a massive amount of stress and Clarke can’t help the cork of her lips at the action.

Lexa is just so cute.

She refuses to tell her why, knowing that the other girl is her friend and she really doesn’t want to cause any more problems than she can possibly cause on her own. She’s not creating sides in a battle she doesn’t even want to fight. “We just don’t get along very well, though I willingly tolerate her for you.” Clarke picks up her plate after Lexa has finished organizing it and follows Lexa to the bed in the back of the trailer where they both sit next to each other and begin to eat their lunch.

“I wish you guys got along.” Lexa grumps slightly, her disappointed sigh almost childish. It’s adorable and Clarke can’t help the small smile attaching itself to her lips before she can even manage a bite of her food.  “She’s my best friend, you’re my best friend, it would just make things easier.” And Clarke can’t help the small flutter of her heart at Lexa’s words.

A giant smile is on her face before she can even think about controlling it. “That is the first time you’ve ever called me that.” She’s looking at the girl with absolute glee, she knows it, and when Lexa looks at her confused she knows the brunette girl doesn’t even realize what she has said.

They both don’t really talk about feelings very often. “What?”

“Your best friend.” She informs and watches Lexa blush a deep shade of red. Clarke can’t help that she finds it utterly adorable, her heart beating hard and happily in her chest as she stares at the girl that has quickly become very important to her. She’s grinning at her widely and leans over to place a sloppy kiss against the girl’s cheek before she focuses back on her food. She’s rather hungry; she kind of wants to eat before Lexa initiates anything. “You’re mine too.” Clarke admits quietly feeling her chest tighten as she watches from the corner of her eye how Lexa looks at her.

Her gaze is so sincere and soft and Clarke wants nothing more than to throw her food aside and stare at those beautiful greens. It’s so easy to get lost in them, the most beautiful shade of any color to ever exist, her favorite thing to think about before falling asleep. So she sets her plate aside on the bed and meet Lexa’s soft gaze and she melts. She melts because Lexa looking at her like that has become her absolute favorite thing. She only ever looks this vulnerable when their alone and Clarke silently basks in the knowledge that Lexa is comfortable enough with her to show this kind of vulnerability when she would hide it from anyone else.

“I’m really hungry.” Lexa says after a moment, holding the side of her plate and the fork hovering over the potato salad. Clarke just holds her gaze, watching as her eyes struggle to stay in place, and Clarke wonders what she’s thinking, what’s going through her head.

“Then eat.” And she doesn’t mean to say it so low like that. She knows the desired affect she wants from the action but she’s hungry too. She didn’t want to do this until after they’d eaten. But now Lexa’s eyes are that shade darker than normal again, the same way they get whenever Clarke’s voice drops that low and the blonde isn’t sure that either one of them are going to last much longer in this small space without kissing each other senseless. They already fight is so much anyways, even though Clarke had designed this plan so they wouldn’t have too, they both still fight it until it’s impossible.

Clarke’s hand is shaking as she reaches over very carefully because she knows how Lexa is with her stuff and takes the plate from her. Her gaze stays locked with Lexa’s. This is the first time she’s really taken much of an action toward something like this beside when they are already in the moment. She thinks it’s cute that Lexa has to break their gaze only for a second to place the fork neatly on the side of the plate before Clarke completely takes it away from her and places it next to her own beside her. Lexa’s gaze is back on her own in a flash and that heavy feeling between them is back full force as they stare at each other, intentions clear.

They both want this; at least, that’s what Clarke hopes.

Neither one of them moves despite the desire too. The silence increases between them but their thoughts are along similar lines, stares breaking from each other only briefly to dive toward lips that have parted with anticipation. Clarke can think of nothing more than being able to kiss the girl in front of her in this very moment, long and hard and for the rest of lunch because this is her preferred activity.  How could she want to do anything else when Lexa is looking at her so very softly, so very wantonly?

So she doesn’t wait much longer for Lexa to make the move. She dives forward without much thought and kisses her and feels Lexa’s gasp into her mouth and it’s like every piece of her can only be soothed by this sound. Shaky fingers tangle in long wavy brown hair that’s so soft and smells so sweet. She doesn’t think of much as she sucks at the girl’s bottom lip and feels the way her hands tremble at her back, fingers tightening along the thin shirt she wears. She pushes her tongue against teeth until Lexa’s twisting into a better position and opening her mouth to her.

Clarke is always first to initiate tongue, and she can never help the soft “hmm” that leaves her every time she feels her tongue against her own. Their kisses always feel all-consuming, and each one is always more intense then the last, making any rational thoughts in Clarke’s brain nearly impossible, especially when Lexa is trying to pull her closer almost desperately and her hands have nearly made their way under her shirt.

Clarke is climbing into Lexa’s lap in the next few seconds without much thought, fingers still tangled tightly in the girl’s hair as she deepens the kiss feeling Lexa sigh and finally glide her perfect hands along her spine. Another “hmm” leaves Clarke before she can help it and her body melts to the girl’s touches, creating a fire in the pit of Clarke’s stomach that she’s growing quite used to feeling.

Kissing Lexa makes Clarke feel things she can’t even describe in her mind, the neediness of the action, the taste of her mouth; it’s all addictive, inevitable that they end up like this. Their chemistry, their desires always matching, it’s hard to resist each other even when they are not alone. They belong together like this, that’s something that Clarke can’t deny as Clarke’s fingers slide down Lexa’s neck and she feels the girl’s shaky breath against her mouth, a soft moan, a beautiful sound, leaving the girl’s throat as she brushes her ear.

Just as Clarke is growing braver, pushing Lexa back against the bed so she rests her back against the mattress and Clarke can mold her body on top of the girl’s own and listen to a soft moan leave her throat and travel through Clarke’s own body, because they fit so perfectly together, there’s a loud knock on Lexa’s trailer door, making them both part briefly to look at the door as if it’s something they both wish death on.

Clarke decides that whatever the person on the outside of the trailer door is knocking for isn’t important enough to keep her from Lexa, and finds her lips trailing across Lexa’s jawline, tongue peeking out to taste her skin, and by god if Clarke doesn’t find it heavenly. Lexa moans and weakly pushes at Clarke’s thighs as another knock sounds its way through the trailer and Clarke can’t help the annoyed grunt that leaves her throat as she rests her head against Lexa’s collarbone, slumping into her body slightly as she struggles to gain control of her heavy breathing.

Lexa feels nice under her like this, fits her so very perfectly in all the ways that a person is meant to fit with another. She won’t say that out loud to Lexa, she know she can’t. But she can’t help but think it as Lexa’s arms come to rest around her waist loosely to keep her in this very position. It’s just something else that feels inevitable and Clarke can’t think of one reason that they shouldn’t lay like this together more often.

Lexa’s voice is low and raspy when she finally speaks. “I need to get that.” Her breaths deep and heavy, a clear indication of what they both have been up to while the visitor on the other side of the trailer door stands and waits for one of them to answer. Both their lips chapped and swollen, their cheek flushed. If they open the door right now, it would be obvious to whoever is on the outside that they had interrupted something. So they give it a few more minutes, a couple more knocks until Clarke is climbing off her “practice” girlfriend (Lexa has resorted to calling herself that) and makes her way down the trailer toward the door. But not without Lexa’s hands slightly protesting, tightening her grip on the girl’s waist so she has to struggle a bit to escape, but not much. It causes a giggle to erupt from her throat that attaches a very beautiful smile onto Lexa’s mouth that Clarke would literally give up her career to see again and again.

She almost laughs out loud when she finally gets to the trailer door to open it to reveal Costia standing on the outside because of course it would be her. Of all the people to interrupt them, why wouldn’t it be her? She doesn’t laugh though, just stares at her for a silent moment, feeling the twist of her stomach she normally gets when her nerves start to take over and averts her gaze from ever meeting the other girl’s. “I suppose you want to talk to Lexa so I’ll step out.” She gestures forward to indicate the action she’d like to make, but Costia is stopping her with a shake of her head before she can move onward.

“Actually I wanted to talk to you.” The girl in front of her looks nervous as well, slightly sheepish as if she’s embarrassed and Clarke wonders if maybe she knows what her and Lexa were doing… but then she doubts that, as Costia’s past interactions with her suggest she’d be a lot angrier if she knew.

“Oh?” The blonde asks suspiciously; weary of having a conversation alone with the girl after their recent encounters.

Costia seems to catch on to this and she’s quick to reassure. “I promise I’m not going to like… yell at you or threaten you or anything.” She again gives her another rather sheepish smile and Clarke, still suspicious, nods once. She looks down the hall at Lexa who’s propped up on her elbows looking at her now, her lips still swollen from kissing and Clarke finds that stepping away from her is rather hard. She thinks that’s kind of silly, she sees Lexa all the time, but it doesn’t change that she’d rather spend most of her seconds in the girl’s presence. Plus if Costia hadn’t interrupted they’d still be kissing and Clarke really wants to get back to that as quickly as Costia will let her.

Lexa nods at her encouragingly and Clarke takes that courage and tries to breathe it in with the deep inhalation that she takes to soothe her nerves. She steps out, shutting the door behind her but not advancing very far from the trailer, hoping to escape inside if Costia wants to have a more passive aggressive conversation.

Costia doesn’t though. “I wanted to apologize to you actually,” Costia’s fingers tangle through some of her hair briefly, a nervous habit maybe. “I’ve known Lexa since high school… and we didn’t always, we weren’t always this close… Lexa… She’s been through a lot and sometimes I get, I guess since we got close I’ve gotten a bit protective of her because of her past… our past and I just… I think, what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry for what I said to you and how I’ve treated you. It’s not fair, Lexa cares about you and you clearly care about her and it was wrong of me to act like, to treat you like you would hurt her.” Costia lets out a deep breath as if she had just been on a mile run and Clarke can’t help the curve of her eyebrow as she takes in the girl’s speech.

Clarke is a bit taken aback at the apology but she listens calmly, watching Costia’s nervous hand movements and trying to keep herself unruffled in the process, without showing that she too is a bit anxious to be standing in front of her. “Lexa had a hard time in school, didn’t she?” Clarke asks softly, her thoughts wandering to a younger version of the brunette girl in her head. Someone sad and alone and it makes her heart ache in an incredibly severe way. A part of her wants to march right back into the trailer and just hold Lexa even though she doesn’t know the story; she does know that Lexa in pain is something she hates to imagine.

“I can’t really talk about it. It’s something I think she should tell you but… No, not really. I wasn’t… the best to her back then either, nobody was, and I guess I’ve always spent a lot of my time telling myself now that I would keep her from hurting anymore, I just want her to be happy and safe and…” Costia stops for a second seeming to think if she should say what she wants to say before ultimately deciding and trudging on. “I think she might like you a little bit, a lot more than she’d ever let on. I just don’t want her to get hurt, and I know you don’t feel that way for her so please just… be careful with her. She’s strong but, I don’t know. Sometimes I think she’s a lot weaker than she lets on.”  Costia’s eyes are full of sincerity and worry in much the way a friend would and should worry. But there is something else in them too, something Clarke had seen the moment she stepped out of the trailer and was just now trying to comprehend.

“I won’t hurt her.” Clarke says almost more confidently than she feels. It earns a look from Costia, one not completely trusting, not completely believing, but the girl nods at her anyway. “I,” Clarke bites her lip a second. “I’ll look out for her too. I really care about her; I don’t want her to get hurt either.” She admits softly, honestly. She wants Costia to know that she will do what she can to always make Lexa happy. She wants Costia to know how much she cares about Lexa without actually having to say the words.

Whatever look she’s offering her, it seems to help this goal, a soft delicate smile forming on the other girl’s lips. “She has a way of worming herself into your heart doesn’t she?” Costia laughs a little but there’s not much humor in it and it grants a curious look from the blonde girl. There’s something off about Costia’s speech, something she’s clearly not saying, maybe she doesn’t have the courage too but it doesn’t take Clarke long to figure it out.

It’s obvious, to most, but especially to Clarke because she too looks that way when talking about Lexa or even just thinking about her.

“She’s special.” Clarke smiles softly, looking up at one of the trailer windows to see if Lexa might be close or listening in; she supposes she might be so she’ll be vague. “But I bet you know that already don’t you?” And Clarke doesn’t intend on listening to the answer when she offers her a knowing look, one that makes Costia just stare at her for a long moment, a deep blush flushing dark skin and Clarke can admit that Costia really is very pretty.

Even if her stomach twists in a sickening way at the thought of her being with Lexa like that… Lexa, who she loves to kiss, whose smile makes her smile, whose laugh is like music, and touch is like fire. She wonders how long Costia has realized these feelings for Lexa, and a small part of her feels like she should be the one to step away, as they’ve been friends longer. But she immediately, with a twisting heart, shuts that idea out. She’s here now and she wants to be in Lexa’s life. That’s not going to change.

“You can’t tell her.” Costia seems slightly panicked. “What we’ve been through… it would just... don’t tell her.” She looks distraught as she reasons, her hands doing that nervous motion up in her hair again.

“I won’t tell her.” Clarke offers sincerely. “It’s not my place.” And then Clarke can’t stop herself from thinking, an array of emotions surfacing through her until it’s aching her heart to even think this way much longer.

She wants to ask Lexa all about high school, all about her history with the girl in front of her. She wants to know these things about Lexa’s life that the brunette hasn’t shared with her yet but she knows she can’t just ask her these questions. She wants Lexa to trust her with the information, to want to tell her, to know that it’s okay to tell her, so she needs to show Lexa that she can trust her with these parts of herself. She needs to focus on what’s best for Lexa, rather than what she wants now if she wants to keep the brunette in her life because that’s how she does it. By being someone Lexa can look to when everything else seems to be letting her down.

“Maybe you should tell her.” Is not at all what Clarke wants to say. In fact, she immediately regrets uttering the statement because the last thing she wants is to encourage Lexa to be with anyone else, to encourage anyone else to try and be with Lexa… _her_ Lexa. But telling Lexa wouldn’t mean that they would be together, but if it did, Lexa would be happy and that’s important to Clarke. She can’t be with Lexa the same way that Costia can…or anyone else can for that matter. Her life, her feelings, her thoughts just don’t allow it. If Costia made her happy, she wouldn’t get in the way of that, even if it hurt her… and she can tell by the way her heart squeezes in her chest how badly it would hurt.

“I can’t do that,” Costia smiles briefly, and Clarke isn’t going to push her too because selfishly she really doesn’t want Costia to tell her, no matter all the possible outcomes. “I’ll let you get back to your lunch break. I just wanted to say I was sorry and I hope that we can… maybe be friends at some point.”

Clarke offers her a smile but she’s aware it doesn’t touch her eyes. “Maybe, do you want to come in, we’re still eating, and we’ve got extras.”

“Oh no, you guys were… it’s your time.”

Clarke rolls her eyes. “She’s both our friend, we can spend time with her at the same time. She’d probably really like it if we tried.” The blonde steps up and opens the door, offering with her hand for Costia to head in and watching as the girl blushes slightly and nods her head, lifting herself up into the trailer. Clarke takes a moment at the door, a deep breath before following her.

Lexa does like it, it makes her smile, and that is enough for Clarke. Getting along with Costia is important to Lexa too, and it sure would make her job easier. If the other girl is willing to try, she should be willing to try too.

 

***

 

Lexa is not quite sure which is weirder, Costia and Clarke getting along or Costia and Clarke hanging out without Lexa beside them. She was pretty sure that the pair just agreed to get along for her; she didn’t think they’d actually try much beyond toleration. She was okay with that, she just didn’t want them to be rude to each other, to actively avoid each other like they each were the plague like they had been doing… well they aren’t doing that anymore, but for some reason Lexa finds it… bizarre.

She probably shouldn’t but it just nit-picks at something inside of her that she isn’t quite sure what is. Maybe she’s just confused, maybe it’s just because Clarke is Clarke and Costia is Costia and now that the two haven’t been getting along, them changing that just seems _wrong_? Like they shouldn’t mesh and when they do it’s just strange.

Lexa sighs heavily as she rolls her eyes at herself, dropping her head along the back of the couch cushion. Mostly she just wishes she could have Clarke to herself for a while because third wheeling a “not-date” with Anya and Raven wasn’t really her favorite activity and it was Saturday and Saturdays are Clarke’s… apparently unless Clarke is rehearsing scenes with Costia. Something they both could have done while at work, but apparently decided to reserve a day for it.

She knows Clarke gets nervous about her scenes, she likes to get them right, she likes the confidence practice instills in her and with so many scenes coming up with Costia it’s really not that weird that she’s decided to take the time to figure out how they are going to act it out together… Lexa still selfishly misses her.

“Stop moping Lexa, it doesn’t suit you.” Anya bites playfully, pushing at her knee to grab her attention and grinning too widely when Raven snorts out a bit of laughter.

The two were nauseating. It was only going to get worse once the blind bats actually started dating. “I’m not moping and don’t touch me.” Lexa wipes at her knee like Anya had left cooties and glares at the older girl for a long moment before turning her eyes back to the screen to stare blankly at it, missing Clarke.

“Yes you so are, you can handle one day without her.”

“Who, Clarke?” Raven perks up into the conversation like she fits naturally there, and of course Lexa’s not going to elaborate to the blonde’s best friend, that would just be stupid. Instead she crosses her arms along her chest and keeps her gaze on the television screen, a rather uninteresting movie picked out by Anya that Raven seemed more interested in than either of the other girls actually did.

Anya probably picked it for her, Lexa wouldn’t be surprised.

“Who else?” Anya snorts and Lexa can’t help the glare she snaps onto her friend the moment the words left her mouth.

“Shut up Anya.” She spits in her most unfriendly tone, still very much pouting.

“Clarke does the same thing too.” Raven snickers, grinning at Anya with obvious amusement and adoration.

Lexa just rolls her eyes because not only are they really annoying together, they really are rather sickening to watch. “You’re both annoying; I’m going for a walk.” The brunette grumbles under her breath, pulling herself from her sunken place in the couch.

“Sure, a walk, that’s where you’re going.” Anya teases further, only managing to agitate the brunette more, earning her one last death glare before she makes her way out of the apartment, ignoring Raven’s snickers to whatever Anya might be uttering under her breath.

Honestly, Lexa assumes the girls want to be alone anyway. Even if they don’t advance on any of their feelings they supposedly don’t have for each other. Lexa knows she’d much prefer to be alone with Clarke right now if she could. So why wouldn’t they be thinking the same thing about themselves?

Whatever it is, Lexa doesn’t have time to dwell on her friend’s obvious love stricken behavior, and she certainly doesn’t need to be teased about her stupid crush in front of her crushes best friend. That’s really the last thing she requires.

She figures she’ll just go home, go to bed early and catch up on sleep she hasn’t been getting because of late night shoots. Besides, she can see Clarke tomorrow and that will definitely be nice. Maybe she’ll kiss her too, outside of her trailer, they seem to be getting bolder, the both of them, about such an interaction. Clarke probably wouldn’t mind, she seems to like kissing her… or maybe she just likes kissing, or maybe Clarke is just a good actress and it really is all just practice like she said? Lexa really doesn’t know, but she does know that if she thinks about it too much she’s only going to convince herself that Clarke can’t possibly have any feelings for her whatsoever.

But that can’t actually be the case. If she didn’t, there’s no way she’d be “practicing” on Lexa; because it’s not really practice is it? It doesn’t really feel like it anyway. Whatever it is, Lexa’s sure glad it’s happening. Clarke’s probably confused if she does like Lexa, so the brunette is hell bent on not pressuring her into anything that she’s not ready for. No matter how badly she wants to take Clarke out on a date and place a label over her forehead as her girlfriend, she’s never going to tell the blonde that before she’s sure that’s something that she wants. She isn’t sure what’s averagely going through the blonde’s head on most occasions, but if she at all returns any of the feelings that Lexa has for her, it’s probably hard for her to work through, especially with so many eyes on her. She needs time; she needs to figure it out and Lexa’s going to be here for her as she does. She’s going to be the friend she needs during that time because she knows it’s a hard thing to come to terms with.

She just wants Clarke to be happy. Whatever makes her happy, Lexa will support because that’s what she wants the most for her. This is her friend first… her best friend even. The most important thing to Lexa on a journey like this is that she knows she has support, and someone that will always, always, always be there for her when she needs it, someone to help keep her happy. Lexa wants to be that person, so she’s going to be.

She’s distracted from her thoughts as her phone vibrates in her pocket, pulling it from her jeans to look at the Caller ID, she can’t stop the immediate smile from taking over her face, sliding the green talk button over and placing the phone against her ear. “Hey you,” She mumbles affectionately into the receiver, her heart picking up in pace just at the anticipation of hearing Clarke’s beautiful voice after being deprived of it all day.

“So I’m home now, and I know it’s past eight already but… I miss you.” And her voice is so sweet; in fact, Lexa thinks it must sound sweeter after missing it all day. It travels through her until she shuts her eyes to embrace it the best she can over the speaker. Everything about Clarke is just… beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

“Is that an invitation?” She teases lightly, letting her eyes open as she changes directions, already heading toward the blonde’s apartment, which she barely ever leaves by this point. They’ve both gotten used to sleepovers and late nights, at this point they spend so much time together someone would assume they already live together.

Lexa thinks it would probably be nice living with Clarke.

“Oh hush,” Clarke chuckles and the sound is lovely. “Come over?” She asks softer, her tone so indulgent traveling through the speaker. Lexa really does love the way Clarke’s voice sounds.

“Already on my way.” She says happily, maybe to happily, but she can’t really help it. These feelings that she has for Clarke are undeniable, she can’t fight them. She knows that. So she isn’t really going to try anymore. She’s missed Clarke all day and now Clarke was calling her and asking for her attendance and if she’s honest with herself, there’s truthfully no other place she’d rather be.

“Good because I haven’t seen you all day and I think I’m starting to have withdrawals.” Clarke’s tone is slightly pouty. It makes Lexa’s heart rate spike, and the brunette is only briefly glad that Clarke isn’t beside her to see the blush rush across her skin. She is no good at hiding her feelings for the blonde, no good at that at all.

“My company can be rather addictive.” Lexa teases lightly, hearing Clarke snort adorably on the other end. She loves that sound.

“Glad to see your ego hasn’t taken any hits today.” The speaker muffles her voice a bit but Lexa still understands her.

“Yes, it’s healthy and intact.” She grins wider as Clarke laughs.

“Good for you.” The blonde teases and Lexa spends a few seconds just basking in her light laughter and the easiness that the sound of her voice can cause inside of Lexa. The brunette thinks she could be dying and Clarke’s voice would still ease through the pain until she was comfortable. Her voice had so many tones, but Lexa’s favorite was when it would drop really low before Clarke kisses her. That just drove her crazy, and how could it now? Clarke wasn’t just beautiful and adorable, she was sexy too and she’s pretty sure the blonde knows it.

“I miss you too.” Lexa admits after a moment, voice softening as she pulls the doors to Clarke’s apartment building open. “I’m almost there, I’ll hang up.”

“Okay,” Clarke mutters in reply, and Lexa waits a moment to listen to her breathe as she walks to the elevator before hanging up the phone and stuffing it back into her jeans pocket. It doesn’t take her long to get to the second floor, the elevator beeping to signal its arrival and she shoots out of it quickly, partly because she always likes to get out of elevators as fast as possible, since they’re literally metal death boxes on cords, and partly because she cannot wait to see her favorite blonde.

She’s around the corner and down the hallway quickly, coming to a stop outside of her door and knocking on it hurriedly. She expects to wait a moment, but as soon as her knock finishes Clarke is pulling the door open before her balled up hand even drops back down to her side, a wide beautiful happy smile on her face, Lexa’s favorite smile to ever see.

“Hey gorgeous.” Lexa greets rather flirtatiously without really intending to and immediately wraps the girl up in her arms, pulling her body against hers and burying her nose against the blonde’s neck to take in her lovely scent. She smells like paint and paper and sunshine and Lexa loves it, she really does.

“Hey,” Clarke says quietly, her voice cracking slightly as her arms come to rest tightly around her to return the hug and Lexa can’t think of anything that is better than being held like this by Clarke Griffin.

The brunette pulls back from the hug to cup Clarke’s face in her hands and then she does what she can’t stop thinking about and kisses her, she kisses her delicately and soft. A sweet _hello, I’ve missed you_ kiss that Lexa always aches to give her whenever she sees her after a long day and they can finally be alone.

Maybe she should fear acting on such a desire, but Clarke is kissing her back just as softly, just as sweet with hands around her waist to hold her in place, so why should she over think it? Clarke is so very good at kissing too, always knowing all the right things to do to make Lexa melt against her mouth.

The brunette pulls away from her slowly, allowing their lips to part only after the rest of their limbs have untangled first, breaking off after a long moment of Lexa silently convincing herself to do so. She shuts the door as Clarke takes in a deep breath and opens her eyes to greet Lexa and the brunette can only stand and stare at them a moment. Clarke has eyes like the sky and Lexa would be lying if they weren’t the most beautiful shade of blue she has ever seen.

“What was that for?” Clarke asks quietly, her voice cracking, low and hoarse in just the way that always flips Lexa’s stomach and causes a warmth between her legs that she for the life of her can’t control around the blonde when she does that with her voice. The urge to kiss her again is sudden and strong but Lexa tells herself to get a grip rather than acting on it, though Clarke using that low voice is really unfair to her, as she finds it to be the sexiest thing that she has ever heard.

She finds more than that unfair though, she also finds it unfair that Clarke has such a power over her body and the blonde doesn’t even realize it. “Girlfriends often say hello to each other with a kiss.” Lexa teases, winking at her as she walks past Clarke further into the apartment, taking in the smell of pizza and noticing the television already lighted up with Netflix open. “Look at you already set up.” She turns slightly to grin and Clarke and notices that the blonde has not stopped looking at her with her lips slightly parted. She loves it when Clarke looks at her like that.

“Of course. Like you can say no to me.” Clarke manages to tease back as she follows Lexa further into the living room, dropping down on the sofa as Lexa lifts the lid of the pizza box open to grab a slice, picking up a piece for Clarke as well.

“I think we probably consume too much pizza together.”

“We love pizza.” Clarke reasons.

“Except you’re weird as hell about pizza. Two toppings and practically no sauce.”

“I hate tomato sauce, you know this.”

“And I still find it weird.” Lexa has a smile on her face as she takes her seat right next to Clarke, no personal space needed, shoulders brushing and thighs pressed together. Clarke doesn’t complain and Lexa doesn’t bother pulling further away… why would she?

“You came over only to tease me.” Clarke pouts playfully as she takes a bite of her slice of pizza, passing the remote that sits on the sofa cushion beside her into Lexa’s lap because she always likes to let the brunette decide what they’ll be watching for the evening.

Lexa is too focused on Clarke and pizza to much care about choosing a program at that moment. “I came over because you’re my favorite.” She says sweetly, kind of quietly like that statement is a secret and somehow if she says it any louder someone could possibly overhear them in an apartment that they currently occupy alone together.

Clarke brightens easily, “You’re all kinds of flirty tonight.” her cheeks flushing a pretty shade of pink that Lexa finds near impossible to tear her eyes away from.

“Can’t help myself around pretty girls.” She says almost breathlessly, and feels a shot of satisfaction as Clarke’s cheeks turn redder. She is so beautiful; her hair pulled back in a messy bun, her face clear and cleaned of make-up, her eyes so blue Lexa could literally swim in them. She is so very beautiful and Lexa is probably sure that Clarke doesn’t even realize how much so. She wishes she could tell her without it sounding to weird.

Clarke blushes more and shies away from her gaze and it’s utterly adorable. The most adorable thing that Lexa has ever seen, she’ll have to try and get her to do that more often.

“Can I ask you something?” Clarke sets her half eaten slice of pizza on the table and it kind of ticks at Lexa so she picks it up and puts it back in the box, wiping at the table with a napkin after, ignoring Clarke’s amused stare as she does so. She’s only glad Clarke never seems to get irritated with her for these things, as most people find her rather annoying.

“Of course you can,” Lexa continues to eat her slice, trying her best to hide the goose bumps that arise as Clarke swipes sauce of her cheek that she hadn’t known was there.

“You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to okay. If you don’t want to talk about it just tell me, and I won’t ask again okay.” Clarke’s voice is hard and sincere and full of something that Lexa can’t quite name.

When she looks at the blonde, she has to take a deep breathe in. “Kind of scaring me.”

“It’s not bad; I just want you to be comfortable with me.” Clarke licks the sauce off her finger that she had wiped from Lexa’s cheek, despite the fact that she doesn’t like tomato sauce almost subconsciously and Lexa as to force herself to not audibly moan at the sight. How can she do something like that and expect it not to drive Lexa absolutely insane? Everything inside of Lexa is practically screaming at her to jump the blonde right now.

“I am.” Lexa tosses the crust of her pizza into the box and turns her body toward Clarke, licking her lips and trying desperately to keep her eyes on the blue ones in front of her, rather than dipping lower toward Clarke’s pretty mouth, or even lower than that, because she’s got a navy blue V-neck on that allows a nice amount of cleavage to show and that’s also, kind of driving Lexa crazy.

“Did you and Costia used to date in high school?”

Lexa feels herself stiffen at the question, despite trying to tell herself to relax, it’s an automatic reaction at just the mere mention of something that could send her back in time to a place that she really doesn’t want to go. High school isn’t exactly a subject she likes to talk about, _ever_.

The blonde seems to sense this. “It’s okay; we don’t have to talk about it.” Clarke’s hand is on her knee and squeezing and the touch is nice, their already so close together but each of Clarke’s movements seem to only bring them closer.

“No we didn’t.” Lexa shakes her head. “I had a crush on her though.” Lexa decides to answer the question anyway, because the blonde is simply asking for one part, not all parts. Lexa can share this part; she can be open about it. It’s averagely so easy to be open with Clarke, so simple to talk to her. She can share parts of herself without having to be afraid.

“And you told her?”

“Yeah, but she was like, the pretty popular girl, everyone had a crush on her.” Lexa chuckles slightly but there’s not much humor in it, the conversation making her kind of rigid. “I was kind of… People just didn’t like me.” Lexa shrugs as she tries desperately to shut out the memories suddenly flooding her mind.

“She said you guys have like a past, what did she mean?” Clarke’s voice is soft and delicate. Her touch is still on her knee, clearly seeing how much of a struggle this is for Lexa. She knows that all she has to say to Clarke is that she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and the blonde will back off. But she wants to share with Clarke; she wants to let Clarke in.

“I told her and she thought it was a joke. She laughed at me at first, but then she realized it wasn’t but it was too late already. Her other friends and stuff were…” Lexa shakes her head. “Anyways she felt bad about laughing about it, so she tried to make it up to me and we’ve been friends since.”

“Do you still…” Clarke trailed off a moment, as if she couldn’t decide if she really wanted to ask the question or not. “Do you still have feelings for her?” Clarke asks gently, pulling the corner of her bottom lip between her teeth and Lexa gets distracted, watching it, for a moment she doesn’t answer. Her mind seems to focus more on all the things she likes about Clarke instead of the current topic at hand.

She likes the way Clarke’s eyelashes flutter at her when she’s flirting without realizing it. She likes the way Clarke’s hands always have to touch her in some way after a few minutes, like Lexa gives her a sense of comfort that nobody else can. She likes the way Clarke looks when she’s thinking so deeply about something, with furrowed pretty eyebrows and a bitten bottom lip. She likes the way Clarke tastes when their kissing, not just that light kissing, but the deep kisses that make her feel so warm she’s sure Clarke can feel it on her skin. She likes Clarke so very much, and she knows she’s obvious about it. It takes her several moments to even try and comprehend how Clarke can possibly think she has feelings for anyone else when Lexa literally can’t take her eyes off of her when they’re in the same room.

Clarke’s mouth opens as if she’s going to say something else but Lexa is quick to speak first. “No, I don’t.” and she says it so confidently that she’s sure there’s no way Clarke can doubt her, and she’s sure that Clarke must see the way her eyes can barely stray from her mouth. She’s sure she’s the most obvious person in the world and Clarke can practically hear the confessions of her heart without her even uttering a word.

“Are you sure,” Clarke chuckles slightly, but the tone is a bit off. “Took you awhile to answer.” She’s trying to be humorous but there’s something in her eyes, something in her voice that doesn’t find this subject as funny as she trying to suddenly make it.

Lexa doesn’t understand how Clarke doesn’t see it. “I was thinking about how much I like someone else.”

“You like someone?” And how can Clarke not be able to tell? She’s got it stapled on her forehead. She’s got it written in her eyes and tattooed on her skin. She’s got it singing from her mouth even when she tries to get it to stop. Her feelings are all over her, bare and easy to read and yet Clarke acts as if she notices nothing, as if she is unable to read, or see, or hear.

She’s not going to spell it out though. She doesn’t know where Clarke is in her heart and she’s not about to pressure her with new information. For now she will let her beautiful friend remain clueless, if she actually is so. Lexa is on Clarke’s pace, whether the blonde knows that or not. “Mmm, do you want to practice some more?”

“Are you changing the subject?” Clarke grins.

“I am, expertly so. We have to shoot the kiss scene in a month and I know you’re worried about it.”

“You think we should practice more?” Clarke asks almost sounding insecure.

“Clarke, you’re a hot girl who wants to kiss me. Why wouldn’t I want to practice more?”

“Am I… Am I okay at it or is it…”

“Clarke oh my god, you can’t possibly think you aren’t a good kisser.”

The blonde shrugs kind of sheepishly and looks down at her lap. “You never know.”

The brunette finds herself rolling her eyes before she can really control herself. She’s lifting Clarke’s chin in the next moment and kissing her gently, a comfort kiss, despite how much Lexa wants to deepen it, she doesn’t. “ _Baby_ , you don’t even need practice.” Lexa says softly, and sighs gently when Clarke kisses her again, fingertips touching her neck and playing with the small hairs at the nape.

Clarke breathes against her mouth and Lexa swears this is heaven. “Can I tell you a secret?” Clarke climbs into Lexa’s lap, legs down around her so their hips connect and Lexa moans a little at the contact, her own lips slipping across the skin on Clarke’s neck to test her skin, to take in the way she smells, to drown in her in all the ways that Lexa can’t stop thinking about. And she thinks about this a lot.

“You can tell me anything.” Lexa’s fingers have decided on their own path, slipping under the cotton blue V-neck Clarke is wearing and brushing across the soft expanse of the girl’s stomach. The blonde’s shiver to her touch is nearly everything, and Lexa has to list a name of foods she hates most to keep herself from losing the little control she seems to have. It’s almost like she’s been drinking, but she hasn’t. Like she’s drunk and at any second she could lose herself to all the want in her body and wash away all Clarke Griffin’s insecurities by making her feel good.

But she can’t do that. She needs to remain in control of herself, even if that sounds like an impossible feet when a hot blonde girl straddles your lap and grinds into you slightly every time you lightly brush your lips across a sensitive piece of flesh on her neck.

“You might get mad because I lied.” Clarke’s fingertips tangle in her hair just the way that Lexa has become used to them being. Clarke loves her hair, she loves touching it and Lexa always thinks it feels amazing, so she never protests.

Despite the desire spiking tenfold inside of her, and her body screaming at her for backing up from Clarke in anyway, she ignore it, in order to offer the blonde her full and undivided attention. “What is it?” She asks delicately, as sweet as she can get her voice as she brushes her fingers across Clarke’s stomach and around to her back to touch at her spine, reveling in how soft her skin is and how easy it is to get Clarke’s skin to goose-bump to her touch.

“I may have lied when we first met about something…” Clarke trails off looking sheepish again, the corner of her bottom lip between her teeth once more.

Lexa can’t stop her eyes from straying to it. “Clarke I promise to stay calm and to listen to you completely until you’ve finished, does that help?” She slides her other hand across Clarke’s belly too and around to her back so her arms are trapping the blonde on top of her in a soft embrace that speaks far more words about Lexa’s feelings than Lexa ever voices.

“It does.” She leans forward and pecks Lexa’s lips briefly. “But it might make you want to stop practicing with me.”

“I can assure you it’s going to have to be something along the lines of murder for that, and I’m not sure even than that I would at all change my mind about wanting to practice with you.” Lexa tells her honestly, watching Clarke’s lovely blue eyes as they stare at her. She offers the girl her softest grin and watches how the simple action seems to relax Clarke in a lot of ways, a lot of ways that make Lexa’s heart race and pound.

“Well, remember when I told you I’ve never… Like I’ve never,” Clarke trails off again and Lexa runs her fingertips along her spine to comfort her, knowing fully well that the action works decently on the blonde.

It relaxes the beautiful girl in her lap a little more. “It’s okay, take your time.”

“I’ve kissed a girl besides you before.” And Clarke looks down, away from her, almost ashamed. It’s twists Lexa’s heart to see her at all think that she may be wrong for not telling Lexa of it before she was ready too.

She’s lifting the blonde’s chin so their eyes can meet and she can’t stop the smirk that travels across her mouth. “Have you?” She asks sweetly and Clarke narrows her eyes at her.

“Stop acting like you already know and I haven’t been lying to you.” She snaps playfully, though Lexa’s calm reaction has seemingly relaxed Clarke even more so, the blonde’s fingertips coming up around Lexa’s neck and resting their as she meets the girl’s gaze.

“Clarke, did you really think I’d get mad because you didn’t tell me that?” Lexa asks her gently, brushing her fingertips through the side of her lovely blonde hair, pushing stray locks that have slipped from her messy bun behind her ear and silently reveling in the softness of the strands. “It’s really okay.” She assures her, heart twisting more so as Clarke shakes her head.

“It’s not okay to me.”

“Listen, it’s something that you’re not exactly comfortable with, something you don’t quite want to share yet, or maybe you never will and that’s okay. It’s not my place or my business to tell you what you should or shouldn’t feel. Clarke, I’m your friend. I’m not going to judge you because you’re afraid of telling me something like that.” Lexa tries her best to make her voice as sincere as possible, tries her best to comfort Clarke and offer up the exact amount she may need. She wants Clarke to know she hasn’t done anything wrong and that Lexa will always be here for her for stuff like this whenever she is ready to talk about them.

“I literally do not deserve you.” Clarke chuckles slightly. She cups Lexa’s face in her hands and presses their foreheads together and Lexa loses herself for a moment in her eyes. “I’ve never been very good at talking about my feelings.” Clarke mumbles quietly, again like someone could possibly overhear them in an apartment they occupy alone together.

“Neither am I.” Lexa smiles sincerely and watches Clarke’s mouth cork up slightly as well.

“Maybe we don’t have to talk at all.” And then Clarke is kissing her again, in that deep way that makes her entire body ache and burn for things she cannot have yet. She returns the kiss just as enthusiastically, her fingertips clawing at the skin on the girl’s back as she reframes from the urge to touch and touch and touch.

Settling for a make-out session on Clarke Griffin’s couch isn’t really something she plans on complaining about either.

 

***

 

Clarke Griffin was literally being dragged here by Raven, literally. Her friend had her hand wrapped tightly around her wrist, tugging her as Clarke fought each and every single forcible jerk. She did not want to go; she did not want to go to this stupid party. She hates Halloween parties. They freak her out. Everyone is someone else and it makes for a terrifying experience when you actually do get drunk.

“Clarke I swear to god. You know Lexa’s here right.”

“I do not care,” Which is a lie, a very big lie because the only reason that they had even made it this far was because Lexa is here. Lexa is at this party, probably looking sexy in whatever she decided to dress up as and Clarke is only willing to let herself be dragged because she wants to see her, despite the fact that she won’t be able to make out with her until their alone, which she knows is going to end up being a problem because Lexa, by her text messages, is already fairly wasted, and Lexa really likes PDA when she’s wasted.

So much so that last week had actually caused their first problem with the media because of it. She wasn’t really drunk, just a little tipsy on wine, but nonetheless, her hands would not leave Clarke for a second. They were out, in public with their friends and Lexa had, had her hands everywhere, almost crossing inappropriate lines but never quite doing so without Clarke’s verbal permission. She was respectful like that.

Their show had sparked some media attention recently, even though it had a bit of a slow start, and Clarke was finding cameras flashing near her every once in a while when she was out. That particular evening there had been quite a few cameras’ hanging around outside, peeking through windows and invading privacy in all the ways they are so good at. Surprisingly though, it was Lexa who panicked about it all, Clarke had remained calm and just told anyone that asked that they were just good friends.

That’s really the only way to handle a situation like that in the end.

The last thing her or Lexa needed was more rumors, which was surely going to happen if she saw Lexa right now while she was as wasted as her text messages suggest; which is why she has begun to fight Raven’s urgency to enter the doors, cameras already catching their struggle, irking on Raven’s nerves in a way that has her tugging harshly.

“Get you’re dumbass in the party now, or I’m picking you up and throwing you in.” The tall brunette girl snaps, her teeth grinding with the action.

Clarke is not afraid of her. “You can’t pick me up!”

“Don’t test me Griffin, I’m running out of patience.”

“Fine! Let me go!” Clarke tries to tug out of her grip but Raven doesn’t seem to trust her, tightening her grasp instead.

“Clarkey!” Lexa giggled as Raven opened the door, and god she was wasted and hot… so fucking hot. What the hell is she wearing? A short dress, a short black dress, with dark make up. She looked hot as all hell, despite Clarke having no idea what she was going for, all she knew was that a drunk Lexa in a short dress, looking at her like that, was going to be the absolute death of her.

With Lexa reaching out for her like that, Clarke rushes inside before the cameras can catch her, wrapping a protective arm around the girl’s waist as her hands come around Clarke’s shoulders and she pulls the blonde right up against her. “Hi baby you look so pretty.” She mumbles in Clarke’s ear and the blonde has to fight the urge to blush and melt at the term of endearment. She was getting more affectionate in the last few weeks and Clarke doesn’t know if that’s a bad or good thing. They both don’t talk about it much, mostly just act in much the way they both have been doing since they met. It’s inevitable between them really; everyday it’s harder to fight.

Clarke really likes it when Lexa calls her baby.

“Alright, disgusting, I’m off.” Raven teases, winking at Clarke before shuffling her way through the area probably off to find Anya. Clarke watches her until she disappears and then she focuses her attention on a very drunk Lexa, that’s slumped into her and distracted by playing with a strand of long blonde hair.

“Scale of one to ten, how drunk are you?” She mumbles close to the brunette girl’s ear so she can hear her over the crowd of people.

“Six,” She giggles and Clarke thinks perhaps it’s more of an eight, verging on nine.

“Where is everyone at?”

“That way. Dance with me instead.” Lexa urges, pushing her hips into Clarke’s before grabbing her hands and pulling the blonde toward the dance floor. And who is Clarke to resist such an enticing Lexa, drunk maybe, but carefree looks amazing on her and Clarke’s not about to complain about being able to dance with her. Dancing is safe, whether cameras catch them or not. How much trouble can they get into just dancing?

 

 

Apparently, a lot.

Perhaps if Lexa wasn’t so handsy with her when she was drunk things would turn out differently, but that’s not how the internet works really. Clarke’s social Medias aren’t really things she’s on much. Social media is messy and complicated and takes a lot of time and attention that she really doesn’t care to give it. But social media is also unavoidable in her job, so of course she’s on it at times when she needs to be. This however, is not a time that she really needs to be on it, and she honestly wishes she wasn’t as her notifications flood, but she can’t help but look.

It’s really an array of a verity of comments. All speculations, some of her fans, some of Lexa’s, some apparently coming together and liking both of them, some hating one and loving the other. It’s really a mess; it always serves to give Clarke a headache. The only thing she likes about it is being able to say hi to a fan that probably would never meet her otherwise, tweets always make them so happy, posting a picture on Instagram always makes them freak out. It’s a little interesting. But at the same time she can get it. Before she knew Lexa, she had that girl’s social media notifications on, something she didn’t plan on sharing with the brunette ever.

“Clarke I’m sorry.” Lexa pouts with her head in her lap, Clarke’s fingers on one hand are absentmindedly brushing through her hair to soothe the girl’s aching head. Her other is scrolling through a feed, trying to understand the mindsets of the many people that follow her and wondering how so many people can taking dancing and turn it into their own little story.

“I already told you to stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong.”

“It’s my fault. I’ll try to stop them next time.”

“You know you can’t, don’t be silly, it’s really okay. Do I look panicked to you?” Clarke asks softly, almost amused at the brunette lying down nearly in her lap. Lexa isn’t feeling the best, of course she’s not, she drank a lot the day before, but that’s why Clarke was here to take care of her, the same as she had last night, bringing her home with her and making her drink lots of water before she fell asleep. Of course, she wouldn’t fall asleep until Clarke was cuddling her, but the blonde wasn’t planning on complaining about that.

“No, but I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” Lexa admits softly, and Clarke can’t help the way it squeezes her heart because of course Lexa is putting her thoughts and her feelings first. The brunette doesn’t care about rumors most of the time, but as soon as it’s Clarke’s name she’s got something to worry about and the blonde can’t help but feel something powerful take place in her chest at just the thought of that.

Lexa is so very giving, so sweet and selfless and Clarke’s feelings are only getting worse for her. More monumental by the second and it’s kind of scary. It was already frightening before, being something that she’s never quite felt, but now it was just… she doesn’t understand how much more she can possibly like Lexa, until Lexa does or says something that just makes her… fall more.

“You never make me uncomfortable.” Clarke leans down and presses a kiss to a warm forehead, slow and loving and listens as Lexa’s breath catches. She loves that she isn’t alone in reactions like that, knowing Lexa fully well seems to feel, at least the physical aspects of their relationship, in much the same way that Clarke does.

Lexa’s own fingertips reach up to brush Clarke’s cheek and green eyes are open to examine each feature, drinking in everything she can see and Clarke just lets her, because to be looked at like that by Lexa Woods is something that Clarke wants for the rest of her life and she’s not ashamed at all when she thinks it, even if she knows realistically that she can’t have this Lexa, this loving attentive Lexa all the time because Lexa is not really her girlfriend and she couldn’t actually be Lexa’s girlfriend.

But then she thinks why couldn’t she be? She likes her and Lexa may return that feeling, it seems like it anyway. Why can’t she be with her? How much is her career going to suffer? Maybe it’ll be a little harder but she could probably help people by being honest. She could probably help herself by being honest. She could be happy.

That’s what she thinks as she stares at Lexa’s deep green eyes, she could be happy. And she’s about to tell Lexa that. She’s about to tell her that she wants to be happy and how much she likes her and that she doesn’t care at all who sees them together or what they think because she wants to be with her. She’s got her mouth open to utter the words when her phone breaks the moment with that obnoxious ringtone she’s set for her mother and she spends a good few seconds staring at it with dread.

She supposes she’ll just have to wait, she can tell Lexa after the phone call and surely Lexa will make her feel better because she never feels good after talking to her mom. In fact, she’s already feeling better at the prospect of Lexa possibly being her girlfriend in the minutes to come that she even answers the phone almost cheerily, looking back down into Lexa’s eyes as she brushes her fingertips through long strands of her beautiful hair.

Lexa only watches her as if she’s mesmerized and it feels like a dream to be viewed that way.

“Clarke Griffin, you have some serious explaining to do. I thought this phase was over, who is that girl that you’re with. This stops now.” Clarke’s mother’s voice is accusatory and angry. Much in the same way it often is whenever she speaks to Clarke.

It makes Clarke uneasy. She hadn’t thought that about what it would mean if her mother saw the photos of her and Lexa, or read the theories or rumors circulating the internet. “Can you calm down?” Clarke’s teeth grind but she still feels a bit calm as she combs her fingers through Lexa’s hair and keeps their gazes locked together.

“How the hell do you expect me to calm down when my daughter is out… grinding herself on other girls? That’s not okay Clarke.” Her mother is shouting, and by the change in Lexa’s eyes she knows the brunette can hear her.

Clarke just continues her movements, because it’s the only thing keeping her grounded. “Mom,”

“Don’t mom me Clarke. You told me you wouldn’t do this again.” Her mother sounds hurt and Clarke wonders how the hell she has the right to sound hurt in this kind of situation. It’s something she will never understand.

Clarke cuts her gaze away from Lexa’s because she can’t lie while looking into those beautiful green eyes. “It’s not what you think mom, we’re just friends and,”

“You expect me to believe with what you’ve done in the past that this is just friendly behavior.” Her mother is shouting loudly and Clarke has to pull the phone from her ear for a brief moment, just so her eardrum stays intact.

“Mom.” She tries again to calm her down.

“Your father would be disappointed.” And that’s just crossing the line.

“That’s not fair!” Clarke’s voice rises and Lexa sits up as she looks at her almost sympathetically, though she says nothing. Clarke can’t look at her while she has a conversation like this with her mom; it just feels wrong to do so.

Instead her heart aches painfully at her mother’s words, and she finds that it’s a lot harder to fight her after she mentions her father. She wonders if it’s true, if he would be disappointed. “What’s not fair is you telling me you’d be better in California. That you wouldn’t be doing stuff like this anymore. I was expecting more from you.”

“MOM, please, I promise it’s not like that. Lexa and I are just friends, we’re on the show together, the one I told you about.”

Clarke’s mother sighs heavily, like Clarke is the biggest pain in the ass she’s ever experienced and Clarke can’t help but feel the sting at just the thought. “Okay, I’m going to believe you this time, but one more slip up like this and don’t bother coming home to see your brother for Christmas. He doesn’t need that kind of influence in his life.” She is cold after she says it, much the same way she has been for a long time.

Clarke’s throat closes up. “Mom.” She knows her voice cracks.

“Goodbye Clarke, I need to cool down. I’ll call you tonight.” And with that her mother hangs up, leaving Clarke to grunt impatiently and toss her phone violently away from her.

Lexa is even closer to her in an instant but not exactly touching. She wants to, Clarke knows that, but she won’t without the blonde’s permission and Clarke can’t help but wish that she would without it. She doesn’t exactly want to talk about it, though at the same time part of her wants to break something so it shatters instead.

“Clarke,” And Lexa’s voice is so tentative, so sweet and sincere that it floods over her like a wave, making the blonde close her eyes and embrace the feeling it causes.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Clarke snaps a little harshly but she doesn’t mean to snap. She doesn’t mean to, not at Lexa. Her blood is just boiling slightly, as it normally does when talking to her mother, and she doesn’t know exactly when she’ll calm down.

Her mother always uses her brother against her and it’s not fair, her mother uses her father too and that’s also not fair. She hopes her father wouldn’t be disappointed in her, she hopes she’s making him proud. He had always been the one to tell her to follow her dreams, she feels like he would be proud of her for doing that. Her mother has been using this line on her since she decided to drop out of school and start acting. It doesn’t matter how much success she has, she is never good enough and that actually hurts her.

“You don’t have too. Do you want me to stay?” Lexa always seems to care very much about how Clarke feels in each and every moment, and Clarke spends a good thirty seconds just mulling over how someone so perfect could even exist and how she is this lucky to even get the chance to know her.

She can’t be with Lexa like she wants to be, and that’s honestly torture. But she can pretend to be right now, right here. It’s what she needs, it’s what she wants, and instead of voicing that, she only nods and reaches for Lexa who immediately envelopes her in her arms and holds her body as close as she can get it. She lies them both down on the bed and Clarke snuggles into her body, burying her face in the girl’s neck as Lexa tangles their legs together so they are touching almost everywhere.

“I’ve got you.” And Lexa begins to do that thing she always does, humming a low soft tune, familiar but Clarke can’t place it as she brushes one of her hands up Clarke’s shirt and along her spine. It makes Clarke grab onto her tighter and press into her more firmly to keep that safe feeling that suddenly surfaces inside of her. The kind of safe that only Lexa can make her feel, and she wonders how one person can make everything better so easily, even if it’s not exactly better, it’s not as bad as it would be without her. “I don’t have any parents.” Lexa mumbles out after a moment and Clarke just lays her head closer to her heartbeat, to feel the vibrations as she speaks. “I did live with this one lady though when I was fifteen, she was quite mean. She didn’t believe in anything.”

“Was she mean to you?” Clarke asks quietly. Eyelids fluttering as she takes in Lexa’s soothing voice.

“Yes, I don’t think she was capable of ever being nice to anyone. I think she was lonely really.” Lexa’s fingertips on her back and steady heartbeat in her ear have her eyelids growing heavy, and she wonders why, every single time Lexa does this, she has the will to fall asleep.

“Did she hurt you?” Clarke asks, and her hands tighten in Lexa’s shirt almost protectively.

“Not physically. But she told me once that I was evil and I believed her.”

“How can a woman who doesn’t believe anything, call you evil?” Clarke asks almost disbelievingly. She can imagine anyone being mean to Lexa because Lexa is the literal definition of an angel. She’s a gift in Clarke’s life. She’s like the light whenever Clarke is stuck in the darkness and Lexa doesn’t even realize that.

“That’s a good question.” Lexa chuckles. “After that I stopped trying to impress her, it was clear she didn’t want me as family, so I started pulling pranks on her.”

“Pranks?” Clarke can’t help the smile that surfaces across her face as her eyes slip shut.

“Yep, pranks. The most childish kind.”

“Did you stay with her for a long time?”

“No, after the pranks started she didn’t want me in the house anymore. But at that time Anya was twenty and in school so she let me move in with her.”

“How long have you known Anya?” Clarke asks curiously, happy to get any information Lexa is willing to share with her. She wants to know everything she could possibly know about the brunette, everything in her life before she knew her, everything after, all the little details of who she is. She wants to know it all. She doesn’t say that, but it doesn’t stop her from wanting it.

“I met her when I was five; she was my neighbor to the foster family I was living with at that time.” Lexa confides, her fingers feel nice in Clarke’s hair and the blonde is struggling to keep her eyes open.

So she decides to adjust her position. “Lexa,” Clarke sits up and waits for green eyes to reach hers and she can’t help that she tears up a bit.

“What?” Lexa asks so delicately, her expression so sincere as she cups Clarke’s cheek with her free hand.

She stares at her, for a long moment, the silence stretching out until Clarke decides that she can’t say exactly what she wants to say out loud so she leans in instead. Kissing her softer than she ever has before out of all the kisses that they have ever shared.

Lexa is shaking below her and there’s a sound she makes, a quiet one, deep in her throat as Clarke deepens the kiss that makes Clarke’s stomach flip and that warmth travel through her again. For this moment, Clarke is able to forget all the reasons that keep her from the girl that she wants to be with so very badly.

 

***

 

“You promise you’re ready.” Lexa asks with that concern edging through her voice. The same kind she gets every time they’re going into a scene like this. As if they don’t practice kissing almost all the time.

“Lexa,” Clarke rolls her eyes and tries not to shake off the feeling of the girl behind her that combs through her hair. Lexa can only watch as the new hair and make-up artist braids Clarke’s hair back into the intricate braids that look so incredibly complicated.

“I just want to make sure you’re not nervous.” She informs her friend, watching the amusement the statement causes travel through her.

“I’m always nervous.” She teases, giving Lexa that cute look she does when she’s amused and Lexa can’t help the way it makes her heart flutter slightly in her chest.

“That’s beside the point.” The brunette’s giving her that concerned friend stare and Clarke seems to admire it a moment before she’s grinning a little wider at her friend.

“I promise, I’m fine. This should be easy.” The blonde states simply, a small shrug to her shoulders that makes the hair lady glare at the back of her head.

“Easy?” Lexa chuckles slightly. “Not the word I’d use.”

“Maybe you’re the nervous one?” Clarke teases lightly, watching the girl beside her smooth her hands down her thighs because she can’t nervously run them through her hair like she averagely likes to do when she’s not the most comfortable in a situation.

She is nervous. She’s nervous because this show, this scene especially is really important to her. This advancement, this decision will change everything about the show and she’s excited but she’s scared that they will mess it up. It has to be done right; it has to be handled with the utmost care. “I just want to make sure we do this right.”

Clarke smiles at her that beautiful delicate smile that Lexa loves so much. “We have great chemistry, it’ll be fine.” She assures her, those soft eyes sparkling into her own until Lexa feels her shoulders relax because Clarke is always so very good at easing her troubles. She really was a magnificent creature. Lexa was lucky to even be breathing the same air as her.

“Do we?” Lexa teases further, eyebrows wiggling up and down at her until Clarke is bursting out with a loud laugh. Lexa always loves making her laugh like that, her eyes lighting up with the sound of it and her own smile eating up her face. She wants to kiss Clarke, but she knows she’ll get to do that in a few seconds and instead settles on just watching her while she laughs and one of the newer hair and make-up artists fixes her braids.

“Can we please get Clarke and Lexa done and prepared for the scene?” Kane announces harshly, clearly growing impatient as it’s the end of the day and he always gets a little antsy if they have to stay later than he likes them too. They’ve had to stay late most nights this week, causing an uneasiness in him that isn’t often there.

“Lexa’s done sir,”

“Lexa,”

“Don’t be nervous.” Lexa says sincerely, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s cheek that makes the hair and make-up lady glare at her slightly, as she reaches over to wipe off the lip-gloss left behind. Lexa doesn’t feel sorry however and bounces away toward where Kane wants her for the scene.

“Remember this is more an explosion of emotions Lexa, so you’ve to lose yourself in your character, lose yourself in the moment and in Clarke.” Losing herself in Clarke isn’t going to be a problem at all; she knows that, as she’s always lost in her anyways. She reframes from saying something like that however, and just nods at the guy in front of her.

“Yeah,”

“Nothing else matters, just you and her in this moment. None of the problems that any of you face outside this room enter. It’s just you and her.” He looks really determined about this and Lexa almost laughs at him, but instead she holds back the urge and instead yet again, only nods.

“Yeah I’ve got it.”

“Alright,” Kane’s walkie-talkie sparks to life.

“Griffin’s ready.” And that seems to excite him greatly; he claps his hands together eagerly. “Alright everyone, places, let’s get this show on the road.” He shouts and people scramble to take their places, Kane sprinting off to his seat on the sidelines as Lexa stands at her place, hip against the table, fake plans strewn across the surface.

She focuses on clearing her mind, and eventually when someone calls action she thinks she’s done it. But there’s something about the lighting in the room that has Lexa stuck in her head when Clarke flips open the flap of the so-called tent and slowly makes her way inside. Lexa thinks she could stare at Clarke all day and never grow tired of it.

She looks so pretty with braids like that and Lexa’s fingers itch to touch her, reach for her and just feel the intricate details in her hair. She resists, of course, she’s not Lexa right now and Clarke’s not Clarke, but the urge is still there. She still looks at Clarke like she is only Clarke because it’s hard for Lexa to get out of her own head when she’s around the blonde. She’s done wondering where her acting skills go and just fully accepts that they don’t seem to be in building around her. She’s just glad that nobody else has seemingly caught on to that yet.

“You wanted to talk to me,” The blonde’s eyebrow pushes up skeptically. Lexa can’t help but follow the action with her eyes.

“I,” Lexa feels her throat close up tightly as she pushes herself into character and tries not to think about kissing Clarke, even though it’s all she can think about, almost ever.

“You could have just come to me; you didn’t have to send for me.” Clarke says huffily, she’s got a pout, a pretty one along her face and Lexa takes a moment to respond, just watching her mouth for longer than is necessary.

She wants to kiss her and she can’t stop think about it. It’s almost like knowing she’s going to be able to, even with all the cameras on them, is building up her anticipation toward the action. “Things change.” She states coldly and watches the flutter of Clarke’s pretty eyelashes as she takes in her statement.

“Like your trust in people.” She asks with obvious pain. Evidence clear in those pretty cerulean eyes and Lexa wonders for a moment how people don’t fall at Clarke’s feet because she’s so very talented.

“Yes.” She sounds cold as she glances away from her quickly, as if she can’t stand to see the way the statement will make the blonde feel.

Clarke scoffs, her eyes show hurt that Lexa immediately just subconsciously wants to comfort. “You act like you haven’t known me since before all of this.” She waves her hands around as if to emphasize her point.

Lexa looks away from her and down at the plans on the table, her fingertips gliding over the papers as if they could ever be more interesting than the girl in front of her.

“How can you lead them without trust?” the blonde accuses after a moment of silence, clearly trying to elicit and emotional response from the girl.

“I didn’t ask you here so you could doubt my role as commander.” She mutters coldly, turning an eye on the blonde that’s supposed to be emotionless but she knows it’s full of softness that she can’t rid herself of. She can’t manage to will herself to look at Clarke any other way than lovingly.

“Is that what they call you?” The blonde scoffs and Lexa looks away from her again.

“I called you here to discuss an exchange of resources. You have something I want, I have something you want.”

“We’ve talked about this enough. You’re people have invaded my camps and,”

“We do what we have to do to survive.” Lexa voice rises loudly.

“Maybe if you would trust me you wouldn’t have to steal.” Clarke matches her tone.

Lexa’s hand comes down hard on the surface of the table. “I did trust you.” She turns toward the blonde whose eyes burn into her own and she allows her gaze to eagerly devour the beautiful sight in front of her, willingly letting herself be caught as she examines every piece of the blonde she can see. She wants to be intense; she wants Clarke to see how much she wants her because that’s what the scene calls for. She needs to show her emotions more than ever and she’s finding that it’s not exactly hard to do when she’s looking into eh blonde’s eyes. “You chose to leave me.” She mutters out more vulnerable than before. “You could have stayed; we could have done this together, like you promised.” She sounds hurt, betrayed and it makes Clarke blink as if she’s surprised by the change in tone, since it is so sudden.

“I came back.” Clarke steps closer and Lexa freezes a moment, the proximity affecting her rather intensely. “I’m here now.” Clarke steps even closer and Lexa falters a minute. “If you still care about me, trust me.” Clarke’s eyes search Lexa’s face for what feels like hours, pupils dilating slightly as her gaze drops down to examine Lexa’s mouth.

“I do trust you.” And before Lexa has much more time to think about how she’s going to kiss Clarke, she’s just doing it. Grabbing the back of her neck and bringing their mouths together in something sweet, almost sad as the other girl sighs and grips the back of her arm to keep her close.

And it’s so easy to lose herself in it. To lose herself in the taste of Clarke’s mouth because maybe they can play other people on screen but as soon as Clarke’s mouth is against her own she’s just Lexa again, and Clarke is just Clarke. She tries hard to remember how she’s supposed to be kissing Clarke compared to how she wants to, but the longer Clarke’s lips move with hers the harder it becomes to remember anything at all.

She breaks apart from the kiss too soon, only to breathe and brush her nose delicately against Clarke’s, almost affectionately before she’s reaching for her again. She can’t remember how long this is supposed to be, all she can think about is kissing her until her lungs burn from the lack of oxygen the action causes.

But then Clarke is pulling away from her. Blue eyes dilated and her lips swelling. She looks beautiful like this, she looks beautiful no matter what they are doing and Lexa has to fight down the urge to reach across the space and close it again, instead backing up from Clarke a step as if to give her the room she requires.

“You know we can’t.” Clarke mumbles and Lexa feels like the statement goes beyond them just speaking lines.

She only nods, knowing fully well she’s supposed to say something else but she can’t manage it, and then someone’s shouting “cut!” and Clarke’s shoulders relax immediately. A giant beautiful grin eating up her face as she meets Lexa’s still rather heavy gaze.

“Did I ever tell you how much I love this war paint idea?” Clarke says, stepping closer, invading Lexa’s personal space again and touching her fingertips to Lexa’s cheekbone to trace the lines of the dark paint around her eyes. “You look beautiful.” She whispers heavily, so quietly Lexa knows the statement is only meant for the both of them to hear.

“Alright, that was pretty great, I want to go over it again one more time, so lets’ hurry up.” Kane’s clapping his hands to signal his urgency and Clarke is stepping back from Lexa, her fingertips falling from her face. Lexa immediately misses her touch, and watches almost achingly as Clarke exits from her sight so they can restart the scene.

Lexa knows one thing is for sure. She really doesn’t have to act very much when it comes to showing her feelings for Clarke, as she’s already so very deeply lost in her own weakness for the girl.

 

***

 

“You and Lexa have really good chemistry.” Costia says as she sits down at the picnic table outside of Lexa’s trailer. A spread of food along the surface, as its thanksgiving again, and of course they’re working through it. Again, Lexa finds it sad but Clarke doesn’t much care as her family is states away. Her mother barely likes to celebrate anything anymore anyway.

“Yeah we get a long great.” Clarke agrees. Her eyes move across the table to examine the contents carefully, making sure she’s brought everything Lexa likes most. She prepared this year in advanced, maybe things have to be heated up a little, and it’ll taste more like leftovers, but it’s a real big thanksgiving meal and when Lexa had seen her with all of the bags her surprise and excitement was all totally worth the effort.

“I think your fans are going to flip once they see this season.” Costia tries for more conversation but Clarke doesn’t really care to talk to her, mind preoccupied with hoping this dinner makes Lexa happy and wondering why it’s taking so long for Raven and Anya to get here.

“Perhaps,” She trails off as she’s going over everything, furrowed eyebrows as she’s checking things off the list in her head.

“You do realize you and Lexa have a ship name and everything.” Costia’s voice is slightly irritating, but the statement catches Clarke’s attention.

The blonde’s eyebrow shoots up at that, finally looking to her left to meet Costia’s gaze. She’s got a chilling look in her dark blue eyes; obviously she disapproves of such a thing. Clarke hadn’t realized that perhaps Costia was bringing this up because she didn’t like it, rather than just making conversation.

She has no idea what to say to that. “You know how fans get,” She tries to shrug it off, hoping that if Clarke acts like it’s no big deal and doesn’t matter to her, Costia too will let the subject slide off.

But she doesn’t know Costia very well. “I always thought it was kind of creepy.” She says with a wrinkle to her nose, clearly she doesn’t want to hide her dislike of the situation and Clarke isn’t much in the mood to have this kind of conversation right now.

“Depends,” Clarke’s still trying for nonchalant, avoiding Costia’s gaze and examining the foods again. Each dish closed up with a lid or tinfoil to block it from the chill of the autumn air as it waits to be dished up and served out to everyone. She feels like she’s missing something.

“It sometimes make’s Lexa uncomfortable.” Costia decides to inform her but she has much more pressing matters to worry about.

Clarke snaps with sudden realization, “Fuck the pie!” suddenly opening up different contents and looking inside of them. Key lime pie was now sitting out on her counter going to waste and she had specifically bought two because that’s Lexa’s favorite kind… This was supposed to be as perfect as she could make it in this situation and now she’s ruined everything by forgetting the pie.

“Pie?” Costia asks curiously, successfully letting the other topic go finally.

“Key lime specifically, I forgot it.” Clarke begins to pout. “It’s Lexa’s,”

“Favorite.” Costia says at the same time as Clarke, and the blonde nods only once as she crosses her arms along her chest to pout down at her spread of food. Lexa hadn’t noticed there was no pie when they’d gone through it but now that it wasn’t here, Clarke was more upset than she probably should be.

Costia seems to sense this and must take pity on her. “Why don’t you go get it?” She asks softly but Clarke can only shake her head.

“Kane doesn’t like us to leave set during shooting unless it’s only for a few minutes or something to get food or whatever.”

“Well you are getting food.” Costia encourages with a soft smile, but Clarke is still pouting.

Lexa swings the door of her trailer open and pops back out with the heated up already cooked turkey and places it in the center of the table where they had cleared a spot for it. “Anya and Raven still not here,” She looks up and immediately the smile on her face drops. “Clarke what’s wrong?” She moves to the girl’s side and Clarke can’t help but melt at the sight of concern. Lexa is absolutely perfect and she just wanted her to have a perfect dinner.

“I forgot your pie.” She pouts and feels that familiar tightness in her chest increase as Lexa smiles her warmest smile at her, the one that seems like it’s only reserved for her. She loves that smile.

“You bought me pie?” Lexa’s tone is so very soft, so very full of something that Clarke can’t name as she looks into the green eyed girl’s gaze and loses herself for a moment.

“Two pies, key lime, your favorite.” She tells her sadly, but Lexa doesn’t seem to be sad about the situation.

“I’ll survive.” She whispers as she bends closer to Clarke, like she wants to wrap her up and get lost in their own little world, it’s like their getting lost already as they stare at each other. Clarke can’t help it, and she also can’t help that she wants to pull Lexa into her arms and kiss her senseless, especially when she smiles at her like that.

Clarke pouts a little more. “It’s not a full thanksgiving dinner without pie Lexa.” She states matter-of-factly, though her pout lessens as Lexa’s fingers tangle delicately through her blonde hair.

“Looks like a full thanksgiving dinner to me.” She mumbles quietly near her ear before wrapping her arms around Clarke and pressing the girl into her body.

“I wanted it to be perfect for you.” She admits quietly, because this confession is for Lexa alone and not Costia who she can feel staring at them from her left side. She sighs as she feels the girl’s fingertips crawl up and down her spine through the material of her shirt in that comforting motion that Lexa always seems to use on her to calm her down, or just show her that she’s here for her. It makes her feel safer than most anything else ever can.

“It is perfect.” Lexa says, and then backs up slightly so she can cup Clarke’s face in her hands. “Thank you.” And she kisses the girl’s nose before pulling her back in for a hug.

Clarke sighs easily into the embrace and feels a soft smile fighting its way onto her mouth because Lexa is happy and even though she’s forgotten the pie, Lexa’s still happy and that had been the only goal all along.

“It’s at home, so we don’t have to share it now.” Clarke goes for something positive out of the mistake and smiles wider as Lexa pulls back from her and releases a beautiful laugh that makes Clarke’s head spin. She _loves_ that laugh.

“Clarke, how could you not think that’s perfect?” Lexa asks with a curiously playful raise to her eyebrow that makes the blonde shrug and smile even wider at her, any wider and she’s sure her face will split in two.

Clarke pretends not to notice the way that Costia is looking at them, but a twist in her gut is there to remind her that someone close by doesn’t approve of how her and Lexa are with each other.

 

***

 

Lexa can feel her blood boil without being able to help it. She shouldn’t be so angry about this, she shouldn’t be, but all she can imagine is being young again, being seventeen while everyone laughs at her and people throw her into lockers and trip her on the way to her seat. She shouldn’t be upset, but she is. _She is._

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Lexa, please.”

“No.” She says firm, louder than she normally ever speaks to anyone. She can feel the work of her jaw as she thinks, as the anger floats through her chest and she looks at the girl in front of her. “You don’t get to do that, after everything?” She feels disappointed, she feels dread, but anger seems to be overpowering her and there isn’t much she can do to stop it.

“Lexa I know, I know it’s not…” Costia’s fingers slip into the curls of her hair before they fall back down to her sides and she’s looking at her like… like… Lexa can’t even name, she can’t even name it. “I wasn’t going to say anything. I didn’t… want to feel this way I just,”

“Why are you telling me now?” Lexa asks the obvious anger clearly visible in her actions, in her words that she spits out venomously. She tries to tell herself to calm down, but that feels hard to do when she feels seventeen again, lost and scared of a world that doesn’t seem to want her. Calm seems like an impossible feet as the information Costia has just shared with her circles around in her head and bats at her heart. She doesn’t understand why this has to happen, why it’s happening now, why Costia is doing this. She doesn’t want to understand.

“I just…” Costia trails off. “I needed you to know.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me Costia?” Lexa feels herself snap and she wants to flee, she wants to run before she says something really stupid, something she doesn’t mean and can’t take it back. She wants to get away from her. She wants to not feel this way, this anger, this scared.

“I’m sorry,” and she knows Costia is. She knows she is by the shade of water flickering in her eyes, but the soft look on her face full of sincerity and truth and logically she should tell her it’s alright, she should tell her everything is going to be alright and that they’ll get through this like they have so many other things.

But she’s angry, she’s so very angry. “After everything? Now you decide, now you want to be with me?” She’s yelling and her voice is shaking and she hates making people cry, she hates making her friends cry, she hates making Costia cry but here she is, doing just that because she can’t get a handle on her anger, on her fear.

“I know,”

“No you don’t. You don’t know.” Lexa grabs her purse that she had set down when Costia had asked her over and flings it around her shoulder. “You humiliated me in high school because I had feelings for you.”

“Lexa that’s not fair you know I didn’t mean,”

“You didn’t mean it?” Lexa snapped. “You do this every time, you know that. You do something to try and make me stay in love with you but I’m not. I’ve moved on, and you can’t stand it. I need to get away from you.” She’s loud and angry and saying things that are hurtful she knows it. She knows what she’s doing, she knows why she’s doing it but she can’t stop herself. She can’t stop the anger from surfacing; she can’t stop the time machine in her head from taking her back to a time that made her feel terrible.

“Lexa please don’t leave yet, stay, please, let’s just talk and,”

“I can’t deal with this right now.” Lexa grabs the doorknob and flings it open walking fast out of the entrance and ignoring her name being called desperately behind her.

She doesn’t look back.

 

 

“I’m coming,” Clarke grumbles as she pulls herself from her bed, where she had been comfortably cozied up in her covers with a nice book. She hadn’t expected any visitors tonight, and Lexa was meant to be hanging out with Costia so she knows it’s not her.

She hopes the person won’t stay long and she can get back to her book, she was just getting to the good part. She thinks as she pulls the door open after unlocking it, except she doesn’t get much time to think as Lexa immediately falls into her arms, wrapping herself around Clarke and burying her face in her neck as if to hide from something. The action is sweet but so sad at the same time, and Clarke can feel the hot press of tears on her skin, immediately putting her into action and wrapping Lexa up in her arms and holding her as close as she can get her.

“ _Clarke_ ,” And her name comes out all chocked and quiet and it makes the blonde’s heart ache immensely so, her arms locking protectively around the girl as tightly as she possibly can.

“It’s okay, I’m here.” She mumbles in her ear. “I’ve got you, you’re safe.” She whispers and feels the girl shudder in her arms, melting into her comforting touches and releasing a sob into her neck.

She doesn’t know who hurt her, but she does know that she will have to tie herself to the bed to keep from killing whoever did so.

 

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Clarke’s fingers glide through Lexa’s hair as the girl breathes steadily against her. They lay with tangled limbs on Clarke’s bed, Lexa’s favorite sitcom on the television where her eyes stay locked too. Tears still stained on her cheek though she has long since stopped crying. She is achingly beautiful, even when she is so sad. 

“Not really,” Lexa mumbles quietly with a raspy voice that Clarke tries to not react to because that would not be appropriate why the girl is so sad, even if it’s an automatic response that’s beyond her control.

“Okay,” She mumbles in reply, continuing to comb back Lexa’s brown curls and reveling silently in the softness of her hair.

“Sometimes, I forget that high school is over.” Lexa whispers quietly against the skin on Clarke’s chest. Lexa’s hands are wound tightly in Clarke’s shirt as if to anchor herself to earth, as if she fears she will float away if she lets go. Clarke doesn’t mind being her anchor.

“What do you mean?” Clarke asks softly, urging Lexa to talk but not exactly pressing, because she only wants Lexa to tell her if Lexa wants her to know.

The brunette adjusts her position, so she can sit up slightly and look at Clarke’s eyes. And Clarke has to swallow down her feelings as she looks at them. They’re so green, so very beautiful and green, despite how red and swollen they’ve become from being so distraught. Clarke’s hand of its own accord is reaching up and brushing along the brunette’s cheekbone, breath catching as Lexa leans into it.

She needs Clarke’s comfort, and the blonde is all too willing to give it to her.

“People can be cruel Clarke.” Lexa’s eyes slip open from where they had fallen shut only a moment ago as she leaned into Clarke’s touch. Green washes over with a fresh wave of tears but Lexa seems to fight them off. It aches Clarke’s heart to see her like this. “High school was awful, like a nightmare.” Lexa’s hands tighten in her shirt. “People used to…” Her voice cracks and Clarke can see her struggling to get the words out.

She doesn’t want Lexa to force it. “Shh, it’s okay, you don’t have to say it.” Clarke sits up some so she can press her forehead to Lexa’s as she continues to brush her thumb across her cheek. “It’s okay; you’re safe here with me.” She kisses Lexa’s cheek gently, and then the other and then her forehead and she feels the girl relax, her grip loosening slightly. “I’ll keep you safe, I promise.” She whispers, her own voice cracking emotionally as she feels a tear touch her hand and then she’s whipping Lexa’s cheeks again.

“I got mad at her.”

“Who?”

“Costia.”

“Why?”

“She told me she loves me.” Lexa sniffs slightly. “I didn’t mean to get mad, it just made me feel,” Lexa can’t seem to find the right words and Clarke doesn’t help her too.

“It’s okay.” She comforts again, shutting down the spikes of jealous in her heart, putting her emotions aside for Lexa. “Do you feel the same way?” She asks delicately, trying to tell herself not to hope for a “no” as her answer. She doesn’t have to right too while Lexa seems to be in so much pain.

“No, I used to. I don’t now.” Clarke brushes more tears away.

“Do you think maybe that you do though? You are crying.” Clarke teases lightly and Lexa’s lips turn up only a moment before dropping back down.

“I moved on from her _Clarke_.” She says her name all stern and low and sexy and Clarke tries not to shiver to the sound. “I’m not crying because of that.” She states simply and Clarke nods at her, believing her.

“You don’t have to figure anything out now, let’s just… lay here and watch TV, and you can cry as much as you want on me.” The blonde whispers supportively, her thumb still brushing delicately across a wet cheek.

“There’s nothing to figure out. I don’t return her feelings.” Lexa’s eyes slip down to Clarke’s mouth and the blonde tries not to think about what that means. “I don’t want to lose my friend.” She admits vulnerably. “I’ve never had very many and I said… I told her she humiliated me but she never meant to. She protected me after that Clarke. And now…” Lexa blinks a minute, willing the tears to go away. “I’m going to lose my friend because I don’t feel the same for her.” And Lexa looks completely lost at a thought like that. She looks like it’s the worst thing that could happen to her and Clarke just wants to protect her from those feelings. She wants to wrap her up and take her somewhere far away from any problems or anything from her past. She wants to make her laugh and heal her. She wants to take all of the love that she can possibly find and give it to her and hope that it’s enough.

“That’s nonsense Lexa. You became friends with her when she didn’t feel that way for you. That’s how your friendship formed.” Clarke reasons, trying to make her friend feel better.

It doesn’t work much. “Yeah but that was different,”

“Not entirely.” Clarke brushes strands of hair out of Lexa’s face that keep falling in the way. “Tomorrow you can talk to her again. Tell her the truth; I doubt she’s going to not want to be friends with you anymore.” She encourages her friend with a soft smile and delicate touches that Lexa seems to revel visibly in. She likes that Lexa can be so affectionate and vulnerable with her, she likes that Lexa trusts her enough to be.

“And if she doesn’t?”

“Well come back here, and you can cry while I feed you key lime pie?”

“Can you feed me key lime pie now?” She asks cutely and Clarke’s heart beats hard and fast and aches with this new feeling that won’t stop squeezing inside of her. She’s almost sure it’s going to kill her. It’s powerful and amazing, but it’s also slightly painful and almost bigger than anything Clarke has ever felt before, and it’s all for Lexa. Every last drop of it is for this beautiful girl in front of her and she doesn’t know at all how to handle that.

“Yes I can,” She presses a soft kiss to Lexa’s mouth, just a comfort kiss, a “ _I have to part from you and I don’t want to but I have to for two seconds but I’ll be right back”_ kind of kiss and slowly untangles herself from Lexa, but as she makes to get up, Lexa is tugging her arm to pull her back down, climbing into her laps and kissing her hard and deep with an urgency that makes Clarke forget everything for a moment. Her brain fogs over with the press of Lexa’s tongue in her mouth, a deep moan leaving her throat before she can stop it as Lexa pushes her back into the bed, straddling her hips and tugging at her bottom lip as her hand slides up the soft expanse of Clarke’s belly.

Everything inside of her swoops at the feeling, a warmth rushing through her and spreading between her legs, a physical response. Her fingers tangling in Lexa’s hair to keep her close as the brunette’s tongue brushes roughly with her own. Her body burns as Lexa’s fingers climb up her skin, across her ribcage, her hips pushing up into Lexa’s before she can even think about it.

This feels so fucking good that it takes her minutes to finally gain some semblance of control of herself and tugs on Lexa’s hair light but forceful enough so the girl gets the hint. Their lips breaking apart and Lexa lifts from her barely as they both take in mouthfuls of much needed oxygen.

Lexa’s eyes are darker than Clarke has ever seen them, as her face glows with the different flashes coming from Clarke’s television screen. The volume is low, but Clarke hadn’t even been able to hear it over her own heartbeat, that was still throbbing in her chest as she gazed into the most beautiful eyes in the world. Her fingertips brush across Lexa’s swollen lips as she struggles to think of something to say to her that will at all make sense in a moment like this, but the silence felt like it shouldn’t be broken.

Soon, Lexa was bending down again, her mouth hovering over Clarke’s until the blonde reached up and closed the space to kiss her much slower, less urgent. Their kisses deep and intense just as they always are but slow and beautiful. Lexa’s body relaxing against her, pressing her weight into Clarke, adjusting so she’s between Clarke’s legs and bringing the blonde’s thighs tightly around her waist and their bodies are flush against each other.

There’s a low ache between Clarke’s thighs that grows the longer they kisses this beautiful girl on top of her but Clarke can’t imagine putting a stop to it. Her entire body screaming at her to never part from this girl that seeks her comfort, that begs for her attention, and desires her kisses.

Lexa Woods is beautiful and Clarke is falling fast.


	6. you're breaking down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, this one's a bit depressing actually, so there's some fluff but this chapter is more angsty. I'm proud of it though, so I hope you guys like it and you don't get too mad at anyone or anything. 
> 
> What's a story without drama right? ;)

##  _Winter, 2014/15_

Clarke waking up wrapped in Lexa is becoming normal, incredibly normal. Clarke kissing Lexa whenever they are alone is also normal, something friends don’t do but they do all the time. Where there had been hesitance beforehand, it’s almost as if that is gone now, replaced instead by unfiltered desire and insatiable passion.

Clarke can’t get enough of her. She can’t get enough of the way Lexa feels against her mouth or tastes against her tongue. She can’t for the life of her stop kissing Lexa Woods, in fact, just thinking about stopping makes her want to throw up. She knows she doesn’t have the will power to force herself to quit, she knows she doesn’t because Lexa feels like heaven, she’s like a light that only builds Clarke up and she knows she isn’t strong enough to give that up.

Lexa doesn’t seem to want to stop either, always pressing Clarke into the door right after it shuts or pulling Clarke into her lap when they’re on the couch and pressing her lips to areas of her skin that make Clarke shudder. She knows exactly how to kiss her by now that has Clarke insides turning and heat rising through her body until he has to force herself to part from Lexa just so she can get handle on herself.

They both know they aren’t really practicing. It’s just a ruse by this point, an excuse to keep them from talking about their feelings, a lie that saves them from having to acknowledge what they both are feeling, or at least, what Clarke is feeling. She figures Lexa must feel something; the way the brunette kisses her can only be done by at least a semblance of returned feelings. But returned feelings aren’t Clarke’s biggest concern.

Clarke’s biggest concern is having the feelings at all.

She knows by now that she cannot fight them. She knows that. That’s the only reason she had thought of this dumb excuse in the first place, because she winds up kissing Lexa whenever they are alone anyway. But now the justification feels limiting and Clarke’s feelings only grow at an exponential rate with every visit. She wants to tell Lexa, to be honest with this girl that she likes so very much, whom is also her friend, but she knows she can’t. She can’t just tell her like she desires to do so badly because that’s not what Lexa needs from her and that’s not what Clarke is allowed to do.

Clarke is not allowed to fall for her… but Clarke’s heart doesn’t care about that. With Clarke’s life being led for her and Lexa’s recent revelations of her own life, with Lexa’s hard past and Costia pining after her, she needs a friend more than she needs another person to tell her that she wants to be with her. She needs Clarke’s comfort more than she needs Clarke’s romantic companionship.

With Clarke’s life so tumultuous, she’d only taint anything good that they can become… it feels already tainted. It feels already tainted but Clarke still can’t stop kissing her. Clarke still can’t stop using the word _practice_ to disguise the fact that she is falling head over heels for a girl when she can’t actually be with her.

Waking up with her arms wrapped tightly around that same girl is not helpful to the situation either. Waking up like this most mornings for the last two weeks is also not helpful. Clarke isn’t making it easier on them, on herself, on Lexa. Clarke isn’t being fair, and it’s an early Wednesday morning when she comes to that realization, when she allows herself to come to that realization.

Lexa is fast asleep against her, hands wound in her t-shirt, breath heavy against the skin on her collarbone. Clarke’s arms are around her tightly, holding her as close as she can get her, as if when the blonde sleeps, she fears Lexa will disappear from her. Maybe she is afraid of that, because she doesn’t know how long she and Lexa can really keep pretending that they’re just practicing.

Lexa’s legs are tangled with her own; there is no space between them. The fact makes Clarke’s heart loud and heavy in her chest as her thoughts circulate disobligingly. She doesn’t want to think them, she doesn’t want to think about it… but she has no choice. She’d have to think about it eventually and with the sun coming up and the world so quiet at this very moment, her brain is bound to over-think. She is a classic, textbook over-thinker.

She isn’t being fair, that’s what she thinks as Lexa sleeps soundly against her. All this time she’s thinking about how she can kiss Lexa and not have to worry about explaining it but she hasn’t really thought about how that might be for Lexa. Though Lexa has encouraged her and said yes to the whole idea, it still feels like she’s not being fair.

She can’t help that a piece of her is selfishly happy Lexa has said no to Costia, that Lexa continues to kiss her with all the knowledge that they don’t talk about their feelings, that Lexa seems to like kissing her as much as Clarke does. Selfishly she doesn’t want Lexa to be with Costia, she doesn’t want Lexa to want to be with Costia, to hold any feelings for the girl ever again. She doesn’t want Costia to try and be with Lexa.

She wants Lexa to stay right here with her in this bed. She never wants to leave.

She can’t stop her fingertips from gliding across Lexa’s balled up hands that are tangled tightly in her shirt. She admires them, her hands, they’re so lovely. She moves toward her hair; to brush back tangled brown strands of beautiful hair that Clarke can’t get enough of. Her eyes following features that she can manage to see from her position. She cannot take her eyes off her because that’s just the way things have been with Lexa, ever since she met her in that little coffee shop and she pinned her with that stunning smile.

Clarke thinks she’s probably been falling ever since.

But the blonde girl still can’t tell her something like that and she’s not sure after the way Lexa was about Costia telling how she felt, that Lexa would even want to hear her say something like that to her. Clarke’s been through and through those thoughts and the conversation after and she can’t imagine that Lexa would react much differently if Clarke did tell her all these thoughts and feelings she had. They are friends, really great friends, Lexa has even called Clarke her best friend and with the small confession that she can’t really make new friends, Clarke isn’t sure that Lexa would be very enthusiastic about the blonde’s thought process.

Clarke feels her lips turn up slightly as Lexa mumbles something in her sleep. Of course this beautiful girl has two friends pining for her attention, for her love. Of course she does because Lexa Woods is so easy to fall for. With that beautiful smile and stunning personality of course she is. Clarke can’t imagine feeling any other way about Lexa than she does at this moment or all the other moments before this moment.

She can’t fight it. She knows that.

“ _Clarke_ ,” And her voice is all low and raspy and seeking comfort from the blonde, clicking the “k” to the roof of her mouth so she can feel the blonde shiver below her.

“Mmm?” Clarke mumbles into the quiet air, fingers still grazing gently through lovely brown strands of hair, trying to control her heartbeat as Lexa snuggles in closer to her at the realization that the blonde is still here, still wrapped around her, still holding her as close as she can get her. It’s endearing and has Clarke falling harder because it really doesn’t take much. Lexa doesn’t have to do very much. All she has to do is smile, or mumble her name just like that, or breathe even and Clarke is falling and falling. In fact, Clarke is almost certain at this point that Lexa doesn’t even have to be in the same place as her; just thinking about her will have Clarke heading toward the inevitable ground that comes with these feelings.

How unlucky is she to fall for a girl when she can’t, but oh how lucky she is to fall for Lexa.

“I don’t want to get up.” She whines softly and Clarke feels that powerful feeling in her heart that she’s been getting lately, taking over her chest. So much affection inflicting her until she’s breathing heavier and maybe holding Lexa a little tighter, keeping her close like she’s afraid with Lexa knew consciousness, she too will come to all the same conclusions that Clarke has and pull away from her.

“You can sleep more,” Clarke confirms, knowing it’s only around six in the morning, but her heart is probably pounding fast and it’s almost painfully doing so against her breastbone, and she knows Lexa can hear it, she knows.

“Can’t, you’re thinking too loud.” The girl croaks, hands unwinding from her shirt to flex around her body and pull her closer, snuggling into the blonde’s neck until Clarke’s releasing a shaky breath with the action.

“I’ll try to stop.” Clarke tries to sound amused, tries to joke but she knows her emotions and her feelings are swallowing her up. She’s never been the best at hiding herself quite the same way that Lexa is. Lexa can do it so much better than she can, even if she averagely is an open book to Clarke, there are still so many things that Clarke just can’t figure out.

She knows Lexa likes kissing her, but she doesn’t know why, and that’s bothering her this morning. “Tell me,” Lexa prods gently, not assertive. If Clarke tells her no, Lexa won’t push, that’s just not Lexa. But of course the brunette can just sense there is something wrong with Clarke, she can probably feel it lying so closely against her, but Clarke knows she can’t actually tell her.

She can’t tell Lexa that she is falling in love with her. “I was thinking about how you haven’t been back to your apartment for two weeks.” Clarke whispers and feels Lexa tense slightly against her body. She doesn’t hesitate to continue though. “I found your phone off.” The blonde tangles her fingers through the girl’s hair to relax her, and it seems to work. “You should talk to her.” She says even softer because she knows Lexa misses her friend, and she knows how Lexa has procrastinated the conversation with her.

She doesn’t much like confrontation. “I don’t want too.”

The blonde sighs slightly. “Yes you do.” Clarke confirms. “Remember what we talked about,” She’s trying to be helpful in a way that keeps her mind off her own thoughts and instead she focuses on Lexa’s, on what Lexa might need, on being a good friend to the pretty brunette girl rather than a love-struck fool.

“Clarke.” Lexa sits up now and Clarke immediately misses her warmth, suddenly feeling slightly cold at even slightly parting from her. “I’m afraid I’ll get mad again and I won’t be able to tell her the truth.” Her green eyes are soft and honest and Clarke can feel her heart in her mouth before she can stop it. Lexa looks beautiful in the morning, when she’s just waking up. She herself can never look as magnificent as Lexa does, and she briefly wonders how the girl manages to do.

She supposes it’s only natural.

Clarke smiles softly at her, cupping her cheek with the palm of her hand and feeling her heart melt as the brunette leans into her touch. “You won’t get mad. She knows you needed time.” She brushes her thumb against the girl’s cheek bone and resists the urge to kiss her. Her eyes dropping low obviously, only briefly thankful for this moment that Lexa seems to be wrapped up in her comforting touch and still sleepy enough to not be able to tell that Clarke is keeping something from her.

She says what she says next without thinking it through. “Maybe we should stop practicing.” And she regrets saying it immediately, but it comes out anyway because it’s all she’s been thinking about all morning, because she knows it’s not fair to kiss Lexa and keep her from other girls if she’s not going to be with Lexa like that, because she knows she can’t be with Lexa like that no matter how badly she wants to be.

Lexa jerks away from her touch. Immediately a confused look crosses her features. “Why?” and Lexa’s voice sounds lost with the simple word, twisting Clarke’s stomach until she’s actually sure she’s about to throw up.

“It’s not helping you.” Clarke whispers slightly and Lexa’s eyebrows knit together further as thoughts filter their way across her mind. She looks hurt slightly and Clarke wants to take the words back and swallow them so they never come back up ever again, just so Lexa will never ever look at her like that again.

But it’s too late, she’s said them already. “What do you mean by that?” The brunette asks far too seriously and sits up in the bed, pulling her warmth completely from Clarke so the blonde has to swallow her feelings the best she can and sit up too.

She wants to go back to sleep. “We’re,” And Clarke feels her throat close up slightly so she has to stop and clear it before she continues. She never imagined telling Lexa she wants to stop would be so hard. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but this feels almost impossible. “It’s not good for you.” Her voice cracks as she says it, like she’s in pain and maybe she is. She doesn’t know if that’s what this sinking feeling is, she just wishes Lexa wouldn’t look at her like that.

“I don’t know what that means,” Lexa sounds slightly angry. It makes Clarke wince, and immediately that anger is gone, and the brunette is shifting closer to her again. “I’m not mad,” She says softer, a hand touching Clarke’s again and the trace is comforting, making the blonde feel safe and dissipating her nerves and the pain that had started in her chest, she wonders why that new development has happened and if it will continue to happen or if she’s just feeling extra emotional this morning. “If you want to stop, we’ll stop.” Lexa whispers it like the statement hurts and Clarke finds herself shaking her head.

“I don’t want to stop.” And she hates herself for not being strong enough. “I just want you to be happy.” Clarke confides because she feels like she can’t make Lexa happy and she’s holding her back by continuing this “practicing” that they both know isn’t just practice anymore, that it never really was just practice, not really.

“Clarke,” Lexa shifts closer again and her warmth is back as she moves herself into Clarke’s lap. The blonde immediately wraps her arms around her without hesitation and watches how Lexa smiles at her, that beautiful stunning smile she is falling so hard for, that smile that makes her more comfortable and less anxious, that smile that’s been getting her through all her hardest days, and today feels like it’s going to be hard day.

“You make me happy.” Lexa whispers it like it’s a secret, like if she says it too loud it’ll shatter something important. Maybe it will. “You’re my best friend…” Lexa’s fingers brush through the side of Clarke’s hair and the blonde fights the desire to lean into it. “I like being kissed.” Lexa presses her forehead to Clarke’s and the blonde’s strength is absolutely obliterated.

She can’t stop this. “I like being kissed too.” Clarke confesses lightly and it’s not really a confession, because they aren’t saying exactly what they want to say, but it’s enough of one that the brunette is smiling, it’s enough of one that they both know practicing is their ruse and the longer they play it the harder it’s going to be to break it.

 

***

 

“Lexa!” Anya shouts at her in disbelief. She’s not exactly angry, but she’s clearly disappointed and Lexa knows why. She probably doesn’t exactly have the right to be, but Anya gets weird about these kinds of things, only because she’s always been very protective of Lexa, even when they were much smaller, Anya has always tried to shield her from things, even the things that she couldn’t control.

“I know, I’m sorry I just had to think and,” Lexa cuts off when Anya sighs that motherly sigh she gives her when she disagrees with a course of action she has taken, but it’s not exactly disappointment in her. Lexa has assumed recently that Anya just never likes knowing she wasn’t there for Lexa when she could have been, even if Lexa didn’t exactly go to her.

“I know you did. I’m not angry, I just… why didn’t you come to me with this, you’ve been staying with Clarke? That can’t have been helpful.” Anya has that tone she gets when she believes she knows more about a subject then Lexa. The brunette usually finds it annoying but she doesn’t mind so much tonight, she could use the advice from her rather than just Clarke, whom her heart beats far too fast for.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Lexa asks with a raise to her eyebrow and Anya rolls her eyes.

“I like Clarke, I really do, but that girl has a crush on you. You think she’s going to give you an unbiased opinion?” Anya looks at her like she should already know this but the information sinks it like Lexa isn’t at all aware that Clarke could possibly have feelings like that. Realistically, the way that their relationship has progressed and the way that Clarke is with her are all proof of her feelings, but Lexa’s heart still does that freak out thing like she herself hasn’t thought over these possibilities until Anya has voiced them out loud.

She hates her heart sometimes. “Crush?”

“Lexa she stares at you twenty four seven, Raven told me…” And then Anya stops, mouth shutting immediately like she had spoken too much and Lexa’s eyebrows knit together curiously with the action. She can’t help but examine Anya’s sudden tense posture and she wonders what the girl may know that Lexa doesn’t, what Raven may have told her, what Raven has probably heard from Clarke.

Anya knew she wasn’t getting out of this one, and Lexa knew that she wasn’t going to let her. “Raven told you what?” The brunette asks carefully, pinning her friend with a serious glare that Anya immediately looks away from her.

“She didn’t tell me anything. That’s not the point,” Anya tries to push forward past her slip up, but all it takes is one look from Lexa and she knows she can’t escape an explanation.

“Oh no, you don’t get to do that.” Lexa’s voice rises as she stands from the sofa to grab her friend’s attention. “What did Raven say,” Her voice is all demanding, a reminder of the nickname Anya has given her in the past.

Anya is shaking her head as her brunette friend trains her with that stare. Anyone else would feel the effects of it, but Anya was often rather resistant to the glare. She didn’t however, like having Lexa annoyed with her, so of course she would give in. “Lexa, she’ll kill me and I was just,”

“What did Raven say,”

“Clarke likes you Lexa. A lot.” And the brunette feels her heart rate spike rapidly, as if hearing those words out loud make it all the more real and she doesn’t know how to get it to stop. She didn’t have a lot of doubts that Clarke didn’t at least like her somewhat; she wouldn’t be kissing her if she didn’t. Clarke liking her wasn’t really the problem they both had; it was Clarke accepting that she likes her that was more of the problem… if Clarke liked her enough to want to be with her that is.

The words still made her swallow, the words still made the air she tried to take into her lungs much harder to reach. Those words, turning over and over in her head until it’s just a jumble of mixed up letters as Lexa’s heart pitter patters pathetically for a blonde girl that may or may not ever decide to be with her in that way. She wishes she wasn’t so weak for this situation, for wanting to be with her even when she knows there is a possibility that will never happen. She’s weak maybe, for having hope, she’s been fooled with this once before, but hope is still there, shining brightly in her mind until it’s convinced her it’s okay, no matter what happens, it’ll be okay.

“I just think, if you consider her feelings she’s not the best person to go to when it comes to Costia.” Anya’s voice is soft as she watches Lexa work through her words, watches the features on her friend’s face change and the knit in her eyebrows grow more prominent. Lexa knows Anya doesn’t know what to do with this, she doesn’t quite know what advice to give because she herself has been wrong in the past about what Lexa should do when it comes to girl that may or may not like her. She doesn’t want to give her wrong advice again, and in this moment, that’s a very real possibility, because how do you go about someone like Clarke?

“I just wound up there; I was on my way to you.” Lexa admits, passing over Anya’s confession and taking a seat again. She’ll try not to think too deeply about it much longer, as she knows that if she does, the next time she sees Clarke she’ll end up saying something about it because word vomit is an issue with that girl, as she can’t seems to put on a face around her, always laying her cards down like she has nothing to protect, like her heart isn’t that important. She has no filter when it comes to her and she still hasn’t quite figured out why that is.

“Don’t get mad at me, but I’ve known about Costia for a while.” Anya interrupts her reverie with another confusing confession and Lexa finds her gaze again, she’s pretty sure there a permanent knit to her eyebrows now.

“What do you mean?” She asks softly.

“Her feelings. It’s why I even encouraged it in high school. I didn’t think that would turn out so…” Anya shakes her head. “Costia told me already.” Anya sighs heavily, like she believes she should have done something about this sooner, before Costia had said anything to Lexa, before this had blown up and found its way between the two girls.

Lexa doesn’t think that way however, Anya can’t protect her from everything and something like this, she doesn’t need protecting from, even if she did act a little over the top.  “She told you, how long ago?”

“They’ve been sort of there for her… for a while, but I think she really got it when she saw you with Clarke.” Anya confirms softly, placing this sympathetic gaze on her friend like that will help make this situation better.

The information slightly irks at Lexa’s nerves, a soft, “That’s ridiculous” leaves her before she can stop herself.

“Trust me Lexa, I agree. But…” Anya feels her fingers tangle through her hair. “I like Clarke, remember that, but I don’t think you should… hold out for her Lexa.” Anya takes a seat beside her. “She’s… not in a place that’s… she’s got this thing.” Anya’s hands move with her words as if she can’t find the right way to say what she exactly wants to.

Lexa finds that her eyes are rolling before she can stop them. “Why do you act like you know more about her than I do?” because Lexa knows Anya doesn’t. Lexa hasn’t gotten to know Clarke really well, so well she’s sure she knows more about Clarke than she even knows about her own self.

“I know you know this… I’m just making sure you really know it. Clarke isn’t the kind of girl to just accept that she likes you and embrace it, she’s going to fight herself about it, she’s going to hurt you doing it. I don’t want to see that.” Anya’s being protective again, giving her that motherly look she’s often given her before and Lexa feels her heart beat a little slower at the realization that her friend is literally more concerned about protecting her.

Lexa sighs and shakes her head. “Clarke’s… different Anya,”

“I know you think that,”

“No, I know that.” Lexa says sternly, to get her friend to listen. That seems to do the trick, Anya’s mouth snapping shut as she stares after Lexa. “She needs someone to be there for her while she figures that out, she doesn’t need a girlfriend. She needs a friend and I want to be that friend. I don’t care if she never wants to date me; I just want her to know I’m going to be here for her, with this, or anything else that she might struggle with because that’s what friends do. I’m not just standing at the sidelines waiting to date this girl; I’m in the bleachers, supporting her.”

“Are you trying to pull a sports reference or something?” Anya teases and Lexa only rolls her eyes.

“Shut up, I’m serious.” Her tone does that stern thing again and it kind of only makes Anya more amused that she was briefly before.

“I know.” Her friend says and wraps her arms around Lexa to hug her and Lexa falls into it comfortably. “I really don’t want to see you get hurt.” She whispers quietly, like she actually dreads the outcome, like she would do anything to never see that happen.

It makes Lexa’s heart ache because Anya has always been with way with her; Anya has always been her family. “I probably will get hurt. Promise you’ll be there anyways.”

“I’m always going to be here.” Anya promises, squeezing Lexa a little tighter and a little more caringly.

 

***

 

“Lexa,” Costia looks shocked when she opens the door and the brunette doesn’t blame her, she can’t. Lexa has had her phone off for weeks, seeking comfort in the arms of her favorite blonde every night until the girl had to leave for her hometown on Saturday. She was only now just here, doing this because she knows she can’t keep putting it off, no matter how much she dreads talking about her feelings. It’s always like pulling teeth, everyone that knows her knows that, but she knows this has to be done.

Costia is her friend and she wants Costia to stay her friend and that can’t happen if she doesn’t allow them both to have a serious conversation. “Can I come in?” Lexa asks delicately, her voice is slightly hard even though she doesn’t quite mean for it to be and she watches guiltily the effect it has on her friend, who looks so defeated that it makes Lexa hate herself all over again.

“Yeah,” Costia says sadly, pulling the door open wide so Lexa can walk in and she shuts it closed behind her, locking it and slowly turning back around so she’s able to face Lexa when the brunette turns as well.

It’s awkward, the brief silence that overtakes them as Lexa turns around to look at her, but awkward or not Lexa knows she has to do this. She came here to fix things, to finally stop procrastinating this conversation and be as honest as she can, like Clarke had told her to do. She knows she could lose her friend over this, and as much as that pained her, she had to have this exchange anyways. “I came to apologize and to talk about… things.” She waves her hand as if this conversation had a physical appearance they could both look at. Lexa almost thinks that, that would be helpful.

“You don’t have to apologize I should apologize I shouldn’t have…” Costia stops talking as Lexa’s hand flies up to silence her and Lexa is so very glad that she is willingly cooperating today. Costia is usually the type to babble on until someone is shouting over her to finally get her to listen, though today Costia doesn’t exactly seem like she’s in much the mood to fight through a conversation and that, relieving Lexa somewhat, also makes her sad because she knows it’s kind of her fault.

She tries to focus on the fact that this makes things easier for a conversation that she knows is going to be hard rather than the guilty feeling of hurting one of her best friend’s emotional state circulates through her. “I reacted badly.” Lexa softens as much as she can, aware that her walls are still up rather high and wishing it was easier to tear them down, if only for a moment. “I got scared and worried that this would mean our friendship is over because I don’t return your feelings, and I know that, that is still a possibility. But I hope not?” Lexa tries to appear sincere and as soft as she can but she feels like a part of her, the part that always fights vulnerability, is still built up with walls and visibly so, these walls as high as they can manage to go.

“You think after everything we’ve been through that I’m not going to want to be friends with you anymore because you don’t want to date me?” And then Costia laughs and that completely throws Lexa for a loop because she doesn’t find this situation or this conversation funny in the slightest. She’s been dreading it for weeks, and now here her friend is, laughing at her. “Lexa, no,” She shakes her head, stepping closer but no too close which Lexa is thankful for because she isn’t quite sure how she’d handle the proximity at this moment in time.

She’s just happy that Costia is looking less sad by the minute and has that pretty smile on her face, even if it is at her expense. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Lexa confides easily, and watches as Costia’s features soften further, her eyes moving around the features of Lexa’s face as whatever thoughts are going through her head circulate and form and pass on. Lexa wishes she could read her mind, only for this moment, because Costia seems as closed off as Lexa does and the brunette really doesn’t know how to take that.

“Lexa, you didn’t do anything wrong. I sprung that on you. I was feeling…” Costia shook her head. “I was never going to say anything but Clarke said something to me about… being honest I guess and I don’t know, it kind of stuck with me.” Another loop, Lexa is completely thrown for another loop. When the hell did Clakre and Costia talk about Costia’s feelings for her and why would Clarke offer her advice on the subject?

 _Be honest_ seems to be Clarke’s go to advice apparently.

“You told Clarke?” Lexa asks stunned, she knows it’s visible on her face because Costia stares at her silently a moment, taking in her features further, a longer period of time then absolutely necessary.

She looks sheepish as she shrugs and shoulders and says, “Is that weird?” And Lexa doesn’t have to answer for her to know that yes, the brunette finds it be rather weird. “I didn’t really tell her, she just kind of guessed.” Costia shrugged her shoulders and looked down at her feet, covered in fuzzy socks that emphasized she was having a relaxing evening.

Lexa just can’t wrap her head around this turn of events. “Clarke encouraged you to tell me?” This confused Lexa because she wouldn’t understand why. If Clarke really did like her, why would she ask another girl to tell her of her feelings? It’s not like it was an ill-intentioned decision. Clarke’s been so pressing about Costia in the past that it was more encouragement to something else… but _it doesn’t make sense_. Clarke is kissing her, Clarke tells her friends that she likes her, Clarke is fighting feelings for her and yet… she’s told Costia to be honest with Lexa about this?

_Why?_

“Not too much, she just told me to be honest with you and I guess I took that more to heart then I thought I would.” Costia shrugs sheepishly and Lexa has to fight off the confused feelings that seem to twist in her gut. Does she even have the right to be annoyed by this? Does it makes sense at all for her to get slightly upset that Clarke would give this advice to another girl when she’s told other people that she really likes her?

Lexa is just confused.

The brunette tries to swallow this feeling that’s unidentifiable but not good rising in the pit of her stomach. “It’s respectable that you told me.” Now is not the time to get lost in her thoughts, to over-think and re-think and confuse herself further. She came here on a mission and she can’t achieve that goal if she doesn’t stay focused on it. Getting distracted with the confusing nature of Clarke Griffin is something she can save for later as she tries to fall asleep in her cold bed, without the blonde wrapped up against her body. “Even though I reacted the way that I did, we can get through it… if you want to still be friends that is?” Lexa asks sounding less unsure and anxious and hard again, her walls too high for the discussion she’s trying to have.

“Of course I still want to be friends.” Costia chuckles. “All this time I thought I had to protect you from getting hurt again by other girls and yet here I am, still hurting you.” And the laugh has no humor in it, just pain that makes Lexa feel lots of things she hasn’t felt in a long time.

Mostly, it’s just sympathy and regret. “Costia,” Lexa feels her heart sink and she steps closer to the girl. “I’m okay, and I’m glad you were honest. I’m sorry I reacted so badly, I shouldn’t have.” She wants to touch the girl to comfort her, but she doesn’t, instead she just tries to willfully ease her through her soft gaze.

It seems to help somewhat. “Can I hug you?” She asks self-consciously and Lexa can’t help that she finds it slightly endearing, nodding her head and opening her arms for the other girl who immediately falls into the embrace.

Lexa has always felt comfortable with Costia, her hugs always warm and very soft… though there’s something missing about it that Lexa can’t quite put her finger on. “I’ve missed you.” Lexa admits softly and she feels Costia nod into her neck.

“Me too,” She mumbles but it’s muffled and Lexa tries not to think about all the things that Costia has told her, instead trying desperately to focus on the fact that she gets to keep her friend and why that is a good thing.

She isn’t sure how to feel about everything she’s learned.

 

***

 

            Clarke has never been very comfortable at home, but she gets to see her brother and that’s always important to her. He’s only six now and he’s not exactly sure of why Clarke is never around, but he does know she’s on TV and he thinks that’s cool so he never much questions it, always asking if he can come visit her someday… she hopes one day she’ll be able to tell him yes.

“Does she have any siblings,” He asks the hundredth million question he could possibly ask about Lexa that night, crashing one hot wheels car into the next as Clarke lays on the floor with him, mostly only watching him while she gets the chance too, knowing at any moment her mother will waltz in and ruin their time together.

“She used too.” Clarke informs softly, a smile on her face as he makes sputtering noises in the back of his throat with the fake vehicles. He’s adorable and looks more like Clarke’s dad than she ever did when she was younger. She admires it; she admires him, and misses her father. She knows he would be proud of his son if he could see him.

“Used too?” He stops what he’s doing for a second to meet Clarke’s gaze and the blonde nods, holding her head up in the palm of her hands that’s propped up against the carpeted floor. It’s going to leave marks on her skin but she doesn’t much mind while she lays here watching her brother.

“He passed on like Dad did.” She informs him gently, as easily as she can put something like that for his little mind to work through.

He does the same thinking face Clarke’s dad used to do, and the blonde finds it even more endearing on his little features. “Like when I was born?”

“Yeah,” Clarke confirms and the boy’s frown deepens.

“That’s really sad Clarke,” He pushes his cars aside and crawls toward his sister, she sits up for him and allows him to crawl into her lap… This is the only other person in her life that can produce an abundant amount of affection in her heart and make her overwhelmed with the feeling of it all. She doesn’t fight this deep love she has for her brother, wishing only that she got to see him more than she does now, hoping that he gets only the good sides of their mother and never has to witness the sides that Clarke does.

“It is but she’s alright.” Clarke comforts him as he nods his little head at her.

“Do I get to meet her Clarke?” The boy presses his hands to Clarke’s cheeks and she can’t help the small laugh that the action produces.

“I don’t know buddy.” Clarke mumbles as he moves his hands to tangle through parts of her hair. He seems mesmerized by the strands for a moment and Clarke’s heart soars and aches with how adorable it is.

“I want too,” He informs her confidently and Clarke can only chuckle at him.

“Why?” She asks gently, brushing her fingertips through soft blonde hair.

“You love her.” He says cutely and Clarke feels her heart beat increase as the words leave his mouth. He’s too small to know exactly how Clarke is falling in love with her, but she’s not about to confirm or explain any of that to him. She can’t even explain it to herself, let alone managing to say it out loud to a six year old boy.

“I love you.” She says to him and presses a kiss to his nose that he wrinkles it up at, though he smiles at the affection. He loves attention.

“Do you think she would love me too?” He seems concerned about this and Clarke’s smile is harder and harder to fight, she cannot keep it from growing, much in the same way she never can when she spends time with her brother.

“She probably would, she’d probably try to steal you.” She informs him and listens to his giggle as she tickles his sides slightly.

“Is she fun?” He laughs through the question.

“Why are you so curious?”

“Because you love her Clarke, if you love her I love her.” Clarke feels that affection overwhelm her heart again and she can’t help that her eyes water a little bit. To distract herself she places kisses against the boy’s cheek and listens as he shrieks playfully away from her touch. He’d never admit that he loves Clarke’s kisses. His sister is his favorite person in the world.

“Jake, time for bed.” And sure enough Abby Griffin is interrupting them, the little boy jumping from Clarke’s lap to stand and protest her words, his head shaking harshly from side to side. His sister is here and she’s not here often, sleep is something he wants to fight because what if she leaves and doesn’t come back tomorrow and he misses her for another year?

“It’s okay, I’ll be here tomorrow.” And at that the boy relents, hugging his sister tightly.

“Promise?” And once Clarke has confirmed and he’s let go and willingly bounces out of the room to prepare for bed, his mother follows him down the hall. Clarke stands and follows them as well, watching how her mother only seems soft with him, her actions no longer hard or cold as they normally are with Clarke and everybody else she knows around her.

Clarke remembers how her mother used to be with her and desperately misses that woman in this moment, getting to see a glimpse of her is heartbreaking, though she is glad that Jake is receiving the love he deserves in his home, even if Clarke does not get the same treatment. He needs to be raised knowing he is cared for and if her mother can manage to do that for only one of them, Clarke is glad that it is him.

Once Jake is tucked in bed, Abby is back to being cold with her, short words and demanding tones. It’s in this moment that Clarke decides her mother will never be who she once was, and she has to accept that. She also has to stop letting her shove her around, and she’s sure that tomorrow she’ll sit her down and have a conversation about her feelings for Lexa with her so she can stop fighting herself and maybe advance forward. She just wants to the possibility to be able to, even if that’s not right away, she doesn’t want to be held back anymore. Not when she’s falling as fast and as hard as she is falling for Lexa.

“I need to talk to you about something.” Abby’s voice is all stern and Clarke only nods to it, used to her tone. She is no doubt upset about something very small, something as simple as Clarke using the wrong glass, or not giving Jake the right instructions while he puts together a puzzle. Her mother always has something to say about anything that she does, something negative and demeaning and it’s been happening sense her father passed on… of course she learned why a few years ago, but knowing that her mother still has those thoughts about her only hurt to think about.

It’s wasn’t her fault.

She follows her into the living room, away from Jake’s door and prepares for the onslaught of whatever it is her mother wants to nag her about now, whatever she suddenly disapproves of. “Jake has been talking a lot about that Lexa girl lately.” She’s got that knowing tilt to her right eyebrow that Clarke has come to hate. Her hand on her hip and that coldness in her gaze that Clarke hopes Jake never ever has to see directed at him.

“He watches the show with Wells, he’s just curious,” Clarke tries to reason, but she can tell by her mother’s stance, and the fact that the woman hasn’t yelled at her all day, that she won’t escape this one without her being unreasonable. Abby Griffin loves to fight with her and Clarke will never quite understand why.

“And you know I disapprove of the show right.” Abby’s eyebrow rises higher and Clarke finds her blue eyes watching it without almost an uncontainable amount of annoyance. She tries to hide her feelings, perhaps she does well, but Abby seems to love getting on Clarke’s every last nerve and the blonde knows the woman won’t stop until she does.

“That’s not fair; I bet you’ve never seen it.”

“I’ve seen enough Clarke.” Her mother is hard with her, if there is emotion in her Clarke can’t find it. “You only took this roll to upset me, I know it.” Her tone is heavy and growing slightly louder, though Clarke knows she won’t exactly shout with Jake being in the house and only down the hall, his door only cracked open rather than completely shut.

“Not everything I do is centered on you, believe it or not.” Clarke scoffs angrily, watching as her mother’s nostrils flare with the statement, as if Clarke is the one being ridiculous in this current situation, as if Clarke is the one trying to create a rise out of her own mother, to ridicule and belittle her every chance she gets.

“You should know that I don’t at all approve of the relationship you’re portraying in this show with this Lexa girl and I’m not okay with Jake seeing his sister like that.” Abby’s tone is cold and colder with every responding statement. Clarke can barely believe her ears because Abby Griffin never cared about things like this before, only after her father’s death did Abby show any resentment and that was only when it was Clarke performing the actions. It never made any sense to Clarke, and even now, after so much time, after all she’s learned between councilors and all the time and conversations her and her mother have had, she still doesn’t quite get it.

“I don’t understand you mom,” Clarke feels the anger rise in her before she can tame it, though she is careful that her voice never rises higher than a simple exclamation just in case Jake is still awake and able to hear them. Last year he interrupted their fight with tears and begged them to stop and Clarke never wanted to make her brother cry like that again. “You never cared about stuff like this when it was my friends, but you can’t stand it when it’s me.”

“It’s one thing seeing it on someone you don’t know, but your own daughter?”

“It’s 2014 mom, sometimes girls like girls.”

“Sometimes they do, but that doesn’t mean you have too.” Abby’s voice is a bit higher than Clarke’s, but she too is trying to level it. “I knew there was something going on with you and that girl.” Her mother sounds disgusted in a way that makes Clarke’s gut twist so unpleasantly she isn’t sure how much longer she can keep her dinner down. She hates that things are like this, she hates that her mother isn’t really her mother anymore.

She may have only physically lost one parent that day six years ago, but in reality, she’s actually lost both.

“I like her mom and you would probably like her too if you would get your head out of your ass long enough to maybe be a decent mother for a change,” Clarke is ready to blow up and honestly, she doesn’t know how to keep herself from doing so. Her mother knew all the right buttons to hit, and it hurt her every time, every single time without fail.

“You can’t talk to me like that,” Abby is almost yelling and Clarke is shaking with rage. “You end whatever you’ve got going on with that girl or you can leave tonight.”

“Are you serious?” Clarke can’t help the squeak of disbelief in her voice. The woman she is looking at doesn’t love her, and she knows that, she’s come to terms with that, but it still hurts. It hurts so much.

“I am. I told you Jake doesn’t need the influence. I’d prefer he doesn’t watch it on television but I can’t control what Wells does with him when he babysits him. Why you couldn’t have stayed with that nice boy Finn, or even be with Wells is beyond me.”

“Finn!?” Clarke yells, but immediately drops her tone back down. “Finn was cheating on me the entire time we were together, and he continuously sabotaged three of my interviews for internships in college and Wells is practically my brother!”

“But he’s not and he’s a boy!” Abby’s voice rises as well, the disappointment and shame is clear but Clarke forces herself to ignore it, forces herself to ignore the hurt and pain that Abby causes her whenever she comes home… Abby has always been ashamed of her for something whether it be this or anything she tries to do, and she knows exactly what it started with.

“It’s not the fact that Lexa is a girl, it’s just me.” Clarke’s tone is colder than she’s ever heard it. “You still blame me for it don’t you?” And even though she asks, she already knows the answer. Already sees it in Abby’s eyes as she looks away from her… _ashamed_.

“Clarke,”

“You think I killed him.” Clarke’s voice shakes and cracks with all of her emotions and she must think her mother is proud of it, proud that she can get her daughter to sound like this because what, Abby doesn’t wish this was her daughter, she doesn’t want Clarke in her life, in her family. Clarke killed her father, that’s all that Abby sees when she looks at her.

It wasn’t her fault.

“You did.” Abby teeth grind. “But I’m trying to move past it.”

“I didn’t kill him,” Clarke’s eyes water and her voice is a bit defeated. “I _didn’t_.”

“Maybe not, but it’s all I see when I look at you. I’m trying not to.” Abby shakes her head and turns from her. “Cut it off with the girl or don’t come home.” And she walks out of the room before Clarke can further this conversation, feeling cold and alone as her mother disappears. She doesn’t want to chase her, she doesn’t want to try. As it is she knows it’s hopeless, Jake is the only reason she is still here.

She misses Lexa and her father.

Clarke takes a few seconds, just breathing the way that she knows she should before exiting her childhood home that used to be so full and light. She’s gets in her rental car and is on her way to her hotel when her phone rings and she figures its Raven checking in because she hasn’t called yet and Clarke could really use her friend’s ear. Raven is the only one that really knows how things are at her home, how things are with her mom, what really happened, something Clarke hasn’t revealed to many people, she hates talking about it. But Raven was her safe place in college, and Raven is still sometimes her safe place now, in a different way then she had been so in college, but still her safe place.

So she pulls the car to the side of the road and fishes for her phone out of her jeans pocket. Her heart, however, sinks as she sees who is actually calling her… It’s not Raven and she isn’t sure if she should talk to Lexa why she’s feeling like this. While she’s feeling so defeated and cold and lonely, while she’s missing her comfort and her warmth and she’s afraid with having no fight left she will reveal that too her, will tell her things she can’t exactly tell her.

She eventually just decides that she will answer her call though because Lexa always makes her feel better, even with that ugly ultimatum her mother gives her hanging over her head. “Hey,” Clarke mumbles as she answers and just hearing Lexa breathe makes her feel lighter, makes that ugly twist in her gut ease slightly and her heart pump with affection rather than pain.

“Baby, are you okay?” And Clarke closes her eyes as she hears the term of endearment because it always does something funny to her heart that’s already so fully given to the girl on the other line. She has a way of calling Clarke that at all the right times, a way of saying it that makes everything better, that makes the blonde forget about her problems, forget about her worries and just focus on the pretty brunette girl she’s falling for.

“Rough night, tell me something good.” Clarke mumbles, listening as the other girl breathes into the receiver for a moment while she thinks through a reply. Clarke wishes she could see that knit to her eyebrows she gets when she thinks, wishes she could see her pretty green eyes as they study her mood, wishes she could feel her lips on her own and touch her skin as they lay silently in the darkness of Clarke’s bed.

Clarke misses her so much and it’s ridiculous because it’s only been two days.

“The Break Up is back on Netflix, and your favorite pizza place is having a sale on that cookie dough you like.” The brunette has this tone to her voice, this light hearted upbeat attitude that makes Clarke smile slightly as she listens to her soothing town wash over her through the line. She loves Lexa’s voice, but only now does she seem to appreciate it more than she ever has before.

“Did you buy some?” She asks quietly, her tone far too defeated for her liking.

“I did. Three containers that are now in your fridge.” She can only imagine Lexa’s proud smile as she says that and closes her eyes to get a better picture of her pretty lips, turning up with the grin that Clarke knows she wouldn’t be able to resist kissing.

“You finally used your key,” Clarke beams widely and feels her heart beat a little less painfully as the other girl laughs her most beautiful laugh, the phone cutting in and out slightly through it so Clarke can’t hear all of it. She wishes Lexa was with her.

“Yes, I’m actually in your apartment now and was missing you.” The brunette’s tone is quiet when she says it, that same tone she gets when she’s afraid of admitting something she’s feeling. Clarke loves that tone, loves that all her confessions feel like a secret that only Clarke is allowed in on.

“I miss you.” Clarke admits letting her eyes slip open to pear at the window and watch as multiple cars pass her. “I miss you a lot.” She further admits, feeling that sinking in her heart as she thinks about breaking whatever this is off with Lexa and how much she never wants to do that. Lexa gives her hope, Lexa makes her feel things nobody has ever made her feel and she might not be allowed a chance to experience all of it, to show Lexa how deeply Clarke is starting to care for her because it’s be with Lexa or her brother and she couldn’t give up her family. None of this is fair.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Lexa’s tone is so soft and Clarke feels her eyes water again before she can help it. At least Lexa can’t see her being so weak.

“Just my mom, again.” She sniffs slightly and listens as the other girl just breathes for a moment into her ear.

“Do you want me to punch her? I’ll punch her.” Lexa’s tone is light but there’s an edge to it, an edge that tells her that maybe Lexa is a little more serious about the statement then previously intended.

Clarke laughs. “Yes because I can’t do it without feeling guilty.” Clarke listens to her favorite laugh in the world resonate through the speaker and she feels comforted in a way that nobody else can comfort her. Miles apart and Lexa is still the only person that makes her feel this way.

“Clarke, you don’t have to tell me right now or ever, but I’m going to ask anyway.”

The blonde breathes a moment. “Okay,”

“What happened with your family that made you so… distant from them and when will you tell me about your brother?” Ahh, so Lexa did hear her mother the other day… well not surprising, her mother is always much louder than she needs to be.

“So you did hear some of that conversation.” Clarke grins widely as she lets her eyes shut yet again to try and imagine what Lexa may look like tonight, probably with her hair down and in something comfortable, or maybe she just got back to Clarke’s apartment from something more professional and she has those braids in her hair and a nice outfit on that brings out every crevice of her body that makes Clarke’s body burn. “His name is Jake, he’s very fascinated by you.” She informs lightly, she could listen to Lexa breathe forever.

“Is he?” Lexa doesn’t press her about the other question, clearly letting Clarke pick whatever she is comfortable with. Clarke isn’t sure she could tell Lexa yet, she isn’t sure she ever can. She wants to try at some point, but right now, so far away from her, is not the time to do so. Not over the phone while she sits on the side of the road, missing Lexa, missing her father, missing her mother.

“Yes, he asked me a billion questions about you tonight.”

“Why did you never bring him up before, like when I told you about mine?” Lexa is asking a simple question and Clarke knows she doesn’t have to answer it.

But she decides she will anyway because she wants to, she wants to let Lexa in. “He was born the same day my dad…” Clarke can’t put the words together for some reason tonight, but Lexa still understands her, like she always does.

“I’m sorry,” She says softly, so sincerely that Clarke’s heart is leaping into her throat and she feels the water in her eyes threatening to shed if she opens them. “I hate being so far from you,” She mumbles out almost frustrated. “I can’t exactly comfort you on the phone.” And Clarke can’t help that she finds it kind of cute, knowing both of them seem to be missing each other in much the same way.

“Lexa you’re doing just fine at it trust me.” Clarke sighs heavily.

“It doesn’t feel like enough,” and Lexa admits it in that way she admits other things, like she’s afraid of what saying it will mean, like it’ll break something incredibly important and Clarke’s starting to understand why she may say it like that because she can feel herself breaking at the statement because Lexa cannot be hers and she wants nothing more than to be with her.

“You are more than enough,” Clarke smiles briefly. “You’re perfect.”

Lexa snorts. “Ego boost,”

“Gotta keep it in tact.” Clarke responds and wishes desperately that the phone would stop cutting out whenever she laughs.

“Clarke I,” Lexa cuts off for a second and Clarke wishes that her phone would stop acting like a jerk.

“What?” She asks almost desperately, leaning forward in her seat as if that will help her hear better.

“Nothing, I’ve got to go, I’ll call you tomorrow, get some sleep.” And before Clarke can properly say goodbye, Lexa has hung up, confusing the blonde somewhat but she can’t help but feel slightly more at ease now that they have spoken.

Her drive to her hotel is less of a struggle and she finds that thinking about Lexa puts her to sleep pretty fast, even if her sleep isn’t as good as if the brunette girl was laying against her.

 

***

 

“Is this going to become a tradition?” Anya snaps at the both of them, the girl’s clinging to each other, drunk and clearly very love-struck that it almost nauseates the older girl. She’s reminded of last year when she had to do this, but this time she thinks it might be impossible to get them to part at all, both of them tripping into the backseat because they can’t let each other go.

“You’re so pretty,” Lexa whispers into Clarke’s ear, but Anya can still hear the slur of her words and the giggle that it erupts from the blonde, rolling her eyes until she’s sure they go through her skull.

“Ugh,” She grumbles as she slams the back door closed and is getting ready to get into the car when Octavia and Raven bounce out toward them, both of them clearly drunk too. Anya did not sign up for this. “Oh no, I did not say designated driver for Lexa and Clarke and friends.”

“We are half Clarke,” Octavia protests drunkenly in a tone that makes no sense.

All Raven says is, “Please,” and she bats pretty eyelids that have Anya’s resolve melting immediately. She figures if Lexa wasn’t so drunk she’d certainly never hear the end of it from the brunette after she tells Raven yes. Lexa was always smug about knowing when Anya had a crush on a girl; she certainly loved to rub it in her face, and even know that was certainly annoying, Anya still loved her.

Raven climbs into the passenger seat and Octavia climbs into the back with the other two girls, who haven’t parted even for a second, still giggling at each other and whispering things into each other’s ears like they have deep secrets to share, or like their apart of some club that nobody else is allowed in. It’s honestly so nauseating Anya is surprised she hasn’t actually thrown up from the view of it.

She knows one thing is for sure, she’s not doing this next year. Those two can kiss all they want next year and wind up in someone’s bed and feel regret because Anya is tired of babysitting. They’re both adults and if they can’t figure it out by next year, she really shouldn’t step in anymore. They’re both ridiculous anyways.

She knows a piece of her will still probably step in because this is Lexa she’s talking about and she’d never let anything bad happen to Lexa.

“We’re heading to my house because I can’t separate them,” Anya announces to the car, but most everyone is drunk and not listening. Octavia is sluggish and tired whereas Clarke and Lexa seem to be wide awake with loads of energy, hearts bursting and bright as they sit in the back, arms around each other, fingers exploring spots that are still appropriate but almost not, whispered words that Anya is certainly glad she can’t hear.

“Can I sleep in your bed?” Raven asks a bit flirtatiously, but her drunkenness has her slurring the words in a way that makes her only look adorable.

Anya can’t help her small smile. “Yes,” she says again and is beginning to think that the word _no_ doesn’t exist when it comes to Raven. She wouldn’t be surprised if she won’t be able to ever manage it again around the girl, she is so very pretty.

“You guys are gross, _Clarkeeee_ ,” Octavia whines in the back and Anya adjusts her mirror so she can see what they’re doing. They aren’t kissing quite yet, thankfully, but Lexa sure is close to it. The brunette’s lips hovering over the blonde’s, Clarke’s hand around the back of Lexa’s neck getting ready to pull their faces together.

 _They’re honestly ridiculous_.

“Lexa, what did I say,” Anya demands and she watches the brunette scowl in what she thinks is her direction, pulling back from Clarke’s mouth with a slight pout that she never got to reach her much desired destination.

“No kissing,” She mocks and watches the pout that crosses the blonde’s face at the realization that she won’t be getting any kisses tonight.

“Why not,” Clarke’s pout only furthers, clearly more awake then the last time Anya had to drive the pair home. She’s sure that’s a curse as they both are even more handsy than the last time and Anya isn’t sure when she does finally get them home that she’ll be able to control how they are with each other. She can only keep them apart for so long before they decide to hell with her and blow up in her backseat with something Anya really would much rather never see, even thinking about it makes her cringe. Lexa is like her baby sister, she doesn’t need the image.

“Because kissing is bad,” Anya informs, starting her car. “Is everyone buckled?” She asks, but it feels useless to say to all the drunken idiots in her car, though the question makes Raven immediately perk up and tug on the seat belt until she’s clicking it safely around her and smiles at Anya like she should be proud of her. Anya would be lying if she didn’t think it was adorable. Octavia has her seat belt on and is falling asleep against the window as Anya squints into the mirror, trying to see if the girls are safely buckled.

“Lexa, Clarke,” The two of them seem to break their gazes apart; their conversation splitting off to look at Anya like they’re in trouble and Anya finds herself rolling her eyes again. “Buckle.” She snaps at them and watches as Lexa suddenly perks up in her seat again, reaching over Clarke and buckling her in like the blonde isn’t capable of doing it herself.

“My baby’s safe and sound,” Lexa sighs sweetly, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s cheek that makes the blonde giggle and turn her head slightly so their lips brush.

Anya thinks she gags a little. “NO KISSING!” She shouts, making the whole car jump to her loud voice. “Lexa buckle.” She demands and watches as the brunette processes her request rather slowly through her drunken brain.

“Lexa buckle,” Clarke repeats sounding worried and the brunette immediately springs herself into action, buckling herself up and snuggling back into Clarke.

Anya is sure if she keeps rolling her eyes their going to get stuck in the back of her head.

“They’re gross.” Raven states matter-of-factly, though she seems to stare at the both of them with an amount of affection that makes Anya curious. She wonders if Raven is a soft drunk, she seems like it, all droopy eyed and happy smiles. It’s adorable and Anya has to force her gaze off of the girl as the smarter girl catches her staring. She thankfully says nothing about it.

“And in love,” Octavia grumbles.

“Don’t let them hear you say that.” Anya shakes her head as she pulls her car out of park and begins to back up, now that all her drunken passengers are safely buckled. She feels like a mom, but then realizes for Lexa she kind of always has been a mom, protecting her and providing for her as much as possible even though only five years separate them in age.

That’s why it’s slightly frustrating that she can’t save Lexa from her inevitable heartbreak.

“Can’t save Clarke either,” and she hates that Raven is in her head, like she can read her mind even when she’s this drunk, glancing at the girl briefly before shaking her head and shaking the thoughts off to focus on just getting everyone back to her place.

Now is not the time to dwell.

 

***

 

“So what about your co-star, you two seem close?” The interview lady, she thinks her name is Tina but she can’t quite remember, asks her, all knowing grin and light hearted smile. Clarke is a pro at handling nosy interviewers. She’s had to do it for a while now, every single time she’s caught seeing anyone, even if being caught with Lexa makes things a bit more complicated for her.

She laughs it off. “Yes, we’ve gotten very close which really helps when we have to play out any scenes together because our chemistry is more natural. You can tell it’s not forced and I think that’s good.” Clarke tries to keep the topic on the show, on her character, on her story arc which is where this interview is supposed to go. But no matter how she tries they will manage to add a question that dives a little too deep into her personal life and she’ll have to fight them off in much the same way she always has.

“You are aware of the fans nickname for you two right?”

“Oh I’ve heard it, quite interesting. Our fans are always really dedicated, it’s cute. Lexa and I, we both know the impact this kind of role has, this kind of story and we take it very seriously. We want to represent people the best we can, in the best way we can and we know we can only do that by working with the script the best way that we can and being as genuine and real about it as possible.” Clarke is almost proud of herself for managing to turn every interview question into one about her show, even when it’s clearly not.

“How have you and Lexa been handling the dating rumors?”

Clarke chuckles but its fake, because of course it is. She hates this question. “Rumors are rumors, Lexa and I are great friends, I admire her a lot and we work really well together. That’s all that really matters.”

“You two look great together,” The interviewer says enthusiastically and Clarke only manages a fake wide smile at her, nodding her head and wishing for this to be over.

 

“It’s dumb is what it is,” Lexa raises her eyebrow at the blonde and flips through the article, examining the written words, but mostly straying to the pictures because Clarke looks beautiful and those pictures tell a far more striking story than any article ever can.

“You think our fans are dumb?” Lexa’s tone is full of amusement, though she knows how irritated Clarke seems to be over this article. She thinks the blonde is adorable when she finds something irritating, well, Lexa finds her adorable almost all of the time so perhaps that isn’t a surprise really.

“Lexa, that’s not what I said. I think she’s dumb, our fans are cute.”

“Are they?” Lexa feels even more amused than she was before as she watches the blonde girl glare at her ceiling. For a change they are at Lexa’s home, the blonde strewn out across her large mattress as she stares at the shapes and curves in the ceiling trying to find patterns there, playing with one of those fidget spinners Lexa picked up for her to help with her anxiety.

“They’re creative,” Clarke sighs heavily, watching the gadget in her hand instead of the ceiling, though Lexa is only watching her, pushing her laptop aside and crawling across the bed until they are closer because being this far apart from Clarke Griffin for too long is just something Lexa can’t stand.

“Are they?” She teases, grinning down at Clarke until she’s able to gain her attention, the blonde’s breath catching slightly as their eyes meet.

Her eyes dilate and Lexa doesn’t know why but she does know how much she always finds the action a little too sexy to resist. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but don’t hover over me like that,” And Clarke sits up as if to back away from her slightly. Lexa fears she made the blonde uncomfortable and backs away from her as well, Clarke’s eyes still dilated much in the same way they get when they’ve been kissing a little too intensely. The signals don’t add up but if Clarke tells her to back off she always will. “It’s extremely attractive.” Then Lexa feels her heart race as a response rather than the dread and disappointment that had begun to take over the feeling in her gut at the thought of making Clarke even the slightest bit uncomfortable.

Her cheeks are warm as the blush rushes through her and a soft smile is on her face again, crawling across the space until she’s yet again closer to Clarke.

“Is it?” She mumbles quietly and Clarke’s eyes drop to her lips causing Lexa to bite down on her lower one as she does, and then Clarke’s hands are flying out around her, pulling the brunette against her and Lexa’s mouth is covered by the blonde’s in an instant, her tongue pushing deep into her mouth almost instantly. The kiss is urgent and hard and Lexa moans deeply as Clarke’s hands tangle into her hair tightly.

She hadn’t expected that at all.

She’s not going to complain though, her own hands circling around Clarke to pull her against her, and humming slightly as she feels Clarke relax against her body, fitting perfectly with her in a way that nobody else can and she’s sure nobody else ever will.

Clarke is full of surprises today, however, pushing Lexa down into the bed and kissing her intensely until she’s sure she won’t be able to find air ever again. The girl’s hands moving from her hair and under her shirt, something she hasn’t done since they started this _practicing_ thing, along the skin of her stomach and lifting the material up slightly, so Lexa can feel the cold air and Clarke’s gentle hands alone.

She moans again and Clarke’s hips push into hers. Her body warm and only getting warmer as Clarke’s hands travel up, but hesitate over the swell of her breast. Lexa doesn’t even think as she reaches for Clarke’s hand and places it over the cup of her bra, moaning deeper as Clarke’s fingers squeeze the soft flesh in her palm. She can’t think very clearly while Clarke kisses her mouth and touches her with her hands. The only think that she can even mange to think coherently is that she wants Clarke’s hands all over her.

Clarke moans as well when Lexa’s hips push up into hers and her tongue brushes roughly with Clarke’s, she tastes good, she taste better every single time they do this and Lexa doesn’t know if that’s because she’s falling for this or for her. Her brain short-circuiting easily as Clarke’s hand travels under the cup of her bra to press against her skin, gentle fingers grazing over her nipple until her lips are parting from Clarke’s because she really can’t breathe and the breathy noise she makes has Clarke freezing on top of her, fingers no longer moving as her eyes, so dark and heavy and dilated, more than ever before, stare down at her as if she is only just now seeing her for the first time.

Then she’s backing up from Lexa and the brunette can feel her body scream in protest, resisting the urge to vocalize her want that’s so obvious anyways as she lays below the girl, breathing heavily and body flushed with her desire. Kissing Clarke Griffin is her favorite activity, but it’s starting to wind up her body in a way that she knows can’t be satiated by kissing alone.

A warmth between her legs that’s almost embarrassing, throbbing for things she won’t ever request from the blonde without knowing that it’s something Clarke most definitely wants to and with Clarke adjusting her bra and pulling away from her, she knows that, that right now, is not something Clarke wants at the moment.

She’s embarrassed that she’s looking so incredibly needy, that she’s probably so red and still panting and there isn’t anything she can do to cover up how much she desires the blonde, how much she’d love to ignore every boundary they’ve built up to protect themselves and just finally gratify the desire that grows within them both, make the girl feel so good she doesn’t have to worry about anything else. She knows she could, she knows that.

But she doesn’t act on it and she doesn’t tell Clarke that, watching as the blonde tries to catch her own breath and put some space between them, her own cheeks a nice rosy pink. “Sorry,” Her voice is hoarse and raw and Lexa has to close her eyes as she hears it, the tone shooting through her body and straight between her legs. She resists the urge to be completely obvious about what that low voice always does to her, instead taking in a few deep breathes and opening her eyes again, pulling herself from the flat position Clarke had pushed her in.

“Don’t be,” Lexa clears her throat; her voice is rather low as well, shaking slightly. Clarke’s eyes are back on her lips. “I’m going to get some water.” In fact, Lexa herself is shaking, utterly and completely as she manages to stand, the uncomfortable wet feeling between her legs she ignores as she walks out of the room, taking in a deep breathes as she flees the suffocating area so she doesn’t do something incredibly stupid.

Clarke is going to kill her and she’s going to love every second of it.

 

***

 

“Clarke?” Raven snaps her fingers in front of the blonde and watches as her friend finally comes out of her thoughts which she had been deeply invested in, the corner of her lip raw with her own worry and unspoken discussion.

“Sorry what?” She asks, her voice sounding a bit off and lost.

Raven was a bit concerned for her friend, she had been ever since she had gotten back from visiting her family and she can only assume that Abby has done or said something else to completely ruin Clarke’s hopes about something in her life. Abby Griffin was just someone that Raven was probably never going to understand. How she can have a daughter like Clarke and treat her that way will never be comprehensible. “Something’s bothering you, spill.” She forces her friend to scoot over in the chair; their other friends are distracted with the setup of a board game in the kitchen and aren’t paying any attention to them.

Except for maybe Lexa, who is glancing over at Clarke every few seconds but still trying to look as if she’s discreet about it. She isn’t, Raven has already caught her several times from the moment she had arrived.

Raven wonders briefly if maybe the two are fighting. “I’m fine.” Clarke mutters slightly, the corner of her lip back between her teeth as her eyes focus on something in the distance in front of her.

Raven snaps her fingers again. “You are not.” The sassy brunette informs her blonde friend. “You’ve got something going on in that head and you aren’t going to feel better until you tell me, so tell me.” Raven adjusts in her seat so Clarke can see that she has her full undivided attention. “Did you and Lexa have a fight?” She asks and knows that’s not it when the blonde looks at her as if she’s crazy.

“Why would you think that?” She says as if she’s offended, blue eyes immediately seeking out the green eyed girl, her posture settling slightly once their eyes must meet. Raven thinks her friend is so far gone she’s almost hopeless, but she reframes from telling her that.

“She’s not over here and usually you both are inseparable.” Raven smiles slightly as her friend finally meets her gaze, managing to tare those blues from Lexa long enough to look at her, she smiles that wide supportive smile that she knows comforts Clarke. “It’s your mom, isn’t it?” And immediately after Raven says it, Clarke’s shoulders grow tense and her gaze drops back down to her hands that fiddle together anxiously.

“I can’t talk about this right now.” Clarke sighs, shaking her head as she pushes her fingers into her hair.

“Okay,” Raven reaches over and brushes her fingers through the blonde’s hair until she feels her relaxing. “You don’t have too, but stay after everyone leaves okay and just vent to me. You need to get it out; you’re chewing your lip bloody.” Raven’s worry and sincerity is clear in her voice, she wants to help Clarke with her mom but she knows she can’t, she knows this has been going on for a long time, longer than it even should be, and all she can do is be here for the blonde every time her mother seems to tare her back down again.

At that Clarke releases her lip and turns a defeated look on Raven. “It’s more than my mom, it’s just…” Clarke’s eyes travel behind her again and Raven figures she’s looking at Lexa. She seems like she’s about to say something but she must change her mind because her gaze drops and the corner of her lip is back between her teeth.

“Clarke, whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.” Raven smiles at her friend. “If its Lexa, I still think you should just tell her, tell her you like her but tell her why you’ve been fighting it. Tell her about your mom and what happened to your dad so she can understand why this is hard for you.” Raven adjusts so she’s closer to her. “If it’s your brother, go home, see him more, it doesn’t matter what your mom says to you. That’s your brother. You have a right to see him.”

“You know what she said to me.” Clarke’s voice cracks and Raven frowns. “She told me Lexa or him, can you believe that?” The blonde scoffs and Raven feels the anger at Clarke’s mother boil up in her before she can even control it. “It fucking sucks Raven, why is it like this? It wasn’t my fault but she still blames me and now I have to tell one person I love that I can’t be with her because I can’t give up the other person I love.”

“Wait,” Raven blinks. “ _Love_?” And Clarke seems to realize what she’s said, her face paling as she looks at Raven.

“I said that out loud.” She almost whispers and Raven almost laughs but she manages to stave it off, knowing that a reaction like that wouldn’t go over very well with her blonde friend quite at this moment.

“You did.” Raven confirms.

“What do I do Raven?” Her friend sounds so lost and Raven wants nothing more than to help her, but she too has no idea what she should tell Clarke to do. She wants her to be happy, she knows Lexa makes her happy, but things are more complicated than that. It’s not that simple for her and Raven isn’t quite sure how to make it simpler.

“I don’t quite know, but I do know what your mom can do.” Raven grumbles as her heart races with slight rage.

“I can’t give up on her.” Clarke shakes her head sadly. “Maybe she’ll forgive me and,”

“Clarke, you have nothing to be forgiven for. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Raven says sternly and watches as her blonde friend nods but doesn’t seem to look convinced. And maybe the brunette is aware that she shouldn’t get this angry at this moment but she is because this happens every time, every single time. Abby Griffin somehow manages to pull Clarke back down every time she seems to lift herself back up.

“I know, but if I can just get her to see that and,”

“Clarke,” Raven scoots closer and finds her hands back in her blonde friend’s hair. “You have nothing to be forgiven for; don’t tell me she’s managed to have you believing it’s your fault again.” Raven’s tone is stern, only slightly, but still stern. The same way it gets when she knows she has to help Clarke be reasonable with herself. It usually happens after her visits from home, Raven has gotten used to that.

She wishes she could stop it, could protect Clarke from that pain but she can’t seem too. All she can seem to do is be here for her every time she falls.

“I was driving,” The blonde’s voice is quiet.

“Clarke,” Raven’s tone rises slightly and Clarke looks behind her as their friends look in their direction, but they’re still distracted by the board game. The only person that doesn’t look away from them is Lexa; her gaze is soft and concerned because somehow she just knows there’s something wrong with Clarke, even from all the way across the room.

“It’s not my fault.” Clarke repeats softly, quieter so they don’t gain any more attention.

“That’s right.” Raven coos tenderly and adjusts Clarke so she can start braiding her hair, a simple and quick one, not Clarke’s favorite but one that will still comfort her in the brief amount of time they have until they are called in to begin the game.

Clarke just lets her work, her eyes following some invisible pattern in front of her as she says nothing for a long time. She is quiet, breathing gently and leaning back into Raven’s touches. It’s when her eyes close that she speaks again. “I’m falling in love with her.”

Raven smiles slightly. “Tell her,”

“I _can’t_.” And she says it like it’s painful, like it physically hurts her to not be able to tel the girl she loves that she does in fact love her.

“So tell her about your mom.” Raven rests her chin on Clarke’s shoulder and feels the blonde relax as she ties the tie around Clarke’s hair to hold her braid in place for the rest of the night. She doesn’t know exactly what her friend should do, but she’s giving the best advice she can because that’s what Clarke needs, even if she doesn’t take it, she still needs to hear it.

“Okay,” It’s almost a whisper and Raven is surprised she hears her say it because it was spoken so quietly.

“She’ll understand. She’s been so good with you. If she does a 180 I’ll just kick her ass.”

“That’s not Lexa.”

“I know. If I thought that was her I would have kicked her ass already.” Clarke snorts and the friends part so Clarke can turn and look at her.

“You always know the right things to say.” The blonde mutters gently to her, hugging her briefly before pulling her up so they can join the others in the kitchen.

Clarke is by Lexa’s side, one arm moving around the girl’s waist and pulling the girl against her and Raven can’t help but watch as Lexa melts to the girl’s touch. She knows the brunette isn’t going to hurt Clarke, at least not on purpose, and she knows Clarke isn’t going to hurt Lexa on purpose either… She just hopes the two of them will figure it out before either one ends up getting hurt at all.

 

***

 

“So you’re going with Costia then?” Clarke asks her brunette friend gently, watching Lexa’s fingers as they rip open a couple envelopes, pulling out the pieces of flipping through them briefly, scanning over the contents rather uninterestedly.

“I told her if Anya bailed again I’d ask her first.” Lexa says sheepishly, like she’s somehow guilty of something but Clarke isn’t exactly sure what she would be guilty of. She’s only a little jealous, but not enough to let herself show it.

She smiles at her as if that is enough to reassure herself that Costia and Lexa will remain friends, even if Costia can give Lexa what Clarke can’t seem to be allowed to give her.

“Makes sense, she’s your friend.” The blonde responds easily, glad her voice doesn’t betray her by releasing any deeper emotions. She shouldn’t really be jealous, she doesn’t get too much why she is, well, maybe that’s not true, but jealousy isn’t Clarke’s favorite feeling so she does her best to ignore it.

“You’re my friend,” Lexa sets the envelopes aside and moves between Clarke’s legs, resting her hands at the blonde’s hips and looking into her eyes as softly as she can manage in this moment. Her hair has been straightened and her eyeliner looks fantastic and Clarke’s hands itch to follow the glitter along her cheekbones.

She looks really pretty for a friend date and that makes Clarke’s stomach turn a bit, but she again won’t say anything. Instead she settles on asking the same question she’s already asked plenty of times beforehand. “You don’t like her?” And the blonde probably shouldn’t ask Lexa that so much. If Lexa did like her it wouldn’t be fair of her to wish them apart. Clarke isn’t fair to her already.

Plus Lexa has told her plenty of times that she doesn’t, she’s probably only irritating her by now with the question.

“Clarke,” Lexa says levelly, because they’ve been over this already and all Clarke does is nod in understanding rather than asking again. She should just believe her the first time. It’s not really that she doesn’t believe her, it’s just that she knows Costia probably deserves Lexa more than she does, and that always keeps this unpleasant feeling in her stomach still and steady, turning whenever she sees the way Costia looks at her.

The same way Clarke looks at her.

“Have fun,” Clarke says sincerely, meeting green eyes as she lets her arms reach out and rest around the brunette’s neck, watching as the small knit to Lexa’s eyebrows appear, clearly contemplating something. She knows she’s been off since she got back and she hasn’t confided in Lexa why and she knows she probably should but she just can’t seem to manage it yet, opening up hasn’t ever really been something that comes easy to her.

“Why don’t you come?” She asks gently, her tone so quiet and soft that Clarke spends a second just savoring the sound rather than searching herself for a reply.

“And interrupt your friend date, no.” Clarke shakes her head. “I know you guys still have some stuff to work out and you’ve missed her.” The blonde reasons even though a party of her screams at her to say yes, to join them and crash that datel.

She’ll ignore that part though. “What if I want you to come?”

“I want to come.” Clarke admits honestly. “But I don’t think I should.” She gives the girl in front of her a soft smile, reveling silently in the way Lexa’s fingers squeeze around her hips subconsciously, she loves being this close to her, loves that she can smell her and feel the heat of her body because she’s so close.

“Can I come over after then, or do you have a date?” Lexa’s eyebrows rise up and down as if to tease but her voice sounds off when she says it. Clarke thinks Lexa must not be thinking clearly if she could imagine Clarke anywhere else but right here, with her.

“I don’t date.” The blonde girl rolls her eyes and Lexa throws her one of those grins, that beautiful stunning grin that has Clarke falling every single day, that same one that captured Clarke’s attention the moment they met, that sets Clarke at ease when she’s scared or worried over practically nothing. She loves her smile.

“Maybe you’ve met your true love without telling me.” Lexa tries to tease again, but again her voice just sounds off, as if her heart is only half into the joke. Clarke wonders why that is, what might be going through her mind whenever she jokes about something like that. Clarke wants to tell her that if her true love isn’t Lexa, than she doesn’t want to know them, but she retrains herself from doing so.

“Truly not something I’d blab about.” Clarke lets one of her hands reach up to tangle through the side of Lexa’s pretty straightened brown hair, silently reveling in the softness of the strands between her fingertips. She loves playing with Lexa’s hair and she loves the way the brunette always melts whenever she does it.

“Invite me next year.” Clarke mumbles quietly. “Invite me first,” She asks gently and Lexa is still smiling at her, leaning forward and resting her forehead against the blonde’s, much in a move they often share between each other, always wanting to be closer than they can actually get.

“Please come, we can invite Raven and Costia can get in with her.” Lexa’s voice is hopeful and light and Clarke feels a turn in her stomach that’s almost pleasant but not quite. She doesn’t quite know what the twisting means, but she’s sure it has something to do with the overwhelming feeling of affection for the girl in front of her.

“Go have fun with your friend,” Clarke smiles at her softly. “Come over after.” She confirms and Lexa smiles softly at her, nodding her head and leaning forward enough that their lips press together gently in a very sweet and soft kiss, slow and everything that makes Clarke’s heart ache with _love_.

Love that she can’t feel, can’t ask Lexa to requite, can’t pursue, and it makes the blonde hurt. It makes her hurt because she loves her and she wants nothing more than to show her that, then to be with her and make her happy and take her to a roller skating rink where they can kiss and hold hands, and then spend all night with her in one of their beds, satisfying the ache that occurs between Clarke’s legs more and more with every interaction that she forces herself to ignore.

She hates this. She hates not being able to tell her how much she wants to be with her.

“I’ll see you tonight.” Lexa hums above her lips. “I bought you something? Is it okay if I bring it?” Lexa looks shy when she asks and Clarke’s heart swells until she thinks it might burst in her chest.

“You bought me something?” The blonde looks at her a bit stunned and Lexa can only smile at her, a soft nod as she confirms that yes, she did buy her something.

“Is that okay?” She asks shyly again and Clarke thinks there isn’t another person she will ever know in her life that can make her feel all the things that she’s feeling in her chest in this very moment. The aching that doesn’t quite hurt but isn’t quite nice, the turn of her stomach that’s more of  a flip than anything else, the desire to never let this girl go, not ever, stronger than ever before.

Clarke has fallen in love and she aches with it.

The blonde takes in a deep breath. “Yeah, I actually,” Clarke bites her lip. “I bought you something too but I was saving it for your birthday.”

“My birthday is in July,” Lexa smirks at her as if Clarke is the most adorable thing in the world and it makes the blonde ache even more so.

“I know but…” Clarke bites her lip. “I was still saving it.”

“You can still save it; you don’t have to give it to me tonight just because I got you something.” Lexa rolls her eyes at her playfully and Clarke can only admire her, admire this moment because who knows when she’ll get one like it again.

“We’ll see.” She teases lightly and Lexa rolls her eyes, leaning in and kissing her very gently again, wiping Clarke’s brain of her worries for a moment as her fingers grip at the back of the girl’s neck to try and keep her as close as possible, her breath gone as she nips at the girl’s lower lips and hears her stutter into her mouth.

Clarke struggles to let her leave and misses her terribly when she finally does.

 

 

Perhaps Clarke shouldn’t have bought her more stuff earlier that day, perhaps she shouldn’t have set up her apartment expecting Lexa to show up when she knew there was a possibility that she wouldn’t. Perhaps she shouldn’t feel like she’s been kicked in the gut when Lexa calls to apologize because she can’t come, because her and Costia went drinking after roller skating and they were both too wasted and Lexa was getting a ride home from her and Clarke would be left with withering flowers she bought for her and cold food.

Perhaps Clarke shouldn’t have expected her to come but she still did. Lexa didn’t usually stand her up, and Clarke didn’t really realize how much she could really use her comfort right now, or just use her presence as it helped keep her out of her own head, and her own head wasn’t the lightest of places at this present time.

But she is happy, happy with her day, happy with Costia tonight, happy and that’s all Clarke wants for her because Clarke doesn’t feel like she makes her happy, doesn’t feel like she could ever make her happy even though that’s all she ever aims to do.

Clarke is a mess, her life in turmoil even when she doesn’t show that it is. She’s controlled and even though she’s spent so long trying to break that control she hasn’t and can’t seem to find the strength too. She can’t make Lexa happy, she doesn’t know why she ever thought that maybe she could.

She doesn’t mean to cry either, alone on her couch with the stupid flowers she had bought for her in front of her. She doesn’t mean to feel lonely or to wish that Lexa wanted to be here more than wherever she was with Costia.

Lexa was better away from her anyway.

She can’t make anyone happy.

 

***

 

Lexa paces for a moment, but stops because she doesn’t want to be obvious about the distress Clarke’s words have set her in. “Okay,” She says gently because Clarke has already requested they stop once before and Lexa feels like she had talked to her out of it. She doesn’t want to talk her out of it… if this is what Clarke wants then she has to accept that.

Even if her heart feels like it might be breaking.

“It’s making things…” Clarke trails off once she seems to register Lexa’s response and then looks at her like she’s surprised. “Okay?” She repeats, like she had expected there to be a fight, but there wasn’t one. There wasn’t a fight at all, no matter how much Lexa wanted to have one because Lexa was on Clarke’s pace, whether the blonde knew it or not. If Clarke wanted to stop than they would stop, even if it hurt.

And it did hurt, that part she wasn’t sure she’d be able to hide because hiding things from Clarke Griffin was impossible anyways. “If you want to stop Clarke, we’ll stop. I told you that. Whatever you want.” Her voice cracks a little and she curses herself for always appearing so weak in front of this girl, as if she’s never spent any time in her life building walls and hiding behind them. Now when she could use them, they seem to have vanished.

“But what do you want?” Clarke’s tone is something else, something that Lexa can’t quite figure out. There’s something deep in, something quiet and unsaid and Lexa wants to ask, wants Clarke to tell her why and what’s been wrong with her lately but she doesn’t want to push. She wants Clarke to trust her with whatever is going on in her head, and if she doesn’t yet than Lexa has to wait for that.

“What do you mean?” Lexa’s hands tangle in her hair and Clarke steps closer though the brunette wishes she wouldn’t if she’s going to say goodbye to her like this. Closer just feels like torture when all Lexa wants is to beg her to stay, to tell her she’ll do whatever just to keep whatever this is, whatever their doing up. She doesn’t care, she wants it.

But she doesn’t say that. She won’t say that. “You always listen to me Lex,” Clarke’s tone is soft. “You always go out of your way for me, you’re respectful and kind and you don’t seem to care about how something like this can hurt you.” And Lexa is confused because they don’t do this… they don’t actually talk about it, not in depth, not the possibilities or what it can end up doing to either of them.

“It can hurt you too.” Lexa whispers because whispering is all she can manage to do. It feels almost wrong to talk about it, to talk about what their kissing means, what’s behind the ruse that they created what the truth actually is.

“And I would deserve it, but you don’t Lexa. So tell me what you want and we’ll do it this time, not what I want, what you want.” And Lexa doesn’t get where this is coming from. All Lexa wants is Clarke to be happy, and if she’s not happy with this, with Lexa, than Lexa has to let her go, no matter how much her heart tells her _not without a fight_. She won’t push; she’ll give Clarke whatever she wants, just so she can be happy.

“What about what we both want?” Lexa’s voice cracks as she looks at those pretty blue eyes she’s been so lost in since she met her and she doesn’t know if she can handle a goodbye. An honest to goodness goodbye. She isn’t sure she could take going one day without knowing she can look into those eyes if she needs them. “ _Don’t leave me_.” She says vulnerably and Clarke’s features soften even more than they already had.

She doesn’t mean to say it, but it slips out anyway. “I’m not going anywhere.” Clarke seems to promise as she steps closer. “Friends don’t abandon friends.” She tells her, but she flinches when she says the word _friends_ like it’s not quite what she means.

Or maybe Lexa’s just reading into it because Lexa doesn’t want to just be friends, Lexa wants so much more than that. “I’m okay with stopping, I just… I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want you to be tired of me and,”

“Lexa I could never be tired of you.” Clarke’s hand is warm on her cheek, a comforting touch that makes her _ache_. “That’s not why I want to stop, I want you to be happy, and I don’t want you to look at me like this, like _that_.” Clarke’s voice quivers as Lexa stares at her and the brunette wonders what look she has on her face. She knows it’s vulnerable, maybe even hurt, no matter how she tries to mask it. She can’t mask anything around Clarke that she learned a while ago. “I’m staying; I’m here for as long as you let me be here no matter what. Do you understand?”

Lexa nods, but her eyes are watering nonetheless. “I didn’t mean to get so attached to you.” She admits brokenly and then Clarke is hugging her so tightly that Lexa can’t stop herself from feeling the soft break of her heart, a break that doesn’t make much sense to her, that she shouldn’t feel because she’s not losing Clarke, she’s not… but she’s losing a piece that she had grown so used to having, she’s losing Clarke’s kisses and her hand in hers and falling asleep together most nights.

She’s losing a girlfriend, behind closed doors, but Clarke felt like her girlfriend. “I’m not going anywhere.” Clarke assures her again, her voice strong and steady in her ear, reassuring, the kind of tone that always builds Lexa up, even as she’s in the process of falling down. “That’s not what stopping means, all that changes is we don’t kiss anymore, that’s all.” Clarke’s voice cracks when she says it and Lexa wants to scream at her with all the questions of why? Why do they have to stop? Why does she want to?

_Why?_

“This isn’t because of Costia because I told you,”

“No Lexa, it’s not.” Clarke pulls back from her and tangles a hand into the side of her hair. “I want you to be with whoever you want to be with, but that can’t be with…” Clarke’s voice trails off again and Lexa’s heart speeds up in her chest. “Kissing me is going to get in the way of that, even if it is just practice.” And the words don’t feel right, they feel wrong because they haven’t been _just practicing_ , that’s not what they’ve been doing this whole time, that’s not at all what they’ve been doing, that’s just been an excuse, a cover-up, a disguise so they both didn’t have to talk about what they are both feeling. So they can kiss each other and ignore the repercussions because not kissing Clarke Griffin is nearly impossible to accomplish.

She’s going to have to figure out how to do that, she supposes.

“I want you to be happy too.” Lexa mumbles and presses her forehead to Clarke’s, savoring their last moments of being allowed to be this close.

“I’m not sure I deserve it.” Lexa’s eyes open to look into Clarke’s and she feels her heart hurt for more reasons than her own pain. Clarke looks so sad, and she again as she urge to ask her why? Why is she doing this if she doesn’t actually want to, why stop when it hurts so much to?

“Yes you do.” She cups Clarke’s face in her hands and then she kisses her, deep and long, she pours herself into it, her pain of losing this, her pain for Clarke, her love for Clarke, her _love_.

And Clarke kisses her back, just as passionately, just as deeply, and Lexa can taste her tears when she starts to cry and it makes Lexa’s heart ache even more because what’s wrong with her? She’s been weird since she got back from her visit, so distant and afraid of something and now she’s crying because of the same reason that Lexa is aching and she doesn’t know why and it hurts her.

She wants to fix it; she always wants to fix it.

The blonde pushes Lexa back from her, wiping her eyes as if she’s furious with herself. “Baby, tell me what’s wrong?” Lexa’s voice is croaky and choked up because she’s not far off her own tears, but she staves them off, forces them down because she hates crying, especially in front of people, in front of girls she loves.

“I will, soon.” Clarke sniffs. “I just can’t yet.” Clarke blinks a few times and her eyes look bluer than Lexa has ever seen them. “It’s not your problem to fix and worry about Lexa, it’s my own, I have to do it on my own.”

“Okay,” She says gently and Clarke looks at her like she wishes for something that Lexa doesn’t quite know what is.

“I’m going to go home, I need some sleep.” She says as if she regrets it and Lexa has to fight the urge to beg her to stay.

“Okay.”

“I’m not going anywhere; I’m not leaving you, not unless you tell me to get lost.”

Lexa feels herself smile slightly, nodding her head as Clarke stares at her until the blonde must feel like she believes Lexa believes her.

“Bye,” The brunette manages as Clarke reaches her door and the blonde turns toward her, a soft smile on her face.

“Not bye, I’ll see you tomorrow.” She assures and steps out and Lexa watches her go.

She aches painfully and she doesn’t know how to just _fix_ it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got some deleted scenes coming out for this and one's free, but I'm not gonna post it here. That'll be [here.](https://www.patreon.com/jazzyjazzin) if you want to follow that for when that comes out tomorrow (on a Saturday).


	7. I hope you come around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies, first off just let me apologize for the late update. I got sick over the week and got a little bit behind, but it's here now! I'm so sorry about that.
> 
> Before you get to reading I thought it would be fun to include you guys in on something going on in the story. So you remember that present Clarke mentioned in Chapter Six that she's been saving for Lexa's birthday? Well I haven't actually thought of what it is yet and I really want to include that into the next chapter. I could easily think it up on my own but I thought it would be a cooler idea to ask you guys instead what you think it should be. So post a comment down below with an idea or post your ideas [here](https://www.patreon.com/posts/11323816) or tweet me them and maybe some of them might make it into the story???? Idk I thought this would be fun, it sounds fun.
> 
> I also wanted to say, after everything that's been happening this last week with Manchester and Marawi and some other events I really hope you are all safe and alright and staying safe. The world can be so messed up and I just hope every last one of you is okay. <3

##  _Spring, 2015_

It’s been two weeks.

Spring had started, their premiere was even more successful than last years, their ratings were skyrocketing, they were earning lots of attention from the media (a part both Clarke and Lexa could do without), everything was looking up. Everything was supposed to be good.

It didn’t feel good.

Lexa keeps telling herself to quit being foolish, she hasn’t really lost anything, not completely… but she’s still hurting like she has and she wishes she wouldn’t. Clearly this is what Clarke needs, or wants, or whatever and right now the best thing Lexa can do is put aside her own feelings and focus on getting to the bottom of what is eating Clarke up because that too hurts Lexa to see, as the blonde’s normal warm behavior has also vanished very much in the last few weeks, replaced instead by someone sadder and less happy to see her whenever she opens the door.

Lexa misses her.

She’s near her almost every day, but she still misses her. She does interviews with her and they have cons together and photo-shoots. They shop together and watch movies on Clarke’s couch, but there’s still a distance, a distance that makes Lexa’s eyes water when she thinks about it in the middle of the night, a distance that makes her heart feel like it’s being ripped out and she doesn’t get why.

_Why?_

That seems to be the most famous question she asks when it comes to Clarke Griffin, and sadly, she never seems to get an answer. But perhaps that’s just because she never asks it out loud. She isn’t sure she’ll ever be able to ask it out loud, no matter how much she hurts.

“What are you thinking about broody?” Anya and Costia have nearly finished their dinner but Lexa has hardly touched hers, she isn’t exactly in the mood to eat. She isn’t sure her stomach would even allow it at this current time. Not to mention the food came out touching and she really hates that.

“Clarke’s not here.” Anya teases slightly, and Lexa likes that she’s warmed up to the blonde even more, enough to tease Lexa about it in a lighter sense, rather than giving her a lecture, though at the moment, she isn’t sure that she can much handle it. Of course she can’t explain that, can’t tell them why, this was between her and Clarke, they didn’t need to know what was going on right now, not while Clarke was hurting and Lexa was just trying to figure it out.

She wants nothing more than to be where Clarke is right now, but knowing Clarke doesn’t want her there is too painful to think about.

“She seemed stressed out about something when she cancelled.” Costia doesn’t look at Lexa when she says that, she doesn’t look at Anya either. It’s actually surprising that Anya even teased Lexa about Clarke in front of her, as they both don’t much talk about the blonde as if to avoid making Costia uncomfortable. It’s a rather weird dynamic, something they’ve never had to really think about beforehand. Lexa isn’t sure Costia would be too happy if she knew that they were sort of walking on egg shells.

Costia’s a big girl; the mere mention of Clarke isn’t going to hurt her.

Lexa  furrows her brow “Cancelled?” she asks as she watches Costia briefly look up from her almost empty plate to meet her gaze before looking back down again as if talking about Clarke while looking at Lexa is too much, because she can see, she can tell how Lexa feels about the blonde. It’s not a surprise really; Lexa has long since accepted that she can’t hide her feelings when it comes to Clarke. Top actress of her generation? Not when it comes to having feelings for a pretty blonde girl apparently.

“Yeah I told you I invited her.” She mutters with a shrug, finishing up her food.

“Right.” Lexa’s tone is full of disappointment, something she tries hard to bury when her friends look at her. She had briefly forgotten that Clarke was supposed to be here, but of course she cancelled. If it’s not just her and Lexa, suffering through silence and trying hard not to touch each other, she doesn’t usually like coming out and about with people without at least Raven there as well, she had been doing okay before with just Lexa and her friends, but ever since she broke whatever they were doing together off she’s been avoiding these kinds of interactions as best she can, Lexa doesn’t exactly know why.

Something else she’ll question in her head but never ask out loud.

Anya’s got that suspicious look on her face, that motherly suspicion that Lexa briefly hopes she won’t act on, but she knows Anya and of course Anya is going to act on her feelings. “What’s going on with you two, you’re both usually so…”

“Inseparable,” Lexa almost says it bitterly. She’s heard the statement a few times in the last few weeks. Her and Clarke have been spending less time together than normal, even though they are still around each other quite often, but when they do spend time together now they are less touchy… always so distant, something their friends aren’t used too. They’ve grown accustomed to Clarke and Lexa’s close connection and seeing that withering in front of them is bound to bring about some questions.

Clarke and Lexa have been nearly hip to hip for a year, and now there is always someone sitting between them… and Lexa is moping, she know she mopes, even when she’s trying not to.

Unfortunately, however, she’s not exactly in the mood to answer any of her friend’s concerned questions. “What happened, Lexa?” Anya tried talking to her about this already, when Lexa had slept in and missed one of her early morning radio interviews. Lexa doesn’t miss stuff like that, Anya knows her. But she hasn’t been sleeping well since she’s been mostly alone, and she finds that to be rather frustrating. She’s up, tossing and turning most of the night, only to be able to finally drift when the sun is coming up and her dreams aren’t the nicest lately either, waking her up only a few hours later.

She’s exhausted and a little bit cranky. She should have cancelled too. “Nothing,” She pushes around the food on her plate a little more, aware of the eyes on her but she ignores them. She’s not really in the mood to talk about it right now and even if she was, she has no idea what she’d say, how she would explain what she’s feeling when it doesn’t even make sense to herself.

She misses Clarke, she suppose that’s the gist of it, but she can’t just say that.

“Lexa,”

“Listen, I’m not really sleeping well so I’m not in the best mood, can we just drop it and finish dinner?” Her tone is snappy and to the point, the way it gets when she wants people to take her seriously, but she thinks even for her cranky self it sounds weak. There’s not as much fire in it as there normally is, instead, she just sounds tired. And she is tired, extremely so.

“Okay,” Anya relents though her gaze does not, Lexa however is too busy studying her plate of food, not exactly organized the way she likes it, rather than looking up. She keeps trying to separate the different sections of food, but knowing they have already touched each other irks on her nerves, it makes her want to eat even less.

“Are you going to eat?” Anya’s tone holds that protective concern and Lexa can’t be too mad about it. She’s grateful to always have someone looking out for her.

“The food’s touching.” She sulks slightly as she drops her fork against the plate and leans her cheek into the palm of her hand as she props her elbow up on the table.

She gazes at her friends a moment, watching as Anya just rolls her eyes at her and Costia only grins over at her as if she’s the most amusing person in the world. They give her the space she needs while simultaneously still being here for her, their friendship unconditional and Lexa for a moment, rather than feeling sorry for herself, just feels appreciative of them.

Clarke is just like them. Lexa knows that if she needs someone Clarke wouldn’t hesitate to be by her side, she knows Clarke will always be there for her if she asks, and that’s all she has to do, is ask. She can think about all the things she misses about Clarke but the truth is she still has her closer than she originally thought and she spends a good ten seconds just thinking, maybe if she only asks Clarke a few questions, maybe the blonde would be here for her now.

She never wants to push her, she never wants to cross lines and make her favorite person uncomfortable and she feels like lately, that’s a thin line as whatever Clarke is going through she’s keeping very much to herself. She doesn’t seem to want to open up about it and Lexa doesn’t want to force her too, but Clarke needs to talk about it. She hasn’t exactly asked Clarke to talk to her, maybe she can’t do that, maybe that’s not fair, but she can ask Clarke for other things.

Like sleep.

“You want to go get something else, pizza?” Costia looks at her all sympathetically and that look she’s been giving her for months. Lexa isn’t sure how she feels about it anymore. Before she just wasn’t sure what it was, but now she knows what it is and she isn’t sure what to think about it. Part of her is okay with it, because it’s kind of flattering maybe? But the other part of her wishes Costia would forget about her in that sense and just look at her the same way she used to before she realized these feelings she has for her.

Lexa knows that’s not fair of her to wish, and quickly pushes back the thought while simultaneously feeling slightly guilty about it. “I don’t want pizza.” She pouts further because it’s what she’s best at when she feels tired and cranky and maybe a slight bit lonely even though lonely doesn’t exactly make sense.

“Lexa, you’ve barely eaten anything all day.” Anya gives her that stern look again and Lexa only shies away from her gaze.

“I’m not that hungry.”

“Lex,”

“Can you stop, I’m not five.” The brunette snaps and she knows she’ll regret snapping later, she knows she kind of regrets it now, she never likes snapping, it often just ends up happening and with how little sleep she’s running on and how cranky she currently is, there isn’t much stopping it. “I’m going to go home,” She informs them because being around people right now is probably not the best thing for her. Not when she feels like this.

“Lexa I’m sorry, don’t go, I won’t push,”

“I’m just tired. It’s okay.” Lexa stands and pushes some bills onto the table that she believes is her part of the check. “I’ll see you guys later.” She says softly, and her friends don’t fight her on this, thankfully.

She just really wants to go home.

 

 

Somehow she doesn’t end up home.

She stares at Clarke’s door for longer than is necessary, probably a good thirty minutes, just standing there studying the patterns of the wood and the black shiny number and letter on the entrance that tells her where she is and what she’s gazing at.

She’s so tired. She’s meant to go home and go to bed and maybe manage to actually sleep, but instead she’s here, standing in front of Clarke’s door until her feet start to ache. And then she finally knocks, but only once because she isn’t exactly sure that she wants Clarke to answer, that she should even be here, that Clarke would even be okay with her arriving, unannounced, even if she still has Clarke’s spare key in her purse, even if the blonde has never told her once that she’s not allowed to use it.

She just doesn’t know anymore.

She feels like her heart stops when the door opens. “You have a spare key for a reason Lexa.” And she gives her one of those beautiful half smiles that has everything inside of Lexa screaming to just tell her exactly how she feels, to tell her what she wants and why she’s here and ask her, just ask her what’s wrong and if she can help fix it.

She doesn’t though; she only returns the smile as halfheartedly as she can in her tired state of mind, wishing that she could press forward and kiss this beautiful girl with everything she feels inside of her. “I wasn’t sure if you would want me too,” She mutters out honestly, too tired to disguise the slight tinge of hurt in her voice though she wishes she hadn’t been so. Clarke doesn’t need this right now, but yet here she is, pouty and tired on her doorstep.

Lexa almost feels ridiculous.

“Lexa, that’s your key, I don’t even have to be here for you to be welcome. I’ll never, not want you here.” And it doesn’t make her feel better, it just makes her weaker, makes her wish she could close the space entirely, makes her wish she could slump into Clarke’s body and bury her senses in her smell.

God she misses Clarke’s body against hers as they sleep.

“Can I say something, something I want?” She asks gently, probing for Clarke’s reaction because she won’t if Clarke doesn’t want her to. She won’t be honest if Clarke wishes her not too. But Clarke had asked her, before she left that day, what she wanted, and Lexa thinks maybe, selfishly, she can be honest enough and Clarke won’t mind so much.

“Yes.” Clarke sounds nervous when she replies, but Lexa tries to will herself to have the strength to ask, this simple one thing, this one thing that probably isn’t the best idea but she doesn’t know an alternative, this one thing that doesn’t really cross any boundaries, that doesn’t pressure Clarke in anyway, just this one thing.

“Can I sleep here?”

“You want to sleep here?” And Clarke looks at her as if she’s never known someone more amusing much in the same way Costia looks at her when she’s just being herself, and she doesn’t know why that thought makes her stomach turn the way that it does, but it sparks something in her, gives her some kind of strength.

Her smile is more precious and it makes Lexa ache but at the same times makes her feel something so beautiful that she’d never in a million years trade it in for anything else. “I can’t sleep without you,” And she says it in that voice she gets around Clarke sometimes, that really quiet one that almost sounds like she’s whispering a secret. She doesn’t quite mean to say it like that, not in the way it comes out because pressuring Clarke isn’t something she wants to do and if she is too honest she’ll feel like she’s forcing her and that’s her greatest fear.

“Lex,”

“You don’t have to say yes, I probably shouldn’t even ask… I’m just… _tired_.” Lexa looks down because she doesn’t feel sure and she doesn’t want to be rejected and she misses Clarke’s warmth, her kisses and her bright smiles that have been so vacant in these past weeks. She misses Clarke’s hand in her own and Clarke’s fingers in her hair at the most random of times. She misses Clarke’s touches across her skin and her breath against her neck and all the things you’d miss after someone you love breaks up with you.

“I can’t sleep either.” And when Lexa looks up Clarke’s giving her that half smile again, but the look in her eyes is rather vulnerable, one she’s been receiving every time Lexa says something a little too sweet for friends or hugs her a little too tight for platonic.

She thinks that maybe Clarke misses her too, in all the same ways that Lexa misses her. “I can just sleep on the couch maybe?” She asks with her eyes unable to look away from the blue ones that stare at her in that way, that unidentifiable way and Lexa thinks she’s forgetting something important, really important whenever Clarke looks at her like that but she can never figure out what it is.

“Don’t be silly.” Clarke rolls her eyes playfully and opens the door. “I was just tossing and turning actually.” She closes the door behind the brunette and she can’t help the feeling that she gets, of relaxing slightly as the blonde locks them out from the rest of the world. They are alone, but things are still not quite what they used to be.

Clarke is not her behind closed doors girlfriend anymore. She can’t turn around and wrap her arms around her or press her into the door and kiss her as passionately as she wants. She can’t pretend that when that door is shut, her and Clarke are alone and can be together without the worries that someone will spot them, or that something will disrupt theme. She can’t tangle herself in Clarke and forget that she’s not supposed to be here, taking only half of what she wants. She can’t pretend to be Clarke’s girlfriend and Clarke can’t pretend to be hers.

“Can we just go straight to bed then?” Lexa sounds eager and perhaps she is. She can’t really help it. Her filter is withered and tired and her eyes are already heavier than they had been when she was in the hallway.

She just wants to sleep.

“Yes we can,” Clarke is giving her a soft smile she hasn’t seen on the girl’s face in what’s felt like decades and then Clarke is touching her, a gentle hand on her back to guide her to her room as if the brunette has never been there before and Lexa finds peace in it, finds that the all-consuming feeling of missing her is somewhat tamed, only for this moment as Clarke gently walks her to her room, and continues to be as gentle as Clarke always is with her. Handing her clothes, turning her back so Lexa doesn’t have to leave the room, lifting the covers for her, tucking her in as if Lexa is small, and maybe the blonde slips and her lips press to Lexa’s forehead but the brunette already feels warm and sleep edging its way into her body that she says nothing, reacts in no way whatsoever, only letting her eyes close as Clarke climbs into the bed beside her.

They don’t cuddle like Lexa would love to do, but she finds sleeping to be a much easier task with the blonde just there, breathing into the space beside her. Clarke’s presence is the only thing Lexa needs to finally stop thinking and to drop into a land of unconsciousness.

 

 

Clarke doesn’t want to move.

She knows she should. She knows this isn’t something they are allowed to do anymore, not after that night, but Lexa is so peaceful against her, her body warm and relaxed as she hangs onto her like she fears Clarke will disappear. The blonde wonders how she’s been at nights without her embrace, how she’s felt when she’s alone, tossing and turning in her own bed the same way Clarke does. She wonders if it’s half of what Clarke is feeling.

If it is the blonde can’t stop the guilt from rising its way through her because hurting Lexa isn’t something she wants to do, she never wants to do that. She should have realized before that what they were doing was a bad idea, even if she slightly knew it was one when she started it, she should have realized it sooner and maybe saved Lexa any hurt.

She doesn’t want to move but she knows she has too. Surely though, with Lexa fast asleep, completely out, she can just sit here a moment longer, just lay here with Lexa wrapped around her body, her breathe heavy on her skin, her own arms holding Lexa like she’s precious and if she lets go, she might break.

All she wants to do is protect her but how does she protect her from herself? How does she tell her about her mother and what’s going on there without making it sound like… without appearing so small, the same way her mother makes her feel whenever she calls? Maybe Raven is right, maybe she should just tell her and they can work it out from there but she doesn’t want to burden Lexa with that. If she could just figure it out on her own, then maybe they could…

 _No._ She’s being stupid.

She adjusts slightly, moving slow so Lexa doesn’t wake up. She looks so peaceful, so sweet as she lays there and Clarke wonders how the hell she’s going to manage to ever pull Lexa from her bed. Maybe she doesn’t have too, maybe she can just leave her there, let her rest, even if they both have an interview in a couple of hours and they both need to be up and prepared for that.

She looks so gentle; Clarke couldn’t wake her up even if she tried.

She slips out from under the girl’s grasp softly, watching as the brunette clings to her pillow as they part. It’s endearing, and Clarke’s heart is in her throat making her eyes water as she watches her. Why she has to be so emotional all the time about this is really beyond her, she’s never been too good at hiding her feelings, especially when she’s so in love she can barely breathe without thinking about it.

She eventually leaves the room, after pulling the covers slightly more snug around the brunette girl and wanders around her apartment kitchen, pulling out different options she can cook before ultimately deciding on Lexa’s favorite and whipping it up, making sure Lexa’s plate is organized the way she’s seen the girl do to her own food thousands of times. Nothing is touching and she places a napkin over it and leaves it on the counter as she takes her own plate to the couch to flip on the news.

Lexa is up only a few minutes later; peering out of her doorway like she isn’t supposed to be here and it makes Clarke ache a little more. She only smiles at her, watching as the action seems to bring the girl’s shoulders into a more relaxed position. “I made you breakfast. It’s in the kitchen, organized the way you like it.” Clarke tells her and watches as the sleepy tense look on the girl’s face seems to vanish, and is replaced by something brighter, something so adorable that Clarke has to look away for fear that her heart will take over and tell Lexa everything she can’t tell her.

She scurries off to the kitchen to look and the blonde can’t fight the smile that edges its way onto her face when she hears the brunette mumble her name out in appreciation. “Nothings touching.” Lexa mutters in astonishment as she pops back out with her plate in one hand and coffee in the other.

Clarke can only smile at her. “Yeah, I told you, the way you like.”

“Thanks.” The brunette sits on the couch with her, on the opposite end, a distance that Clarke very much doesn’t like but won’t protest too. She never imagined being in the same room as Lexa without touching her would be so hard, especially after she had no restraint before once her front door was shut. It’s almost physically painful to sit such a distance away from the pretty girl and not touch her, no, it is physically painful. Clarke’s body aches in a way that can’t be soothed without the touch of Lexa’s hands.

She figures she shouldn’t glance at her longingly like she catches herself doing a few moments later after Lexa has sat down on the sofa, a cushion between them. “Do you want to stay, and use my shower or did you want to go home for that?” Clarke asks gently, a small piece of her hoping Lexa will just stay but knowing it’s probably best she doesn’t.

Clarke can barely handle the new found distance between them, it feels so wrong.

“I should go home,” The girl mutters softly, chewing at her food like she hasn’t eaten in forever and it makes Clarke smiles slightly. Lexa for a moment, seems consumed in her breakfast and Clarke spends too much time just watching her eat, until she catches herself doing it and forces herself to look down at her own food, though she isn’t much in the mood for it and finds that she sets it in front of her on the coffee table, adjusting in her seat so she can pull her knees to her chest and rest her arms around them, as if to keep herself tangled so she doesn’t accidently reach for Lexa.

“Right,” The blonde whispers, that tone she gets when she can’t hide her feelings like she aims to do.

She regrets sounding so vulnerable when the brunette looks at her like that. “ _Clarke_ ,” and she says her name in that way that makes everything in Clarke burn. She sets her food down on the coffee table as well and scoots down the couch and Clarke can’t stop her heart from leaping into her mouth as she is suddenly closer to her, exactly the way that she should always be, almost pressing against her the way that they normally used to sit together. “Tell me what’s wrong.” She whispers softly, her touch on Clarke’s knee, making her skin burn with things she’s not allowed to want.

“Lex,” She feels her voice crack and wonders what her problem is as her eyes lands on the hand on her knee, her stomach twisting in that pleasant way it does whenever Lexa touches her and _god_ does even that simple touch feel so nice. Clarke never knew she could miss something so simple so very much the same way she misses just the briefest touches that she had grown so used to receiving from Lexa. These last few weeks have been pure torture without being able to just hold her hand or rest her head against her shoulder while they watch a movie. She feels so far from her all the time, and now this morning, is so overwhelming. All Lexa would have to do is tell her what she wants and Clarke’s resolve would wither away entirely. She’d give in, completely, to everything she wants and never part from Lexa again, if that’s what the brunette wanted too.

Lexa, however, seems to think that means she’s crossing a line, and pulls her touch from Clarke so fast it’s like she’s been burned. “I’m sorry, just,” Lexa seems to contemplate something in her head for a long moment. “I’m here for you; I just want you to know that okay. _I’m here_.” She’s got this look in her eyes that makes Clarke’s own water yet again and the blonde can only nod because she’s afraid of how her voice will sound if she responds with words.

She reaches for Lexa because she longs to hold her and the brunette doesn’t seem to hesitate, falling into her embrace like she’s made to be there, and maybe she is, maybe they were both made to be together? How is Clarke ever supposed to know? And she smells just as nice as she always does, like flowers and Lexa and Clarke _loves_ her. She loves her so much and it’s becoming increasingly harder to not tell her that, to not just admit it, to not just say _fuck her mom_ and go for it because Lexa is perfect and makes her happy and maybe if she tried she could be enough for her.

But then Lexa is pulling away from her and the spell is breaking and she knows she can’t exactly do that, so she pushes all the thoughts back, blinking back the water in her eyes until her vision is clear again and she can see Lexa’s own green ones staring at her in that way that makes her feel so much she can’t stop her breath from catching.

“I’m gonna brush my teeth, finish your breakfast.” Clarke mumbles out, pulling herself from Lexa and making her way quickly into her room, looking back at her door to see Lexa pulling the plate at the coffee table back into her lap, a slight pout on her face as she relaxes into the middle cushion on the sofa.

Clarke wishes more than anything that she could kiss her right now.

 

***

 

“So I hear you might be producing some future episodes?” The interviewer asks as Lexa adjusts her dress, the red carpet is packed full of people and everyone is loud, far too loud for Lexa who still isn’t sleeping the best, despite that one night last week. Clarke is being interviewed by someone right next to her, and she can hear her slight fake laugh every few seconds, making her heart beat a little faster than it probably should. She can barely focus on the interview questions, each one becoming more and more of a challenge to answer.

“It’s been talked about, I’ve been really passionate about this project from the beginning and I’m so happy that we’re getting the chance to tell more of this story and to see the impact it’s having on the fans, that’s always incredible.” Lexa goes through the motions, moving her hands and trying to focus on the interviewer in front of her. These questions are trained in her, sliding out easily because of how rehearsed they are, but Lexa can barely hear herself speak and she doesn’t completely know if that’s from all the noise or because Clarke is so close beside her that they are almost brushing shoulders.

“You and Clarke are very close as well, that must help make things a bit easy on screen.” The interviewers got that cheeky smile that most get whenever they’re going to try and dive into Lexa’s personal life. She’s also prepared for questions like this, aware of the amount of attention her and Clarke have managed to obtain in recent months, especially one centering around their personal relationship. But for some reason she finds herself only blinking at the lady a moment before she can snap herself out of it.

Lexa manages a fake laugh, one that feels wrong coming out, how she always feels every single time she’s asked a question like this from a prying interviewer. She wishes they would just leave her personal life and Clarke’s alone, she wishes nobody would ask her about Clarke, especially right now when all she wants to do is pick her up and whisk her away to a more private location where she can kiss her and tell her all the things she’s fallen in love with about her. “We get along, she’s lovely.” And maybe her smile is a bit more genuine when she says that because Clarke is lovely… _so lovely_.

“You are aware of the rumors going around about you and Clarke dating?” The interviewer’s cheeky smile grows and Lexa for a moment feels as if she may throw up all over the interviewer’s shoes. How Lexa Woods would love for those rumors to be true, but she’s not going to say that, and even if they were true, she’d still never admit to them. They don’t need to know about her and Clarke’s personal relationship, that’s for them and them alone.

“Yeah, I’ve heard of those.” She manages another fake laugh, glancing beside her when she catches a blue out of the corner of her eye because Clarke is looking at her a moment and they catch gazes before both looking away. Just a simple action as that calms Lexa and it seems to calm Clarke, as if they were sharing their strengths. “They’re not true of course, Clarke and I are just good friends.” And Lexa laughs yet again, pretending like she finds this whole thing amusing when really this subject just makes her want to vomit.

Thankfully, she has to move on to the next interviewer before this one can get in another question, though she is well aware Clarke is now stuck with them, watching from the corner of her eye as the blonde moves and adjusts, greeting the interviewer with nothing but kindness and beauty because that’s just who Clarke is.

Lexa doesn’t realize she’s missed a question she’s been asked until her name is being said in a slightly stiffer tone. “Oh sorry,” She mumbles quickly. “What was that?” She tries to smile but she isn’t fully sure that one does actually grace her lips; her eyes keep straying even though she’s trying hard not to let them, but no matter how hard she tires, they keep finding lovely blonde hair and other pale features that Lexa has fallen in love with.

She tries to focus on each interview but it becomes incredibly hard, eventually too hard and she manages to bail early, parting from the line to escape indoors for the main event rather than suffering through more.

She doesn’t realize Clarke has followed her until she feels her touch around her wrist, and she knows she gasps because it feels like too much, it feels like too much and Lexa doesn’t exactly know why. Not touching Clarke is so hard, so incredibly hard and yet Clarke somehow seems to slip up more than she ever does, always reaching for her at random times in this last month, accidently brushing her fingertips against the back of Lexa’s hand or grabbing her attention with a touch to her hip, and then she seems to realize what she’s done, just as she does it, even now as Lexa turns, and her touch is gone within the second, hands balling into fists at her sides, making Lexa feel so many things all at once.

Clarke is rather anxious, no doubt a large crowd of people has manage to cause for her but there’s something there in her cerulean eyes that Lexa can’t read, again that look, that makes Lexa feel like she’s forgetting something incredibly important. “What’s up?” Lexa seems to ask, even though it was Clarke who chased her down, probably because it was visibly noticeable that Lexa was a little out of her own head, fumbling over words and asking people to repeat questions.

“How are you sleeping?” She hesitates over each word like she knows she shouldn’t say them and each word makes Lexa’s heart pound faster and faster because she knows Clarke probably shouldn’t ask her. Sleeping together isn’t something they are allowed to do, isn’t in a friendship contract, despite their slip up.

Of course Lexa isn’t sleeping well.

She looks away from her and down at her feet, clicking her shoes together a moment before looking back up at her favorite blue eyes. “Clarke,” She says her name gently as if she’s begging her to not ask her for this, to not request something else from her because she won’t want to say no, she doesn’t want to say no now, she doesn’t want to ask Clarke not to ask her because she does want Clarke to ask her, she wants Clarke to want her.

“Can we just,” Clarke steps closer and Lexa can feel her heart stutter in her chest slightly, watching as Clarke’s eyes seem to examine every inch of her face that she can find. “It’s not… a bad thing if you want to come back home.” She almost whispers it and Lexa feels her gut twist as Clarke shyly looks away, like she too knows she shouldn’t ask, but like she as well just can’t help herself.

Why are they doing this if they both want the same thing?

“Maybe that’s not a good idea.” Lexa regrets it because Lexa has always been on Clarke’s pace and now Clarke is asking her for something at least, and Lexa is telling her no, even though she so badly wants to tell her yes. In fact she’s surprised she’s mustered the strength to tell her no at all, she’s surprised though she hasn’t actually said no, and all Clarke would have to do is ask again and she’d say yes and Lexa is sure she’d sleep through every single night with Clarke’s arms around her, keeping her safe like they always mange to do.

“Okay but,” Clarke’s brow furrows cutely and Lexa can’t help the way her gaze follows the action. “If you change your mind just, use your key.” And Clarke is touching her again, fingertips brushing across the skin along her upper arm. Lexa’s skin burns like it means something more but the brunette is sure it’s only because she’s been deprived of the blonde’s touches.

She wants to close the distance now, kiss her hard and tell her she’ll never leave her bed but she doesn’t. Instead she only nods and watches as a sad Clarke brushes past her to move further into the room, leaving Lexa to wonder what the hell is going on with her and why they both fight each other so much when they both seem to want the same thing?

 

***

 

The beginning of April is hard on Clarke. Her mother is down her throat about her show, something she’s increasingly growing more and more impatient with. She avoids her calls as best she can, but she knows she can’t for long if she wants to talk to her brother. After a night of a particularly long conversation with the woman before she is able to actually speak to Jake, she only gets about ten minutes before he has to go to bed, and she hangs up the phone after he says goodbye before her mother can nag her ear off again about something useless and petty.

She goes to bed early, but she doesn’t sleep, she can’t really without Lexa. She normally only gets a few hours, but she’s started to become accustomed to the schedule, even though she still lies in bed for hours, awake. Eventually she relents to not being able to sleep, pulling out her sketchpad until her eyes grow heavy enough for her to be able to no longer focus on the fact that she misses Lexa. That lasts for only a few hours before she’s waking up again, well aware of how alone she is.

Tonight she yet again tries early, shutting her eyes as she wraps her arms around one of her longer pillows as if to substitute for something missing. Her eyes are closed but sleep isn’t coming and she turns over on her other side as if that will help. It takes her about ten minutes of back and forth before she almost gives up and reaches for the sketchpad, but she stops because she hears her door open and her heart gives a sudden tug in her chest.

 _Lexa_.

She knows its Lexa because only Lexa has a key to her apartment, and she’s given Lexa permission to use it whenever she wants, literally whenever. Only Lexa would show up so late, clearly because she is tired of not being able to sleep as well yet again and everything in Clarke flips at the prospect of Lexa climbing into her bed and falling asleep right next to her. It’s been a week since they’ve last spoken and Clarke wasn’t sure how much more time could go by without her literally screaming at something.

She doesn’t know why she pretends to be asleep, shutting her eyes tight and burying herself into the pillow she’s holding as if to keep Lexa from realizing that she might be awake. She hears heels clicking against wood paneling and eventually her bedroom door creaks open fully, and Clarke can feel her presences as if the girl was already wrapped around her body. The energy in the entire room shifts and Clarke fights the urge to shoot up from the bed and wrap herself around Lexa and kiss her with all of her love and all of her feelings and everything inside of her, just everything.

She doesn’t open her eyes as she listens to her slightly fumbling with her shoes a moment as she must peel them off before she’s climbing into the bed and crawling into the middle as Clarke lays on only one half of the mattress. And then Lexa is wrapping her arms around Clarke’s waist and pulling the blonde against her body and Clarke’s eyes finally open as her breath catches in her throat because everything feels like it’s complete when Lexa is wrapped around her, a warmth and safeness settling inside of her chest until her eyes are watering again because she can’t seem to control her emotions around the pretty brunette girl. Always slipping up first like she isn’t the one that made the decision to break off their ruse.

She can smell the alcohol on Lexa’s breath as the brunette buries her face into the crook of Clarke’s neck and seems to take in a deep breathe, like Clarke is the air she needs to survive and everything in the blonde is screaming at her to turn around and kiss her, hard and long and pour all of her feelings, all of her confessions into it. “I miss you.” Lexa whispers into her ear and Clarke shivers as she feels her breath cascade along her skin.

Her eyes close again as she absorbs the feelings, her fingertips pressing around Lexa’s arms and holding onto her like she’s afraid she’s dreaming. She doesn’t say anything back because she doesn’t know if she could manage to. She presses into Lexa the best that she can from her position and lets out a shaky breath as Lexa tightens her hold around her waist. The brunette seems to drift a few moments later, her breaths heavy and paced against Clarke’s skin on her neck from behind her and it doesn’t take the blonde long to follow, feeling safer with every single breath Lexa takes in and lets out against her skin.

 

***

 

“I told you and I’ll tell you again, that’s not going to happen.” Clarke’s tone is angry and stern, making both Raven and Octavia jump from their place where they were leaning against the couch on the floor, some video game with lots of shooting on the screen, though they lose their focus long enough to both die, their attention now on Clarke as she paces in-between the space of the living room and the kitchen in Raven’s apartment.

She didn’t have plans on fighting with her mother in front of her friends but her calls were relentless, the woman obviously wasn’t giving up until Clarke picked up the phone and when she did she should have expected that her mother would immediately set her on edge, the edge of completely blowing up. “I told you I don’t like the message your show is portraying, it’s not okay, and your brother watches it.” Her mother’s tone is all snooty, like she still knows best or hasn’t been controlling every aspect of Clarke’s life for the last six years.

“This is my job, I moved here to do stuff like this. You don’t get jurisdiction over what goes on when it comes to my career. You said you wanted me in a well-paying position, you said you’d accept it.” Clarke’s tone is loud and angry and she’s well aware her friends’ eyes are following her pacing. She misses her fidget spinner which she has lost, unfortunately, in Lexa’s apartment and she hasn’t been there since she broke it off.

“Clarke, I didn’t know you were going to do something like this,” Her mother’s voice is starting to become something that immediately sends the vain in Clarke’s forehead out.

“What the fuck am I doing?” Clarke yells into the phone, her blood boiling the way it normally does whenever she speaks to her mother, though she manages to shake plenty because yelling like this at her mother, sticking up for herself like this, isn’t something she often does. She’s fought with her mother plenty, but her mother is used to winning, but this… her mother isn’t winning this, she’s tired of letting her win everything. She’s tired of being so unhappy because her mother doesn’t want her to be, because her mother blames her for something she didn’t do.

“Don’t talk to me like that,”

“No, I’m tired of letting you always use my brother against me. This isn’t something that’s up for debate or you can control,” Her hand moves into a fist at her side while she paces, her other nearly crushing the cellphone in her palm. She tries to think of something to calm her down but she can’t, too fueled by the fire created in her soul.

“Clarke,”

“No. Stop fucking with my life.” And then Clarke hangs up the phone because she doesn’t want to hear her mother protest more, she doesn’t want to give in again and let her mother bully her into something she doesn’t want by using her brother for leverage. She has to force herself to not throw her phone as it begins to ring in her hand. Instead she switches the device off and tosses it onto the nearby dining room table hands tangling in her hair as she takes in a few deep breathes and tries to calm herself down.

Once she’s managed that well enough she tries not to stomp as she makes her way across the room and drops onto Raven’s couch. She huffs slightly as she tangles her fingers in her hair yet again and allows her eyes to stare at Raven’s ceiling, drawing pattering in the dots she finds there because it helps her relax; though she is aware of how much she’s shaking.

Standing up to her mother isn’t something she does often. Fighting with her? Yes. Standing up to her? No.

“Wow Griffin, did you just stand up to your mom?” Octavia asks with astonishment in her tone, as if she thought she’d be dead before she ever saw that happen. Clarke can only grumble slightly as a response because words seem to lose her as her heart still pounds viciously and angrily in her chest.

She closes her eyes a moment, taking in a deep breath and trying to think of something that calms her. She isn’t aware that she’s thinking about Lexa’s eyes until Raven’s voice breaks through her thoughts. “Honestly, should I be shocked that your job is your breaking point?” Raven teases slightly and Clarke only rolls blue orbs as she pulls her hands from her hair and adjusts her position to prop up on her elbows so she can see her two friends, her heart rate calming and the adrenaline leaving her system.

“I’m so sick of her.” She grumbles as Raven sets her controller aside and turns around so she can provide Clarke with her undivided attention. “I miss Lexa.” And Clarke is pouting because it’s true. Sure every once in a while Lexa will slip into her bed and hold her and they’ll fall asleep together, but it’s always separated by days in-between, as if they both fight the urge until they have no more fight to give. They both know they shouldn’t, they both know they can’t, but they still do. It all feels inevitable, everything about being with Lexa feels inevitable, and Clarke wonders if her fighting is even going to do her any good in the end.

She doesn’t even want to fight it.

“What has it been, two hours since you last saw her?” Octavia rolls her eyes as she too sets aside her controller to provide her friend with her unwavering attention. She is a bit behind on the Lexa drama but is still well aware of Clarke’s feelings for her, having gone to Octavia first about this it keeps her somewhat in the loop.

“No Octavia, her and Lexa had a thing and now they don’t have a thing because of Clarke’s mom.” Raven gives her friend a look and then she looks at Clarke as if to double check that she has summed that up right, but Clarke doesn’t offer her any form of answer, not even with her gaze.

“You had a thing?” Octavia’s eyebrows rise slightly as if she’s shocked. “Like your dating?”

“No, not really.” Clarke’s voice cracks around that because dating Lexa is something she’d love to do. She can only imagine what it would be like to be with Lexa all the time, no restraints, no worries, no repercussions. Just being together, being able to do whatever the hell they want together whenever they want. Being able to ditch events to make out, go out to dinner and it not really matter if a camera sees them. Being able to buy her all the prettiest things Clarke can find and make love to her until they both can’t keep their eyes open.

She has to stop thinking about it. “Just kissing,” And Raven puckers her lips as if to emphasis her point. “Right?” She asks sort of unsure but her answer is given in the form of another eye roll and she knows she’s right. Clarke was vague when discussing it with her but Raven’s smarter than anyone she knows, so of course she caught on quick.

“Clarke are you crazy? When I told you to go for it I didn’t mean that no strings attached mess you and Raven had in college.” The slightly younger girl scolds them, her eyes wide and un-approving as Clarke furrows her brows a moment as she contemplates her words.

“Okay this is WAY different than that.” Raven informs, swinging her hands around to emphasis just how different even though that really doesn’t emphasis anything at all.

“YOU did know about that!” Clarke raises her voice accusingly and Octavia turns red for a moment as Raven rolls her eyes at both of her friends.

“I told her to not tell you,” Raven gives Octavia a glare. “Because I wanted you to tell her about it instead of me for once.” Her friend admits, softening as she looks at Clarke.

The blonde must have some kind of vulnerable look on her face that she isn’t aware of, but standing up to your terrible mother and thinking about dating the love of your life will kind of do that to you. “Why?”

“Because you never talk about anything.” Raven turns those concerned eyes on her. “Whatever goes on in your life you bottle up and keep to yourself until one of us,” Raven dramatically points between herself and Octavia, “Literally has to rip it out of you.” Raven adjusts her position and Clarke rolls her eyes, ignoring the way Octavia nods in sheepish agreement beside the brunette.

She sighs heavily and lets her elbows give out so she slumps into the cushions, her eyes staring up at Raven’s ceiling as she begins to pout again. “Why don’t you call Lexa and invite her over. You don’t have to talk because you both apparently never do, but…” Octavia sits up on her knees to peer over Clarke so their eyes can meet. “Now that I know what’s sort of got you so miserable besides your mom, let’s fix it.” Octavia looks at her all bright and happy and Clarke finds her attitude slightly infectious. Her friends usually know what to do to cheer her up and she does really miss Lexa… she misses Lexa a lot, having not seen her since the last time she crawled into her bed to sleep.

But her head know she can’t just randomly call Lexa up at eight o’clock at night and invite her over for cold pizza and video games. Her head know she can’t just plop into her lap and kiss her and do all the things she always wants to do. She know she’s going to miss those things still, even as Lexa is here and she’s only going to confuse and hurt the brunette more if she invites her over. She pouts as she says, “It’s not that easy.”

“Sure it is crazy.” Octavia says confidently, and Clarke feels slightly calmer as she looks at her.

Raven sighs heavily. “I kind of agree with her, lets invite Lexa over. We can play some video games, you guys can be disgustingly touchy feely like you used to be, it’ll be good for you.” Her friend touches her wrist as if to offer support and Clarke is slightly thankful for how it grounds her.

She eventually relents, because she wants nothing more than to see Lexa’s beautiful face and hear her amazing laugh. “I’ll call her, but we’re not going to be “disgusting touchy feely” we’re just friends and friends don’t sit in friends laps.” And she isn’t sure why she used that as an example, clearly she can’t get that off her mind but she doesn’t look at her friends as if that will help to will away the conversation of her and Lexa and where they should be and where Clarke wants them to be compared to where they are now.

“That’s debatable.” Raven tacks on as Clarke pulls herself from the couch to wander toward the dining room table again. She feels a new set of nerves set in because her and Lexa haven’t been talking or hanging out much together like they normally do, outside of things they need to do for their work and such.

But surely Lexa won’t mind if Clarke just calls her, even if it’s random. “No she’s mostly right I think, but you as well as Clarke are terrible at realizing where lines are.” Octavia rolls her eyes at her brunette friend and Raven only glares at her a moment.

“I do not.”

“Yes you do Miss _Anya can I sleep in your bed_?” And Octavia bats her eyelashes innocently as Raven gasps in offense.

“Shut up I was drunk and Anya’s pretty.” Raven argues, though Clarke knows that argument is weak because both she and Octavia know how bad Raven is catching feelings for Anya, and it’s not really surprising to both of them that Raven is too chicken shit to go for it. But then again, Clarke can’t really judge her in that aspect, as she too is having much of the same problem… well in a different light.

“Please,” Octavia just waves that excuse off.

Clarke can only smile at her friends slightly as her phone brightens to life, thankfully no phone calls come through as it does, though 3 missed ones are there as a reminder of her earlier conversation. She forces the new memory down as far as it will go because she wants no bitterness on her brain as she calls Lexa up, though she’s sure even if she was feeling bitter all she’d have to do is hear Lexa’s voice to relax. That’s usually what happens.

She pulls up Lexa’s number quickly and calls her as her friends bicker back and forth in the living room, it’s almost perfect, Lexa really is the only thing missing from this night, and maybe her brother. She misses him quite a lot, still wishing she got to see him more than she actually does. He always grows so much between visits.

“Clarkey,” Lexa giggles when she picks up and Clarke frowns because she knows what that means, even if Lexa’s giggle is just about the most beautiful thing Clarke will ever hear in her life.

“Are you drinking again?” The blonde asks delicately, her tone slightly scolding without meaning for it to be.

Lexa only giggles. “Not by choice baby,” and _oh my god_ how Clarke has missed Lexa calling her that. Her eyes shut a moment to savor the term of endearment like it’s her lifeline.

“Is that Clarke?” Someone shouts near the speaker so Clarke can make it out. “Hi Clarkeeee.” She can’t make out the voice and the receiver cuts in and out, but she for the most part hears whatever the person is saying. Though she doesn’t much care, only consumed by the slight disappointment that a drunken Lexa mostly likely means she won’t be seeing her tonight.

“Costia says hi,”

“Are you too drunk to hang out with me and my friends, pizza and video games?” Clarke feels a pout attach to her face because she probably is and she’s out with _Costia_ and Clarke feels that longing to be near her pulse strongly through her until she’s breathing bit heavier and she can feel the ache in her heart. She’s always a bit jealous whenever Lexa and Costia hang out together, though Clarke is sure Anya’s with them and she knows Lexa isn’t into her… she’s still irrationally jealous. She wishes she wasn’t but she is.

“I’m never too drunk to hang out with you.” And Lexa’s tone is all low and flirty and there’s more giggling in the background. It’s kind of adorable and even though she’s being entirely silly, Lexa’s heart still does that pitter patter thing it does whenever Lexa so much as bats and eyelash at her. She supposes that’s just what being in love does to you.

“Forget it, please take care of yourself.” And Clarke can’t help but emphasis the concern she feels. If anything were to happen to Lexa at all, she’d lose her mind and she’s really not sure she could handle it, or take it. It already hurts enough knowing she can’t be with her the way she wants to be, but to lose her completely would destroy Clarke… she knows that.

“No _Clarke_ ,” and god is she using all the punches, her tone low and dipping in that way it does around her name, making her _burn_. “Where are you, I’m coming now,” There’s some ruffling in the background and Lexa’s voice grumbling out a “get off me.” As she must shove someone away from her.

“Raven’s, please be careful.” Clarke emphasizes again and listens as Lexa’s breathes into the speaker.

“I love Raven!” The brunette shouts enthusiastically and Clarke feels the smile tug at her face before she can stop it. Lexa gets into two moods whenever she drinks, depending on the alcohol she’s consuming, enthusiastic and affectionate, or sleepy and affectionate, affectionate though, is her dominating trait… however Clarke isn’t sure if she’s affectionate with everyone, like the blonde knows she is when she’s had too much, or if she’s just affectionate with those she’s closest to, with Clarke.

Lexa makes an adorable drunk. “You can tell her that when you get here.”

There’s a change in sound through the speaker, letting Clarke know she’s left wherever she is and is on her way. “You’re going to make me drink lots of water aren’t you?” The brunette states suspiciously, and Clarke can only imagine that rise to her eyebrow and the small narrow of her eyes and how adorable it probably looks and she can’t stop her smile. She can’t stop it.

“Yes I am.” Clarke grins as she leans against the dining room table. “I swear to god Lexa, are you walking, please take a cab or something.” She’s tempted to sprint out of Raven’s and hop into her car and pick Lexa up herself, the brunette walking along the streets and night while slightly intoxicated is not safe at all.

“Who takes cabs anymore when you have uber?” Lexa giggles and it’s the prettiest sound that Clarke’s ever heard, she thinks she hasn’t heard her giggle much recently and she realizes that that’s only another thing she misses. She should try to get Lexa to giggle a little more outside of being tipsy.

“Raven lives really close to Anya, did you know that, you know Anya thinks she’s _very_ pretty.” Lexa’s tone is light and playful and Clarke loves it. She savors the sound of it like only that tone can ground her and she pushes down the ache in her chest that accompanies the realization that she can’t tell Lexa how much she loves her.

“Oh yeah,”

“You’re pretty too, prettier actually.”

“Really?”

“Well, I think so.”

“Lexa,”

“I’m here,” Lexa announces brightly and Clarke can hear her on the other side of the door. She doesn’t exactly know where Anya lives but she is surprised that she seems to live so close to Clarke and is going to have to pester Raven about that later. A few seconds later there’s a soft knocking on the door, which Raven jumps up to answer. As soon as the door opens Lexa grins her wide beautiful grin and offers the slightly taller girl a hug. “Hi Raven!”

“Lexa whom is usually reserved is hugging me?” Raven asks with a tone of shock, hugging back albeit a bit awkwardly.

“Clarke!” Lexa shouts brightly as soon as she sees her, hanging onto her phone by the coffee table. She’s quick to put it aside as she sees the brunette releasing Raven to fling herself across the space toward the blonde, wrapping her in a tight embrace that steals the air from the blonde’s lungs, nearly lifting her off her feet as if it’s been years since they’ve last seen each other. Sometimes it feels like years when they part.

“Lex,”

“You smell nice,” The brunette whispers softly in her ear, her plump lips brushing across the shell and Clarke sighs heavily a moment as the feeling makes her shiver and forget all the things that keep them apart, because Lexa holding her like this, feels so right. She wraps her own arms tightly around Lexa’s shoulders and shuts her eyes to savor the moment. She always feels perfect like this.

“Okay, part from each other for two seconds so we can get some water and pizza in this girl.” Raven only chuckles out of amusement, but parting from Lexa while she holds her like this is a much more difficult task then Clarke ever thought possible, especially when they try so hard not to touch each other.

She doesn’t want to let Lexa go, but she eventually does, steadying her feet on the ground as the brunette reluctantly releases her as well. “Did you get my favorite?” She asks all giddy and excited. Her cheeks are pink and tinted with warmth, her eyes nearly half lidded and her lips looking plump and beautiful. Clarke stares at her because there is no way she can look away from someone that looks like her.

She is the most stunning person to ever grace the planet, Clarke is sure of it.

“Your favorite?” Clarke asks delicately, clearing her throat slightly when her tone comes out a bit croaky, but Lexa doesn’t seem to notice, her attention span short and her eyes examining the boxes at the end of the dining room table, just out of their current reach.

“My favorite is your favorite.” Lexa informs the blonde like she should already know this, but they have pizza all the time and Clarke knows Lexa’s favorite is definitely not her favorite. She’s so picky about her pizza, Lexa likes lots of toppings.

“Since when?”

“Since I met you.” And Lexa winks like that was smooth. It wasn’t and instead just makes everyone in the room laugh. Clarke is still blushing though, and she’s not really surprised with herself at her reaction. Lexa doesn’t even have to try and she’s blushing, because she’s already head over heels, it really doesn’t take much to have her swooning when it comes to the pretty brunette girl.

“Oh Lexie Lex how much did you have to drink.” Raven coos playfully which earns a pout from the green eyed girl.

“Not that much.” She whines slightly as Clarke reaches for the pizza box at the end of the dining table.

“I’ve got water bottles.” Octavia shouts like she wants to be in on whatever is going on. She sprints up from her position and shoots into the kitchen, tugging the fridge door open and pulling a copious amount of water bottles into her arms, probably an overcompensating amount. Clarke figures she’s just excited for her, Octavia loves love a lot and now that things are clicking in her head, Clarke is well aware Octavia is aware of her affections. If she isn’t quite yet, she will be very soon because Clarke can’t hide it.

Lexa steps back into Clarke’s space so she can slump into her side and Clarke feels her heart rate spike as her arm automatically wraps around Lexa’s waist and pull her closer, just automatically. It’s a response she can’t fight, it’s immediately and it always feel right because Lexa is meant to be here, with her, like this.

“Sit,” Clarke mutters in her ear gently and Lexa pouts for a moment before listening to her and sitting down in a chair, the other three girls joining her and grabbing their own slices of pizza like they hadn’t already filled up on it before Lexa got there.

“So drunk Lexa, spill your guts.” Raven teases, pointing at her with her pizza slice.

The blonde rolls her eyes but chuckles in amusement as Lexa giggles at her. “About what?” She offers lightly as if she has nothing to hide.

“No, no, we’re not asking drunken Lexa questions.” Clarke says protectively, pulling her chair closer to the pretty brunette girl beside her and putting an arm around the back of the chair caringly.

“What games are we playing?” Lexa instantly whips up another subject, biting into her pizza as if she hasn’t eaten in forever.

“Whatever you want.” Octavia offers kindly, a soft smile on her face as she looks at Clarke, though the blonde avoids her gaze.

Her eyes are pretty attached to Lexa anyway. “Is it my birthday?”

“Not tell July.” Clarke rolls her eyes and tangles her hands through Lexa’s wavy brown hair, pushing it back behind her tiny ear and smiling slightly as it earns her a smile from the pretty brunette girl, one of those stunning beautiful smiles that Clarke thinks is reserved only for her.

“Sober up Woods, we need you focused so we can kick your ass.”

“Oh right,” Lexa scoffs. “That’ll never happen.”

Lexa eats three slices of pizza and Clarke’s crust, surprisingly, before she’s bouncing up with her third bottle of water and heading toward the living room with the other girls. Clarke can only smile after her, feeling a small fullness enter her chest, that surge of affection rushing through her that often appears whenever she just sees Lexa breathe.

God does she love her.

All Lexa has to do is look at her for her to be lifting herself up from her chair and rushing across the space to be next to her. She planned on sitting beside her but as soon as she was close enough Lexa’s hands were reaching for her and pulling her down into her lap, her arms wrapping around Clarke tightly as she buries her nose against her shoulder, breathing her in again before she’s moving her lips to the shell of Clarke’s ear. “Just for the night,” and it’s all she says, it’s all she has to say for Clarke to know what she means. And instead of telling herself to say no, to pull herself from Lexa’s safe touches and warm breath on her ear, to not give in to the want and desire to be as close to Lexa as she can be, she instead just nods. She nods and leans back into Lexa and lets the girl comfortably wrap around her, so she can hold the controller and stare at the screen as she rests her chin against Clarke’s shoulder.

It feels right to be like this and Clarke is so tired of missing her.

 

***

 

“Raven, can I ask you something because I don’t think I can ask Clarke and I feel like I probably shouldn’t ask you but I keep thinking about it and,”

“Lexa, stop rambling,” Raven chuckles slightly.

“Okay, sorry,” Lexa looks over at Clarke and Anya who seem to be fussing over how certain decorations should go up, and she can’t help but think it’s kind of adorable the way that Clarke’s brow furrows just slightly when she’s frustrated. Anya mostly looks amused, clearly she’s pushing Clarke’s buttons but either the blonde hasn’t caught onto that yet or she’s just really irritated with it.

“What is it?” Raven asks.

“Well a while ago, Anya told me that you and Clarke that you guys…” Lexa’s eyebrows rise up and down slightly because she can’t seem to say it out loud and it seems to amuse Raven even more, earning her another pleased laugh that only makes Lexa frown.

“I’m sorry; I’m not laughing at you.” Raven tries to give her a sincere look but the corners of her mouth won’t drop. “Normally I’d tell you to ask Clarke, but I doubt you’re going to actually do that and even if you did, getting Clarke to talk is like.” And Raven made a reference to pulling her teeth out. It made Lexa smirk slightly. “But I can only tell you my part like I did for Octavia because it’s not fair to Clarke, if you want Clarke’s side you have to ask Clarke.”

“Okay.” Lexa agrees because that is fair.

“Clarke in college was… she went through a lot, we became friends, and we were roommates at first. I was kind of into her at the time, I promise you that is long gone. Clarke had kind of been feeling things for me I guess but she hadn’t really um, explored that much before, so we just kind of…” Raven chuckles. “I’m not explaining this well. We didn’t really date, we kind of just explored stuff together, well I didn’t have anything to discover, but it ended soon after Clarke’s dad… she needed her friend and we make _way_ better friends.”

“So you guys like, sort of were together but weren’t?” Lexa asks delicately, processing the information slightly.

“Yeah but not like you and,” And then Raven stops speaking, mouth snapping shut immediately and an expression that makes her look as if she’s betrayed her best friend in the worst way possible is crossing her features before the girl can seem to stop it.

Lexa’s not dumb; it doesn’t take her long to figure it out. “So you know that we,” Lexa bites her bottom lip because she can’t say that out loud either and Raven’s cheeks are turning redder with every passing moment.

“I know it’s more than that. I know you care about her a lot and she, she cares about you she’s just got… stuff in her life that makes things complicated for her.” Raven seems to try and explain as if to make up for her slip up, but she knows if her friend ever finds out that she told Lexa that she knows about what’s been going on, or at least part of what’s been going on, she’s a dead woman.

“I know she does.” Lexa sighs slightly. “None of my friends know, about, _practicing_.” Lexa says in almost a defeated way, tangling her hands together atop the table as she lets her eyes follow the movements of them. She didn’t know Clarke was talking about it with anyone but Lexa supposes it’s good she does talk about… she’s wanted to tell Anya a few times but worries that Anya will get mad at her, or mad at Clarke and they both don’t need that.

“Is that what Clarke called it?” Raven asks slightly amused and Lexa rolls her eyes.

“Yeah,”

“Maybe you should ask her some questions Lex, she might answer you.”

“I don’t know. She doesn’t really like talking.”

“Don’t I know it.” Raven chuckles, her smile bright and easy, calming Lexa enough to not worry so much about this new information.

“I,” Lexa sits up in her seat and glances behind her to notice that Anya and Clarke seem to be standing off about something, though Anya is highly amused by whatever fire is in Clarke’s eyes, no doubt the older girl is teasing her, she loves to rile the blonde up. “I really like her.” Lexa admits quietly and notices how big Raven’s smile gets when she says that. She doesn’t completely know why but she’s nearly shocked herself that she’s seemed to disclose this information to someone she hasn’t exactly placed a lot of trust in. Then again, Raven knows more about their relationship or whatever she and Clarke are than any of Lexa’s friends… And she really does like Clarke, a lot. She loves her.

“Yeah you do.” She exclaims and Lexa just looks at her for a long moment. “Sorry, it’s just, you make Clarke happy, like really happy, happier than she’s been in…” Raven shakes her head. “Never mind, but the point is, if you like her so much, tell her. Tell her that, just tell her exactly how you feel and wait for her because she’s a bit slow about things.” Raven rolls her eyes as if her friend is ridiculous but Lexa can’t really focus on her words. Her mind is jumbled with the possibility of ever telling Clarke how she feels. She isn’t sure she can do that.

“Tell her,” Lexa breathes out, like that’s impossible, but then she looks back at Clarke again and she feels that thing her heart does whenever she sees her and _telling her_ … that doesn’t sound so hard, not if it’s all true and if Clarke might maybe possibly feel everything that Lexa feels.

“Yeah, just sit down with her and tell her. Be honest about how you feel, talk because for god sakes you both suck at it.” Raven chuckles as if this topic is amusing and Lexa can’t help the furrow of her brow as she meets the soft brown eyes of the girl beside her.

“Do we?” Lexa asks innocently.

“Listen, I don’t know much about whatever is going on between you guys, but I do know you both suck at just talking to each other. I bet half the things Clarke’s told me she hasn’t even uttered to you, which I should not have just said but god damn it don’t look at me like that.” Raven scolds. “You give me this look with those eyes and I’m like spilling my guts, stop it.” She further reprimands and Lexa feels her cheeks heat up immediately. What thing with her eyes? Anya’s mentioned that before, she never means to do it, she doesn’t even know what it is.

Lexa blushes further. “Sorry,”

“I won’t tell you what she’s said to me, you ask her.”

“I didn’t ask you to tell me.”

“You’re eyes are asking, stop that, how do you do that?” Raven sounds astonished as she looks away from Lexa, like her eyes are fire and if she looks she’ll burn.

It would be funny if Lexa wasn’t feeling the slightest bit embarrassed about it. “I don’t know.” She admits sheepishly looking down at her hands again just to keep her eyes off Raven, wondering what the look is like to be on the receiving end of.

“Oh I know _the eyes_ ,” Anya announces as she rests her hands on the back of Lexa’s chair.

“ _Anya_ ,” Lexa appears offensive because she’s supposed to be on her side even though she’s not sure something like this really warrants sides.

“Right!?”

“The eyes?” Clarke pops up next to them, stuffing a chip into her mouth and looking absolutely adorable. She clearly doesn’t know what’s going on in the conversation until her own beautiful blue orbs meet Lexa’s bright green ones that look up at her like she’s a beautiful angel and Lexa is merely just a mortal, here to observe and cherish her. “Oh those eyes.” Clarke winks at her briefly and everything in Lexa’s undeniably flips.

She hopes the way her breath catches isn’t audible. “How do you get any lines out when you’ve got those things staring at you like that?” Raven teases, turning Lexa into a tomato further and making the brunette hide her face into the palm of her hands. She doesn’t even understand what the look is. Her eyes are her eyes, there’s nothing she can do about it.

“I have no idea.” Clarke chuckles and grabs a handful of chips. “We’ve got to go pick up the cake, the guests will be arriving soon and Lincoln’s bringing Octavia.”

“Okay, you know what; Anya and I will get it, you and Lexa hold down the fort.” Raven hops up from her seat and winks at Lexa for an unknown reason to the blonde and even the brunette and tugs on Anya’s wrist until she’s grabbing her purse and flying out the door without another word to be spoken between them.

Clarke knows her friend well, so when she says, “Okay, she’s acting weird.” It’s not exactly a surprise to Lexa.

“Is she?” Lexa’s voice is higher than it should be and it has Clarke looking at her suspiciously as well. That is a surprise however because Lexa is so bad at things like this. Why can’t she just act, for one moment, the thing she’s literally paid thousands of dollars to do, why can’t she just do it?

“And so are you.” The blonde presses suspiciously as she slips into the seat beside her.

“Am I?” Lexa blushes further, as if she hasn’t blushed enough in the last few minutes, and pushes her hands through her hair, brushing back her pretty brunette locks and looking at Clarke again as the blonde relaxes in the seat next to her and manages to pull it closer. She’s not letting Lexa off the hook about this.

“Yeah,”

“We were just talking about something and I,” Lexa turns toward Clarke. “I should tell you something,” She announces bravely, almost surprising herself as the blonde blinks pretty blue eyes at her.

“The something you both were talking about?” Clarke asks with a raised eyebrow and Lexa chuckles slightly.

“Kind of… You know what, I’ve got something for you, I mean, I bought it a while ago.”

Clarke’s voice is low and maybe hurt? When she says “Valentine’s day.” But Lexa doesn’t want to dwell on it. She just brushes over it, she had, had many plans on giving Clarke this present beforehand, with flowers and a letter that reveals everything Lexa feels for her and Clarke’s favorite dessert.

“Yeah but,” Lexa bites her lip gently. “I still bought it for you; it doesn’t have to be,”

“Lexa,”

“Just let me give it to you, please?” She persists because if she doesn’t Clarke will fight her on it and she really wants Clarke to have it, if not the dessert and the flowers and the letter full of knowledge of her emotions, at least this thing that she saw and had to buy for her. It was hers the moment she laid eyes on it; Lexa had no doubt about that.

“Okay.” Clarke gives her a gentle smile, that beautiful one that has Lexa falling in love a little more every single time.

“I’ll be right back,” And Lexa gets up skidding off to her jacket hung up by the door, Clarke is watching her, she can feel it, and it makes her slightly nervous but she tells herself to be confident, pulling out the letter and box with it. She stands there for a second, knowing the letter holds everything she needs or wants to say to Clarke because writing it down is so much easier than saying it out loud but instead she puts the letter back in her jacket, because now either isn’t the time or she just doesn’t have the confidence, the bravado to lay her heart out there like Raven said to do. She spins back around and plops into the seat beside Clarke, whose blue eyes are all shiny and light and so beautiful to stare at. She scoots the box across the table until it’s in front of Clarke and watches blue eyes slowly leave her to examine the box.

“It came with more than that, flowers and stuff, but I…”

Clarke’s hands fly to it, and she holds the box for a moment under her palm. She takes a deep breath and then she lifts her palm and opens the box. Lexa can’t take her eyes off of her, watching the reaction slowly surface across her beautiful features. “Wow,” Leaves her lips and Lexa fights the urge to reach across the space between them and take the blonde’s hand.

“I just thought, you’ve got all those drawings of that tree in your room, and I know I don’t know exactly why but, I saw this and it kind of looks like it,”

“Lexa this is beautiful.” Clarke touches the necklace delicately.

“You like it.”

“I love it,” Clarke mumbles.

“Here,” Lexa reaches for the box gently and pulls the necklace out, untangling it from its stable place and motioning for Clarke to spin around slightly. She brushes the girl’s hair aside and revels in the softness of the strands. She latches the necklace around Clarke and holds her breathe as the blonde slowly turns toward her, the green stones look nice with her eyes.

Clarke is very close to her, something she doesn’t realize until she feels the blonde’s breath against her lips. Lexa is going to break because there is no way she can’t kiss her, and Clarke is looking at her mouth, that longing look that makes her entire body ache, that always makes her feel like she’s forgetting something. And her hand is in the side of her hair, gently brushing back the strands and lightly grace the skin of her cheekbone and Clarke is leaning toward her and into her touch at the same time and Lexa can’t wait to kiss her again because it’s been months, _months_.  She misses her taste, the feeling she gets in the pit of her stomach whenever Clarke’s tongue brushes her own, and the way her lungs burn because they both don’t want to part, not even for a breath. She misses it and here Clarke is leaning into her and Lexa is feeling brave, so brave.

But the door decides that’s a good moment to swing open, making them both jump apart from each other as if they’ve been doing something incredibly wrong. Maybe they have, but it never feels that way, not when it’s with Clarke. They both seem to share the same longing look as a few enthusiastic guests file in. Octavia’s birthday party is going to be loud and crazy, but Lexa longs to ditch it, to sweep Clarke off her feet and fall into a bed with her and never leave it.

There is no doubt in Lexa’s mind that they both are missing each other in much the same way.

 

 

Clarke hates this. Why did she ever tell Lexa she wanted to stop? She hates this, all she wants to do is kiss her and she can’t. No matter how much she drinks that frustration doesn’t seem to go away and the party is supposed to be fun. She plasters on a happy face as they sing happy birthday to Octavia, she plays the part of easy going well for her friends, and because she’s an excellent actress no suspicions are raised, not even by Raven who can usually see through her facades.

Octavia is happy and Clarke is exultant for Octavia, but she’s gloomy for her own reasons and she’s trying hard to get over them. Everyone is having fun, there’s lots of food and alcohol, though Lexa hasn’t drunk and ounce of anything but water. Clarke can’t take her eyes off of her though. She looks so good, she always does, and the more Clarke drinks the harder it is for her to keep herself from the brunette girl.

Once she’s edging past tipsy that fight is over and she’s across the room in seconds until she’s standing next to Lexa who seems to be extremely bored with something Bellamy is trying to talk to her about. Once he sees her he greets her delightedly but she brushes him off, instead focused only on the brunette who is now looking at her with the most beautiful shade of green eyes Clarke is sure she’ll ever see.

“Hey gorgeous,” Clarke coos slightly, pressing into Lexa’s side and brushing her fingertips across her sharp jawline. She swears Lexa’s jawline could cut her, and she’s actually surprised when it doesn’t.

“Someone’s had a bit too much.” Lexa teases playfully, her voice is so beautiful, and Clarke loves it.

“Let’s get out of here.” Clarke manages to whisper in her ear even as Bellamy watches the exchange with that curious furrow to his brows he gets when he doesn’t understand something. Perhaps sober Clarke would care, but nearly drunken Clarke, no; drunk Clarke wants Lexa all to herself.

“We’re staying here remember, I’ve got the couch, you’ve got the spare.”

“That’s right.” Clarke announces in excitement and tugs on Lexa’s hand leading them to the spare bedroom, which usually isn’t a bedroom but Raven had set it up for this particular night, knowing they wanted to party and not worry about getting home.

“Clarke what are you,” But the blonde interrupts her with another tug on the brunette into her room for the night, usually known as Raven’s office space. She shuts the door behind her and locks it before turning around to look at a slightly confused lovely brunette girl that she is very much in love with. She smiles at her softly and leans against the door, happy to somewhat drown out the music and the noise of the party and finally just for a while be alone with her favorite person.

“Lexa, your present is beautiful.” Clarke takes a step toward her and Lexa for some reason takes one back, breathing heavier. Clarke isn’t completely sure why, she isn’t exactly in the right state of mind to calculate it, or if her actions are too much. She just needs to talk to Lexa for a moment because she’s feeling brave, strong for once. Not exactly confident but strong. “I love it.” She tells her and steps closer again, Lexa steps back.

“ _Clarke_ ,” And the blonde feels the shiver run through her as Lexa clicks the “k” in her name, her voice low and sexy the same way that makes Clarke think about things that she probably shouldn’t think about because they are entirely inappropriate thoughts and she has a determined quest at this moment, she can’t stray from that and get fogged over with her want.

“I love,” Clarke reaches out and catches Lexa’s waist so she can pull them together and it is absolutely perfect to be with her like this. “how this feels.” She whispers quietly and Lexa’s breath catches. “And I’m so sorry.”

She loves the knit in Lexa’s eyebrow when she has a question. She loves the way her eyes shine slightly when Clakre gets too close to her for her to hide behind her disguise. “For what?” Lexa sounds concerned as she says that, her fingers gliding up to tangle in her hair and Clarke visibly revels in it because she cannot help herself. She loves the way Lexa’s hands feel in her hair.

“For not being good enough to deserve this. I wish I could make you happy.” She admits softly, her voice and tone are strong though the topic makes her heart sink incredibly so because it is true, its truer than anything she’s ever said. She does wish that she could, all she wants is to make Lexa happy.

“Clarke,”

“I can’t.” Clarke looks at her sadly as if she’s only just realizing it again, for the first time, and it’s just as soul-crushing as it is every single time she goes over it in her head because she is not enough for Lexa even though she wants to be.

But maybe, with time she can be, maybe.

“Clarke baby,” Lexa cups her face in her palms and then her forehead is resting against her cheek. “You’re my best friend, you make me happy.” And Clarke wants to tell her that she wants to be more than just her best friend, that she wants to kiss in front of cameras and dodge them on dates, that she wants Lexa in her bed every night, sleeping with her eveyr single night, that she wants a real girlfriend, one her brother can meet, one she can dream about spending her life with, she wants Lexa.

She doesn’t tell her that. “No,” Clarke mumbles sadly. “I hurt you, and I’m sorry. But I’m going to be better, just give me time.”

“For what Clarke, time for what, tell me what you’re talking about?”

“My mom.”

“Your mom?”

“My mom thinks it’s my fault Lexa and sometimes I think it’s my fault too.” Clarke’s voice cracks as she says it, that can’t be helped, it’s not a topic she’s ever oaky with talking about. Raven is right, she hardly talks about things like this, talking is hard for her, it’s too much. Putting the pressure of her life on someone she cares about, is too much, being a burden on someone that doesn’t deserve that burden, is too much. But Clarke should be used to being a burden by now, that’s how her mother sees her, that’s how her mother has seen her for six years, Clarke isn’t sure that’ll ever change.

“Your fault?” Lexa is so patient and gentle as she urges Clarke to explain, to work through her slightly tipsy thoughts and figure them out so they make sense. But Clarke isn’t sure, even sober, that she could explain this any better.

“My dad,” She manages to mumble out because she feels stronger than she normally does with Lexa here, beside her, holding her face in her hands and looking at her with those beautiful eyes. Lexa helps lift her up.

“Baby,” Lexa whispers as if it hurts and her arms fly around Clarke and hold her so tight Clarke feels like she might burst, but it’s what she needs, what makes her feel safe. She isn’t going to cry, but she does miss Lexa so much and she wants to tell her that, it’s on the tip of her tongue. “I’m sorry.”

“She hates me.” Clarke mumbles into the embrace and holds Lexa just as tight. “That’s what’s wrong, Lexa, my mom hates me. I don’t have any parents either.” And she should be crying but she’s not. Maybe because she long sense realized that she lost two parents a long time ago rather than one. But it still hurts, even if she doesn’t cry, it still hurts.

“Clarke,” Lexa seems to be the one choking up, though Clarke’s vision manages to stay clear. She’s wanted to tell Lexa for a while, and it feels nice to get it off her chest, to finally share this part of herself with her, to open up to her so she can know at least some parts of why she is the way she is.

“I was driving; it is my fault isn’t it.”

“Baby girl no.” Lexa’s voice crack and she backs up slightly. “No it wasn’t.” and Lexa kisses Clarke’s head before wrapping her up in another tight embrace. “Nothing that horrible could ever be your fault.”

“I keep trying to please her but I never can.”

“Maybe you should stay away from her, for a while, not forever, just so you can heal and maybe she can, _get a grip_.” Lexa’s fingers tangle in her hair and she holds her tighter, and Clarke has never felt safer, she expected to be the one shaking during this moment but it is Lexa who shakes slightly in her arms, who holds her so tight like she’s afraid she will wither away into thin air if she lets go.

“I didn’t want to burden you with this.”

“Clarke, listen to me.” Lexa pulls back and catches Clarke’s gaze. She looks at her in that way, that very serious way she gets that demands full and undivided attention and Clarke knows she wouldn’t be able to look away even if she wanted too. “I am your friend; I will always be your friend, no matter what happens. I want to help you, I don’t know if I can but I can try if you let me. That’s not a burden, caring for you is not a burden, wanting to be by your side, is not a burden.” Lexa traces Clarke’s cheekbone with her thumb and the blonde isn’t sure she’s ever had a softer moment with Lexa than this. “You are never ever, ever going to be a burden to me.” And Lexa kisses her mouth softly, briefly but it makes Clarke’s hands shake and tears fall from her eyes before she can stop them, as if all her strength is suddenly gone, unlocked and revealed with Lexa’s kindness, with the touch of her love like some ridiculous fairytale.

“I think I’m,” Clarke sniffs. “Lexa I have to tell you something else.”

“Okay,” Lexa mumbles perfectly, obviously all ears because Clarke is sure that Lexa is perfect or maybe just perfect for her. She is selfless and caring and continuously puts her first. She’s absolutely amazing and Clarke doesn’t think, that even if this doesn’t work out, that she will ever love someone the way that she has come to love Lexa. There isn’t another person on this planet that can compare to her, that can make her feel this way and knowing that is scary, knowing that makes everything so much harder to say, makes seeing out of her blurry vision so much harder to do.

Staring at Lexa’s beautiful eyes and trying to manage some kind of thought process of all the words that could maybe possible be made up into how she feels about this girl feels so impossible because are there even words? Are there even words to describe this unrivaled amount of affection she feels every time that Lexa so much as smiles at her. Are there words?

She can start with three.

“Clarke,” Lexa urges gently because the blonde can do nothing but stare at her with all the love that she feels inside of her pounding heart. She can do nothing but stare and ache and be in love and there’s no stopping it, there’s never any stopping it.

She can’t fight the inevitable.

 _I’m so in love with you_. But she can’t say it out loud, it doesn’t come out, her throat closes around the words and instead she just begins to cry, and she feels pathetic but at the same time, with Lexa wrapping her in her arms like this and pulling her close and cooing in her ear and calling her _baby_ every few moments, she can’t help but feel strong at the same time. Lexa’s love makes her stronger, no matter what version of it she may get, Clarke knows, it will always lift her up and maybe someday, she’ll be able to finally say those three words and Lexa might say them back.


	8. don't you shut this down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies so here's the thing about this chapter, I'm willing to spend next week just re-writing it if you guys hate it because here's THE THING. I did not plan for things to pan out the way they did in this chapter, there's things that happen that I hadn't originally wanted to happen until a few chapters later. But it felt right while I was writing it out for things to happen the way they did so I went with it anyways. However, I still feel a bit uncertain about it so if you guys don't like this chapter I'll spend next week re-writing this one. I'm a bit nervous about it but I hope you guys enjoy it anyways.
> 
> (Update: I'm not re-writing this. I knew my brain went this track for a reason. I'm confident with it. It's going to stay the same. Please enjoy it, as the next chapter is now perfectly set up because of this.)

##  _Summer, 2015_

“Clarke,” Lexa whispers quietly, fingers brushing back long locks of blonde hair as the blonde sleeps quietly against her shoulder. “Clarke we’re here.” She tries to urge the pretty blonde from sleep but she seems to be out cold. Lexa wonders if Clarke is sleeping any better without her, whenever Lexa doesn’t scum and find her way to her apartment, it’s been two weeks since the last time and Lexa can feel the exhaustion in a way that she’s growing quite used too. Clarke however, doesn’t seem to be used to it, and most of the time when they are together, she ends up falling asleep if there’s enough time to just sit together in the quiet for a moment. An hour long drive to the beach is certainly enough time to fall asleep.

“Just slap her.” Raven glances at her from the front seat, but Lexa’s gaze parts from her fast, mainly focused on the sleeping blonde against her shoulder. She looks so sweet and soft that Lexa’s heart hurts to actually wake her up and pull her from a dream that must be so very peaceful.

“Lexa wouldn’t.” Octavia chuckles like Raven’s crazy and the brunette knows that Octavia is right. She could never wake Clarke up like that. She can barely manage to wake Clarke up at all.

“ _Clarke_ ,” Lexa nudges slightly and Clarke’s eyelids flutter. She looks gentle and sweet and Lexa’s heart aches as she wakes her up. It’s so incredibly hard to do when she looks so very serene.

Raven chuckles as the blonde blinks, as if she’s trying to understand where she is and why she’s there. “We’re here dumbass.”

“Stop.” Octavia scoffs as she looks at the pair apologetically. It’s amusing and Lexa finds that being around them is really not that hard to do, even though most of the time, she is never comfortable with people that don’t seem to be Anya, Costia or Clarke.

“You’re okay?” Clarke blinks at Lexa, her eyes all soft and ocean like and even though they are about to see the ocean, Clarke’s eyes are still far more beautiful than even that could be. Lexa’s never been one much for the beach anyways, but she’s always in the mood to look at those eyes.

She smiles at the blonde reassuringly “I’m fine, let’s go have fun.” She encourages and watches as a soft answering smile stretch across Clarke’s pretty lips. They look warm and inviting and Lexa knows she stares at them too long and too obviously until Octavia is speaking up to break her daze.

“It would be too late to back out now anyways,” The girl teases lightly, eyebrows shooting up and down with lightheartedness in her voice that makes things easier for everyone in the car.

“I would make her drive us all the way back.” Clarke informs Lexa anyways, obviously ignoring Octavia’s scoff of horror at such a suggestion. The blonde’s eyes seem to only grow softer and Lexa has to remind herself that she can’t kiss her no matter how much she wants too. She doesn’t have that permission at this time, she can’t.

It’s a really hard thing to not do.

She instead just smiles at Clarke because who else can she look at when Clarke’s eyes are so beautiful just the way they are right now. “Let’s go enjoy the beach.” She mumbles quietly for some reason. It’s not a secret that they are here to have fun (despite Lexa’s distaste for hot weather and sand), but she has this way of talking to Clarke, as if the conversation is a secret that can only be shared between them. It’s not something Lexa is capable of stopping. She just seems to talk to Clarke like that no matter how much she may try to stop herself from doing that. It’s out of her control.

“Let’s go!” Raven announces excitedly and jumps out of the vehicle, Octavia following not long after her. Lexa slowly pulls herself from the backseat of the car as well, offering Clarke her hand to help her out and tries not to think about how nice it is to have Clarke’s hand in her own when the blonde finally takes it, pulling herself from the confining space as well.

Lexa tells herself to drop Clarke’s hand because it’s all too tempting to get lost in her touch, but the blonde’s grip grows much tighter once she’s standing and the strength to pull away from her is lost. If Clarke wants to hold her hand she’s going to let Clarke hold her hand, she can’t even think of a reason, so far away from their normal worries, why she shouldn’t let Clarke hold her hand.

They move around to the back of the vehicle where Raven and Octavia have already pulled out plenty of items for them to carry onto the beach. Clarke’s fingers adjust against Lexa’s so their fingers are intertwined and both the girls somehow manage to help, without letting their hands part.

Lexa forces herself not to pout as the sun beats down on them, because at least Clarke is here and holding her hand. Even that’s worth suffering through the heat and dealing with the sand between her toes. In fact, Clarke’s smile alone is all the reason to be here because Clarke loves the beach and the sun and Lexa loves the way the blonde looks when she’s happy. She always wants her to be happy.

The beach activities aren’t strenuous, it’s really just the four of them, playing in the sand and kicking at the water for a while, lying down on their blankets and having lunch with the ocean beside them. It’s nothing like the party last year and Lexa is glad for that. She spends the day instead; applying lots of sunblock to Clarke’s pale skin because she’s worried she’ll burn and kicking a soccer ball around with Octavia. It’s easy to be around both the other girls, but it’s even easier to pretend that it’s okay if someone catches her staring at Clarke a little longer than she should. Octavia catches her many times but never says anything, Raven only snickers playfully at her. Lexa is surprised by how contented she is.

The day is simple and relaxing. It’s nice to get away from reality and the worries of their day to day lives, just having a moment to themselves that they can enjoy without being bombarded by cameras or questions, or even Clarke’s mom who ruins her moods so often Lexa’s about to fly to her and destroy the woman’s cellphone. She tries to never say anything like that to Clarke however, she needs someone to be rational around and Lexa wants to be what’s best for her.

Clarke mother is something else, something that makes Lexa’s teeth grind when she so much as even thinks about it even for a moment. How anyone could treat Clarke the way that, that woman has is beyond the brunette but it’s even worse because this is Clarke’s mother. Lexa doesn’t exactly remember her mother, but she never imagined that a mother would be like that. Anya’s family was always very nice and Anya’s mother is always supportive of the older girl and always there for her.

Lexa’s always thought mothers are supposed to lift you up, not tare you down the way Clarke’s mother has to her. She brushes those thoughts off because now, at the beach, with Clarke touching her every once in a while and smiling like that, is not the time to worry about the girl’s mother.

Lexa tries to remain positive throughout the day but by 4 o’clock she’s a bit cranky because it’s hot and she’d much rather be home with Clarke instead. She doesn’t voice it, but when she opts to sit down in the shade provided by one of their umbrellas rather than hunting for seashells with everyone else Clarke seems to catch on; she knows her pretty well by this point. Having known each other for almost two years now and being practically inseparable since would only make sense that they just get each other. Though Lexa is pretty sure Clarke started picking up on Lexa’s tells a long, long time ago.

Clarke sits down next to her and just grabs her hand without saying much, those gorgeous blue eyes traveling to the water and admiring the waves as they crash against the shore. It’s hot and Lexa is sweaty but she doesn’t mind holding Clarke’s hand anyway, her fingers naturally fiddling with the blonde’s own as the comfortable quiet surfaces between them.

It’s like that for a bit, quite, only the sound of the waves offering up any noise and seagulls clucking overhead. Clarke’s touches are light and simple and everything about her and this moment is calming. “We can leave early.” Clarke tells her after another beat of silence, thumb tracing along Lexa’s skin as her eyes seem to follow the waves.

Lexa looks at her and for a brief moment she wonders just how it’s possible for someone this beautiful to even exist. “It’s fine Clarke.” And it honestly is. Yes she’s hot, and the sand is sticking to her skin and she hates that but she’s had a nice day with people she considers friends and the girl she loves. She doesn’t have a lot to complain about.

“Yeah,” The blonde sighs and scoots over on the blanket so her skin on her thigh presses against Lexa’s and the brunette takes a second to try and remember how to breathe. “but you’re hot and I know how much you hate that.” Clarke’s free hand comes up from her left to brush along the side of Lexa’s sweaty neck, before they brush down her long braid.

Lexa _can’t_ breathe.

“I’m having fun.” She admits with bated breath, letting her gaze drop to their intertwined fingers. She examines them like they are something incredibly interesting but she can’t think of anything at all when Clarke’s touch is skating across her skin and the blonde is sitting so incredibly close to her, touching her so… _softly_.

“I know,” Clarke turns her head gently with the tips of her fingers at the other side of Lexa’s jawline until Lexa is looking into those eyes again and then Clarke kisses the corner of her mouth and she melts, a small shudder leaving her as the blonde’s breath touches her skin. “Let’s go home and get some pizza and sit on my couch.” She mumbles quietly, and Lexa has never thought that a statement like that could ever sound sexier.

Perhaps it’s just her brain, wanting what she can’t have, nonetheless, _she can’t breathe_.

She tries to tease but her voice comes out all croaky and raspy, a clear indication to how she’s feeling. “Pizza again?” If Clarke is paying attention to her tone, she says nothing about it, the only signal that she may know the difference in her voice at all is the low look suddenly in her eyes as those pretty blues grow a bit heavier and more dilated.

Lexa can’t look away from her, not even if she wanted too.

“The only food we can get that you don’t mind the touching thing.” The blonde informs with an affectionate smile that has Lexa’s heart pounding aggressively in her chest against her breastbone. Clarke’s lips look nice turned up with her smirk and Lexa’s brain can’t stop thinking about what they might taste like today. She wishes she could find out. Clarke’s eyes are on her mouth as well, it wouldn’t take much to close the distance.

“That’s because it’s all meant to touch.” She tries to inform casually, reasonably.

The blonde doesn’t blink to the shake in Lexa’s voice, though heavy blues slowly pull from her mouth to look into her eyes again. “Yes it is.” Clarke smiles at her fondly and plays with her braid for a moment, seemingly lost in staring at the stray strands as she does so. Lexa’s grip on Clarke’s hand is tighter than she means for it to be and she has to think before she can get her hand to loosen slightly and relax against Clarke’s again.

“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice is low. “Tell me no.” The brunette’s hand tightens in Clarke’s once more and the blonde looks at her slightly confused, her gaze still heavy as they fall to Lexa’s lips for a second time.

“No?” Clarke questions gently, a confused scrunch to her nose as she tries to comprehend why Lexa would say that to her and what it means. Lexa’s heart is in her throat as she thinks about all the ways she could just show her what she means. Ignore the reasons she can’t and close all the space left between them. Push Clarke down onto the towel, touch her skin, reach under her swimsuit and make them both forget.

She tries to push the thoughts back, they’re inappropriate for beach day, for this moment. Lexa isn’t sure she can say it out loud but she knows what she’s going to do if Clarke doesn’t tell her no. “Tell me not to do it.” She tries again.

“Lexa what are you talking about?” The adorable confused look on her face is as distracting as the gentle confused smile on her lips. She is so beautiful, and even more so with the wind slightly sweeping across her skin and pushing the strands of her long blonde hair back. She is beautiful and Lexa is so in love.

“Tell me not to kiss you.” And she thinks that’s probably the first time she’s really said something quite like that out loud without having any alcohol in her system. She isn’t sure if she should be proud of herself for actually admitting what she wants, her disappointed in herself for always wanting what she can’t have.

Clarke swallows and her eyes can’t seem to move from Lexa’s mouth. The look the blonde is giving her is of no help to Lexa’s urges. “Lexa,”

“Say no now.” Lexa requests on last time, body adjusting on its own so she is facing Clarke more, the blonde’s hand still against her braid as her eyes grow wider.

“I can’t.” She says quietly, so quietly that Lexa’s heart leaps with her tone and she’s pushing forward without trying to stop herself.

But now, even though it feels like the right time, apparently it isn’t, and Raven shouting Clarke’s name as she flies up the beach with hands full of shells is an indicator of that.

Lexa lets out a heavy breathe of frustration that apparently touches Clarke’s lips and the blonde must take some kind of pity on her because she does kiss her, but brief and fast so they both can’t get lost in it. Her lips pecking at Lexa’s really quick and pulling away before Lexa can grab her and just throw her down against the towel. Who cares if sand gets everywhere? Kissing Clarke would be worth it.

 

 

Clarke sighs heavily and leans back against Lexa as the brunette wraps her arms around her body, pulling her close and resting her chin against her shoulder. It’s nice and perfect and in the comfort of her home. Her breath is warm on the side of her face as Clarke turns for a moment to look at her slightly, not caring much about the slight touch of the girl’s nose against her own.

“How’s your brother?” Lexa whispers quietly, like they have to keep their voices below a certain level in an apartment that they occupy alone together. There’s a soft look in green eyes that has Clarke’s stomach flipping the way she’s grown quite used too since getting to know Lexa. Clarke drops her phone on the counter and twists in the girl’s arms so she can face her, brushing her fingertips along a delicate cheekbone, watching as the touch makes Lexa’s eyelids flutter.

_She is perfect._

“Misses me.” She says quietly and feels another breath leave her as Lexa’s forehead presses to her own, making her eyelids flutter shut for a moment, while she takes in the way this closeness, this touch feels, the intimacy of the moment, washing through her until she has to talk herself out of kissing Lexa, long and hard and appreciatively because the brunette is so perfect for her. Always so perfect.

“I’m sorry,” The girl’s nose brushes against her own again and Clarke shudders as she feels her breath on her lips, tipping forward subconsciously, but stopping herself short when she realizes what she’s chasing. A taste she’s not quite allowed to have, not yet, not in this time, even if she aches for it.

“I wish you could meet him.” Clarke admits quietly, letting her eyes open long enough to see Lexa’s again, because looking at her, looking into those green orbs is her favorite thing next to kissing her. She loves the detail, the softness, she wishes she could paint her but she knows if she tries it’ll never come out right. She can still try, she has tried, and she’ll try again.

“Maybe someday.”

 

***

 

Clarke and Anya have been working tirelessly – or at least that’s what it feels like – all day to get Lexa’s birthday to be perfect. Lexa herself would have just appreciated them getting her pie alone, but this is Lexa, and Anya and Clarke won’t allow Lexa to get away with a pie and a movie. No, Lexa needs a party, though she doesn’t like big parties so they’ve set it up perfectly. Anya’s apartment (which Clarke has never been to before until now) is the destination and dinner is going to be cooked specifically for her.

Lexa’s fond of big meals with people she’s closest too. She’s told Clarke that it always makes her feel like a part of a family, which she doesn’t often get the chance to experience, so her and Anya are round clock working, because it’s Lexa birthday, and someone as perfect as Lexa needs to have a good one. Last year it had been much simpler, they had just pampered Lexa with gifts and watched movies with her, but this year… this year things were going to be a bit different.

Outside of Lexa’s favorite wine they didn’t have much choices of alcohol, but that’s only because the brunette didn’t do a lot of drinking outside of house parties and dance clubs. This wasn’t a party like those though, this was important. _Special_. They even bought specific plates for this occasion, they got the fanciest ones they could and Clarke knew just by looking at them that Lexa would laugh the moment she saw them nonetheless.

She’d still appreciate the food not touching.

Clarke has to buy her a few things for the day as well, though her main gift sits at home, wrapped up on her bed for when Lexa comes back with her, _if_ Lexa comes back with her. If not, Clarke will have to bring her the gift later. Perhaps she should have just brought it anyway, but a small piece of her had hope Lexa would choose her bed tonight. If Lexa has any wine she will, and that’s not Clarke being hopeful or cocky, that’s more just fact above anything else. Lexa doesn’t usually stay away from Clarke after she’s had a bit of alcohol and wine’s her favorite. If she ends up drinking any, she’ll probably request Clarke’s bed (because “it’s bigger and more comfortable than her own”).

Raven is a welcome addition because Lexa has been honest about really liking the girl. They get along great, and they always win if they team together in some kind of video game that doesn’t often catch Clarke’s attention. She’s never been big on them, but she does like watching Lexa play. She gets this focused knit to her eyebrows that she normally only sees whenever she’s going over her lines. It’s adorable.

Lincoln is here too, and Costia is on her way with Lexa. Anya has opted to leave Luna out of an invitation even though Lexa quite enjoys her company as well. Clarke’s sure it’s got something to do with Raven, but she says nothing. Those two will figure it out eventually, she’s sure.

“Lexa’s going to laugh so hard once she sees these plates.” Lincoln chuckles as he examines one in his hand, flipping it a few times to check it over.

Clarke can only smile briefly at the thought of Lexa’s laughter the moment she sees them. “She’ll laugh even more when she realizes they’re also a gift.” The blonde takes on and slowly dishes out specific food items carefully onto the plate. This is Lexa’s and it has to be served correctly.

Anya doesn’t care about organization for any of the other plates but Clarke scolds her nonetheless. “All the plates should be prepared the same. Imagine how satisfying it will be for her to look up from her own plate and see everyone’s is the same.” Clarke likes to imagine the twinkle that will be there and even though Anya rolls her eyes at her, she still follows her instructions, being much more careful with the other plates.

It’s all simple, but it’s also more than Lexa expects and that is clear when she first enters the apartment. The first person she looks at is Clarke and the smile the blonde is greeted with is probably everything. Her attitude about the whole thing is infectious, she’s incredibly happy and that’s easy to see by the twinkle in her gaze.

Clarke can think of nothing better than making Lexa smile like that all the time.

She laughs at the plates, she laughs at Lincoln’s jokes, she has wine and gets huggy with everyone, her eyes tear up when they bring her the pie even though she says they don’t. She tells Anya she loves her and the smile on her face makes Clarke’s heart clench with affection. She loves seeing Lexa happy.

Something about the way Anya looks at her tells Clarke that Lexa must not say those words often, and the moment is precious as the brunette flings her arms around the older girl who’s own eyes have teared up slightly, but she also denies that.

Lexa gets excited when they get to the gifts and Clarke is mesmerized by the carefree laugh she releases with each new package. She gets pretty much a collection of her favorite candle scents and roller blades with her name on them, which makes her laugh more. She likes ripping at the paper, and her eyes grow brighter each time she digs into a new package. It’s like she’s a little kid in this moment and Clarke has never seen her act quite this young before, quite this carefree. She’s never seen her quite this happy and it makes Clarke already promise herself to fight to make her this happy as often as possible.

Clarke’s got her set with symbolic pendant of a broken infinity symbol. Lexa traces it before setting it aside to keep it safe and when Clarke gets close enough to whisper in her ear, Lexa blinks at her a few times, a soft whisper of a promise of “I will always be here” that only the brunette could hear. It makes Clarke for a second think that maybe she can make Lexa happy as her face splits and she kisses Clarke’s cheek so delicately, so personally in front of everyone and hugs her tighter than she hugs anyone else.

It takes Clarke’s breath from her lungs. “I have more for you.” She tells her as she holds her back because parting from Lexa isn’t something she ever wants to do.

“More?” Lexa’s voice is high pitched and sweet and Clarke only nods into her neck as the girl hugs her tighter. Her embrace is comforting and safe and Clarke doesn’t care how many people are in the room or what it looks like, she just wants Lexa to never let her go.

“Okay, part please, you have to share her while she’s here.” Anya teases playfully and Lexa reluctantly releases Clarke, though her hand seems to stray at Clarke’s lower back as she glances over to her friend to give her a lively glare.

“It’s at my apartment though,” Clarke mumbles in her ear again and Lexa’s brief smile and flash of excitement are impossible to miss. She’s so adorable like this, it’s everything to see her so happy and Clarke knows she won’t be able to get the mental picture of that excited smile out of her head for days, maybe never.

“Okay.” Lexa kisses her cheek again, though it’s closer to her lips this time than the previous one. “Trying to get me to come home with you?” She teases in her ear and Clarke blushes slightly and looks down because _maybe_?

“If you want too.” She admits, feeling her heart squeeze in her chest like she just asked for the world. Like she had just looked Lexa in the face and admitted how in love she is and can’t take it back. She didn’t do that, of course what she’s feeling is too much, but she can’t stop it. She wants Lexa all the time and she feels like asking her to come home with her is a lot more personal than she had originally intended for it to be.

“Always do.” Lexa winks briefly, though her cheeks as well tint a color pink that make Clarke’s lips part briefly with the thoughts in her head. She’s distracted again before Clarke can properly respond, parting from her and slumping back in her chair to open the rest of her gifts.

Lexa says she’s taking home the leftover wine and nobody protests because they bought it for her, her favorite. Anya doesn’t even like that kind of wine but she drinks it anyway because it’s Lexa’s birthday and she’d always do anything she can for Lexa.

By the time the night ends its past midnight and Lexa is dazed with happiness. They leave together and Clarke helps Lexa carry her gifts to her car that’s parked right outside the front of the building. Lexa looks so tried but so incredibly beautiful and Clarke is caught staring more than once by the pretty brunette girl that walks beside her.

Lexa says nothing of it though.

She gives Clarke one of those beautiful signature smirks that the blonde fell for many months ago when she opens the backseat for her to place her gifts in and they both empty the contents of packages in their arms. Clarke shuts the door and opens the passenger side for Lexa and the brunette giggles, a beautiful sound that makes Clarke’s own lips turn up. How could they not when Lexa is so happy?

“Thanks _baby_ ,” She whispers in her ear making Clarke shudder slightly as the girl’s lips trail across her cheek again. She lingers there for a bit and Clarke has never had such a problem holding her tongue before. Usually it’s easy to not ask Lexa for things she wants… or not easy, but not talking is something they’re both good at. Tonight however, it almost feels impossible. She’s sure she’s got a few lipstick stains there from Lexa kissing that same cheek all night, but barely cares, too engrossed by the beauty beside her.

Lexa falls into the seat and Clarke closes it after she sees the girl buckle, rounding the vehicle with a smile on her face that she can’t erase. She pulls her door open and hurries to start the car. She wants to give Lexa her other gift, the one she’s been saving for literal months. She hopes Lexa will like it.

It’s silent for some time, and Clarke isn’t in a hurry to break it. She’s actually quite afraid of what will slip off her tongue if she tries for conversation so she opts to keep the quiet, focusing instead on getting home fast and safely. “Is it hard for you to drive?” Lexa asks with her head resting against the seat, turned just slightly so she can stare at the blonde while she manages the vehicle.

Clarke shakes her head, unminding of the personal question. “Not normally, sometimes maybe.” She stops at a light, she doesn’t feel like she can get home fast enough but she tells herself to be patient. The present isn’t going to disappear and neither is Lexa, whom sits with drooping tired eyes and a happy smile on her face beside her. She loves her, and she loves that she is so happy in this moment.

“You’re a good driver.” Lexa says and it’s cute, so cute that Clarke has to look at her, even if it’s just for a moment.

 _She looks so beautiful_. “Thank you,” She responds lightly, looking back at the road as the light changes colors and reaching across the empty space for Lexa’s hand almost subconsciously. She realizes it though and stops herself, however she doesn’t pull her hand back as Lexa takes it, her fingers sliding between her own and making that complete feeling surface through Clarke’s body, making her chest feel so tight she’s sure her heart’s going to burst right out of it.

Lexa squeezes her hand and Clarke can still feel her eyes on her. “You’re so pretty,” The brunette mumbles and Clarke risks a glance at her before focusing on the road again. There’s a look in her eyes, something that Clarke can’t quite put her finger on, something important that she should know but she can’t quite name.

Instead her heart just beats and beats and beats like it may never get the chance to beat again. “You have seen you right?” Clarke teases, but Lexa is serious, another squeeze to her hand, another soft brush of her thumb along her skin and the air left in Clarke’s lungs is completely stolen. Lexa wants to have a serious conversation and Clarke is so close to confessing everything inside, everything she’s been holding back because she can’t say it, she can’t say that stuff yet, she can’t have what she wants and she can’t say something that makes it seem like she can. She can’t be honest with Lexa about her feelings because Lexa would be honest about hers and then what would be left for them to fight? It’s not the time to scum to what feels inevitable. _It’s not the time_.

“ _Clarke”_ and the blonde shivers to the sound, forcing her gaze to stay on the road as she makes a sharp turn. “I _want_ something.” She says softly and the blonde takes in a deep breath and holds it as she pulls into the parking lot of her apartment building.

She hopes it’s not all the same things that Clarke wants because the blonde isn’t sure she has the strength to say no, even though she knows she should, to protect Lexa, to protect herself, to figure it out before they both get hurt, before her brother gets hurt.

“Okay,” She releases her breath and meets Lexa’s deep gaze, one that’s staring at every inch of Clarke’s features, almost like she fears looking away from her. It makes Clarke feel… _so in love_.

The brunette adjusts in her seat. “Let’s go up before I tell you what it is.” Lexa’s hand parts from Clarke’s and the blonde immediately misses her touch, heart beating hard and fast and almost painful as she thinks of all the things Lexa could say to her, all the possible outcomes. She needs to prepare for them but she isn’t prepared. Her mind is jumbled with Lexa and littered with wine. Her heart is on the verge of confessing her love, how is she supposed to keep some kind of line if she can’t even manage to have the strength to draw it?

She isn’t sure what she wants to hear.

They exit the vehicle slowly and pretend not to notice the small flash from a darker corner of the parking lot. It irks on Clarke’s nerves to have her privacy invaded but she keeps her mind clear. She’s still not quite used to the camera’s camping out and waiting for her in the parking lot like they have been doing, but she supposes it’s just a side effect of the job, and she does love her job.

Lexa and Clarke don’t say anything until they’re inside, the lobby bright and familiar as Lexa leads the way toward the elevator.

“Sure you don’t want to just try the stairs?” Clarke teases softly but Lexa only answers with a shake of her head, just once, and her expression is rather serious. Whatever is on her mind, she won’t stray from it and that knowledge is kind of frightening, though the brunette grabs her hand once the elevator doors close and it seems to relax her again.

The elevator ride is filled with something, Clarke can’t place quite what. Lexa’s hand in her own is gentle again, her thumb brushing across her skin every now and again as if she’s soothing something but Clarke couldn’t name it. The blonde wants to fill the silence, but at the same time she isn’t sure she should, not with the look on Lexa’s face.

She’s a bit tense, the same way she is whenever the elevator doors close, but she relaxes more once they shoot open, though she still flies out of the metal death box like she’s on fire. It’s cute, and Clarke snickers slightly as she rushes down the hall to apartment 3B.

What shocks Clarke is that Lexa already has her own key out, shoving it in and pulling the door open quickly and tugging Clarke inside before the blonde can even blink. She locks it behind her and turns on Clarke in the next moment and for a second the blonde assumes that words are just going to assault her, some hidden request of Lexa’s wants that Clarke might not be able to handle, that Clarke won’t be able to respond to correctly and she’ll hurt her anyway, and she can’t hurt her, not today on her birthday, not ever.

But that’s not what happens.

Instead Lexa is in her arms so fast it shocks her and it takes her a moment to fully wrap herself around the girl as well. Lexa’s nose brushes her pulse point and Clarke shudders and holds her tighter, she can feel her breathe and feel her breaths on her skin, can hear the quiver with each intake and feel the shudder down her spine and she really wonder what Lexa wants to ask her for. Whatever it is, Lexa is laying herself bare.

She is vulnerable and in a way so is Clarke.

“Lexa,” She mumbles quietly, she fears if she says her name any louder the girl will break. “Tell me what you want gorgeous.” She coos softly and feels the girl shudder more, burying herself tighter around her until Clarke isn’t sure she’ll be able to pull her off… she doesn’t really want to pull her off but she knows they have to part at some point. Clarke is so close to asking Lexa to just be with her, to telling Lexa she’s in love with her and wants to try and be enough.

Lexa’s mind perhaps isn’t far off her own. “ _You_.”

Clarke’s heart clenches so much it hurts and she wants to pull her closer, to keep her as close as she can get her but Lexa is pulling back. Not far however. She doesn’t pull back far, only long enough so she can close the distance and kiss her hard, deep, in a way that Clarke has missed and the soft moan that leaves her is only proof of that.

She has no more control, her dazed brain is only filled with all the same wants that Lexa seems to be pouring into her.

The deep flip in her stomach, the aching in her entire body that suddenly feels less painful with each press of Lexa’s lips against her own. It’s all there for one thing and Clarke gets lost and breathless, hands in Lexa’s hair, her tongue pressing into the girl’s mouth until she shudders because she’s responding the same exact way.

In the back of Clarke’s mind she knows, she knows she shouldn’t be doing this but she can’t seem to get that part to be louder. All she can focus on is how much she wants and what Lexa wants and how good it feels to be kissed by her, to feel her hands on her body and her passion in her kiss.

She can’t hear over her own heartbeat, she doesn’t even realize they have moved until she feels the counter behind her, body slamming into it slightly so it takes the air from her chest and she huffs against Lexa’s mouth, whose hands lift at her thighs to signal for Clarke to move up and onto the counter, helping her lift and pulling her legs around her.

There’s heaviness between them, an explosion of all the things they want and have been denying themselves. Their minds long lost on why they haven’t done this before. Lexa’s hands are uncontrollable, sliding under her shirt, along her stomach, around to her back, up her spine until they part a moment so she can pull the garment away from her body and throw it somewhere onto the kitchen floor. It’s dark, the only light coming in from the streetlights that peer through the windows.

Clarke can barely breathe as Lexa’s mouth captures her own again, not taking much time to admire the newly exposed skin, though her hands move along the areas of their own accord, tracing and warming her up until she fears she might beg for more than she should.

Lexa’s hands are delicate and fast and Clarke’s own are at the buttons on Lexa’s shirt. She isn’t thinking, she’s _feeling_ , and it’s hard not to feel when the girl you’re in love with is devouring your mouth.

Her tongue is persistent, along the roof of her mouth and brushing across her teeth before pushing against her own again; caressing her like she does with her hands. She is a great kisser, an excellent one, and it’s unsurprising that Clarke is a mess only from that alone. Pair it with Lexa wandering hands and there isn’t a thing Clarke can do to stop this. Not when she wants it so badly.

Lexa’s shirt is open finally and the girl’s hands are at Clarke’s jeans when the brunette seems to stop a second. Clarke is dazed and not in her right mind when she pulls back, when those greens swallowed by something lock with her own, there’s a question there and Clarke doesn’t know how to answer it.

Instead she does what she’s best at. She kisses her again. Deep and passionate and full of all of Clarke’s feelings that she can never manage to say out loud. She shakes with her desire as the warmth between her legs grows heavier at the pop of the button on her jeans. Her legs loosening around Lexa’s waist so the girl can pull them down, teeth biting at her lower lip until she’s moaning and feeling those hands drag down her thighs, her legs, until she’s tugging at Clarke’s shoes and pulling the tight jeans completely off her, the garment falling somewhere along the floor with her shirt.

Clarke has never ached this much to be touched by someone before, and maybe Lexa knows that as she deepens their kisses and slides Clarke’s legs open again, pulling them tightly around her and pushing forward with her hips until everything in Clarke grows warm and spikes with a feeling she hasn’t had in months, a breathless moan escaping her lips as they part briefly from Lexa’s.

Lexa’s mouth is persistent, traveling across her jawline and down her skin, nipping and marking and making her _feel_ so much she’s sure she mumbles something that makes no sense out loud rather than just thinks it. Lexa’s hands are on her stomach again, sliding up her body and around her back to tug at the latch of her bra until the material falls loose almost expertly.

She pulls it away and tosses it behind them without parting her lips from Clarke’s skin, the girl’s hands cupping at Clarke’s chest until the blonde hips jerk against Lexa’s on their own accord. She is a mess, and she does not care that Lexa sees her this way.

Wet lips biting across white skin until she turns it red, making wetness pool between Clarke’s legs that almost has her begging for relief, though she says nothing, unsure if she even could as her throat feels incredibly dry and her hands won’t stop shaking as they grip Lexa’s hair.

There’s something deeply passionate about Lexa’s caresses, Lexa’s teeth as they nip at a breast and Clarke throws her head back, giving in to everything Lexa is willing to hand her. Denying is not something that keeps them apart, denying has only delayed this. This… _This_ is inevitable.

They are meant to be here and that’s inescapable as Lexa’s mouth closes around a puckered pink nipple, making Clarke moan deeply in the back of her throat and push her hips into Lexa’s once again, the button on Lexa jeans rubs against her clit and her body feels warm and pleasure rushes through her, pleasure she hasn’t felt in so long, her hands tightening in the brunette’s hair as she lavishes her skin and leaves her marks on her body. She bucks her hips again as Lexa mouths travels across her chest to the other nipple, and Clarke can’t think, she can only feel as her body begs for more. She can feel how wet she’s getting and she can’t even find shame. Lexa always makes her feel so many things, she can’t think of a reason to fight this, not in this moment with pleasure dazing her already tired brain.

Clarke has never wanted to be marked by anyone the way she wants to be marked by Lexa.

She aches to kiss her again, and tugs at her hair until the brunette gets the point, parting from her breasts to kiss her messily and sloppily, hands gripping the sides of her thighs so tight Clarke is sure when she removes them the press of her fingers will still be noticeable.

She doesn’t mind.

Clarke unclips Lexa’s bra and pulls them close together so she can feel her skin against her own and she hums to the feeling because nothing has ever felt more perfect. Lexa’s shaky hands are back at her hips, tugging at her underwear almost impatiently and Clarke lifts her hips, ignoring the ringing of her cellphone in the purse on the counter beside her. She even shoves it further down the space, further away from her because stopping this might destroy her as Lexa’s hands slide down her thighs again, her legs before she pulls the garment from Clarke’s body and throws it onto the floor.

She is naked on her kitchen counter and the girl she’s in love with has put her there.

Her phone rings again and she continues to ignore it, deepening their kisses as Lexa’s fingers slowly part Clarke’s legs again, hands brushing along her inner thighs and making Clarke shake with anticipation. Her stomach flips and her body is on fire with a want that almost has her asking, _almost_ , but she’s afraid to speak out loud. Afraid to bring herself to reality, one where she knows this can’t be real. She’s afraid of consequence and of Lexa’s body leaving her own.

She just wants to feel and that’s all Lexa seems to want as well, her fingers massaging at her inner thighs and her kisses growing more and more desperate, almost as if she anticipates this touch as much as Clarke does. Though her fingers stop short of where Clarke wants them. She looks at Clarke in that way again, that deep important way that Clarke can’t quite understand but she doesn’t ask, she doesn’t ask as she lifts her hips to answer her and Lexa’s lips part like she’s never seen something more amazing then Clarke begging with her body for her to touch her.

The phone rings again and breaks into the daze this time, Lexa’s eyes slipping from Clarke to look at the purse across the counter like it’s her worst enemy and it makes the blonde giggle because it’s cute, it really is cute. She pulls Lexa’s attention back, kissing her softly and humming slightly as she feels Lexa’s fingers flex against her thigh.

“Should answer that.” The brunette mumbles against her mouth and Clarke pouts a moment.

“I don’t want too.” She whispers, her voice is lower and raspier than she’s ever heard it before and that has an effect on Lexa, whose eyes seem to grow darker as they gaze into her own. She has never been looked at in quite this way and it makes Clarke feel sexy, feel wanted and desired and it’s something new, something different that Clarke is going to crave for the rest of her life. She knows it.

“Answer it, and we’ll finish what we started after.” Lexa whispers delicately and kisses Clarke so deeply that she forgets what she’s said after she said it, hips bucking forward on their own accord, the strong desire to be touched aching and burning low in her body, making her whine as Lexa pulls away from her, pulls her hands from her as well.

Reaching across the space and grabbing Clarke’s purse. “It’s not going to stop and it’s distracting me and I don’t want to be distracted.” Lexa tells her gently, that beautiful smile on her face again as she traces Clarke cheek with her fingertips. “You are so beautiful.” She mumbles like it aches her to do so and Clarke aches hearing it, eyes watering slightly as she stares at Lexa’s green ones.

“I,” _love you_.

“Answer it,” Lexa pushes the cellphone into Clarke’s hand, they both haven’t looked at who it is and Lexa kisses her mouth one last time, long and lingering before pulling herself from Clarke and walking across the space toward Clarke’s bedroom, tugging her pants off somewhere in the middle and Clarke watches, throbbing almost painfully between her legs, rubbing her thighs together to try and get some relief as she tries to focus on the ringing phone in her hands.

It’s her mom and she can feel her heart plummet, the urge to toss the device in the trash grows immensely but she pushes it down and instead, clears her throat to try and get a handle on her heated nerves and answer the phone.

“Clarke,” That is not her mother’s voice, and instead a soft smile greets her lips.

“Jake what are you doing calling so late?” She asks a bit concerned as the boy huffs slightly on the other line.

“I got scared.” He said softly and Clarke frowns.

“Scared of what?” She asks gently and listens to the boy breathe.

“There was a loud noise outside my window and mom wouldn’t check.”

Clarke’s heart clenches slightly as she pulls herself from the counter, grabbing her shirt from the floor and pulling it over her head. Of course her mother wouldn’t check, why be a good mother and help your son when he’s scared? “Are you alright, what did it sound like?” She asks gently as she walks from the kitchen, grabbing Lexa’s pants and placing them along the back of the couch as she goes.

She focuses on her brother instead of her thoughts of Lexa. “A bang Clarke!” And a soft smile is on her face again as her brother speaks as if she’s not grasping the importance of the situation. He’s adorable but she is always worried for him.

“Okay, did you call Wells?” Clarke asks gently, because she trusts Wells with her life and knows he will be able to protect him when Clarke is too far away to do so.

“No, he’s sleeping.” Jake mumbles quietly.

“Call him okay and then call me back right after you know he’s coming over and I’ll stay on the line with you until everything is safe.” She promises because she would do anything for him. No matter what is going on in her life, she’d drop it completely all for him, to help him and protect him. This is her brother; she loves him more than she loves most anything.

“I wish you were here,” And Clarke’s heart aches for him.

“Me too buddy, be brave for me okay.” Clarke pushes her bedroom door open slightly to see Lexa pulling open the box that Clarke had put her gift in. Really she didn’t need to wrap it, the sweater was worn, one of her oldest ones, but Lexa adored it and had mumbled about how it makes her feel safe and how she likes Clarke’s smell.

The sweater looks better on Lexa than it ever did Clarke.

“Promise you’ll pick up right away.” Jake mumbles in distress and Clarke’s chest burst with affection.

“I promise.” She says delicately and waits to hang up until she hears the dial tone.

Lexa has shoved the sweater over her head as she examines the passes in her hands and Clarke enters the room fully, tossing the contents of the wrapping onto the floor and the box as well. She’ll have to remember how much Lexa loves to rip open packages, so that each time she gets her something she remembers to wrap it just to see that slight twinkle in her eye.

“Clarke what is this?” She asks softly, her voice raspy and low and so fucking beautiful that Clarke can only blink at a few moments, trying hard to wrap her head around her words and not just climb into her lap and finish what they had started in the kitchen. Now that there is some space and Clarke’s head is a bit clearer she knows they shouldn’t do this, but at the same time, she is not strong enough to tell herself no anymore. She wants to be with Lexa and fighting it just feels impossible. They will always end up this way no matter how hard Clarke tries.

Clarke will just have to think it through, figure out a way around her mother so she can still see her brother and be with Lexa at the same time. She can do it; it can’t be that hard right? “A trip,” Clarke climbs onto the bed and sits next to Lexa as the girl examines the items. It’s dark so the blonde reaches over and switches her lamp on so Lexa can see better, though they both squint at first, having gotten used to the dim.

“Like a getaway?” Lexa mumbles as she examines them more and more, Clarke can’t read her expression, or her raspy voice, but she hopes she likes it. She wants her to like it, she wants to make her happy.

“Yeah to Polis,” She informs and watches the expression on Lexa’s face change slightly from one of contemplation to pure joy.

It makes Clarke’s heart sing. “You didn’t do that.” Lexa’s voice is full of something that Clarke can’t name, her eyes looking at the passes and then at Clarke and then at the passes again. She’s beautiful and happy and Clarke has never felt more in love with her than she has this whole night, watching her smile and feeling her passion and wanting her so badly she aches for it. She is so in love and Clarke is so tired of telling herself no.

“I remember you telling me you always wanted to go when you were a kid but you never could, remember and Anya doesn’t like rollercoasters.” Her hand slides near Lexa but doesn’t quite touch her, not yet as the brunette seems to focus greatly on the passes in her hands.

“Clarke this is,” She takes in a deep breath like she doesn’t know what to say.

“There’s two passes there and that comes with you know a suite and stuff for the weekend.” Clarke scoots over along the bed so she’s closer to the girl and watches her face as she continues to look at them. Her lips are swollen and plump from kissing her and her eyes are still filled with that heavy gaze they get when she wants all the same things Clarke wants. Her hair is tangled and curling and so beautiful, she is so stunningly beautiful.

“You’ve been saving this?” She asks in amazement as she looks up from the passes to find Clarke’s gaze and the blonde is sure she’s mesmerized by her. How could she not be? Lexa is absolutely perfect.

“Yeah,” Clarke reaches across the space and brushes back the tangles of Lexa’s brown hair. She’s messed it up greatly with her hands and she can’t think of a reason to not be slightly proud of that. She wants to mess it up more; she wants to be the reason to mess it up all the time. God she loves seeing her like this, half naked in her bed, with swollen lips and tangled hair. She is so fucking beautiful.

“I thought it was the pendant.” Lexa smiles innocently and Clarke returns it.

“You can take whoever you want and,”

“You aren’t going to come?” Lexa’s voice sounds immensely disappointed at that, that the blonde has to force herself to hold back her chuckle.

“If you want me too I will.” She brushes back her hair some more and Lexa’s eyelids flutter and drop to her lips again. Clarke can’t wait to kiss her some more but is holding off for the sake of her brother who should be calling back at any moment.

“Clarke I don’t want to go with anybody else.” She then puts the passes aside and kisses Clarke deeply, so deep the blonde forgets reality again, wrapping her fingers up in soft hair and falling back onto the bed until the brunette is lying on top of her and it feels perfect. She aches for release that only Lexa can give her and she forgets about her responsibilities as she feels it pulse between her legs.

She moans into her mouth as Lexa’s thigh lifts against her and her hips jerk to relieve the pressure there, her clit throbbing along the surface of Lexa’s thigh and she knows the girl can feel how wet she is, she knows how wet she is but she can’t find it in herself to be embarrassed about it. Lexa gasps slightly against her mouth but says nothing as she presses more firmly into her, and swipes her tongue roughly against Clarke’s, who’s thought wander off as the pleasure spikes through her body and another moan catches in the back of her throat.

She is aching but they can’t do this yet. “Wait,” Clarke moans and whines as Lexa pulls her thigh back, her hips chasing the pressure despite her request for Lexa to stop. “My brother is going to call back, just wait.” She mumbles as if it’s painful to say and it seems to make the brunette only chuckle affectionately, kissing at Clarke’s cheek again and pulling herself from Clarke’s body until the blonde is whining again.

She aches so badly for her. “Okay,” She yawns and adjusts her position until she’s tangling her legs in-between Clarke’s and resting her head on the girl’s chest. “Breathe baby.” Lexa teases and Clarke hums in response, tangling her fingers in Lexa hair and holding onto her phone so tight it might bust in her hand.

Her brother calls back a few minutes later and Clarke talks him through his fears. She speaks to him as he falls asleep and talks to him about their dad because he always likes it when Clarke does that. She talks to him about Lexa, who seems to listen to her as well and snuggles closer with everything she says. She talks to him until she hears him breathe even and slowly fall asleep and smiles fondly as Lexa seems to follow in his place.

Her eyes drooping shut though she tries to fight it. Clarke hangs up her phone and turns slightly to press a kiss to Lexa’s forehead. “Goodnight gorgeous.” She whispers and Lexa hums slightly, holding her tighter and falling asleep against her chest. It doesn’t take Clarke very long to fall asleep as well, always finding peace inside herself whenever Lexa is wrapped around her body, no matter how worked up she is.

 

 

“Did you know the trip was for couples?” Lexa ask gently as her eyes drift shut as Clarke tugs at her hair, the soft beginnings of a complicated braid soothing her after a long day of the heated sun and lots of screaming. She sits between the blonde’s legs as Clarke rests her back against the headboard of the bed, the hotel television on in front of them, though they both have the volume too low to actually make out what anyone on the screen may be saying.

“I didn’t actually.” Clarke replies after a silent moment, and Lexa knows she’s focused, very focused on her hair. She can’t see the scrunch of her nose but she can picture it as her hands work. Instead she just keeps her eyes closed and enjoys the feeling of Clarke’s fingers.

“Doesn’t really matter does it, we’re kind of getting pampered.” Lexa mumbles as she keeps her eyes closed, convincing herself to not make any noise that threatens to come out with each comb of Clarke’s fingers. It’s hard as it feels so nice and part of her can’t stop thinking about what they could be doing besides this, what they could be finishing that they both also haven’t talked about.

“That’s because we’re famous, not because they think we’re a couple.” Clarke giggles in her ear and the action is so cute, warming Lexa’s chest and making her heart burst with a sudden overwhelming feeling of affection. She isn’t sure if being in love causes it or if it’s just because it’s Clarke. Perhaps it’s both.

“We are famous aren’t we?” Lexa giggles and she is rewarded with a responding chuckle from the girl behind her. She wants to lean back and feel the chuckle travel through her own body but she resists the urge, letting her eyes open to follow the movement of the cartoon characters on the screen in front of her.

She has no idea what’s actually going on in the show.

“I was thinking,” Clarke sighs a little and Lexa’s body shivers as she feels the puff of air touch the skin on the back of her neck. “everyone already thinks we’re dating anyways.”

“Do they?” Lexa turns slightly with a corked up brow to find Clarke’s pretty eyes and she can’t help but smile slightly at the soft amusement in them.

“Don’t act like you don’t know that.” The blonde rolls her eyes playfully, her hands holding Lexa’s hair as she keeps her gaze for as long as Lexa will seem to let her. Clarke has been acting different with her since her birthday. Of course, Lexa isn’t far off of why, but she still can’t assume things. Clarke’s kisses to her mouth have returned, her cuddliness and flirtatious behavior are prominent again. It’s almost like they never stopped “practicing” and Lexa can only think how she should have made a move like that on Clarke a long time ago if this was how it was going to be rewarded.

Lexa shrugs and turns back around to watch the television. “I’m aware of the rumors; I just never much paid attention. Is it bad?” She asks gently, truthful about where her attention lies. She doesn’t focus on that stuff; she hasn’t for a long time. People like to talk, it comes with the job, but she supposes Clarke has a bit more to worry about when it comes to that aspect of things than Lexa does. Lexa doesn’t care what people think, Clarke kind of has too.

“Not sure if bad is the right word, but if you tried to pick a girl up at a club or something she’d probably turn you down and ask where your girlfriend is.” Clarke giggles again and the sound is heavenly.

“Girlfriend.” Lexa feels her heart nearly burst out of her chest as the word leaves her lips. Clarke Griffin, her girlfriend? Yeah, she could get used to the sound of that. It’s rather suiting and so nice; she has to pull herself out of her own head before she gets lost in the fantasy.

“I know we don’t really talk about… this stuff usually but maybe we could.” Clarke huffs as if she’s in a struggle that slightly pisses her off and Lexa can’t help but find the action utterly adorable. She stays staring at the television. “maybe we could see, I mean not quite publicly I think we should, I’m getting ahead of myself.”

“ _Clarke_ ,” Lexa clicks the “k” in the blonde’s name as she turns around to look at her, knowing by now the effect that, that action seems to have on the blonde and sure enough, those pretty blue eyes are darkening in that desirable way, and Lexa’s body hums at the thought of distracting Clarke from all her worries and finishing something they started back at her apartment a few nights before, something they both haven’t yet talked about because when do they ever talk about anything? “Take a breath and ask me again,” She teases lightly, though Clarke follows her instructions.

She takes in a deep breath and releases it slowly, though she seems to stop breathing all together as Lexa begins to close all the distance between them. “We have to be careful, but I would like to be more than just friends if you would like to as well, if that’s okay?” And it’s so cute, so incredibly adorable the way she asks her, with her eyes so big and vulnerable like Lexa would ever, ever, ever say no to that.

Her hands are on the girl’s thighs and pulling her forward, against her, before she can stop herself. Clarke is not breathing as Lexa’s lips hover over her own. “You asking me to be your girlfriend?”

“Sort of, if you’re okay with keeping that out of the public eye for a while at least… while I figure things out with my mom. If you’re not comfortable with that though that’s okay and I understand and don’t think you have to say yes just because,”

“Clarke,” Lexa cups Clarke’s face between her hands. “Baby, I would love to be your girlfriend.” She admits truthfully, watching as the worry in the blues before her dissipates and is replaced by something else, something much brighter and more hopeful. She is so pretty and Lexa’s heart has been hers for so long. How could she say no?

“Yeah?” Clarke asks still a bit unsure, her voice heavier than before, lower in that way that makes Lexa’s body hum and her mind think things she tries to not think about.

“Yes, if that’s what you want.” The brunette offers with a gentle smile and runs her thumbs along Clarke’s cheekbones.

“What do you want?”

“ _You_.” And she doesn’t mean for her voice to be so low when she says it but she does, and she kisses Clarke slowly, very, very slowly until the blonde is shaking slightly against her.

“Just let me figure it out, so I can see my brother and keep you and,”

“Clarke, listen to me. Even if we can’t be together in that way, as long as you’re in my life I’m going to be happy.” She brushes her thumb along Clarke’s cheeks again and the blonde melts to her touch. “I’ll never make you choose between me and your family.” She pecks Clarke lips. “I’ll always be by your side whether that’s as your girlfriend or just as your friend.” She tells her honestly and she can see the appreciation on Clarke’s face to all her words. She doesn’t understand at first why Clarke would ever think Lexa would want her to choose, but it doesn’t take her long to catch up, as her all her mother has been doing to her for the last six years is making her choose.

“I’d really like you to be my girlfriend.” Clarke mumbles with her lips against Lexa’s and the brunette melts to the sound of that.

“Well we’ve got a whole weekend to test it out, don’t we?” She says it as if to ease the pressure of something they’re both unsure about. Lexa knows what she wants, but she always knows how complicated things are with Clarke’s family and she knows a step like this, not taken right can cause a lot of problems. So she wants to be careful and build them up in the best way that she can.

“And if you hate it?” Clarke asks gently.

“How could I hate being your girlfriend?” Lexa looks bewildered at even the possibility, like Clarke has absolutely lost her mind because she must have to ask a question like that. Lexa is so in love with her and Clarke must be able to tell by now, it’s not like she’s ever been good at hiding her feelings from her.

It makes the blonde laugh. “I’m serious, if you don’t want to do this, if… I can’t be everything that you might need, but I’ve got, I can give you everything I have and hope that’s enough and if it’s not you just tell me that, just tell me and I’ll figure it out, I promise I’ll figure this out,”

“Clarke, baby,” She kisses her mouth again and trails them along her cheeks, the blonde girl’s smile fighting its way onto her lips with each press of Lexa’s kisses against her skin. “You are enough, and dating you out of the public eye isn’t an insult, getting the chance to date you at all is a blessing.” She mumbles quietly as if it’s a secret and catches Clarke’s eyes watering up slightly.

“Shush, why are you so perfect?” Clarke’s smile is infectious and Lexa has an answering one crossing along her lips before she can even think about fighting it.

“Me?” Lexa giggles slightly and Clarke can’t fight the smile on her face either.

“So… _girlfriend_ ,” And Clarke says the word like she’s testing it out, though the smile on her face is infectious and has Lexa’s own plump lips turning up even wider with every passing second. “I’m tired and we have a long day tomorrow, can we sleep?”

“I think you’ve just decided to use me for sleep.” Lexa teases and watches the playful roll of Clarke’s eyes. Lexa’s heart feels so full in this moment, fuller than it has in a long, long time and she can only think how amazing that is, for Clarke to ask her one thing and suddenly her entire perspective is a lot more positive, and her heart feels so much bigger.

Clarke as her girlfriend… _wow_.

“Says you who unlocks my door at two in the morning and crawls into my bed.”

“You offered first.” Lexa teases and smiles widely as Clarke also grins at her.

Lexa is sure that there isn’t moment in her life that could surpass this moment right now.

 

***

 

“Clarke,” She could feel her lips against the side of her jaw but it didn’t make her want to open her eyes. In fact, she preferred to keep them shut, only if it would keep Lexa here, against her and kissing her just like that.

“Mmm,” She lets her fingertips tighten around her arm that lays securely around her, holding her against her almost protectively, almost as if she fears all of this is only a dream, and to Clarke… it kind of feels like that.

“Wake up; we’ve got things to do.” Her voice is smooth in her ear, quiet, almost a whisper. It makes her shiver, it makes her stomach twist and turn the same way it always does around her. Her body’s reaction she is used to now, and she smiles thinking about not having to hide it.

“Can’t we just stay here.” Clarke grumbles tiredly as she twists in her arms so when she opens her eyes she can see her favorite green ones staring back at her.

They are alit with something beautiful, a fire in them that Clarke has never seen before. She looks so beautiful like this and Clarke isn’t sure her heart can take it. “As much as I’d love to stay here.” Lexa giggles slightly as she rolls over, pinning Clarke below her until the air leaves her lungs. “We have fun things to do today, remember.” She says before pressing a brief kiss against Clarke’s lips. But it’s very brief so she can split off and run her lips across Clarke’s jawline, tongue peeking out just enough to touch her skin and make Clarke’s body respond immediately.

The touch of her tongue starting a fire that can’t be extinguished. Her hands are in the brunette’s hair before she can stop herself and she’s tipping her head to the side so Lexa can reach more skin. She can feel the smile against her as Clarke does all these things. “Time to get up.” Lexa says against her skin again and lets her kisses trail down the rest of Clarke’s jawline and across delicate piece of her neck, hovering over her pulse point and swirling her tongue slightly as Clarke releases a gentle moan.

“Not helping at convincing me to leave.” Clarke grumbles as Lexa’s kisses on her skin continue, traveling down toward her collarbone.

“We could stay in.” Lexa mumbles against her skin after a moment, grinning slightly as she stops and looks up at hazy blue eyes.

“No, no.” Clarke sighs and begrudgingly pushes Lexa off of her. “We can continue this when we get back.”

Lexa pouts but doesn’t protest as Clarke pulls herself from the bed and the blonde can feel her eyes watching her, following her movements. “You are beautiful,” Lexa tells her and she feels a smile split open on her face as she turns around to meet her eyes that are still slowly traveling back up her body, until they meet her eyes again.

“Come here,” Clarke nearly whispers as a soft smile attach to Lexa’s mouth. She climbs across the mattress until she’s in front of Clarke and lets her hands rest at Clarke’s waist as the blonde tangles her own hands back into her hair. “Kiss me,” She mumbles softly hovering over her mouth and Lexa’s breath catches in her throat as she pushes forward.

She kisses her like this is there last kiss and it is everything for Clarke. A reason to stay in this room and never leave it as her hands tighten in the girl’s hair and she opens her mouth for her, humming slightly as she feels Lexa’s tongue slide with her own. She giggles as Lexa throws her back on the bed and she knows they won’t be leaving the room for at least a few more hours.

 

 

“I’m not sure if being able to cut the line is as good of a thing as I originally thought it was.” Clarke grumbles as she rests her head on Lexa’s shoulder and the brunette chuckles at her, keeping her arm around her and kissing her head gently as people walk past them, excited to get to the next ride.

She’s been on too many and her stomach feels like it might explode. “Let’s take a break, go in that boat tour thing they have that goes around the park, and get something to eat.” Lexa’s voice is gentle as she holds Clarke close. She sounds happy, amused and Clarke is addicted to her tone, maybe she’s just addicted to her.

“Ugh, eating,”

“You should eat, you’ll feel better.” Lexa chuckles more as Clarke clings to her and buries her face into her neck. The brunette can only smile wider as she brushes back the blonde strands of hair from Clarke’s face and tries to manage to look at her from her position.

“Okay,” Clarke takes in a deep breathe. “Let’s go.” She pulls herself from Lexa and tugs at the girl’s hand, pulling her up as well, tangling their fingers together. Lexa’s smile grows wider as she squeezes the girl’s palm and Clarke chuckles at her as Lexa tugs her toward one of the food places.

“Did I ever tell you,” Lexa mumbles tugging Clarke closer so she can whisper in her ear. “How absolutely beautiful you are?” Clarke thinks it’s silly that her heart stops the way that it does, but at the same time, she can’t imagine it doing anything else.

“You did,” She pulls Lexa to a stop and then she kisses her, deep and hard and probably not in the most appropriate way in the middle of an amusement park. “I’m feeling much better,” She winks at her and tugs on her hand again to pull her toward the food place and Lexa can’t help the laugh that escapes her.

It’s the most beautiful sound Clarke thinks she’ll ever hear.

 

 

“Come on!” Lexa’s tugging her across the park, as she’s been doing all day, but she can’t find it in herself to complain. She’s never seen Lexa so happy, so she knows she must be doing something right. They skip the line as they’ve been doing all day and they get the same dirty looks they get every time.

Clarke doesn’t care, she can afford to skip the line she’s going to skip the line, especially for Lexa. They’ve been on this ride what feels like thirty times though, since it seems to be Lexa’s favorite, and she’s trying to hide how much she’s getting sick of it. It’s worth it every time she sees Lexa smile at her like that.

They’re buckled in eventually and Clarke reaches for Lexa’s hand again because no matter how many times they ride this one, she’s sure that this time will be the time they die. Lexa giggles at her and takes her hand anyway, tangling their fingers together and squeezing her palm for comfort.

“Wait,” Clarke mumbles and leans over in the seat. “Courage kiss,” Lexa giggles and cups her face with her other hand, kissing her gently, making Clarke forget her surroundings a moment, smiling as Lexa pulls away from her.

“I’ll always protect you.” She tells her sweetly and kisses her briefly again before she readjusts in her seat, still holding her hand.

“Oh I’m lucky.” She sighs in that love-struck way she’s been sighing all day, squeezing Lexa’s hand and feeling her smile as if it’s glued there, and how could it not be when Lexa is hers and she is Lexa’s?

 

 

Lexa giggles and screams on each ride. She loves them, Clarke on the other hand, had not prepared for how little she would like them. She perhaps liked some of them, but by the end of the day she was reaching a point that she knew she wouldn’t be able to get on anymore. She kept trying though, because the smile on Lexa’s face is the absolute perfect reason to fight it.

“Baby you’re pale.” Lexa says with worry in her tone as she cups her face, tugging at the hair tie in her hair and pulling it out so the blonde strands of her hair fall down around her face.

Clarke smiles at her, because she is content and happy, despite being sure she won’t survive one more ride. “I’m okay,” She mumbles. “Where to next?” She tries to sound excited but she knows her voice falls short as Lexa shakes her head.

“The hotel, come on,” She tugs Clarke close to her, plants a gentle kiss on her lips and then takes her hand in her own to guide her threw the amusement park.

Clarke tugs her back, and kisses her again, smiling through it as Lexa deepens it.

“Back to the hotel,” Lexa says a little breathlessly as she pulls away from her again, grinning widely as Clarke does as well, tightening her hand around Lexa’s.

They walk in comfortable silence, listening to the rides and shouts of the many visitors. Clarke feels like her heart has never been so full as it is in this moment and she goes to tell Lexa that too, her hand tightening to get her attention but as Lexa turns toward her they’re interrupted by a few girl’s giggling excitedly at seeing them, asking for their autographs and pictures and Lexa is all too excited to oblige.

Clarke smiles after her, unable to pay much attention to the girls interrupting them, Lexa’s smile is beautiful and wide and so full. She is lovely and all hers and there’s not a moment that goes by that she doesn’t realize how fucking in love she really is. She’s not giving this up. She doesn’t care what she has to fight. She will go to war for this beautiful girl that still holds her hand as she signs autographs.

The two girls ask them if they’re dating. They don’t answer as they snap a few selfies with them. They talk incessantly but Clarke doesn’t care. They giggle excitedly when Lexa kisses Clarke’s cheek gently; they ask again, Lexa and Clarke skirt the question. It’s Lexa who tells them they have to go, and they are finally released, the pair giggling more as Lexa leans over to whisper in Clarke’s ear a joke about the girl’s shoes and Clarke laughs, glancing behind them to look at the girls that are still animated and excited about having seen them.

She doesn’t realize how tired she is until they finally enter the lobby of their hotel and its quiet, her muscles hurt and her voice is scratcher than she had realized when she says Lexa’s name again. The girl is grinning at her softly, tracing her cheek with her fingertips before she doesn’t say anything else and picks Clarke up in her arms heading for the elevator. In a way it feels like déjà vu, but Clarke doesn’t protest.

She rests her head on Lexa’s shoulder and lets her eyes close smiling as she feels Lexa’s lips press to her forehead and a soft “I got you,” leave her lips. They get to their room a few minutes later and Lexa places Clarke on the bed gently, kissing her lips briefly before pulling her shoes off and unbuttoning her jeans.

Clarke sighs as she feels Lexa’s fingers scrape her lower stomach and lifts her hips as the girl pulls her jeans down and off her body, tossing them over her shoulder. She presses another kiss to Clarke’s lips before she rounds the bed and does the same thing for herself, peeling off her bra as well and climbing under the covers.

Clarke removes her own bra and unrolls the sleeves of her shirt, sliding under the covers as well and tangling her body around Lexa’s to fall into a restful sleep. “I love being your girlfriend,” She tells her as the quiet surfaces between them and lets Lexa tilt her head up once so she can kiss her again, gently.

They both fall asleep moments later, finally comfortable and happy in each other’s arms.

 

***

 

“I hate this job,” Clarke shoves a pile of papers on the table next to them onto the floor as the door behind them clicks closed. She’s angry and she can’t hide it because why is life doing this? Why does everything have to be so hard? Lexa’s eyes are on her but the blonde can’t focus on what kind of stare she’s receiving, she just keeps seeing the magazine, hearing the words of the article spewed out of the mouths of the producers, keeps imaging the future phone calls in which ban her from her brother. Her job on the line because of a dumb article, because Clarke is in love with Lexa and had the guts for once in her life to actually take something she wants without being controlled and life as the audacity to spit in her face for it?

Maybe falling in love really is selfish, and being happy is even more so.

“Clarke, it’s just a lecture, but I know the magazine is…” The brunette looks sad, sadder than Clarke has ever seen her before and the blonde wants to find a way to comfort her even through her anger, to protect her from any pain that anyone can cause her, the producers, the magazines, the paparazzi, even Clarke herself.

“Lexa, I’m sorry.” She reaches for the brunette but Lexa brushes off her touch for a moment before she seems to decide against whatever is in her head and then she grabs Clarke’s waist. Clarke can’t read her mind but she doesn’t like the look on her face.

“I wish we could be together right now. And the rest of the world could just fuck itself.” Lexa’s hands tighten around Clarke’s waist like she fears letting go and the blonde can’t say that she would find that fear ridiculous as she herself fears what being released will mean.

“It’s going to be okay, I’ll figure it out.” She tells her gently, trying her hardest to be reasonable, to reassure her. Clarke wants to be with her, she wants that more than she wants this stupid job. If they decide to fire her because she’s in love than they do, it’s whatever, she’ll figure it out, she’ll get other parts, she’s already got a movie lined up that she starts shooting in January. She doesn’t need this show, no matter how much she likes it, no matter how nice it is to work with Lexa so closely.

Her mother is a bit of a different story, she’s not giving up her brother. She’ll just have to figure it out. Come up with a really good excuse of some kind. And they’ll have to be more careful. That weekend they got carried away, it was a getaway; Clarke isn’t used to being followed by camera’s wherever she goes. Lexa is worth it nonetheless, she’ll figure it out. “You don’t have to do everything alone.”

“You deserve to be happy Lexa, this life, what this is, isn’t going to make you happy.” Clarke looks sad as she says it. “But I promise I’ll try.”

“You make me happy.” Lexa’s grip loosens slightly. “But we shouldn’t do this, not right now. You were right about your mom and with everyone else breathing down our necks. It’s too much Clarke and I don’t want to lose you because of it.” And the statement makes Clarke’s heart fall into the pit of her stomach. She hopes it doesn’t show on her face, she doesn’t want Lexa to feel bad for making this decision, a decision that makes complete sense.

It really is too much. Lexa loves her job too, she loves this project and this show, and Clarke loves her. She doesn’t want to lose her either because they’ve started a relationship too early or at a time that it can’t be started… Maybe they can never start one, maybe they aren’t meant to be together, despite how it feels in Clarke’s heart.

Even though she understands, even though she should be thinking the same way, she still wishes Lexa wanted to do this anyway. She still wishes they could be together despite everything. She still wishes that Lexa wanted to struggle with her rather than just as her friend. She won’t say that, and maybe the wish is selfish, but it’s there nonetheless. “You’re not going to lose me.” She promises and watches as Lexa’s pretty green eyes seem to lose that twinkle that had been there for days.

She’s already missing it. “Friends first,” Lexa breathes but _friends_ feels wrong and Clarke wants to tell her that, wants to tell her that the rest of the world really can fuck itself, that she loves her. She wants to be with her so bad, but why does it feel suddenly impossible?

Clarke never thought she’d hate that word as much as she does right now. “The producers don’t own us you know. Just because they say we shouldn’t be together doesn’t mean we can’t be.” She tries without trying to sound pushy, she’s urging because her heart is aching and she wants this so badly, she loves her, she wants nothing more than to be with her. She doesn’t care what the producers want. She doesn’t care anymore.

“I know that.”

“Is this what you want? To stay friends?” Clarke asks genuinely, watching as Lexa looks down and avoids her eye line yet again.

“I think its best, while things are like this, you need a friend. You need me as a friend more than you need me as a girlfriend.” And Lexa offers her one of those sad little smiles that she normally gives after she’s overheard a phone call Clarke has had with her mother.

Clarke smiles sadly as well and nods once, accepting Lexa’s words despite the ache it causes deep in her heart, it feels as if it’s losing something important, even if she’s never quite had that something important, it still feels this way. It makes her want to cry and at the same time makes her wants to scream. “Promise you’re at least not going anywhere?” She wants to tell Lexa she needs her has a girlfriend as much as she needs her friendship, that Lexa makes her so happy and she is willing to be with her no matter how hard it’s going to be. That it can’t be hard forever.

Again, she doesn’t say any of that.

“Clarke, you’re my best friend, where am I going to go that doesn’t have you in it?” She gives her one of those beautiful sad smiles and Clarke can feel her eyes start to water, though she tells herself to not be a fool, to be strong, to accept what Lexa wants and to put aside her own desires. If this is what Lexa wants, she needs to understand that. Lexa would do the same for her, has done the same for her in the past. It’s her turn now, to listen.

“Maybe someday we won’t have to worry about moms and producers and camera’s invading our privacy?” She offers hopefully and Lexa gives her another sweet sad smile. Clarke wants to kiss her until that smile isn’t sad anymore, until they both forget about obstacles and can just think about each other, can just feel like they have been so good at before.

“I think we’ll always have to worry about it, and we’ll work it out. For now this is… this is best.” Lexa swallows like she regrets every word and Clarke wants to deny it, wants to tell her it’s not, wants to tell her that whatever they have is inevitable, that staying friend is easy, but staying platonic is impossible, that not kissing her for long periods of time makes her body ache for reasons that can’t be explained, that she loves her, she loves her so much and will fight for this, will fight to be with her no matter how hard or how many difficulties they have to face.

But she doesn’t say that.

She never seems to be able to say what she wants to say.

And instead she gets to watch Lexa walk away from her, not as her girlfriend, but just as her friend, yet again, and it sucks. It hurts, it hurts so much that once she’s finally gone Clarke feels the tears leave her eyes before she can stop them and she wants to scream at something, at someone. She wants to march right back into the room behind her and yell at everyone, she wants to call her mom and tell her she’s worthless too, like Abby always seems to do to her.

She wants and wants and wants but she never acts. Instead she just goes home and she lies in her bed and she cries and she really misses her dad and doesn’t pick up her phone when it rings. Perhaps she should just get rid of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [You can find an extra scene for Clarke and Lexa's getaway by clicking here.](https://www.patreon.com/posts/getaway-scene-i-11618961)


	9. don't you give this up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so SO sorry for the late update, but besides that this is a fucking monster. This chapter is the longest one I've written yet and the last two scenes I've had in my head from the very beginning. They inspired this whole thing so I'm really excited about it. It's angsty but things are only going up from here. Well, until they go down again, but it's up, up, up for a little while after this and I'm excited. So I hope you lovelies enjoy this chapter. :)
> 
> Also, if you want to read the getaway scene so many of you requested for last chapter [that's here,](https://www.patreon.com/posts/getaway-scene-i-11618961) I'll probably add some more to it a little later on.

##  _Fall, 2015_

Clarke has been avoiding her calls. She told herself she wouldn’t. She told herself that this would be fine and that it shouldn’t hurt so much but it still did. It still hurts, and no matter how hard Clarke tries to pretend that it doesn’t, she can’t escape the feelings. They weigh on her day to day thoughts, making each action feel like she had to power run through it. She spent a lot of time alone and she knew her friends were starting to notice.

Lexa just wanted everything to be okay, she knew that. She knows how Lexa’s mind works by this point, when she says she doesn’t want to lose her, she means it. Clarke knows that. But it aches when she sees her and it aches when she hears her. It aches every time she looks at her phone and it’s her name she finds and she knows it’s selfish of her to skirt the girl’s calls without explanation, or at least a request for space, but she’s doing it anyway.

Looking at those green eyes and telling her she needs the space just seems impossible. Looking at them and telling her she needs space instead of begging for the opposite seems like it won’t happen, Clarke fears that she’ll release too much emotion in front of her and the last thing she needs to do is make Lexa feel guilty about her decision.

Lexa’s not wrong to be afraid of this… whatever this is. If she even feels half of what Clarke feels that is. She’s not wrong to be afraid, to be scared of what this life can do to something like this. Clarke’s afraid, she’s been afraid of it from the moment she met her in that little coffee shop that they’ve never once returned too since that day.

She wishes it didn’t hurt so much to not be with her. She isn’t sure if it’s hurting her more to ignore her calls or not, she just isn’t sure. She figures that she aches the same no matter what. To love someone the way that she loves Lexa, and to know that you can’t be with that person, it’s bound to make you hurt. Perhaps she should have prepared for it, perhaps she has tried, but she doesn’t think that she could have ever succeeded.

She never expected that love like this could ever exist. Fairytales don’t prepare you for it; they’ve got it all wrong. Novels and movies and love songs… they feel all wrong. They don’t prepare you for it the way that Clarke thinks they should have prepared her. Even tasting it for the first time when you’re with someone else, someone else that makes your heart beat a little weird and makes you smile even when there isn’t much of a reason too. Even that first taste of what this is doesn’t prepare you for it. Doesn’t prepare you for how all-consuming it is.

Clarke isn’t sure she’ll survive it.

The clock ticks past midnight and she tells herself she needs to sleep. She has to be up early. Her job, her career that she’s worked hard for, that she has always loved is calling for her attention before sunrise. She has to be up and ready, she has to work with Lexa even though it hurts to think about seeing her, to think about talking to her, to think about answering her questions when she inevitably asks why Clarke hasn’t been picking up. She has to prepare for it but again, she doesn’t even think that’s possible.

She can’t sleep; it’s not a surprise by this point, sleeping without Lexa is already hard enough. Sleeping with a broken heart and without Lexa… it’s unachievable. She should just give up, as she’s done many nights before. Tossing and turning in her sheets isn’t something that’s going to help her think about her problems – think about Lexa – any less. But she’s determined to at least get a few hours. She needs it. She needs it if she’s going to remain strong in front of her, in front of everyone.

She can’t be strong if she’s exhausted.

She flips over and her eyes glue to the device that is silent at the moment. It sits on her nightstand, dark and undisturbed and Clarke wonders briefly when it will begin to ring again. She wonders whose name she’ll find. It has been Lexa’s over and over again for a week but Clarke doesn’t answer. Last night, Lexa stopped. She didn’t call all day, and Clarke wishes she’d feel some relief by that.

She doesn’t. It just hurts more.

Clarke wants to call her now and hear her voice. The “hum” she does when Clarke needs sleep but can’t, when Clarke needs comfort or at least needs to stop shaking and Lexa just knows what to do, knows how to calm her, better than Raven ever can, ever could. It’s scary because Clarke could use that now. The smooth familiar melody of whatever song she decides to hum in her ear why she falls asleep would have her out in an instant. She knows it; she knows how weak it makes her.

Clarke wants and wants and wants but she does nothing. She instead turns on her other side, facing a wall of paintings and drawings and lets her hand travel to the necklace around her neck, touching the curves of the tree without actually looking at it. Her hand closes around it, tightens, as the familiar feeling of pain surfaces and explodes in her chest. Why does it hurt this much? She doesn’t understand.

_Why does it hurt this much?_

She squeezes her eyes shut to try and rid the tears that blur her vision, to try and press them away because she shouldn’t be this weak or this sad. She shouldn’t be like this, she shouldn’t be such a mess over something that she’s already known she couldn’t have from the moment she wanted it. This is her fault. It’s her fault for wanting her; it’s her fault that she feels like this.

Why doesn’t Lexa want her too?

It hurts too much to try and ponder all of the reasons that Lexa doesn’t think she’s worth fighting for. All of the reasons that probably have already been through Clarke’s head over and over, every single day until the moment she succumbed to her feelings and asked to be with her.

She isn’t good enough, but why can’t she be?

 

***

 

“Clarke and Lexa this, Clarke and Lexa that, Jesus Christ you two are all over social media. Do you know how many of your fans have implemented themselves into my mentions on instagram, twitter; I’m even getting snaps about it.”

“Shut up Anya.” Lexa’s jaw tightens as she tries to ignore the ugly lump rising in her throat. _Clarke, Clarke, Clarke_. The name seems to haunt her wherever she goes. Someone asks about her, she sees it on a magazine, she hears it over a radio interview in Anya’s car. She hears it in her dreams when she actually sleeps and she wakes up saying it like it’s some kind of prayer, like if she says the name enough Clarke will just appear to her and she can hold her and kiss her and forget all of her fears of losing her and all of her worries of not being able to protect her from everyone else.

It feels like all she does now is hurt her, even when Lexa just thinks about her, she feels like it’s hurting her. Lexa can’t protect her from anything even though she keeps trying and now she’s supposed to protect her from herself and not even that is working.

If Anya says her name one more time, Lexa thinks she might cry and she hates crying. “You two were not discreet, I thought you’d tell me at least and I wouldn’t have to find out from the internet.”

“Anya,”

“I realize Clarke’s complicated but I’m your best friend,”

“Please stop, please.” Lexa’s hands are on her ears, pressing into her skull like that will help her disappear, will help her escape the onslaught of Anya’s words with each passing moment.

She keeps seeing her eyes every time Anya says her name, keeps seeing them as Lexa tells her they shouldn’t do this… whatever it is that they keep trying to do, that they shouldn’t. It hurts so much to see them like that, and she put the pain there. She put the pain in those pretty eyes when all she’s ever wanted is to keep the pain out of them and she can’t even explain herself properly, explain why she’s so scared of it, of all of it.

Clarke can’t be happy with her if all she has to do all the time is avoid their life. Lexa wants her happy but she doesn’t even know how to do it anymore. Being with her, like that at the amusement park, she was happy… Lexa was happy, but look what it got them. A lecture from Kane (something Lexa was already prepared for, their past called for it), probably a call from Clarke’s mother and Lexa isn’t there to comfort her after it.

It’s so much trouble, and even though Clarke is worth it, Lexa can’t imagine that she deserves it. Things shouldn’t be so hard for Clarke all the time and all being with Lexa will do is make them hard… and Lexa is so scared.

“Lexa,” The brunette blinks a moment as her hand is tugged away from her ear and she hadn’t realized how tightly she had been pressing in until the sound adjustment from only her rushing blood to the noises on the outside make her ears pop. “Lexa what’s wrong?” Anya looks concerned, the same way she always gets when it comes to her and Lexa is grateful every single time because Anya cares about her. Anya is her family and she always feels that so much more every single time Anya gives her that look.

“I just don’t feel good.” She sighs a bit heavily and it’s not a total lie. Anya’s hand to her head is hint enough that she will at least believe her. She’s a bit warmer than she’d normally be. She’s aching in more places than just her heart but she chooses to ignore it, she chooses to try and overcome it because she doesn’t really have the time to be sick and with Clarke not speaking to her, she’s got bigger problems than her own health.

“You’re not going into work like this.” Anya is brushing back strands of her hair to pull it out of her face. “You’re warm, way too warm for my liking.” Anya’s tone is motherly and stern, the way that Lexa has grown so very used to over the many years of knowing each other.

“I’m okay.” Lexa assures her because the pain of illness is not worse than the pain in her heart, because it will pass and she will be fine, physically healthy in only a few days. Flus pass her faster than most people; she’s a healthy person on average. Illness is not something that cripples her; it’s not something that gets in her way.

She hasn’t spoken to Clarke in two weeks, that’s something that does get in her way. She didn’t want to ruin it, but it sure feels like she did just that.

“Of course you are, but I’m not okay with how warm you are and Kane wouldn’t be either. I’m calling him to let him know you’re taking a few days.” The older girl informs bluntly, reaching for her cellphone on the coffee table in front of them as Lexa adjusts against the pillows surrounding her on the couch. She had been spending a few nights on Anya’s couch, not wanting to be alone and because Anya has been worried about her sleeping patterns.

She hasn’t left yet because she finds that she actually sleeps better here than she does in her own bed, even if it’s not by much. “Its fine Anya, I’m not dying.”

“Fuck you, never speak about dying to me ever again.” Anya scolds her and she can’t stop the automatic eye roll at her friend’s dramatic tone.

“I said I’m not,” She informs her like she hadn’t been listening to her which only earns her that glare Anya is always giving her when she doesn’t appreciate her sass.

“I don’t care,” Anya adjusts and feels her head again. “What hurts?” Her voice is softer when she asks and Lexa can’t help but think that she is lucky Anya cares for her so much. She knows she’d have nobody else to go to when she doesn’t feel well without her, that she’d have no couch to sleep on when her bed is useless, that she’d have no one there to take care of her like this when she needs it without her. Anya is her family, and it’s moments like this that prove it the most.

 _Everything_.  Lexa reframes from saying it out loud because though it’s true, it’s not all related to the illness that threatens her. “Just my head, I just need some sleep.” She tells her softly, as delicately and confidently as she can with a slightly scratch throat and sinuses that are becoming stuffed up.

Anya only seems to scoff at her. “So you can scream through the night like you did last night?” She asks unhelpfully, that concerned look only growing in her eyes and she knows why it’s there. She wishes sometimes that Anya wouldn’t worry about her so much, she’s sure that she’s already lost years off her normal life span just from worrying about her, even when she doesn’t need to.

She goes through these spurts of sleeplessness, and though she knows that this time it is closely related to her deteriorating relationship with Clarke, she does also know that it will pass. It has to pass, it always has before. “I don’t scream.” She mumbles with her arms crossing in front of her chest as if she finds great offense in that statement.

“It was close enough, Lexa you’re not sleeping well and I’ve seen this before. You promised if this ever happened again that you would,”

“I know, but I promise it’s not that bad. I’m okay. Really, it’s just been a bad few weeks.” Lexa assures her with the bravest look she can muster. She does not like doctors; she doesn’t like the idea of having to take medication all the time. She doesn’t like patterns that she hasn’t made herself and she doesn’t like being forced into new ones.

Anya knows all of this and seems to sigh rather heavily in defeat. “At least take some medicine? Let me take care of you, surely you can miss a day of shooting?” She asks her but it’s not completely a question, not completely. She knows Anya will take care of her even if she were to tell her not too. It’s in Anya’s nature by this point to take care of her and Lexa is actually grateful for it. She doesn’t really want to be alone right now and Anya is providing her with company that she very much needs.

“Okay,” Lexa gives her a soft half smile, knowing that giving in will soothe the girl’s worries. “Can you make soup?” She asks because giving Anya a task to help her will also help soothe her worries. That and she really does love Anya’s soup. She always makes it for her without complaint if she’s sick and she makes the best kind.

“You’re hungry?” Anya touches her head again, like her temperature can skyrocket in the two seconds since she last checked and huffs slightly unsatisfied by the result. She’s shooting up from the couch and moving toward the kitchen before Lexa can properly answer her.

“A bit and you always make the best soup when I’m sick.” She raises her voice a bit and feels a grin stretch across her face as Anya scoffs at her reply. She adjust on the couch until she’s lying down against the pillows and pulls the blanket over her, she’s feeling a bit cold anyway.

Her eyes grow heavy as she embraces the warmth under the blanket and curls against her pillows but she manages to stay awake. “Take medicine first.” Anya mumbles as she pops back in with some pills and a glass of water. Lexa doesn’t fight her and takes them willingly, smiling at her friend as the girl watches over her. She doesn’t leave Lexa until she asks for soup again and then she’s back in the kitchen and Lexa adjusts against her pillows again, lying down and letting her eyes close a moment.

She is tired, but she opens them again when she sees Clarke’s sad eyes in her head and doesn’t know how much longer she can bear to imagine them before she caves and begs Clarke for something that Lexa has already denied them both.

 

***

 

“Sick?” Clarke bites her lip because despite the pain at even the mere mention of her name, the worry is worse. _Sick_ , Lexa… sick, and she is not there to care for her. She doesn’t like that; she doesn’t like that at all.

Costia must see something panic in her eyes even though she works hard to try and hide her emotions from her, because she’s quick to comfort her. “Anya’s with her, she’s really not that bad Anya just worries a lot about her, like an overprotective mother really.” Costia tries to smile at her, but things have been a bit different since the magazine released and those photos leaked online. Clarke hasn’t even bothered touching her social media, she knows what she’ll find, and she knows what she has to deal with.

Media ruins everything, now that Clarke thinks about it. “She’s okay?” The blonde can feel her heart clench at the thought of any harm at all befalling the brunette girl and she has to force herself to hold onto the arm of the chair she sits in just so she won’t shoot up from her place and run to her even now, just to make sure, just to see that she’s alright.

She would do anything for her, she isn’t sure that’ll ever change.

She shouldn’t worry so much. Lexa is strong and probably doesn’t want to see her after Clarke’s been avoiding her… she shouldn’t see Lexa, she isn’t sure which hurts worse. Seeing her or not seeing her.

“Yeah, just the flu, Clarke…” Costia’s eyebrows knit and she’s got a question, one that Clarke is sure she knows the topic of but she hopes Costia will change her mind about asking it. She isn’t sure she can talk about anything pertaining to Lexa right now without breaking down into tears like the mess she’s been lately. Even as she thinks it she knows it’s ridiculous, she’s been ridiculous but it’s what she has to work with, it’s how she feels and she can’t change that.

Even though Raven never says so she knows the girl must be tired of soothing her. She always runs to her with her problems but she hasn’t with this one. She’s trying not to run to anyone with this one. She needs to figure it out and burdening people with her issues is the how to start that. She doesn’t want to talk about it but at the same time she does and that’s the hardest part.

“What?” She asks despite herself and the girl seems to think even deeper for another moment. Costia is very pretty, it’s something Clarke always notices whenever they’re just sitting down and it’s mostly quiet. She’s got warmth about her that makes her friendly and she’s gorgeous. She wonders briefly as she stares at her if maybe she’s the reason Lexa doesn’t want to be with her, but then she pushes the thought aside as ridiculous because Lexa would have been honest about that.

It takes Costia a few minutes to finally decide if she’s going to ask the question in her head or not. “Those pictures… are they what they seemed to be or was it just another case of someone trying to make a story out of you two because it pays well?” Her tone is a bit odd, off in a way that Clarke knows she should pay attention to. Her eyes aren’t as readable as the blonde wishes they were, but she fears the answer. Clarke can tell that much.

She shouldn’t answer honestly. That weekend had been one of the happiest of her life that weekend was not a shame, but she still shouldn’t tell Costia the truth. Not of all people, she shouldn’t… But Clarke is so weak and she misses Lexa and she hurts so much she isn’t sure she can take it anymore. How does she deny it and swallow the lump in her throat while doing it? She can’t. “They,” Clarke looks down because looking Costia in the eye while she confirms this just feels wrong. “They are what they seemed to be.” She nearly whispers it and her hands shake a bit as she brings them to the table to flip through the papers in front of her, to focus on her career, her job instead of her life, instead of the turmoil and pain that blazes in her chest.

“You are smarter than me Griffin,” And Costia’s voice has a touch of amusement in it, a touch of something friendly that turns the blonde’s gaze up. There’s a soft understanding smile on her face, one that makes Clarke want to cry even more, and she curses herself slightly when she feels the wetness on her cheeks and her vision blurring yet again before she can stop it.

_Why does it hurt so much?_

“She doesn’t,” Clarke hears her voice crack and she curses herself for being so weak, for looking like this in front of someone who has felt this way as well, with the same girl. How inconsiderate of her, to try and confide in this woman when she herself probably hurts just hearing it.

“Clarke,” And her voice doesn’t sound annoyed or hurt or whatever Clarke was expecting, instead it’s only filled with concern, a softness that Clarke feels like she doesn’t deserve. “What happened?” She’s scooting her chair to be closer, her hand touching Clarke’s to try and comfort her and the blonde is trying hard not to fall apart.

She’s failing, yet again.

“She doesn’t want me.” Clarke tells her because it’s easy too, because it hurts and she wants to talk about it but she has no one to talk about it with. She’s been avoiding her friends, Raven who will probably understand her, Raven will tell her all the right things like she always does but Raven has enough of her burdens… and now she is here, seemingly unable to keep her burdens from anyone, Costia touching her hand and begging her to speak.

“I don’t understand,” Costia’s voice sounds confused, of course it does. “I’ve never seen her want someone more than she wants you, those pictures looked like you two were,”

“Happy.” Clarke sniffed and whipped at her eyes furiously. She’s angrier at herself, more so than she expected she would be and stands up from her chair almost aggressively. “I’m sorry, I” She looks down at the confused expression on Costia’s face as she tries to understand and she feels bad for pulling her in, for breaking down and being weak in front of her.

She just needs to be alone.

“Clarke it’s okay, if you need to talk I’m,”

“No Costia its,” Clarke gathers her papers and sniffs again, whipping at her eyes some more as the rage carries on and seems to grow bigger. “I just need some time alone.” And she passes her, not looking back as she exits the room and practically runs for her trailer. Her break is over in ten minutes, she needs to get ahold of herself. She needs to get over it.

She knows she never will.

 

***

 

It gets worse… of course it does. It always gets worse before it gets better. That’s just the way things are, that’s what Lexa’s used to anyway, but this kind of worse is only irritating. She’s not sleeping well, she’s never sleeping well and that’s not helping. She’s getting worse because of it, because she gets no rest and Anya is concerned for her.

She tells her not to be, she tells her it’ll be okay and the illness will pass because that’s the truth, it will. But she thinks the pain of it will last long after it’s gone.

It’s around eight o’clock when she hears the banging on Anya’s door; it’s loud and disturbs her from the little sleep that she had been managing to get, though it wasn’t exactly peaceful anyway. Anya is gone because she’s working a particularly hard case and is spending a lot of late nights on it, though she had already taken some days off to care for Lexa. She only hadn’t taken more because Lexa had convinced her she was feeling better.

She wasn’t, in fact, she felt much worse, and pulling herself from the girl’s sofa was a task that took what felt like long minutes. She knows she must look awful and puffy and she shouldn’t answer the door, she should just wait for the person to leave, but if it was Costia she could use the babying, and she knows Costia will baby her.

So she grabs her blanket because it’s too cold to travel without it and stumbles her way across the area toward the door. The knocks are louder as she stands in front of it and it makes her head ache painfully more so. She is dizzy and aware that she needs more water but she’ll let Costia get that for her when she opens the door. She tugs at it and the entrance falls open but it is not Costia that she’s greeted with.

“Clarke,”

“You look awful.” Clarke’s tone is a bit clipped but there’s concern in it. Lexa has not seen her in so long but all of her features have not slipped from her mind. She is too tired and aches too much to pretend that she doesn’t love her as much as she does.

“Are you okay?” The space between them feels different… not a good different, a different that Lexa has been fearing from the moment they decided kissing was a good game to play.

Clarke laughs but there is no humor or amusement in it. It almost sounds bitter and Lexa thinks she might throw up. “You look like your about to pass out and you’re asking me if I’m okay?” The blonde rolls her eyes and grabs at her waist in the next moment, abruptly before Lexa was expecting it, pulling on her until Lexa is forced to lean her weight against her. “Lexa have you been to a doctor?” The blonde seems to ask as she feels how warm she is just by forcing her to lean on her for support.

Lexa is too tired to resist, too sick to provide Clarke with the space she has seemingly silently requested over these past weeks. “I’m fine.” She tells her in the same tone she gives Anya when she worries too much. She doesn’t need the doctor, it’s not that bad, just the flu, she’ll get over it. Why does everyone worry so much?

“Yeah, you look fine.” Clarke rolls her eyes again and slowly deposits Lexa on the couch, so gently that Lexa thinks she herself will break if Clarke were to drop her any less carefully. It’s wrong for her to be here, for her to treat her so gently and care for her when Lexa has done nothing but hurt her, when the blonde as done nothing but avoid her. How can she still care about her?

That’s a ridiculous question and if Lexa wasn’t feeling so tired and ill she would have dismissed the thought immediately the moment it had entered. Of course Clarke cares, it’s the fact that Clarke cares about her that has always been the problem, the fact that they care about each other. They both probably always will. “ _Clarke_ ,”

Another humorless laugh leaves her and Lexa nearly winces, obviously missing the joke. “Sick and still saying my name like that.” She says and Lexa just looks at her, confused for a moment as the blonde works through an array of emotions clearly playing out on her face.

“Like what,” She asks stupidly and watches each change of emotion in those pretty beautiful eyes that she loves so much. There is pain in them, the same kind of pain that she has caused before and Lexa feels nothing but sicker as she is able to recognize it. Lexa never wants to hurt her, but here she is, doing it now, even while she’s half asleep and ill.

“You’re so warm Lexa,” Clarke huffs as if she’s angry about it, her hands touching her forehead and the sides of her face, completely the opposite from her tone, soft and gentle and sweet. Lexa aches with each brush of her fingertips. “You should be taking care of yourself.” Clarke is scolding her and Lexa can do nothing but accept it.

She stares at her eyes, that same look there that she saw the last time before she left. That look she caused and she feels her throat close up and her eyes water before she can stop it. She can’t control her emotions and she can’t control her thoughts. She can’t control her touch that chases Clarke’s cheek and she can’t control the soft broken “I’m sorry” that leaves her lips.

Clarke’s stare changes after that. “Shh,” She says gently, her tone no longer harsh and her eyes full of something else… that something important that Lexa can never figure out but knows she has to at some point. It always makes her feel like she’s forgetting something. “Let’s get you better.” She mumbles gently and her eyes are watering too and Lexa wants to tell her everything. Wants to tell her how scared she is and that she changes her mind, that she wants to be selfish and be with her even though she knows it’s not what’s best for her.

She doesn’t say any of it, but she wants to more than anything.

Clarke scavenges through cupboards until she finds Anya’s medicine and she makes Lexa take some and doesn’t let her lay back down until she’s drunk a whole glass of water. After, she stays by her side and brushes back strands of brown hair from her forehead in such a soothing way that Lexa is about to fall asleep before she even realizes it.

Clarke lets out a huff a moment later before kicking her shoes off and adjusting Lexa so she can slip under the covers with her. She pulls the brunette girl against her and her hands are back in her hair, combing through stands as Lexa relaxes against her body. “You need sleep. Good sleep.” Clarke offers as her explanation a moment later and Lexa only tightens her hold on the blonde once she realizes that she is actually here, comforting her, even if she may not deserve it.

She falls asleep quickly after that, Clarke’s heart beat and gentle fingers in her hair enough to ease her toward unconsciousness. She only dreams about her too, and each time she seems to wake up in a fit of worry, Clarke is there to soothe her back to sleep with a kiss to her head and a hand still combing back the strands of her hair. “I’ve got you, I’m here.” Clarke will say and Lexa will hold her closer and fall back asleep quickly. Eventually she doesn’t wake up again, as if her conscious is soothed, as if it trusts that Clarke won’t leave her.

Clarke is gone the next time she wakes up.

 

***

 

Clarke should throw her phone away, cancel her contract with her provider and never touch the thing again. But she knows she can’t do that. Living in this society with no cellphone isn’t possible lately, even if right now she greatly did wish that she could throw it away. It’s the only contact she has with her brother before the holidays, throwing it away just isn’t wise.

That being said, she can’t talk to him if she keeps dodging her mother’s phone calls. So she picks it up on this day. She picks it up because she’s feeling a bit better, not by much but a bit. She can handle this conversation, she can. She knows it. No matter what her mother says, she will survive it. She is strong enough to survive it even though she feels as if she is not. Lexa would tell her she is if she was here, and she knows that thought shouldn’t comfort her but it does. She’s tired of pretending that not thinking about her could possibly be more helpful than thinking about her.

Lexa is her best friend before anything else.

She picks it up with a hard “hello,” as she stands in front of her trailer. She had never used to spend much time in her own trailer, always opting to hang out at Lexa’s when the time came for breaks and relaxing, but that was different now. Things with Lexa were different now. It aches too much to think about that however and she decides those thoughts about Lexa are not ones she’ll let surface. She needs the more uplifting ones right now.

“How long did you think you could avoid me Clarke? Is it because you know what you’ve done? How disappointing this is?” Her mother’s tone is the same as it always is, dissatisfied and venomous. Clarke has long since stopped flinching to it. She’s so used to her voice like this, addressing her in that manner, that she found no pain or surprise in it. This is the way things are now. She’s accepting it.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Clarke snaps, her nerves on an edge they never have been before, an edge that is steeper than any other, even after her dad died, she has never quite felt this angry. She isn’t sure it’s all for her mother, but she does know a good portion of it is. Her mother deserves it that much is absolute. “You’re acting crazy.” She tacks that on knowing just how much Abby hates to be called that.

“I’m acting crazy?” Her mother’s got that snarl to her tone and Clarke can only imagine the way her lips twist with its force. Clarke hates the look and she hates who her mother is and she hates that it’s taken her so long to finally give up on someone who is never coming back. “Did you think I wouldn’t notice Clarke? You flaunt your relationship all over the internet, our family; my friends can see this, your brother.”

“Stop acting like you give a damn about anything that I do.” Clarke tries to keep her voice low enough that she won’t attract attention from other people that may be outside as well, but her voice is betraying her. She is only glad this once that her mother is away from her. That she is only over the phone because Clarke fears what she might have done if she could see her now.

“I’ve tried to be patient with you. I’ve tried to wait for you through this phase but I’m done Clarke. Don’t come home this year.” And she says it finally, with almost no emotion and Clarke’s blood has never felt colder hearing her words. How she ever thought she could avoid this outcome with her mother she doesn’t know. This, as being with Lexa always does, feels inevitable.

She cannot avoid the nasty person her mother has become just like she cannot avoid her feelings for Lexa. “You aren’t keeping me from him.” She responds after a beat of angry silence. Clarke is shaking and angry. Her tone is colder than she’s ever heard it before, it even scares her a bit, and she never thought she’d ever speak to someone like this, much less her own mother.

“You are not somebody that he can be proud of; you are not somebody I am proud of.”

“Fuck you.” Clarke slams her hand against her trailer. “You want to blame someone for dad’s death, blame yourself. We were driving to you.” Clarke’s hand aches and she pulls it from the cold paneling of the trailer and curls it against her chest. She knows what she’s saying will only make things worse. She knows pulling out this kind of conversation, making her mother point fingers will cut her deeply and Clarke is ashamed that she wants that. “You aren’t keeping me from him. Go ahead and try but I’m done. You’re going to lose everything if you don’t find yourself soon.” Clarke’s hand tightened around her cellphone as she listened to her mother’s breath in her ear.

“Goodbye Clarke.” Is the last thing she says and then she hangs up and Clarke is so angry she throws her cellphone against the trailer and watches it shatter. She can’t even feel panic over it, can’t feel anger or distress at herself as it breaks apart and becomes unusable. She only feels relieved to see it break, relieved that something physically can fall apart, that something can finally shatter while she aches the terrible way that she does inside of her heart.

 _Fuck this_.

 

***

 

“You look better.” Costia smiles at her as she pulls her door open for the brunette girl, but Lexa cannot manage to smile back. Her brain is on a one track mind, the same place it’s been for days and days, or what’s felt like days and days as she rest against Anya’s sofa trying to become healthy again.

She doesn’t feel like smiling as the turmoil in her heart and in her head seem to be one. “Can I ask you something?” She mutters gently. She should go to Anya with this. Confiding in Costia probably isn’t the best idea, but she’s always gone to Costia for things like this in the past. It feels wrong not to now. She could really use her friend’s advice because Costia has always been good at it, especially this kind. And Costia is the type of person that wouldn’t like knowing that Lexa avoids these kinds of topics, walking on eggshells like she is too delicate to handle it. Costia isn’t delicate, she’s strong and something like this is not an affliction.

“About Clarke?” She’s giving her this understanding look, as if she already knew Lexa was coming over to ask her whatever questions that Lexa had running through her head about the pretty blonde girl that’s been on her mind from the moment she met her, as if she somehow just knows when Lexa is in distress over anything. For some reason that is beyond Lexa at this point she is just willing to help her, perhaps that’s just what family does, even if they don’t always deserve it.

“Is that okay?” She checks because she won’t ask if Costia really can’t talk about this with her. She doesn’t know how to handle someone else’s feelings in this kind of way, though Costia has never once made her feel guilty about not reciprocating.

“I’m not hung up on you, you know.” Costia teases as she urges Lexa to the couch. “I have a date tomorrow.” She informs her friend with a wide and infectious smile and for a second, Lexa completely forgets about her own problems, her own smile fighting its way onto her face when she sees how happy her friend is about it.

“You do?” And Lexa sounds interested because she is. She wants Costia to be happy and she thinks it silly of her to think that she could ever hurt Costia with her friendship.

“Yes dork,” Costia teases and they lean back into her sofa. “This is about what happened between you two right?” She seems to already know and Lexa avoids her gaze as she looks down at her own hands. She doesn’t ask her again if it’s okay, even though she thinks she should. Instead she just focuses on being able to say everything she wants to say out loud, being able to form it into words and get it out of her.

She needs to talk about it. “Cos,” Lexa huffs slightly. “I fucked up.” She states simply and then looks up again at dark blue eyes that shine into her own with a gentleness that only Costia can manage.

“How?” She smiles at her and scoots a bit closer for comfort, providing her with the attention and care that she needs because Costia is a good friend, she’s always been a good friend. She’s a great friend, one that Lexa values greatly and has always respected just as much.

“I’m so scared.” She whispers quietly and Costia smiles at her even more gently than before and Lexa wonders how she does that. Her hand is on her thigh and squeezing for support and it’s all the things Lexa needs to be able to manage the strength to continue. She always knows just what to do. She always knows. “I love her.” She says breathlessly and it feels weird as she says it, heavy on her tongue like it’s not meant to be spoken out loud, like it’s way too much and she is wrong to even be saying it at all even if it’s not to Clarke herself.

“Tell her that.” Costia offers simply.

“I messed it up already. I messed that up.” Lexa sounds desperate, her hands traveling to her hair to brush it back the same way she always does when she feels the stress begin to surface in her chest at the thought of Clarke no longer being in her life. It’s her fault that, that’s even a possibility now and she doesn’t know how to fix it and she doesn’t even know if she can.

“What happened?” Costia is urging her gently, and Lexa checks over her stare to make sure she’s fine with this.

There is nothing but support in her gaze. “I told her no.” Lexa hand subconsciously curls over her heart as she feels it ache at her words. “She wanted to be with me and I told her no.” Lexa’s voice cracks as she explains. She hates it when she sounds like this but she knows that can’t be helped. This situation is vulnerable. She can’t avoid that.

“Because you’re scared.” Costia smiles all soft and sympathetic. “Tell her, go to her and tell her why you said what you said. Tell her how you feel Lexa so she knows.” And what she says is reasonable but Lexa can’t quite process it like she thinks she should. What if she has no chance, what if she messed it up and it’s too late, what if telling the truth will only make things worse?

“I feel like it’s too late. I didn’t want to lose her but I feel like I already did.” She tells her honestly and watches Costia’s blue eyed gaze soften even more so. She is giving her all the looks that Lexa needs, all the attention and comfort and advice that Lexa can use, that Lexa is desperate for in these moments.

“You haven’t.” Costia catches her gaze seriously. “If you love her Lexa, fight for her. Tell her everything, why you’re scared, what about this scares you. Tell her you love her and that you want to try and that you’re sorry for telling her you didn’t.”

“I wrote her a letter for Valentine’s Day; I’ve never given it to her.” It sits in her trailer as of right now, in a cupboard above her bed, unopened and untouched since the last time she pulled it from her coat.

“Give it to her.” Costia’s eyes are sympathetic and her hand still places above her knee gently, squeezing whenever Lexa must make an expression that looks like pain. Everything about her actions are comforting and exactly what she needs and she is glad she has come to her with this and that Costia is willing to help her with it, despite everything.

“I don’t know if I can do it.” Lexa’s eyes water slightly but she blinks the tears away. “What if I’m not good for her? What if all that happens is I make everything worse and,”

“Lexa,” Costia’s voice is stern. “You can live on those what ifs or you can find out. You’re never going to know what happens if you don’t try and being honest isn’t going to be what hurts the both of you.” Costia sighs and pulls her hand from her knee. “You are good enough; you are so much more than you think you are.” Costia’s fingertips brush through the side of her hair and Lexa lets the touch comfort her. “She is so lucky to be loved by you and if she doesn’t realize that, we’ll figure it out Lex, you can come back here and I’ll help you through it I promise. We’re family, me and you and Anya. Family and she can be a part of that family or she can choose not to be, but you will survive it. Just try.” Her thumb brushes against Lexa’s cheek and the brunette finds herself nodding.

This is what she needed and she’s flinging herself across the couch to hug her friend as tightly as she can before she’s even aware of it. It makes the girl laugh a bit and she shushes Lexa as she sputters thank you’s in her ear, but this is exactly what Lexa needed. Her heart feels less heavy as she pulls back and Costia’s smile is delicate enough to comfort any of her worries away.

 _Just try_. Echoes in her brain and it continues to do so even as she leaves, even as she lies in her bed and thinks and thinks and thinks of all the ways to properly do this.

The letter, she will take the letter to Clarke and will sit there as she reads it and then she’ll confirm everything in the letter and then she’ll tell her she’s sorry and she’ll try. She’ll try. She has to be strong enough to try.

 

***

 

“Please Kane, just the weekend.” Clarke is begging for just this small amount of time, to see her brother just this once. It feels like an emergency, she needs to talk to him. Who knows what her mother has told him by now and if she’s placed any poison in his beautiful brain she needs to provide the cure quickly. She can’t lose him, of all people to lose in life he is not one of them. She is sure she wouldn’t be able to live with that, without him.

“Clarke you know I don’t like this,” Kane says stubbornly, looking at her like he isn’t quite sure what to do with her request. They’ve got deadlines and tight schedules and they were working especially fast because of Kane’s project that approaches at the end of November. They were trying to get done early, before he had to attend to other matters and that’s why they were working so often and so much.

Clarke asking for the weekend was something that he was most likely going to turn down but he didn’t need to know that she was going to go whether he said she could or not. It was just going to be easier and less dramatic if he agreed. “I know but I promise I will work days and nights. I won’t sleep; I’ll work every day off. I just need this weekend, please.” She’s got her hands together as if she’s praying and she’s doing her best pleading eyes, knowing how well they work on him. He’s soft on most everyone he works with, he was a good guy. And that look usually got Clarke what she wanted from him. She rarely used it unless she considered it an emergency and this; well this was most certainly an emergency.

“Alright, alright, all of that’s not going to be necessary. It’s just going to be a bit difficult; you’re in most of the scenes.” He’s already giving in; Clarke can see it in the soft expression on his face and the way he rolls his eyes at her folded hands.

She fights her smile. “But there are some without me.” She reasons with a gentle grin and he again only rolls his eyes at her, though she can see the corner of his lips turn up in amusement.

“Yes there are Griffin,” Kane chuckles as Clarke stares up at him. She continues the pleading knowing his resolve is wearing and she will inevitably get the weekend, she just hopes he won’t try and bargain. She’s taking the whole weekend and she really wants to keep things smooth and her reputation of being easy to work with intact.

“I promise I’ll be back Monday morning, bright and early.”

“Okay, okay, stop harassing me.” He chuckles as Clarke flings her arms around him, giving him a brief hug before separating from him and gaining her composure. She tacks on her best smile, the famous Griffin grin and watches as it breaks Kane’s resolve until he is also grinning down at her.

“Thank you, I’ll see you.” She’s already sprinting down the hall before he can stop her and she only waves at him as he shouts an amused goodbye after her.

She cannot get to the airport fast enough, consumed only by thoughts of seeing her brother instead of the heartache that she seems to normally carry with her.

 

 

“I’ve got a surprise for you.” Wells says as he pushes his door open and Jake hops up the steps into the house. He’s got a bright happy smile on his face, and Clarke is relieved to see it. She never wants to see that smile tainted and has to hold herself back from rushing toward him and taking him in her arms almost immediately. The last things she needs to do is startle him, she just needs to make sure that he’s okay, that her mother hasn’t said something she shouldn’t quite yet, that he’s still happy.

“Jake,” She says eagerly and the boy turns toward her swiftly, his bright smile only growing bigger, much the same Griffin grin they both inherited from their father. He sprints across the space, closing the distance and jumping into Clarke’s arms. She hugs him so tight she has to remind herself he is small and not to squeeze him to hard.

“Hey buddy, are you okay?” She asks gently to check, her hands combing through his hair and brushing all over him as if to check him all over, as if her mother would actually do something as terrible as that. Of course she wouldn’t but Clarke can never know anymore. She is not a woman that she will ever understand. Her actual mother is dead and this monster that has replaced her is a stranger. One she fears to leave her brother with. One she wishes she never had to see again.

“It’s not Christmas yet,” He says lightly, his tone so unbothered and happy and excited and Clarke’s heart aches and bursts and she loves him so much she knows she wouldn’t be able to survive this life without him in it. Her mother will literally have to tie her down or murder her or something to keep her from him.

She pushes past her fear that her future holds something so terrible and pulls back from him so she can look him in the eyes. “You have to promise me something okay?” She brushes her fingertips along his cheek briefly, wiping at dirt on the side of his face and watches as he giggles slightly to her touch.

“Okay?” He says curiously, his little hand brushing across Clarke’s cheek as if to copy her but instead it seems to be to take a small tear with his little fingers. “Who hurt you Clarke, I’ll punch them.” He says bravely, puffing out his chest as he wipes another tear at her other eye. She tries to blink them away, tries to remain as strong as possible and focus on him and only him.

“I’m okay buddy, but listen to me, are you listening?” She asks gently and when the boy nods she just gives him a look.

He sighs heavily at that. “Yes I’m listening,” He answers and Clarke nods, hearing him say it.

“You have to promise me you won’t tell mom you’ve seen me today okay?” She keeps her gaze as serious as she can make it. She manages to keep the tears at bay, manages to look stern and confident and strong for him.

His little eyebrows knit together as he tries to make sense of it. “Why?”

“Because you just do okay? It’s our secret can you keep a secret with me?” She brushes her fingertips through the side of his hair again and watches as the knowledge sinks into his head.

He nods a moment later. “Yeah,” He holds up his pinky finger and Clarke can feel the sad smile surfacing across her face before she can stop it. Her pinky slides with his and she curls it around his own, though her chest does not hurt any less even as he flings his arms back around her and hugs her again, tighter.

It’s as if he knows something is off, that something is wrong. “I love you Clarke.” He mumbles in her ear and she holds onto him tighter, her eyes traveling toward Wells to give him a silent thank you as he nods sympathetically at her and moves his way out of the room toward the living room to set up Jake’s favorite show, which is her show, but her mother doesn’t need to know that either.

When she finally pulls back from him the seriousness on his face and of the moment seems to pass by. He shoots into a story about his day at school and Clarke can barely keep up but she somehow manages it, listening as intently as she can. She holds his hand as they move toward the living room as well, and lets him sit in her lap as he watches a new episode, giggling and pointing at Clarke every time she appears on screen and informing her that she is there.

It’s adorable and for a while Clarke forgets about all of her pain.

 

 

It’s later that night as she lies in the guest room with her brother sleeping next to her that she almost calls her. She has her phone in her hand before she really thinks about it, her name lighted up and her thumb near the button but she seems to stop and stare at the letters on her phone screen for minutes before she even realizes what she’s staring at.

She wants to hear her voice, she misses it so much. She wants to make sure she’s feeling better, she wants to take care of her the same way she wants to take care of her brother and a heavy realization befalls her as she continues to stare at her name for even longer minutes.

She does not want to live without her much in the same way she cannot live without him.

 

***

 

Lexa feels nervous and sick all over again. She’s recovered of course from her illness but it’s still there, a cough lingering in her lungs that makes them burn every now and again, and her nose slightly stuffy with the aftermath.

She doesn’t look as beautiful as she wishes she did for something like this but she’s going to do it now anyways. Waiting two days while she clears her schedule and plans for the right time for this was already hard enough. She can barely stand it to wait any longer and Raven said Clarke was going to be home all weekend.

She didn’t bother calling her after Clarke didn’t pick up the first time. It went straight to voicemail and Lexa’s grown used to her avoiding her calls by now. She just hopes Clarke will want to see her, she hopes Clarke will give her a chance to fix it, to make up for her hurting her. She wants to explain even though the fear of all the words and all the knowledge in the letter in her hands makes her want to just start running in the other direction.

She is afraid. So afraid, but she stands in front of Clarke’s door anyway and stares at the same 3B she seems to stare at quite often. She knocks instead of using her key because knocking feels like that’s best for now. For this kind of situation, knocking is best. She isn’t even sure if she’s allowed to use her key anymore.

She knocks a few times and Clarke doesn’t answer, so she calls out. “Clarke, please, let me in Clarke.” Raven had said she’d be here and her car is parked in her spot. She must be in there, but she hears nothing. The door does not open for her and Lexa’s heart aches the longer she stares at the stupid 3B on her door. “Clarke,” She tries again and forces herself to be strong. “You don’t have to let me in, just let me talk for a second, please?” She sighs heavily as she continues to hear nothing.

She traces the letter and number with her fingertips for a moment as she holds the letter close to her chest in her other hand. “I have this note… or letter here for you and I thought, you could read it maybe?” Lexa rests against the door for a moment and tries to listen but she doesn’t really hear anything.

Maybe she’s not home, even if she was told that she was going to be home and her car is here, maybe she’s not. She pulls out her key and moves to shove it into the lock but stops herself short… if Clarke is home and she’s not opening the door, she’s not going to want Lexa to use it. She’s not going to want Lexa to use it even if she isn’t home, at least not now. Lexa is sure she’s lost that privilege.

She presses her ear to the door and listens. She can faintly hear the television. It’s on. The news she thinks, Clarke likes to watch that sometimes and the knowledge makes her heart pound faster. “Clarke please, open the door, I need to talk to you.” Lexa mumbles and she hates that she sounds slightly pathetic but she thinks it has to be worth it, Clarke has to be worth it. No, she knows Clarke is worth it, all of it, everything. She wants to tell her that, if she just opens the door she can.

“Okay,” She huffs slightly. “Just listen to me then and if you don’t open the door, I won’t…” Lexa takes in a deep breathe. “I won’t bother you anymore.” And that outcome is devastating; the possibility of it is devastating. Losing her best friend is something awful, but Clarke wasn’t just her best friend. Clarke was the love of her life and she really wanted her to know that.

Lexa rests her head against the door and takes in a deep breathe. “This letter, it tells you everything. I was supposed to give it to you already, but I didn’t, I should have. I should have done this sooner.” Lexa shuffles her hand through her hair as she keeps hold of the key and the letter. “I’ll tell you some of what it says but I wrote it down because I can’t… I can’t say it all out loud. It’s just… so much.”

Lexa holds her breath for a second and listens for anything other than the television. She hopes Clarke is at least close enough to the door that she can hear her; she hopes Clarke is listening and she’s not just talking to wood. “I love you.” She says it loud enough she knows she does but her voice still cracks against the words as they fight their way out of her. She has never been one to say those words much, but it felt so important for her to say them now. “The letter, it tells you how much, I mean, I say… _You’re everything_ Clarke.”

Lexa waits longer but the door doesn’t open and she feels her eyes water. Maybe she isn’t home? She tries to offer herself hope but she knows that’s probably not true. Her car is in her parking spot, her television is on, and Raven has confirmed she’d be here.

She is here.

She just doesn’t want her and Lexa supposes she might deserve that. “Okay.” She sniffs and blinks a few times to force back the tears because she won’t cry. She hates crying. “I’m sorry.” She mumbles to the wood and bends down to slide the key under the door. She misses it as soon as it’s gone and half of her wants to reach under the door and pull it back out but she doesn’t, she couldn’t reach it anyway.

She doesn’t cry as she heads home because crying is not something that she cares to do. But she does feel something that she’s never quite felt before. It’s a sensation of hopelessness that she hasn’t had quite in a long time but it feels… different. It doesn’t quite cripple her like she expects it too but it does feel like nothing really quite matters at this moment, that she has lost something important, incredibly important, that she’s continuing to forget that something important and she knows that it’s Clarke but she doesn’t know how to make the feeling go away or how to at least follow its rules.

Clarke does not want her anymore, and she has to live with that. But how does she?

 

 

Lexa knocks frantically on her friend’s door and each moment that passes that she doesn’t answer makes her feel worse and worse. Seconds feel like minutes and she is on the verge of losing it, of breaking down and crying right there in the hallway.

This is her fault, all her fault.

It takes a few minutes longer, or maybe its seconds, she isn’t sure, but the door finally flings open and Costia is staring at her with droplets of water still dripping from her skin and hair, clothes haphazardly thrown on as if she knew who was at her door and how important it was. She opened her arms the moment she laid her eyes on her and Lexa immediately fell into them, losing it for a moment as she sought her comfort and felt the lump in her throat grow impossibly larger.

She held onto her tightly as she whispered “I’m so sorry, she’s so stupid.” In her ear and Lexa only shook her head because no she wasn’t. Clarke isn’t stupid, could never be stupid. It’s Lexa who is stupid; it’s her own fault that she has lost this chance. She messed it up and she now has to live with that. She knows it, but it still doesn’t change the amount of pain she feels inside of her chest.

The girl pulls her closer and holds her tighter as she pulls her into the apartment, shutting the door behind her and locking it but not moving them until she knows Lexa is ready to let go. She provides her comfort for as long as Lexa seems to need it and that night Lexa falls asleep with her head in her lap, listening to Costia tell her about why working with Lincoln is a stressful thing. They don’t really talk about it and Lexa is grateful for that, instead she just listens to her voice and falls into her soft touches until she can finally get some rest, ignoring the heartache for a few hours to find some amount of solitude that will be disturbed the moment she opens her eyes.

 

***

 

Clarke gets home at 1:00 A.M. on Monday morning and the first thing she notices is that she’s left her television on, which only makes her groan out loud excessively. She was in such a rush to leave and knowing that’s been on, at that level of volume all weekend is just irritating.

She throws her bags down and presses the power button on the remote once she finds it under a few magazines on the table. Magazines she decides in this moment to throw away. She is no longer going to obsess over this kind of thing anymore. The media is the media, her mother is her mother, and she is stronger than both of them, and so is Lexa.

She huffs slightly as she fights the urge to run outside into her car and drive to Lexa’s, she doesn’t want to disturb her rest if she’s not exactly better yet. She hopes she is feeling better. She’ll have to wait tell morning to make her way to her and tell her what she wants to tell her and to check on her.

She hopes maybe she’ll be at work and they can talk in her trailer, a place they’ve  often used in the past to talk about things this important, to mend things, to begin things, to find time alone during a day full of so many interruptions. She can’t stop thinking about what she’ll say to her, how exactly she’ll phrase it all and urges her jacket off her shoulders, flinging it over the arm of a chair in her living room before walking her way toward the kitchen, flipping the lights on to grab a water.

She stops though, on her way to the fridge as something small by her door glints and she catches it from the corner of her eye, gathering her curiosity and making her head turn. She walks toward the brass object and feels the air leave her lungs as she bends down to pick it up.

 _Her key._ She doesn’t want this back.

Her hand curls around it as the pain she had been somehow managing to overcome came back, stronger than ever and she allows herself to collapse against the floor. Her chest tight and throbbing as the metal of the key cuts into her skin from holding the object too tight, she releases it, letting it clatter against the wood and pulls her knees to her chest, pulling her arms around herself and staring at it.

For a while that’s what she does. She sits there in a ball and stares at the metal and tries to understand what it’s doing here. _Why?_ Why would she give it back? Even if she didn’t want her like that anymore, even if that part of them was over, she didn’t think Lexa wanted to give up their friendship at least. They had gotten so close and Lexa was always so serious about her friendships, so protective of them. She valued them because she had so few but this… this felt like she was being thrown away.

Maybe she was fine with only Anya and Costia. Maybe Clarke really just wasn’t enough and Lexa had grown tired of her, of all of it, of everything that comes with her. And the possibility surfaces through her like a realization and then she is crying, all over again, burying her face in her knees and letting it out because what’s the point in trying to stop it anymore?

Lexa does not want her, she really doesn’t want her. Clarke is not enough, her love isn’t enough and she must have been stupid to ever think that she could be.

 

***

 

This is probably the hardest thing Lexa will ever think she’s had to do, and the fact that its acting is the funny part. Acting she’s always been so good at, everything about it. All of it has always been quite easy for her, natural. But with Clarke it’s almost as if she’s forgotten everything, and that feeling is even worse the moment she sees her.

She feels like it’s been decades since they last spoke to each other. She feels like a piece of her that’s been missing for days is filling as fast as it’s emptying. Because seeing Clarke, speaking to Clarke, being around Clarke is what fills it. But knowing that it’s Clarke, that she’s lost her chance with her, that, that chance is gone, that Clarke doesn’t want her or this, or Lexa’s love, empties it.

“Hey, you okay?” Costia touches Lexa’s lower back and she is distracted briefly from watching the wisps of blonde hair and the flutter of pretty eyelashes as she listens to whatever Kane is saying to her. He seems serious, going over something possibly as his shoulders square and his jaw tightens every once in a while. Clarke is listening as intently as possible, an eyebrow up and eyebrow down. She looks beautiful, Lexa wishes desperately that she could interrupt their conversation and give Clarke that knowledge.

“I’m okay.” She tells her friend, turning slightly to look at her and finding a small ounce of confidence in the gaze that Costia has on her. It’s not completely sympathy; Lexa would probably want to throw up if that’s all she found. It’s something else. Something assuring and strong that Costia has always been so good at with her. She pulls Lexa into her and offers her a gentle embrace that Lexa finds makes her feel a bit better even if she had said she was okay.

She isn’t okay. “I’m here if you need me.” Costia says in her ear and Lexa nods because she knows that. She knows that Costia is and always will be here for her. Costia is her family, her best friend, she would do anything for her and Costia will do anything for her as well. It’s just what family does.

“Okay let’s get this done.” Costia encourages as she backs up from her, pressing a kiss to Lexa’s cheek and offering her a wink as she saunters off toward hair and make-up. She rolls her eyes briefly at her friend, sucks in a deep breath and turns toward wardrobe. She has to see Clarke, speak to Clarke, and listen to everything Clarke says. She has to pretend that Clarke and her are on the kind of terms that requires the taking of someone’s clothes off, and my how Lexa would very much love to be on that kind of term. But she missed that chance. She messed it up and she has to live with that. She has to respect Clarke now and however she wishes to go about this.

When she is close enough to the blonde she doesn’t offer to break the silence between them. The air is tense and Lexa hates it. There’s a distance between them that she has never felt before and she wishes more than anything that she could just try again, run for the letter in her trailer and make Clarke read it this time. But she can’t and shouldn’t do that. Clarke doesn’t wish to read it and doesn’t want Lexa in that way, at least not anymore.

It’s her fault. She can survive this.

“Hi,” Clarke says once they are alone together, turning as the last person in wardrobe leaves the area to grab a few things. Lexa turns too, to look at her and she isn’t sure what she’s thinking. She can’t read her, whatever is in her eyes. Still pain but she no longer knows how to fix it, if she even has the right to try and fix it.

“Are you nervous?” Lexa offers instead, to avoid all topics of their personal relationship and focus on their jobs. Perhaps for now that is best and she can slowly work towards building their friendship back up again, slowly build their trust back up that she must have broken before.

She does not understand the look that Clarke is giving her. “Lexa,” She steps closer and Lexa watches her eyes as they shift, thoughts must be running a mile a minute through her head, and she wishes she knew what to say to comfort her. “How are you feeling?” She asks and she must be referring to Lexa’s illness because her hand reaches up for her head before she seems to think better of the action and drops it back to her side.

 _Like I miss you_. She thinks rather than says. “I’m better.” She tells her gently, still watching her eyes closely. She seems like she’s about to say something else when Kane calls for them. Lexa tries to smile at her, at least briefly before stepping away so they can get to work but Clarke grabs her wrist before she can go, gently and pulls her back toward her.

“Kane told me about…” Clarke’s eyebrows knit a moment before they smooth out in front of her. “Kane told me about what happened with his daughter a few years ago. When you worked on that one show with him and how it ruined everything and Lexa I just wanted…”

“I promise if you promise that that won’t happen this time.” Lexa interrupts her. She doesn’t like talking about that but she figured Kane would tell Clarke eventually with how much that has been spread about them in the media.

Half of it wasn’t even lies anymore. Those pictures that had come out of their trip together weren’t lies. They weren’t edited. They were the truth and Lexa wishes in this moment that she could go back there. “Lexa that’s the thing I,”

“What are you guys doing in here?” Costia is the one to come get them ultimately, offering Lexa one of her best comforting looks that she can possibly muster and she smiles at her for it. It doesn’t exactly comfort her in the way it normally does, instead it makes her want to scowl at the interruption. Clarke is talking to her about something that must be important to her, she wants to listen. But they have a job to do and now is not the time to be talking.

“We’re coming,” Clarke says coldly, her tone hard and a bit rough. Lexa has never heard her speak like that before and from the shift in Costia’s gaze, it seems neither has she. But Costia isn’t scared of it, she just seems to glare at her a moment before softening her gaze on Lexa.

“Kane’s about to blow.” She says simply, focusing on Lexa before running off and Lexa watches her go, almost willing her to come back just for the support she manages to give her but then also hoping everyone will just leave them alone so she can listen to what Clarke has to say.

“Let’s just get this done.” Clarke’s tone is clipped again, her hand releasing Lexa’s wrist abruptly. “Let’s talk in your trailer after.” Whatever it was that she had been going to say she seems to change her mind about and walks past Lexa and out the door toward their place on set, Lexa having to chase after her so that Kane doesn’t get more annoyed.

She expects the scene to be hard, but it isn’t. If anything, it’s easier to pretend that she gets this chance alone, that she and Clarke can forget everything and be together for a while, it’s easier to do this than it is to exist in real life, than it is to accept and acknowledge their feelings. They’ve never been any good at it. They get it done in one take; Lexa requesting that Clarke stays with her and doesn’t leave her again is vulnerable. Perhaps because acting like she is in love isn’t really acting at all.

And then Clarke is kissing her and it’s easier to forget where they are. It’s easy to lose herself in it, kissing Clarke has always felt an awful lot like coming home, and that doesn’t seem to change no matter how much things between them does.

She shudders against her as Clarke’s hands wrap around her back and pull their bodies closer and she shakes as Clarke’s fingers fiddle with the latch of her shirt, unhooking it and letting it fall off instantly. Clarke doesn’t even open her eyes as she pushes Lexa back toward the bed and Lexa holds onto her, letting herself be guided and losing herself in this, in Clarke’s touches and the moment of the scene.

It is other scenes they have to re-do throughout the day, but not that one. That one Kane seems to be perfectly happy with, unwilling to change anything about it from the moment they finish. Though the pillow talk after doesn’t seem to have the same affect, and they have to go over that one or two times before he’s satisfied.

Lexa wishes for a brief moment that she could be her character forever, just so she could kiss her best friend and never have to once pretend that she isn’t utterly in love with her.

It’s than that she knows she isn’t acting in these scenes. She’s never been acting and she isn’t sure that she can or will ever be able to act when it comes to loving her. Everything about these scenes that they share together are true. Lexa’s love for her is real and the brunette is sure that not one day will pass them where that isn’t the reality.

 

 

Clarke had her eyes on the door from the moment she had entered the room, her make-up and hair were done perfectly, and she was nearly in character, missing a bit of wardrobe which she was on her way too. But she kept looking for Lexa because today she knew she’d see her and after all the things that they’ve been through these past weeks, Clarke isn’t sure if she’s going to be able to handle it even if she’s anticipating it.

“Clarke can I speak with you a moment,” Kane has approached her abruptly, her thought pattern cut off as she blinks a few times out of her thoughts. He looks serious, as he often is when they are on set and she hopes this isn’t going to be another lecture because she’s tired of them. The next person that lectures her isn’t going to be very happy with her response.

“If it’s a lecture, no.” She raises her eyebrow in a challenge and watches as the brief amusement surfaces across Kane’s face before he’s chuckling and then shaking his head.

“No, no, it’s about giving you a lecture in the first place, I wanted to explain myself.” He moves his hands out as if to emphasis his point and she can’t help the raise of her eyebrow as she watches him.

“Oh?” She says curiously, watching as he nods once so she gets his meaning.

He smiles at her charmingly. “You see, I’ve known Lexa for quite some time, we’ve worked together many times now.” Clarke somewhat knew that already, but she didn’t interrupt him. Though he seemed to stop talking, watching her as if to make sure she was listening to him.

Clarke tries to ignore the way her heart aches at her name. “And?” She asks curiously and he chuckles again.

“You see, my daughter and Lexa, they were working together a few years ago on a show you might remember. They got rather close the same way you and Lexa have, however they were far more discreet about it.” He’s teasing, Clarke knows that. But it makes her stomach twist anyways. She can’t even be teased about it without it being painful and she thinks that part is really unfair.

Clarke blushes. “Look Kane it’s really okay, I don’t think anything,” She goes to tell him that whatever her and Lexa had started was hopeless, that it was over, that Lexa didn’t want her like that and their relationship was done now. She goes to tell him he has nothing to worry about but he is interrupting her again and she can’t help but feel slightly thankful for it, because saying those words out loud almost felt like they would destroy her.

“No, no. See Clarke, the both of you together would probably be great for our ratings but this project is very important to me and I know it’s important to Lexa, and it’s important to my daughter too. Lexa helped her figure out who she was, and then things didn’t work out and now they don’t even talk and our show got cancelled after my daughter couldn’t handle it and decided to leave.”

Clarke’s brows furrow as she listens to him, nodding her head and watching as he explains. She goes through her mind if she had ever heard anything about this before but she knows she hasn’t. Lexa hasn’t mentioned it either. “So you see I was just, concerned is all. I want this show to be on for a while; I think it’s important for people to see it. I don’t want you guys falling out and things happening in the same order.” He’s moving his hands again and it’s a bit distracting, attracting her attention as she shuffles through the thoughts in her head, the new information provided to her by Kane.

“Kane, I promise that’s not going to happen. Lexa and I are professionals and…” She is distracted from whatever she had been about to explain as she turns her gaze toward the opening of the door, eyes catching the brunette girl as she walks in with Costia. There’s a soft smile on her face, it’s very pretty and Clarke misses it as she stares after her. She wants to part from Kane more than ever and run over toward her, she wants to kiss her smile and tell her how beautiful she is and how much she misses her.

She doesn’t.

“I’ve just seen it happen before. I’m not a person to tell you both what to do, I just know that I hope you both will be careful about this.” When she does look at him again he’s got a raise to his eyebrow, a question of some kind that Clarke is sure she doesn’t know how to answer. She’s not even sure she’d want to answer it if she could.

“Of course,” Clarke says as she nods at him.

“Lexa is a sweet girl, I do wish her and my daughter were still friends I quite admire her. But things like this happen; I just hope that things don’t work out the same for you both.” He offers her with a gentle grin and squeezes her upper arm reassuringly.

“I can assure they won’t.” She briefly smiles at him, distracted by the kiss Costia places on Lexa’s cheek and feels that ugly knot in her stomach tighten.

 _Friends kiss friends cheeks sometimes, stop it_.

Maybe Lexa is only afraid of the same thing Kane is. Maybe Lexa just needs the reassurance? Clarke isn’t sure but she feels her heart rate increase as she heads toward wardrobe and sees Lexa following her.  She needs to talk to her; she needs to tell her that things are different this time that they both are different. She needs to tell her how she feels, or at least some of it and if Lexa still doesn’t want her, than okay. She’ll let it go, she let that hope go and she’ll give Lexa whatever amount of space she needs. She won’t bother her with this ever again. But she needs to at least try.

 

***

 

Lexa opens the trailer door with a huff, feeling quite exhausted after a long day. Her heart lurches as she sees Clarke standing there, as she had promised she would talk to her later, but she isn’t quite sure she’s ready for whatever Clarke has to say. Maybe after Kane told her what he did Clarke wants to do the same thing? Maybe Clarke wants to leave her in all the ways that you can leave someone. She tries to shake that thought off because it would be kind of ridiculous. That’s not who Clarke is.

“Let me in?” Clarke asks gently, a soft curve of her eyebrow as she asks permission, there’s even a touch of a smile on her lips, just a touch. She can’t read her eyes but she knows they look beautiful. She wishes she could tell her that, but knows she has to accept the fact that she can’t.

Lexa’s heart aches a bit as she gazes at her before ultimately backing up and letting Clarke pull herself up into the trailer. The blonde shuts the door behind her and immediately looks to her side at her, again her expression isn’t quite readable and Lexa doesn’t know at all what she’s thinking.

She’s scared that Clarke is going to tell her how she wants to leave the show now, that she doesn’t want to see Lexa anymore and the brunette isn’t sure she could bare it. “Lexa, do you think I’m going to leave?” She raises her eyebrow again with the question and Lexa can only study her face a moment as she takes in her words. She tries to think of the best way to answer the question, but she isn’t sure she knows a good way.

Lexa tries to shake her head but she can’t. “I,”

“I’m not.” She tells her, voice a bit clipped and stern and Lexa doesn’t know if she should be comforted by it or not. “I’m here and,” Clarke swallows and then is grabbing her hand and placing a piece of cold metal in it. “Friends first, you said that.” Clarke’s eyes are bluer than ever and Lexa thinks she might cry as her hand closes around the item. “That’s your key and I,” Clarke steps closer and she looks at her in a way that twists her stomach. Whatever that look is, it looks like it hurts and Lexa wants to do nothing more than to soothe all her pain. She wants to make her happy again because Clarke deserves to be happy, always.

She’s forgetting something important. “ _Clarke_ ,”

“I miss you,” She tells her and she knows she’s telling the truth. She knows Clarke isn’t lying as she stares at her eyes and they look so different, so gentle and beautiful but full of something else, something important that Lexa needs to figure out before she’s too late. “You’re my best friend and I miss you. I’m not going anywhere, are you?” And she hates that she’s made Clarke think she’s had to ask that question. Of course she isn’t, it doesn’t matter how in love she is, or how much is hurts that Clarke may not feel the same, she isn’t going to leave her.

Lexa shakes her head because she can’t swallow the lump in her throat and then she flings her arms around Clarke and hugs her so tight she might be cutting off her air-circulation. But Clarke hugs her back just as tight as she feels relief flood her chest. “I miss you too.” She manages to squeeze through her throat and feels Clarke’s arms tighten around her.

They hug like that for what feels like ages, just holding each other like one is afraid the other will disappear if they let go. Lexa doesn’t ever want to let go. Clarke breathes heavily as she pulls back from her and Lexa misses the feeling of their bodies pressed together immediately. “Come on, let’s go home.” She offers Lexa her big beautiful smile and Lexa feels like she won’t last much longer without crying.

She touches Clarke’s cheek, traces her smile with her thumb. “Okay,” She mumbles and Clarke smiles a bit wider, blinking a few times as if she can will the water Lexa can see in her gaze away. If Clarke cries she will hold her, if Clarke sobs she will soothe her. She isn’t going anywhere as long as Clarke wants her to stay, even if that’s just as her best friend.

She isn’t sure that she could live without her, even if she wanted too.

 

***

 

If Clarke has to watch Costia touch the love of her life in that way one more time she might actually lose it, no matter how ridiculous that sounds. Sure it’s a wrap party, everyone’s having fun, but Costia has been wrapped around her arm all night and it’s twisting her stomach in all of the most unpleasant of ways that something like this can twist her stomach.

She hasn’t asked Lexa, but Costia has been a bit more touchy feely with her lately. Always hanging on her arm and kissing her cheek before they part from each other. It’s a bit like it was a few years ago when Costia was always there, stopping Clarke from getting the proper amount of alone time with her. She’s been a bit standoffish with her too, but not unfriendly exactly, just… standoffish.

Clarke has been avoiding interacting with the both of them all night because of the way Costia seems to wrap herself up in as much of Lexa as Lexa will let her. Dancing with her in ways that are a bit too provocative, hugging her from behind or whispering things in her ear that seem to make Lexa giggle. Maybe something is going on and Clarke’s jealousy isn’t blinding her.

Maybe Lexa has finally chosen who she wants to be with and Clarke has to accept that it’s not her.

She sighs heavily as she slides into the booth where Luna sits, typing away on her phone. She offers her an easy smile and Clarke goes to make conversation with her but gets distracted by Lexa sliding into the seat across from her. Lincoln pops over as well, pushing Clarke further into the booth so he can sit down too.

For a brief moment Clarke forgets about her jealousy as Lexa offers her that pretty smile and the table begins to discuss all the events that happened throughout filming. They drink and laugh and it’s easy. Clarke is soothed by the alcohol and Lexa’s feet kicking at her own every once in a while that she forgets briefly about her worries and focuses on just having fun.

Lincoln eventually drinks too much and manages to actually fall asleep in the booth seat, pretty much trapping Clarke in on her side. Eventually everyone else though, drinking just as much, wants to dance more and they slide out of the booth to do just that. Lexa stays with her though, offering her a smile and the startup of a brief conversation. It’s a simple one really, not about much, but Clarke still enjoys it like they are speaking about something deeper.

Their relationship the last two weeks has taken a turn for the better and Clarke, even though she misses being with her in all the ways that she wants to be with her, is just grateful to have her best friend back. It’s significantly improved her mood and she’s even started sleeping better. This can be enough, she thinks as Lexa laughs at one of her jokes. Having Lexa likes this, as her friend, can be enough.

That thought is easy when it’s just the two of them, but the moment is ruined as soon as Costia seems to plop herself right into Lexa’s lap. She’s clearly drunk too much as well, giggling and whispering something in Lexa’s ear that makes her blush excessively red. Clarke can feel her jaw clench as she watches the pair across from her. Lexa is saying something quiet and pushing at the girl’s thighs as if she’s trying to get her off her lap, or perhaps that’s just what Clarke wants to see. Perhaps Lexa actually enjoys having Costia draped all over her, seated comfortably in her lap, perhaps Clarke only wishes that Lexa didn’t want that.

Clarke wanted nothing more than to reach across the table in that moment and dump Lincoln’s now warm glass of beer all over Costia’s head. She doesn’t at all want to watch this, and she really doesn’t want to see Lexa want that kind of attention. Clarke hated every explicit second she had to sit and watch the two of them. She wanted to say something, but couldn’t seem to pry her bottom teeth from her top teeth, that were grinding together in aggravation, apart long enough to do so.

Clarke’s glare wasn’t just deadly as Costia’s hands smoothed around Lexa’s neck and she kissed the girl’s cheek gently. It was almost as if she could kill with just a look. Her head tipped down, an unwelcome snarl coming from her throat that she didn’t mean to let out. The worst part would be the confused look on Lexa’s face that Clarke wanted to believe was only confusion at her friend’s actions. That nothing was going on, but for some reason, her jealous stopped allowing her to believe that.

“Shouldn’t you get a room?” Clarke’s unwelcome snarl startled both girls across from her. Clarke didn’t attempt to relax her features as their eyes met, Costia giving her a wide grin, clearly drunk and Lexa looking at her like she doesn’t at all get the statement she had just made.

Clarke only rolls her eyes, she can’t do this anymore. Being just friend with Lexa is easy, when there’s nobody else in line to be more than friends with Lexa. She doesn’t know if she can actually do this. She thinks that she might not be able too. Maybe it’s just the alcohol in her system making everything worse; nonetheless, she’s feeling a bit hopeless. “Clarke, we’re not,” Lexa’s voice is soft and confused as the blonde begins to adjust in her seat, looking for an escape.

“Fuck it.” came out fast and angered. Her features were visibly contorted. She was beyond pissed and she couldn’t stop herself from feeling it. She needed to get out of here, and she needed it desperately. She hopped over Lincoln out of the booth without looking at either one of them again and stormed through the building for the door.

She had no idea Lexa was chasing her until she had pushed the door open and it hit the wall loudly as she escaped outside. Her voice made her stop as it said her name, “ _Clarke_ ,” with the click of the “k” that even now, had that familiar shiver running down her spine. How does she always do that? How does she always make her feel so much just by saying her name?

She spun around to look at her and felt guilty for getting angry, but she couldn’t help it. Why did Lexa want Costia and not Clarke? After everything, what about Costia is better? Is it because they’ve known each other longer? Is it because Costia is prettier than her? Maybe it’s because it’s easier to be with her than it ever will be to be with Clarke. Maybe Clarke just isn’t worth any fight.

“What?” She raises her eyebrow as the anger surfaces through her chest. She keeps seeing it as she looks at her, her and Costia and Clarke is just the friend, always the friend, stuck being the friend and it’s supposed to be enough but it isn’t. It’s never going to be enough.

“Clarke what’s going, why are you so angry,” Lexa reaches for her but she backs away from her, shaking her head.

“Because,” Clarke feels her hands curl into fists as she stares at the girl she loves and she can feel how her throat closes up the longer those pretty green eyes stare at her. They look so confused and she just doesn’t get how they can be. Why doesn’t she understand how hard this is? Why the hell isn’t it hard for her too? Why does she seem fine? Why is just being Clarke’s friend enough for her?

“Clarke I’m sorry, whatever it is I’ll fix it if you,” Lexa sounds desperate. Clarke can’t hear it. Can’t hear her speak like that without wanting to comfort her. She always wants to protect her, to provide her with all the love she can find. She always wants to make her happy and keep her safe and she just doesn’t understand why she can’t do that now. She doesn’t understand why being her friend isn’t enough just as she doesn’t understand why it is enough for Lexa.

She doesn’t understand anything.

“Lexa,” Clarke shakes her head. “You don’t get it.” She feels the laugh cut through her bitterly. Eyes watering as she thinks of all the things she wishes for, she wants but can’t ever seem to have.

“So tell me what I did, we were just fixing everything and I don’t want to mess it up again.” Lexa sounds desperate. It’s so heartbreaking. This whole thing is heartbreaking.

“Lexa,” She shakes her head as the brunette immediately steps closer to her.

“Clarke,” She says her name sternly and Clarke feels her heart pound so loud and aggressive as she stares at her.

“I love you but you don’t want to be with me.” And Clarke feels the pain of it as it surfaces and the words leave her before she can really stop them. She is aching as Lexa stares at her, confused, deep in thought at her words and she can’t stay watching her, can’t staying watching her process her words, figuring it all out and ultimately telling Clarke she doesn’t return those feelings. She can’t stay for it, she won’t survive it.

She shakes her head and escapes the room before Lexa can stop her, running off toward her trailer in hopes to escape the responsibility of her confession.

 

***

 

Lexa doesn’t know what it means. She knows she should by now, know exactly what Clarke meant when she said what she said but she doesn’t because it doesn’t make any sense. If she had meant it like that, wouldn’t she have opened the door for her and read her letter? If she had meant it like that why would she have left her waiting outside and then requested that they stay friends later?

Maybe she didn’t mean it quite like that, even if it made Lexa’s heart flutter and ache in her chest the moment the words left her mouth. She doesn’t know how she meant it; she doesn’t get it, not really. None of this makes any sense, which is why leaving Clarke alone after her words were spoken is not something she can do.

She grabs Clarke’s favorite flavor of ice cream and is at her trailer before she can even think about doing anything else, knocking loudly in hopes that the door will open this time. It doesn’t make sense for it not to open; nothing about this night is making any sense. _I love you_ , echoes in her head over and over and she can’t at all figure out what kind of _I love you_ it is.

Thankfully, it only takes a minute for Clarke to open her door to her. “I bought you ice cream.” She said immediately, stepping up onto the trailer stair before Clarke can shut the door on her. “Can we talk?” She asks gently, her voice barely above a whisper. She isn’t even sure she’s capable of speaking any louder than that.

Clarke looks her over for a minute and Lexa wishes she could figure out what that look means in her eyes. “Depends on what flavor you bought.” Clarke tells her and Lexa can’t help the smile that surfaces on her face because even now, with so much weighing them down, she can manage to tease her.

“Cookie dough,” She whispers softly and watches as Clarke studies her a moment, studies her face and then the bag.

“Okay,” Clarke snatches the ice cream from Lexa’s hand and moves further into the trailer, leaving the door open behind her for Lexa to walk through. The brunette shuts it behind her and grins as Clarke throws the grocery bag on the counter, digging out a spoon and making her way toward the trailer bed in the back.

Lexa follows her, kicking off her shoes as she reached the bed and climbing onto the mattress with the blonde as she opened the container of ice cream and began to dig into it. She reaches over and presses the spacebar on her laptop, letting the sitcom that was on begin to play again. Lexa doesn’t want to see her frown as they joke but it’s what she’s getting. She doesn’t want to see Clarke like this but she doesn’t know why she is like this.

She just needs to figure it out before it’s too late.

Lexa doesn’t say anything quite yet, waiting on permission from Clarke to speak, and once the blonde seems comfortable and has had a few bites of her ice cream she reaches the container out to Lexa as if to offer her some as well, Lexa takes a bite and the blonde smiles at her. “Clarke,” She says carefully. She watches as Clarke takes another bite and avoids looking at her, finding that her own fingers are pushing back strands of blonde hair before she can stop it.

 _She is beautiful_. “Does she make you happy?” Clarke asks gently and Lexa feels more confused than ever as she continues the soft brush of her fingertips through Clarke’s hair. She’s trying to comfort her while being as confused as she is and she isn’t sure how long both of these things can happen. She just wants things to make sense.

“Clarke,” She sighs and scoots closer to her. “Costia and I, we’re not, I don’t like her like that and I wish you would believe me when I tell you that.” She can’t count the number of times she’s told her that. She doesn’t get why Clarke would ever think that, despite the fact that Costia got a little touchy this night. She’s drunk, things happen. But she doesn’t want anyone besides her and she doesn’t understand how Clarke doesn’t know that after she left her waiting outside her door.

“Lexa,” Clarke looks at her and she continues to be very confused as Clarke’s gaze looks so soft and hopeless. “It’s okay though if you do. You deserve to be happy and if she makes you happy,”

“No.” Lexa says sternly making Clarke stop talking. “I don’t want to be with her and if I did,” She takes in a deep breathe. “I’d tell you that.” She wants Clarke to believe her, to know that that’s the truth and she’d never lie about it. How could she ever want anyone that isn’t Clarke?

Clarke nods once and looks back at her computer. “Okay.” She says and Lexa feels a soft smile grow just watching her.

“Clarke about what you said,”

“Can we just forget it?” She doesn’t look at her, even though it seems like she wants too. She seems to be resisting the urge so Lexa does what she can to try and grab her attention, turning her head just right to try and catch her eye.

“Well no.” Lexa sighs softly. “I’m just… confused.” Cerulean orbs finally meet hers and she feels her heart clench slightly as they stare at her curiously, moving over different features of her face as Clarke seems to try and decide what she wants to say.

“How?” The blonde asks delicately and Lexa is silent for a while as Clarke studies her.

“Just, what did you mean?” She asks and watches Clarke’s eyes as the blonde turns away from her again. She tries to pay attention to Clarke’s tells, she tries to understand what the different emotions are, that cross her face, but she can’t exactly read her. She always feels like she’s struggling to read her, despite the hope in her heart that Clarke means it the way that she wants her to mean it.

The silence carries for a bit before Clarke is turning her gaze toward her again and looking at her in that way that makes Lexa’s heart skip a beat. “You’re my best friend Lexa.” She smiles at her and lets one of her hands tangle with Lexa’s, squeezing slightly as if Lexa is the one that needs the comfort when the brunette is sure that it’s Clarke who needs it more. She looks as if she needs it more. “I love you.” She says again and Lexa’s heart does the same thing it did the first time she heard it. She feels as if it will burst right there in her chest as she stares into those lovely eyes of her best friend.

 _Best friend_ echoes in Lexa’s brain until her heart is pounding far too loudly in her ears for her to be able to even hear the show on Clarke’s computer. “Are you afraid that if I was with Costia, I wouldn’t be your friend anymore?” She asks gently and Clarke’s brows furrow for a second as she seems to think something over in her head.

“Lexa,” Clarke sets the ice cream aside, leaning over the rest of the bed and the computer to place the carton on the counter and then she turns toward her until she’s looking at her fully, as if she wants Lexa to not mistake the words that are about to come out of her mouth, though she doesn’t know how she’d mistake them. She’s just trying to understand. “I don’t think you’re understanding me quite right.” She says seriously and Lexa looks at her again, more confused than ever.

Of course she does not understand her, she doesn’t get this. If Clarke had meant it like that wouldn’t she have opened the door, wouldn’t she not attach the word best friend close to it? Is she trying to deny this herself, or is she trying to read into it too much? What the hell is she supposed to think? What the hell is Clarke trying to tell her that she’s not getting?

“Okay,” Clarke takes in a deep breath and slowly lets it out. “It’s hard to see you, want her.”

“I don’t.” _I want you_.

“Okay, I believe you, but it’s not… just her. It would be anyone. It would be hard to see you want anyone.” She brushes the locks of Lexa’s hair out of her eyes, as if they are in the way of whatever explanation she’s trying to make and Lexa feels like she might melt from the touch. “Do you get it?” She asks with a soft raise of her pretty eyebrow.

Lexa thinks she could watch her for days and never grow tired of the view. “I don’t know.” She tells her heavily because she really isn’t sure she does. She isn’t sure quite what she believes right now.

Clarke smiles but it doesn’t touch her eyes. “Okay.” She says again. “Stay with me and watch this show, don’t go back to the party, stay with me.” And again Clarke’s statement sounds heavy. Like it holds something extremely and utterly important inside of it and Lexa needs to understand, has to understand before it’s too late.

She doesn’t understand, and that really bothers her. “What do you want Clarke, just explain it and I can,”

“Lexa, it’s okay.” She chuckles and Lexa feels her heart flutter at the sound because unlike most of Clarke’s recent laughs that she’s been receiving, this one has genuineness in it. There is no humorlessness behind it. She is genuinely chuckling at her and it is so beautiful. “We’re no good at this are we?”

“Talking, no, not really.” She smiles softly at her and watches as Clarke sighs heavily.

“Okay, let’s stop trying then.” With that she collapses against Lexa, wrapping her arms tightly around her and lets her eyes stare at the computer screen as they fall back slightly against the trailer wall. Lexa’s arms are around Clarke of their own accord.

She’s still so confused but she doesn’t ask more questions quite yet, waiting for Clarke to relax against her before she can try again. Clarke’s hand slips under her shirt and slides along her belly and she shivers, her hold tightening subconsciously.

“ _Clarke_ ,” She mumbles and the blonde turns her head to look at her, to meet her eyes. Why does she always feel like she’s forgetting something so important whenever Clarke looks at her like that. “You’re my best friend and I love you too.” She tells her, wondering if her “I love you” may be what Clarke would like to hear, or if Clarke will only hear her confession on the outside of her door, like the first time she muttered it. She wonders if it’s weird now, for Clarke to be this close to her, despite her confession of being bothered when Lexa is with someone else. She wonders if Clarke may feel the same, if she means it like that or if Lexa’s heart is just hoping she means it like that and she is always hoping for too much.

Maybe she should start thinking with her head a little more than her heart. Clarke must not mean it like that, but if she wants her love this way she can figure that out. She can give that because this way she keeps Clarke and Clarke keeps her.

The blonde’s touch to her cheek is soft; the blonde’s lips against the corner of her mouth are softer. She says nothing back, the feeling that she is forgetting something still sits heavy in her chest as Clarke focuses back on the computer screen, her eyes fluttering every once in a while as if she is fighting the sleep that wants to claim her.

She is still confused, unsure of what this means but she doesn’t ask any more questions. Instead for a while, they both just watch TV, until Clarke is parting from her to reach for the ice cream again. It’s a bit melted when she opens it and Lexa can only smile at the laugh that it causes to erupt from Clarke’s throat.

She does love her, whether that is in the same way that Clarke loves her or not she is not sure, all she knows is there is never going to be another person that she loves more than her.


	10. took all this love I found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this mainly fluffy chapter. We've got a nice up hill slop for awhile so the angst is gonna slow down a bit. :)

##  _Winter, 2015/16_

Clarke combed her fingers through soft brown hair, watching the soft flutter of the girl’s eyelids as she slept. Lexa has not left her alone for three weeks and Clarke hasn’t asked her too. They haven’t been spending their time talking about the more serious parts of their relationship and their separate lives, but they have reinforced all the simple things. Thursday night’s pizza and movies, Friday night games, certain things like that. Even the simplistic phone calls of what they’ll be eating for dinner, together, are now in place, distracting both of them from anything more complicated than the simple domestic things of their lives that they share together.

Clarke can’t bring herself to care about anything else as the beautiful girl beside her sleeps. She’s in the process of waking her because her flight is in two hours and she has to be ready to go and Lexa insisted that she would drive her. The months they will have to spend apart after the weeks of them mending everything that had seemed to break was not something Clarke was looking forward to, despite how excited she was to film this movie.

She wouldn’t think about cancelling it, not in a million years, but she does wish she could bring Lexa with her. She wishes she could let her stay in her nice hotel and she can come home to her after a long day of filming and just fall into her embrace and eat whatever room service Lexa decided to get for her because she knows Lexa would. If Lexa came with her she could provide her with a proper vacation, months away from everything that is a normal infliction on their lives, things to pamper Lexa with when she’s not working on her movie.

She won’t ask her to come, despite the day dream. Lexa has her own priorities to worry about here, Clarke knows that. It doesn’t stop her from wishing anyways. “Lexa,” She tries to whisper her name in the girl’s ear again but she seems to not be waking up on this very morning. Of course she chooses now, when they’re on a scheduled time limit, to sleep like the dead. Lexa isn’t often a heavy sleeper, but it aches Clarke’s heart to pull her from whatever dream seems to have ahold of her so tight.

She must be feeling safe; it’s the only time Lexa sleeps like this.

She tries again, softly tangling her fingers through curly brown hair and pressing her lips to the girl’s small ear. “Lexa,” a bit louder than before, not too loud, just enough to maybe get her stirring and it does work a small bit, a small furrow to the girl’s brow, a mumble of something completely incoherent as she twists in Clarke’s sheets.

She is so beautiful and Clarke finds it’s hard to look away from her. “What time is it?” Lexa’s voice is thick with sleep, groggy and disoriented as she blinks awake, pretty green eyes finding Clarke’s blues almost immediately the moment they open. They always do that in the morning, they always look at her like that and Clarke can never stop the way it makes her heart leap into her mouth like she will never be looked upon the way Lexa looks upon her ever again.

“Four baby,” Clarke whispers, her breath catching around the term of endearment before she can stop it. She has never called her that before. It’s always been Lexa’s nickname for her. It’s always been just the way it was whenever Lexa has said it to her. But something about the way it rolls off of Clarke’s tongue, with the sky still dark and Lexa’s face illuminated by only street lamps, made the word feel so much more intimate than anything Clarke has ever said before.

It makes the blonde’s heart race as those green eyes settle on her, settle on her words, as they understand her. “You have to leave.” Lexa’s lip puckers slightly as she says it, as the realization that they will be spending time apart, not by choice this time, settles between them.

Clarke wants to ask her to come with her, but she already knows the answer so she doesn’t. “I do,” Clarke’s fingers continue through Lexa’s hair, brushing lightly across her forehead now as well. She watches the movement a moment, parting her own eyes from Lexa’s to admire her skin and the waves in her beautiful hair as her fingers run through the strands. She could watch Lexa forever.

“Are you going to be okay?” Lexa asks delicately, her own fingertips reaching for a touch of her skin as they brush along Clarke’s arm. “Not seeing your brother this year?” She clarifies what she means, a gentle sympathetic smile that Clarke can’t completely tare her eyes from.

She blinks at her a moment before she stops the movements in her hair. She lets her eyes find Lexa again and feels a sad smile cross her own features. “I’m not allowed to see him.” She lets her thumb brush across Lexa’s cheekbone watching her expressions as Clarke’s words sink in.

Her eyes blaze suddenly in front of her and Clarke tries not to laugh. “That bitch didn’t.” She’s never heard Lexa speak like that about anyone before, it almost makes her want to laugh, if the situation wasn’t so sad she probably would.

“She did.” Clarke informs her and Lexa pushes herself up into a sitting position, which pulls Clarke up with her as well. She can’t pull her eyes from the blazing green ones in front of her. She’s clearly upset about it, and of course she would be. Lexa knows how important Clarke’s brother is to her. This has been something Clarke’s been trying to avoid for a long time.

“She can’t do that to you Clarke, she can’t, it’s not right.” And Lexa looks so torn about it, so upset and confused and all Clarke cares about in this moment is soothing her. She climbs into her lap, she doesn’t even think about why she shouldn’t, and brushes her fingers through Lexa’s curls again, basking silently in the way the strands feel between her fingertips. She does love Lexa’s hair, about as much as she loves her hands.

“It’s okay Lexa, It’s not your fault.” She tells her because she wants her to know that and presses her forehead to Lexa’s as the brunette’s arms slowly wrap around her body and pull her closer, tightly against her that she can feel every breath Lexa takes in and every one that is released not just from the slow lift of her chest but the air against her lips that makes her shudder. She can’t really care at this moment about her problems, her brain is only mainly focused on what she wants, and that is a naked Lexa. Though she tries to push the thoughts back the best she can, clearly aware that they are not appropriate.

They’ve been harder to not think about lately. Maybe she shouldn’t be surprised by that, after everything they’ve been through and how many times they’ve blurred their lines together until she wasn’t even sure there was a line anymore. She’s never wanted someone more than she wants her, in all the ways that you can want someone.

“It is partly my fault.” She tells her softly. “But she has no right to do this to you. If someone told me I couldn’t see my brother,” She is so close to her that she can see the way Lexa’s jaw clenches when her teeth grind together. She can see the small movement of her jaw that she does whenever she is angry, the movement she doesn’t even realize she’s doing as the thoughts circle through her head.

Clarke could watch her forever.

“I’m still seeing him, just, not with her knowledge. She’ll expect me to come at Christmas. I’m hoping when I don’t, it’ll throw her off enough from ever catching me when I do come.” She shuffles her fingertips through the side of Lexa’s hair and watches the strands fall around and move between her fingers.

“Are you going to sneak around forever?” Lexa asks gently and Clarke feels her insides melt as Lexa’s hands slide under her shirt, along the bare skin of her back, sliding slowly up her spine and then down again as if she’s tracing some kind of invisible pattern. It’s the same pattern she always does to comfort her, even if on this morning, it sparks something much different than just comfort.

“Just for now until I figure something else out. She can’t keep me from him.” Clarke smiles at her, watching the flutter of her eyelashes and then the pull of her lips as they push up slightly, smiling at her, or not exactly smiling but seemingly happy in her presence. Clarke loves that smile, even if it’s not really a smile. It’s only ever reserved for her.

“I’m sorry Clarke.” Lexa tells her and she knows she’s sincere about it because her voice quivers the same way it always does when she gets a bit too serious.

She cups Lexa’s face in her hands and makes sure they’re gazes are locked together. “It’s okay, this isn’t your fault.” She brushes both her thumbs across Lexa’s lovely cheekbones and watches the flutter of her eyelids again as the action makes her feel all the things she always feels whenever Lexa so much as breathes near her. “Thank you for being here for me.” She tells her delicately and presses a gentle kiss to the corner of her mouth. The corner of her mouth where she’s reserved for every kiss that slips her, whenever the urge is strong and she almost cannot resist leaning into her just a little too closely. This is her default spot.

Lexa shudders against her like she’s kissed her full on the lips anyways. “I’ll make you breakfast.” The brunette tells her softly, in that voice that makes everything inside of Clarke clench with want of many other things that aren’t breakfast.

“Okay,” She husks over the girl’s mouth, knowing all it would take is a simple move. So little space already sits between them, she can close it and not a thing would matter. Not a damn thing would matter but the two of them.

Lexa would kiss her back, she always kisses her back. “Pancakes? You love pancakes.” Lexa’s voice sounds lower, maybe it’s only Clarke’s head, but it still sounds lower.

“Sounds good.” She whispers quietly, and presses her lips against the corner of Lexa’s mouth again, this time a little closer to where she actually wants to kiss her.

“How long?” Lexa asks as if she doesn’t know; as if she hasn’t been the one keeping track of how many hours are left until Clarke’s departure for the last two days.

The question only makes Clarke smile. In truth she will only be gone three months, it’s not as if they’ll never see each other again, it’s not as if they won’t talk as much as they can when they are apart. But somehow leaving always feels like it’s going to be the last time Clarke sees her, and the feeling is always nearly unbearable.

“Little under two hours, I’m going to shower and pull my suitcase toward the door. Stay awake?” She kisses the corner of Lexa’s mouth again and the girl makes a small “hum” in the back of her throat that has Clarke’s thoughts in the gutter and a tingling starting between her legs. She can’t get her head out of that place this morning, most mornings she can’t.

She tries to not think about it as she pulls herself from the lap of the pretty brunette girl still in her bed. “I pull your suitcase out, you just get ready.” Lexa tells her and something about it makes Clarke’s heart feel like it might escape from her chest with the speed that it seems to be moving inside of her.

She has never felt so much all at once, only ever when she is with Lexa is she overwhelmed by the affection that surfaces through her. “Don’t fall back asleep.” She teases lightly and giggles as she dodges a pillow Lexa tosses in her direction. She escapes in the bathroom, unscathed by the pillow and a soft smile on her face that she catches in her bathroom mirror.

It makes her stop a moment, because she’s never truly looked at herself in love before. Not quite in this way. She always thought she’d look more burdened than she actually does, more… troubled with the thoughts of no longer being able to protect her own heart, from so willingly giving it away and placing it in the hands of someone else. But she doesn’t look like that at all. She looks happier than she thought she would.

She thinks she wouldn’t even mind if Lexa were to break her heart over and over again.

 

 

The drive toward the airport was quiet, the sun just coming up and sleep still trying to ebb its way into them both. It wasn’t uncomfortable; silence normally wasn’t when she was with Clarke. Sometimes it was just nice to sit and listen to her heart beat as they lay down, not particularly tired but not really in the mood to speak. Communicating was always easy with her when it came to the simple things, not communicating was even easier. There was just a comfort between the both of them that they both knew was there, that they both knew they couldn’t deny themselves by this point.

As they grow closer and closer to the airport Lexa gets the urge to just turn the car around, but of course she wouldn’t do that. Not to Clarke, who is really excited about this movie. She’s going to miss her though, after these last months of things being so rough, it’s been nice for things to not be that way and Lexa is afraid that if she goes it’ll ruin whatever they’ve healed.

Perhaps the fear is illogical, no it most likely is. She’s gone three months to shoot a movie.  They’ve been apart before, there’s no tension stuck between them unresolved as she goes to leave, but Lexa fears lots of things. She supposes she’ll just have to get over it.

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice is thick, the way it often is when it’s touched with tiredness and Lexa’s heart immediately stutters over the tone as she is pulled from her own head, glancing beside her at the beautiful blonde girl who is already gazing at her. She’s giving her that look again, that really important one, and Lexa’s _“I love you”_ I trying to spill off her tongue at just a glance at it.

“Yes?” She asks after a moment, eyes back on the road even though she wishes she could stare at Clarke forever. It’s truly a sight she will never grow tired of and Clarke was always so adorable when she was sleepy. Heavy eyelids, a glitter to those pretty blues that isn’t often there. The sunlight always shined against her hair just right as well, sunshine wrapping around her like Clarke Griffin is the sky itself and Lexa isn’t sure how it’s possible to stop staring at her once she’s started.

“Was the TV off when we left?” Clarke asks gently and Lexa finds that she has to think for a moment because she herself isn’t sure. It’s a silly question, even if it wasn’t, Lexa will be back to her apartment and can turn it off then.

She shrugs after a few minutes pass of utter silence. “I can’t remember, I think so.” She finally offers with a raise of one of her eyebrows, her eyes staying on the road as she mulls over the motions they had went through before leaving Clarke’s apartment for the airport. The television on or off was the last thing on their minds.

“Will you check for me? I left it on last time.” Clarke says with a sigh, her voice a bit huskier than normal and Lexa is momentarily distracted by it, her tone rushing in thoughts she’s been trying to force out all morning.

Not thinking about Clarke Griffin in that way has become nearly impossible. She manages to clear her head to register what the blonde had uttered to her and she finds herself fairly confused about it. She tightens her grip on the steering wheel as she speeds up in Clarke’s car a bit. “Last time?” Her tone is inquisitive as she tries to think of the last time Clarke had left for a trip like this. Maybe last Christmas? She isn’t sure.

Clarke nods and turns her head to look out the window on her side as the airport comes into view. “I hate early flights.” Clarke huffs slightly and Lexa smiles over at her, reaching across the space to grab her hand without much thought to it. She pushes back the questions in her brain to focus on her best friend, who is soon to leave her sight for a while and the dread of it seems to sink her heart to her stomach. Their fingers tangle together as she pulls off the highway and Clarke releases the biggest sigh she can in the space of her small vehicle, filling the silence with noise.

“Oh look, the cameras are here before us. Fucking vultures.” Clarke grumbles as she waves her hand out the window, picking up on a nice crowd of people aligned at the entrance of the airport. Lexa has never been a big fan of them either, but Clarke really hated them with a passion. It always dropped her mood some when she noticed them flashing from bushes or trailing behind them when they go get a coffee. It even did good to ruin Clarke’s peaceful disposition she had been in before they arrived, her shoulders already tensing and her grip on Lexa’s hand growing tighter.

“Clarke,”

“Mmm,”

“Want me to go around back?” She grins at the blonde as she stares daggers at the searching eyes of the paparazzi. They’re looking for her, that’s why they’re there. The airport is sometimes a campout spot, but people definitely have news on Clarke leaving today. Lexa is worried that the blonde should start upping her security but doesn’t exactly bring that up in this moment. She’s sure Clarke will when she feels she needs too.

Clarke waves her hand. “What’s the point, let’s just fight them.” The blonde grunts and flexes her fingertips against Lexa’s, fiddling with her hands the way she does quite often whenever they are close like this.

“My karate skills are a bit rusty.” Lexa teases with a soft grin that she knows she only ever gives Clarke, and is rewarded by the cute little snort she always does when she’s trying not to laugh. Lexa’s heart feels fuller than normal when she glances at her, and the words again are on the tip of her tongue, wanting to fall out of her mouth uncaring of why she should be more careful with them.

“Ha, ha, funny.” She hits Lexa’s arm lightly, playfully, as the brunette searches for a parking spot. Her grin is beautiful and easy and her mind is clearly on other things than just the paparazzi surrounding the building. Lexa just gazes at her after she’s pulled the car into park in a spot rather close to the door, and can’t help that the dread in her stomach grows as she knows she will have to say goodbye to her when all she wants is to be with her.

She wishes Clarke didn’t have to go after things between them have been so rough. “I’ve got your bag,” Lexa tells her as she pulls the keys from the ignition and Clarke nods her head, pushing the door open and closing it nearly the same time as Lexa. She reaches in the backseat for her carry-on as Lexa pops the trunk and pulls Clarke’s suitcase from it.

“Look at that they haven’t seen us yet.” Clarke grumbles as she rounds the car to stand beside her, Lexa sets the suitcase down and pulling the handle up so she can comfortably roll it. Clarke reaches for her hand almost instantly the moment Lexa reaches it out to her, their fingers tangle together and Clarke’s fingertips fiddle with her own as they begin to walk toward the doors.

They probably shouldn’t hold hands in front of cameras, but Lexa isn’t going to care about it if Clarke isn’t going to care about it.

They are silent as they pull up to entrance of the airport, the sunglasses Clarke had placed on her face aren’t enough to disguise her and Lexa’s cap is backwards so it doesn’t do much good for that either, and they are surrounded almost immediately as they step up toward the doors. The flashes are a bit blinding, but Lexa is being more guided by Clarke as they grow closer to the building. The group of people asks a lot of question, personal as always, and Lexa tightens her grip on Clarke’s hand just to give her comfort, Clarke always hates being surrounded by them and Lexa can’t say that she much likes it either.

They enter quickly and are followed by some of the flashy cameras. Clarke does her best to ignore it as they go through the motions required of them to finally get to the terminal. Clarke’s hand parts from hers for good as Clarke throws her arms around Lexa’s shoulders and pulls her as close as she can get her, uncaring of their surroundings and Lexa falls into the embrace, burying her face against the blonde’s neck and taking in her scent as her arms fold around her waist and hold her body tightly to her own.

She can feel her heart beat against her. “Don’t forget to check the TV.” Clarke whispers in her ear quietly and Lexa chuckles with a nod, pulling back so she can look at her favorite person before she leaves for a while. She reaches up with her right hand to brush some of the strands of Clarke’s lovely blonde hair out of her face, before she pushes her glasses up onto her head so she can look at her favorite eyes.

They call Clarke’s flight and the blonde huffs. “Okay,” She leans up and kisses the corner of Lexa’s mouth again and the brunette sucks in a deep breath as the feeling of it surfaces through her chest and makes her heart ache. “I love you; I’ll be back before you know it.” The blonde winks as she pulls away and slowly releases the brunette, putting too much space between them for Lexa to actually like.

She misses her already and she’s not even gone.

It is silent a moment between them as Lexa thinks over their goodbye and all the things she wishes she could say and do at this time. Clarke’s eyes are big and a bit watery but Lexa knows it’s because it’s morning and Clarke is always a bit emotional in the mornings. Lexa thinks of the plants she’s going to water for Clarke while she’s gone and goes to tell her about it but stops short of saying anything as she thinks over Clarke’s other request in her head. The television thing, she keeps thinking about it and finds herself saying “You left it on last time?” like the significances of if Clarke did or did not leave her television on really matters. Clarke nods with a sigh, adjusting her carry-on bag as her eyes wander toward the cameras still snapping their private moment together.

“I went to see my brother around October was it? I can’t remember but I left the television on.” She rolls her eyes at herself. “You can stay there whenever you want, if you can’t sleep.” Clarke tells her even though she doesn’t need to be told, she already knows that. She already knows she has permission to stay at Clarke’s whenever she wants. She is distracted as her thoughts run rapidly through her head.

_Clarke had gone to see her brother… Clarke had gone to see her brother._

The blonde smiles at her, reaches up to kiss the corner of her mouth again and turns toward the terminal. And then it hits. It’s a giant wave of _“no duh”_ all over her head and she almost swears it’s visible as “Clarke wait,” rips from her throat with a pounding heartbeat, all the clues setting into place as the blonde turns to look at her expectantly.

There’s no point in telling her now, she doesn’t even have the letter on her to give, and she hadn’t wanted to do it like that. She’s so stupid, maybe she’s just too afraid of whatever this is and that’s why she had convinced herself that Clarke was home that night. Of course Clarke wasn’t home; she would have opened the dumb door whether she felt the same way or not. She’d never leave her waiting, that’s not who Clarke is. “Yeah?” They call the blonde’s flight again and Lexa looks up as if panicked.

She stares at her too long, it’s almost suspicious and the raise of Clarke’s eyebrows only makes Lexa’s palms sweat more. She can’t tell her now, there’s no point. She has to leave, she doesn’t have the letter, she can’t tell her without the letter, the letter says everything she can manage out loud.

Instead she settles. “I love you too.” She tells her and she says it louder than she probably should, and her tone cracks and the smile on the blondes face is wide once she does say it, as if she’s been waiting this whole time to hear it, or maybe that’s just how Lexa sees it she isn’t sure by this point. All she knows it that Clarke has no idea how she feels, Clarke hadn’t been home and she is stupid forever thinking that she was home in the first place.

“I’m coming home.” She rolls her eyes as if Lexa is dramatic. “Bye Lexa.” She waves at her one last time before disappearing and Lexa watches her go, her heart racing as she does so. It’s not that her window of time is closing, she doesn’t even have the letter on her, but her heart still acts as if this was her only chance and it still sinks as the doors close like she had just lost it.

She knows she hasn’t but three months is a long time to wait to tell someone you’re in love with them.

 

***

 

“Hello,” Lexa’s voice comes muffled through the receiver and Clarke releases a long heavy sigh of relief as she hears it. She’s been trying for about ten minutes and Lexa hadn’t answered her. She figured if she called enough she’d by pass the unknown number and eventually pick up but it sure did take her long enough. In the long run, she probably should have just texted her first, but her brain had been a bit fried this day. The jet leg and work she’s been putting in was wearing on her quickly, and she was sure her brain wasn’t functioning quite right. Lexa’s voice feels practically like medicine.

“It’s Clarke, I got a new phone.” She rushes out in a tired grumble, in hopes that Lexa won’t just randomly hang up on her. Logically she won’t, but Clarke’s heart feels tight as she hasn’t seen her in a week and she’s already having strong withdrawals when it comes to sleeping, even if her and Lexa are apart on much better terms then they have gone through before.

“Took you long enough.” Lexa chuckles and Clarke’s heart does that thing it always does whenever she hears the sound of it.

She misses her, it’s only been a week but she wishes she could see her and fall asleep in her arms like she had been doing beforehand. “Merry Christmas,” She tells her gently and listens to Lexa’s chuckle again, closing her eyes and relaxing in her bed to embrace the noise. She’s probably ridiculous; everything about her and Lexa is kind of ridiculous. But she loves this woman and missing her is always going to be a part of that.

“It’s not quite Christmas yet.” And her voice sounds so soft and heavenly even with the static and slight cut through the speakers every once in a while. She sounds perfect and she almost tells Lexa that. She almost tells her of how her voice is like medicine and how she can’t imagine hanging up when she can finally hear her breathe in her ear after a long week of not talking to her at all.

“Close enough, please talk my ear off while I fall asleep, I miss you so much.” She grumbles as she snuggles into a rather large pillow, looking for comfort in it that only Lexa can often provide her. Nothing she has smells like her and maybe she’s being a bit clingy on this night, but she’s exhausted and her brain is struggling to function, so she’ll blame it all on that.

“Okay, guess what Anya got Raven for Christmas.” Lexa’s voice is gossipy and happy and so fucking beautiful.

“A girlfriend, particularly her?”

“Not quite, close,” Lexa laughs and Clarke feels the smile attach to her face before she can even stop it as the sound statics its way across the receiver. “It’s one of those really big stuffed animal kind of things and in its lap is a heart pillow with a little box and guess what’s in the box?” Lexa’s voice continues to carry, every breath Clarke can hear and she struggles to keep her eyes open as she listens to her speak.

“Something expensive?” Clarke asks curiously which erupts another chuckle from Lexa’s chest. She can only imagine what Lexa may look like right now, her head tipping back with the force of her laughter. Her hair probably down in lovely long brown strands, wavy and beautiful. Maybe Lexa’s even in her old sweater shirt she had gifted her, maybe that’s all she’s in.

Clarke forces her eyes open as she tries to rid herself of the tempting image. “Yeah, something super expensive, it cost like a billion dollars, okay that’s an exaggeration, but you get the point. Does Raven even wear necklaces?”

“She may not be flashy, but she has her moments. She’ll probably melt over it; she’s a big softie at heart.” Clarke rolls over taking the rather large pillow with her as she flips on her other side, letting her eyes drift shut slowly again after she’s sure the image of a half-naked Lexa is been pushed to the cobweb parts of her brain.

“I totally forgot you would know,” Lexa teases and Clarke’s eyes open to glare at the wall across from her. Her hotel room had hideous walls. It was a nice place but the color scheme was rather disgusting, a nice vomit green to remind her of loneliness and throwing up.

“That was a long time ago,” She playfully snaps back as Lexa chuckles.

“I know, I’m just kidding, I got you a Christmas present.” Her swift change of subject is to keep her out of trouble, and Clarke is too tired to call her out on it playfully like they do, so she instead lets it happen. Her eyes shutting of their own accord again as she thinks over Lexa’s words.

“Did you?”

“Mhm, it’s under your tree you insisted on having up even though you won’t be home tell the first of March.” There’s a heavy chuckle that Lexa releases that distracts Clarke from her more innocent thoughts of presents, but she opens her eyes again to will them away. She isn’t sure why it’s so hard. Perhaps the boundaries they have crossed already has just made the tension unbearable, perhaps she’s grosser than she originally thought she was. She just wishes she could stop with the wanting for a while; it’s bound to seep through in her actions at some point.

“And you will leave it up because I’m having Christmas with you when I come home.” She informs the brunette sternly, her eyes still shut as she adjusts against the large pillow. It’s not enough really, it’s not Lexa, it’s not the body she needs to fall asleep against, but she manages to convince herself that at least with Lexa’s breath in her ear it’ll be enough for the night.

“And Raven and Anya and,”

“You.” Clarke interrupts and smiles widely as Lexa chuckles again.

“Also, I have three presents under your tree for me and I’m staring at them now.” She hears a shaking and Clarke sits up in her bed with her eyes popping open before her body can properly protest the action.

“Hey, hey don’t shake all of them.” She tells her immediately and she can practically feel Lexa’s smile even from all the distance that lies between them. She wishes she could feel it, wishes she could see it as she lies next to her in bed. She wishes this large pillow was Lexa’s body and when she lies back down against it she could hear her heartbeat.

“And I can’t open them until March?” Lexa’s tone is a bit whiny and Clarke can’t help the surge of affection that shoots through her at the sound. It’s adorable, so adorable that she’s biting her lip to keep the confessions of her heart on her tongue, rather than letting it escape so late into her night and so early into Lexa’s evening.

“You can open one on Christmas, the blue package.” She’s feeling soft and in love, so she relents a bit.

“No fair.” Lexa teases and Clarke smiles again, widely even though Lexa is not there to see it.

“It’s perfectly fair, I want to see you when you open them otherwise, what’s the point?”

“Maybe I could open them, re wrap them after Christmas and then repeat the same face when your here?” Her voice is all conspiratorial and beautiful and Clarke can’t help the heavy laugh that escapes her as she adjusts against the large pillow and lets her eyes open to wander patterns into the hotel ceiling.

“Nice try Woods, no.” She states firmly, smiling wider as she hears Lexa’s deep sigh of disappointment.

 _Such a child._ “Fine,” Her tone is light and she slowly dives into other things about her day, about just random stuff and eventually Clarke’s sure she falls asleep, just to her humming a tune of something familiar into the phone. She sleeps peacefully that night.

 

 

Lexa’s Christmas is as eventful as ever. Anya’s parents stop by this year, bearing gifts for everyone and they have a big dinner, the kind that Lexa always enjoys. There’s lots of prying into Anya’s life and even a bit of Lexa’s, though she manages to dodge the many questions about Clarke successfully. Anya isn’t so lucky, she averagely isn’t. Her mother and father mean well but they can be quite pushy about that part of her life.

Which in turn sends Anya into a fit about how she has a girlfriend and they can lay off her back now but she doesn’t actually have a girlfriend so that seems to only intrigue them more, which leads to Raven actually showing up at Anya’s apartment, bearing her own gifts, and a charismatic smile as she jumps into the roll willingly, though Lexa is sure it has more to do with the fact that both of the girls would rather have that situation be real. Anya’s parents are hooked to Raven instantly, approving of her quickly in a way that shocks both Anya and Lexa. It’s a better Christmas; the only thing missing from it is Clarke.

By 2 A.M. it’s 10 A.M. where Clarke is and she calls her to wish her a late merry Christmas, since she hadn’t been quite able to call her last night, only being able to send off a few texts back and forth. Clarke is excited when she picks up the phone and Lexa can’t stop the smile that fights its way onto her face as she listens to Clarke explain her Christmas to her. There’s lots of noise in the background and Lexa figures she must be working but she lets Clarke talk until she tells her she has to go and get back to work.

She falls asleep only thinking about Clarke.

 

***

 

Clarke spends New Year’s with her cast mates, and they drink too much like Clarke would normally do on New Year’s. She dodges a kiss from a guy after the countdown reaches one and thinks about what Lexa is doing when she finally stumbles back to her hotel room.

She drinks more when she’s alone but not because she’s sad, only because she wishes to celebrate further, by herself or not. It’s edging on four in the morning when she calls Lexa, her thoughts in a muddle and her skin feeling warm, but she isn’t sure if that’s from the alcohol or from the origin of her thoughts.

Lexa answers her on the second ring and she as well seems a bit giggly but Lexa tells her she’s only a bit tipsy from the wine she’s had. She tells her how simple their party is. She tells her how she misses her and she listens to Lexa giggle at all of her responses because Clarke is really wasted and all her words seem to slur.

“Are you home?” She asks her and Clarke giggles at the question for no good reason.

“Not home, hotel room.” She corrects, gripping the side the couch as she pushes her jeans down. “I’m undressing,” She informs her and smirks at Lexa’s giggle as she kicks her jeans the rest of the way off of her body and begins her decent to her bed.

“It’s what, four in the morning for you and you’re just now undressing?”

“I’ve had a busy night,” Clarke tells her casually. “What are you wearing?” The blonde giggles at herself as she asks it and Lexa seems to only chuckle in response.

“What do you want me to be wearing?”

“Nothing.” Clarke slides off her button up and lets it fall to the ground, unhooking her bra and climbing into her bed without much thought of pulling anything else on.

Lexa’s breath is heavier in her ear than it had been before. “Okay,” She tells her hesitantly.

“Okay you’re wearing nothing?” Clarke again smirks, closing her eyes to imagine it. Her brain travels back to July, with Lexa’s hands urgent on her body, and forgotten clothes on her floor.

“Yeah,” She thinks about that night like she often does, and all the places it could have gone when it didn’t. She tries to ignore the warmth growing between her legs as she pulls the blanket over her body and snuggles into the large pillow she has often been finding comfort in.

“I wish I could touch you.” Clarke tells her honestly and feels a heavy sigh leave her as she listens to Lexa breathe against her ear. She is so gorgeous, every piece of her and Clarke can’t help that her thoughts are there, thinking about the curves of her body and the feel of her skin. What it would be like to touch her with no barriers and nothing in the way. She wonders about the noises Lexa would make while she was falling apart and she presses her thighs together after the thought creates a twist her stomach and warmth between her legs that’s becoming harder to ignore.

“I wish you could too.” Her voice is breathy, much in the same way that it gets whenever Clarke has her hands in her hair and her mouth on her neck. She loves that sound; she wishes it wasn’t covered by static and so much distance. If Lexa were here with her she’d give up worrying about thoughts she’s not supposed to have and just finally give in to them. Desire is such a hard thing to fight, and why should they fight it if they both seem to want the same thing?

“Lex, where are you?” She asks as she holds the pillow tighter against her.

“I’m home, lots of people are here but I’m in my room.” And if she listens closely she can hear the faint noises of music in the background, but it seems muffled and quiet. Lexa really must be alone, at least for now and it conjures up an image in Clarke’s head that she can’t force to the back of her mind.

“You should enjoy your party.” Clarke tells her, even though it’s the opposite of what she wants to say. She wants to say all kinds of things that aren’t appropriate for a phone conversation; she wants to stop pretending that she doesn’t want her and to dip her hand into the achingly wet place between her legs.

But now is not the time and they’re both certainly not in the right place. “Clarke,” Lexa’s voice cracks and the blonde squeezes her eyes closed tightly as she listens to it. “Are you sure?” She whispers and the blonde wants to tell her no, that’s not what she wants.

She wants to tell her that she wants her to stay on the line until she comes, that she wants to spend the rest of the night and tomorrow morning hearing her breathe and listening to her talk. She wants to tell her how badly she wants to make love to her and how desperately she is in love with her.

But she doesn’t say that. She doesn’t say any of that. “I’m sure baby, call me tomorrow.”

There’s a second of hesitance on Lexa’s end and Clarke almost hopes she’ll ask her not to go, that she too wants all the same things and its okay and alright to think this way. Instead she just says, “Goodnight Clarke, I love you.” And the blonde accepts it, smiling as the words filter their way through her head.

“I love you.” She says before the line goes dead, and then she places her phone on its charge and lays it on the nightstand table beside her, leaning back into her bed and letting her thoughts wash through her as she tangles her hand down her body, feeling what she wishes she could feel on Lexa, moaning her name drunkenly as she works through her own frustrations.

She sleeps like a baby afterwards.

 

***

 

“Lexa answer your door.” The brunette hears as she tangles her hair up and rushes for the door. She tugs at her sweater over her head and adjusts her sweats to keep them on, as she hadn’t been wearing anything and she couldn’t answer the door like that. She wasn’t expecting company anyway; it was 10 o’clock at night.

“I’m coming!” She shouts as she finally reaches it, pulling the door open and is immediately pushed aside by her friend. She releases a huff as her back hits the wall and an uncomfortable heat lies in her body that begins her frustration, though she tries to wash it down as she knows Anya wouldn’t be here if she didn’t seem to need something.

It takes her by surprise but she doesn’t say anything yet as she shuts the door behind her and locks it. She turns wandering into her home to find Anya stretched out across her couch with a hand in her hair and looking quite stressed out. “Why the hell weren’t you answering?” She scolds her as if she was a little child, something Anya often does so she’s quite used to it. Her tone is rough and horse as if she’s been speaking for hours and it has Lexa’s eyebrows knitting together curiously as she pushes aside her own discomfort.

“I was on the phone, in the back room. I didn’t hear you at first.” It’s a lie but it’s a good and simple one that won’t hurt anyone. Anya seems in a mood, it’s not like she’s about to pry.

“Clarke again? You talk to Clarke all the time.” Her friend groans and flips over on the couch and buries her face into one of the couch pillow cushions as Lexa’s face seems to flame before she can stop it. Thankfully Anya isn’t looking at her and she won’t have to admit what she was actually doing because of things she can’t stop thinking about that do involve Clarke.

Lexa tries not to squeak as she furthers her lie. “Not Clarke actually. My manager. What’s got you like this?” She wanders fully into the room and rounds the couch to look down at her friend, whose face doesn’t come up from the pillow cushion. She bites her tongue to hold back a laugh at her friend’s obvious dramatic behavior. “Alright, I’ll go grab some alcohol, but expect to talk when I get back.” She informs her sternly, much in a tone Anya would use on her if the situation was reversed.

“No alcohol, no matter how nice it sounds.” Anya grumbles into the cushion and Lexa this time cannot stop the laugh that escapes her. She lifts Anya’s legs and sits beside her as the girl stays buried in the cushions, not even peeking as she feels Lexa’s hands on the back of her legs.

“Anya, what happened?” She asks her curiously. Lexa watches her as she flips so she can look at Lexa but manages to stay in her lying down position, her stress clearly evident on her features, Lexa can see it everywhere. She isn’t often like this; averagely Anya is very good at hiding the emotions from ever surfacing on her face. Whatever it is, Lexa knows it’s serious.

“I might have done something stupid.” Anya says after a moment, her eyes moving to the ceiling to stare at it like it could possibly change time.

Lexa’s eyebrow shoots up curiously before she can stop it. “What?”

“I pulled a you.” Anya’s hands slide into her hair as she says it out loud, a small whine to her voice that Lexa isn’t used to hearing ever come from her.

“A me?” She says with slight confusion.

“Yeah, you and Clarke back and forth and you with your run away thing and get mad when someone tells you they want to be with you.” Anya’s words are slurred together as they come out fast and her hands move with her tone and Lexa tries hard to keep up with her, keeping her brain on the subject at hand as she focuses on her friend.

“Oh?” Lexa’s eyebrow rises upward. Perhaps she should be offended but she knows she does that, and she knows how her and Clarke’s relationship is so very messy at times. Besides Anya doesn’t mean to offend her, she’s here in a panic and from what Lexa is slowly gathering, it’s clearly about Raven.

“Yeah, I definitely pulled a you.” Anya grunts and Lexa finds herself frowning down at her friend.

“Well fix it then, what are you doing here?” The brunette says with a slight chuckle but immediately lets it die as Anya glares at her.

“Here’s the stupid thing.” Anya props up on her elbows. “I basically told her I’m in love with her and then I ran away? Me. I’m the one that ran away and I confessed. How stupid is that?”

“You told who that? Raven?” Lexa asks as Anya rolls her eyes.

“Keep the fuck up Woods you’re smarter than that.”

“I’m sorry, okay, so you told Raven you’re in love with her,”

“I might have told her that.”

“And then you ran away immediately after saying it?”

“Well I said I might be and then I just turned and ran away.”

“And you came here?” Lexa can’t help the laugh that bubbles impossibly in her throat, letting it out as she collapses against the couch. She tries to get herself to stop as Anya slaps her but it feels nearly impossible. Why would Anya come to her about this when she’s so terrible about all of it as well? “I would tell you that Costia is better at this stuff than me but I prefer to be the favorite.” Lexa says smugly as she adjusts, holding onto Anya’s legs as the girl sits all the way up.

She lets her laughter die down as Anya continues to glare daggers at her. “Stop joking with me, tell me what to do?” She snaps eventually after Lexa seems to have a handle on herself.

“What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know.” Anya’s hands are back in her hair as she collapses against the couch again and Lexa can’t help but snort out a bit more of laughter, though she manages to maintain it when Anya shoots her another glare. She can’t help but think it’s funny; they both must be hopeless at this kind of thing.

“Okay, did she yell after you, did you out run her? Did she just let you go? What happened?”

“She called after me but I just kept running.” Anya grunts out of pure frustration, as if even recalling the incident is too much to bear. Lexa manages to not laugh again, despite the feeling burning in her chest and focuses on keeping her expression serious so she can provide the comfort to her friend that the woman seems to need.

She pats at Anya’s knee with one of her hands. “Anya if you want to be with her it’s okay. She seems to feel the same way, just go talk to her.” She offers up the best advice she can manage, thinking thoroughly about what Costia might say if she were here instead. She really was much better at all this stuff.

“Go talk to her? That’s rich coming from you.” Anya grunts and Lexa’s slight smile seems to vanish from her face.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Lexa asks offensively.

“Confessing your feelings to a door? You are hopeless.” Anya shakes her head, her own smirk flitting its way across her face as Lexa rolls her eyes.

“Excuse me; you know how hard it is for me to say anything at all.” She snaps, huffing slightly as she leans back into the cushion, crossing her arms along her chest. It may have not been her brightest moment but she was in an emotional place. She’s working on what she’ll do to fix it, she’s figuring it out.

“Are you going to try again now that you know she wasn’t home dumbass?”

“Fuck you, we’re not talking about me right now. We’re talking about you. My shit aside.” Lexa motions with her hands as if that will cause Anya to take her more seriously.

The slightly older girl begins to pout, as if she’s a child. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Yes you do, that’s why you’re here.” Lexa pushes at her knees to grab her attention.

“I don’t think she feels like that toward me Lexa.”

“How do you know if you ran away before she could even answer you?”

“I’m scared.” Anya says truthfully, her voice cracking slightly. “I’ve never felt this way before it’s so…”

“Scary, I know.” Lexa sighs heavily. “But it’s okay. You know what Costia would say? She’d say to get up, go to her, and if she rejects you then we’ll work through it. But at least try first.” Lexa offers her sincerely, going over the conversation she had, had about Clarke with Costia beforehand. It was still good advice, even if Lexa had thought that ended in disaster.

“That does sound like something Costia would say.” Anya huffs in response, her eyes still gazing at the ceiling as her hands rest in her hair. She’s looking less stressed as time seems to pass and Lexa offers her comfort and the brunette is glad, hoping her friend will work up the courage to go after what she most wants.

“Come on, get up, go get your girl.” Lexa pushes Anya’s legs off her lap so they hit the floor and she pulls herself from the couch, reaching down toward Anya to offer her help up.

“Why didn’t you just marry Costia so she could be here too and I didn’t have to choose homes, you know I’ll always choose yours.” Anya grumbles playfully as she grips Lexa’s hand and pulls herself into a sitting position.

“I’ll just pretend to be Costia whenever you come over with your problems.”

“Fine, marry outside the group.” Anya teases and Lexa laughs as the slightly taller girl pulls herself from the sofa completely and stands up beside her.

“It’s going to be okay Anya, even if it doesn’t feel like it.” Lexa encourages, smiling at her friend to offer her the right amount of comfort and walks Anya to the door, rather slowly as the older girl seems to trudge a bit, dragging it out for as long as she possibly can. Lexa just lets her, knowing how hard it is to work up the kind of courage something like this takes, even if Anya is already halfway to her goal, having already admitted her feelings.

Anya waves her off, but she knows her words help as her friend looks at her, throwing her arms around her to hug her tightly before she leaves. “Stay by your door please.” She says in that scolding tone before Lexa can close the door on her.

The brunette only nods with a soft. “You bet,” leaving her lips. She flips the lock and lets out a heavy sigh as she walks further into the living room, almost sure Anya won’t be back tonight she heads into the direction of her bedroom, stripping at her clothes as she goes. She had been in the middle of something and she’s going to finish it hopefully, with no more interruptions.

 

 

“Okay, slow down.” Clarke passes a bill across the counter as she grabs her coffee and holds her phone between her shoulder and her ear. “I can’t understand you through the blubber.” She adjusts and holds her phone in her right hand as she sips at her coffee, listening to her friend take in a few deep breathes as if to gain some amount of control of herself. Clarke would laugh at her if she didn’t realize how serious her friend seemed.

“Anya told me she loves me… I think.” She says more calmly and Clarke’s lips widen in a grin. It’s about time actually; she’s been wondering how long it would take those two to actually admit their feelings for each other. Then again, she wasn’t in the best place to judge, as her and Lexa really aren’t the best at talking either.

“That’s great!” She says enthusiastically.

“No it’s not because she ran away right after and won’t pick up her phone or answer my texts Clarke, like what the hell? I don’t know what to do either.” Her words move fast, slipping together again and the blonde feels her eyes roll before she can stop them. Raven always gets sloppy with her words when she’s feeling a bit emotional.

“She’s probably just scared. Give her some time to process.” Clarke sips her coffee again as she pushes the door open with her hip and is hit with a cold breeze of winter, shuffling under her scarf the best she can to fight the breeze. It really doesn’t help very much, but the warmth of the coffee does and she manages to hold it closer to her face than actually necessary, just to feel the heat.

“Scared? I’m fucking scared.” Raven sounds distressed and maybe even a bit upset. Then again, it’s no surprise that she would be, Raven and feelings aren’t always the best combination. She’s always been a more of a _“have fun”_ kind of girl. This was definitely new for her, not because someone has fallen in love with her but because she has fallen back. Clarke sighs slightly as she thinks of the best way to handle this.

“Do you love her too?” She asks as she looks at the ground to avoid the breeze of winter from making her eyes water, though it doesn’t work well and her vision blurs slightly as the breeze picks up. She focuses on not tripping and keeping the coffee close to her face as she awaits her friend’s confession, because that is really the first step into all of this.

“Of course I do, why do you think I’m so panicked?” Raven sasses at her and she holds her tongue from sassing back. She’s in a place, a feelings kind of place and Clarke needs to understand that and handle the situation with care, much in the same way Raven has always done and will always do for her. They’re good at this; they’re both the best at lifting each other up when they feel like they’ll never be able to stand again. She’s got this.

“Well give her a moment to process the choice she’s made and as soon as she comes to you just say it. Say it and don’t run away or look back. Just tell her exactly how you feel and what you want okay.” She offers as she sips at her coffee again, shivering slightly as she rounds a corner back to her hotel. Thankfully, they’re doing a night shoot today, so they don’t need Clarke’s attention until much later and she can focus on this very important issue and offer her friend her complete and undivided attention.

“That’s rich coming from you.” Raven scoffs and Clarke feels herself frown.

“Shut the fuck up, we’re talking about you. And to be very honest with you, I’ve already taken plenty of leaps and confessed plenty of things.”

“Plenty of leaps does not count when you never say exactly what you want to say to her.” Raven’s tone is scolding and Clarke finds that even though it’s hard to scowl with the cold whipping at her cheeks, she still manages it.

“Listen no; we’re not talking about me. You better do what I say or I’ll come home and hit you upside the head.” She tells her sternly, letting her tone slide into that bossy sound it gets whenever Raven is being stubborn with her.

The girl snorts on the other end, clearly not taking her seriously. “I’m so afraid of you Griffin,” She mutters out sarcastically and Clarke’s scowl deepens.

“You’re an ass.” She grumbles.

“Oh hold on,” She listens to Raven shuffle in the background. “Oh, I have to go.” And before explanation the line is cut off, dead and Clarke grunts out in frustration, pulling her phone from her ear and hitting end as well before releasing another grunt of annoyance as she crosses the street back to her hotel room.

 

***

 

“Hello beautiful,” Clarke sings into the receiver as she answers the phone. She turns down the volume of her television to listen to Lexa’s breaths in her ear as she watches the movements on her screen but keeps the volume too low to quite hear what the people are saying. She doesn’t care if Lexa is the one on the other line, she’d much prefer to listen to her.

“Oh I miss you.” Lexa says softly, her voice heavenly to Clarke’s ears as she listens to it, even if it’s muffled and static through the phone. She still sounds beautiful, she always sounds beautiful.

“One month, two weeks, one day and I think seven hours left.” Clarke informs her with a smile, as she shuffles her hands through her hair and pulls the strands from her eyes.

Lexa snorts amusedly. “Are you really counting?” Her voice is full of light and teasing and Clarke lets out a heavy sigh as she listens to her. She can’t wait to get home, of course she’s counting. The moment she can see her, listen to her laugh in person, watch her lips move as she speaks, is a moment she can barely wait for.

“I miss you.” Clarke pouts slightly with her explanation as she tries not to laugh at her screen when something funny happens, focused mainly on the sound of Lexa’s breathing in her ear than she is the show in front of her.

“I’m counting too, just not down to the hour, that’s dedication.” Lexa teases further and Clarke grins widely.

“Tell me about your day.” She opts for a change in subject, as if they stay on this one Clarke will fall into a sappy mess of explanation of why she would count down so thoroughly. She really can’t wait to see her again.

“Boring, I just called to listen to you breathe.” Lexa sighs heavily but it doesn’t take away from how Clarke’s heart seems to skip at just the thought of Lexa wanting to hear her breathe just as much as Clarke wants to hear Lexa breathe.

“I miss you so much.” She groans, leaning her head back against the couch as Lexa chuckles in her ear so her heart does that abnormal thing it does whenever she hears her.

“I watered your plant today, just so you know.”

Clarke sighs again. “I forgot about it.” She admits, and if she thinks about it, she often forgets about. In fact, she barely thinks about it. She doesn’t even remember what kind of plant it is, she just knows it sits on her windowsill mainly unattended too. She thinks it’s almost died once, but after Lexa started coming over it seemingly sprung back to life.

“You always forget about it, I’m usually the one watering it.” Lexa confirms with a laugh and Clarke can’t help the small smile that attaches to her lips at the sound of it. Lexa’s laughs are always quite infectious. She thinks the world misses out as Lexa doesn’t often laugh in front of many people.

“No wonder it’s not dead yet.”

“I am also in your bed right now because I can’t sleep.” She listens to Lexa adjust against the covers and imagines what she might look like while she lies there. Her brain for some reason, conjures the image of a half-naked Lexa, one she had left in her bed back in July, and she wonders now, if maybe Lexa is in much the same state.

She wishes she could touch her as much as she wishes she could stop thinking this way, but it’s as if she’s haunted by their almost. “Did you cook dinner?” Clarke asks as she leans back against the couch and closes her eyes, as if to focus on the image in her head of Lexa wandering around her kitchen, cooking, half dressed… She can’t seem to stop imaging the half-dressed part.

“I did, and I also cleaned your kitchen because it was far too dirty for my taste.” Another chuckle that makes Clarke’s heart skip a beat and her thoughts dissipate from the inappropriate path it had been on for a moment. She can imagine what Lexa looks like every single time she laughs and each time Clarke can’t help but wish she was there to actually see it because she knows how breathtaking of a sight it is.

“You’re such a dork, it was cleaned recently.” She teases to urge another chuckle from the brunette girl and smiles wider when it works.

“There was food stuck to the counter tops Clarke.” Lexa’s tone is scolding but Clarke can only smile at it, listening as her tone softens. She must be close to sleep, she must be so tired as where she is at it’s really quite late.

“Did you use your plates, I noticed before I left that you’ve added a few to my collection.” And she did notice that, the morning of her departure, as she had emerged from the bathroom and pulled out plates for them to eat on, noticing that few of Lexa’s special plates sit inside, the fancy ones with the different compartments.

“Yes, I used my plate, I quite like them. Though I don’t think you could really use them for fancy dinners.” Lexa seems to adjust in the bed, cutting out slightly and causing shuffling into the speaker but Clarke says nothing of it.

“I knew you would like them and not necessary true, we got you the fancy glass ones so you could use them for that.” Clarke smiles slightly as Lexa chuckles again and then sighs practically with her as the silence seems to surface between them for a moment. Not uncomfortable silence, just the silence they often do when they both spend time just listening to each other’s heart beats.

Lexa breaks the silence after a while. “I am also wearing the sweater you gave me, and it still smells like you.” She does that tone she does when she’s talking to her as if everything is a secret that only her and Clarke share and it makes the blonde’s heart leap into her mouth as she thinks of Lexa, in her bed, in her sweater, staring at her ceiling and she aches to be there with her. She aches to run her hands along her body, to listen to how her breathing changes when she kisses her. She aches to all of her thoughts and she has to take a second just to try and get ahold of herself.

“Lexa,” Clarke sighs heavily. “Come visit me.” She whispers quietly, like the request is forbidden to leave her tongue, even as it does.

_Lexa, come be with me._

“Visit, I can’t I’ve got a booked schedule.” Lexa probably pouts the same way Clarke does as she says her, her tone sounds whiny like she doesn’t want to turn her down and Clarke bites her lip to keep herself from begging for her to cancel her plans, just drop them and come to her.

“I wish my boobs weren’t too big for your sweaters.” She grumbles into the speaker, pulling her knees up to her chest on the couch as the show ends and switches to commercials. She isn’t sure what had happened in the episode, but she can’t much care as she hears Lexa’s breath catch slightly at her words.

“I’m never going to complain about the size of your chest Clarke.” And the blonde laughs, listening to Lexa’s chuckle as she does so.

“Of course you wouldn’t.” She feels her cheek heat up slightly and she wonders if maybe Lexa is blushing too. She probably is, a statement like that is bound to embarrass her a bit. She knows she has a nice chest, she knows Lexa stares at it sometimes when she wears low cut tops. Sometime she wears low cut tops just so Lexa will stare at her, she’s not about to admit that though.

“I’m so tired.” She whispers into her ear.

“Then go to sleep baby.” And there it is again, slipping off her tongue before she can stop it. Everything about the term feels intimate, and she wonders briefly if Lexa feels this way whenever she says the word as well? She wonders if Lexa feels how intimate it is whenever Clarke calls her that, the blonde wonders why she’s started calling her that. She’s sure now that she’s started she won’t be able to stop.

“Don’t hang up.” The brunette requests urgently, like she fears Clarke will actually cut her off before Lexa says goodbye to her. Clarke would never hang up on her.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” She tells her gently, and listens to Lexa’s breath grow slightly heavier as she seems to slowly slip. She talks softly in her ear while she does, tells her about her film and co-stars and all the stuff that’s been happening recently during shooting.

She talks until she’s sure that Lexa is asleep, and then she herself slowly falls asleep as well, on the couch, listening to Lexa’s breathing in her ear, even though it’s late into her morning, verging on afternoon.

 

***

 

“What do you mean you don’t want to go? Two years I haven’t been able to go and finally when I am able to you don’t want to go?” Anya stares down at her with crossed arms along her chest. She’s got her eyebrows raised as Lexa stares up at her innocently, pointing her remote to the television and clicking the Netflix button so her television changes to that option.

She didn’t want to go out; she wanted to stay in, drink wine, miss Clarke, and watch television. “I just want to stay home, please, I’m sorry. I thought you’d have a date with your girlfriend and,” Anya’s hand goes up to silence her and she closes her mouth with a raise of her eyebrow.

“I don’t know if she’s my girlfriend.” Anya grumbles at her and collapses against the cushion next to her, glaring at the television screen that idles on Netflix over Lexa’s name. Anya, Costia and her share an account, and each of their names sit there, Lexa’s is the second. She clicks on it even as Anya glares at it.

“What do you mean; I thought everything was working out?” Lexa asks curiously, turning her head to focus more on her friend rather than what she’s going to choose for them to watch. She hadn’t been updated one the speed of Anya and Raven’s relationship after that night her friend had come to her with her emotions, but she had figured things went well when Anya never returned to her, and didn’t seem to voice any concerns about it much in the days afterward.

“It was, I thought it was, I don’t know. She just said something about having fun the other day.” The slightly older girl grumps as she tightens her arms in the crossed position they now lie in. Her scowl has not changed from the television screen and Lexa thinks about turning it off so she can provide her with undivided attention. The only reason she doesn’t is because she knows how Anya really doesn’t like that kind of attention, and would much prefer to grump about it while their focus is half attached to something else rather than having Lexa’s sympathetic eyes on her completely.

“You’ve both literally looked each other in the eye and have said “I’m in love with you” and you’re trying to tell me she just wants to have fun with you?” Lexa raises an eyebrow up unconvincingly as she fits a look on her face that informs Anya that she thinks she’s being silly without actually saying that she thinks she’s being silly.

“You and Clarke say “I love you” all the time now and you don’t call each other girlfriends.” Anya fires back, finally fitting the scowl that she had reserved for the television on her instead of the screen.

Lexa scowls back. “That’s different.”

“Not really.” Anya singy-songs as Lexa’s glare becomes more firm once the older girl looks away from her back at the television screen that Lexa hasn’t bothered to focus back on to choose anything from.

“Yes it is.” She states firmly and watches her best friend roll her eyes.

“Whatever, what are we bingeing?” She scoots closer to her on the couch and allows her scowl to stay on the television as Lexa continues to glare at her.

“I don’t know,”

“Give me that you useless lesbian.” Anya snatches the device from her friend and scrolls through the options, her scowl and Lexa’s scowl are about the same now, almost as if they really are related and the brunette eventually relents and places it on the television screen while Anya scrolls. She goes through titles far too fast to actually be able to read any one of them and Lexa assumes that they will probably be spending awhile trying to choose.

“I have Wine.” Lexa announces excitedly to distract herself from both of their feelings and shoots up from her couch to run across the space toward the kitchen to grab her wine. Anya doesn’t protest as she comes back with glasses and fills them all the way up. She only laughs at her as she notices how much wine she places in the glasses, but sips it greedily as Lexa hands her one of the glasses.

“In the mood for it?” Anya teases as Lexa hums to the flavor of her favorite wine touching her tongue.

“I love this wine.” She states affectionately as she sips at it and hums in agreement each time, like every time she places her lips around the rim it’s the first time she’s ever tasted it.

 

 

“Clarke!” Lexa announces excitedly after the blonde picks up after the third call. Her tone is heavy with something but Clarke doesn’t quite realize that as she wanders her way into the lobby of her hotel room after a long day, finally able to relax. She hadn’t even completely realized it was Valentine’s Day until she had entered the building and was offered a “Happy Valentine’s” as her greeting.

She figures Lexa must be skating by now. “Hey gorgeous, how’s your Valentine’s, are you skating?” She asks, wondering if she’s using the new skates that had gotten her for her birthday last year. She wishes she could have gone with her this year or at least one year of all the time they’ve known each other, but it feels like life always gets in the way of that goal.

“I didn’t want to skate, I wanna skate with you.” Lexa informs her with a soft slur to her tongue and Clarke can’t help that cackle that leaves her as she jabs at the elevator button multiple times. She’s bone tired, having been up since four in the morning and having had barely any breaks and doing most of her own stunts for this movie, she really had her work made out for her. She hadn’t realized how exhausting it would be, but it’s exhausting in the best way.

“Oh someone’s a bit drunk.” Clarke teases and Lexa seems to copy her, unable to help her own giggle that fights it way through her throat. She’s always the cutest drunk. The slur of her words is almost elegant and she is always incredibly soft about everything she does. Making sure Clarke is safe is always her priority and Clarke can’t count the number of times that the brunette would whisper something extremely flirtatious in her ear after she’s had a bit of wine.

Clarke assumes Lexa just loves making her blush. “Just a little, I love you Clarke. Do you know how pretty I think you are?” Lexa’s tone is so soft, the way it always is when she’s drunk and Clarke can’t help the way her heart feels as if it will burst at just the thought of the blush on her cheeks from the alcohol and the soft touch of her hands on any piece of skin she’s allowed to touch if Clarke will let her.

 Just a couple more weeks, and soon she can be with her again. “Mm, where are you, are you being safe?” She asks only with slight concern. She assumes Lexa is, drunk or not drunk she’s rather responsible.

“Yes baby, I am home. Oh and Anya’s here, say hi Anya.” She hears a grunt in response to that, which must come from Anya and Clarke can’t help but chuckle a little at the thought of Anya handling drunk Lexa yet again, maybe she’s just as drunk but most likely not. The taller girl always preferred to take care of Lexa if she gets carried away with her alcohol. Clarke’s not too concerned about her safety if Anya’s there.

“Take care of yourself okay; I’m not there to do it.” Clarke tells her gently and listens to Lexa’s carefree giggle.

“I wish I could touch you.” She seems to pout and Clarke has to take in a deep breath as the elevator in front of her finally dings open and she rushes into it, pressing on her floor number and waiting entirely too long for the doors to close and pull her up. She cannot get to her room fast enough.

“You are very drunk.” She teases her and smiles as she hears Lexa’s carefree giggle again.

“Yeah, Clarke, do you miss me?” She asks as if she’s not sure that Clarke would and the blonde can’t help the laugh that escapes her as the question is asked. She can’t help but think it’s slightly ridiculous. She doesn’t know how Lexa wouldn’t know how much she does miss her, how much she aches to be with her every single day she opens her eyes and realizes they are an unfortunate distance apart.

_Only a few more weeks._

“Of course I do sweetheart, is Anya as drunk as you?” She asks anyway, pretty much already knowing the answer but just making sure that someone is there to care for her when she cannot be there herself.

“NO!” she hears in response. “I promise, just a little, I’ll take care of her.”

“I’m not a baby.” Lexa snaps at her friend, and she hears an “owe” from Anya before Lexa says “owe” into her ear and the blonde can’t help but roll her eyes because sometimes the pair were an awful lot like siblings more than anything else.

“You’re my baby.” Clarke teases back gently, and hears the struggle between the two girls dissipate.

“Mhm, I like that.”

“I can’t continue to talk Lexa, I just got off work and I’ve got to get some sleep, but I love you and I’ll call you in the morning, okay?” She doesn’t necessarily want to say goodbye, but she can feel the relief her body screams for as she slides her keycard into the door and the thing lights up green so she can shove it open and find her way inside, tossing her bag on the couch and the kicking the shoes off her feet.

“Okay baby, go sleep so you can go be talented.”

“Goodnight Anya.” She says as well and smiles at Lexa’s giggles and Anya’s grunt of acknowledgement.

“I love you Clarke.” Lexa says before she hangs up and Clarke is left with a smile plastered on her face as she makes her way to her bed. It’s always easier to fall asleep after she’s spoken to Lexa than it is on nights that she hasn’t spoken to her.

 

***

 

“Getting out of here early Clarke?” One of her cast mates, Echo, asks as Clarke begins to gather her things.

“Damn right, I’ve got to get home.” Clarke is running on urgency that she shouldn’t be. She won’t be able to make the plane fly faster, or the cars she gets in drive faster. She needs to chill out, she needs to not be in a rush, but the chance to get home early and surprise Lexa makes her heart feel like its trudging in her chest at a mile a minute and that just can’t be helped.

“To your girlfriend?” Echo asks with her eyebrows moving up and down suggestively as she as well packs up some of her own things from the set that she plans on taking home.

Clarke rolls her eyes but there’s a hint of a smile on her face nonetheless. “She’s not my girlfriend, but yes.” She huffs slightly, slinging her bag over her shoulder and looking over her cast mates features. “It’s been great working with you.” She says gently and watches as the girl in front of her softens at her words.

She was rather nice and Clarke is sure her time here wouldn’t have been as good without someone to talk to. “Stay in touch yeah? And hey, maybe you know, if she’s not your girlfriend and all, you’d go out with me sometime?” The girl asks innocently, not meeting Clarke’s eyes as she pulls her bag around her shoulder.

It’s cute, but Clarke’s heart has already been stolen. “Girlfriend or not she has my heart,” The blonde chuckles lightheartedly and is relieved by the soft smile that is returned to her by the girl in front of her. “Maybe another life?” She teases and laughs with Echo.

“Please, you’ll probably find her in every life.” Her cast mate chuckles and offers Clarke a light hug before she lets her go; their goodbye short lived as the blonde hurries to leave the premises. She gets stuck a bit longer, saying goodbye to more people and sticking around for dinner, but she eventually escapes, more than a little excited to be getting home early.

She had already packed up completely before she had left her hotel that morning, and her flight was in about thirty minutes so she was running a bit late to the airport. Check out was quick, thankfully and Clarke is at the airport right before time is up for her. She only lets out a breathe once she’s finally on the plane and watches out her window as she grows closer to home, more than ready to see the girl she loves after being so far away from her for what has felt like so long.

 

 

“When does Clarke come home, you’ve been cranky for a week and I’m tired of it.” Anya grunts as she watches Lexa push around the noodles in her bowl. There’s a pout on her face as her heart skips a beat at just the sound of the blonde’s name. She glares at her noodles however, and doesn’t offer Anya even a glance as she responds.

“Three days.” She grumbles slightly and wrinkles her nose as the noodles flop off her spoon back into the bowl in a disgusting fashion. She’s not going to eat them. It looks over done and there’s meat and carrots in the mix and she hates that, she really, really hates that. Why didn’t they just get pizza? Everyone knows they can’t go wrong with pizza. She and Clarke always get pizza.

“Why are you looking at it like that, you love noodles?” Anya seems as if she’s offended. Like she herself cooked the whole noodle dish just for Lexa and now that Lexa isn’t eating it, suddenly her purpose and time has been wasted. It’s really just what Anya does when she’s dramatic, but Lexa isn’t completely in the mood to joke with her.

“Not this kind, it’s got all the meat in it, and what’s this, a carrot? Anya why do people eat their food like this, carrots meat and noodles don’t need to ever be touching each other, they don’t belong together!” Lexa stress as she angrily shoves the bowl of noodles away from her as if it’s offended her greatly. In a sense it has, she can now not eat because these noodles are disgusting, and that’s offensive.

“Why did you dish any out if you didn’t want to eat it?” Anya scolds in that motherly tone she does and on this day, it just annoys Lexa, making her scrunch up her nose as she mimics her with and edge of attitude, which only highly annoys the girl across from her.

“I thought you just got the kind with the white sauce.” She says snappily and watches as Anya’s scowl deepens.

“The white sauce comes like that.” Her voice rises as she points at Lexa’s bowl with her own spoon, and then flops around her own noodles as if to prove her point. Lexa’s nose crinkles up as she watches it, and it looks an awful lot like slop, swishing around and being gross. Lexa wants no part of it.

“Not when I get it.” She informs her with an edge of childish attitude, crossing her arms along her chest as if she wasn’t a grown woman of twenty seven years.

“I’m sorry I was in a rush I didn’t make you a special order Miss cranky pants.” Anya snaps, slamming her hand down on the table.

“Don’t call me names.”

“For the love of Christ would you two shut up?” Raven collapses the remote in her hand against the coffee table, letting her eyes fall on the two girls who sit across from each other, picking at their dishes. “You’re both worse than Octavia and her brother and they literally fist fight each other every time they’re in the same room.” The brunette girl glares at them, with a hand rubbing at her temple as if to soothe a headache that both the girls have caused her.

“She misses Clarke too.” Anya rolls her eyes as if it’s explanation for Raven’s short temper.

“It’s three more days right?” Lexa asks to clarify and Raven sighs dramatically like three more days is a literal life time and it’s actually painful to wait that long. For Lexa is kind of feels that way, it seems the closer Clarke gets to coming home the farther away she feels and she can’t help that, that has worn down on her mood recently.

That and she’s frustrated in a way that can’t be resolved by arguing or Clarke’s hugs. Physically, it’s been awhile since she’s last been with someone and it’s finally starting to take its toll on her nerve endings. “Yes, three fucking days, but it feels like a century.” Raven grumbles as she collapses her head against the couch and Lexa doesn’t miss the eye roll Anya seems to do in response to her.

“She’s not dead, for the love of god you both were fine last week.” The slightly older girl informs them, as if they’re acting ridiculous.

“Would you shut up?” Lexa snaps.

“Both of you shut up, bickering my god.” Raven stands from the couch. “I’m going to get a donut from that over-priced place across the street, do you guys want anything?” She shuffles her fingers through her long hair and stares at them a moment when they don’t answer her.

“Don’t get any of the creamed ones because it always leaks out and touches everything.” Lexa finally offers up as she glances over her shoulder at the girl and watches as Raven nods, as if she already knew that.

“Yes queen Lexa.” She salutes her and Lexa finds her own eyes rolling as she turns in her chair to stare back down at her soup.

“I’ll go with you I know what she likes.”

“You both can’t come, just one.” Raven scolds them as if they’re small and she’s the mother who has just about had it with their behavior.

“Glazed Anya.” Lexa whines slightly as if she really is only a child.

Anya smiles at her affectionately. “I know.” She says sweetly and pats Lexa’s head as she stands and passes her toward Raven. “Eat the pizza left over in your fridge. If you aren’t going to eat the noodles you need to eat something.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Lexa waves her off and stands from her chair bringing her bowl with her back into the kitchen. The quiet leaves her with time to think about how slow time seems to slug along the closer Clarke gets to coming home, and she’s grumbling as she pulls out her phone, calling Clarke before she can really think about it.

Clarke’s phone is off however, going straight to voicemail and Lexa’s long defeated sigh erupts from her chest before she can stop it, collapsing against the counter as the robotic voice tells her to leave a message, before beeping in her ear to signal that it’s recording.

“Hey baby, you’re probably working. Don’t worry about calling me back; I just wanted to hear your voice. I miss you.” Lexa moves around in the kitchen and pulls her fridge door open to find the pizza Anya had spoken to her about before leaving. “I hope you’re having a good day, I love you Clarke.” And then she hangs up her phone, shoving it inside her jeans as she makes a grab for the pizza.

 

 

Clarke grumbled as she shoved her bag into the car she had called for herself. Lexa had planned to pick her up in her own car, that she had driven here beforehand, but since she was a few days early and Lexa had no idea, she had to work around that. The driver was nice enough and even listened to her about dodging the paparazzi that seemed to be there for another famous person. Clarke didn’t want to get caught by them when she was trying to surprise her… _not_ girlfriend.

“Home Ms. Griffin?” He asks once they’re safely on the road and Clarke contemplates for a moment, thinking about her bags. She can drive over to Lexa’s after and see her after she’s dropped off her things, no matter how impatient she feels and the way her heart protests the decision. She’s got time; she doesn’t know why she feels like she doesn’t.

“Yeah, sounds good.” She says and pulls out her cellphone, turning it on, watching it light up into life. She listens to her messages as her phone slowly notifies her of the few she has and reads her text messages, though she listens to Lexa’s last voice message a few times before she’s interrupting the drivers quiet with the clearing of her throat. “Actually Daniel, can you drop me off at Lexa’s? You remember where that is right?” She can’t help it, she can’t wait any longer. She has to see her, touch her, look at her smile, feel her breath against her ear rather than hear it.

“Of course I do Ms. Griffin; after all, I am Ms. Wood’s normal driver.” He flashes her a charming smile and the blonde can’t help but smile back at him even as her thoughts race with the excitement at seeing Lexa after being away from her for so long. She wonders what she’s doing right now, she hopes she’s home, she doesn’t actually know. She should call her and find out but she doesn’t want to ruin the surprise. She’d like to surprise her.

“Excellent, thanks Daniel.” The rest of the drive was quiet, only the sounds of other cars and noises on the street as they pass to accompany her. She fought the urge to text Lexa. She’ll see her soon, but something about the distance closing made time seem sluggish and the bounce of her knee is only an indication of her impatience. She can hardly wait to take in her scent and kiss the corner of her soft mouth, the way she has grown used to doing to keep her from fully kissing Lexa right on the mouth. She hopes she can resist that urge, as Lexa and her aren’t exactly in the stage of kissing right now. Not that Clarke really gets what stage they’re in, her and Lexa seem to make their own rules.

She huffs slightly as they stop at a red light and rolls down her window to try and see what street they’re on. “In a hurry?” Daniel asks after a moment, his eyes light and amused as he glances in the mirror back at her. She can’t find it in herself to be as amused as him as with each minute that ticks by she feels more and more impatient.

“Are we almost there?” She asks softly, unsure of why she has to be so exasperated. It’s not like the world is ending and she’s on a time limit, but she’s still in a rush. She still can’t wait, she still feels like it’s been forever and if she goes a second longer without feeling Lexa’s arms around her she might melt into nothing.

She needs to get a grip. “Yes.” He chuckles as Clarke lets the window roll back up, it’s still pretty cold outside and the breeze is a bit too much even though she’s eager to get to her destination. She taps at her knee impatiently as it bounces up and down, she’s even begun to count the buildings they pass to try and calm herself down. But each building that isn’t Lexa’s seems to make this feeling worse.

She forces herself not to hop out of the car when it’s pulled to the curb. She lets Daniel open the door for her and lets him pull the suitcase from the trunk and place it on the sidewalk beside her. “Have a goodnight Miss Griffin.” He tips his hat at her as she tips him and she gives him a smile before he’s driving off.

Clarke sucks in a deep breath and pulls the handle up to roll her suitcase, adjusting her other bag on her shoulder. She walks faster than she probably should, rushing toward Lexa’s door as quickly as she can. She knocks urgently and the wait feels far too long. Her heart picking up in pace as she stares at her door for what feels like a century.

Her heart feels like it stops when it opens and those pretty green eyes are looking at her, and her smile, that big smile she does whenever she sees her is on her mouth and Clarke can’t stop staring at it. She barely hears Lexa’s soft, “you’re back early,” before she’s rushing forward without much of a thought, rushing her hands through her hair and tugging on the back of her neck until their lips meet, and the kiss is rushed, full of Clarke’s desperation.

It takes Lexa only a few seconds before she’s responding, hands pressing to her lower back and pulling her close and against her body. Clarke’s breath catches as her hands press firmly into her back and her tongue swipes across her bottom lip. Clarke’s hands tighten in her hair as she opens her mouth for her and releases a soft moan the moment Lexa’s tongue slides into her mouth and touches her own. Heat rising in Clarke’s chest, rushing through her body and settling between her legs the longer her tongue brushes against Lexa’s.

She whines as Lexa pulls away from her, chasing after her kiss tell she can feel her lips again, and her smile against her mouth. “Let me close the door.” Lexa giggles and the sound is lovely to Clarke’s ears, her heart racing even faster as she pulls back from her briefly and lets her hands slide across the soft features of her face.

Lexa doesn’t take her eyes off of her, her hold tightening as she leans forward and pulls Clarke’s suitcase past the threshold. Her hand pushing at her door until it clicks shut and then she locks it, the tip of her nose brushing Clarke’s as she turns her head slightly and begins to push the straps of Clarke’s carry-on bag off her shoulders, being careful to set it gently on the ground as Clarke’s hands slide across the skin of her neck.

She slowly presses Clarke into the door and kisses her again, softer this time, though she’s persistent with her movements. Hands dig into her hips as Lexa presses her firmly into the door and Clarke can feel her touches everywhere, her own hands shaking as she grips her hair again and arches into her body to feel it completely against her own. Everything feels on fire. The longer they kiss the sloppier and more desperate their movements become and the warmer Clarke feels, sucking in her own breath every single time Lexa’s teeth close around her bottom lip.

She could kiss Lexa forever, but right now, she wants to do much more than just kissing.

Though she is distracted from her thoughts of ripping at Lexa’s clothes when the handle to Lexa’s front door turns, and then there’s a pounding against her back and Raven’s voice travels into her and Lexa’s daze. “What the hell Lexa, are you paranoid?” She seems to shout, sounding a bit angry as Lexa grumbles in her own annoyance against Clarke’s mouth.

“Give me a second.” Lexa mumbles over Clarke’s lips and the blonde can’t help but smile as Lexa seems to glare at the door behind her, her cheeks flushed with the same warmth Clarke feels and her hands shaky against her hips. She looks so fucking beautiful, and Clarke really, really hates her friends and the universe for always disturbing them.

“Always interrupted.” She pouts a bit, but can’t help the smile that’s along her face. Kissing Lexa has already cured a part of her that’s been a bit lonely for the last couple of months, and even though her skin if warm and she easily throbs in the place between her legs, she still feels almost content at just having Lexa’s lip against her own.

“And I’m about sick of it.” Lexa tells her with a huff of frustration before kissing her long and hard again, ripping another quiet moan from Clarke as Lexa’s tongue brushes against hers. Her hands climb up Clarke’s shirt and the blonde moans quietly again, trying to tug Lexa closer as if she fears them ever parting from each other. In a way she does, she isn’t sure she’ll be able to handle it right now.

“Lexa!” Anya pounds on the door this time, seemingly just as impatient as Raven. “It’s fucking cold,” The older girl whines and Clarke grumbles against Lexa’s mouth this time, highly annoyed that they even have friends at all, hands loosening from her hair as Lexa backs up from her, Clarke subconsciously trailing after her as she pulls herself from the door.

“Take your bags to my room.” She tells Clarke softly, stepping aside as Clarke nods, grabbing her bag and rolling her suitcase down the hall, huffing a bit as she looks over her shoulder. Lexa’s slightly shaking as she shuffles her fingers through her hair to smooth out what Clarke had turned into a mess. She looks beautiful and Clarke’s heart clenches in her chest with how much she’s missed her.

Fuck their friends and all the other times she hasn’t gotten the chance to make love to this woman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I got lazy, and what I mean by that is I spent today writing and going over it and I haven't gone over it again, so I'm going to post it but there might be some errors, I'll fix it up tomorrow. I'm just tired. I hope you guys enjoyed it anyway.


	11. is it enough?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies. This chapter is the longest yet and it's just smutty fluffiness and happiness, so please enjoy it. I won't be updating next week, as I'm going on a trip and won't be able to work. But I'll be back the week after. :)

##  _End of Winter 2016_

“Jesus Christ Lexa it’s about time.” Anya snaps unpleasantly, shoving past her with a full box of donuts. Lexa no longer really has an appetite for them.

“I’m sorry I locked it after,”

“You shouldn’t have locked it, its fucking cold.” Anya interrupts unhelpfully. Lexa can’t help the glare she gives her and doesn’t care when Anya seems to return the same glare.

It’s Raven who starts to play peacekeeper. “Alright, so we only got glazed and,”

“Donuts, there better be enough for me.”

“Clarke!” Raven with her hands free rushes toward the blonde and Lexa watches her laugh as the blonde is pulled into a bone crushing hug.

“Oh I see.”

“Yeah I was trying to explain asshole.” She smirks at Anya and the older girl only laughs at her, lifting the lid of the box of donuts and offering one to Lexa, she shakes her head without really taking her eyes off of Clarke to show that she doesn’t want one at the moment and Anya doesn’t seem to pester her about it.

Raven is smothering her but Clarke seems to be perfectly fine with it.

“Donut Blondie?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“But it’s so fun.” Anya pouts as Clarke grabs a donut from the box, looking at Lexa and smiling as wide as she can when she realizes Lexa is already staring at her.

“Raven why don’t we go?” Anya mutters to her girlfriend, briefly cutting into Lexa’s daze but not by much.

“Go?”

“Yeah, Clarke you must be tired, we should let her rest.”

“No, I’m okay.” Clarke waves her off.

“I’m not leaving until her eyelids are drooping.” Raven protests as she’s taking the donuts from Anya and heading toward the table.

Clarke laughs and Lexa watches her do so, her mind and her heart are all in one place and Clarke looks so beautiful. She stops hesitating and steps forward so she can touch her, run her hands through soft blonde hair and across gentle smooth skin that she can touch in appropriate places while they’re around company.

The blonde melts into it and turns to wrap her arm around Lexa, holding her other hand out a bit to avoid touching Lexa with the glazed treat. They would have forgotten that anyone else was there had Anya not been gagging beside them in the obnoxious fashion that she was so talented at.

“Let’s play a game!” Raven shouts when she comes back into the hallway, smiling over at them and clearly happy to see her best friend back, even if her best friend’s attention seems to be wrapped up in mostly one person at this very moment.

“Are you sure Raven, maybe we should just go?” Anya tries sheepishly again but Raven doesn’t seem to be having it.

She crosses her arms along her chest. “Why?”

“Because,” Anya motions to them both, who have not separated despite Anya’s noises of disgust at their very touchy and close interactions.

“They’re always gross and Lexa can share before she hogs her all to herself for days.” Raven grunts and tugs at Clarke’s arm to pull them apart, which only elicited another laugh from the blonde and Lexa can’t take her eyes off her. She doesn’t think it’s possible at this moment, after so much time apart, and how much she missed her, and Clarke’s kisses still burning on her lips. It’s not possible to pay attention to anything but her.

“Raven I still think we should go.” Anya protests.

“I don’t care what you think.” Raven snaps.

“Excuse me.” Anya raises an eyebrow almost threatening and Raven lets out a heavy sigh.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I love you very much.”

“That’s what I thought.”

Lexa chuckles and offers Anya a grin. “It’s okay, let’s play a game.” She says lightly and watches Anya nod, giving up the fight to leave temporarily, probably until she sees Lexa get too antsy or too touchy with Clarke in ways that aren’t completely appropriate but Lexa can stave it off. She’s been waiting for Clarke to get home for months, it’s okay to wait a bit longer. If she gives into Raven’s request now perhaps she’ll leave them alone for a little while later.

It doesn’t really take long for Clarke and Lexa to get too touchy. The moment they sit down Lexa’s scooting her chair to be right next to Clarke’s, hand on her knee as Raven goes through a group of board games they can choose from. Lexa doesn’t care, as long as it’s not monopoly, monopoly is way too long.

Clarke’s just finishing off her donut as Anya offers something quick thankfully, and they begin, Lexa’s hand staying on Clarke’s knee through most of the game, smiling when Clarke’s right hand lies on top of her own, tangling their fingers together almost comfortably. It sets peacefulness in Lexa that she only feels when Clarke is around her.

The game is too fast for Raven so they play another and one more after that before Anya if finally dragging her girlfriend from the house, thankfully leaving them alone. Lexa locks the door after they’re gone, with only a few donuts left to spare. Clarke is eating another when she comes back into the kitchen, sitting atop the counter and grinning at her the moment their eyes meet. _She is breathtaking_.

“God I’ve missed you so much.” Lexa’s a bit tired, the words slip out. She isn’t sure she could have stopped them even if she wasn’t tired. She slips around the counter and fills the space between Clarke’s legs, examining all the features of her face, trying to not miss a detail.

“I missed you too.” Clarke sets aside her donut on the napkin and pushes it away from her, licking at her fingers before focusing on the girl in front of her.

Lexa watches her and leans forward capturing her mouth again once her hand is away from her face. She hums at the taste of her and shivers as Clarke’s left hand brushes gently against the back of her neck. The kiss doesn’t last long, but it still twists everything up inside Lexa, still burns through her body and throbs between her legs almost like torture.

She takes a moment to open her eyes once Clarke pulls away, the daze in them is clear as Clarke’s breath catches in her throat. Lexa brushes her nose against Clarke’s gently and finds her hands at the girl’s waist, pulling her forward and then lifting her thighs so they wrap around her. “Come to bed with me?” And the question is clear. It’s not innocent, it’s not a request to sleep, it’s nothing at all like the other times they’ve shared a bed throughout the years they’ve known each other. This request is much bigger, a question asking for much more and Lexa won’t move until Clarke tells her that this is what she wants too.

“Okay.” And as the word escapes her and the blonde breathes against her mouth Lexa’s self-control is put on the backseat. She lifts Clarke from the counter top and carefully walks her way toward her bedroom, thankful the door is already open and makes their trip shorter. Clarke holds onto her, staring at her as they move and they say nothing, the tension in the room building on its own without much help.

She sets Clarke down on her bed gently, very gently, and feels the air leave her as Clarke’s hands slide under her shirt. She stares down at her as Clarke watches her hands lift the shirt, and then she meets her eyes and smiles and Lexa’s heart does that thing it always does, skipping over a beat and filling so large she’s sure it’ll burst in her chest.

She can’t wait any longer to kiss her, leaning down a moment after that smile to press her lips softly against Clarke’s, not a fast kiss, not filled with desire and urgency but filled with something more beautiful, something softer, filled with her love. And Clarke kisses her back just the same.

Clarke parts from her only a moment later, lifting her shirt further and Lexa lets her take it off, tossing it somewhere on her bedroom floor. Clarke takes her own off as well, pulling Lexa down after she tosses the garment across the room and leaning back on the bed as Lexa fall’s on top of her, their bodies melding together like they were always meant to fit perfectly with each other. Lexa thinks she’ll never fit with anyone else, ever again.

“You are so beautiful.” Clarke whispers and Lexa’s heart feels even bigger. She blinks down at her a few times as Clarke’s fingers tangle through the side of her hair and pushes back the strands behind her ear. Lexa brushes her nose across Clarke’s again and then she kisses her deeply, letting her tongue find Clarke’s only a few moments later and together they both make a noise of appreciation at the touch, grips tightening, Clarke’s in Lexa’s hair, Lexa’s on the bed sheets below Clarke.

It’s Clarke who flips them. Lexa hadn’t expected it but didn’t mind as she did so, huffing slightly as she’s pushed back into the bed and Clarke’s lips part from her own to brush across her jaw, down the length, nipping slightly just to taste her. Lexa moans as Clarke’s tongue brushes across a spot under her jaw as she begins her descent down her neck, blood rushing and warmth filling her as she grips Clarke’s hips. Clarke nibbles at that spot again and Lexa sighs, hands sliding up Clarke’s spine to feel her skin and shivering as she feels Clarke shiver to her touch.

“Can I take this off?” Clarke mumbles into her neck as she touches at the strap of Lexa’s bra and the brunette can only nod, throat dry and voice lost somewhere she can’t find it. Clarke leans back, to look at her eyes, as if to make sure, and then she urges Lexa’s body to arch slightly so she can reach behind her and unclip the bra, slowly peeling it from her body and letting her eyes drink in the sight of her as she’s revealed.

Lexa can only watch Clarke as Clarke watches her and normally where she’d be a bit self-conscious; she isn’t finding that to be the dominating feeling on this night. Tonight she feels rather beautiful, even more so as Clarke admires her, her fingertips gliding down the center of Lexa’s chest before she cups a breast in one hand and leans back down again to continue her assault on Lexa’s neck.

The brunette’s breath grows heavy and ragged as she arches into Clarke’s touch, shuddering as her fingertips brush across a puckering nipple. Her own fingernails digging into Clarke’s skin on her hips subconsciously as Lexa fights the urge to close her eyes. Clarke’s kisses at her neck get more aggressive, teeth nipping and biting at her skin only to be soothed by Clarke’s tongue and Lexa’s sure she’ll have marks in the morning, but the thought of being marked by Clarke only seems to make her wet. Which is something she’s been already since Clarke showed up at her doorstep and kissed her like the world was about to end.

She can’t wait anymore, she needs her and she’s sure she won’t survive it if Clarke decides right now that she wants to stop. Clarke kisses down her chest, slowly and Lexa shivers with every touch. She moans when Clarke’s mouth closes around her breast, and arches into her mouth as her other hand plays at her other nipple.

Her hips push up into Clarke’s at the swirl of the girl’s tongue and a whimper leaves her as Clarke’s teeth brush gently against the hardened bud. She whines as Clarke’s mouth leaves her, only to trail across her skin to the other breast, to show it the same amount of attention until Lexa is sure she’s never felt this wet in her life.

A soft needy moan of Clarke’s name leaves her as the blonde begins a trail down her stomach and she’s shaking as the girl’s hands pop the button on her jeans, unzipping them but stopping before pulling them down, looking up at her with those beautiful eyes that she love so much and Lexa can barely get anything out her dry throat but she manages a soft “please” so Clarke knows how badly she wants this.

Clarke smirks at her, kisses below her navel, and then tugs at the jeans on Lexa’s hips, the brunette lifting to help her pull them down, distracted by her want and by Clarke as the blonde determinedly removes both her underwear and the jeans at the same time. She grumbles a bit as she struggles them down Lexa’s legs and the brunette can’t help the giggle that leaves her when Clarke finally releases a breathe of relief once she’s pulled them free, tossing them over her shoulder and meeting Lexa’s eyes again.

The lightness of the moment dissipates and again is replaced by that same heavy want that Lexa can’t help but feel. She is wet, she can feel it all over her, sticking to her thighs between her legs, she’s sure Clarke can smell it now that she’s so close to her but she’s not embarrassed. She wants Clarke to know how she feels about her, that only Clarke seems to do this to her.

She shudders as the blonde parts her legs, keeping her eyes on the brunette’s for a moment before she looks down to indulge and Lexa blushes a bit as she watches Clarke examine her. The cold air against her warm core is almost too much and she almost closes her legs, but Clarke holds them open gently, leaning down and kissing right below her navel again until Lexa squirms below her and another “please,” leaves her throat.

“You saying “please” like that is my new favorite thing in the world.” Clarke teases lightly but Lexa can’t laugh, too consumed by her want and the growing wetness between her legs, the throbbing is distracting as Clarke hovers over her, breathes against her and she whines again, head leaning back as she anticipates Clarke’s touch.

She lets out a breath of pleasure as Clarke’s tongue slips between her folds and she sees something behind her eyelids as they snap shut, hands reaching down and tangling in Clarke’s hair almost immediately, hips lifting  from the bed in her greedy desperation to feel more of her. Clarke does it again and hums against her clit and a sound that Lexa has never heard herself make before leaves her throat as her hips lift to greet Clarke’s mouth but the blonde holds her down and lets her tongue slide between different areas of wetness, avoiding Lexa’s clit until she’s squirming.

She can feel a heat turn in her belly as Clarke’s tongue slides inside of her, brushing deep and then back out and up, brushing a circle around her clit until she’s crying out her name and gripping her hair almost too tightly. She tries to think, to release her grip a bit and relax but Clarke feels so good against her and she has wanted this for so long, she knows, she knows she won’t last long as the build is already warm and tipping her toward the edge.

Clarke’s lips close around her clit and she sucks the throbbing bud into her mouth, flicking her tongue over it and that makes all of Lexa’s thoughts completely dissipate from her mind. All she can focus on is the pleasure and her mind goes blank as every brush of Clarke’s tongue spikes something deep inside of her, ripping new sounds from her throat she’s sure she’s never made before.

Clarke sets a rhythm for her and she’s at her mercy to follow it, arching into her mouth and grinding down as the blonde pulls her closer and closer to the edge she’s been desperate for. She’s gone the moment Clarke’s fingers slide into her, her walls clenching them desperately as they curl against her and she arches off the bed as she comes, unable to focus on anything but her pleasure as it surfaces through her entire body and spreads everywhere, all the way down to her toes. She sees white dots as her orgasm hits her, Clarke extending it with her soft ministrations that she doesn’t stop until Lexa is slumping into the mattress below her, boneless and dazed and pushing at her head when she becomes too sensitive.

Her heartbeat is erratic as Clarke travels back up her body and rests against her, leaning her head against Lexa’s shoulder as the brunette struggles to come back to herself. She’s almost sure she must be dreaming, but it felt too good to not be real, and her arms close around Clarke almost protectively, like she fears this really is just a dream and if she wakes up Clarke won’t be here, won’t want to be here.

“Hey,” Clarke whispers gently against her ear as she brushes a tear from Lexa’s cheekbone that she hadn’t realized had fallen. “I didn’t take you for the crying after sex kind of girl.” Clarke teases lightly and Lexa can’t help the burst of happiness that envelopes her, and she laughs, she laughs and she holds Clarke tighter and Clarke chuckles with her, kissing different areas of her face until Lexa turns just enough to capture her mouth and something about this moment feels better than anything else.

She can taste herself on Clarke’s tongue; she can feel her love growing. She pushes Clarke over until it’s her on her back, and desperately tugs at the rest of Clarke’s clothing until she’s just as naked as she is, kissing her all the while and wrapping her sense in all of Clarke. She doesn’t waste much time, wanting to know how she feels on her fingertips, wanting to know how she sounds when she comes.

Lexa deepens their kisses, Clarke’s moan vibrating into her mouth as she spreads Clarke’s legs and rest between them, stuttering slightly as Clarke grinds into her and she can feel her wetness smear across her belly. She’s done this to her, and that’s enough to make her want even more than she did before. Hands sliding down Clarke’s body slowly, cupping at her chest gently, brushing across her nipples, down her stomach, feeling every inch until her right hand cups Clarke gently and the blonde’s hip jerk up searching for relief as Lexa kisses grow deeper, the blonde breathing heavily against her mouth every once in a while before Lexa is wrapping her up in another deep long kiss.

She spreads Clarke’s wet lips and runs her fingers through her center, spreading the copious amount of wetness all over her fingers. Clarke moans against her mouth and holds onto Lexa tightly as the brunette brushes two wet fingers against Clarke’s clit, brushing them in different motions as she listens to the different noises she makes, repeating the same motion that seems to makes Clarke’s entire body respond to her.

“Please Lexa, I need you inside me.” And Lexa herself moans as she hears Clarke’s plea, nodding her head and kissing her deeper as she brushes her fingers back through Clarke’s wetness to her entrance, circling there and feeling her and getting to know her, taking more wetness as it comes and she knows Clarke is dripping all over her bed sheets. She doesn’t at all care.

She slides a finger into Clarke and her kisses are cut off as the blonde’s moan leaves her, head tipping back against the pillow as her hips push up to meet the intrusion. Clarke is already so wet that Lexa pushes her finger against her walls with no resistance, and it only seems to spike more pleasure in the girl. She even whines desperately, gripping Lexa tighter as the brunette pulls her finger out only to slide back inside of her with two rather easily. Clarke’s thighs tighten around her desperately and her nails dig into her shoulders but she doesn’t care about the sting.

She kisses across Clarke’s jaw, melding into her body beautifully and basking in the feel of Clarke’s breasts pressing into her own as she sets a pace inside of her, knowing she’s already close by the way her walls flex desperately against her fingers. She twists her hand just right and Clarke moans louder, her nails digging in deeper as she lifts her thumb up to brush against Clarke’s clit.

All it takes for Clarke to come is her finding that spongy spot on her front wall that makes Clarke nearly shriek and brushing her clit just right at the same time and the blonde is arching into her body, the most beautiful sound she’s ever heard leaving her mouth as the orgasm washes through her so gorgeously. Clarke’s come pooling in her hand and spills down her wrist as the girl’s walls clamp against her fingers tightly with each spasm. She manages to keep moving them through Clarke’s orgasm, urging her pleasure to last longer as she gently brushes at her clit until Clarke can’t seem to take anymore and her body begins to relax and slack into the bed.

Lexa doesn’t pull out of her, basking in her warmth and her wetness as she stares at a thoroughly fucked Clarke below her and it’s the most magnificent thing she’s ever seen.

When Clarke open’s her eyes Lexa swears they’re a bluer than she’s ever seen them, even bluer than when she cries and she always thought that was when Clarke’s eyes were bluest, but apparently not and this new revelation only make’s Lexa’s heart feel bigger as she smiles gently down at her and slowly pulls out of her, hearing Clarke whine a bit at the loss of her touch. She slides her wet hand across Clarke’s thigh as she adjusts and rests her core against Clarke’s but doesn’t move, leaning down and kissing her gently as the blonde is able to come back to herself.

“We’re so doing that again.” Clarke giggles against her mouth and Lexa can’t help the smile that escapes its way onto her mouth, and then she grinds into Clarke and the blonde’s legs tighten around her waist again and they both seem to forget about anything but each other for the rest of the night.

 

##  _Spring, 2016_

Slammed by press, Clarke is unfortunately unable to escape them. It gets worse and worse every year, slipping away early isn’t going to happen and she hasn’t seen Lexa since they arrived together. She goes through the motions that are required of her throughout the night, interview after interview, photo after photo, while all simultaneously trying to catch a glimpse of someone she’s comfortable with in a crowd full of screaming fans and flashing lights.

The most rebellious thing she does is slip out from the interviews to instead sign autographs to the hands reaching out to her and shouting her name, practically chanting and singing it as if she deserves to be worshipped in this way. It makes her a bit emotional but she holds that at bay to focus on them, until she’s dragged away from them for more interviews. It’s about halfway through the crowd toward the screening room that she finally sees Lexa, she’s next to Lincoln but she’s too far from her to shout her name and have it be affective, so she just looks at her longingly as she’s propelled forward.

When she’s finally inside, she takes her seat at the top of the room, the same space her and Lexa often share at any of these kinds of events, away from most of the people, mainly for Clarke’s sake, though she knows how the brunette likes the break from socializing just as much as she does once they sit down.

Clarke sighs heavily in relief as soon as she slacks in her seat. She’s distracted momentarily by a few people that engage her in conversation near her and she doesn’t notice when Lexa sits down next to her until after she feels her hand press against her bouncing knee to get it to stop moving, effectively pulling her from whatever conversation she had been in the middle of to greet her with a smile she knows she only ever reserves for her.

The room is quiet as the night progresses and the episode shows. Clarke pays little attention to it, and so does Lexa. Both of them instead engage in conversation in the back, being as quiet as possible though every giggle and every laugh distracts the people beside them and they offer them a glare until they realize who they are.

The exit interviews are just as busy and split them apart again, but not separating them completely as Clarke is able to keep her eyes on her. Halfway through one interview she gets distracted by Lexa’s touch, slipping around her waist and kissing her ear and charismatically laughing and interjecting herself in her interview, cutting Clarke’s breath from her lungs as Lexa’s arms tighten and she feels the girl’s body mold into her own, practically counting each heartbeat from her heart as she feels it against her back.

Her thoughts are greatly inappropriate as they stand there and she’s for once so thankful that no one can read her mind. Her mind has been in a lot of places lately, places it used to go sometimes before when she couldn’t stop it, now not thinking that way about Lexa felt impossible. They had crossed a line, an incredibly line that felt amazing and Clarke couldn’t stop herself from wanting to continue to cross the line, to destroy the line and make love to Lexa every single night until death makes them part.

The interviewer asks them if they’re dating. They both laugh it off, Lexa even adds a “she wishes,” and the interviewer laughs with them like he’s allowed on the inside of their jokes, when he never really is. Clarke can barely look at anything else but the side of her face as Lexa fits into the area beside her. She smells like heaven and Clarke has to force her brain to think about the questions coming at them, though Lexa seems to answer them all as Clarke can’t even spare the man a glance.

She pouts as Lexa removes her arms from around her, and calls after her as she moves to leave her, relaxing a bit as Lexa shoots her that big beautiful smile she knows barely anyone ever gets to see, and here it is, in a crowded room, but still reserved only for her. The interviewer asks her a question and she has to ask him to repeat it, eyes still straying to soft brown hair and ears still straining to hear her laugh.

They both move mechanically through everything. Doing what they’re supposed to, saying what they’re supposed to. They take a few more pictures and this time Clarke fights her way to be beside Lexa, they don’t separate when asked, not until its inevitable and they take separate paths until they can depart from the location.

They’re reunited again when they both go to leave, heading toward the same vehicle, saying hello to the same fans, signing the same autographs. Lexa’s normal driver, Daniel, opens the door for them and greets them with a smile and they offer it back, waving to a few fans as they shout at them desperately looking for their attention and screaming when they seem to think they might have gotten some.

The shouts of their names are closed out as the door slams shut beside Clarke and Lexa’s arm is around her waist, pulling her side against her own and buckling her before she even buckles herself. She kisses Clarke’s jaw and rests her head on the blonde’s shoulder and she can’t help the smile that spreads across her face because it is in these moments, with Lexa’s fingers tangling between her own as they rest above her knee, that she is the most peaceful.

“So tired,” Lexa whispers and Clarke tries to adjust in her seat to make her more comfortable, hearing her huff slightly as it’s done, and feeling the delicate brush of her thumb against Clarke’s skin on her hand.

“You can sleep baby,” She whispers and feels her heartbeat increase like she’s said _I love you_ instead. She still doesn’t know why it always feels like she’s baring her soul whenever the endearment slips her lips, but if feels so good to say it that she never regrets it and Lexa seems to love it. Hell, Clarke loves it when Lexa calls her that.

Lexa’s hand squeezes her own and she hears Lexa’s soft content sigh more than she feels it. Clarke fiddles with her fingers lightly and relaxes in the leather of the seat as the car moves away from the ending event. She rests her head against Lexa’s and slowly lets her own eyelids slip shut. The noise of the city and the movement of the vehicle accompany them but other than that the space is quiet and peaceful for the first time that night.

She’s almost asleep herself when she hears Lexa’s soft mutter of “ _Clarke_ ,” besides her and she’s urging her own eyes open again and squeezing the girl’s hand to show she’s listening. It only takes her a moment for her to continue. “You can stay with me longer right?” Lexa adjust, sitting up from her position so she can look at Clarke’s eyes and the blonde takes a moment to just study and admire her before she even bothers thinking of an answer.

“Yeah, I can.” She squeezes her palm and Lexa offers her a soft smile, one that she admires very noticeable, unable to keep herself from looking at the upturn of her pretty lips. She reaches up with her free hand to trace her smile and pretends she can’t hear Lexa’s breath catch in her throat at her touch. “Maybe we should just move in together.” She says lightly, as if it’s a joke, but Clarke knows she’s not joking when she says it. She knows that it’s a legitimately serious suggestion, no matter how lightly she seems to phrase it.

Lexa studies her a moment, a soft smile spreading across her face as she seems to watch her for an incredibly long silent moment that has Clarke’s heart in her throat. “Maybe,” Lexa says after a while and Clarke lets out a breath as the girl kisses her gently and she “hums” in the back of her throat to her taste.

She didn’t know how it was possible that she seems to somehow be falling more in love with every passing second.

 

 

She’s pushed into her door and there’s a puff of breathe against her lips before her thoughts and contemplations are drown out by the press of Lexa’s mouth against her own. It always makes Clarke’s knees weak when the girl initiates their kisses first, which is not something she often does. She normally waits for Clarke to make most of the first moves, no matter how many kisses they share, Lexa is always respectful of her, always thinking about her first no matter what she wants. It’s just another thing that Clarke is so in love with about her.

Her hands are shaking as they slide into her hair and Clarke can feel something deep and almost beautiful in the kiss against her mouth, the slide of her own tongue against a plump bottom lip that makes Lexa’s breath shake. She’s starting to learn everything there possibly is to know about Lexa, not that this territory has been crossed and Clarke hadn’t realized how much she still had to learn until they had indulged. Now she never wanted to stop learning. She wanted to memorize and re-read for the rest of her life.

She is so beautiful and Clarke is so lost in her thoughts of her.

There’s a soft whine of her name, “ _Clarke_ ,” With the click of the “k” against the roof of the girl she loves mouth as she pulls away from her, twisting and placing space between them so she can properly open Lexa’s door, the brunette’s mouth on her skin distracting her and nearly making her drop the girl’s keys as Lexa’s fingertips brush back blonde strands of hair and graze across the soft skin on the back of her neck as her kiss moves down across the column of her neck to press against her shoulder.

She shudders when she feels teeth and practically cheers as she manages to maintain enough focus to open the door. They both step in nearly fumbling over themselves but somehow manage not to. Lexa shuts the door behind them, locking it before she’s lightly grabbing Clarke’s wrist to pull her body against her own.

Clarke’s thought process is clouded, fingertips trailing up Lexa’s arms and admiring the feeling of her skin and the way that the brunette looks in the dress she wears. Lexa’s own hands move around her waist, fitting comfortably around her and holding her gently and comfortably. Clarke’s hands slide across the back of her neck and she pulls the girl forward, kissing her deeply, slowly, and gently, filling it with the amount of love she feels every single day.

Clarke moans slightly as Lexa’s tongue slides into her mouth, the girl’s hands pressing into her back more firmly as her hold grows tight. Clarke’s fingers trail through her hair to feel the soft strands between her fingertips. She loves her more than anything.

The blonde tugs at her hair gently to pull her mouth back from her own. She takes in a deep much needed breath of air as her lungs burn for oxygen that they’ve been deprived of as she drowned herself in kissing the beautiful woman before her. Lexa’s hands remain firm on her back, her hold still tight and her eyes still shut as Clarke rests her forehead against Lexa’s. The quiet of the room is defining but it’s exactly what they both need in this moment. The calmness of it all is a direct difference to the lives they hold and the struggles they’ve been through together and apart.

Clarke can think of nothing but her love and for once she isn’t so afraid of it.

She smooth’s out Lexa’s hair and backs up from her as the girl’s eyes flutter open to watch her, the green in them almost no longer visible by the black that swallows them up. She is sure she looks the same as she can barely think of anything else most of the night but making love to her again and again and again.

She tugs at Lexa’s hands; the brunette lets herself be guided by the blonde toward her room. It’s dark in every room but they don’t seem to care, mostly focused on each other as they enter the space, the moment feeling thin and weak as Lexa’s hands part from Clarke’s to trail across the back of her dress, hovering at the zipper and awaiting on Clarke’s approval as she stares into her eyes. Clarke thinks that it’s silly that Lexa even has to hesitate after everything, but she knows it’s just Lexa’s way of being respectful of her, of always making sure she is safe and comfortable.

Clarke steps forward and kisses Lexa lightly again, the brunette fingers curling around the zipper of her dress but not quite tugging. “You can,” She mutters against her mouth and hears Lexa’s breath catch yet again, as if she can’t possibly believe she’s heard her right even though they’ve been through the motions. She even backs up, to look into her eyes again to make sure it’s real, and Clarke almost wants to laugh, finding it utterly adorable and Lexa utterly beautiful. She’s always protecting her, caring for her and Clarke isn’t sure how she’s ever going to survive this love. She doesn’t think she will, she thinks Lexa will own her forever and there’s not thing she can do about it. She isn’t sure she ever wants to do anything about it.

After a few more moment of hesitation Lexa does finally do it, the zipper sliding down easily to bare Clarke’s back and she can feel the air touch her skin, and can definitely feel Lexa’s hands as they touch her as well before they pull back from her and she’s reaching up to push the straps past Clarke’s shoulders and down her arms. Clarke lets the dress pool at her feet and shivers as Lexa’s eyes dart down her body, her lips parting as she takes her in. They’ve seen each other, but each moment they spend together always feels almost overwhelming, always feels like it will be there last and they only have now to drink it all in.

She can feel the blush surface across her pale skin under the scrutiny but says nothing as she reaches forward with one of her hands and touches at Lexa’s dress, and that seems to urge the brunette out of her daze, slipping the outfit off and tossing it gently in a chair near the door.

There’s a peace in the quiet as Lexa’s hands slip down the bare length of her back, as if only to feel her first. And it’s too dark in her room to see anything quite properly, but Clarke can see her eyes and it’s enough to steal every last breathe that she will possibly manage to create in her own lungs. From now and forever, because how Lexa is looking at her is something she’s never known. Every single time it’s as if Lexa looks at her as if she feels something deeper and deeper than she did the time before and Clarke is starting to wonder if Lexa falls in love with her as much as she falls in love with Lexa with every passing second.

Lexa’s hands move from her back to slide along her belly and down her arms until their hands tangle together. Her heart feels so much bigger as Lexa sits on the edge of her bed and tugs at Clarke’s hands until she’s climbing into her lap and their lips are meeting again, softly. There’s no rush in these kisses, no desperation or urgency like they’ve often shared in times that these moments have spiraled into something like this. It’s patient and calm because there is time, there’s lots of time and even if there wasn’t, perhaps they were both done being distracted.

There’s a breathless moment where Clarke shoves her back against the bed that makes them break apart again, but it lasts for only a split second before their lips meet again in a kiss still so sweetly slow but filled with more passion of the urges they’ve longed to satisfy and now as with how many times they seem to satisfy them, it doesn’t seem to be enough. Each moment will lead into the next and Clarke will never ever grow tired of her, never ever have enough of her and Lexa kisses her like she feels the same way.

Lexa’s hands are back at her spine, moving up and down to comfort her, to protect her, to love her, and everything for once in Clarke’s head feels right. She’s not at all worried about anything that isn’t Lexa. She’s not worried about her own insecurities, about her own problems, about magazine articles and invasive interviewers. She’s not worried about consequences and definitions. The only thing she is focused on is Lexa, the only thing that matters, is Lexa.

Lexa is everything.

 

 

Clarke’s hands tangle in the sheets as Lexa’s kisses slide down her body, sucking marks into pale skin that will last for days. Something about being marked by Lexa makes things even worse than marking Lexa, and she can barely breathe as she feels the girl’s breath against her core. She is wet and so in love.

She whimpers as she feels Lexa’s tongue slip between the heat of her. Her body arching into the touch automatically, feeling Lexa’s hands restrain her as she is eager for her touch, throat dry and blushing skin with her desire.

She can’t hold back, can’t even think as Lexa’s lips suckle at her clit before her tongue is running through the folds of her again, and dipping inside of her as if to drink in every last drop, to try and savor the very taste of her.

Clarke’s pleasures echoes off the walls as her thoughts are clouded and her body controls her, moving to a rhythm Lexa sets and begging for a release that only the brunette can give her. Her fingertips leaving the bed sheets and tangling in soft strands of hair as Lexa urges her closer and closer to an edge she always seems to be hanging onto when it comes to her. She can never get enough and she knows even now, as she’s drawn closer to the fall, as her body warms with pleasure and her stomach flips with the inevitable, there will never be a time in her life that she will ever be tired of this.

Clarke is gone the moment Lexa pushes a finger inside of her walls and flicks her tongue back over her clit. She’s arching off the bed and into her mouth as she comes, eyes snapping shut and practically seeing white behind the lids as she holds onto her a bit tightly.

The fall is inevitable. They are inevitable. Everything about their moments, everything about their climaxes, desires, touches. They were always meant to come together in every way that people can come together, and Clarke can’t hear, can’t speak, can’t think as she comes, the very earth she knows crashing around her in a way that she never thought it could until she made love to Lexa and Lexa made love to her for the first time.

Each time feels so massive, so incredible, so much like something else that Clarke has never known in her life until Lexa and she know she will never know it again after Lexa. This girl has ruined her for anyone else. She can’t even imagine another person without comparing them to her, she can’t even think about someone else without already finding reasons that Lexa would be and is so much better. She will never love someone more than she loves Lexa.

Lexa’s hands are on her face by the time she comes back down, her lips pressing against her own so gently as if she could break and Clarke doesn’t at all care that she can taste herself there, trying to hold her as close as she can get her with how weak she is and already having Lexa’s weight laying against her body as the girl is melted above her, every breath nearly in sync with her own.

It’s everything and the moment is unbelievably peaceful as they breath against each other and try and gain some semblance of control of themselves. Their mouths hardly managing to part though their kisses are slow and Clarke hangs onto her loosely, still managing to whine a bit as Lexa parts her lips from her to look down at her properly.

She touches her face gently again, and Lexa smiles that pretty soft smile that Clarke loves so much. “Hi.” And she looks perfect, with messy hair and swollen lips and sparkling eyes that Clarke can see better now that her eyes have adjusted so well to the dark.

“Hi.” She says back and giggles as Lexa leans down to kiss her.

Its hours, hours of Lexa and her and them, hours of scraping teeth and marks and re-marks on skin, hours of love that Clarke will never ever forget in her life because this, these moments with Lexa are perfect. It is only them, in their world, surrounded by nothing but how they feel for each other.

Nothing can tear them apart here. Even as their energy lessens, as they both grow too tired to keep their eyes open, tangled in each other’s arms and can easily think of all kinds of things that could ruin this they don’t.

Clarke falls asleep with Lexa’s arms around her and Lexa’s breathes in her ear as she falls into unconsciousness as well. Tired, sated for only the night until they wake up and the day starts again and they just need more, and soft confessions of “I love you” that she isn’t sure if are real or not as she slips from reality.

She doesn’t really want to sleep because she doesn’t want to miss a moment, but she is soon lost before she can think about stopping it, and knows nothing of the fears of their future, this time, all that matters is now.

 

***

 

“You’re so happy today.” Octavia smiles at her friend as she pops a fry into her mouth. Clarke says nothing to expand on why but she herself knows why she’s happy. It’s not today alone that she’s been happy, but her friends have barely seen her in the last two weeks since she’s been back and maybe she should be ashamed for that, but outside of promoting her show and attending events, she’d rather spend all her free time in Lexa’s bed, where she’s much prefer to be now, but she’s realized how little time she’s spent with her friends after being away so long and she knows she has more duties to attend to other than just fucking Lexa, though she mostly just prefers to fuck Lexa.

She’s still happy as she sits impatiently with Octavia, mentally ticking down the amount of hours until she can be back with Lexa, ripping at her clothes and coaxing those sweet noises from her throat that she makes when she touches her in a particular way. She tries not to seem so distracted, she tries to focus on her friend, but she’s already growing quite restless and her desires keep her from feeling to guilty.

“I’m in a good mood.” She shrugs and twirls a fry in ketchup before eating it. Finally answer her friend and avoiding her eyes as Octavia studies her a moment. Octavia knows her well but she’s not really in the mood to talk about her and Lexa right now. If she talks about it she has to discuss what everything means and right now she and Lexa are just fine enjoying each other. The pressure that is placed on them to be a certain way, to do this, to do that, has always been too much for them. She’s enjoying a time where there doesn’t have to be any of that and for once it can just be the two of them in their bubble.

“What’s prompted this good mood?” Octavia smiles at her friend knowingly, like she’s already in Clarke’s head and can see the reason clearly sketched there across her forehead. She really isn’t quite in the mood to discuss it, her happiness is obvious but her impatient at getting back to Lexa is wearing on her. She avoids the urge of texting her, knowing Lexa is out with Anya right now and not wanting to disturb her time with her friend as much as she know she should be enjoying her time with her own friend.

Clarke shakes her head. “Nope, just happy.” She offers lamely and can see it clearly painted on Octavia’s face that she doesn’t believe her and isn’t buying into whatever she’s trying to tell her but Octavia must be feeling giving on this particular day because she seems to shrug it off and Clarke is thankful that she seems to escape the conversation, just for now anyway. She knows she’ll get pestered later.

But unthankfully Octavia decides to let one subject go to move onto the next subject that Clarke doesn’t really want to discuss. She mumbles out nonchalantly. “Alright, I’ve been meaning to ask, are you and Lexa actually dating?” And she says it so innocently that it would be wrong of Clarke to get mad but she knows Octavia is prying because she likes the gossip. She loves the girl, but she’s trying not to pop her and Lexa peaceful bubbles so she gets a bit huffy about being asked any questions, especially after being harassed with those same questions almost every interview she has and every time she seems to meet a fan.

She doesn’t understand why people want to know so badly, why it’s so interesting to everyone. It’s her and Lexa’s life, but everyone always seems to have something to say about it. “I don’t know.” Clarke huffs. “We don’t really talk about that stuff.” She eats another fry and meets Octavia’s eye line, the question clear in her eyes.

“What do you mean, I was just wondering because you know your all over the internet and,”

“Yeah, I’m aware. There’s no escaping it anymore.” Clarke shakes her head. “I don’t know. I’ve told her how I felt sort of but it’s… hard I guess. We’re just kind of…” Clarke moves her hands around as if to find a calm way to explain what they are but she doesn’t really quite know what to name it. She knows she’s in love, she thinks maybe Lexa is in love with her too. That’s all that really matters to her right now. She’s tired of everybody prying.

“You don’t have to explain. It’s fine. I know how you feel about her, I’m just happy you’re out of that fool around phase.” Octavia teases with a light grin, popping another salty fry into her own mouth.

“You never did approve.” Clarke chuckles.

“It’s not my thing, you and Raven are in love now, gross. I need a boyfriend.” Octavia huffs a bit as she leans back in her chair, as if to pout as she crosses her arms across her chest which only pulls a laugh from Clarke’s throat.

“What about Lincoln?”

“Eh, we’re just friends.”

Clarke shrugs. “Can I tell you something?” She decides confiding in her friend about recent events wouldn’t be a bad idea. It’s just Octavia and she isn’t going to make her uncomfortable with demands and she wouldn’t mind gushing about Lexa, she doesn’t get to do it very often without messy things normally are in their relationship. She’s out with her friend, one of her best friends, she could confide a little, just as long as she doesn’t pester.

“You already know you can.” Octavia laughs and pops another fry in her mouth, providing her friend with her undivided attention as she looks at her.

Clarke bites her lip and blushes as she looks down. “Lexa and I,”

Octavia gasps in the seat across from her and Clarke winces, hoping confiding in her wasn’t going to be a mistake. “No way Clarke, you did _it_?”

 _It_ , sounds so middle school but Clarke reframes from saying that as her face brightens up in a shade of red she’s sure she’s never been before. “Don’t get weird.”

“I’m not going to get weird, I’m happy for you!”

Clarke blushes more and focuses a lot on the fries in front of her as her cheeks seem to increase in warmth. She doesn’t know why she’s so blushy about it.

“When? Recently? Well does that change stuff for you guys?” Octavia leans forward as if this is the biggest news in a century and Clarke can’t stop the role of her eyes before it happens. She’s grinning nonetheless because just thinking about Lexa makes her feel so much better.

“I don’t know. We didn’t really talk about it.” She admits and eats another fry. They haven’t talked about it; they don’t really talk about it each time they fall into bed together. They aren’t focused on that part, they’re focused on being together in the most primal of ways, and even now just thinking about it has Clarke squirming in her chair.

“Right because you guys don’t really talk.” Her friend teases lightly with an easy going smile that makes Clarke comfortable.

The blonde chuckles. “We talk sometimes. We just… had other things on our mind.” She wiggles her eyebrows slightly and Octavia laughs loudly, attracting a bit of attention to them in the small restaurant but not enough for Clarke to really worry about.

“You’re ridiculous.” Octavia shakes her head with a wide smile and Clarke can’t help but laugh as well, her thoughts running back to what Lexa is up to right now and her heart beat increases as she anticipates getting home to her.

 

***

 

“There’s something different about you.” Anya states as Lexa slips a bill across the counter to pay for the items they bought, so they can continue toward the next store. A mall day wasn’t exactly something Lexa wanted to do but her and Anya hadn’t been in a while and the older girl was starting to get antsy about going. She conceded in attending with her when she left about ten messages on her phone about it, though her thoughts hardly strayed from the anticipation of getting back to Clarke. Today was the first day that Clarke had taken her suitcase home, and Lexa would be damned if she wasn’t using her key tonight.

The brunette raises her eyebrow at her friend but remains mute. She isn’t that obvious is she? Maybe she is. It’s probably hard not to be. She’s never been this in love in her life, and making love with Clarke is something… _different_.

“You’re hiding something from me.” Anya states matter-of-factly as they step out of the store and head down the walkway of the mall toward their next destination. They’ve been all over the place before but it’s been awhile, so they’re going through the motions again. She’s counting down the seconds they waste in each store; her mind so bottled up with Clarke she’s already bought her three things.

“What would I be hiding from you?” Lexa asks with a roll of her eyes as Anya glares at her.

“Look at me.” Anya grabs her arm gently and pulls her to a stop, eyes searching her face, squinting at her as if she can see the reason for Lexa’s rather good mood painted clearly there. Maybe she can, maybe it’s all in her look, she really isn’t sure, but having Anya find out while they stand in the middle of the mall isn’t exactly Lexa’s favorite idea. She’ll get motherly about it and Lexa really just wants to enjoy this time in her life, where she can go home to Clarke and make love to her whenever she wants and not have to worry about anything else.

She rolls her eyes again instead of giving in. “Come on,” She grumbles, tugging on Anya’s own arm to pull her toward the next shop yet again.

She distracts Anya with store after store but she runs out of opportunities to avoid future pestering. They get hungry and stop at the food court, taking a seat at an empty table further away from the eyes of others in the mall in hopes that nobody will quite recognize her from the distance. Lexa probably should have worn her cap but she didn’t. She’s still not quite use to the invasive attention she’s been receiving lately. It’s different. She knows her career has shaped and changed a lot because of the show and Clarke but she never quite understands how much until she goes out and can’t seem to get a second alone.

It’s while Lexa is silently fixated on organizing her food before she eats it that Anya gasps across from her. “Oh my god, you got laid.” Anya’s hand slams down on the table knowingly and the noise echoes and is loud enough that it makes Lexa jump, dropping a chicken nugget back into the little box it comes in and staring at her friend with wide eyes a moment later, before she looks around them at the notable attention the action has caused.

The interest of a few people stays piqued as they study Lexa, trying to figure out where they know her from because she’s clearly familiarly. She just hopes they’ll give up trying to figure it out and move on. She’s trying to have a nice day out with her friend and if someone notices her she won’t be able to escape it without leaving. “Could you be any louder, Jesus.”

“Cut the shit, why didn’t you tell me? It’s been so long I even forgot what your “I’ve had sex recently” face looks like.” Anya shrugs, now that she’s figured it out it seems as if it’s less of a big deal to her. The focus she had is no longer attracted to finding out what’s going on with Lexa’s mood and now seems to be mainly on the food in front of her.

“I don’t have a face.” Lexa protests childishly, with a cross of her arms along her chest as she pouts at that information a bit.

“You so have a face, it’s all bright and happy and you always get in this mood where you wear glitter.” Anya touches at her cheekbone as if to prove her point and Lexa slaps her hand away quickly, as if offended that she would touch at her perfectly applied glitter. She had been meticulous with it, making sure it highlighted all the right features of her face and she wasn’t about to let Anya mess it up before Clarke got to see it.

“Don’t mess it up.” She snaps almost aggressively as she pulls out her phone to make sure it’s all intact. She puts the device away once she sees that it is and ignores Anya’s smirking face across from her.

“You’re ridiculous. Who is it? Do I know her?” Her friend must be off today if she doesn’t already know who it is. Well, she isn’t about to tell her, she’ll just let her figure it out on her own. She’s quite enjoying her day, despite Anya being Anya (whom she loves greatly no matter what) she’ll let the girl stew.

“Don’t be invasive.” She offers lightly and focuses back on her chicken nuggets, dipping one in sauce before taking a bite of it and smirking at her friend as Anya’s eyebrows go up.

“I thought being invasive was best friend territory?” She fights back and Lexa only shrugs.

“Since when?”

Then Anya shrugs as well and seems to focus more on her food, taking a large bite before she lets her eyes wander back to Lexa’s. “Since now I guess, I’m just wondering if you found someone else or if it’s Blondie.” Lexa blushes but doesn’t elaborate on if her friend is right or not.

Instead she purposely avoids the topic. “She hates it when you call her that.”

“I know,” Anya smirks as if that thought amuses her and then she blinks back the smirk to focus back on their main discussion. “Are you going to tell me?”

“No.”

“Fine.” Anya huffs dramatically and sags back in her chair; pulling out a professional pout that immediately makes Lexa start to laugh. “Guess I’m unworthy of your trust.” She says dramatically as if she’s the actress here and not a lawyer at all. It amuses Lexa to no end and she can’t help the chuckle that escapes her.

“Anya.” She tries but the girl just waves her off.

“No, no, it’s fine. You don’t love me. I understand.”

“Alright shush, I’ll tell you.” Lexa focuses back on her food, eating a bit and working up the courage to urge the words out of her mouth as Anya looks at her expectantly, awaiting her impending confirmation that it is who she thinks it is.

“It’s Clarke.” Anya seems to say for her and Lexa feels herself blush bright red and a small smile is twisting its way across her lips before she can stop it. “Well I guess it’s about time, so what does this mean?”

“I don’t know.” Lexa shrugs. “I’m tired of being so worried about that part. I feel like the both of us are always so worried about what everything means all the time. I just want to enjoy whatever it is now. We’re just… together right now and we don’t seem to care about anything else and it’s so… nice.” Lexa says with a heavy sigh as her thoughts wander back to her favorite person in the world. She wonders what she’s doing with Octavia right now and she can’t help but anticipate the end of the day when she finally gets to head toward Clarke’s apartment and maybe make love on every surface in every room until Clarke can’t keep her eyes open anymore.

“I get that Lex,” Anya smiles at her. “I’m happy for you. You’re so in love with that girl it makes me ill.” Anya makes a gagging noise and Lexa rolls her eyes as she’s pulled from her thoughts.

“Shut up.”

Anya only smirks at her teasingly. “Never will.”

 

***

 

Lexa’s unlocks Clarke’s door with a soft huff and drop of her bag on the floor that’s full of items she’ll need to literally live here without actually completely living here, on the floor beside the entrance. She is immediately distracted by the heat of the body automatically in her arms and the press of lips against her own as she urges the door shut behind her, grabbing Clarke and kissing her back.

She’s urging Clarke up, helping lift her as the blonde wraps her legs around her waist and Lexa holds her firmly, dropping her keys on the floor and leading the way carefully toward the couch as the blonde’s lips trail from her own and press against her jaw, nipping at her skin and mumbling something Lexa can’t quite make out while Clarke is so attached to her.

She sets Clarke down on the couch and chuckles as the blonde pulls at her shirt to make sure she collapses against her. Clarke unbuttons her shirt quickly, tugging at the buttons at a way that almost tares them apart and their mouths meet in a kiss more fast paced than the last. All day apart and with thoughts consumed of each other for hours without being able to sate anything has made them impatient, and Lexa can only moan as Clarke’s left hand pops the button on her jeans and slides into her underwear without much warning.

“Missed you all day.” Clarke grumbles against her mouth, lifting her hips up as Lexa unbuttons her pants and pulls them from her body, trying to keep her focus as Clarke’s fingers part wet lips to dip into her and brush against her clit.

“Why do we have friends again?” Lexa asks breathlessly with a lift of her eyebrow as she pulls back a bit and Clarke just chuckles as she pushes Lexa’s shirt off her shoulders with her right hand.

“They aren’t here now.” She smirks mischievously and Lexa can’t stop the moan that tares its way through her throat as she kisses Clarke deeply, her tongue sweeping into her mouth and brushing against the rough of her mouth and her own tongue as Clarke’s fingers become more persistent against her clit, brushing in a motion Clarke has seemed to learn that Lexa likes and the brunette moans into her mouth loudly, unable to help it as Clarke forces her down on the couch and pulls her left hand from her core to tug her pants completely off.

“Good point.” The brunette mutters briefly as Clarke smirks down at her and enters her without much warning, making Lexa arch up into the intrusion and her eyes snap shut as the pleasure fills her sense immediately.

 

***

 

Lexa’s arms circle around Clarke’s waist and the blonde feels the sigh leave her before she can even think about stopping it, feeling home each time Lexa is wrapped around her. She is in her baggy hoody, and Clarke forces the thoughts of turning and taking the offending garment of clothing from Lexa’s body off. She’s starving and needs actual sustenance; though she wishes she could just live off the taste of Lexa for the rest of her life because nothing tastes better than her.

Lexa’s lips and teeth drag across the column of her neck and she moans as Lexa’s hand slips under her long t-shirt. “Shouldn’t ever wear clothes,” Lexa husks in her ear and Clarke shivers, turning in her arms to kiss her desperately, thoughts of food forgotten temporarily as Lexa’s tongue seeks her own. She lets the brunette lift her up onto the counter and moans deeply as Lexa opens her legs and pulls them around her waist.

“Think we were supposed to objectify this counter at one point.” Clarke tells her breathlessly and laughs as she feels Lexa’s laugh travel into her mouth. Her laugh falls short as she feels Lexa’s fingers press against her core, her head falling back and Lexa’s tongue and teeth mark her pale skin until she knows the bruises will show for days. She doesn’t care, she loves being marked by her.

“Like this?” Lexa whispers, fingers sliding between drenched folds and inside of her, stilling a moment so Clarke can adjust to the feeling, but she really doesn’t need much time, her hips pushing forward and a soft moan leaving her throat as she urges Lexa to move inside of her.

“Yeah,” She moans as Lexa sets a pace and grips onto the girl as if she fears losing her balance.

She feels the pressure of Lexa’s movements, the twist of her stomach and the warmth pool between her legs and the pleasure spike through her with each touch. She moans because she can’t hold it in, and whimpers as Lexa’s fingers twist inside of her to adjust so she can press her thumb to her clit and circle it as she reaches inside of her as if looking for a spot in particularly.

They both know when she finds it.

She can feel herself flutter around Lexa’s fingers, she can barely breath as the orgasm rips through her and she holds onto her so tightly she’s sure there are bound to be marks left in her skin.

Clarke doesn’t even care and neither does Lexa.

 

***

 

Lexa sits too far from Clarke as they await the interview ahead of them, the space on the couch is plenty and Clarke can think of nothing but closing the distance. She spends two seconds contemplating it before she does, slipping across the particularly hard cushion until she’s right next to her favorite person in the world (besides her brother but they’re both on different levels), and sighs contentedly when Lexa’s arm slips around her, the girl pressing a soft kiss to the top of her ear.

The interview starts shortly after and Clarke doesn’t bother parting from Lexa, though the brunette’s hold is loose, comfortably around her as if it’s something friends would do. Clarke’s thoughts and intentions are always more than friendly, and she’s clearly distracted throughout the entire process, already able to read the magazine covers ahead as her eyes seemed far more interested in watching Lexa’s hands move as she speaks and soft clench of her jaw whenever the interview gets too personal.

She could watch her forever.

“So you two have gotten very close, and it’s clear there are a lot of rumors circulating around that. How do you both think that’s affected your professional relationship?” The lady asks as professionally as possible and Clarke for once does not care about its invasion. They’re going to ask and ask and ask forever. They’ll never get what they want but Clarke has what she wants. All she wants is Lexa and Lexa is here, next to her, holding her, making love to her at night, it doesn’t matter what the magazines say or how invasive these interviews get. It doesn’t change who she falls asleep with at night. She is all Lexa’s, every last piece of her.

“People talk; it’s what they do in this business.” Lexa answers smoothly, standoffish as usual, though her stiffness seems to melt a bit when Clarke’s fingertips glide through the side of her hair to brush the strands back and push the locks behind her ear. She is beautiful, sitting beside her so calm and stoic but yet still so soft, so Lexa.

Clarke is so in love. “You can’t let stories and rumors control your life.” Clarke says after a moment, finally looking away from Lexa long enough to answer the lady across from her. “Lexa and I work very well together and we have a very close friendship and that fact only improves our relationship on screen which is important to a lot of people.” Lexa’s hand tightens around her waist and Clarke can’t help the smile that edges its way onto her face as she does so.

“And there isn’t anything going on?” The lady looks unconvinced as she watches there close interactions, but Clarke doesn’t much care what she thinks. She doesn’t care what the rest of the world thinks. She doesn’t care.

She is Lexa’s and she hopes Lexa wants to be hers. “She wishes,” she teases Lexa after a moment, using her own words against her and laughing as Lexa scoffs next to her, clearly knowing exactly what she’s referencing.

 

***

 

“Hey Wells, can I ask you a favor?”

Lexa taps her pen against the paper in front of her, circling lines that she’s having trouble remembering and trying to imprint them in her brain. Later she will pace and read them out loud, but for now she’s only highlighting, her other hand tangled in Clarke’s hair as the girl’s head rests in her lap, her voice quiet as if she’s trying very hard not to disturb Lexa’s concentration. She’s adorable, unknowingly disturbing Lexa just by being near her. It’s not something Clarke can help. Lexa finds her to be far more interesting than anything else and that’s not Clarke’s fault.

Clarke is just Clarke. It’s not her fault Lexa has fallen so deeply in love with her.

“No, no, not this time. It’s a bit more complicated than that.”

She clicks her pin, other hand still moving slowly and gently through soft blonde strands as she flips the page and circles another line, staring at it and repeating it over and over in her head. She tries hard to focus on them, tries hard to understand their meaning and feel the emotions temporarily in her conscious as she highlights but it’s hard to do when Clarke’s head lay in her lap and she can feel her eyes glued to her face. She suddenly built with an urge to throw these papers across the room and Clarke’s phone as well and make love right here on the floor. She’s still trying to get every surface in the house anyway.

“I want you to bring him to me this time; do you think you could do that?” Lexa’s mind falters as Clarke touches her jaw with the tips of her fingers, gliding across her features delicately as if she is fragile. She blinks a few times, to pull herself from the touch and flips the page again, clicking her pen a few times to try and focus on her task at hand. The clicking helps annoy her, but not exactly distract her, Clarke’s touch is so addictive and she finds her body shivering as the girl’s fingertips brush down the column of her neck.

She circles another line and repeats the process a few times but she isn’t even sure what she’s reading. “I don’t quite know yet, I just wanted to make sure it was okay. I want him to meet Lexa.” Lexa drops the pen against the paper, focus lost as she looks down into pretty blue eyes. The girl smiles at her and Lexa’s heart fills with something massive, she’s not even sure that love covers it anymore.

Clarke is going to be the death of her and she doesn’t even think she minds anymore.

“Yes she can’t wait to meet him, but don’t tell him that. I want it to be a surprise.” Clarke sits up from her resting place and climbs into Lexa’s lap, to push back strands of brown hair and stare into her eyes as she listens to whatever Wells is saying to her on the other line. Lexa’s hands are on her hips, grateful for the girl’s lack of pants and suddenly love for long baggy shirts instead. It’s not only easy access but she looks sexy as hell and Lexa’s mind is always in the most inappropriate places whenever Clarke walks around in them, knowing there nothing lies underneath.

Lexa’s hand trails across Clarke’s thigh and slips underneath the fabric, quickly traveling to her most desired destination. “Thanks Wells, bye.” The blonde mutters in a rush, hanging her phone up and tossing it aside. The moment she hangs up the phone Lexa is kissing her, focused on the taste of her lips as the blonde’s hands tighten in her hair. She picks her up and Clarke giggles beautifully into her mouth as Lexa heads toward the bedroom. A place they’d never leave if they had the option.

 

***

 

The knock on her door has Lexa shooting up from where she had been cuddling Clarke in bed while the blonde takes a nap, excitement edging into her attitude as she shakes Clarke awake, the blonde grumbling at her and smacking her away as if highly offended that she would even dare disturb her sleep.

The blonde stirs as Lexa urges her up. “That’s your brother.” She says with obvious excitement and Clarke wonders for a brief moment who the actual seven year old is but she opts not to actually say that out loud, instead only sleepily smiling up at the beautiful girl in front of her as she tries to wake herself up.

She too is excited to see her brother, and pulls herself from her daze to bring herself to reality. She blinks a few times and Lexa tugs her from the room and rushes toward the door the moment she’s on her feet and she can’t help the laugh that seems to escape her at the brunette’s obvious excitement. She doesn’t completely understand why but she’s excited herself for her two favorite people to meet and kisses Lexa’s cheek affectionately before she’s reaching for the door and tugging it open.

Her little brother jumps into her arms immediately with a cry of her name and the blonde squeezes him so tightly he grumbles about not being able to breath for a moment. She releases him a few seconds later and backs up to check him over, to make sure everything about him is alright and he is safe and he is. He’s growing so fast, and she feels a sense of sadness that he is always so much taller every time she sees him, but she washes it away to focus on the happiness of having him here now.

“Is that Lexa, Clarke?” Jake asks shyly, gripping her hand as Wells shuts the apartment door behind him and offers Lexa his hand.

“Heard a lot about you.”

“Nice to meet you.” Lexa offers back and shakes his hand, though her eyes stray toward the little boy halfway hiding behind Clarke shyly as he stares up at her with something unreadable in his eyes.

“That is, aren’t you going to say hi? She really wants to meet you.” Clarke encourages lightly, brushing her hand through the short soft blonde locks of his hair on his head as he smiles shyly over at Lexa.

“Hi,” he says cutely and Lexa smiles at him, a smile that Clarke has never quite seen before and she’s already deciding that she’s completely in love with it. But of course she is, she’s in love with her, and she’s only falling more the longer Lexa stands there, staring at her brother like he’s a god given gift to the earth.

“Hi, I’m Lexa.” She says gently, and reaches her hand out for him which seems to spring the boy into action. He pulls away from Clarke and grabs Lexa’s hand to shake it gently and he smiles warmly at her.

“You’re so pretty.” He says with a soft blush and ducks his head shyly as Lexa pulls her hand away.

“Well thank you. You’re not so bad yourself.” She teases lightly and the boy smiles one of his wide smiles that Clarke knows the both of them as siblings share.

“Really?”

“Yeah, your quite handsome, but how could I expect anything less, your sister is so beautiful.” Clarke blushes and rolls her eyes at Lexa when the brunette looks at her.

“And I’m the good looking one, that’s saying something.” Everyone in the room laughs at that one and the air in the room grows comfortable. Wells tells Clarke and Lexa of how he’s doing in school and Jake plays with some of the new toys Lexa bought for him before he got there. He talks Lexa’s ear off about all the things in the world he could possibly talk about and Clarke watches as Lexa hangs onto every word. Her heart feeling fuller than she thinks it’s felt in a long, long time.

 

***

 

“Lexa,” Jake swings his feet on the stool, being so far from the ground that he can and Lexa watches over him as he colors at the drawing in front of him with the crayons the restaurant had offered them. Both Wells and Clarke are focused on getting coins for the arcade, so Lexa sits with him alone, admiring how much he looks like Clarke and wondering for a moment if both Jake and Clarke look mostly like their dad.

She makes a mental note to maybe ask Clarke that question later. “Yes?” She asks, picking up a green crayon he slides over to her. She scoots closer to him and he points at an image on the paper and taps it so she knows where he wants her to color and she smiles widely at him, obeying his command, lightly coloring in the image as she watches his concentrated face from the corner of her eye. He is utterly adorable.

“Do you love my sister?” He asks after a long moment of silence, as they both focused on coloring in all the images. He goes for another color and looks up at Lexa with wide eyes before he seems to focus back on the images he’s trying to color and Lexa can’t help that her chest feels tight at his question.

“Yes I do” seems to fall from her lips before she even thinks about it because she doesn’t have to think about it. Yes she does, she does very much and there isn’t a thing in this world that’s truer. Clarke is single-handedly one of the most important, maybe even the most important, person to her in the world and she doesn’t at all have to hesitate on a thought like that. Her love for Clarke is pure and beautiful and so fucking true that she’s sure she’s saying it even when she’s not speaking at all.

“So you won’t hurt her right?” He asks after he takes in her answer and Lexa almost laughs at how adorable he is but she doesn’t. She holds it back because he’s serious and she wants Jake to take her seriously as they talk about this, no matter how young he may be, she still wants him to know that her feelings for Clarke are true. That he can trust her.

“I don’t plan on it.” She tells him honestly, finishing up the one image and letting the boy take the green crayon from her and replacing it with a purple one. He points at another blank image and Lexa nods once to show she understands and begins to lightly color that one as well, still very distracted with watching his concentration than she is on her own task.

“I love my sister, I want to protect her.” He informs her after another moment and Lexa feels her heart hurt a bit at that. She thinks it’s adorable and so fucking cute. She assumes that at this point Clarke and her brother have inherited most things from their father as she doesn’t know how the woman that birthed them could even be the way she is when she has the most amazing children. She just hopes Jake is treated better than she treats Clarke.

She pushes those thoughts back as they begin to anger her. “What do you want to protect her from?” She urges him to confide in her gently. Finishing coloring in the purple star and picking up the red crayon of her own accord and coloring another image next to the star.

“From getting hurt. She and mom always fight; I think that’s why she doesn’t come home anymore.” He seems sad when he says it but he’s also thoroughly distracted. He does the same knit of his eyebrow that Clarke does when she’s in deep contemplation and Lexa’s heart feels extremely full again as she takes notice of this.

“She loves you.” Lexa says after a while of thinking of the right thing to say. She doesn’t quite know but she does know that Jake reminds her of her own brother and that’s already solidifying a strong emotional attachment she hadn’t been expecting. She doesn’t know how she’ll explain this one.

“I know. She loves you too.” Jake says looking up at her with that big smile he does, that his sister also does, and her heart beat increases the way it always does every single time she hears that Clarke loves her. She doesn’t care in what way anymore, she’s just happy to be loved by her because she loves her so much as well and she can’t think of one reason that she wouldn’t want Clarke to love her, no matter what way that may be. Whether it’s the same as Lexa feels or not. She doesn’t care, she just cares about Clarke.

“Does she?” She asks after a moment lightly, with a small smile and Jake just nods, his concentration coming back as he focuses on finishing up coloring all the images in front of him. He’s so particular about it and serious when he’s focused on it that Lexa can only admire how adorable it is.

“She told me so.” He says and Lexa blinks a few times to keep her eyes from watering. She’s being silly, she doesn’t quite know why she’s being so emotional, but she can at least get a handle on herself and not cry in the middle of a restaurant in front of the love of her life’s little brother.

“I love her.” Lexa says seriously, her voice shaking as it comes out and she tries to get herself to focus back on the picture in front of her instead of the overwhelming emotions surfacing through her before she can stop it.

“Well good, so you want to protect her too.” Jake says matter-of-factly, dropping the crayon to provide Lexa with his undivided attention. She does so as well, looking at him as he stares at her and she can’t help the small smile that escapes its way onto her face.

“Yes I do.” She tells him honestly.

“We can protect her together than.” He’s got this determined little look to his face that makes Lexa bite her lip to keep from laughing; she doesn’t want him to think she’s laughing at him but he’s just so adorable. There’s no way that someone could meet this boy and not love him immediately.

“You would let me protect her with you?” She asks delicately, watching as the boy contemplates her question for a moment.

“Yeah you’re commander.” Jake clearly references her television show and Lexa can’t help the laugh that escapes her this time.

She nods her head. “That’s right.”

“And I’ll be your second and we’ll protect Clarke.” He offers his hand out to her for her to shake again and she laughs more as she takes it and shakes it, urging her face to be more serious as she meets his eye line again.

“Deal.”

 

***

 

“Can we watch this one?” Jake hovers over a movie on the screen, pointing at it as he looks up at Clarke.

She nods at him, ruffling his soft hair. “We can watch whatever you want buddy.” She tells him softly and watches as a big smile blossoms on his face. They both get distracted as Lexa pops out of the bedroom, her hair up and looking so good Clarke knows she’s blatantly staring.

She’s on her way back to her apartment to drop some things off, check her mail, things like that and then she’s coming back, but her attire and obvious direction to the door has Jake’s attention in an instant. “Lexa where you going?” He sits up on his knees and the brunette stops heading toward the direction of the door and turns to offer him one of her best reassuring smiles. She’s always so beautiful and Clarke finds that her own smile is on her face before she can stop it.

“Lexa has to go do Lexa things, she’ll be back.” Clarke tells him gently, eyes roaming Lexa before she looks over at her brother who’s staring at the brunette with those pleading wide eyes he does when he wants something to go his way. It’s laughable and the action is hardly resistible. She knows she has a hard time saying no when he sets that look on her and if Clarke has learned anything new in these last few days, it’s that Lexa’s a total softie for children. She never had a chance the moment he said her name.

“We were going to watch a movie.” He pleads cutely and Clarke can’t help the scoff that escapes her as she amusedly watches Lexa melt before her, her eyes barely moving from the boy that sits beside Clarke. She’s totally weak for him and it’s the most adorable thing.

“I can stay for a movie.” Lexa drops her bag on the counter top and kicks her shoes off as she walks further into the room, Clarke and Jake have matching smiles as she takes a seat on the couch beside Clarke, though she scoots over a bit to let Jake sit in the place in-between her and Clarke.

The blonde can’t help the teasing grin that’s on her face, and the adorable eye roll she gets from Lexa just makes her smile bigger. Her arm runs along the back of the couch, tangling her fingers into the side of Lexa’s hair and smiling warmly at her as Lexa finally returns her gentle smile. There’s just something about the way Lexa looks at her in these moments that has everything inside of Clarke flipping. She wants to tell her that but she doesn’t. “Don’t kiss, kissing gross.”

Clarke can’t stop the laugh that rises. “Kissing is gross, we would never.” Lexa replies with a wrinkle of her own nose and Jake seems to copy the expression as he thinks further on the kissing business.

“You kiss on TV.” He reasons, his face contorting a bit more as he remembers that fact and Clarke laughs more because she can’t help it.

“But why would we in real life?” Lexa shakes her head with the same look on her face.

Jake nods his head. “True. It’s gross.”

“Yeah, so gross.” Lexa tells him before making a “blah” noise and grinning over at Clarke who can’t resist the warmth of her smile. She stares at her as Jake clicks the movie so that it begins playing, and her heart flutters as Lexa tangles her hand with Clarke’s along the back of the couch, kissing her hand gently.

Her two favorite people sit beside her as the movie plays and Clarke could not be happier.

 

***

 

The days pass by quickly and soon Jake has to leave. Lexa had to leave earlier, offering her goodbye with a kiss on his cheek and a soft “see you later kid,” that had Clarke’s heart clenching in her chest.

She frowns as Wells pulls Jake’s backpack around his shoulders and gives him a wide grin, ruffling his hair lightly before standing and offering Clarke a hug, who tightly wraps her arms around him before she pulls away to look down at her brother. She gets on her knees so she’s level with him and he watches her silently, letting her take his hands in her own. “Remember, you can’t tell mom you saw me.” She whispers softly.

He nods his head because he understands. “Clarke, are you coming home for Christmas this year?” He asks quietly. There’s a small pout on his mouth as he asks as if he already knows the answer and Clarke’s heart seems to clench tightly in her chest, the fear of disappointing him increasing as she watches the small knit of his eyebrow as he thinks too hard about it.

“I don’t think so buddy, but I’ll come see you before then.” She promises, but he still nods at her sadly, his eyes falling down to the floor as he takes in her information.

“But no telling mom?” He asks again, checking over it and Clarke nods her head again.

“No telling mom.” She says quietly.

He seems to be in deep thought about something as he goes over it in his head, and then he looks back up from the floor and meets her eye line to smile at her. “Lexa said she’d help me protect you,” He seems the need to inform her of this and she can’t help the way her heart skips over itself as if that news is something shocking to her.

It really shouldn’t be, but the thought of her brother and Lexa talking about protecting her does something inside of her. “Did she?” She sets him with a soft amused gaze that breaks into a grin when he nods his head up and down rapidly.

“Yeah, I like her.”

Clarke smiles warmly at him. “Yeah, me too.”

“Alright, we’ve got to go.” Wells says sadly, hugging Clarke again as she offers him one. Clarke hugs her brother tightly one last time as well and walks them to the elevator. He hugs her again as tightly as he can before he’s parting from her to get on the elevator and he whispers in her ear.

“Tell Lexa I said bye.” He says it urgently, like Lexa could forget about him or as if he fears she wouldn’t know that he is leaving. It’s sweet and she nods at him as he parts from her, hopping onto the elevator and grabbing Wells’s hand as they both smile over at Clarke one last time.

“Of course.” She promises him and he smiles big and wide in that way that Clarke adores.

“I love you.” He says before the doors close.

And Clarke quickly replies “I love you too,” before they shut. She gets a bit emotional as she watches the elevator door close and has to wipe at her eyes to will herself not to cry about it. It’s silly but she loves her brother and she quite misses him already, even before he’s really gone. Sometimes it feels like she won’t ever see him again and she knows she only ever feels that way because of the fear her mother has instilled in her for a while now. Breaking out of the habit is a bit hard.

 

***

 

“ _Clarke_ ,” Lexa whimpers and Clarke’s hand goes up to press against Lexa’s mouth lightly as a warning.

“Quiet, you don’t want our friends to catch us do you?” Clarke teases as she curls her fingers inside of her in a particular way that she’s learned that Lexa quite likes. It makes the girl whine quietly in her throat as she nods and Clarke slowly removes her free hand from the girl’s mouth, her lips meeting Lexa’s as she keeps her firmly pressed into the wall in the empty hallway.

“I’m close,” Lexa whimpers as Clarke’s kisses travel down her throat, to that spot she likes under her jaw and Lexa’s grip on her grows tighter as she breathes raggedly, struggling hard to keep her noises to a minimum in hopes they don’t get caught.

Clarke nips at her skin. “I know,” She tells her softly, and pressing into Lexa just right that the brunette thumps her heads against the wall behind her, urging closer to the edge that Clarke always hangs her on. “Come for me baby,” She whispers in her ear and Lexa is gone, her hand flying to Lexa’s mouth again, pressing firmly to try and quiet the noises that leave Lexa’s throat that she can’t stop while she’s falling.

Each time is like a revelation to Clarke, she thinks maybe she could watch Lexa come for the rest of her life while never getting anything in return and she’d be perfectly satisfied, as it’s the most beautiful thing she’s sure she’ll ever see in the world.

She comes for a while, and there’s muffled words against Clarke’s hand with each jerk of her hips as the orgasm washes through her body and makes her feel so good, the way that Clarke is absolutely in love with making her feel. Now probably isn’t the time for Clarke to push Lexa, but she finds that she doesn’t quite want this to end, and her fingertips are rubbing at the brunette’s clit in the perfect motion until she’s falling again and Clarke presses her hand more firmly as Lexa’s noises grow louder and harder to maintain.

Likely no one will catch them in an empty hallway when the whole party is on the other side of the house, but she knows Lexa would be too loud if she raised her hand off her mouth, and urges her down slowly with soft kisses to her neck and brushes of her fingertips that have Lexa twitching until she’s slumping back against the wall, shaking, and would be falling if Clarke wasn’t holding her with the firm press of her body and Lexa’s one leg wrapped tightly around her waist.

“You’re so beautiful when you come,” Clarke mumbles into her ear, nipping at the lobe softly as Lexa shivers and her grip on her grows firm and tighter than Clarke had expected. She’s also learned that Lexa gets a bit emotional after coming, and she can’t help but find it endearing, so she holds her lightly and offers her the comfort she normally does when Lexa gets caught up in her feelings.

“Let’s go home Clarke.” Lexa chokes out through her dry throat softly in her ear and holds her tighter. Clarke smiles a bit and kisses her ear again, feeling the shiver that runs through Lexa as she does. She backs up from her slowly, to meet her eyes and they’re bright and hazy, filled with all of Lexa’s emotions that she often tries her hardest to hide. Clarke always feels special to be able to see her like this, to have permission to look past her facades.

She pushes hair behind Lexa’s ear and leans forward to press her forehead to Lexa’s. “We have a few more hours, baby.” She tells her gently and the girl shudders with eyes slipping shut, but Clarke pats at her cheek lightly so they open again and she can look into them.

“I want to go home now.” Lexa tells her with a scratchy voice and Clarke bumps her nose against Lexa’s softly.

“Alright.” She agrees and slowly backs up from the girl to urge her from the wall, though she lets her hesitate, as her legs shake and she tries to gain control of her own limbs, her thoughts and actions still clouded by the two orgasms Clarke had urged upon her. “Are you okay?” Clarke asks gently as Lexa rubs a tear from her eye and nods her head, reaching for Clarke’s hand and Clarke takes it immediately, squeezing her hand to comfort her in the best way she can.

“I’ve never been better.” Lexa whispers with a smile and Clarke returns it, nodding her head and urging Lexa to walk a bit ahead of her. They leave, offering that Lexa isn’t feeling well, and ignore the protests they’re given as Clarke guides her favorite brunette out the door.

 

***

 

“I hate these things.” Clarke grumbles as the unpleasant thought of having to spend hours answering the same kind of questions she’s always asked over and over seems to surface through her mind. Lexa grabs at her hand, pulling her close and tangling their fingers together as they walk toward the building, unable to really look at anything that isn’t Clarke.

“You hate anything that requires you getting off your couch.” She teases back after a moment of silence and a chuckle escapes Clarke as she pulls Lexa to a stop so she can pull her close and wrap her hands firmly around her waist, her nose brushing against Lexa’s affectionately, in a move they seem to do often lately.

“I hate anything,” Clarke kisses her gently. “That requires me to leave my bed, where we should be right now.” She tells her lowly and Lexa is sure Clarke feels her shiver as her hands slide under her shirt to touch across her skin lightly and sweetly. Lexa was already addicted to her touches, her mind littered with the memory of them when they were apart or she was unable to be near her.

“Let’s ditch this interview.” Lexa says immediately and Clarke can’t hide the soft smile that attaches to her lips. It’s a wide beautiful grin that Lexa’s fingertips trace before she’s even thinking about it and her heart feels full and massive her chest as Clarke stares at her in that important way that always reminds her there’s something important there, something she doesn’t really feel like she’s quite forgetting anymore. She still can’t place it.

“Yeah?” Clarke asks with clear amusement, her arms tightening around Lexa’s waist and her kiss pressing against Lexa’s lips before she can quite respond and Lexa finds herself yet again overwhelmed with emotion, her fingers tangling in Clarke’s hair as she immediately deepens the kiss in a way the blonde must not have been expecting, if the soft moan that leaves her throat is any indication.

The noise sends a feeling straight between her legs and she can’t think of any other place she’d rather be than naked in Clarke Griffin’s bed, making love to her until she can’t manage to find any more energy. She wonders if she’ll ever get enough, all it takes for her to know she won’t is the soft brush of Clarke’s tongue against her own. “I’d much rather be fucking you.” She mumbles against her mouth and smiles as Clarke lets out a loud laugh that seems to garner the attention from a few people waiting outside the same building they’re supposed to be heading into.

“How crass.” Clarke scolds playfully, pecking at Lexa’s lips before she can quite respond.

“Mmm,”

“Come on before they catch us.” Clarke tugs on Lexa’s hands and they take off in a run, though they’re caught by a few camera’s as they leave and know there will be consequences to pay over this but neither of them care as they fumble into Clarke’s car, hurrying back to her apartment in almost a rush, but not quite one.

They both have never felt like they’ve had so much time as they do now.

 

***

 

Clarke’s hands move over the paper in front of her, her eyes slipping up to look at Lexa every once in a while as the brunette lays back against the head board, she as well just watching Clarke as she works on a drawing she can’t quite see from her position. She wants to lean over and check but she doesn’t, her muscles feeling almost like lead and nearly screaming at her for even thinking about moving. “You look so beautiful.”

Lexa blinks at her a moment, taking in her words and she wonders if Clarke often sees her the way Lexa sees Clarke. “I look like I haven’t crawled out of this bed in three weeks.” She finds her voice and manages to tease, a soft tired smile stretching across her lips as she adjusts in the bed back against the pillows at her back and the headboard behind her.

Clarke chuckles. “Three days basically, but close enough.” She shoots her that beautiful smile and then her eyes focus again on the sketch below her, though she keeps looking up every once in a while at her and Lexa finds herself blushing at that fact.

“What are you sketching?” She asks after a moment of silence, wanting to move to look and slowly getting herself too despite the protest of her muscles.

“You, so stop moving.” Clarke places her hand on her leg to get her to stop and Lexa does, freezing slightly as she struggles to see the paper from her position.

“You are not.” She says disbelievingly, even as Clarke looks up at her with that amused stare of hers that Lexa loves so much.

“I am, see.” She flips her book over and shows Lexa the beginning sketches of a drawing of her and Lexa gasps a bit, sitting forward as she examines the contents in front of her. She wants to trace the lines with her fingers but she can’t quite reach it. She wonders if this is how Clarke really sees her and wonders how it’s possible for Clarke to make her look so beautiful.

“ _Clarke_ ,” She says breathlessly and the girl smiles widely at her.

“It’s not finished so stop moving, I told you, you look beautiful.” The blonde offers up as reasonable explanation, flipping her book back down on the bed and hunching over it, a small knit of her eyebrow as she focuses on her drawing. She glances up at Lexa, examining the pieces of her she’s drawing and Lexa feels the heat rise into her cheeks before she can stop it.

She lets Clarke work for a while, the quiet settling comfortably between them as Lexa grows used to blue eyes shifting from her and back down again so she can’t paint Lexa to memory on the pages below her. She feels her chest tighten as she watches Clarke work, feels her breath catch every time Clarke looks up at her and she wonders how in the world she ever got lucky enough to be able to be here, with her, with the loveliest person in the world. She wants to tell her and finds her mind wandering to the letter that sits in a drawer at her house now, one on her side of the bed and she wishes she had thought to pick it up the last time she was there. “Clarke,”

“Hmm?” The blonde stays focused, only looking up at Lexa when she needs the reference but clearly half listening as she sketches out the brunette’s face. Lexa watches the way she bites the inside of her cheek as she concentrates, her fingers itch to smooth out the knit of her brown the longer she focuses.

Clarke may be making her into art, but Lexa’s is well aware that Clarke is the only real art in this room. “Can we do a bit of talking?” She adjusts slightly against the sheets, her muscles whining a bit at the move as she tips her head to the side to keep watching Clarke as she works.

“We can always try.” Clarke teases but drops the smile as Lexa doesn’t seem to return it. She focuses on her drawing, aware that she won’t have the chance to finish if she puts it aside now, and she seems to be willing herself to be able to properly multitask.

Lexa wants to close the space between them again, to kiss her with every last emotion rising in her chest and listen to Clarke mumbles wordlessly against her mouth as she touches her. She will never ever get enough, she can’t get enough. Clarke is everything, absolutely everything to her. “Have you drawn Raven?” She asks curiously as Clarke shakes her head.

“No.” She states simply, eyes settling on Lexa’s collarbone, squinting and then leaning back down to brush her pencil against the paper.

Lexa adjusts in the sheets again and Clarke shoots her a look but doesn’t quite say anything. “What about other girls?” She asks curiously, wondering how many people have been lucky enough to be graced with the blessing of being drawn so beautifully by the very picture of art herself.

“I don’t usually draw people.” Clarke confides easily, her focus still mainly on Lexa’s collarbones, though they travel down in a way that informs Lexa that his has nothing at all to do with the drawing for a second. She’s starting to learn Clarke’s darker looks, the expressions she gets when her thoughts are traveling to less than decent places and she has to push back the urge to throw Clarke’s sketch on the floor and get back to one they’ve been mostly doing with each other for most of the last few days.

She’s far too tired and her body hurts at even the thought of moving. “But you’ll draw me?” She distracts herself as she picks at the sheet wrapped around her body.

“Yeah, I’ve drawn my brother too.” And Lexa wonders how important that makes her to Clarke, if that puts her in a place near her brother at all. She wouldn’t want to assume that Clarke could ever care about her that much, but the small spark of hope that she does only sets Lexa’s heart beating fast and aggressive in her chest.

“Clarke I have to tell you something.” She says almost urgently, but manages to keep her voice level as the blonde meets her eye a moment before she drops her focus back to the page below her.

“Okay.”

“I’ll wait tell you finish.” Lexa’s heart is beating hard and fast as her confession she made to Clarke’s door sits heavy on her mind, waiting at the tip of her tongue ready to spill off into the space between them.

“What is it Lexa?” Clarke looks up at her briefly but she gets distracted, erasing something and hunching over the paper a little more to fix whatever mistake she had made.

“It’s something, I was, I went to tell you a few months ago but,”

“Don’t move.” Subconsciously Lexa’s hands had begun to move and she struggled to think about staying still as she tried to talk.

“Sorry.” She whispers gently as her eyes continue to watch Clarke work, her heart feeling larger and larger with every passing second that she doesn’t say what she needs to say, but she can’t seem to word it, can’t figure out how to get herself to slip it all off her tongue. It’s why she had written it down so long ago, because saying it out loud is so much harder than just writing what she means. “I have to give you something.” She whispers a moment, but Clarke’s focus isn’t really on her, still pinned to the drawing below her.

“What is it?” The blonde asks delicately and Lexa struggles, her eyebrows knitting together as she tries to think of the proper words for what she wants to say. She doesn’t have the letter with her and she thinks maybe if she works it just right she can manage to repeat what she’s placed in the letter.

“It’s,” She hesitates, face contorting as she struggles to be able to figure it out. When Clarke looks up at her again, she gets that concerned look on her face, like she already knows what Lexa is feeling and places her pencil down against the paper, her fingers sliding over Lexa’s ankle to offer her touch of comfort.

It always helps. “Lexa,”

“Yeah?” She asks breathlessly.

“It’s okay, take your time.” She squeezes her ankle to let her know she’s listening and suddenly with Clarke’s full attention on her she loses a bit of her courage, slipping from her fingertips as if she never had a true proper hold of it.

She bites her lip. “Finish your drawing, so we can talk after.” She offers up as a distraction to maybe work up the courage a bit more so that when she says what she needs to say it comes out confident and sure, so Clarke knows how serious she is about her.

Clarke squeezes her ankle again. “Okay baby.”

 

 

It’s a few hours later when Clarke finally finishes her drawing, Lexa having already dozed off a bit halfway through. She’s coaxed back awake by Clarke’s gentle hands on her face, urging her eyes open and she sucks in a deep breath as those blues wash over her and admire her. Clarke leans down and kisses her gently and Lexa’s heart flips.

“I wasn’t going to wake you, but you wanted to talk?” Clarke brushes her nose against Lexa’s the brunette feels the air leave her longs as her arm reach up around the blonde and pull her down so she’s against her warmly, in the most comfortable of ways.

She’s just about to speak when there’s a loud banging on Clarke’s door and Anya’s voice travels through the space. “Clarke, give me back my best friend please.” She yells clearly, her voice muffled by the space and the walls between them, but she’s loud enough that Lexa is groaning out her displeasure at her arrival.

“I told you to charge your phone or she’d come for me.” Clarke teases lightly, kissing Lexa’s lips gently and sighing almost contentedly as Lexa kisses her back.

“Does she have to interrupt now?” Lexa pouts against her mouth even though she knows it’s not unreasonable. Her and Clarke have been wrapped up in each other for days, weeks, a couple months even that their friends have hardly seen them.

“It’s okay; go attend to your friend duties.” Clarke kisses her deeply before she can quiet move and Lexa sighs against her mouth, hold the side of Clarke’s face with one of her hands as she urges Clarke’s mouth open for her, and moans softly as the girl’s tongue brushes against her own.

“I have to tell you now.” Lexa huffs breathily against Clarke’s mouth as the blonde’s kisses travel from her lips across her jawline, her left hand coming up and turning Lexa’s chin up gently so she has easier access to her skin.

“Tell me what?” Clarke mumbles against her skin and Lexa shivers.

“I can’t,” Lexa struggles to get the words out, frowning at herself as Clarke backs up to meet her eyes. She leans forward, pressing their foreheads together again.

“Lexa it’s okay. Whatever it is, don’t force yourself to say it if you’re not ready.” She comforts her quietly, both of them ignoring the knocks on Clarke’s front door.

“I am ready. I just… I have to give you something.” Lexa whispers against her mouth as Clarke presses another kiss to her lips. Her eyes flutter shut as the feeling spikes through her but she urges them back open again, trying to maintain her focus long enough to get the confidence she’s striving for.

“Lexa I know you’re in there, you have to help me, you promised.” Anya’s whining at the door and it makes Lexa huff against Clarke’s mouth, half a mind to walk out and tell her to get lost before she tangles herself back in Clarke, but she knows it’s not right of her to do that. She has to attend to her best friend duties and Clarke will be here when she gets back, at least, she hopes she will be. She really isn’t sure how much time they have to be together.

“Go, I’ll be here when you’re done, okay.” Clarke whispers reassuringly, brushing her fingers across Lexa’s cheekbone before curving around the back of her neck and kissing her deeply again.

Lexa shudders. “ _Clarke_ ,”

“Hey.” She cups Lexa face in her hands and kisses her gently over and over until Lexa relaxes below her, Lexa’s nerves dissipate and her heart speeds up as she kisses Clarke more firmly. “There’s time. I know sometimes we act like there isn’t, but there really is.” The blonde mumbles against her mouth and Lexa smiles gently, with a soft nod.

“Yeah,” She says, letting out a breath as the stress slides away from her.

“Yeah. I promise there is.” Clarke smiles at her fondly and for a moment they just stare at each other. Their little world still wrapped perfectly in bubble wrap and protected safely from anything that can penetrate it.

Lexa doesn’t mind. “I will break this door down.” Anya shouts, pounding again and Lexa groans loudly, head falling back against the headboard as Clarke chuckles softly against her, kissing her jaw lightly and affectionately.

The brunette releases a heavy sigh as she looks at Clarke again and kisses her briefly. “I’ll see you later baby,” Lexa whispers against her mouth and kisses her firmly before bouncing up from the bed and tugging on layers of clothes. Clarke watches her dress and watches as she tangles a brush through her hair before tying it up. She leaves with one last kiss to Clarke’s lips before she’s out of the bedroom though she runs back into the room before quite making it to the front door just to kiss her again and Clarke laughs as she does, sighing almost tragically as she watches her leave.


	12. you're the only love I found and I'm hoping that you'll stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we've had a long break and I did a lot of thinking while I was trying to figure out how I was bridging one chapter of the story to reach the last and I've changed some things. The very first scene of the story is changed a bit (not really, just the time stamp at the top and few lines so it runs smoother with the story). This story is going to be coming to an end a little sooner than I had anticipated because all we have left is the letter for Lexa to give her and it would basically just be them dancing around it for too many more chapters and I don't want to write that. I want to write something that you can actually enjoy reading so I can make the best story possible out of what I've already done.
> 
> Because this is ending, I'll be working on something new and that will be up the week after this finishes. Thank you so much for all the support and feedback on this fic that you all have given me. Everyone that takes their time to read and tell me what they think really does mean a lot to me, I can only get better because of you. SO thank you.
> 
> That being said, we still have a few more chapters of this. This one, the next one, and the epilogue. So please enjoy the rest of the story and this chapter in particular. :)

##  _Summer, 2016_  

“I think our ship name is funny.” Clarke tells Lexa as she plops back against the couch in her living room. She scoots until she’s pressed against Lexa and doesn’t even think about it as Lexa’s arm moves around her to hold her closer. This is how they’ve been, how they are and Clarke doesn’t give a damn about anything else. It feels right to be with her like this, and they both just fall into the interactions.

“What’s a ship name?” The brunette raises an eyebrow curiously as she stuffs another chip in her mouth resting on the opposite side of her. Clarke watches her for a moment before she eyes the bag and then avoids answering her for a longer moment so she can lean over her and steal a chip. Lexa doesn’t seem to care at all as half her attention is still on the television across from them but Clarke’s eyes are busy following the features of her pretty face and memorizing what’s in front of her, for the nine hundredth time, all the details that are presented to her. She does it a lot, so much more now that they’re sort of together in all the ways they can be together.

“You know what a ship is.” Clarke rolls her eyes at her and places her open phone on Lexa’s thigh so she can see it clearly as she steals the whole bag of chips from Lexa’s side. The brunette again doesn’t seem to mind as she focuses on the screen, picking the phone up in her hands and scrolling through the feed. Her eyebrows raise slightly the longer she looks and Clarke can’t help that she finds it adorable.

Clarke snorts when Lexa scoffs at something that she must find particularly weird. “What is this?” She asks astounded, her thumb pushing up the feed continuously as her eyes examine each post. She’s adorable in her way, especially when she’s looking at something she doesn’t really understand.

“It’s called social media Lexa, you are hopeless.” Clarke giggles at her and she knows Lexa doesn’t fully appreciate it by the quick glare she receives before the brunette is looking down again. Clarke herself has never really been into social media, but she’d figured Lexa must really only ever get on it to post a promotional tweet or something like that, or maybe she’s just never been on this side of social media.

“Isn’t this a little crazy?” She asks after a while of still looking and Clarke can’t help but chuckle again. She would have showed her sooner if she had known Lexa was going to be so cute and clueless about it.

“Not really, but you must be.” The blonde teases and Lexa glares at her again, but it doesn’t hold much behind it.

“Ha, ha, is this what you do in your spare time?” She gestures her hand forward with the phone in it as if Clarke wouldn’t have understood what she was talking about unless she showed her. That’s another thing Clarke finds adorable about her, she really does like to talk with her hands. The blonde could watch her all day long and never get bored. She could watch only her hands move and she would be completely satisfied.

“You know what I do in my spare time.” Clarke wiggles her eyebrows up and down. A cackle leaves her as the brunette’s cheeks tint a deep shade of pink, her eyes suddenly focusing mainly on the screen in front of her rather than on Clarke’s teasing stare.

The blonde sets the bag of chips on the coffee table in front of her and whips her hands on her jeans before swiping her phone back from Lexa. “You would know this stuff already Lex, if you paid any attention to the internet outside of those lame posts you make.” Clarke teases further and locks her phone, placing that on the coffee table as well.

“Why pay attention to anything when I have you to spend all my time on?” The brunette charms, clearly picking up on the mood quickly. Her arm around Clarke tightens as she turns just right so she can brush her lips up the column of Clarke’s neck and the blonde is tipping her head to the side to give her more access before she even realizes it.

Clarke’s voice quivers. “You’re trying to be smooth but it’s not working.” She manages to keep her eyes open even though she has a strong urge to shut them. Lexa’s lips work up her neck and stop at her ear and she breathes softy until Clarke is shivering, as if it was her own goal to get Clarke to this place.

“It always works.” She says lowly, her voice soft and sexy and Clarke can feel the warmth between her legs in an instant. In the next moment Lexa straddles Clarke’s lap and the blonde’s throat goes dry a moment as a small snort leaves her because Lexa knows her so well. Even in this way, she knows her well. In fact, there’s not a lot Lexa doesn’t know and the more Clarke is with her, the more she wants to open herself up to her.

“Maybe it’s working a little bit.” She admits, her voice deeper and a bit huskier than she expected. It only puts that look in Lexa’s eye that Clarke’s grown quite used to when she uses that tone, the green becoming swallowed up with the black and stealing all of Clarke’s breath in the process.

“I already know it’s working.” She pulls Clarke’s arms around her waist and the blonde chuckles again as Lexa places a gentle sweet kiss against her cheek, drastically different from the mood she had been setting beforehand and Clarke’s heart clenches with the sweetness of her touch. Her hands tighten around Lexa’s waist as she feels the girl’s nose travel across her skin and then it’s Lexa’s lips down the other side of her jawline, pushing the mood back into what it had been before and focusing quite a lot on her task. Clarke’s heart has already picked up excessively in pace. “Did you get the new scripts yet?” She isn’t sure why she’s trying to make conversation but she does, even with a trembling voice and shaky hands.

“I always get them before you.” Lexa mumbles against her skin and Clarke’s head falls against the back of the couch.

“That’s why I was asking.” The blonde rolls her eyes and turns her head slightly so Lexa can reach more of her neck, whimpering slightly as the brunette nips at a particularly sensitive area. She stays there a moment, lavishing it with attention until Clarke is sure that she’s marked before she moves on, the tingly warmth of Lexa’s touches is enough to make her forget about whatever she had been trying to talk about in the first place.

“I haven’t but I think the table read is soon.” She pops the button on Clarke’s jeans and the blonde’s mind is lost again.

“Okay we can talk about that later.” She says heavily and flips Lexa onto her back on the couch, a soft giggle leaving the brunette as she does so that makes Clarke’s heart burst with affection. She really does love this girl.

 

***

 

 “I won’t drag you to the beach this year.” The blonde says casually as Lexa filters through some clothes on hooks. They’ve moved on to looking at sweaters but neither girl is really interested in what they’re seeing and for a good reason, as most of it, is rather ugly. Then again, they didn’t have much plans of buying a sweater so it’s not much of a loss. She’s here with Clarke and that’s what’s important to her.

“Did you just now decide this, at this moment?” Lexa looks up at her curiously, an eyebrow up as she watches Clarke’s nose scrunch up at a particularly ugly shirt she pushes past her. It’s adorable, but almost anything Clarke does is adorable to Lexa by this point.

“Yeah, though to be fair I had already decided it earlier.” Clarke informs her with a bright smile and Lexa can feel her heart clench tightly in her chest at the sight of it. She loves her smile. She loves her and again the letter is in her mind, swirling in the back, subconsciously wishing she had brought it with her just so she could thrust it toward her because Clarke has no idea how much she loves her, how much she feels and she wants her to know. She really does but she knows she can’t put it all into words out loud.

“I like to go if you go.” Lexa tells her honestly because it’s true. She’ll never like sand, or the heat, or the sun, or summer in general. But as long as Clarke is there she’ll always enjoy herself. Just being with Clarke is normally enough for her but she doesn’t tell her that. Maybe someday she will.

“You hate the sand; don’t think I haven’t memorized the face you make every time you step into it.” Clarke informs her with that serious look she gets when she’s absolutely sure of something. Lexa can’t help the slight smile that attaches to her face at the sight of it.

“It’s grainy and feels odd okay, and it’s too hot when the sun is beating on it all day and it gets _everywhere_.” She strings out the last word and watches the eye roll Clarke gives her but it only makes her laugh.

“Okay cranky.” Clarke teases and continues sifting through sweaters on the rack in front of her. She pointedly ignore Lexa’s glare which is trained on her alone. She knows the blonde can feel it because she always subconsciously stands up straighter whenever Lexa is looking at her and she knows Lexa is looking at her. It’s another adorable thing about her.

“I’m not cranky.” Lexa feigns offence, a hand above her heart as Clarke grins widely at her and playfully rolls those beautiful blue eyes at her antics. She’s adorable and Lexa fights her returning smile with all her willpower. She knows she will lose to it. When Clarke looks at her like that, smiles like that, when her voice sounds like that, there isn’t any way that she can fight a smile.

“Sand is grainy.” Clarke mocks, her tone higher pitched and her face scrunching up adorably. She’s mocking her but Lexa loses the fight to her smile and it’s spreading widely across her face before she can stop it, attaching to her lips and splitting her open, like she was always meant to smile as long as Clarke is with her.

“You’re on thin ice Griffin.” Lexa snaps playfully and Clarke’s eyebrows rise up curiously as if she hadn’t been completely expecting that response.

“Woo, thin ice, I’ve never been there before.” She observes, her smile coming back before Lexa knows it and her heart does that funny flip thing again.

“You can buy lunch now.” Lexa turns away from her and focuses on an opposite rack that keeps her back to the blonde. She shivers as she feels Clarke’s arms slide around her waist and pulls her back against her body. Her breath is soft and gentle on her ear and Lexa shudders slightly as she fumbles with the clothing on the rack in front of her and tries to focus on the items as they pass by her gaze. She knows it’s hopeless, she knows with Clarke wrapped around her it’s impossible to think about anything else.

“How can I make it up to you?” Clarke’s voice is all low and pretty, the way Lexa knows Clarke knows she likes it and she feels her stomach twist as she places a kiss under her ear. Her throat is too dry to say anything so she doesn’t and tries to focus on the clothes in front of her as Clarke’s kisses continue. “Want to go home instead, and I’ll cook you something?” She offers softly, her kisses lightly and affectionate on her skin, though it makes Lexa’s stomach tingle with every action.

“Cook?” Lexa’s voice cracks as she turns slightly and Clarke is looking at her just right that their noses bump together gently, flipping her stomach and sending her heart into her throat. She’d expected these physical responses to calm own at least, by now, but they just feel worse than ever and more consuming than before.

“Yeah, I’ll make your favorite.” She leans forward to press a light kiss against Lexa’s lips and the brunette shudders before she’s grabbing the back of her neck and deepening the kiss, uncaring of their location and who can catch them. They’re all over the internet anyway, she can’t really think of a reason why it would matter anymore.

“Is that a yes than?” Clarke chuckles against her mouth and Lexa nods, turning in her arms so the position is less awkward and she can kiss her more deeply. She honestly doesn’t care what they do; as long as she gets to be with Clarke while their doing it.

 

***

 

 “Stop scrunching up your nose,” Clarke teases as she pushes some of her food together and Lexa watches it with intense disapproval. Clarke has never been as stingy about her food but she normally tries to keeping the food from touching on her own plate as well, just so Lexa is always comfortable. She knows it ticks at something in the girl’s head and if Lexa knew that she did that for her she’d tell her not too. But today was a meal that required food to be touching, she couldn’t escape it.

“You’re being gross.” She tells her as if she isn’t aware of her food being mixed together. It only makes Clarke laugh and smile affectionately at the brunette girl across from her. She can feel the familiar heavy feeling of her love inside of her, swirling and staying as it always does whenever she so much as looks at Lexa. She isn’t afraid of it anymore, she knows what it is and she could never imagine feeling any other way about her.

“Not everyone is so stingy about their food.” Clarke teases the brunette and shivers slightly as she feels the girl’s ankle slide against her own under the table. Each touch is enough to make distract her for a long moment and she would have assumed that by now that would stop, but it hasn’t. She isn’t sure it’s possible for it too and she doesn’t think she wants it too.

“I’m not stingy.” Lexa pouts slightly as she focuses on her plate and Clarke’s heart clenches in her chest with the amount of affection that lies there for the pretty girl across the table from her. She wants to tell her, but she doesn’t. Maybe someday she will.

“No, you’re Lexa, and that’s perfectly okay.” Clarke mumbles affectionately and slips her hand across the table in a gesture that lets Lexa know she’d like to hold her hand and the brunette understands in an instant, their fingers slipping together and tangling as tightly as they can in a more awkward position.

Lexa’s looking at her in that soft way she does sometimes when she’s thinking a lot and feeling it all at the same time.  Clarke wants to ask but she can tell Lexa has something to say so she waits, she waits for her to be comfortable enough to tell her whatever is in her head and shows that she’s willing to listen. “I’m really lucky to have you in my life Clarke and I really wanted to give you something,” She starts her voice a little heavier than before as whatever thoughts going through her head surface and form into words. She goes to continue, her palm squeezing Clarke’s when the blonde’s phone interrupts whatever Lexa is saying briefly but the blonde waves it off, focused more on Lexa’s eyes than she is on the device in her purse. Though Lexa seems to stop talking as the sound persists and Clarke huffs slightly, finding the device so she can switch it off and focus on her date rather than being interrupted.

She bites her lip as she looks at it. “It’s Wells,” She mumbles after she sees the contact and continues to let it ring as she focuses back on Lexa’s face. She doesn’t need approval to answer it but she asks anyway because Lexa had been ready to share something with her, something in her head and she wants to hear what she has to say.

The brunette smiles softly at her, any hint of annoyance that had been there at her cellphone ringing before is suddenly gone. Wells is Clarke’s direct connection to her brother, they both know that. “Answer it. It’s okay.” Lexa’s smile is warm and beautiful and Clarke releases a small breath before slipping her hand out of Lexa’s to answer her phone, pressing the device to her ear.

“Clarke, I’m so sorry.” And that’s all it takes for Clarke’s heart to sink into her stomach. He sounds distraught, he sounds sincere and Clarke doesn’t like what that could mean, she doesn’t like it at all.

“For what?” She asks shakily. The way he sounds is something she doesn’t ever often hear from him. She leans back in her chair as he releases a sigh in her ear and she knows whatever news he has for her isn’t going to be good and she needs to prepare for it quickly because she knows who it’s about.

“It’s Jake, he slipped I mean, he was so excited about the trip and meeting Lexa apparently and I don’t know what fully happened, I just know Abby found out and she came by this morning and told me I’m not allowed to see him anymore, I’m sorry Clarke.” He’s speaking fast, quickly, his words sliding together as he explains to her what happened. Clearly he’s still upset and the situation is recent. Clarke’s heart starts to hurt as she takes in all his words.

“It’s okay Wells, calm down, it’s alright, have you spoken to him at all since?” She wonders when the last time was that Wells saw him and she hopes he’s okay. He’s probably confused above anything else, as their mother isn’t really good about keeping her freak outs from him.

“No, I tried, I stopped by the house but Abby forced me out. I figured she’d have called you by now, I’m so sorry.” He sounds so distressed and Clarke finds that it makes her heart sink and sink and sink.

“It’s not your fault Wells. Thanks for telling me. Do you know if he’s alright?” Her voice shakes a bit and she can see Lexa watching her from the corner of her eye, examining her and trying to pick up on what kind of a conversation she’s having. She knows it isn’t good of course, but she doesn’t know how badly and Clarke doesn’t know how she’s going to handle this.

“I assume so, he’s probably just confused, he’s never understood any of this Clarke, and I’m really worried about him.” And she knows he’s telling the truth because Wells cares a lot about him too. Jake is important to a lot of people, how could he not be? Clarke really doesn’t know what she’s going to do, she does know she’s going to have to figure it out quick.

“It’s okay; I’ll figure it out okay.” She tries to comfort him, she can tell by his sigh that it’s not really working.

“Clarke,”

“Don’t worry, I’ll figure it out. She can’t keep him from everyone that cares about him that just doesn’t make sense.” She feels her hand tangle through her hair on its own accord and she knows Lexa is listening, watching her with those pretty eyes that offer all the comfort even without touching her, without saying anything at all. Lexa says a lot more with her eyes than the blonde is sure she even realizes.

“Alright,” Wells sigh is defeated, not hopeful.

“I’m kind of in the middle of something but I’ll call you back in the morning and we’ll figure it out, is that alright?” She tells him, her eyes traveling to look at Lexa who’s still looking at her with all the sincerity she thinks the girl can muster.

“Yeah, sure, I’m still sorry Clarke.” He offers again and Clarke’s heart feels heavier than she’d like it too.

“I know; if you see him at all, tell him it’s okay. Mom probably blew up and scared him; just tell him it’s not his fault either.” It’s important he knows it isn’t, it’s important he’s aware that he hasn’t done anything wrong, that none of this is his fault and never could be his fault. She wishes she could tell him herself, she wishes she could be there with him right now.

“I promise I will Clarke.”

“Bye Wells.”

“Bye.” Clarke hangs up the phone and sets it back in her purse, her thoughts racing as she tries to figure out how she’s going to solve this issue. She knew it was probably too much pressure on her brother to encourage him to keep such a secret. She shouldn’t have done that to him, and now he’s probably scared and confused and he’s alone because she knows her mother isn’t going to offer him the right amount of comfort the correct kind of comfort to sooth all of his worries. He’s still so young, he doesn’t deserve this.

She wishes she could see him and soothe his worries since she knows her mother isn’t going to do it herself. “That didn’t sound good.” Lexa’s eyes are trying to catch her own and they eventually do, settling her stomach slightly and easing her uncertainties. All Lexa really has to do is be in her presence and she feels more rational and calm than she would if she were alone or with anyone else.

“It wasn’t. My brother, he must of accidently told mom about his trip here; she’s banned Wells from seeing him now too.” Clarke tangles a hand through her hair, brushing it back and out of her face as the stress begins to settle, twisting her stomach and making her food inedible. She pushes it away from her, as if the distance will help settle her stomach. It doesn’t.

“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice sounds worried and sad all at the same time and Clarke wants to soothe her too. She knows Lexa cares about her brother and cares about her and she doesn’t want her to stress as well. She doesn’t want her to worry at all.

“It’s okay Lex, I’ll figure it out, I’ll,”

“Clarke, you don’t have to do everything alone. Talk to me.” Lexa’s hand reaches out for hers again and Clarke takes it without really thinking about it. Her heart feels heavy and aches slightly at the thought of never seeing her brother again, of her mother actually winning whatever kind of stupid battle this is and keeping him from her for the rest of his childhood. That’s literally the worst outcome.

“I don’t know Lexa, she’s crazy. I don’t understand why she’d do this. I’m so worried about him.” Clarke’s hand parts from Lexa’s just so it can tangle through her hair again and Lexa still offers her those soft comforting eyes.

“I know.” Lexa stands up and rounds the table to sit in the seat next to Clarke rather than across from her. She wraps her arms around her and Clarke takes the comfort because it helps her, it feels good, it soothes her own worries. She thinks about her brother, alone and confused, and she clutches Lexa tightly to her, wishing she could protect him.

“He’s probably so confused.” She mumbles, squeezing her eyes shut as she pictures him.

“We’ll figure it out Clarke, we’ll reach him.” Lexa whispers and Clarke’s heart lurches.

“This just isn’t fair, I don’t understand.” Her voice cracks and she finds it annoying that she’s being so weak in a restaurant but she can’t help it and Lexa doesn’t mind and Clarke thinks that she’s lucky Lexa is here with her.

“I know, it’s going to be okay, I promise.” Lexa kisses her head gently and Clarke sighs heavily, clutching Lexa tighter and burying herself in the woman’s offered comfort. Her touch, her voice, her words are all enough to always help her and even though she isn’t sure what comes next, or what she’s going to do, she knows that as long as she has Lexa by her side she can get through anything.

 

***

 

 “Clarke?” Lexa calls out into the dark apartment, the only light coming from the cracked door of the bedroom. She’s quiet as she tips it open and is greeted with the sight of Clarke fast asleep against her pillows, her sketchpad pulled out and her phone beside it, the utensils over most of the covers, littered everywhere. It’s certainly a sight Lexa could never grow tired of coming home to, she’s almost sure of it.

She quietly creaks the door open enough to slip inside, picking up after the blonde and setting the items on the nightstand beside her. She looks so soft when she’s sleeping, so young and stress free that Lexa’s heart feels just a bit fuller the longer she stares. She wonders how long it actually takes her to rip her gaze away and finish picking up Clarke’s mess, she’s not even sure.

She plugs Clarke’s phone in when she notices that it’s dead and pulls the covers from under the blonde so they are around her, leaning down and brushing the strands of her hair off her face gently before kissing her temple. Clarke stirs, just a bit but not by much as if even in her sleep she can acknowledge Lexa’s touch, it only further swells Lexa’s heart until she’s sure she won’t be able to maintain it anymore and it will grow right out of her chest.

She flips the light off and rounds around the bed, kicking off her shoes and searching for comfortable clothes to change into. It’s only eight o’clock, and though she had a busy day she wasn’t exactly tired yet, though she is pretty hungry. She cleans her face of make-up and washes it before she decides to make herself something to eat and watches TV for a while as Clarke sleeps wondering how she can help Clarke with her brother. It’s been on the blonde’s mind for weeks now, her calls falling through, her efforts feeling useless. She hasn’t even been sleeping that well or eating and Lexa is worried. Most importantly she’s also angry.

Clarke’s mother is just someone she will never understand.

She loses herself in her thoughts until she hears Clarke cry and then she’s up in an instant, shooting across the room and through the threshold of her room in record time, on the bed and urging Clarke from her dream just as she releasing another strangled sob. “Clarke, baby, it’s just a dream, wake up.” Lexa urges desperately as Clarke cries, her heart picking up in pace with her panic. “Clarke,”

“Lexa,” Clarke mumbles as she wakes up, her eyes opening and attaching to the worried green ones in front of her. Lexa’s heart doesn’t quite slow down yet, the sound of distress coming from Clarke is one she never wants to ever hear again as she pushes back Clarke’s tangled hair and brushes away her tears.

“It’s okay, you’re safe, it’s okay.” She tells her quietly. “I’ve got you.” She whispers and Clarke sniffs as she throws herself around Lexa. “It’s okay.” She continues to tell her in her ear as Clarke holds her tightly and she holds her back, burying her face in the crook of Clarke’s neck to take in her scent as she brushes her hands up and down Clarke’s spine in the motion she knows soothes the blonde the most.

“Lexa,” Clarke mumbles with relief and Lexa continues the motions on her back, holding her tightly and keeping her as close as possible. She feels Clarke’s tension leave slowly, the dream fully fading away from her as Lexa relaxes her. She isn’t sure how long it will take herself to calm down, as the thought of Clarke in suffering sets her on edge, it’s just another thing she’s blaming Clarke’s mother for.

“I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” She promises quietly as the blonde shudders slghitly in her hold, not the kind of shudder that Lexa is used to feeling run through her when they’re together. It’s more of one for someone who’s scared and frightened and Lexa can’t help that it twists her gut just thinking of Clarke feeling that way.

“I love you.” Clarke mumbles into her, still frightened, still littered with the image of whatever dream that had been in her head. All Lexa can do is hold her, and comfort her and be with her and she does, willing to give up everything to keep Clarke safe.

“I’m here.” She promises and feels Clarke shudder again and her arms tighten like she isn’t sure she fully believes it yet.

“Don’t you ever die on me.” She whimpers and Lexa’s heart flips, her own arms tightening again and her hands urging under the material of the girl’s shirt so she can touch her skin, it always helps Clarke more when she does that.

“I won’t.” Lexa holds her tighter as Clarke tightens her own grip as well and the brunette isn’t sure how long they sit there, holding each other. She isn’t sure how long she soothes Clarke until their lying down again and she tries to urge the blonde back to sleep gently, with the soft caress of her hand on her stomach and her body against her own, with her arm wrapped around her and feeling Clarke leaning back into her.

The blonde sniffs and shivers a bit as Lexa’s hand continues the soft comforting motion on her stomach. “Want to tell me about it?” Lexa whispers against her ear quietly and Clarke nods into her pillow. Her hands gripping it slightly as she must keep trying to convince herself that it’s okay, she’s awake, that Lexa is beside her.

“I was driving in the car with my dad again to the hospital.” Lexa’s hand stops the motions briefly, but continues them after a faltering moment, knowing Clarke needs the security of it. “We stopped at a red light and I looked over at him but it wasn’t him anymore, it was you.” Clarke’s hands grip her pillow even tighter. “You were saying something important and I was trying to listen but then the truck came and you said you couldn’t stay anymore right before it hit you and you died.” Clarke starts to cry and Lexa tries to shift closer to her, kissing her ear trying to stop her from feeling the pain she does feel. “You said goodbye and you died.”

“I’m not going anywhere, I’m here, and it was just a dream.” Lexa whispers against her ear and brushes her fingers across her belly as Clarke whimpers quietly.

She turns slightly, to look at her and Lexa’s stomach turns at how beautifully blue her eyes are. “It was terrible Lexa.” She whispers quietly, her eyes staying locked with Lexa’s and sucking the hair from her lungs as she takes in her pain and her desperation.

“I’m here baby, I’m not going anywhere.” She tells her softly and leans forward, brushing her lips against Clarke’s and feeling her lips tremble against her own with her emotion. Clarke turns in the bed so she’s facing her, her hands sliding into Lexa’s hair and holding onto her like she’s afraid she’ll disappear.

“Don’t leave me.” Clarke whispers desperately against her mouth and Lexa’s heart lurches in her chest, splitting open with her love and she kisses Clarke more firmly, sliding her hand up her shirt and feeling her skin as the blonde shudders to her touches.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Lexa tells her again. “I’m staying, right here, with you for as long as you want me.” She mumbles against her mouth and Clarke huffs against her lips before kissing her deeply and invading her train of thought, taking the comfort she needs in Lexa’s kisses and the feeling of her hands on her skin.

She shudders and Lexa’s heart beats faster. “I never want you to go anywhere.” Clarke mumbles, and pushes Lexa onto her back, crawling on top of her and continuing their kisses. Lexa’s arms lock around her, holding her close as Clarke pours herself into Lexa.

“Then I never will.” Lexa says breathlessly against her mouth when Clarke gives her a bit of time to breathe, the blonde’s lips traveling across her jawline delicately, teeth nipping and tongue touching her skin to taste her, to savoir her, to memorize her, twisting Lexa’s stomach as well as her heart.

“You promise?” Clarke asks vulnerably against her ear and Lexa’s breath catches in her throat as her hands tighten around Clarke’s waist.

“I promise.” She answers just as vulnerably and stares into Clarke’s eyes when she lifts to meet her gaze again.

They look at each other awhile, for a few moments before Clarke leans back down and kisses her again, her tongue sliding into Lexa’s mouth and brushing against the girl’s own until she rips a soft moan from her throat and Clarke hands move from her hair to slide across her body, caressing her gently and feeling her skin.

Lexa’s hands slip up Clarke’s shirt again, tugging up until they part briefly so she can pull it off, tossing it across the room and pulling Clarke’s mouth back to her own, they’re mouths mold together like they belong there, barely parting even as they shed their layers of clothes and fumble with getting them as far away from them as possible.

Lexa moans Clarke’s name when she feels her hands where she needs her, moans her name as she takes her time and holds onto her as Clarke cherishes her body and she thinks of little else than loving the person above her and wanting to be with her, no matter what life throws at them.

 

***

 

Clarke slams her phone down just as Lexa enters her apartment but the blonde is too bothered to notice her presences. Another shuffle of her fingers through her hair and she abandons her phone at the counter, taking a break from the incessant calling she had tried doing just to get ahold of her brother. Nothing is working and her resolve was starting to wear thin.

She didn’t actually notice Lexa until the girl was right in front of her, jumping about ten feet when she felt her hands at her waist, tugging her forward into her body to greet her. “Hey,” Her voice is soothing and soft and exactly what Clarke needs to hear, even if it isn’t as comforting as Clarke wishes it was in this very moment.

The blonde tries to smile at her but is somehow aware that she clearly fails. She doesn’t need Lexa’s sympathetic look to confirm it, she can feel the way her mouth is unable to form even a weak and sad smile for her best friend. “Hey.” She mumbles and sighs lightly as she feels Lexa’s hands brush under her shirt and across her lower back, up her spine and back down again. The motion is comforting and exactly what she needs, and of course Lexa knows just what to do with her.

“Still can’t get ahold of him huh?” The brunette mumbles quietly, one hand slipping from under her shirt so she can tangle her fingers softly through the side of Clarke’s hair, offering her a soft and sweet smile that makes the blonde’s heart skip the same beat it does on most days that she sees it. Even now with her thoughts consumed by her problems that arise and are unable to go unnoticed any longer her love for Lexa still feels strong, her desire to be with her, her devotion to her love for her. It’s all still sitting there, right in front of her and she wonders how it isn’t possible for Lexa to see right through her as Clarke knows it’s definitely written all over her face by this point.

“No. She’s started blocking my calls and she won’t let Wells see him either. Even my step-monster doesn’t agree with this, but he’s not helping me either.” She lets out a soft huff and closes her eyes briefly as she feels Lexa’s hand travel back up her spine, rippling the same shivers they normally cause and making her stomach tingle with the soft touch to her cheek.

Lexa’s forehead presses against her own and Clarke knows she’s lucky to have Lexa in her life. She knows that even now, no matter how many times they tip toe around what they want to say, no matter how many obstacles they face, that they must belong together in some way. Lexa wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t meant to be and Clarke is more than grateful that she even gets the chance to love her. “Maybe we should just go then. Go there and confront her and,”

“We?” Clarke raises a curious eyebrow because she can’t let Lexa take on her own burdens. Lexa doesn’t deserve that. She doesn’t deserve to see this war her mother has created, even though she knows she can’t quite contain it or keep it under control, she doesn’t have to bring Lexa into the crossfire, she doesn’t want to do that to her. She doesn’t deserve it.

“Yeah, we.” The brunette says determinedly and the look in her eyes is too much but at the same time, exactly everything that Clarke needs. She doesn’t tell her that, but maybe someday she will.

“This isn’t your fight Lex,” She begins to protests but the brunette shushes her with a soft kiss to her mouth. It’s simple, nothing extremely intense or deep but it stirs everything up inside of Clarke that it possibly can, lighting her up and bringing her to life in all the ways that she always feels whenever Lexa touches her. To know the brunette this way, to be blessed with her kisses and cherished by her hands is something Clarke was beginning to think she wouldn’t get the chance to appreciate. But again, she feels as if they’ve never had more time together than they do right now.

“Yes it is. Your fight is my fight.” Lexa’s giving her that sincere look she often does whenever Clarke is in any kind of distress. She’s being perfect because Clarke is sure that Lexa is perfect for her and she can’t think of much to be grateful for right now, but she is grateful for Lexa, she’s always grateful for Lexa and that loving look the brunette gives her whenever she needs it the most. Lexa has always been so good at putting her first. She just hopes she’s good at putting Lexa first as well, or at least can somehow learn to manage it.

“Thank you.” Is all Clarke can manage to say as she looks into her pretty green eyes.

The brunette only nods before pulling Clarke into a gentle embrace and caressing the back of her head as the blonde buries her face in the crook of her neck and takes in her scent. “So what do you say? Fly across America and defeat your evil mother?” Lexa chuckles softly as she says it and Clarke’s heart does that funny thing it does whenever she giggles.

“That sounds like a ridiculous Disney plotline.” She mumbles into her skin and kisses her neck affectionately as the girl hums and continues a gently pattern across her spine.

“Maybe we can pitch it to them later.” Clarke laughs and pulls back from Lexa enough to see her best friend’s eyes again. She cups Lexa’s face in her hands and admires each inch that she can see because how can she not admire her when she’s right here, in front of her, being as perfect as ever?

Lexa wants to be with her through this, Lexa wants to go with her and fight her fights with her and that just does something inside of Clarke that feels bigger than just being in love with her. She doesn’t think there’s an explanation for it, she doesn’t assume that there’s anything logical about it. All she knows is that she would literally do anything for Lexa, absolutely anything. “You are amazing,”

And talking isn’t enough so Clarke kisses her as deep as she can, in the same passionate way she’s grown quite used to sharing with Lexa. The brunette just holds her closer, just saviors her in another way that Clarke has gotten used to. Their kisses grow long and continuous and eventually they’re walking backwards to Clarke’s bedroom, shedding clothes until there’s nothing left and Lexa is lifting her up and carrying her the rest of the way to the mattress.

Clarke pours herself into it because she is in love and she never wants Lexa to feel as if she isn’t. They’ve never been good at talking but they’ve both got quite good at this and Clarke knows as she takes the reins that she can speak in a language they both understand, one that holds no consequence and says everything that they both can’t seem to find the right words for.

Tomorrow they will plan their trip, but tonight, Clarke will show Lexa how deeply she is in love with her.

 

***

 

 “Lexa,” Costia snaps her fingers in front of the girl’s face and she jumps a good couple feet into the air. She isn’t sure how long the girl had been trying to get her attention but by the look on her face it had been for some time. She feels slightly guilty about it but she’s been in her own head a lot lately, her thoughts consumed mostly with Clarke and how they’re going to reach her brother. The longer it takes the more nightmares Clarke has and Lexa can’t stand it.

She can’t stand Clarke’s mother more. “What? I’m sorry.” She tries to sound sincere but even that’s distant, lost somewhere along the way as thought after thought surfaces through her head.

“What’s wrong, you keep getting lost in your little head.” Costia pocks at her temple and she jerks back from her touch, pouting briefly as she brushes off the unexpected contact.

She lets out a sigh heavily as she walks beside Costia in the grocery store, mostly watching as Costia picks certain items to toss into her cart, not really being of any help at all. “There’s just, a lot going on.” She offers up unhelpfully, her thoughts again traveling to where they’ve been stuck, to Clarke, to Jake, to their terrible mother.

“No duh, that’s why I’m asking.” Costia rolls her eyes but Lexa ignores her.

“It’s Clarke’s mom, I’m just… I hate her.” She states abruptly, the pout returning to her mouth before she can really stop it. The thought of Clarke mother makes her blood boil, it makes it little go over the edge when she hears Clarke cry or sees Clarke upset because of her. It makes her want to fly to her and just yell and belittle her the same way she does to Clarke, so that maybe she might know how it feels but she knows she can’t do that, even if she could, she most likely wouldn’t. That’s not what Clarke needs. Clarke needs someone rational to be around, someone that helps her think things through and have hope that she’ll be able to reach her brother despite her terrible evil mother. So Lexa is being that person.

“Whoa, okay what’s wrong with Clarke’s mom, when did you meet her?” Costia looks at her confused before getting distracted with the Cheez-It’s that they pass and insisting she has some.

“I haven’t, she’s just… Terrible. The worst mom ever. I don’t even have a mom but I always wanted one, that woman makes me glad I don’t have one.” Lexa isn’t even exaggerating. Clarke mother treats her dreadfully; she’s not a mother at all. She’s like a super villain and Lexa wants nothing more than to defeat her and keep Clarke from her forever.

“That sounds terrible.” Costia whistles as they turn a corner and Lexa lets out a huff.

“It is. The way she treats Clarke, it just doesn’t make any sense. She’s so cruel and cold hearted. Clarke is so lovely and warm and she’s literally forced her own daughter out of her life, her own wonderful daughter. It’s disgusting.” She can feel her blood boiling now just as she thinks about it and is almost sure there isn’t going to be a time that she doesn’t feel this way about this kind of situation. It’s ridiculous really, how anyone could treat Clarke this way or Jake is totally beyond her.

“Maybe you’re a bit biased.” Costia smirks playfully at her and she rolls her eyes.

“I’m not joking. She’s really hurting Clarke and she’s hurting her son too. It’s wrong.” Her tone is a bit harsh but it’s not for Costia and the girl just seems to know that, not even flinching at her slight aggression.

“Okay, what’s going on there?”

“I’m not sure Clarke would be okay with me talking about it, I’m just really frustrated and I can’t talk to her about it because that’s not helpful. She’s suffering, I hate seeing her so hurt and not being able to do anything about it.” She feels useless even if she knows she’s not completely. She can’t help Clarke in the ways she wants to help her, all she can do is be there and hold her when she’s scared and lift her spirits when she’s down. It doesn’t feel like enough.

“God you’re so gross when you’re in love.” Costia wrinkles her nose up, but her lips are turned up into a teasing smile and Lexa can’t help the slight chuckle that leaves her.

She nudges her playfully. “Shut up.”

“Okay seriously. Whatever it is, just be there for her. It sounds like hard stuff. Just support her, and whenever you need to rant, you always have me.” Costia past her upper arm and looks into her eyes and Lexa finds nothing but softness there, as she has many times before.

She smiles at her friend. “I just want to help but at the same time I just want to kick her mother’s ass.” She tells her honestly. Costia laughs loudly, with her head falling back with the force of it.

 

***

 

 “Wish teleporting was a thing.” Clarke sighs heavily as she rests her head against the back of her seat as Lexa checks her seatbelt for the seventh time. “I’m safe Lexa.” She rolls her eyes but she can’t help that affectionate smile that graces her lips anyways. She isn’t the biggest fan of flying but Lexa kind of hates it. She doesn’t see the girl nervous often, but this is definitely one of the things that makes her nervous.

She feels kind of guilty for finding it cute. “It seemed faulty, I’m just making sure.” Lexa’s voice is heavy with stress; Clarke knows she’s had to deal with a lot lately. The plane is just a cherry on top of it all. Between Lexa worrying about her and her brother, and trying hard to be the optimistic one between them, a plane ride when she hates them is maybe just a little too much.

“It’s going to be fine,” Clarke tells her as the brunette nods, long fingers shuffling through brown hair as she leans back in her own seat. “He’s okay.” She says as well because she knows Lexa’s mind is on him as much as it’s on her. Lexa has such a soft spot for children and she certainly has a soft spot for him and Clarke can’t blame her. Jake has that effect on people.

“I know.” She says after a moment but it doesn’t sound completely convincing.

“You’re cute when you’re worried.” Clarke teases lightly, watching the details of Lexa’s face as hint of a blush rushes across her pretty cheekbones.

_She’s so cute_. “Shut up.” Lexa has no bite to it though and even though her eyes roll, the corner of her lips are turned up lightly and Clarke’s heart skips at a beat at the sight of it.

“Never.” Clarke chuckles as Lexa lets out a heavy sigh, gripping the armrests and leaning back in her seat again. She closes her eyes as the plane begins to move and Clarke finds herself fascinated with the sight of her yet again. She knows she can watch her forever but watching her worry and watching her feel uncomfortable is not something Clarke wants.

“Lexa give me your hand.” She says simply, holding her hand out to her best friend and smiling softly at her once her eyes open again. “Hand,” She demands gently and Lexa does, tangling their fingers together. “It’s just a plane.” She tells her quietly, trying to relax her and ease her fears.

“I know that.” Lexa huffs slightly, clearly annoyed with herself for being afraid at all, though she seems to regret the light snap as soon as it leaves her. Clarke knows it’s not for her so she is not offended. “Sorry,” She softens and looks at Clarke though the blonde can’t help but smile at her.

“You get a free pass because you’re scared.” She squeezes her hand and Lexa lets out another huff as she turns her gaze away from her.

“I’m not scared.” She says sternly and Clarke’s heart flips again with that overabundant amount of affection she often has for the beautiful girl.

“Of course not.” She teases lightly, squeezing Lexa’s hand again for more comfort as the plane begins to lift in the air. “Can ride a trillion rollercoasters, back to back, but are scared of planes.” Clarke says lowly, quietly, but loud enough for Lexa to hear her teasing.

“I’m not,” Lexa’s hand squeeze Clarke’s so tightly the blonde winces when they jerk forward. “scared of anything.” Lexa demands her tone a bit shaky though her face has a spark of determination written all over it that makes Clarke’s heart feel fuller and fuller with each passing moment.

She really loves this girl. “No, Lexa Woods would never be scared of anything.” She says in a tone that’s a bit mocking but it’s lighthearted. Lexa’s hand squeezes her tighter as they jerk again and Clarke tries to keep herself from wincing.

“Exactly.” Lexa says shakily and Clarke snorts.

“Lexa Woods is also ripping my hand off.” She informs her and the brunette’s grip immediately loosens.

She looks at her a little sheepishly, a soft blush returning to her cheeks. “Sorry.” She mumbles quietly, though her grip tightens again when the plane jerks and she laughs as Lexa’s face pales.

“Still not scared baby?” She squeezes Lexa’s hand.

“Nope.” She says determinedly

“Then you won’t care if I let go?” Clarke teases, though she’d never dream of letting Lexa’s hand go.

“Don’t you dare.” The blonde laughs loudly and nods her head, squeezing Lexa’s hand again gently, and seeing her relax a bit as the plane begins to even out in the sky.

 

***

 

They arrive with a bit of a delay but not by much and check into their reserved hotel room at close to 8 o’clock. They stay for a few minutes, Clarke unpacking a bit and setting up certain sides of the bed so it’s similar to how they sleep in Clarke’s bed at her apartment. Lexa is exhausted and that’s completely clear as her eyelid grow heavy every time she sits in one place for a few minutes. It’s completely adorable and Clarke has a hard time urging her out the hotel door so that the can head toward Wells’s house.

Lexa is so tired she even protests a bit as Clarke drags her out the door. “Can’t we just sleep and go tomorrow.” She whines a bit, her tone soft and heavy with exhaustion and Clarke grabs her waist as they descend down toward the lobby, keeping her steady and against her and protecting her as she slumps into Clarke’s body while they stand in the elevator.

“No, I’m sorry baby, you can sleep there.” She promises her and presses a light kiss to Lexa’s cheek and tired eyes light up as they look at her. Lexa’s hand tangles with her own as they walk out of the elevator and the brunette slumps against her again as they enter their Uber. Her eyes shut almost immediately as Clarke wraps her arm around the girl’s waist to keep her comfortable and close to her.

The Uber driver recognizes them and they end up handing out autographs before they finally make it to Wells’s house. He greets Clarke with a hug and a similar worried expression on his face that the blonde is almost sure has been there since everything happened. He’s always been one to stress himself out, Clarke wasn’t much better about stuff like this either, she was lucky she had Lexa to help her, Wells didn’t have a Lexa.

Lexa greets Wells with a friendly tired smile and they all sit down to eat something and Wells updates them both on the current situation and how things stand with Abby and none of it is good. Wells hasn’t seen Jake since that morning Abby had come to his house and told him he isn’t allowed to anymore and that condition didn’t seem to be changing any time soon.

Lexa tries to stay awake through the gist of it, to be there for Clarke like she’s been this whole time, through everything, but she’s exhausted and eventually she’s slumping against Clarke’s shoulder again before she fully realizes it and her eyes are shutting. It’s than that Clarke leads Lexa to the couch and covers her up with a spare blanket, kissing her head and whispering goodnight in her ear as she falls asleep.

“You guys can stay tonight.” Wells offers lightly as he watches the interaction. “She seems really good for you Clarke.” He tells her truthfully and offers her his friendliest smile as Clarke looks up from Lexa to meet his eyes.

The smile on her face attaches itself on its own, as it normally does when she thinks of Lexa. “She is.” Clarke chuckles. “Far too good for me.” She lets out a heavy breath, kisses Lexa’s head again and then finally round the couch back toward the table.

“No one’s too good for you.” He chuckles lightly, his smile still in place as Clarke as well returns with her own chuckle. She takes a seat back where she had been before and lets the stress of the upcoming events find their way into her mind, tensing her muscles as she thinks about them. “So what’s the plan tomorrow?” He asks, watching her carefully, looking just as tense as she feels.

Clarke sighs and shakes her head slightly. “I’ve been thinking a little about it and you’re not going to like it.” She answers truthfully, her eyes meeting his as his eyebrows rise at her revelation.

“What is it?” He asks carefully.

Clarke shrugs her shoulders. “I’m just going to tell her the truth.” She looks down at the lines of the table as her mind runs through all the different kinds of scenarios and this is it. This one decision is all she has because what else is there? She’s not going to lie or think of an excuse, all she has is the truth.

“The truth?” Wells’s eyebrows rise further and Clarke thinks about it for a moment.

“Yes and then I’m going to ask if she’ll let me be in my brother’s life.” She nods her head, sure of this decision because she’s thought a lot about it for a few weeks and this is what she’s going to do. She’s going to be honest and open and she’s going to ask and she’s going to hope her mother sees the sincerity, that her mother will be her mother for once and will give her some kind of a break, will find her heart.

“Are you sure that’s going to work?”

Her eyes wander toward Lexa. “No, but I love Lexa and I love my brother and I refuse to choose between one or the other. I just have to hope that she finds her heart somewhere, even if that’s buried almost too deep to find.” She pushes back the strands of her hair as Wells nods at her, watching her carefully as he thinks over what she’s just told him.

Lexa stirs in her sleep and mumble something and Clarke watches her to make sure she is safe and alright. “I don’t know if this is a good idea.” Wells shakes his head, his eyes following the features of Clarke’s face as she studies the sleeping form of Lexa’s body on the couch across the room.

“I don’t either, I don’t think it’ll work either but I have to try I guess. This conversation, it has to be had. I can’t sneak around it anymore.” She shakes her head and shrugs her shoulders, a soft sigh leaving her again before she can help it.

Wells reaches across the table to grip Clarke’s hand comfortingly. “Whatever happens, it’ll be okay.” He tells her and she nods her head at him.

“I know. I just hope I get to see my brother again.” She says truthfully, because the worst thing that can happen is that she doesn’t and that’s all she really wants. She can’t live with him; she doesn’t want to live without him. He and Lexa are the most important people to her and she refuses to go through her life with one of them missing.

 

***

 

Maybe she shouldn’t have brought the letter with her in this particular situation but she was getting sick of looking at it and she knew that either way, whether whatever Clarke was planning to do worked out or not, giving her the letter today wouldn’t be a bad idea. She just hoped that things did work out so maybe the letter wouldn’t be as overwhelming as it would be if things were to not work out.

Clarke told her to wait outside, but she could hear their voices rising higher the longer they’re together. She doesn’t like it, she’s not okay with it but she knows Clarke wants to do this on her own. It’s only when she hears a slam that she enters the open front door of the house. The letter sits in her back pocket, it’s already become warn and folded at the corners. She thinks maybe she should have put it in a better envelope by now but part of her didn’t want to, part of her wanted Clarke to know how long she’s had it, how long she’s been holding it, how long she’s been in love with her.

She can hear Clarke’s voice as she slowly creaks through the house, ready and willing to come to her aid if she’s going to need her, waiting outside was hard enough, she’s lost that battle but she’ll stay out of it as long as she possibly can, she’ll let Clarke handle it because that’s what the blonde wants even though she knows Clarke’s mother is unreasonable and only seems to want to hurt her.

It’s so hard to leave her alone with that woman. She gets closer to the study they’re standing in, the door to that is slightly ajar and Lexa can see the back of Clarke’s head and she can half see Clarke’s mother behind the desk in the room. “Clarke fine, just tell me… tell me you and that girl that you’re not and you can see him.” Abby’s face looks contorted, almost disfigured as if she’s been talking too long and hasn’t been getting the proper amount of air. She’s angry and red and just the sight of her makes Lexa want to jump into the room and whisk Clarke away from her.

“What,” Clarke’s voice sounds rough, scratchy, like she’s been talking too much and too loud. She doesn’t like how distressed she sounds, she wants to help her but she holds off the urge, knowing that Clarke had requested she stay outside. She wants to respect her, but she wants to help her, and she finds herself conflicted as she peeks into the room from her position in the hallway. They can’t see her, but she can see them.

“You want to be in his life, he wants you in his, I want you in his but I don’t want that part of you in his and don’t want her in his.” Lexa’s heartbeat increases as she listens to Abby talk, her blood boiling the same way it does when she so much as thinks of the woman.

“Mom,” Clarke sounds offended, pissed.

“Just tell me you’re not.” Abby says it like she’s defeated and she’s never fought a harder battle, it disgusts Lexa.

“You want me to say I’m not in love with her?” Lexa’s hearing heightens, wishing she could see Clarke’s face and not the back of her head.

“Yes.” Abby says and Lexa can’t help that she wonders what Clarke will say. She wonders and she listens, the letter in her back pocket feeling as if it’s burning its own hole as she listens intently on a conversation she probably shouldn’t even be hearing.

Clarke takes in a deep breathe. “Okay, I’m not.” She says and Lexa feels the air leave her lungs like cold ice water was just poured all over her head and injected in her veins. She feels a huff leave her before she can stop it and rushes back out of the house to her original position. She isn’t even sure if she was quiet enough as her eyes water. She tries to think rationally, she tries to think about why it makes sense for Clarke to say that.

Jake is Clarke’s brother, he’s her family, not Lexa. If Clarke has to choose it’s never going to be her and she can’t expect that to be, she doesn’t want her to have to choose. She feels cold as she tries to think things through, she feels lost in her head as her heart breaks.

She pulls the letter from her pocket and whips at her eyes because she can’t stop the emotions from bubbling over. She tries to get a handle on her feelings. She tries to think rationally but she can’t, not really, and she’s shoving the letter away, back in her pocket as she hears Clarke call after her.

 

 

Clarke was tired, exhausted, she doesn’t know how long this conversation has been going on, she just feels like it’s pointless, she’s done what she can, she’s said over and over again what she can manage but her mother doesn’t want to find her heart and nothing is looking good.

“Just tell me you’re not.” Her mother says it and she can feel the tiredness inside of her increase. It will be a lie, a lie she can live with, a lie she can handle, but it’s not one she wants to tell, it’s not one she wants to give.

“You want me to say I’m not in love with her?” She says it coldly, the annoyance clear inside of her as she stares at her mother who doesn’t seem to give a damn what she is feeling, she never has given a single damn. She doesn’t care about lies; she doesn’t care as long as Clarke says it.

It’s not a lie Clarke wants to tell. “Yes.” Abby says to her and she hates this, she hates that she has to make this kind of decision.

It’s not a lie she wants to ever tell.

She takes in a deep breathe, her eyes searching her mother, examining her expression, going over her features and she makes her decision, releasing her breathe. “Okay, I’m not.” And she’s just about to tell her mother off, tell her that she can say it but it’s not true and that no matter what her mother has to live with it, that Clarke loves a woman.

But she doesn’t get the chance to because she gets distracted with the huff that escapes from someone behind her, heavy and full of something miserable. She turns around in time to see Lexa escaping and her heart sinks into her stomach, her mind running blank from whatever else she had planning on saying to her mother in favor of running after Lexa and explain herself.

“Looks like she heard you.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Clarke snaps and her mother just stares at her, but she’s done giving her anymore of her attention. She escapes the room without any more words rushing after the brunette before she can think to stop and be rational.

“Lexa,” She calls after her, rushing toward the open door where Lexa leans against the wall beside it. She has something in her hands, but she seems to put it away when she hears Clarke call her name, she can’t make out what it is as she exits the house to stand beside her, noticing Lexa’s eyes and feeling the adrenaline kick inside of her.

“Did you finish? Can you see him?” Lexa says, her voice different, a tone she hasn’t heard from her ever.

Clarke’s eyebrows knit. “Lexa what I said,”

“It’s fine Clarke, just tell me you get to see your brother.”

“Lexa,”

“Clarke,” Lexa’s tone is stern, snappy, something she’s not used to being on the receiving end of and she flinches slightly, blinking at her a few times as Lexa’s features seem to soften after that. “Just tell me you get to see him,” She says it like it’s painful and Clarke’s heart expands and aches inside of her in a way she’s never experienced before.

“She can’t keep me, us, from him.” She tells her. “Lexa I can explain,”

“It’s fine Clarke, it’s okay. Let’s go see Jake?” Lexa tries to smile at her but it doesn’t work, the look on her face, the pain in her eyes, it looks wrong, her smile feels wrong and Clarke can’t swallow properly knowing Lexa thinks she’s not in love with her.

“Lex,”

“Clarke, I’m fine.” She’s not. She doesn’t look it, if Lexa would just let her explain. “Please.” She seems to beg and Clarke resolve melts, her eyes examining over every feature of Lexa she can memorize yet again and she’s begging with her eyes for Clarke to stop.

She nods at her. “Okay,” She’ll have to explain later, for now, they have to see Jake. She wonders if she’ll be able to get her heart out of her throat in the process.

 

***

 

 “Lexa,” The plane ride felt wrong from the moment they got on and Lexa’s eyes have barely met her own. She doesn’t like this, she doesn’t know what it means, if Lexa will let her explain, she can fix it if she does. It’s all pointless, the distance that has come up suddenly even though Lexa is trying to act like there is none.

“Are you ready for the table read?” Lexa asks, her eyes still out the window, watching as they pass cloud after cloud. Clarke’s heart feels heavy, still stuck in her throat like it has been for days. Her hand slides over Lexa’s own to try and get her attention but she pulls back when she feels the girl tense, her heart thrumming and feeling cold as she’s not used to this treatment, not okay with it.

“Lexa please talk to me.” She whispers quietly into the space between them, watching the girl’s face but Lexa avoids looking at her, avoids acknowledging the topic Clarke would like to talk about.

“I am.” Lexa’s voice sounds confused, but it also holds that same tone it’s held for the last few days. Something heavy and lost in it, something sad and tragic and broken. Something that Clarke is sure she could fix if Lexa would just let her explain, and she thinks how stupid she was, of course Lexa wouldn’t wait outside. She should have started with _“it’s not true.”_ What was she thinking?

She wasn’t. She was exhausted, she’s exhausted now.

“Lexa what I said to my mom,” She tries again but Lexa is shaking her head.

“It’s okay Clarke.” Lexa looks at her now and smiles, a real smile but it still isn’t quite as natural as Clarke is used to seeing. “I’m fine; you said what you had to. He’s your brother.” She tries to seem strong but she looks the same as she did when she was lying about not being afraid of the plane on their way there.

Clarke shakes her head. “No, Lexa, please let me,”

“Clarke I don’t want to talk about it, there’s nothing to talk about. It’s fine, we’re fine, it’s okay.” And as if she’s trying to prove her point she grabs Clarke’s hand and squeezes tightly in her own. “I promise.” She leans over than and kisses her, gently but it feels sad, lost in something that hasn’t been said yet. And then Lexa deepens it and it feels so beautifully tragic and rips at Clarke’s heart until she can feel it raw and bare out in the open and she wonders for a second if maybe this isn’t her heart, if maybe it’s Lexa’s and she never really realized it was. Lexa takes what she needs and Clarke lets her, kissing her back while she lets her lead.

She’s not done trying to have the conversation; she’ll try again, because Lexa needs to know how much she loves her. Clarke can’t live with Lexa thinking she doesn’t, and as Lexa’s tongue brushes against her bottom lip before her teeth tug at that same lip a little harshly she knows this feeling inside of her, this regret and pain won’t stop until she’s said everything she needs to. Her and Lexa will talk about everything, no matter how long it takes because she won’t lose her.

She never wants to lose her.


	13. please stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I know, I know that this is a little late but this is it right here so I wanted it to be perfect and sometimes that takes extra time. This story has been a lot of fun to write and I really hope you guys enjoyed it the same way I did so here you go, have the last chapter that's nice and long like most of the others. :) Thank you so much for reading and I really hope to see you around for the next story/stories I'll be posting. I'm already working or beginning to work on something new. 
> 
> Also, really quick, I wanted to thank my really good friend Chelsea for helping me through this fic, as sometimes when I would get stuck she had some great ideas and continues to have great ideas that really help me a lot and I haven't credited her before for them so go follow my friend [@elizaatrash](https://twitter.com/elizaatrash) because she's awesome so appreciate her, thank you.
> 
> Okay you can read now. ;)

##  _Fall, 2016_

 

It had been three weeks since Lexa and Clarke had taken their trip to visit Clarke’s mother so she could confront her and still they haven’t talked about what Clarke had said and what Lexa had overheard. It’s not for lack of trying, Clarke has been trying, continuously, to the point that it even seems to annoy the brunette and Clarke isn’t used to actually being the cause of her annoyance.

The stern “its fine, Clarke, I’m fine,” changes every time. It’s never the same tone or the same twists of emotion but it always holds something darker and hidden behind it and every time Lexa tells her the lie her voice is always a tad more stern, a tad more sad, a tad more of something darker that Clarke never wants to figure out what is. She just wants to fix it, and she was beyond frustrated that it was starting to seem like she couldn’t.

The blonde has even started to wonder if Lexa would even believe her, if Lexa even wants to believe her at this point. Even if she doesn’t, she still has to try, and that’s why she’s devising a plan… not a very good plan. A plan that’s already failed once, but all she needs is one go, one chance and then it’ll finally be done and over and Lexa can stop being broody and Clarke can explain herself and stop feeling like she’s tipping over a dangerous edge of losing her for good.

If only Lexa would stop pretending she was “just fine.” Even that would be better than how far they’ve gotten in the past couple weeks. It feels like everything is at a halt, standing still and unmoving while time passes them and Lexa pretends she’s okay and Clarke struggles to actually make it okay. She feels like there’s a clock hidden in her head and each second that ticks gets closer to some kind of end that she never ever wants to see. The danger of it was starting to annoy her in and of itself.

“Clarke,” and there’s that tone again, all soft and hiding something dark and Clarke’s heart clenches tightly in her chest as she turns from the kitchen counter to look at her. She’s still coming home to her, but sometimes it looks like she doesn’t want to be near her at all. Other times it’s like she’s afraid to let her go.

“You’re late.” Clarke says simply because it’s true. The candles are burnt out, it’s dark and the food is cold and Clarke’s explanation lay heavy and still unsaid on her tongue, twisting her up and making her feel useless and scared.

“I’m sorry; filming ran later than I thought it would.” It’s not true, Lexa left the same time as her, and she saw her. But Clarke doesn’t address that. If Lexa wants to lie to her about that it’s whatever, it’s the other thing that she’s more concerned about, the reason that Lexa is lying in the first place.

“Are you hungry?” Clarke asks instead of spitting out her explanation that she very much wants too. It still sits there but she knows just spitting it out will do no good. As soon as she tries, or starts Lexa will interrupt her, tune her out, tell her she’s _fine_ again and Clarke can’t stand it if she has to hear that word one more time.

“I actually ate; I kind of just want to go to bed, can we?” Lexa drops her bag down on the hallway floor, she doesn’t bother picking it up, her eyes heavy and tired and full of that something sad that Clarke hasn’t been able to urge out of her gaze for weeks.

“Yeah, of course we can baby.” She steps forward and feels relief flood her that Lexa doesn’t flinch this time. She’s been doing that and it hurts Clarke every time she sees it.

“Did you get to talk to Jake today?” She asks instead of whatever is circling through her head. It’s clearly not what she wants to say but Lexa hasn’t been actually talking to Clarke, she’s been verbalizing, she’s been small talking. She hasn’t actually said anything she’s feeling, she’s only lied and avoided everything and Clarke’s gut twists further every single day.

Clarke only nods because the idea of speaking much beyond what she wants to say just makes her feel sick. She offers her hand out to Lexa, and the brunette takes it. Their fingers tangling together easily, always like their meant to do that and Clarke wonders how much longer she can take this. She doesn’t want to wait, and with Lexa tired it still ruins her original plan but she has to keep trying because the idea of Lexa sleeping another night and still thinking that she’s chosen her brother over her just makes her chest ache.

“Lexa,” She says gently as they enter the bedroom and Lexa parts from her to work through her routine and get ready for bed and Clarke does the same. She watches her through most of it, watches as she strips out of her clothes, her own eyes sadly tracing the lines of Lexa’s body and wishing there was no distance between them keeping them suddenly apart, even though they’re in the same room.

“Yes?” The brunette asks after a long moment of silence, as Clarke doesn’t seem to finish her thought. She doesn’t speak right away either, waiting on Lexa to finish, waiting for her to turn around and look at her. She does, eventually she does, after she’s changed and looking exhausted and Clarke’s heart pitter-patters unevenly because how is she supposed to explain when Lexa is already so tired.

Instead she smiles at her, she even thinks her smile is a bit sad, she isn’t sure, but she feels sad. “I love you.” She says softly instead of the long explanation she’s been repeating in the mirror.

She watches Lexa’s breath catch when she says it, watches the brunette’s eyes darken the same way they have been whenever she tries to explain. She feels her heart start to crack when Lexa looks away from her, looks at their bed instead of her and doesn’t say anything for a long moment. “I love you too,” leaves her eventually but it all doesn’t feel real. It feels lost, forced and heartbroken and it makes tears well up in Clarke’s eyes before she can stop them.

She’s blinking them away and excusing herself to the bathroom so Lexa doesn’t catch them, but as she goes to leave the brunette is grabbing her wrist and pulling her back, up against her body and kissing her hard, that same kind of kiss that rips into her soul and makes her feel like she’s done something wrong, forgotten something important. At the same time it makes her feel complete, like nothing without this could ever be beautiful again and she clings to Lexa like she is life itself because sometimes, just sometimes, when Lexa kisses her she isn’t sure if it’s going to be the last time.

“I love you too.” Lexa says against her mouth and it sounds sad, feels sad, even more so than when she had said it looking down at their bed only moments before. Lexa’s hands are more desperate because of it, her kiss more desperate because of it. Everything about her, this, is desperate and urgent and Clarke’s stomach twists in knots as Lexa pushes her down onto the bed and falls with her. She rips at Clarke’s clothes like this is the last time and it makes the tears in Clarke’s eyes fall, Lexa only slows down when she feels them on her cheek.

She only stops kissing her and moves those kisses against her jawline gentle and soft when she feels Clarke’s tears trail there. She kisses after them, as if to heal her but it doesn’t, it just makes Clarke’s heart feel worse. But she still clings to her, her arms around Lexa, keeping her there because she’s afraid to let her go, afraid that Lexa has had enough of her, that she cannot be enough for Lexa anymore, that Lexa will leave without letting her explain and all she wants is Lexa to stay with her, to stay and be with her and let her love her.

“Did I hurt you?” Lexa asks softly, as her thumb comes up to brush the tears on the other side of her cheek away, and everything about the moment is indulgent and familiar.

She doesn’t address her fears as she shakes her head. “No baby,” She tells her softly and brushes her nose against Lexa’s until their kissing again and the desperation feels as if it withers slightly, replaced by something else that Clarke isn’t sure she could name even if she tried.

She feels Lexa’s hand move from her cheek and brush across her exposed stomach, something caused by Lexa already ripping at her clothes, leaving Clarke in less than even she was after changing. She feels Lexa’s touch travel up and cup her breast and she breathes against Lexa’s mouth heavily, like the brunette has sucked the life out of her lungs.

Lexa’s mouth leaves her own again after that, just as her thumb brushes across her nipple and her teeth graze her jaw, nibbling and marking her down the column of her neck, stopping at a place that makes Clarke’s breath hitch just to lavish it with her attention as she pinches lightly at Clarke’s nipple.

The blonde moans her name quietly, desperately like she fears she’ll disappear, maybe she does and she arches into her touch, asking her to stay, even silently. Lexa kisses down her body, marking white skin with red, teeth clamping down and then soothing the sting with her gentle tongue and Clarke’s mind fogs over with the need that shoots through her and settles strongly between her legs.

Lexa is marking her skin everywhere and she doesn’t want to tell her to stop. She wants Lexa to do whatever she wants to her, to stay with her, forever and she gets distracted again as Lexa settles between her thighs and begins to mark the skin below her navel, dark marks that will last for days, maybe weeks, like bruises.

Clarke wonders if her heart will have the same bruises.

Lexa’s tongue eventually finds her, tongue brushing through her folds gently but desperately, like this will be the last time and through all of the pleasure it causes, it also causes pain. She clings to Lexa still, hands in the girl’s hair, holding her in place, begging her to stay. Clarke wonders if Lexa wants to stay with her, she doesn’t get time to think about it as Lexa’s mouth goes to work on her clit, spiking pleasure through Clarke’s veins until she’s arching into her touch with eyes shut and the girl’s name on her lips.

Lexa makes love to her desperately, all her actions still feeling somehow tragic even as they make Clarke feel so good. The fingers that push inside of her and brush across that spot that makes Clarke forget her own name move with a motivation that the blonde doesn’t know about. It feels like goodbye, and that’s why when Clarke cums it’s with a desperate plea that Lexa stays with her.

She begs for it, without even realizing she’s doing it until Lexa is kissing her again and she can taste herself on her tongue and she tries hard to focus on her words as she’s still coming down from the euphoria of the girl’s touch. “I’m here,” Lexa will say, but it feels strained. “I’m not going anywhere.” She says, but it doesn’t feel real.

How many times will she say that until it’s too many?

 

***

 

Lexa watches the sunrise onto Clarke’s skin. She spends most of her time doing that in the mornings, especially when she can’t seem to sleep well. She spends her time brushing along the softest pieces of the blonde’s body, kissing gentle areas when Clarke flinches in her dreams. She spends her time cherishing her silence and loving her as quietly as possible. After all, her love is not as wanted as she wished it was.

Sure Clarke loves her. Sure she does, Lexa knows she must by this point, love her in some way but it’s not in the way that Lexa wishes she did and she knows Clarke can feel it, can see how it affects her, can feel her pull away and Lexa needs to work on that. This can be enough for her. Half of Clarke, half of her heart while Clarke holds all of hers… it can be enough she thinks, even when it feels like the most painful thing ever.

Clarke whines in her sleep, Lexa’s name somewhere in the jumble and the brunette shuffles across the sheets until she’s pulling Clarke’s body into her own. She figured that when they had resolved the issue of Clarke not getting to see her brother that the reoccurring nightmares would eventually leave her, but they haven’t. Sometimes Lexa thinks maybe they have gotten worse, making Clarke sob in her sleep and panic when she wakes that she can barely breathe even as Lexa guides her through all of her best technics.

And Clarke always asks the same thing. “Don’t leave?” Like Lexa ever planned too, like Lexa ever could when she is so deeply in love with her that she is sure she wouldn’t be able to survive a life without her. She tells herself that maybe she should still give Clarke the letter anyway, even though she knows the blonde will never and maybe can never love her in that way as well. She tells herself the knowledge wouldn’t be harmful for Clarke to have, that it would be okay for her to do but she can barely look at the envelope now without being somewhat sick, so she hasn’t touched it for weeks.

She gets it. Jake is more important than she is, she can understand that. She just wishes she would stop hurting so very much over it. It’s selfish of her too, after everything, after all she knows and all she’s been through with Clarke; it’s so very selfish of her to feel the pain of those words as deeply as she does. _“Okay, I’m not.”_ Sometimes is her own nightmare and she wonders if maybe she should just tell Clarke, just talk to her but she isn’t sure she can actually get any of it out. She doesn’t want to know what it means when Clarke realizes that half of heart is not enough for her.

No, it has to be enough. It’s unfair of Lexa to request anymore, it’s selfish. Clarke comes first, Clarke’s feelings come first. Her own don’t matter nearly as much; she needs to stop making Clarke feel bad about what has come and gone. She needs to make Clarke happy the best she can while Clarke still wants her here because Clarke won’t want her forever and when that day comes, Lexa isn’t sure she’ll be able to even understand the heartbreak of it.

Sometimes Lexa feels like her heart is breaking just looking at Clarke. She doesn’t understand that part either. “ _Lexa_ ,” Clarke mumbles tiredly and the brunette squeezes her arms around Clarke’s waist, kissing her shoulder gently to let her know that she isn’t and hasn’t gone anywhere.

What would she even do if she weren’t to stay with her? “I’m here,” She tells her quietly and Clarke’s own hands squeeze around her arms as if to anchor herself in this very moment, as if there was a fear of it floating away from them, from not being able to actually be inside it. As if the moment itself was a dream that Clarke just couldn’t have.

“Lexa I have to tell you,”

“Clarke,” She interrupts because she can feel the girl’s heartbeat pick up in pace, and her body tense. “It’s okay, everything is okay. I’m here.” She tells her softly, and it almost sounds like a promise this time, her okay almost sounds real this time and she knows she’s getting better because she doesn’t want Clarke to worry about her; she wants Clarke to be happy.

Clarke’s feelings will always matter to her, more than her own. “It’s important,” Clarke says almost desperately, almost like if she doesn’t say what’s on her mind it will physically make a piece of her fall apart. Lexa doesn’t want her to feel that way but she doesn’t think she can hear it, doesn’t think she’ll be able to handle the explanation, hearing Clarke say it to her face. She knows she can’t heart it actually, she knows it will break her completely.

“So is sleep, so let’s go back to it.” She urges her gently, brushing her thumb against skin as Clarke’s hands tighten instinctively on her arms. She kisses Clarke’s ear and feels the girl relax slightly. “I’m not going anywhere,” She tacks on for good measure, because she feels like Clarke wants to ask her to stay again.

She wonders how many times she’ll say it before it becomes too much.

 

***

 

“Clarke, what’s up with you? You seem distracted?” Raven lets her gaze rest on the blonde, who’s eyes stare at the window of the diner to nothing in particularly, mainly just watching people pass and interact with each other. Her mind is on Lexa, always, always on Lexa.

“Just exhausted, we’ve been working weird hours.” She lies, and normally Raven can see through her lies, usually. But today, that doesn’t seem to be the case. She narrows her eyes a moment, studying her as if to make sure but she seems to be convinced by whatever look Clarke is somehow managing to give her. Clarke doesn’t even know how it’s possible, she feels as if she’s been out of sorts for weeks, distracted and unable to even focus on simple things like conversation.

She’s not fine at all. “If that ain’t the truth. I always see you so little whenever you’re filming for the show.” Clarke shrugs but her focus falls off her friend again, her mind doing what it’s been doing for weeks; over thinking and over thinking. She plays the moment over again, seeing it and watching it, imagining the face Lexa made as she stood outside that stupid door and her head spins with her twisting gut.

Just thinking about it makes her want to be sick. “Clarke, come on,” Raven snaps her fingers in front of her face, making her jump. She meets her friend’s eye line but she can’t find it in herself to feel bad, her thoughts still so jumbled and fogged over with one person. She’s been like this for a while and she thought maybe she’d be able to pull herself out of it, but the longer it takes to have the conversation she desperately wants to have with Lexa, the longer her explanation remains silent, the harder it seems to pull herself from this disposition.

She tries to clear her head but it’s almost no use. She can’t stop thinking about it. “I’m sorry, maybe this was a bad idea.” Clarke is reaching for her bag to pull out some cash to pay for her food but Raven stops her, that knit to her eyebrow she gets sometimes when she’s worried about her. Clarke knows it well, as Raven has been worried about her many times before, for many different reasons.

“Clarke, what’s going on?” She asks again and Clarke’s eyes water in that very moment, as if she can’t find the strength to tell her friend that everything is aright, that she’s only tired, that she’s _fine_. She’s normally so good at this, but today, today just feels like it’s all too much and Clarke is sure she’s about to fall apart right where she sits.

“Nothing.” She lies and this time her voice cracks and Raven knows she’s lying, knows its bullshit. She can see it in her eyes, Clarke can feel it in her posture. The lie feels like it makes her flinch, maybe she does because Raven’s concern only seems to grow rapidly.

“Clarke,” She starts with that heavy tone, but Clarke can’t hear it. She’s not even sure she can take being here much longer. It all feels like it’s pressing in on her chest and weighing on her heart. She almost feels claustrophobic, even though there is so much room.

“I just want to go home.” She tells her instead, her stomach flipping in on itself like she really is going to actually vomit this time. Her heartbeat even feels abnormal. Sometimes thudding too fast like she’s waiting on something awful, sometimes it barely thuds at all, like that something awful has already happened and she can no longer feel anything at all.

Or maybe it’s that she can feel everything too much. “Okay, let’s go home then.” Raven agrees quickly and she pushes Clarke’s hand away from her bag and pulls out her own card and some cash too, tossing the tip down and placing her card in the folder where their bill still sits. They have to wait a moment until the waiter comes back around and picks it up. He takes longer to come back, Clarke feels suffocated the longer she sits in the diner.

They finally leave not long after the waiter returns with Raven’s card, rushing out of the building pretty quickly while Clarke almost struggles to breath. Raven struggles to keep up with her until their outside and the blonde is stopping at the curb, her breathing abnormal enough to audibly hear now.

“Clarke,” Raven rushes toward her, pulling her to a stop and hugging her when Clarke begins to cry. “It’s okay; everything’s going to be okay. I’m right here; I can’t braid your hair right now but let’s pretend. I’ll even count the braids out loud.” Clarke grabs onto her and listens to Raven’s voice as her heart thuds and her body shakes. She thinks about Lexa some more and tries to focus on Raven’s counting but it all feels useless this time.

She feels hopeless in this moment.

“She thinks I don’t love her.” Clarke tells her quietly, almost too quietly for Raven to hear but she hears it. “I keep trying to explain she won’t let me.” Clarke sobs into her chest and Raven’s grip tightens like Clarke could fall without her strong hold. Clarke thinks maybe she would.

“Okay, Clarke you need to calm down first and then we’ll talk about it.” Raven tells her gently. Her fingers tangling through Clarke’s hair to try and calm her down, one arm still tightly wrapped around her as Clarke struggles to get it together.

“She won’t let me explain.” She mumbles hopelessly again and Raven doesn’t know at all what she’s talking about but she knows it’s tearing Clarke up so she provides her with all the attention that it takes, that her friend needs.

“Okay.” Raven tugs at the strands of Clarke’s hair, knowing how it helps her but even that feels hollow. Clarke grips Raven as if she’s trying to hide from her reality, but she can’t hide from it. It’s real and the thought of losing Lexa for good and not being able to stop it is a reality she doesn’t want to live in. “Hey, let’s get to your home and talk about this okay, but first you need to calm down.” Raven’s fingers continue the motions through her hair as Clarke keeps a tight grip on her. Her breathing manages to slow a bit as Raven continues the motion and mumbles “it’s okay” again in her ear but she’s not exactly calm yet.

“Okay.” She says after a moment, voice thick and heavy as the simple word falls from her lips. She thinks she sounds weak and pathetic but she thinks it’s fitting when she gets like this, when she worries like this.

They take a few more moments for Clarke to correct her bearings a bit better and eventually; when she isn’t shaking as much and can walk they’re making their way back down toward Clarke’s apartment where they had walked from to the diner.

 

***

 

Lexa’s least favorite day to shoot is Wednesday. She’s always there longer than Clarke and she comes home to her late, exhausted, and recently, these last few weeks, she wakes up exhausted. She also fails at remembering her lines a few times, struggling with thoughts in her head that she can’t remove. She hates it, she hates that she has no control over it, she hates that she’s still hurting no matter how much she tries to reason with herself. She hates that none of her rational thoughts are working. She hates that when she comes home, part of her always wants to leave.

Most of all she hates that her hurt is also hurting Clarke.

She opens the door half past nine and she wonders if Clarke is still awake. Part of her hopes she isn’t, part of her hopes Clarke will be asleep and that she can just crawl into the bed beside her and they don’t have to speak and Lexa doesn’t have to lie. But she’s rarely lucky in that way, even if finding Clarke asleep wouldn’t necessarily make her lucky. Because the other part of her wants Clarke to be awake, wants Clarke to look at her with those eyes she loves so much and tell her again that she loves her and ask her again to stay even though it’s all nearly an illusion, a trick that Lexa’s mind, for only a little while, can pretend that Clarke loves her just as much, in just the same way.

However, Clarke is not asleep, she is talking, she can hear her, something low, Jake’s name on her lips and Lexa feels her heart do that little ache it does whenever she hears them. She isn’t sure at this point, if she aches because she loves them so much, or if she aches because she can’t be with them. Perhaps it is both, at this point, Lexa wouldn’t be surprised.

The conversation is ending, but Clarke still has a small smile on her face when she comes into view, a smile that Lexa has been failing at putting there these past weeks and her heart aches more at that realization. All she ever wants is to make Clarke happy, she hasn’t been doing that, so caught up in her own sorrow of being put on the shelf below that she’s forgetting why she’s even still here, only to be reminded when those eyes are finally looking at her again.

She loves her. She’s always going to. “Hi,” She says quietly, not wanting to interrupt her call, leaning against the jam of the hallway and staring at her, watching the features of her face soften as they meet her own gaze. Clarke doesn’t look away from her and something in her eyes says something that Lexa isn’t sure if it’s fear or doubt or maybe both. She blames herself again, for not being as attentive as respectable as she always wants to be for Clarke. She wouldn’t look at her like that if she had been doing a good job at pretending she was fine.

She again is left wondering how she at all has managed to become an actress.

Clarke smiles at her eventually but it doesn’t touch her pretty eyes and Lexa feels her gut twist at that. This is because Lexa has been making Clarke worry, has been making her feel like less than she is because of her own hurt, because Clarke is selfless and kind and of course if she knows Lexa is hurting she will hurt for her and blame herself for every ounce of it. It’s not her fault that Lexa isn’t quite enough, she can’t control what’s in her heart much in the same way that Lexa can’t control how much love sits in her own for her.

She’s going to be better, she has to be.

“I love you too, goodnight buddy.” Clarke says and she waits for him to hang up before she does as well, her own eyes not leaving Lexa as she watches the brunette watch her. “You look tired.”

Lexa smiles. “I am, but,” She pushes off the entrance of the hallway and walks further into the room, keeping her eyes on Clarke’s, hoping to wash away the worry in them, the doubt and fear that she can see swirl there all because she has been selfish. “I’m quite hungry as well, when did you last eat.” She reaches out both her hands at Clarke’s and pulls the blonde from the couch when Clarke places her palms in Lexa’s own.

“I don’t want to go out Lex,” Clarke admits softly and Lexa smiles wider, watching the flutter of her eyelids as they take her in, study her, looking for all of the signs of Lexa’s hurt and wishing she could take it away.

“I wasn’t going to recommend that,”

“No?” Clarke smiles softly finally, a bit wider than she has been recently and it somewhat meets her eyes and Lexa knows she’s doing what she always wants to do, and that’s make Clarke happy.

“No, I was thinking,” Lexa parts her hands from Clarke’s and shuffles her fingers through the sides of Clarke’s hair, pushing blonde strands behind both her ears and admiring her soft eyes that, the doubt and fear, for a brief second, leaving them. “Pizza, TV, wine?”

“You’re not too tired?” Clarke asks gently, the doubt and fear that had been fading comes back full force and Lexa’s stomach twists in on itself. She has done this.

She frowns for a second, but doesn’t allow it to stay. “I know I’ve been, a little off these last few weeks. I’m okay though, I know you worry, I just want to spend time with you.”

“Lexa,” Clarke swallows and looks down but Lexa tilts her chin back up and leans in to kiss her gently, a short chaste kiss but an affectionate one that lets the blonde know that she is here for her right now.

“Spend time with me?”

“Of course.” Clarke smiles at her gently even though her eyes still have that look in them and Lexa thinks it’s going to take some time to get rid of it but she has to try at least.

Clarke’s feelings matter more than her own.

 

***

 

“Clarke, how many times do I have to tell you I’m fine?” Lexa snaps, her tone harsh and cold and coming out quickly. The day had been busy, full of scenes they had to re-shoot on top of the ones already scheduled for the day. Perhaps it wasn’t the right time at all to be talking about anything but Clarke keeps trying because the longer she goes without saying it the viler she feels.

She’s getting so incredibly sick of Lexa’s saying she’s fine when she’s not. “Until you stop lying.” It’s a challenge. One she shouldn’t make but she’s frustrated and not completely rational as she watches Lexa avoid her gaze. She’s doing that jaw thing again, that same movement normally mesmerizes Clarke, but tonight it just fills her with dread because if Lexa isn’t willing to listen to her, what is even keeping her here?

“I’m not lying, I understand Clarke why do you keep insisting on having this conversation? It’s like you want to hurt me.” Clarke flinches, eyes staring at her with shock as Lexa’s jaw works and she avoids meeting her gaze, like she’s afraid of looking at her. She’s never been treated like this by Lexa before and it’s something that she never knew she could experience. The new tethers of her heart she only discovered it seemed so Lexa could rip them out and she wants to yell at her, she wants to shout her confession and tell Lexa she’s stupid but she doesn’t.

Instead she takes in a deep breath and clamps down on her anger, on her pain, on her desperation. She tries for calm, but “I’m trying to fix it.” Comes out almost as cold as Lexa’s replies have been, mixing with something else, something hot and red and plastered with heart break.

“You can’t.” Lexa snaps at her again. Her gaze finally lifts from the floor to meet her own and Clarke thinks Lexa is finally going to tell her, finally going to say exactly what she’s feeling instead of pretending, instead of hiding behind the walls she’s put up and locked Clarke out of. She thinks finally Lexa will stop lying and she can finally get somewhere.

“Lexa,” She tries to interrupt just to throw in her confession because she can fix it, if only Lexa were to listen to her.

“Nothings broken and I’m getting sick of telling you that.” Lexa’s words are venomous, filled with anger and frustration and Clarke flinches more because Lexa has never spoken to her like this before, her Lexa, has never looked at her the way she suddenly looks at her, has never angrily stared at her while the words she so desperately wants to say get stuck in her throat.

Lexa does not want her to say them. She doesn’t want to hear it. How is Clarke supposed to say something Lexa doesn’t want and won’t hear? “Lex,”

“I think, I think its best I leave for the night. I’m angry and I say things I shouldn’t or don’t mean when I’m angry.” She’s trying to be rational, because that’s what Lexa does, tries to make sense of everything even when her emotions are pulling her, but her anger leads her, vivid in her eyes and steady in her actions.

Clarke’s heart sinks to the pit of her stomach in that moment, her own anger and frustration seeming to dissipate only so her veins can flood with dread. Lexa is leaving. “Please stay here and fight with me.” She asks because she fears that the moment Lexa stops fighting her than that’s finally it. That’s when she gives up, that’s when her words are too much and the many times she says them is too many.

Lexa looks at her for a long time before she responds and Clarke has no idea what she’s thinking. She thinks she hardly does anymore, she can hardly make sense of her, can hardly understand her. “I’m angry.” She says again, as if that’s explanation enough and Clarke takes a step forward she probably shouldn’t.

“So yell at me. Yell at me and say things you don’t mean to say, hurt my feelings but don’t leave.” She begs her; she knows it’s in her eyes as she says it. She begs her because the moment Lexa leaves she isn’t sure if that will be the last time. Logically, Lexa means it as she’s just angry, as she needs her space and Clarke can give her space she thinks but thinking about her leaving just sets something ugly and dark off inside of her.

She won’t be able to handle it, so selfishly, she begs for her not to instead.

“I don’t want to hurt your feelings.” Lexa says it like she’s defeated, like she’s been fighting too long and Clarke’s heart breaks as she shakes her head. “I’m just so tired.” Lexa’s voice cracks and Clarke takes another step closer.

“Please Lexa,” She begs, she even thinks about dropping to her knees for it, grabbing her hands and staring at her and asking her to stay with her, to fight with her, to argue and break things, just as long as she stays and never leaves her to leave her, never goes and doesn’t come back.

“I don’t know if I can keep doing this.” Lexa admits after a moment, her eyes back on the floor and her tone lost of any venom it may have held before. Clarke’s heart picks up in pace as she takes another step toward her and then another when Lexa doesn’t seem to flinch at the action.

“You’re not fine.” Clarke says simply because she wants Lexa to admit, because she’s tired of her lying about it, because the moment she says it they are one step closer to Clarke being able to fix it, to fixing all of this because it’s all pointless anyways. Their fighting, their heart break, it’s all pointless when they both love each other so much they can barely breath without physically feeling it weigh against their hearts.

“I’m trying.” Lexa admits quietly, sadly, like she’s disappointed in herself, like it’s possible for her to fail and Clarke’s heart has never sped up as fast as it did in this moment, has never ached as much as it does seeing Lexa looking so broken in front fo her. A protective need washing over her that she’s familiar with when it comes to her but how does she protect Lexa from this? From herself?

“Stop.” She tells her but Lexa only shakes her head.

“Clarke,”

“Stop trying and tell me how you feel.” Clarke steps closer again and when Lexa looks up she searches through that gaze to try and find her feelings that she’s buried so far behind her walls, those same walls that Clarke has always felt like she’s been able to somewhat pass without as much struggle as she’s having now. It’s different now, because Lexa thinks Clarke does not love her, and the more time passes with that very thought on the brunette’s brain the higher and thicker her walls get.

“I can’t.” She tells her it like it breaks a piece of her to say it. “I can’t.” She says again and Clarke’s heart breaks too, cupping Lexa’s face in her hands to brush back the few tears that have slipped without her knowledge.

“Hurt my feelings.” She tells her softly and Lexa shakes her head.

“No.” Lexa’s voice cracks and Clarke’s heart thuds painfully at the sound. “I’m sorry.” Lexa says right after. “I didn’t mean to get mad, I didn’t mean to yell at you.” And Clarke wonders how it is that Lexa is this person, this amazing beautiful person in front of her that even now, as she stands in so much pain, in so much hurt, she is still more concerned for Clarke, more concerned about her own feelings about possibly being the cause of any of Clarke’s own pain.

Lexa doesn’t even realize how selfless she is.

“Baby,” Clarke whispers sadly and she rests her forehead against Lexa’s as she tries to think of the right thing to say to fix Lexa’s own pain, she knows what to say but will Lexa even believe her at this point? Does she even want to believe her?

“I’m so sorry.” And Clarke thinks it’s not her heart she’s feeling break, she thinks maybe it’s Lexa’s.

“Shh,” She tells her quietly and pulls Lexa into her arms and Lexa grips her like she’s afraid she’ll disappear from her for good. It is Lexa that needs her comfort now, that needs her strength so she tries to give it to her, even as her heart feels as if it’s crumbling with another failed attempt at getting Lexa to understand that she has her entire heart, that she loves her, that her soul does not want to survive without hers.

“I’ll always stay.” Lexa says and Clarke’s own grip tightens because she cannot help it. Lexa’s promises of always being here, of always staying, still, the more she says them she still wonders when they won’t be true because how long will Lexa stay while she doesn’t know, while she believes that Clarke does not return her affections, while she ignores Clarke’s attempts at trying to tell her that she loves her.

Instead of her explanation, again she just says “I love you.” She says it breathlessly in her ear and when Lexa doesn’t say it back she says it again because she can’t stand that Lexa might not believe her, doesn’t believe her that Lexa isn’t listening. She thinks that if she says it enough times that maybe Lexa will start to believe her.

Lexa doesn’t believe her.

 

***

 

Lexa pulls herself up from the bed, her head dazed with the uncomfortable dream that still fogs her and she feels across the bed for Clarke’s body but she finds only cold sheets. It ticks at a nerve in her head, ticks at her chest in the same way Clarke’s _I love you’s_ do. She doesn’t like it. She doesn’t like being without her.

So she climbs out of the bed, tugging the sweater Clarke had given her a year ago over her head and walking out of the room to look for her. She sucks in a heavy breath when she sees Clarke is asleep on the couch, her heart aches as she observes Clarke against the sofa, gripping onto one of the pillows she leaves there and fast asleep. She wonders when it is that Clarke had gotten up from their bed, when she had wandered out here and Lexa’s fight weighs heavy on her mind as she stares after her.

The early morning light is peaking in, shining across her skin again in a way that makes Lexa’s smile. She tiptoes over to her, quiet, not wanting to wake her and she carefully lifts her into her arms, careful to adjust her appropriately so she doesn’t drop her. She’s a lot heavier like this, but Lexa lets her muscles burn without a complaint, tiptoeing back to their bedroom and setting Clarke down gently with shaky arms.

Clarke doesn’t stir, clearly drained from their fight and the events that have been unraveling between them for the past weeks and Lexa pulls the covers around her carefully, and presses a gentle kiss against her head. She’ll never get tired of tucking Clarke in, even when her heart feels like it’s in a million and two pieces.

She watches Clarke stir and grip onto Lexa’s pillow on her side of the bed and bring it into her arms and into her chest, burying her face in it and sighing contentedly as if just the smell of Lexa is enough to comfort her. It makes Lexa’s broke heart swell with affection and her eyes water with the force of it. Her love is strong and relentless as she watches her sleep in their bed and she finds herself unable to help when they fall.

She loves Clarke so much it hurts and eventually sniffs and brushes at her cheeks, leaving the bedroom for the bathroom, to go through a morning routine as her thoughts ponder ways to make it up to her, for being weak, for not putting her first like she always promises herself she’ll do.

She needs to be better, she keeps selfishly hurting her by hurting too much and it’s not Clarke’s fault. She needs to stop; she needs to be good enough.

The realization that Lexa is not and hasn’t been good enough is what pulls her out of the shower early.

 

***

 

“So you and Lexa,” The lady tries, the same way she always does, the same way all the interviewers do. Clarke doesn’t really think much of it. She’s not big on talking about her personal life with interviewers anyway. They’ve always been invasive; most of her responses are like its own script, already thought up and planned in her head.

She doesn’t even really think about it when she says, “We’re just friends,” almost as if it’s routine by this point, even if it’s not true. She’s not big on letting the world in on her business. If she had properly been thinking about it she would have realized she had an opportunity with the question.

She wasn’t thinking much at all. “Sure, is that what they’re calling it nowadays?” The interviewer teases but Clarke’s mind isn’t on her. If it had been, she would have found herself annoyed with her wide fake smile and obvious desire for a halfway truthful click bait title that she’ll eventually come up with anyway.

Instead her mind was on the shapes of Lexa’s body that stands near enough to hear their words, the curve of her mouth that tips down in a frown, the look in her eyes whenever she glances over like she’s expecting something but Clarke has no idea what. She has no idea what Lea is thinking, she can’t keep up lately. As expected her walls have only gotten higher, thicker, even though Clarke had thought they were managing some progress in the direction they were trying to go.

But Lexa was having none of it, no matter how much Clarke had tried.

She answer mechanically, so very distracted, always so distracted. “We’re just friends but the fans really do have a lot of passion and imagination.” Her voice is almost monotone; the interviewer can barely get her attention. Her eyes stay on Lexa, and for a second, she thinks about just telling the interviewer the truth, so Lexa hears her, so Lexa has to listen to everything she has to say without interrupting her this time.

But she can’t get the courage and she doesn’t want to do it like that.

Everything she has to say to Lexa is far more important than something that should be publish in a magazine or posted on a gossip website. Everything she has to say to Lexa is private and personal and Lexa should hear it before anyone else ever does. If only Lexa would let her say it all, would want to hear it, then maybe they could move forward.

 

 

Lexa should be getting used to Clarke’s voice when she denies their relationship. She should be getting used to the twist in her gut and the way it makes her feel cold; so very cold every time she hears it. She shouldn’t be surprised by it anymore because Clarke does not love her in the same way and she should be getting used to it by now. She should be, but she isn’t. She isn’t at all.

Clarke says “just friends,” and it feels like a tsunami in her chest, bursting and aching and becoming too much. She huffs, much in the same way she did when Clarke had told her mother she didn’t love her and she suddenly doesn’t know why she’s here, why she’s doing this, why she’s decided to put herself through this.

She’s angry again.

She can feel Clarke staring at her but she can’t look at her, she can’t with the annoyance, the rage, the frustration, the heartbreak that surges inside of her in those moments. Rationally, Clarke is just telling an interviewer off, the same way they always do, but Lexa can’t see straight. So she doesn’t bother trying to rationalize anymore. She’s tired of it, she’s incredibly tired of all of it.

Her impulse is to turn around and scream at her, to yell at her for not loving her, to hurt her feelings like Clarke had asked her to do but she cannot. She cannot hurt her, even now as she aches and her heart beats in the tiny pieces it has become, hurting her would just hurt herself more and she isn’t sure that she can survive anymore hurt.

It’s too much.

So instead she pretends she’s not listening, she pretends she’s taking her break and relaxing, and revising lines for her next scene. She pretends until she doesn’t feel Clarke’s eyes on her anymore, until break is over and that interview is done. She pretends when Clarke approaches her, and pretends when Clarke tells her how much she hates interviewers that don’t stick to asking her about her career.

She pretends and pretends and Lexa for once feels like she is completely lost. Like she has little hope left when it comes to her and Clarke and she doesn’t know what she’s doing anymore. She doesn’t know why she’s trying. She does know the only reason she’s still here is because she's too afraid to leave, but the fear of staying has also surfaced unbearably, and she doesn’t know how much longer she can do this.

Clarke grabs her waist when she realizes Lexa’s not really paying attention, kisses on the corner of her mouth and Lexa melts to it and when she meets the blonde’s eye and Clarke says “I love you.” In that tone of voice Lexa’s anger and hopelessness dissipates. Sometimes when Clarke says it like that she can pretend for a little while that she’s okay, sometimes she can pretend that Clarke means it in that way.

She wonders when pretending will stop being enough.

 

***

 

“How about you think about it, you can sign the papers in London when you make your decision?” The woman offers her a gentle smile, excited that Lexa had even called her back. She slides the manuscript across the small round table and watches Lexa curiously as the brunette picks it up in her hands, glancing over it with hesitance. “I know that uprooting your life and moving to London is probably a hard decision to make, but know that if you decide to come, you’ll have friends and you’ll be a great asset to the show.” Her gentle smile doesn’t leave, as if it’s there to comfort her into making the decision but Lexa doesn’t find comfort in it.

When Lexa finally looks up at the woman she is standing to leave, offering her a small nod of her head before turning for the exit and Lexa’s standing as well. “I don’t know if I’ll be taking this.” Is out of her mouth before she can stop it. She probably shouldn’t have even called. Her heart surges painfully when she thinks of leaving Clarke here of leaving her at all.

“You wouldn’t have called if you didn’t think you wanted it.” The woman says confidently, offers another smirk, and leaves without much else to say. Lexa only watches her go until she’s gone and then she looks down at the script again and feels her heart ache. She scoffs at it, like it offends her, shoves it in her bag and storms out of the restaurant without glancing back.

She looks down at her watch as she hails a cab and knows that Clarke would be home by now. She pulls out her cellphone, listens to it ring for a while and sighs a breath of relief when she hears the blonde’s voice on the other line, answering her.

Lexa’s heart feels a little less heavy, for another moment. “Clarke, let’s go out, somewhere nice.” She offers up abruptly, impulsively. Clarke just breathing in her ear has already set her heart at ease, stopping the turning of her stomach and the panic that sets in at the thought of leaving her.

The cab pulls up to the curb and Lexa slides into it, sputtering the address of the place she’d like to have dinner with Clarke before focusing on her conversation again. “I thought you said you didn’t want to,”

“I know what I said, I change my mind, I would like to go to your fancy dinner.” She tangles a hand in her hair as she hears Clarke snort on the other line, her heart picking up in pace at the sound. A bubble of laughter that always makes her feel so whole, so alive even when she’s hurting.

“Okay. The same place than?” Clarke asks gently, her tone light and affectionate and everything Lexa adores.

“Yeah.” She smiles slightly as she hears Clarke breath in her ear and she knows she can’t go anywhere. She can’t leave her, not after she’s promised, not after being how in love she is with her. Leaving just wouldn’t make any sense, she can’t do it. That would be too much.

“Okay, I hadn’t cancelled the reservation yet, so it’s under my name if you get there first.”

“Alright, I love you.” She says it, she just says it. It falls off her tongue because she can’t stop it, because her heart hurts almost every time she doesn’t. She hangs up before Clarke responds; she doesn’t want Clarke to worry about responding. She just wants to see her.

 

***

 

Clarke’s focus falls apart again, slipping from her hands like butter. She watches Octavia roll the dice but for the life of her she can’t seem to figure out the number on it. It takes her longer than it should for her to realize it’s a six. “Clarke where’s Lexa?”

_Late, again_. “She got held up at work.” Clarke’s tone is stiff; Raven gives her a look over her own glass that she ignores. She doesn’t even really know what’s going on, but she knows it’s not good and Clarke is trying really hard to think the best about it, which clearly isn’t working and only manages to make her anxiety worse. Lexa has been so back and forth with her lately, as if she’s trying her hardest to show her she’s fine but the charade wears thin when she’s tired, and eventually Clarke can see that look in her eyes again, the sadness she cannot mend.

“I thought you guys had scenes mostly together.” Octavia asks as she moves her piece along the board. Clarke tries to focus on it, on her words and on her movements but instead for a long moment she just watches her move the piece six spaces, not even counting as she does so, almost confused as why she would move it that far before she remembers the number she had rolled.

“Not this year,” Another stiff response, Clarke should try harder to hide it. But no one besides Raven was completely paying attention anyways and Clarke is starting to wonder if it’s even possible for her to hide it. If she can get out of her head long enough to manage to pretend to be fine the same way Lexa keeps trying to prove to her.

“Is she not coming?” Octavia asks and for some reason, the question itself irritates the blonde. She doesn’t know if Lexa’s coming tonight, she doesn’t actually know. And that never happens. She normally always knows.

“I don’t know.” She frowns as she says it, feels her heart sink as the words roll of her tongue.

“You normally always know.”

“Well I don’t today okay.” Clarke grunts out in frustration, pushing herself back from the table and standing up to leave it. If she stays she’ll snap, or have another panic attack and she can’t deal with that, she can’t deal with much more of any of it.

“Where are you going, it’s your turn?” Octavia looks up at her with wider eyes and Clarke feels her gut twist. She should have just stayed home.

“I need some air.” The blonde huffs and turns away walking toward the door of the apartment. The further space she puts between her and that table is an obstacle she can conquer, something else to focus on besides her deteriorating relationship and she needs the distraction because board games aren’t enough to do it anymore. They never really were enough.

Just as she reaches it, the door swings open and she comes face to face with Lexa’s eyes, which her half lidded with her exhaustion. She wonders if this time she really was working late. “Hey, are you leaving?” Lexa asks her as if she’s concerned; the curve of her eyebrow only emphasizes it and it makes everything inside of Clarke ache with all her unsaid words.

She wants to tell her she’s in love with her right there. “No, just getting air.” Clarke says with a sigh. She probably looks just as tired, she feels just as tired maybe even more so.

“Are you okay?” Lexa asks gently, her hand coming up to brush blonde strands of hair behind Clarke’s ear and the blonde’s heart thuds a little quicker in her chest at her touch, at the affectionate action. Her heart leaps into her throat and she stares at Lexa a long moment, studying the features of her face and feeling the need to just shout it at her.

Instead of doing that, she tries again. “Can we talk Lexa?” She asks gently, searching her gaze and maybe in hers Lexa can see pleading because after a long moment of silence and Lexa just studying her, she eventually nods her head with a silent agreement, turning around to walk back out the door with Clarke following behind her.

The sigh of relief that leaves Clarke is definitely audible, though Lexa says nothing to acknowledge it. This is her chance to finally put everything right, to finally spit it all out. Lexa is finally giving her a chance to leap and she needs to take it before it’s too late again.

She holds her tongue as they walk down the hall toward the door that leads outside. Lexa opens it up for her, because that’s just the kind of girl she is and Clarke struggles even further to not just spit it all out as she waits for Lexa to stand beside her. The air is chilly and Clarke left her jacket inside, but she will stay out here until Lexa hears everything she has to say.

Shivering slightly and with almost chattering teeth she looks over at Lexa and finds the girl already watching her. She’s about to speak when Lexa removes her jacket and places it on Clarke’s shoulders affectively rendering the blonde speechless for another moment as she adjusts the jacket around her, the smell of Lexa invading her senses.

“Better?” Lexa asks gently, her fingers tangling through the side of Clarke’s hair again as she smiles at her.

“Yes,” Clarke can see her breathe as she says it. “Thank you.”

“I’m ready to listen.” Lexa tells her quietly, like she already knows what this is about. She’s got this look in her eyes that Clarke hates seeing, this look of lost hope and defeat. Like nothing Clarke can say can even fix it, like she already knows what Clarke is about to tell her but she doesn’t actually know at all and Clarke has to stop herself from saying that out loud. She has to stop herself from just letting it rush in incoherent words and forces herself to think of a proper way to say everything she feels for her, everything she’s always felt for her, everything that is true and everything that isn’t.

“Lex,” She steps into her space a little more and Lexa’s eyes look down at the ground instead of her, almost as if she fears to look in her eyes while they finally dive into this conversation. “I’ve been trying to tell you something really important for a while.” Her fingers reach out; tangling with Lexa’s and the brunette lets her do it, though her eyes don’t rise from the pavement below them. “What I said to my mom Lexa, that,” Clarke shook her head. “I shouldn’t have said that.” She offers quietly, her voice gentle and still. She tries hard to keep the quiver out of it, tries hard to focus on what she really, really wants Lexa to understand.

“You know it’s okay.” Lexa interrupts quietly, not to interrupt her completely but to comfort her this time. She doesn’t look up but she again is still concerned for her, always thinking about her first and putting her first and Clarke just wants to shake her until those pretty eyes look into her own.

She doesn’t, she stays collected. “No it’s not.” Clarke tilts Lexa’s chin up because she wants to see her eyes. “Baby no it’s not okay.” She says quietly and Lexa stops breathing. She can see it in the puff of air that stills in front of her mouth, no longer visible in the air that grows colder.

Lexa swallows and Clarke can see the water in her eyes, lining the rim like they’re threatening to fall without her permission. It breaks Clarke’s heart. “He’s your brother Clarke and I’m just,”

“You’re Lexa.” Clarke interrupts her this time, fearing she’ll hear another I’m fine before this conversation ends and she doesn’t want that. This is the most progress they’ve made in weeks and she’s only aching to get through to the end, to when Lexa understands what she’s trying to tell her. “You’re Lexa and I’m” _in_ _love you_. But she doesn’t get to say it because Octavia is ripping the door open and interrupting them with a request they rejoin everyone else for the Mario Kart competition.

Lexa pulls apart from Clarke at the intrusion, blinking the tears in her eyes away and offering Octavia a warm smile and assurance that she will be beating her this evening. Octavia looks offended at that, shaking her head and telling Lexa she’s dreaming but Clarke can’t find the interaction amusing like she might have before. Instead it just makes her panic.

Lexa willfully follows, even as Clarke protests, even as she asks for five more minutes. She doesn’t get it and Lexa follows Octavia back up and Clarke trudges behind them with a pout and her heart back in her throat because that was her chance and she’s yet again lost it.

How many more times before it’s too late?

 

***

 

Lexa thought she could hear Clarke actually say it to her. Thought she could hear Clarke confirm it, thought she’d be willing to survive the conversation with Clarke’s best friend explanation but she can’t. She can’t go through with it. She’s too afraid of it; too afraid she’ll break apart the moment Clarke tells her she isn’t enough for her.

She’ll never say it like that because that’s just not who Clarke is. Lexa is just too afraid. Afraid of hearing her say anything remotely similar, anything close. The conversation, it feels empty, feels useless when her heart is already barely hanging on. The only point of it would be to finally rip it off its thread, destroy it and obliterate it.

She can’t wait for that anymore.

She unlocks Clarke’s apartment door and is greeted instantly by the blonde, eyes filled with something mixed between frustration and determination. It’s almost like she was waiting by the door for her and that fact makes Lexa’s heart feel hollow, more so than it had before because this decision she’s making, this distances she plans on requesting is probably one of the hardest things she’s going to do in a while.

“Lexa,” She says it in that tone she gets when she’s far too serious and Lexa knows what this is about. She’s already decided that whatever explanation Clarke has wanted her to listen to so badly just can’t be done. She can’t hear it if she wants to keep her heart in a somewhat stable condition, and the only way she’s going to avoid it is if she asks for space.

No matter how much the idea of space makes her wants to be sick all over Clarke’s tiled floor. “Actually Clarke, I have something to tell you.” She interrupts, shaking her head slightly as the blonde’s mouth opens and closes again as she thinks, contemplates on actually letting Lexa speak, on giving her permission to stop her yet again.

She must decide that she will eventually because soon she says, “Okay.” and crosses her arms in front of her, waiting on her to tell her what it is. She’s got that steely determined look still in her eyes and Lexa knows that Clarke doesn’t really have plans of letting her escape the conversation this time.

Lexa lets out a heavy sigh. “I’m,” she takes in a deep breathe. “I’m going to stay at my apartment for a while.” She says quietly, like just pushing the words into the open, vocalizing them instead of thinking them is so much worse than anything ever could be.

The look Clarke gives her once she’s registered what she said is enough to make Lexa want to change her mind. So she looks away from her. “What, Lexa no.”

“Clarke, I just think. We’re both so busy right now; I just think maybe we need some time to ourselves.” She’s lying about why, she can’t say it out loud anyway but Lexa can tell when she looks back up at her that she already knows why. This is another reason Lexa can’t stay here. She can’t keep the hurt out of her eyes, out of her voice on most nights and Clarke feels it, Clarke lives with the guilt of it and it’s not fair.

It’s wrong of Lexa to act like Clarke not returning her feelings is wrong. It’s not wrong, it just can’t be helped. “Lexa that’s not why you’re saying this just let me explain for once for fuck sakes, just once and you won’t leave.” Clarke sounds desperate, her voice heavy and thick with emotion like she can’t suppress anything and it makes everything inside of Lexa twist and ache and her eyes water again, like she can’t control herself so she looks away from her because this is so fucking hard.

“I’m not leaving, I’m just. I need some space.” Lexa lies.

“Space.” Clarke says the word like it’s the most disgusting thing that she ever could say and it makes Lexa flinch.

“Yeah, from you.” She’s surprised she manages to get that part out on an audible level, as her throat feels as if it’s closing in on itself.

“Lexa,” Clarke’s voice drops too, sad and ripped apart and Lexa doesn’t look up because she doesn’t know if she’d be able to handle it if she did and saw how incredibly blue Clarke’s eyes are, the same way they get when she’s so very sad.

“Please Clarke.” Lexa begs with her eyes on the tile below her.

“Okay.” The blonde says it like she’s purely defeated; taking in Lexa’s pleading gaze that remains on the floor and the brunette fights the desire to comfort her. She’s made this decision. She has to take care of herself and she has to take care of Clarke, who deserves to be with someone that is enough for her, who doesn’t deserve to feel guilty because Lexa is not enough for her.

“I’m sorry,” Still slips from her dry throat before she can stop it, with a crack to her voice and Clarke blinks at her a few times before looking away from her just as Lexa is looking up at her.

“Right, I know.” Clarke wraps her arms around herself and Lexa feels the dread of leaving her surface greatly through her chest. She doesn’t want to. She wants to stay more than anything. She wants to wrap her arms around Clarke and hold her and whisper how much she loves her in her ear. She wants to tell her that she isn’t breaking her promise; she wants to tell her it’s okay that she is not enough, that she’s okay.

She doesn’t. She’s getting tired of lying, though she pushes one more out. “Just a week, tell after shootings over.”

“Fine Lexa, whatever.” Clarke snaps, her eyes are looking down at the same tiled floor Lexa had just been looking at and the brunette can’t blame her, still resisting the urge to step forward, to apologize, to lift her chin and kiss her with all the love she feels inside of her chest.

“Clarke.” She whispers quietly.

“I’m sorry; I don’t mean it like that I’m just…” Clarke’s voice is thick with something that hasn’t been said and Lexa can hear her swallow. Lexa thinks she can also see her starting to cry and she doesn’t know if she can stand this.

“I’m sorry.” She says again, hands twitching to reach for her.

She resists. “I know you are, please just, go if you want.” Clarke sniffs and looks up from the tile floor and meets Lexa’s eye and the brunette doesn’t think she’s ever hurt this much, not even after that moment she heard Clarke tell her mother she didn’t love her.

“Clarke,”

“Lexa please.” Clarke’s fingers tangle through her hair.

“Okay.” Lexa frowns and turns back around, though she hesitates a moment, still feeling Clarke’s eyes on her. Her heart splinters as she opens the door back up and feels as if it breaks completely in half as she walks back out it and shuts the door behind her. She’s too afraid to stay, but she’s also too afraid to go.

She goes.

When she gets home to an apartment she rarely ever visits she feels colder than she expected. She pushes it back, pushes back the many thoughts of Clarke in her head, and pushes back the feeling in her heart and the low ache that seems to surface everywhere. She focuses instead on finding the letter she had stashed away in the desk in her office, rushing toward it and ripping the old envelope open so she can glance it over. She unfolds the paper and grabs a fresh one and a pencil from the cup beside her computer that has a number of different writing utensils in it.

She goes over her letter as she rewrites a new one that explains her departure that explains why she can’t stay, why she has to go. It explains everything the same way the old one had and when she finishes she looks at them both and knows that both of them belong in Clarke’s hand.

She pulls her cellphone from her pocket and calls her manager to confirm that she’ll be taking the job in London.

She doesn’t let herself feel as she tries and fails to sleep that night.

 

***

 

Everything feels even worse without Lexa. She only sees her at work and even then they don’t talk, Lexa avoids it. They’re professional, they do everything right, of course they do, but they don’t feel like friends. They don’t feel like anything.

Clarke has never felt so broken hearted in her life and she still blames herself for it. If she had just spit it all out, if she hadn’t waited for the right moment, or waited on Lexa to want to listen, all of this wouldn’t have happened and now it’s all just gotten incredibly out of hand. She shouldn’t have let it, she should have been stronger, she should have never said that too her mom, she should have just told her the truth.

Clarke wipes at her cheek as she feels the tear and grumbling she stands from her couch. Her apartment is even worse. It’s like Lexa is all over it. Her smell still lingering on her side of the bed, her clothes still littered around her apartment, her plates, her movies, her plants, her favorite candles. Clarke hates look at all of it, so at twelve o’clock at night she leaves.

She runs from her own apartment and she heads in a direction she actually hadn’t expected to go, or even realized she was going to until she was there, standing in front of her door and knocking without a thought, without any concentration on what the hell she’d say if Anya even opened the door. She could barely feel anything, or maybe she could feel too much, she still couldn’t decide which.

The door opened and her heart stopped. “Clarke?” Anya asks completely shocked to see her. “What’s wrong, is Lexa okay?” And just her name being said, just it being spoken like that is enough, it’s enough to break her, so she starts to cry.

This isn’t a panic attack. This is heartbreak and Clarke has never experienced it like this before. “Clarke,” Anya whispers concerned and she steps forward, touching her.

“You need to help me.” Clarke stumbles to get the words out coherently, hoping Anya will just listen, that someone will just listen to her.

“Clarke what’s wrong?”

“She left.”

“Lexa?”

Clarke nods and wipes at her eyes, trying to manage to gain some strength, hating that she has none left. “She won’t let me explain Anya, I need help.”

“Okay, come in; tell me what’s going on.” Anya widens the door and Clarke rushes in, a lengthy explanation on her tongue that falls out, one that had been there for weeks, ready to fall off and fix everything but this is the first chance she’s getting to say any of it and it fixes nothing. All it does is make Anya look at her like she’s broken and Clarke wishes that she didn’t feel broken.

It’s four in the morning when Clarke falls asleep against Anya’s shoulder as the older girl tells her everything will be alright, as she tells her they will find a way to talk to Lexa.

Clarke wakes up three hours later and calls Lexa, she doesn’t answer, and Clarke doesn’t leave a voicemail.

 

***

 

Lexa pushes both pieces of paper into the envelope and drops her key in there too. She stares at it a moment, almost longingly before pushing her heart aside and sealing the envelope, writing Clarke’s name on the back after she’s done so. She puts the letter in her bag and leaves her apartment numbly, locking the door and heading toward work.

The day goes by far too quickly and by lunch break she finds herself making her way to Clarke’s trailer. Not to give her the envelope but to see her, to spend time with her, because she misses her, because she loves her and she’s leaving and she won’t see Clarke again, she won’t and that fact is heavier on this day than any other.

She knocks and waits a second as she hears Clarke rummage around in the trailer, when the door opens Lexa feels like it’s the first time she ever laid eyes on her. Like they’re back in that café just for a moment and she’s seeing Clarke hunched over her papers, biting her lip with furrowed eyebrows as she studies the script in front of her.

Lexa’s heart aches even more.

“Lexa,” The blonde’s voice sounds surprised to see her there, hurt that she is and Lexa almost flinches at the tone but she manages to not do it. She manages to even smile at her, to take in her form, to adjust to being near her in a way that she hasn’t felt she has been in a week.

“Clarke, can I come in?” She asks gently and watches the blonde deliberate over the decision. Her eyes are bluer on this day than Lexa has ever seen them and Lexa aches to comfort her because she always knows what it means when they’re so very blue.

“Um, yeah,” Clarke steps aside and Lexa steps up into her trailer, moving further into the room as Clarke shuts the door behind her. “What’s up?” Clarke asks and it feels weird to hear her ask that, it feels wrong.

“I want,” Lexa turns to look at her. “I want to spend time together. I miss my best friend.” Lexa says truthfully for a moment, staring at Clarke and hoping Clarke will let her stay for a while, hoping she will give her chance to say goodbye properly even without saying that word at all. Hoping she doesn’t have to leave with a Clarke who’s eyes are too blue and whose smile is too weak.

The blonde smiles at her, sadly, it doesn’t touch her eyes. “I miss you too.” She admits quietly and steps forward, but not into Lexa’s space. “of course you can stay.” Clarke’s hand twitches like she’s holding back, like she’s thinking about something she wants but is denying herself for the sake of Lexa.

“Let’s get lunch.” Lexa states simply and smiles at Clarke, she stops breathing a little when Clarke smiles at her.

“Okay.”

 

***

 

Lexa did not expect to be here.

She did not expect to be standing outside of her best friend’s doorway at two thirty in the morning with flowers in one hand and a note in the other that said all the things she couldn’t manage to voice out loud. She never imagined she’d actually experience what this is like. What it feels like to fall in love with a girl that could never love her in quite the same way. She’s always been so good about it.

Lexa’s radar would turn off easily when it came to such a dance. She had always been a pro at it. She’s been teased plenty, but it doesn’t mean it ever worked. However, that’s not what this was about. Clarke hadn’t teased Lexa. Clarke was just _Clarke_ , she couldn’t help that. She couldn’t help that she was beautiful and kind. She couldn’t help that she was absolutely everything right in the world and that Lexa had fallen hard for her… maybe even a little fast.

Clarke couldn’t help but be herself and Lexa couldn’t help that she was in love with her.

It almost felt wrong to love her the way that Lexa loves her. It almost felt wrong to feel this way so exponentially so. After all, the brunette haired girl that stands outside of her best friend’s door has never loved very easily. But loving Clarke Griffin… well, that was easy.

It’s not like she was crazy to do this. This isn’t crazy because Clarke is different. _Clarke…_ Clarke would expect more from her in this moment than just flowers and a letter she’s been saving for her but never could seem to find the right time to give it to her. Clarke would expect explanations on why she had left so suddenly that night last week, on why she wouldn’t be on season five when she had promised Clarke she wouldn’t leave until the show was done, on why Clarke’s soft nightly confessions weren’t enough for her anymore.

This wasn’t about patience or waiting. This wasn’t about pressure or demands. This was about being honest, which Lexa has not done since season one, episode six, scene eleven. This was about spilling her truth and finally being free of the weight of words she has held back for years in the way that she feels them. This was about Lexa and doing what she needs to do to be better, to do better by Clarke. She just needed to summon the courage because standing outside her door wouldn’t do it for her.

She just needed… _Clarke_.

But she couldn’t have Clarke that she knew, no matter how many times it seemed like she could, she couldn’t. At least not right now, and she wasn’t going to force Clarke to try and become something that she wasn’t for her. She wasn’t going to try and force Clarke to make decisions that she didn’t even know the answers to yet. She wasn’t going to be the reason Clarke isn’t confident in her thoughts, in her feelings, in herself. She deserved better than that.

But she couldn’t bring herself to knock. She stood there, _frozen_. She knew she had to say goodbye, she knew she couldn’t leave without a word because what would that do to Clarke? Clarke loved her. She did, Lexa knows that too… she loves her, just not in the way that Lexa wants her to love her and that’s not at all Clarke’s fault. That’s her fault, for always letting her heart win over her head.

Who can really stop themselves from falling in love? Love was a force. _Love_ … Love was terrible but incredible all at the same time and maybe it’s killing Lexa now but she wouldn’t give up knowing what it’s like to be in love with Clarke Griffin for all the prettiest things on earth.

Love and Clarke Griffin just go together.

So it should be enough. Clarke’s soft touches when they’re alone, Clarke’s quiet pleas in her ear when she’s touching her, Clarke’s soft kisses on her cheek when they part from each other, Clarke’s hand in her own even if she tells that interview lady that comes by that it’s “purely platonic”, Clarke’s embrace when she’s scared, Clarke’s voice when she’s tired, Clarke’s words when she’s happy, Clarke’s love even if she’s not in love. But it’s not enough. It’s not enough and Lexa can’t stop herself from feeling that way.

But Clarke doesn’t need to know that.

Clarke just needs to know that Lexa loves her before she gets on her three twenty five flight to London. That Lexa loves her in all the ways that you can love someone and that it’s okay that she doesn’t love Lexa like that too and that she’s sorry if she ever made her feel like she had too. She just needs Clarke to know that she is perfect and that Lexa just… _loves her_. Really, really loves her.

It’s not harmful, it’s not pressure, it’s not desperation… It’s just… love. Lexa wants nothing from giving her this letter besides her knowing because for some reasons she feels like it’s important for Clarke to at least know how she feels, just this once. She’ll let Clarke ignore it if she wants too, but she at least needs her to know… just this once.

Maybe it’s irrational but it doesn’t feel that way as she sets the letter in a neat position in the flowers. She doesn’t think it’s unfair or unkind or detrimental to Clarke because this is just knowledge. Lexa isn’t requesting anything, she’s just… telling the truth, which is something Clarke has always wanted her to do, something she’s always wanted from Clarke, something they’ve never been really good at.

But leaving Clarke… Lexa can’t do that if she sees her. Leaving Clarke is the hardest decision she has to make tonight, or ever in her life and she doesn’t know how that’s fair because this decision… this decision is definitely harmful. It’s painful and it aches and it burns as Lexa leans down to set the flowers against the end of the door because Clarke has to see them when she opens it.

But she can’t see her. She can’t say goodbye to pretty blue eyes and soft hands and that sunshine like smile. She can’t do it. She has to just go because if she stays… if she stays she and Clarke will continue to dance the same way they seem to keep doing and that’ll just hurt them both. She and Clarke will continue to pretend that what they do in the middle of the night and how they act with each other is just what they do. She and Clarke can continue to pretend that one of them is not utterly and completely in love and the other just… can’t figure it out. If she stays it will destroy her just as much, and that’s not Clarke’s fault.

She can’t ask Clarke to feel something her heart won’t, and she can’t ask herself to stop feeling what her heart does. That’s not how love works. And it’s not fair and it’s not right but it is what it is and Lexa knows that now.

She knows that.

And as she stands yet again to look at the door in front of her, the door she has looked at so many times in the past couple of years. The door she pretty much considered her own because she practically lived here anyway. The door that held the greatest love she will ever know behind it, she knows that this is the right thing to do. She knows Clarke won’t understand at first. She knows it will hurt at first, the both of them, but they will move on.

She doesn’t realize she’s crying until she presses her hand to the wood and feels a small drop crash against her skin, and perhaps she spends a blurry second just watching the water from her eyes fall across her arm, but that also can’t be helped.

Lexa hasn’t cried like this in a long time.

She knows leaving is killing a piece of her… a big piece of her. She knows leaving will rip her heart from her chest and she isn’t sure she’ll ever get over it. But she has convinced herself this is the best for the both of them. So she stops hesitating.

She will knock, and then she will go. She will go for the last time from Apt. 3B and she won’t return. And maybe that thought hurts so incredibly bad that she almost feels herself collapse against the door, and maybe that thought takes a piece of her that had been happy for the last few years and destroys it… but she’s doing this anyway.

She swallows her feelings and she knocks because she’s always been so good at swallowing her feelings. And she doesn’t know if Clarke is up, but she doesn’t want to wait to find out and she takes off down the hallway, running.

 

 

Clarke pulls the door to her apartment open and feels her eyebrows knit together to the fact that she sees nobody there. She steps out, nearly tripping over into the hallway and glances first right and then left, only to notice a wisp of brown hair, Lexa, as she turns around the corner and Clarke’s heart leaps into her throat.

She looks down at whatever she could have tripped over and she feels her breath catch at the bouquet of flowers at her feet, bending down to pick them up she pulls them into her arms and is greeted with a little white envelope stuck in the middle of them. She looks down the hall again, like she’ll see Lexa coming back around the corner but she doesn’t, and instead turns back around into her apartment and kicks the door shut, taking the flowers toward the counter.

She pulls the envelope out and her hands trace over it, trace over her name neatly written on the back and she isn’t sure what the feeling is that surfaces inside of her chest, but it’s heavy, maybe it’s dread? She doesn’t know of what.

She sets the envelope down and rounds the kitchen counter to find a vase, putting the flowers inside of water after she’s filled it and pushing it in the middle of the counter before she’s reaching for the envelope again. It’s stuffed with something, and there’s something hard inside of it. It takes her ten seconds to realize there’s a key in there and she can feel the adrenaline kick in the moment she does.

She rips the envelope open and pulls two sheets of folded paper out, not bothering with the key as she tosses the ripped envelope aside, hearing the metal of the key thud along the counter even through the envelope. The papers are different colors, one white and another more vanilla. She opens the vanilla one first; unfolding it and feeling her breath catch as her eyes scan the words.

 

Dear Clarke,

 

I’ve never been the kind of person brave enough before you to write my feelings down in this way and actually hand it over. I always thought it would have to be said in a moment of total vulnerability where I am cut open and bare for you to finally see every last piece of me. But you already have. You already do. I am already bare, you just don’t know how much.

 

Before you I had walls that I hid behind, before you I protected myself from feelings like these. I never came out. But sometimes these walls feel like they have a door and somehow you have a key even though I never gave it to you. You just walk in, past all of my walls and straight to my heart and I am useless to stop you.

 

Because of you my walls finally feel useless as well. I can try and pretend they are not, but the truth is, if you hadn’t walked in and shown me how very useless they are, it’s something that would have kept me from you, and you are the one thing I’m the most grateful for. You have affected me in ways that not even a letter, not even words, can explain.

 

I love you. I truly love you with everything inside of me, or even just the start of what feels like everything. I’ve always thought I was broken when it came to love, that I could never feel it this way, that I didn’t deserve it but ever since I met you I’ve done nothing but fall. You are inside of my heart and I love you. I truly deeply love you and I never thought I could or would love someone this way. You’ve shown me I can.

 

Life brought us together for a reason, and I don’t know if that’s because we are meant to be together, I don’t know, I can’t say that. I can’t say that you’d even want to be with me after reading this. Sometimes I can’t figure out what your feeling, what you’re thinking, at all. I maybe never will. I hope at least that I got the chance to change your life in some significant way that you have changed mine.

 

You are everything to me.

 

I will be able to love because of you. I will be able to love without being so afraid. I’m not broken, I can love wholeheartedly and you are the only reason I even get to come to understand any of this. You have blessed my life with your existence and I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to ever return the favor. Even writing this letter, trying to explain what needing you, what loving you, has done for me just isn’t exactly right. It isn’t enough. I don’t think there are words and even if there were, I’d have lost them a long time ago.

 

I can rationalize and tell myself I don’t feel this way, I can walk around it and build my useless walls but what’s the point? There isn’t one, because loving you is pure. It’s what Sunday’s we’re intended for. Loving you is like stepping into cold water on a really hot day. Loving you is like wrapping up on a cold winter night in blankets just to get warm. Loving you is like watching the leaves on the trees fall in autumn. They’re withered and torn and colored so differently but they’re so damn beautiful that you can’t tear your eyes away.

 

I don’t have an explanation for feeling this way. I don’t want you to think that I need one either, that you have to even respond. I honestly never thought I’d write a love letter in my life but you have turned my entire life upside down in the absolute best way that someone can. Thank you so much for coming into my life and letting me fall in love with you, even if that’s not what you or I intended to happen.

 

I am so grateful for you.

 

 

Yours, Lexa

 

 

When Clarke finally reaches the second letter that holds Lexa’s goodbye she figures maybe she’s too late. She drops the envelopes down and is out the door before she can really think about it. She’ll be damned if she lets Lexa leave after that. Everything about her letter sits still and heavy in her heart and she even repeats the words over and over as she rushes for her car.

The drive feels long, way too long. She can’t imagine that she’s that far behind as she saw Lexa’s hair wisp around the corner when she opened the door. She hopes she’s not far behind, she isn’t sure she can survive it if she was, if Lexa got on that plane and left for London really thinking that she isn’t and doesn’t love her in all the same ways. She couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t catch her in time.

When she finally reaches the airport she rushes into the building so fast that the paparazzi that manage to camp out there most of the time don’t actually see her. She nearly trips over her own feet as she makes it to the desk, the lady in the uniform starts to speak but Clarke interrupts her, demanding to know when a flight to London takes off.

She explains ones they have leaving in the future but Clarke only shakes her head demanding about the one that’s leaving now. “The one at 3:45?” She asks and Clarke feels her head nod. “That one’s already boarded ma’am, they’re about to take off. I can’t let you on that one.” The woman looks at her almost sympathetically and Clarke thinks she must look completely frazzled.

“Please don’t let it leave.” She begs her even with the rational thought in her head that this woman really can’t do anything about it. She has no control over a flight leaving or staying and neither does Clarke but for some reasons she begs her like she does because if Lexa leaves, if Lexa flies away on that plan and Clarke loses her forever, she will never forgive herself.

“I’m sorry; it’s just now taking off.” The woman’s voice even goes up a pitch as she says it like she’s completely concerned for her, like she really feels for her but Clarke knows nobody could possibly understand that dread and absolute devastation that surfaces through her in that very moment, in the moment that it takes her to realize she really is too late, that Lexa is gone all because of her and her dumb ass decision to say something that wasn’t true to her mother.

Clarke’s heart sinks to her stomach and she leaves the woman even as she shouts after her if she’d like another flight. She makes it to the windows that let her watch the plane take off as soon as she finds the terminal to London and she watches the giant vehicle move slowly down the runaway and out of her sight.

She can’t cry this time. She feels like maybe this kind of sadness isn’t even worthy of tears, this kind of disappointment, in herself, in the whole situation is too much for tears. She thinks maybe that she’s never ever going to feel okay again, that this feeling is going to stay with her for the rest of her life and she wonders how long she’ll be able to handle it because right now, it all feels like way too much.

She’s too late, and she still blames herself for it.

 

***

 

Lexa waits with her head against Clarke’s door, sitting down in the same hallway she had fled only an hour and half ago, her legs stretched out in front of her as her eyes stay closed, exhaustion and heartbreak wearing on her soul enough to leave her boneless and tired in a dirty hallway as she waits for the girl she loves to let her in, to come home and forgive her for breaking her promise.

She can’t leave her, she just can’t do it. Leaving her, it’s just not worth it. Of all the things in life that Lexa could and can do, this is one that she just can’t. She can’t stop imagining what went through Clarke’s mind as she read her letters, what Clarke was thinking, how she felt, how she hurt. Lexa is stupid, stupid for not listening to her, stupid for trying to leave her, and even stupider for thinking that she could be happy at all without her.

“Lexa?” The brunette jumps at the sound of her familiar voice and she pushes herself into a standing position quickly, so fast that it almost nauseates her along with her own nerves. She’s tired, she had plans to rest more on the plane but having missed her flight and now having no plans at taking it at all she’s left feeling even more tired at the extremely late time.

“Clarke,” She says her name like she’s been dying to see her. Clarke who knows absolutely everything that she feels now, Clarke who’s been crying and looks just as tired as she does. Who looks confused and shocked and devastated and Lexa feels nothing but guilt as she takes in her features because she has done this to her, has made her feel all of these negative feelings when all she’s ever wanted is to make her happy.

“I thought you left.” Clarke says with her voice cracking. “I thought I missed you.” And as she says it tears slip from Clarke’s eyes like she’s imagining Lexa in front of her, like maybe she had fallen asleep at the wheel of her car and she was only seeing what her heart had hoped to see.

“I can’t, I promised. I’m sorry.” Lexa says, stepping forward and Clarke stares at her in a way that makes her forget, like she’s missing something really, extremely important.

“You are so dramatic Lexa.” Clarke pushes her lightly, but there’s not much strength in it. “God damn it, I thought you left.” Clarke’s voice cracks and Lexa’s heart picks up in pace, adrenaline and hope that Clarke will forgive her coursing through her veins as she adjusts in her place and steps even closer.

“I can’t leave you.” She tells her honestly, baring her heart on her sleeve. She feels no point in hiding her heart anymore, in trying to fight her way out, there is no way out, she doesn’t want a way out. She wants to be with Clarke, she doesn’t want a life without her.

“I thought you left.” Clarke says again, devastated and Lexa feels tears touch her own eyes, blurring the image of Clarke in front of her and making her look so very weak and vulnerable but she doesn’t care. She doesn’t care what Clarke sees, how she sees her because she loves her. She loves her with everything, she is everything and Clarke needs to know that, she hopes that she understands that.

“I can’t Clarke you’re everything.” She wants to touch her but doesn’t know if she can after her betrayal, after leaving, or trying to leave after all the times she promised she wouldn’t. She hopes Clarke forgives her, she hopes Clarke will still want her, she doesn’t want to live without her.

“You should have given me that love letter so long ago.” Clarke scolds her and Lexa lets her, Lexa lets her push her again with no strength, Lexa lets her cry in front of her, Lexa lets her tell her she’s stupid, Lexa lets her, as long as she doesn’t ask her to leave, as long as she forgive her. She’ll let Clarke do whatever.

“Lexa you dumbass I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks that I’m in love with you.” Lexa just stares at her, blinking a few times like she didn’t actually expect to hear her say that and Clarke starts laughing and crying all at the same time and it’s a new sight, one that Lexa had never expected to see as well. “What I said to my mom wasn’t even true. I was about to tell her that, I was going to tell her I can say it but it’s not true, that I’m in love with you and I want to be with you and I want you in Jake’s life, but you misinterpreted everything and never let me explain.” Clarke pushes her again and Lexa lets her, Clarke scolds her again and Lexa lets her.

Lexa lets her hands slide down her face as Clarke’s words wash over her and she huffs out a heavy sigh. “Really?” She asks behind her hands and Clarke cackles and sobs all at the same time. Lexa’s heart swells and burst and expands in her chest until she feels like it’s pressing on her lungs.

“My god we’re so terrible at this.” Clarke’s own hands reach up to remove Lexa’s from her face so she can see her. Her eyes so blue and so deep and that something important, that something that Lexa should have already known, that Lexa should have let her say a long time ago swirling in her eyes. “Lexa, I love you.” She steps closer. “I want to be with you, I want you to be in Jake’s life. I need you.” And Lexa feels everything stop. Time, pain, doubt. All of it stops in this moment as she stares at Clarke’s too blue eyes and feels her words with everything inside of her.

“Clarke,” Her voice cracks and Clarke’s thumbs brush along her cheeks to brush away the tears that Lexa knows are falling from her eyes, crashing along the skin of her cheeks, staining Clarke’s skin as she wipes them away because she doesn’t even need to cry anymore.

Clarke loves her. “I love you.” Clarke loves her.

“I love you too.” Tears still fall from her eyes as her arms reach around Clarke’s waist and pulls the girl against her, feeling her breaths, staring at her eyes through her blurry vision, feeling her heart beat and pound in her own chest like it’s about to leap out of her and straight into Clarke’s hands.

“So stay with me?” Clarke whispers but Lexa hears it and nods her head, nods her answer because her throat is dry and closed up with her emotions and Clarke is in front of her, holding her face and telling her she loves her, really, really loves her and everything inside of her burns and aches beautifully, she has no idea what to do, she just knows that she has never felt this way in her entire life and for once, she isn’t afraid of it.

“I can’t leave you, I love you. I’m not going anywhere I promise.” She says again and Clarke smiles at her through her own tears, smiles wide and beautiful and it touches her eyes and Lexa feels like she’s breathing air into her lungs for the first time in months, feels like finally her world is spinning again and time is turning.

“Oh Lexa,” Clarke’s eyes water and she throws her arms around the girl and pulls her body even closer to her. “This whole thing is so stupid.” She breathes in her ear and Lexa holds her so tight she fears maybe she’s going to make her burst but she can’t help it, she can’t stop herself.

“I’m sorry.” She mumbles into her shoulder and pulls her even tighter, feeling Clarke’s body melt against her own, feeling her fit with her like nobody else ever will or ever could and Lea is complete with her.

“Shut up, no apologizing just,” Clarke pulls back and cups Lexa’s face in her hands, brushing back more stray tears that have fallen without the brunette even caring. “come inside and we’re going to talk, a really long talk.” Clarke tells her quietly and Lexa nods, pressing her forehead against Clarke’s and savoring her closeness, not even understanding how she ever thought she could leave her.

“Yeah?” Lexa sniffs. “That sounds perfect.”

“Yes it does.” Clarke smiles again and so does Lexa and for once, nothing feels like it’s too much or too little. Everything finally feels like it’s about to be just right.

 

***

 

The interviewer adjusts in her seat as if the wood of it is uncomfortable against her skin, since her dress is short and her legs hang in the air, almost off to the side, she could swing them if she hadn’t crossed them. Clarke studies her awhile as she prepares to ask her probably a hundred and two questions she’s hear before but she cares little about that, little about her already monotone and prepared answers.

The interview starts and sure enough it’s just the same, some about her character, some about her plans for the future, some about her movies, and some about rumors she hadn’t heard before, some about rumors she had heard before. She answers them all the same way as she had before, always prepared, always ready for them.

She answers all of them the same except one and even the start of the question, Clarke already knows what she’s going to say. The lady starts it, she knows when she’s going to because she has the look in her eye, that same one they all get when they’re crossing that line of appropriate and intrusive. They gleam and Clarke tries not to cringe. She thinks the only reason she doesn’t is because this time, she actually can’t wait to answer her. “So you and Lexa Woods,”

“Are dating.” Clarke finishes for her and smiles brightly as the words slip off her tongue. “And it’s going great.” She tells her brightly and watches as the lady stares at her a bit surprised at first, the joy and glee that rushes across her face like she’s been given a gift on Christmas almost has Clarke laughing in her seat but she manages not to.

She fumbles a moment, clearly having expected to have to pry and she flips through the many cards in her lap, ones in the back as if they sat there with the realization that she’d never get to ask them. Clarke is far too happy to find it as ridiculous as it is. “What’s it like getting to work with your girlfriend so closely?” She asks and Clarke sighs almost in that gross way she’s heard many love struck couples do and she can’t help the small snort that leaves her as she thinks it, as she realizes how she definitely is that person, love-struck and unafraid of it.

Finally unafraid to love her. “It’s…” Clarke takes in a breath and she looks across the room at the very woman they’re talking about. She’s wearing a smile on her face wider than Clarke has seen in a long time and she’s discussing something almost animatedly with the girl beside her. Clarke’s heart swells with the amount of affection she feels for her. “She’s my best friend.” Clarke smiles and looks back at the interviewer. “There’s not a thing that could be better.” She answers almost as if it’s easy and she knows what she says it true.

The lady can ask her a billion questions about Lexa and she’d never get tired of answering because she loves her. She loves her with absolutely everything inside of her and she has no plans to ever let any time go by ever again where Lexa doesn’t know that and as the girl looks across the space between them, meets Clarke’s eyes and smiles wider, waves at her, Clarke excuses herself early, sprints across the space to her and kisses her the moment she is close enough, feeling her gasp against her lips like it was the last thing she was expecting.

“I love you Lexa Woods.” She says against her mouth and feels the girl giggle just as much as she hears it and her heart swells, large and big inside of her chest as the sound travels through her.

“I love you Clarke Griffin.” And Clarke smiles against her lips before she kisses her more firmly, wearing her own heart on her sleeve the same way Lexa has done since her letter and feeling like for once, she doesn’t have to be afraid of it getting broken.

For once Clarke isn’t afraid to love, and Lexa… neither is she.

 

 

_The End._

**Author's Note:**

> Updates every Friday or Saturday, if I'm going to miss a Friday or Saturday, I'll make sure to let you know. :)
> 
> My twitters [@miselizalycia](https://twitter.com/miselizalycia) and my tumblr is [jazzyjazzin,](https://jazzyjazzin.tumblr.com/) hit me up if you wanna chat and follow me to keep updated and to find out more information on my fanfics.


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